Naruto walked alongside Sakura on the way to Kakashi's new hospital room, which was now on the fifth floor. Although he'd previously been allowed no visitors, as he was in the ICU, Tsunade had made an exception because she knew that would be what Kakashi needed, especially since he was there against his will.
Sighing anxiously, the Uzumaki opened the door and entered, stepping aside and holding it ajar for his friend. As his unblinking eyes focused on the floor, avoiding the bed, he remembered the state he'd seen his sensei in—completely unconscious in Tsunade's arms, and grey in the face, barely able to breathe.
He was scared to look at the man—his uncharacteristically enfeebled state had rattled him to his core, making it hard to think about anything else.
"Hey, Naruto?" Sakura said quietly to get his attention, her voice laced with worry and a tinge of sadness, "Look."
When he finally turned his attention to the bed, he was met with a heartbreaking sight. There was a thick tube going deep down Kakashi's throat, strapped tightly to his mouth. His visible hands were cuffed to each side of the bed, and he was facing straight up, a deep furrow in his silver eyebrows, even in his sleep.
His face was shockingly ashen, and his eyes were red rimmed, with deep purple bags beneath them.
"I wonder what happened," Sakura started tentatively, her tone leaking with concern and pity as she moved to perch on the windowsill, "Kakashi-sensei looks different, doesn't he?"
"Yeah…" Naruto began, walking closer to his side, "He's so…pale."
Sakura silently nodded in agreement, her brows rising in distress as she took note of his frighteningly pallid appearance, and the thin tube feeding into his nose, held down with tape.
She stepped forward and put a hand to his surprisingly warm forehead, brushing back his hair in a comforting manner, her eyes glossing over with fear and sorrow. Naruto had told her what he'd seen, but she'd never expected him to be so heart-wrenchingly frail. A naive part of her had hoped that he was just escaping from the hospital, and would be relatively fine once he returned, however, she now saw that he was everything but okay.
Kakashi breathed out lightly in response to the frigid touch, his red rimmed eyes slowly opening. He took in his surroundings with a droopy, exhausted gaze, catching sight of two blurry pink and orange forms.
He felt an uncomfortable tightness in his throat, and a burning sensation in his nose, but the pain was far less than he would've felt had he not been heavily drugged. Groaning lightly, he moved to touch his neck, but quickly found that he couldn't raise his arms all the way up. Looking down feverishly, he saw handcuffs latching him to both sides of the bed, immediately feeling panic welling up in his chest.
He felt trapped.
Naruto and Sakura watched as he repeatedly yanked on the cuffs in an effort to pull his hand up, his glassy eyes wide open.
"No, Sensei, don't do that, please…" Naruto began softly, sensing how obviously confused and upset he was, "It's okay…"
He put a hand on his bony shoulder in an effort to console him, finding it hard to see his usually calm and collected sensei look so disgruntled and anxious. He was never one to show his feelings, but given how he'd basically been driven into a corner, it was completely understandable.
Kakashi's head snapped towards his voice, his gaze stricken with unfiltered fear and panic that made Naruto want to just give him a hug. The Uzumaki turned to Sakura with a watery look, silently asking her what they could do to help him.
Kakashi attempted to speak to his students, however, to his surprise, all that came out was a scrambled, muted noise that hardly resembled any comprehensible language. Although he would have usually tried his best to hide his sickness, the heavy fog in his head, and the unignorable progression of his disease made it almost impossible to do so. The only thing on his mind at that moment was how immensely uncomfortable he was.
"Don't talk, Kakashi-sensei…I'm not sure if you know, but you're on a ventilator," Sakura told him gently, making sure to maintain direct eye contact with him, "I know how hard this must be, but Naruto and I are here, and we're not going to leave you."
She grasped his quivering hand tightly, urging him to stop struggling against the restraints, which were likely there to prevent him from pulling out the thick tube feeding down his windpipe. Looking down at his wrists, she found that they were red and bruised from all of the incessant yanking, and upon glancing at Naruto, she found that he was observing the self-inflicted injuries as well, with an unreadable expression painted on his whiskered face.
As Naruto watched Kakashi continuously attempt to raise his hand up despite how painful it was, his shoulders heaving up and down heavily, he realized that what was happening to his sensei wasn't fair. He turned his gaze to the floor, his eyes narrowing as feelings of anger and disdain began to brew inside of him. He just wanted to find whoever had done this and give them a piece of his mind.
The Uzumaki could understand the ventilator, and the feeding tube, but handcuffing both of his wrists was taking it too far. He could tell from just the frustrated, terrified look in his rheumy eyes that he hadn't even agreed to come to the hospital, much less be imprisoned there. How could they treat him like that when he was nearing his final days? It was just cruel.
Fisting his hand into a tight ball, Naruto turned his attention back to Kakashi, who was looking at the ceiling with wide eyes, feeling completely voiceless.
"Hey, Kakashi-sensei…What's happening to you is unfair, okay?" he began, successfully garnering the Hatake's attention, "They can't cuff you to the bed like you're some kind of prisoner...They shouldn't."
Kakashi's shivering slowed down momentarily at the strong-willed statement, his glossy eyes expressing thanks, and showing that he agreed. Sakura nodded swiftly, her brows scrunching up as she realized that Naruto may be right.
Suddenly, the door opened and Tsunade entered, Jiraiya following closely behind her. She had a stern look on her face, but the dark shadows underneath her eyes, and the deep crease in her forehead gave away that there was more to her cold exterior. She walked closer to the bed, a glint of worry becoming apparent on her rigid expression as she caught sight of his restlessness and how he was biting down on the endotracheal tube, his eyes wide and agitated.
Jiraiya became acutely aware of Kakashi's mood, staying silent, as he was somewhat intimidated by the dangerous look in his eyes. His sharingan was unveiled, and he was looking down at his hands intently, his shoulders quivering with an emotion that the sennin really couldn't recognize.
Naruto turned his body towards Tsunade, his hands fisted at his sides, his brows furrowed in unquestionable anger.
"You didn't have to cuff him, granny," Naruto started in distaste, "He was already here against his will, and you knew that he was going to have to wake up on a ventilator, of all things. He doesn't need handcuffs on top of that! Just look at his wrists. Look."
Tsunade's brows furrowed in response to Naruto's surprisingly profound, and emotionally intelligent words, and she glanced down at Kakashi's hands, her lips parting slightly as she took note of his bruised, bloody wrists. She gasped as she watched him carelessly tug on his restraints, as if he wasn't even paying mind to the growing wound on the flesh underneath his handcuffs.
The hokage stepped forward in an instant, realizing what she had done. She grabbed his wrists and placed her hand above his, a glowing, blue light emanating from her fingers. She readily unlocked the handcuffs, immediately healing his injuries with a different jutsu, this one possessing a green aura.
"I'm sorry, Kakashi. I just didn't want you pulling out anything when you woke up, because I know that's something you would do. You went into respiratory arrest after our conversation—it's been four days since then," Tsunade told him calmly, an expression of guilt etching her visage, aging her, "You couldn't breathe on your own…and your body won't be able to handle another escape."
His brows scrunched up in shock. It had been four days?
"Treatment needs to be done as soon as possible, if you want to live longer. I've calculated that undergoing a surgery to extract your tumors, and repair your chakra pathways, would have a success rate of around 45%. Following up with extensive healing, and preceding the surgery with a chakra transfusion, are both key components to this plan."
"However, I still need to know…do you want this surgery? How do you truly feel about this?" she continued hesitantly, catching sight of the deep furrow lines in the space between his eyebrows, and his trembling palms, which were dangerously close to his endotracheal tube.
How am I supposed to tell you? What do you expect from me?
She placed a notepad and a pen in his lap, as though she were reading his mind.
Naruto and Sakura watched intently as he grasped the pen in his trembling fingers, pausing for a moment before beginning to write unsteadily, his handwriting even messier than usual. It was chillingly clear to them that the situation was complicated and serious, so much so that Kakashi's decision decided the fate of his life.
I understand your intentions, Lady Tsunade, but the way everyone has decided to handle my direct request to be DNR seems resoundingly unethical. I know that you've been using my recent behavior against me so that you can overrule my decision to not undergo any treatment, and this is just wrong and manipulative. The way I've been acting is understandable, given what I've gone through—and how I act prior to a seizure would be an exception to my general behavior. Despite these feelings of disagreement on my judgement and cognitive ability, I know that you and Shizune must be working hard to find a cure, which I appreciate. You guys are never going to give up, and I can't blame you for that. I don't have the strength to endure anything else, but I know you guys will continue without my permission, and I've come to terms with that, though I find it exceptionally disrespectful. If it were up to me, I would pass peacefully in my own home, but I understand that this is what all of you need, especially my students. However, if I die here, in the hospital, that will be a guilt that you'll have to deal with forever—not having listened to my last wish. So I will comply, but don't expect me to be pleased with you. This ventilator is horrible. And you guys keep exposing my face, which is really annoying. Please be more respectful.
Exhaling audibly, he handed her the notepad, almost rolling his eyes at how surprised she looked at the length of his message. He leaned back into the pillows and stared ahead as he waited for her to read it, watching dazedly as Jiraiya inched closer to read, and Naruto and Sakura made their way around the bed to catch a glimpse. Kakashi quietly clicked his tongue, wondering if he was living in an alternate dimension in which consideration for one's privacy was not a thing.
"I appreciate your response, Kakashi. It's very…well thought out," Tsunade told him once she'd finished reading, meeting his gaze, which was focused on the wall in front of him, "You're right…and I'm willing to live with that guilt. Letting you die would be a far worse guilt to have. I'm sorry for exposing your face—I can make arrangements to have it covered, even with the ventilator. And I'm very glad you're not going to resist treatment anymore. Can we start tomorrow?"
As he took the notepad from her hands, he attempted to exhale, but found that he couldn't, as the ventilator was pushing air into his lungs at the same time. The fact that he couldn't breathe how he wanted to, made him feel out of control, and incredibly uneasy—he knew that he should let it go and allow the ventilator to breathe for him, but he just couldn't.
Pushing back his incessant discomfort, he picked up the pen and quickly scrawled his response onto the parchment, feeling mucus gathering up the thick tube in his throat. He felt as if he needed to cough and gag, but he wasn't exactly able to.
Yes, we can. I'd usually resist, but I'm too tired. How long will I be on this ventilator?
"It's hard to say, Kakashi. Perhaps a few more days, since we're taking it off before the surgery. You definitely need it right now, though," she told him with a sigh, shifting her weight and noticing the blatant fear in his eyes, "After our procedures tomorrow, you should be ready to go into surgery the next day, or the day after that."
He nodded his head subtly, closing his eyes with a stern look on his face, and desperately hoping that sleep would distract him from his anxiety, which was a direct result of his inability to get used to the ventilator, and the fact that he was in the hospital to begin with.
"I'm going to sedate you now, okay? The ventilator will be much more bearable if I do. Is that fine, Kakashi?" Tsunade asked him upon noticing his nervous demeanor, imagining how hard his current situation must be for him.
Kakashi slowly raised up his hand and gave her a shaky thumbs up, his eyes remaining closed.
Sighing, she walked over to a drawer by his bedside table, opening it and pulling out a vial and a syringe.
Jiraiya watched with crossed arms as she carefully filled it up with the sedative, and flicked it to remove any air bubbles. The old man couldn't help but feel a gnawing dread at Kakashi's notably deteriorating condition, so much so that he was completely reduced to silence. He had absolutely no idea what to say.
"Pushing 4 mg of Ativan."
His eyes opened at the sensation of being punctured on his arm, and as he slowly blinked and looked around himself, he caught sight of Naruto and Sakura, finding that their faces were drawn with worry and stress. He wanted to comfort them, but he just didn't have the energy to do so anymore; and besides, what was the point? The truth was out.
"Kakashi-sensei?" he heard Sakura say, her voice sounding far away and strange. She reached out to touch his limp arm, but he hardly responded to the gesture, just staring above at the ceiling. With blurry vision, he saw Naruto's eyes begin to water, almost wincing when the blonde turned away to wipe his tears.
His eyelids soon began to grow heavy and droop, his sclera burning and feeling acutely dry. The Hatake slowly shut his tired eyes, giving into the sedative, and feeling relieved as he finally drifted into unconsciousness once more.