Chapter 112

Having sat with her sister and her friends for another whole day, talking and teaching them new stitches from Mrs Annesley's repertoire, Elizabeth is readying herself for her visit to Mrs Drummond's attic. Darcy is surprised at his beloved's patience with her sister, though he must admit Lydia improves a lot in the presence of her friends. One more morning with the Drummond family, not a penance since Darcy is very curious what the colonel has decided with respect to his plans for Mr Miller's horses. And then they'll have the afternoon and evening to themselves, and the whole day tomorrow, until they are expected to join the Kembles for dinner and a show in their theatre on their last night in Newcastle. Since his hair is already perfected and Fanny is still busy gilding Elizabeth just a tiny step further, Darcy decides to keep Bob company for a while. He knows his driver will be waiting for his beloved in the dining-room, they use the rooms opposite to the other guests, since they are staff but their landlady wants them to feel as if they are just a young couple on an early honeymoon. Mrs Herbert is a treasure, and Darcy will certainly recommend her guesthouse to anyone looking for a place to stay in the vicinity of Newcastle.

Finding Bob where he expects him to be, Darcy sits down and accepts a cup of coffee from his driver.

'Fanny still busy with the mistress, sir?' Bob asks, much more comfortable with his master since they started to talk once in a while. 'She certainly didn't expect to be so busy on this trip, the mistress told her she'd mainly be along to unpack and keep me company. Though I think she likes making Mrs Darcy look the perfect London lady.'

Darcy merely nods, there is something he wants to discuss with Bob and he doesn't know where to start. It's not as if a fellow likes to hear his fiancée is actually out of his league.

'Do you get jealous, Bob?' Darcy asks bluntly.

'You mean of other men?' the plain little driver asks. 'I would, if Fanny showed any interest in another man. But though they really fancy her, and generally find it hard to believe she is engaged to a plain fellow like me, she never returns that interest. She just rebuffs them steadily until they give up. She's friendly and all, just totally uninterested in other men. It makes it easier, as does being known as the driver of your thoroughbreds, sir. Somehow, the status of your team reflects on me. More so at the Drummond estate than here, scribes don't care all that much about horses, and they certainly like Fanny's looks.'

'That is what I meant, yes, jealous of other men admiring your girl. I get jealous sometimes, and I don't want to, it's petty to feel that way. I've asked other men with beautiful, popular wives how they cope, hoping to learn something. Mr Kemble said more or less what you just said.'

'But you've no reason to be jealous at all, master. Mrs Darcy never so much as looks at another man, and you're rich and handsome, I've seen her look at you often enough to know she worships you as much as you worship her. Just last Sunday, in church, I nudged Fanny to have her see how much you were both admired by everyone there, but Mrs Darcy, she saw only you.'

'I know she loves me, and still I feel jealous sometimes.'

Bob nods again, as if he understands.

'I'm a very calm person, master, remember how you were ready to challenge that gentleman who dared lay a hand on Fanny? I was merely happy to find her all right, and no longer in danger of being molested. I guess you have more of a temper. If I had a temper I'd be in a world of trouble with your thoroughbreds, sir, they'd pick it up instantly.'

And then he seems to realise something.

'But you're good with sensitive horses, too, you never lose your temper with them. I suppose that's not it, then.'

'No, I think you're onto something. Mrs Darcy rarely loses her temper, I do so much more quickly. Except I know I need to let that go when dealing with a horse, or I'll never be able to ride the kind of horse I like. So maybe I can find that state when dealing with men admiring my beloved. Mr Kemble is also a very even-tempered man, and when I was standing beside him I wasn't feeling jealous at all. Thank you, Bob, I think talking to you has helped a great deal, I'll contemplate what you said and see whether I can be more like you and keep my cool.

Now tell me, do you think Williams will be a good stablemaster for the Drummond stables?'

They discuss horses and stables for some time, until Fanny enters and Darcy moves to his own breakfast table, where his perfectly groomed lady is waiting for him, admired by many of the business-men, but only having eyes for him.

And when they drive back that afternoon right after lunch they have plenty to tell each other, the one advantage of being separated for some time.

'The Drummond attics are incredible, my love,' Elizabeth starts. No fewer than three beautiful silk rugs are added to the luggage they will have to find a place for on their return journey, 'Mrs Drummond insisted on my taking one for the dining-room at Pemberley, to match Mrs Annesley's centrepiece. She said they'd drop by to admire the room when it is finished, of course it's not that far from here to Derbyshire. You don't mind, do you?'

'No, I quite like Colonel Drummond, I'd like to show him Pemberley. Did Mrs Drummond think she'd dare ride astride?'

'I'm certain she will. She's as much a natural horseman as you, Fitzwilliam, she'd love to ride that young stallion of theirs. They are such a loving couple, when she expected to stay single all her life. She reminds me of Anne, independent and unwilling to deliver herself to some man who may only be after her money. Though Mrs Drummond has had a happier youth. I'm looking forward to getting to know your cousin, my love, she deserves some attention and a lot of happiness. Imagine balancing on the brink of death for ten years, unable to really live. If I were her I'd settle in a house of my own and live my own life, though some would be scandalised.'

'She could stay with us as easily, until she meets someone she can love.'

'But what if that takes ten years, like it did Mrs Drummond? And even then her family disapproved of her marriage, because the man she loved wasn't good enough. He was only a captain then, you know. If I were Anne I'd not want to stay with a relative for a long time, you're always going to get involved in what she is doing with her life, you cannot help that, you're so used to being in charge.'

'Like Manners,' Darcy observes, though he is a bit hurt that Elizabeth still finds him meddlesome. But she is right, he would get involved.

'He can be meddlesome, yes. But Frederick doesn't patronise.'

'Well, if you notice me patronising Anne, please let me know, I'll try to refrain from doing it. Seriously. I didn't insist on her taking a chaperone when my aunt would have. Oh, that sounds patronising already, doesn't it?'

'It does, my love, she's not your sister and she is almost your age. You would let me go anywhere by myself, and I'm much younger. Did marriage change me so much? Her life should be her own to lead.'

'I'll learn, really. Eventually.'

They kiss, smiling, looking forward to the afternoon and an evening at their guesthouse.

'Maybe I should spend some more time with my sister tomorrow, it will be months before we see each other again.'

'I think that is a fabulous idea, and if you don't mind I'll come with you. We've been separated too often these last weeks, I want to be with you.'

Exactly one week after their outing to Fitzwilliam's camp, and almost a week before Darcy and Elizabeth are expected to return to London, Anne receives a note from Fitzwilliam. She has written to him to thank him for a great day out, of course, and he returned a sweet little note telling her he had a good time himself, but nothing more. And since she has avoided the Blackwood girls for almost a week now she had no clue how Sophie was doing with Fitzwilliam. And now this note from him. He wants to see Miss Sophie Blackwood again, she made quite an impression on him but he dares not contact her. She's so young, and he really has nothing to offer her. Can Anne ask her friend where he stands?

Well, if he hasn't contacted her for a week Sophie will either have put him out of her mind, or she'll be desperate. One would expect a man like Fitzwilliam to know what to do if he likes a girl, he has such easy manners. Still, he is her cousin and she has to help him, Sophie is just the right kind of girl for him. There is the possibility to call on the family, but she'd rather not. Much better to just have Sophie over for a family dinner and invite Fitzwilliam as well. If she doesn't show up he has his answer.

First she asks Frederick, who has plenty to say.

'They've been at the concerts every night except one rather grubby venue. Nick was with them, searching the audience for you and turning pale when he didn't spot you. Little Miss Sophie didn't look as bright-eyed either. Didn't go up to talk to Eric, stuck to your friend a lot. I guess they're both a bit sick with love, I guess it's the fashion nowadays to suffer. I expect him to work up the courage to ask me about you any day now, he doesn't know anything, you may be dying for all he knows. Anything you want me to tell him when he does ask?'

'This is not about him, Frederick, Fitzwilliam wrote he had never dared contact Sophie again. He wants me to ask whether he has a chance with her. I think he was damaged somehow, he's so insecure.'

'To be sure he was. He's been sick with love, too, ever since Elizabeth married Darcy. Remember how I told you to have them over for dinner? Just do it. It'll do a world of good.'

So Anne does, asks Mrs Annesley, consults Cook, talks to Georgiana and Eric, writes to both Sophie and Fitzwilliam to invite them for a family dinner in two days, when Eric has a late concert. Both accept. Sophie arrives, Fitzwilliam arrives, they blush, talk shyly, grow more confident. They talk through dinner, through coffee, through Eric and Georgiana leaving with Mr and Mrs Bingley. Frederick stays behind this once, and Anne talks to him until Simon comes in and asks Anne, 'Can I speak to you in private for a moment, Miss de Bourgh?'

Anne follows him out, puzzled by his wish to see her, whatever can they have to talk about? He leads her down the hall, past Darcy's study, to the servants' part of the house. Then he opens a door, it's his own room, Anne has been there before, chatting away with Simon and Frederick. Inside, she sees Nick, they've set her up! Frederick and Simon, they knew he'd accompany Sophie.

'But, who is with Angelina at the concert?'

Sometimes shock can get a person to say the stupidest things. Nick gets up from the simple chair he's sitting on.

'Angelina is at home with her own officer, Miss Anne. I'm afraid the girls' admiration for Mr Fielding has seen its last days.'

His expression becomes pained, and he takes both her hands and pleads, 'I've been in a state since we came back from the camp, Miss. I never saw you anymore, you might have been ill, or abducted to Rosings. I had to know, but I didn't dare ask Mr Manners for fear of his answer.'

The feeling in his voice totally overwhelms her, and she just blurts out the truth.

'I've been well, Nick, just very confused. I couldn't seem to shake off my feelings for you, I thought it best to not see you for a while.'

'Dear Miss Anne, I'm so sorry, and now I'm here, where you least want me.'

He releases her hands and hangs his head as he used to when she was being arrogant, then looks up at Simon.

'And you knew, didn't you? Must you and your puppet master torture this poor girl? She's having a hard enough time as it is.'

'Why not be true to yourself, Nick,' Simon says softly, kindly. 'Just kiss the girl already, can't you see she's aching for a little love?'

Before Anne can protest that she doesn't need any charity, Nick has her in his arms and he kisses her, little kisses, uncertain of his reception. But Anne can no longer resist, she's been dreaming of Nick each night, remembering their nights together, and their sneaking kisses by day in his little cubicle. As before, she will not spoil this moment with tears, she will not think of what is to come, she will pretend he is hers forever to have a perfect memory to last her for weeks. His arms around her, his soft mouth on hers, the taste of his tongue and his familiar scent.

When they break off that kiss, Anne knows. She cannot let go of Nick, not yet. She is unable to just remove him from her life, she loves him and she will have to see this through. Of course she may be hurt even worse, but it hurts so much now. Maybe she can stop loving him after some time, marry Frederick or maybe someone like Lieutenant Talbot after all.

'You have some spare time every week, don't you Nick?'

Nick nods to Simon to confirm this, but he does not release Anne, it's rather as if he tightens his hold on her.

'You are welcome to come visit me, Nick. It's the most natural thing in the world, is it not, for two house servants to spend some time together? And we have plenty of private places in this house.'

Nick knows where Simon is going, and it seems to irritate him to no end.

'I have spare time, Simon, but not enough to walk over, give Miss Anne what she truly deserves, then walk back. She's not a mere skirt, Simon, Miss Anne needs someone to really be there for her.'

'Mr Manners will be very pleased to oblige you, Nick, have you fetched and taken back. And Miss Anne will be glad to have you with her even if it's just a few hours.'

'Why, Simon? Why would Mr Manners do that? What's in it for him? If he wants to marry her why would he want competition? Why would he go out of his way to help a lowborn servant do the woman he wants as his wife? I don't get it.'

'Then why don't you ask the puppet master, Nick? I'm sure he'll tell you. You can be sure he has his motives, but meanwhile he can make both of you very happy. If you'll just listen to him!'

'I can't understand why you do these things for him, Simon! He's not even your own master. You're not obliged to obey him!'

Simon remains calm, Frederick and he make a formidable team, Anne is impressed despite agreeing with Nick. Frederick is playing again, but this time with their feelings, Nick's and hers. Still, now she is safe in Nick's arms again she knows for a fact that there is no other place she wants to be. Better be his mistress, better share him with countless other women, than bear having him out of her life. Anne gives up, she'd rather have part of this man than all of another.

'If Mr Manners were to give you an order, Nick, wouldn't you obey him?'

Nick rests his head on Anne's and mumbles, 'Yes, I would. Instantly.'

'Well then, ask him that too, Nick. And when you visit, the last stall, behind the bales of straw. You will be thrilled.'

Nick is still convinced Simon is like him, a philanderer who has secret liaisons in certain places in his master's house. Little does he know that Simon will never be able to acknowledge his true love openly, and feeds the rumours about his exploits to avoid suspicion of his true affiliation. But if Anne can have Nick in her arms once a week she can face the shame and the secrecy, she is sure. She feels so safe and wanted in his solid embrace. His voice sounds affected, positively husky, as he asks, 'Is this what you want, Anne? Do you want to receive the love you so rightly deserve in small, hasty portions, delivered to you in the deepest secrecy?'

'Yes, Nick, I want you more than anyone.'

'When you know there is at least one decent man who would marry you and be yours all day and all night, in public as well as in a secret little cubby in an attic or a stables? That lieutenant is a righteous man, you can have him or one like him any time you want.'

'I still only want you, Nick. I love you.'

'Even if we can never really be together. I should refuse but I can't, Anne, I love you too much to let you go. I'll talk to Mr Manners, if he'll see me.'

The certainty of seeing him again, holding him again, even if it's just once a week, even if he spends the rest of the time with others, makes Anne incredibly happy. Surely there will be shame, and fear to be caught, and jealousy, but she'll have Nick. For now, that is enough.

'He'll see you, Nick,' Simon observes with dead certainty. He has plenty of confidence, that one, he'll be a perfect gentleman once they start travelling the continent. 'Mr Manners likes you, a lot.'

It's hard to leave Nick's arms to go back to her guests, even after a lot more kisses, but she really cannot stay away any longer. Of course Frederick eyes her with apprehension when she returns, he planned all this. He is set to see her with Nick, of course he doesn't believe Nick will see other women and the truth is that if he weren't, things would be just perfect. She could marry Frederick and be his wife in public, and they could all live together and do what they liked at home. More or less, if they'd be able to find loyal staff. She gives him a little smile to prove she doesn't reproach him for his meddling and he is visibly relieved.

'We were waiting for you to return, Anne,' Fitzwilliam observes. 'Thank you so much for inviting us. I need to go back to my camp, but I've had a magnificent evening. I hope we may soon meet again, Miss Sophie, I've missed your playing tonight.'

Still so formal? Poor Sophie, she'll think she did something wrong.

'I'll gladly play for you again, Colonel, but maybe you can imagine I didn't dare offer in the presence of Miss Darcy and Mr Fielding. They're the best, and I play so poorly.'

'I think you play beautifully, Miss Sophie. But even if you are less gifted than two professional pianists that doesn't make your performance less enjoyable than theirs. Mrs Darcy always thought the same, but she finally had to accept it's not just the technical difficulty of the piece that counts. It's as much the emotion, and the memories attached to it, even the performer herself that make the experience valuable. I'll gladly hear you play those Italian songs again, Miss Sophie.'

Well, well, now Sophie can go home feeling a little better. Anne is reasonably sure that Fitzwilliam is working very hard to supplant his unreachable ideal with the completely opposite reality. But she may have to be a little patient before she finally gets him.

Anne takes her beloved cousin to the front door, where Hugo is holding his horse. They kiss, and Anne observes, 'Come again soon, Fitzwilliam, if you can.'

He embraces her tightly, he must have some feelings to vent and he loves Anne as much as she loves him, then says, 'I will Anne. I think it's time to move on and finally be happy. Thank you again for what you are doing for me, Anne, I feel alive for the first time in at least a year. Do you think she loves me, Anne?'

'I know she does, Fitzwilliam. She told me, was very disappointed you didn't seem to notice her. I'm glad you finally did.'

'I'll need a little time to adapt, but I think I'll manage. Maybe soon. Good night, dear cousin!'

'Good night, Fitzwilliam!'

When she returns, Frederick gets up.

'Even though it's pretty late, I have some little thing to do. But I guess you'll want to talk a little with Miss Anne before you leave, Miss Sophie?'

'If Anne doesn't mind, of course.' Sophie already sounds much less girlish, there must be a rather serious girl hidden in that frivolous young thing.

Anne is fairly certain that Frederick wants to have a word with Nick, and though it bothers her to be treated like a pawn she does not want to lose Nick, and Frederick is her best chance to keep seeing him.

'Your cousin is so sweet, Anne, the better I get to know him the more I love him. But he seems very sad somehow, and it's as if he doesn't even realise it himself.'

'He was in love with someone, Sophie, and before he realised how much, she had married someone else. He never stood a chance to win her.'

'That is indeed very sad. I used to love Nick, but he doesn't love me, I think he loves you.'

Anne is shocked Sophie has seen their involvement, but she tries to hide it, of course.

'He's a servant, Sophie. And besides, he cannot be claimed, he does not love one woman, he told me so himself.'

'He told you that? It's not how he looks at you when your back is turned, Anne. And when you weren't at the concerts last week he kept looking for you. You know he doesn't act like a servant at all, he is more like our brother. But I guess that precludes love, too. So I think I shall try to make your cousin a little less sad instead.'

'It may take a while, Sophie, I'm not sure if he's ready, but I think you will succeed, you'll not be sorry.'

'I'm just sorry you can't make Nick happy, Anne. I do love him, you know.'

'Nick's not unhappy, Sophie, you must be mistaken. He doesn't fall in love, he likes to spread his love around.'

'Not anymore, Anne, he hasn't had any ladies in his hideout since you started to be kind to him. And he's been very unhappy since you moved here, I think he's afraid you'll marry Mr Manners. I know you cannot marry a servant but I feel bad for him, he's been our best friend for years.'

Nick hasn't slept with other women at all? For weeks? He's been unhappy over her?

'Are you certain it wasn't just being hurt that made him feel bad, Sophie?'

'No, he was very happy when you were so nice to him! With his eyes black and blue, and cuts everywhere, he kept smiling and smiling. Then when we danced, I've never seen him dance with someone to the exclusion of all else. He always kept an eye on us, but then he only had eyes for you. No, Anne, I know Nick, have known him for three years now. He is desperately in love with you, though he may try to hide it if he thinks you'll scorn him for it. As I said, he isn't really a servant to us, he's quite proud. He can do that because papa thinks the world of him.'

'He was always very polite to me, Sophie.'

She grins, does she suspect?

'That just proves he loves you. Ask him, he's right here in the house, he'd love to see you. He was very nervous to come here, though he must have known you'd be here and he'd be there. I bet he wants to kiss you again, like he did at the dance. Or hold you, and nuzzle your neck. I should be jealous of you but I merely wish you could just love him.'

With the utmost self control Anne replies airily, but of course her feeling does creep into her voice, 'I'm very sorry you think Nick is unhappy over me. I hope he feels better, soon, Sophie. I'll just come to some concerts next week, if you still go there, and we can talk a little. If not, I'll visit at your place, I want to know how the trial went, he didn't like to testify against Wellesley. You know I like Nick, he saved me from being dragged back to my mother, I'll always be grateful for that.'

But when Frederick returns he has Nick with him and they are actually chatting like friends. Nick is trying his best to look neutral, but Anne can see he is thrilled. Frederick must have told him something he liked to hear.

'Are you ready to go home, Miss Sophie?' he asks. 'Your father will be waiting to hear how your visit was, I'm sure. If you get married, and Angelina to her own officer, I'm going to find myself without a job.' But he says it almost gleefully. Sophie doesn't hear that, though.

'Oh no, Nick! Papa will find you some other job, he'll never let you down, he loves you like a son!'

Anne makes sure to beam on him, to show him all the love she feels for him so he'll stop feeling low. And if he cheats on her, so be it, her parents' marriage has proven that the state of holy matrimony is no guarantee for lasting love and happiness either. She will take every day as it comes, and enjoy Nick's love as long as it lasts. The cheeky fellow even dares to kiss her when it looks like no-one is paying attention to them.

'See you soon, my love,' he whispers. What has Frederick told him?

Asking one of the most influential gentlemen in London why he is pulling Nick's strings like a puppet master, and more importantly, why he is doing the same to the woman he is reputedly planning to make his wife, is probably not a very smart thing to do for a lowly servant of a minor family. Mr Manners did describe to Nick the heavy handed way he and his friends raised themselves at boarding school, and he has quite a reputation of ruthlessness towards enemies.

Still Nick might have known he'd get nothing worse in response to his brazen question than a slightly painful bear-hug.

'You have every right to be disgruntled, Nick, I've used you ruthlessly to get at what I think I cannot have without you. Remember Lieutenant Talbot?'

Nick certainly does, the perfectly eligible officer who showed such a delightful interest in Miss Anne. Of course Nick hates him like poison, but at the same time he knows this is exactly the man Miss Anne could be very happy with. Righteous, admiring, of excellent birth and with just enough fortune to build a perfect life together. No roving eye, the lieutenant, a faithful husband he would make.

'I do. He would be a much better match for Miss Anne than you. She said you are a philanderer.'

'He would indeed make a much better husband than I, but not because I crave to please other women. I fear his kind, because I really, really want to marry Miss Anne, but I cannot give her love. My heart is given to another, whom I can never marry.'

Nick is outraged, even worse than having affairs! But Mr Manners holds up a soothing hand.

'This is where you come in. Because I cannot give Miss Anne the love she deserves, I cannot compete with a man like Talbot, though my name and fortune far exceed his, and I'd leave Miss Anne free to live the life she wants to. You, however, give me an edge: you love her as much as she loves you, though you have both tried to deny it and forget it. Give it up, it won't work, accept your love, celebrate it. Once Miss Anne has made the decision to marry me, all four of us can be with the one we want, and the outside world will only see a fairytale marriage of an average gentleman with a stunningly beautiful woman. That is why I manipulated you, Nick, you are the prize I need to lure Miss Anne into a mutually beneficial marriage. And until she decides, I will protect both of you when you see each other in secret.'

'And why does Simon allow you to use him as your liaison behind the scenes?'

'I thought that should be perfectly clear to you, Nick, as a man who is generally liked without putting any special effort into it.'

'I help Mr Manners because I like him, Nick. He is a nice man, who treats me with respect, and therefore I want to help him.'

It's true from both perspectives: Nick does like Mr Manners and would go through quite some trouble to please him. And people like Nick, and are always eager to please him for no particular reason at all.

'We are more alike than you'd think, Nick, you and I. Take your time to consider what it would be like to live as I propose. There are things you wouldn't be able to do together, like kissing or holding hands in public. And I'd expect you to sire a few heirs, when Anne has told me you don't want children.'

'You'd want my children to inherit your estate? But people would find out!'

'We look enough alike that even my own mother would never notice my children were actually yours. You will be a servant in name only, free to do as you decide together. You will never lack money, you will never have to tolerate abuse again. In the country you can even pass as my cousin twice removed, you will get to ride, hunt, eat as much goose liver and truffles as you can stomach. And in town you can play the society game as our man in the background. Think about it, talk it over with Anne, and let me know. Easy enough to find you a place in my household.'

For a moment, Nick is overwhelmed. He has a nice, easy life now, will he turn that upside down to be with a woman? He has always set the scene for his affairs, can he dance to another man's tune?

Then reality strikes: even if they don't marry an officer, Mr Blackwood will tolerate his girls going out until they are twenty-one. That's a year and a half, and then Nick will have to look for other employment. Does he really need to be noble and free Miss Anne to marry a worthy man? What if she can never love a man like Lieutenant Talbot? What if she does marry a man like that and he appropriates her fortune and locks her up in his country house? Or they end up like his master and mistress, totally indifferent to each other? Why not just take the chance and love each other?

Is a Lieutenant Talbot really worth more than a Mr Manners? The latter is honest at the very least. And what if Miss Anne wants to try other men? She has been fettered her whole youth, let her finally be free! Live the exciting life Mr Manners leads, always in the thick of society, surrounded by admirers. Nick doesn't expect to want to pick up his own philandering, he's well and truly hooked, but who knows? Maybe after a year or two he will start to look about him again.

'You have given me much to think about, Mr Manners. I've consistently told myself I am not good enough for Miss Anne, not just because of my low status, also because I have led a far from unblemished life so far. I love her with all my heart, and I want to make her happy. You give me hope that maybe I can be part of her life.'

'Why don't we all think it over, get to know each other, and take our time to come to a decision?'

And that is good advice, Nick now knows what Mr Manners wants from Miss Anne and from him, and why the gentleman spends so much time on a mere servant. He supposes they know each other a lot better now, but he does wonder what kind of woman can be so much in love with Mr Manners that she'd accept his marrying another woman to secure his place in society. Will Nick like her, and will Miss Anne like her? She must be very lowborn or the man would just marry her, fortune or not.