Chapter 114

Having been with Nick again just a few days ago, and in private, has really heartened Anne immeasurably, and she can use some heartening for it has been exactly one month since her last monthly bleeding. Dora has assured Anne she has seen to the necessary supplies, but Anne is not so sure about doctor Parker's pills, they'll undoubtedly keep her from real suffering, but what else will they do?

'Do you think I should tell the housekeeper, Dora? Warn her I will be indisposed for several days?'

'Why no, Miss! You're so much better now, there may be no need. You may not suffer so badly anymore, many things have changed.'

That is certainly true, Anne has been stuck in her deplorable situation for years, even this may have changed with her improved physical condition.

'All right, let's see what happens then. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. You can always explain to the good lady if things get bad.'

'I'll be there for you, Miss, you know that. But let's hope for the best, I like seeing you so lively and happy.'

Alas, Dora's hope proves in vain; exactly when Anne expects it the first signs of her monthly affliction announce another ordeal. Profuse bleeding and moderately painful cramps have Anne unwilling to leave her own room, and she knows the pain will get worse. Unable to eat, she sends Dora to excuse her for dinner, she doesn't feel like eating at all and merely hopes things will not get much worse. But of course they do, and within half an hour she is writhing in agony as she hasn't been for years, mother's doctor may have nearly killed her with his bloodlettings, his powders did work. Sitting, lying down, walking about, nothing gives relief, Anne knows these cramps will go on for two days at least, and all this time she will have to stay alert to change her rags in time to prevent a bloody mess. All her optimism of the last week drains away, and soon Anne is lost in tears, but not so far as to not feel the pain anymore. Muffling her sobs in her pillow, Anne feels as forlorn as she ever has. Dora knows not to bother her mistress in this state, Anne has always resisted a hired help comforting her as the ultimate humiliation, so now the gentle maid merely checks on her every hour to see whether she is still reasonably all right and bearing up.

There is no-one to comfort her, she wouldn't even want Nick to see her this way, it's so demeaning to be biting one's pillow in agony. Though a friendly touch of a sister or mother might have helped a tiny bit. Anne wouldn't know, she has never known real, selfless love from anyone after her father died, and doesn't remember having been ill before that happened. Dora comes in to check on her pile of rags, finds her mistress even worse than she feared and dares comment, 'Didn't you get pills from that new doctor, Miss? Please let me fetch a cup of water to take one, I cannot bear to see you like this for two days! Mrs Annesley is very worried about you, Miss.'

'I don't dare take those pills, Dora. I think they're opium based, and I'm afraid to start doing or seeing disturbing things. Maybe you can find a powder like I used to have at Rosings.'

'I will try, Miss, right away.'

And the poor girl flees.

Anne cannot care, she is in so much pain, all she can think of is to curl up and hope to faint, but of course she is not given that release. Her slight but stronger body is still racked with pain, it's as if she is better able to generate pain because she is stronger, but she knows that isn't true, it's the powder she used to take, that took at least the edge off the pain.

Tossing and turning on the bed she loses all consciousness of the world around her, she becomes pain, until strong hands lift her upright and she is offered a sip of water from a cup, which she accepts gratefully. Then she feels a hand putting a pill in her mouth, and offering more water. It's Frederick, and he is insistent! Anne doesn't want the pill, she struggles and tries to get rid of it, spits it out.

The hand catches it, so many hands the man has! Holding her, holding the pill, holding a cup. Through a haze of pain she realises Simon is holding her upright, as Frederick is talking to her gently but with some urgency.

'Please take the pill, Anne, doctor Parker would never give you something that will harm you. You cannot keep suffering this way, it's not acceptable. Please take it.'

'I can't. I'm quite sure there's opium in that pill, and Nick took those. They made him submissive and he lost a lot of self control, I can't have that happen, not here, not among strangers. I wouldn't even have done that at Rosings.'

Now Simon speaks up, pleading.

'Dear Anne, you can trust us, you know that. You don't need to fear losing face towards us, we're your friends. We'll keep you out of trouble and safe, just take the pill, I can't bear to see someone so vibrant in such a state. Please?'

'Please, Anne, do. We'll stay with you, Dora will not see you should you act out.'

The pain is not diminishing, though the feeling of loneliness is. No-one ever tried to comfort her before, maybe she can take the pill.

'All right, I'll take it then,' she says, and swallows the offered pill with a sip of water, and another sip to wash away the taste, though it doesn't taste all that bad.

'Thank you for letting us help you, Anne, now you can let go, we're here to take care of you.'

And she does. Before she can believe it possible the pain drains away from her belly and a wonderful feeling of lightness starts to fill her entire being. It's as if she is floating, and only those strong hands are connecting her to the earth.

'Is that better, Anne?' a very concerned voice asks.

They are so sweet, Frederick is much more tender hearted than he pretends to be, and Simon may be even sweeter. They will keep her from floating away, Anne wants to stay in London forever with them, and Nick.

'The pain is gone, Simon, but you need to hold me really tightly for I'm drifting away.'

'Do you mean drifting off, Anne? You can go to sleep if you want to.'

'No Frederick, I'm not sleepy at all. I'm floating, and if you don't keep a firm hold on me I'm going to fly out of the window. I do not want to go back to Rosings, maman will shackle me to the bed and bathe in my blood every week to stay young forever.'

Suddenly she is very afraid to lose all that blood and die, she hasn't had a chance to live, yet.

'Don't let her get me, please? She wants my blood!'

Strong arms now pick her up altogether, pressing her against a broad chest, cradling her like a lost baby. The floating feeling fades, she cannot fly off like this, she will stay in her beloved's arms forever.

'I'm so glad you came to rescue me, Nick, I love you so much. Will you kiss me again?'

An amused voice rumbles, 'I'm sure Nick will visit and hold you and kiss you, my dear, as soon as he hears you're not feeling very well. But for now you'll have to make do with this.'

And she feels a very chaste kiss on her cheek, so cute, of course he's not Nick, he feels the same but his scent is still different. Nick's a servant, he doesn't smell like a gentleman as Frederick does.

'Do you smell like a gentleman or a servant, Simon?' she asks the man sitting really close to Frederick. They're making good use of their time here.

'What do you think, Frederick? You know best.' Simon sounds amused.

'I think you smell like a prince, Simon, and you look like one, too.'

'It's that cologne you gave me for Christmas, Frederick, it fools even the best.'

'I guess that answers your question, Anne, why do you ask?'

'Well, Frederick, you feel just like Nick, but you smell different. I thought that might be the difference between a gentleman and, you know, a normal man.'

'And I suppose you prefer your normal man? And want him to come and hold you?'

'I do prefer him, but I don't want him to see me this way, it's demeaning.'

'Why? You're not drunk and you didn't stuff yourself sick, did you? In what lies the shame?'

Suddenly Anne feels really tired, she can hardly keep her eyes open.

'It's the bleeding, it's disgusting and it keeps coming. I have to change the rags now, and then I'd like to sleep a little, I'm tired. Thank you so much for being here, and not minding my ramblings.'

'One of us will pick up a book and stay with you, Anne, you're not alone in this.'

Ten minutes later she has crawled back in bed, and right beside her she can see Simon reading by the light of a candle.

'Frederick's at the concert with your cousin the colonel and Mr Bingley and his wife. You go to sleep, and I'll watch over you.

She is lying on a bed but it's a hard bed, not very comfortable, and her back aches. Trying to turn around she finds herself unable to stir, she's not restrained, just very, very weak. Her neck hurts and she can't touch it, her arm won't move.

A light is approaching, finally, someone to help, she's been lying here unattended for hours, and she can't do anything at all.

'Now, Miss de Bourgh,' a well-know voice drawls, making her shiver with fear. 'This is taking far too long, we haven't got all day, you know. Half an hour is plenty for the likes of Catherine, she just lies there and lets me do all the work. But I'm going to speed it up a little, I've other things to do, you know, can't fill up a bath a cup at a time.'

And her mother's doctor comes towards her with a gleeful expression, one hand stretched towards her, the other...holding a large butcher's cleaver.

Anne cannot do anything but scream.

Again she finds herself held like a baby in those strong arms, against a broad chest. And even gibbering with fear, heaving for breath, she notices this one does smell right. Nick! She grabs hold of his waist, clutches herself against him, trying to push her face closer against his chest to find relief from fear.

'Anne, my lovely, you're safe now, it's me, I'll protect you, you know me, don't you?'

One hand strokes her gently, he kisses her with overwhelming love and tenderness, and Anne slowly relaxes under his soothing touch, his face against hers, mumbling sweet nonsense in her ear. Fear receding, reality comes back, the reason why she is in her bed suffering delusions. A slight cramp confirms her memory, the wet rags against her thigh alarming her more than a little: she doesn't want Nick to see her like this, dishevelled, sweaty, the shameful torrent of blood going on and on. The loneliness is back instantly and Anne releases Nick, tears overwhelming her.

But he does not let her go, quite the opposite, he clutches her against him even tighter.

'Let me go, Nick, I'm filthy, I don't want you to see me like this.'

She can hear that he is smiling as he replies, 'It's dark, my love, I can't see you.'

But then his voice changes to seriousness.

'Please don't do that to us, Anne, don't send me away. How can I leave you when I love you more than anything? Let me take care of you as you took care of me, don't you see that this is what love is about? Didn't you tell my my manhood looked as if something chewed it up and spit it out? When it was only a bit discoloured? And the world would have shamed you for even looking at it? You didn't leave me then, did you? You cleaned me up and helped me bear the pain. You accepted me as I was. I'll gladly clean you up and wash your rags for you, truly, I love all of you, not just the perfect lady.'

That must be what true love is. There is no way Anne can resist such eloquence, and he is right, she did not hesitate to touch any part of him when he needed her. And since she is not in pain at this moment, and no longer delirious or ashamed of the state she's in, she considers pulling him in beside her, then decides she'd better change those rags first. And he really does come with her and helps her clean up, though they merely dump the rags in the bucket with cold water waiting for them. They are disgusting, but Nick merely watches them in shock.

'So much of your life's blood, Anne, how often, and for how many days?'

'Every few hours, or everything gets drenched, and at least two days. Doctor Parker said there was nothing that could be done, some women just lose that much blood every month.'

'Do you feel weak again? Will you be back to living death by tomorrow?'

'I don't think so, Nick. Doctor Parker told me the bloodlettings took about a quarter of my total amount of blood each month. I'm certain this looks much worse than it is. But it's been years, my love, we'll find out soon enough. Won't you be in trouble when someone finds you missing?'

'I have leave of absence to care for a sick relative. I haven't had leave of absence once during the last three years. Your cousin will probably be riding over a few times until I get back. I'm afraid my time at the Blackwood mansion is nearly up, Anne, Angelina seems serious about her officer after all, my master is very pleased with you for finding husbands for his daughters. But I insist on all of us going to some weird place for a very last inappropriate venture, I want you to come, too.'

'I wouldn't miss it for the world. I can't wait to see where you'll take us.'

Everything cleaned up, Nick takes her in his arms, lying in her bed together.

'I want you to take another one of those pills tonight, Anne. They said you were in agony, I don't want you to wake up screaming again.'

'It was the opium dream that caused me to scream, Nick. It was frightful, I don't dare risk that again. Can't I take a powder?'

'Simon suggested you split the pill in two, have only half. He thinks the dosage was too high for a slight girl like you.'

That is not unreasonable. And the pain is really gone altogether, it's such a relief.

'All right, I will try. Can you stay?'

'I can, Simon snuck me in, no-one knows I'm here. Though I suspect we'll not be able to fool Dora for long, she cares about you, she'll want to know what is going on. Apparently most of the other staff goes home at night, and the stable boy is out all night, chasing after the girls?'

'He's actually the Pemberley stablemaster, taking care of the horses here while his master is away. He usually lives in Derbyshire, where there is little amusement for a bachelor like him, I guess they allow him a little freedom for working beneath his dignity. Or he profits from Darcy being away from home.'

After Anne has taken half a pill they talk and snuggle a little more, but Anne soon starts to become drowsy and just half an hour later she slowly drifts off to sleep, feeling perfectly safe with her strong and faithful lover at her side. Nick does not fall asleep beside his beloved, he knows she may experience disturbing visions again and he wants her to wake up in his arms if she does. But also, he is fast finding out that being in love with someone and having that love answered gives rise to a lot of worries. What if her cousin Mr Darcy finds out and forbids Nick the entrance to his house? What if his beloved Anne starts to realise Nick is actually a very ordinary fellow, poor, of low birth, not even handsome or with a particular talent like Mr Fielding? What if she meets a gentleman she could love? What if he starts to regain his roving eye despite her devastating beauty? And even if they stay smitten, won't someone in the staff notice what is going on? And where will Nick live once Anne gets married, what will he do if she falls in love with Mr Manners anyway?

His mind keeps spinning in circles, and he cannot think of anything he can do to stop it besides concentrating on the warm, soft shape in his arms, listen to her calm breathing, smell her delicious female scent. And doing so his doubts are driven out of his mind by an almost delirious happiness, imagine this woman being in love with him, of all the men in the world she loves him! And, best of all, he loves her as much as she loves him, finally he can return love with his soul as well as with his body. Whatever will happen, he will relish the time he is given with Anne, he will trust her to make the right decision about their future together, and they will see what happens after that. He can always go back to the kind of life he has now, he will take the risk of getting his heart broken, or losing his job, if anyone is worth it it's Anne.

Thoughts quieted, Anne's regular breathing and the slight warm weight of her in his arms soon cause him to drift off as well. And when Simon brings a candle into the room later that night to check up on Anne, mostly to keep Dora satisfied that someone is looking after her mistress even though she refuses to let Dora see her in the throes of those opium-based pills, he finds the two lovebirds peacefully asleep in each other's arms. But asleep or awake, Anne's bleeding continues, and Simon gently wakes the young lovers to change Anne's rags, which they do together, Anne still very sleepy but Nick instantly awake.

'Do you by any chance have woollen drawers in stock, Simon?' he asks without the slightest embarrassment, once they're back to the bed. 'You won't believe how clumsy this whole rag-thing is set up. With a nice tight pair of knitted drawers I'm certain we can build up the rags to last the night.'

Since keeping stock is his job, Simon knows they have some, but none that would fit slight Anne.

'Not in Miss Anne's size, no. But I can get some tomorrow?'

'If you would, please. I suppose we'll manage tonight. What will we do tomorrow, Simon, won't Dora insist on seeing her mistress? I know I would, if I thought my mistress was kept away from me while possibly in agony. Can I hide in your room for half an hour? Or do you want me to go back home tomorrow, Anne? It seems you're doing quite well on half a pill.'

'I can't think at all, Nick, I'm sorry,' Anne yawns, 'I guess it's the opium, I'm too sleepy. Though I'm glad to be rid of the pain. Can I please go back to sleep? And will you please stay with me? I'm so afraid the dream will return, it was so real and so terrifying. I suppose we'll have to explain eventually, can't Frederick think of something? Will you ask him, Simon?'

And his poor love is fast asleep in his arms once more, leaving Nick confused and Simon embarrassed.

'I suppose she was a bit delirious, Simon,' Nick offers, 'I don't think she really expects you to disturb Mr Manners at this time of the night. Let's settle this in the morning, if someone knocks I'll hide under the bed.'

'Thank you, Nick, for your understanding.'

'Are you pulling my leg, Simon? I'm not some kind of gentleman, if I was of this household you'd outrank me!'

And though Simon acknowledges this with a kind smile, he still seems a bit rueful, as if he regrets not being able to confer with Mr Manners immediately. He approaches Nick with a soft expression, and just before he kisses Nick on his forehead, like a father would kiss his son, he comes to his senses and merely clasps his shoulder familiarly.

'I'm sure everything will turn out well, Nick,' he says gaily, 'Frederick will make it right.'

Then with a last look at sleeping Anne, he turns around and leaves the room, taking the candle.

'I'm glad you have such a fabulous talent for finding the quaintest places to stay, my love,' Elizabeth assures Darcy when they sit at breakfast, just before starting their last full day of travel. They left Pemberley early Monday morning after spending their Sunday on the estate, attending the familiar church with people they know, seeing Mrs Reynolds much recovered.

'Thank you, my love,' Darcy replies, 'I do feel guilty each time we pass an establishment my family frequented for decades, but I must admit I have come to prefer these smaller inns myself. After losing our anonymity in London I'm very relieved to be just an ordinary gentleman as long as we're on the road. And look! Apparently even smaller inns have a morning paper this close to London.'

Darcy retrieves a well-read newspaper from an adjoining table in the breakfast room, and chewing on a slice of toast spread thickly with fabulous local plum preserve he opens it.

'Oh, it's yesterday's after all. Oh well, it's not as if news travels that quickly.'

'It's not your regular paper, are you sure you want to read this one? I seem to remember it was stuffed to the brim with gossip last time we got our hands on one.'

That certainly is true, this is the kind of paper Miss Bingley, now Mrs Grenfell, would read. But, 'It can't be all that bad, can it? And shouldn't we know what is going on in the world despite having been so far to the north?'

'The Newcastle papers were fine, my love,' Elizabeth offers, 'though I still don't understand why they'd print London gossip in their society pages.'

'Those were the days, my dearest Elizabeth, when I still routinely skipped the society pages. Nowadays we need to worry about every servant we hire, and every tradesman we admit to our home, have Simon follow him around to keep him from poking into our business for some information to sell.'

At least the news is covered adequately, some articles dealing with national news, some on the situation in the colonies, and a frightening piece on what the French revolution is doing with that country.

'If you're going to read all of it, Fitzwilliam,' Elizabeth now says, 'you can give me part of the paper or I'll be bored.'

Of course, this isn't home, where Elizabeth can chat with Georgie or one of the others during breakfast, there are just the two of them here and he should spend some time on his beloved. Or give her the society pages, they seem to consist of nearly half the paper. Leafing to find the perfect place to split the paper, he no sooner finds it than a fat black header catches his attention.

'Dream weddings do come in pairs!'

'After failing to secure Miss Georgiana Darcy's hand through the interference of Mr Eric Fielding, already called the most talented pianist and composer of his generation by many, our most esteemed citizen Mr Frederick Manners has finally managed to make the coveted connection to the Darcy family after all. The heart and soul of our New Year's Eve Ball, the eternal bachelor, has finally been caught by a most surprising party, Mr Darcy's maternal cousin Miss Anne de Bourgh.

Miss de Bourgh came out of nowhere, ravishingly beautiful and as exquisitely dressed as her cousin's wife, to steal Mr Manners' heart and leave us all in suspense when and where their wedding will take place. That it will be as lavish as the New Year's Eve Ball is a certainty.'

After which follows a minute description of Georgie's wedding as it is supposed to be planned, in a venue stolen from a fairytale, plus a description of a wedding-dress that would leave poor Georgie lost in lace and diamonds. And an even more outrageous description for Anne's nuptials! Where did the reporter get this nonsense?

'He must have asked his wife, my love, or his daughter, to find out how they envisioned a dream wedding. And he probably used the description of the Ball and talked to someone who attended our wedding, or who talked to someone who knew I wore diamonds. Like a serving maid at the venue where we celebrated. It's a mixture of one or two facts from our wedding, the Ball and someone's fanciful dreams. Hence, dream weddings.'

Apparently he spoke his indignation out loud for her to reply to his thoughts, he cannot remember.

'Do you think your cousin is truly engaged to Frederick? Has he told her about himself?'

Darcy refuses to doubt Manners again, their friend will not act without his and Elizabeth's approval again, they can trust him. But he also knows Manners is certainly interested in making this gossip come true. He is looking for a wife, and he has not prevented these tales from finding fertile ground to thrive in. And Darcy still doesn't agree with that, he is determined that Anne deserves better than to marry a man who can never return her love.

'I don't think she is engaged, no. It's too soon, she is not going to decide something life changing like that in a few weeks. I think someone is making the most of their obvious friendship. I'm getting very tired of this, Elizabeth, I'm starting to suspect that our house is being watched day and night. Will they follow us to Pemberley?'

'Of course not, my love. No-one in London cares what happens three days to the north. As soon as we leave town we will have our lives back. Come, finish your coffee, Bob and Fanny will be waiting in the cold. Lucky couple, to have their wedding in absolute privacy. I still remember what it felt like to do as we pleased.'

But he does finish his coffee and folds the paper back together, after which he helps his beloved into her beautiful coat and they set off once more, back to London, back to the reporters.

Half a pill is clearly the right dosage for Anne, she sleeps well and wakes the next morning with Nick in her arms. There is some cleaning up to do and Nick is true to his word and does not hesitate to do his share, after which they lay back on the bed and snuggle to their heart's content. But there is a restlessness in Nick that keeps him on edge until indeed someone knocks and a masculine voice begs leave to enter. It's Simon, and he brings breakfast, clean rags, several ungainly knitted garments that make Nick very happy, and news.

'Dora still accepts that you want to be alone because you are afraid to say or do inappropriate things in front of your own maid. She doesn't like it, and she feels rather forlorn all by herself in a strange house, but she does believe you. Maybe you can allow her in for half an hour, show her you are well and not put out with her? I feel sorry for her, but she will feel better once Fanny is back and she has someone to talk to, she kind of looks forward to sharing a household with Mrs Darcy's maid.

Anyway, no danger of sudden intruders, Nick, just enjoy your leave and I'll fetch you if someone wants to visit Anne. Frederick wants to drop in later, and I suppose Miss Darcy is a little worried, but she and Mr Fielding will be out all day.'

And he gathers the laundry, replaces the bucket for the rags and is gone.

After an excellent breakfast, Nick shows Anne his idea with the knitted garments, which turn out to be men's underwear, a bit scratchy because of the wool but so tight the rags finally stay where they are supposed to be. They both laugh at the sight of Anne's slim figure in the less than elegant drawers, but they are surprisingly comfortable and she feels much more secure.

'If I wear these under my dress and petticoats, I can even leave my room.'

Looking at his expression she adds quickly, 'But I won't, Nick, I'm glad to be here with you.'

Nick is so insecure, where has her valiant saviour of yesterday evening gone?

'I'm sorry, my love,' he says, 'I keep seeing all kinds of problems cropping up before us, I love you so much but I'm afraid we'll never have a chance to make it work. Your world and mine are miles apart, aren't we fooling ourselves? Aren't we making our inevitable separation harder and more painful by getting to know each other so well?'

Anne does share his doubts. It seemed so easy to hide their involvement with the help of Simon and Frederick, but it is not. There are people everywhere, first of all Dora, then the other servants, then her relatives. Georgiana and Eric will understand if they find out, but Darcy? Despite letting his sister marry a man from as low a class, she knows he will not understand his cousin falling in love with a man like Nick, who has been a servant all his life and looks and talks like one. And tomorrow Darcy will return home, with Elizabeth, who is one of the most perceptive people Anne knows.

'Don't cry, Anne, please, or I'll join you. I'm sorry, love, I didn't mean to upset you. I thought you'd have a good answer for me, to hearten me, you did last time.'

He holds her and she holds him, and she'd swear he is close to crying as well. Why does life have to be so difficult? Why didn't they just enjoy their time together without falling for each other? Then they both could have gone their separate ways. And would it really be so bad to just let go of her family and marry him, even if it does mean delivering herself to him?

'I'm just used to being active all day, Anne, I think sitting here makes me feel useless. Let's read, or talk of innocuous things, like your cousin's wedding. I read in Mrs Blackwood's paper that it will be much like a fairytale, and that your wedding to Mr Manners will be even more splendid.'

'I never read that, Nick, and I read even the society pages.'

'I suppose the mistress may have a different one than Mr Darcy, it was in yesterday's edition. Still your Mr Manners really seems to like me.'

'He does, he's really fond of you. And we are not engaged, Nick, if the paper says that it is lying. I really think it is still an option for us to be together, but I will not make any decision without your knowledge. Truly. Please don't be jealous of Frederick, he does not love me, he really has our best interest at heart. What did it say about Georgiana's wedding?'

'How magnificent it will be, how much lace and diamonds she will wear, how the guests will number in the hundreds.'

'That is not even true. They expect fewer than fifty guests, Georgiana is shy and only wants her closest relatives to attend. I've seen her dress, it's magnificent, but not at all as one would expect it. No lace at all, and certainly no diamonds, though Darcy reputedly has a whole stack of them, most likely safely put away at some bank. I feel much better already, Nick, just talking about a wedding. Why don't we take things one day at a time, see where they lead us? I'm happy when I'm with you, I don't want to spoil that with fear or misgivings. I never did, but it was difficult after I left, when I thought you were back with your ladies while I was trying to keep up my spirits.'

'And I thought you hated me for despoiling you. I was so confused, I had never fallen in love before. You are right, my love, let's not think too much about the future, or your cousin. As you said, Mr Manners likes me and he practically abducted me here, if I lose my job he will find me a new position.'

'And if I lose my virtue, he will marry me.'

And saying that with a merry laugh does not cost Anne any effort. At that moment, she firmly believes that all will be well, because Frederick says he will take care it does.

Besides worrying for her cousin Anne's health and well-being, Georgiana also misses her presence and her excellent sense. She would so love to ask her opinion on all kinds of practical things concerning the wedding, and if she dared, about love. For Anne has to be seeing someone to know about ways to prevent getting with child, and it has to be someone with experience. But why is she doing it in secret? She is an adult and she has her own fortune. He has to be of low birth, or maybe even married. If Anne's mood before she got sick is any indication, things had been going badly until very recently, and if Georgiana's powers of observation are worth anything, Frederick was involved.

Maybe she will get a chance to talk to her cousin tonight, just before or after dinner. Anne will only let Simon or Frederick see her, avowedly because she is taking opium-based pills and fears to make a fool out of herself in public. But Georgiana does not buy that for one second. She knows what is ailing Anne, and though it can be very disconcerting and embarrassing, they are her family and will not hold anything she suffers or says against her. Unless she is afraid to tell them about her lover. Which proves Frederick is in over his ears.

And when they return to the house after a day of lessons and making the last arrangements for their wedding, Georgiana asks Johnson to send Simon to her in the drawing-room. He arrives even before Eric has time to take place in front of the piano, and Georgiana asks him, 'Simon, will you please ask Anne whether she'll see me tonight? I'm worried, it can't be healthy to be by herself all day in her condition. I always feel very sorry for myself, and I'm not even unduly bothered when it's my time. She must be feeling awful, in a strange house, with Fitzwilliam gone away, and not even her little maid for company.'

'Frederick has been sitting with her all afternoon, Miss, and she seemed much better today. But I will ask her if she will see you. Dora has been to see her, too, Miss.'

Simon bows and leaves the room, ever since Fitzwilliam's marriage he has been this strange mixture of formal servant and intimate friend to Georgiana, whereas he used to just be some kind of friend of her brother's. He never sits down in the drawing-room these days, and he always calls her Miss or even Miss Darcy there, even though the four of them sit together for hours and chat in the boudoir or one of their own rooms. Five, whenever Anne joins them. Did Elizabeth start this change? She treats all the servants the same, whereas Fitzwilliam always favoured Simon. Or is it that he fears to betray his closeness to Frederick?

Simon returns almost instantly, bringing Anne with him! She looks fine, she even has a little blush on her cheeks, making her as beautiful as ever, even her dress and hair look as if she's had her maid to help her.

'I'm sorry I've been so reclusive, Georgiana, it was such a shock to me. I suppose I hoped those days of suffering were past, but of course they weren't, and it's so disgusting. I feel so embarrassed all the time. But... Simon brought me something very useful, I even dare step outside my room for an hour now.'

Did she almost name someone else just now? Georgiana forces herself to stop doing that, thinking like that. Anne has a right to her own private life, if she prefers to keep to her room those days of the month that is her right. If she has someone in her life she doesn't want her cousins or anyone else to know about, that is her own business, and Georgiana will help her to keep her secret towards anyone, even aunt Catherine, even Fitzwilliam.

'Can you sit down for a moment? I've missed you, Anne, it's so good to have someone to talk to, you've become such a good friend to all of us. I was worried, but I didn't blame you for wanting to stay by yourself. I always feel a little unstable when it's my time, and with what happened at Rosings and a trace of opium on top of that, I can imagine what you must have felt like.'

Anne seems astounded.

'You feel unstable, too? Like you want to cry over virtually nothing at all?'

'Sure, and I don't even have much pain or mess. I just want to hold someone and cry my eyes out for absolutely no reason at all. I can imagine you'd prefer to have Simon or Frederick witness that instead of your maid. I've never used anything containing opium, though. My opium has strings and is at least as seductive, but it doesn't cause me to talk.'

'I never used opium before either. I never used to noticed the difference between these days and all the others, I was down all the time. Can it be it was just my state and the pill making me feel very downhearted this morning? You know I saw someone who had used those pills not so long ago and I was afraid they'd affect me similarly. He was generally very self-assured but those pills made him humble and clingy. I didn't want people to see me that way, but I was in so much pain.'

Georgiana is not going to think of who that may have been, she is not. The servant. The one with the shiners, who herded his charges away from Eric. Self-assured, and clingy when badly hurt and in pain. Looking lost when Anne wasn't at the concerts. Anne staying away from concerts. Stop. Not her or anyone else's business.

'So maybe it's not the opium making me downhearted. I've not felt like floating away on half a pill, either. You know when I took a whole pill I was afraid to float back to Rosings and have my mother's surgeon kill me to help her bathe in my blood? It was very disconcerting.'

By now they are sitting in a comfortable chair each, and Eric is playing in the background, something Georgiana hasn't heard him play before, and she turns around slowly to see him totally unaware of his surroundings.

'Is he composing?' Anne whispers. 'It's as if he's not really here with us.'

Georgiana has never seen her beloved like this, he was a bit distracted all afternoon, but she merely guessed most men just cannot keep their minds on weddings and details. Except Fitzwilliam, who would undoubtedly have insisted on arranging everything if he hadn't been forced to leave for Newcastle.

'I've certainly never heard this music before,' she observes to Anne, who seems altogether taken by the whole situation. She does not speak a word, and when Eric starts again and Georgiana comments in a low voice, she looks alarmed.

'Don't worry, he won't hear us, you know, and he will play it again dozens of times before he writes it down. I've seen this part, just not the very first time he played something new. It must have come to him when we were out this afternoon, he must have been dying to get back to his piano to play what he heard in his mind.'

'It's beautiful, Georgiana. Sometimes I envy the both of you your talents, to be able to express your feelings with such beauty.'

'It's not without a price, Anne. And besides, everyone has a talent. You weren't really alive for ten years, and yet you have taken to society beyond anyone's imagination. The papers are bursting with your praise, you see things no-one sees. And you are taking charge of your own life, Anne, that is more than most of us can boast of. Don't let anyone tell you what to do, not even my brother, not even Frederick. I will be your friend whatever happens.'

While Anne's palpable relief proves her cousin is probably doing something she considers improper, Georgiana finds she doesn't care one bit. She is just overjoyed to find a friend in a relative she used to consider hopelessly overbearing, when in fact she was desperately lonely and unable to find the strength and courage to do anything and relate to anyone. Suddenly a weird and wonderful idea strikes her, though Anne may not agree with her at all.

'May I ask you a tremendous favour, Anne?'

'Of course, Georgiana, if it's in my power I'll do anything. I'm so glad you support my wish to be independent from my mother, or other relatives, or people in general.'

'Would you be my bridesmaid? I know you're much older than I am, and I know it's a bit rash and unplanned, but frankly I'm desperately afraid to wear that intricate gown and have everybody look at me. I know Fitzwilliam will be there to give me away, and Eric to catch me if I swoon, but I'd so love to have a woman to support me as well.'

Anne is almost moved to tears.

'Yes, Georgiana, I would love to. I, too, will be afraid of being looked at, I still feel like the worn-out maiden past her prime sometimes, I'd like to stand there beside you in a beautiful gown and take some of the attention away from you. It will be a deed of defiance for me, as it will be for you. And since I have just the right dress for the occasion, one I haven't worn in public yet, stunning but much less so than yours, it will be a lot less hassle than you might think. Thank you so much for asking me, Georgiana. I always wished to have a sister, and now it feels as if I have one.'

'Not just one, Anne. When Elizabeth returns it will be even more fun. She defied your mother openly, didn't she?'

'Elizabeth must be the bravest woman alive, Georgiana, and I truly hope she will become as dear to me as you have. You should have seen her at Rosings that time, with not just my mother to contend with, but Darcy too. He did not show his love for her at all, he was cold and aloof, almost frighteningly so, and still she dared tease him. I was truly stunned to hear of their engagement, I thought she hated him with a passion.'

'She did. Fitzwilliam's grief over that changed me, too. And look where it brought us, we will have such a good time together before we all go our own way. Thank you so much for indulging me, Anne, I hope you feel better, soon.'

'I feel much better already, Georgiana. Your support makes me feel loved and wanted, and that's all a girl really needs, isn't it?'