A/N: Rated M Warning for dark themes such as suicide, murder, violence
This took a long time to write, it was a whole battle in itself. Took me a long time to be happy with it as well. I hope you enjoy it! Thank you all so much for reading, reviewing, favoriting, and following! Enjoy!
Ren instinctively sat closer to her now, the similarities in the couch in his living room and the one in their dreamscape was comforting. The words felt trapped, his throat creating a web for each and every one to get caught in. He coughed to clear it and took a deep breath. It was time. So much time had passed since then, so why did it still have to hurt so much to talk about? Why did just the thought of it have to cause the rims of his eyes to redden and pool with moisture?
"Okay," he said, clearing his throat again, "sorry, I haven't talked about this in years."
Kyoko watched him, the guilt gradually creeping in as she saw him struggling to find the words. She wanted answers of course, but wasn't this enough? Here he was, sitting next to her, in his apartment and not in either of their dreams, there was no surrealism surrounding them, no unnatural breeze, no magical lighting to create a mood. This was real, and she was beginning to realize that all of her hopes and dreams about how their first meeting would go was out the window.
"It's okay." She said as her hand slid across the couch towards his empty one. "You don't have to tell me now. This is enough."
He was still staring down at the liquid in his cup, she saw his eyes narrow as he glanced at her approaching hand and he took a deep inhale, his nostrils flaring. "Don't. You deserve to know all of this and if you don't hear it now, well, I can't say I'll ever offer to tell you again this easily."
"Okay…" she sighed.
He looked up at her, his eyes looking almost black against the redness of the whites, "It'd be easier to show you. Come here. Lay your head in my lap." He said, taking a sip before putting his glass on the table and tapping his thighs.
She hesitated a moment, but this was Ren. Her Ren. Maybe a darker more intense version, but still him nonetheless and she felt herself let go of her reserve. Shifting around she leaned back until her head hit his lap and she was staring up at his face. His jaw was more chiseled from this angle and the light was hitting the side of his face harshly, highlighting the contours of his face and making the curve of his lips more prominent. She watched as his tongue slowly licked his lower lip, cleaning it of any alcohol, and she imagined herself licking the lingering flavor off of his plump lip instead.
Kyoko gasped in surprise as his large hands came around her face, his long fingers slipping between the short soft locks of her hair as he rested his head against the back of the sofa, his face no longer in her view. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Shhh. Close your eyes and try to relax, it's like going to sleep. Just a bit different." He answered her, his hands never leaving her hair.
Her eyes fluttered shut and she took several slow and steady breaths, feeling the tension dissipating in her shoulders and neck as he began to gently massage her scalp, and soon enough she was out. Her surroundings were unclear only momentarily until the hazy air around her began to take shape, turning into a place she had never been.
From the start she knew it was a memory. One from long ago. Ren was small, maybe seven at most — but still distinctly him. His blonde hair glimmered as he played with little toy cars on a carpet designed like a map of roads. The emotion was happy and calm as he played, deep golden sunlight was gently streaming in the windows signaling that sunset was approaching soon. The mood changed when the door was loudly opened. A boy just a few years older than Ren stood there, a mess of dirty blonde curls on top of his head.
"Still playing with stupid little toys, mutt?" He sneered, kicking the toy car out of Ren's hand. "I thought you'd at least grow up fast, after all, you know your parents didn't want to have a kid. Then they got stuck with you. It's the least you could do so they wouldn't have to take care of you anymore."
"But… Mama said she always wanted a little boy like me." Ren said.
The older boy laughed hard, throwing his head back but his eyes hardened. "Are you really that stupid? Like actually? She's lying!" Ren didn't respond this time. Instead he just looked down at the roads on the carpet and she saw that his eyes were wet with tears that were struggling to descend down his cheeks.
The air shifted around them. The two little boys faded into two teenagers fighting in an alley. It started all verbal, the curly haired boy yelling hateful comments at him until Ren had had enough and swiped at his face with a fist. It struck the guys cheekbone hard and a red welt began to bloom.
"You little —" He didn't bother to finish what he was about to say and it was no longer just the two of them in the alley, now there were four other guys and they all grabbed at Ren, restraining him as their leader seethed in his face. The first hit landed with a crunch and blood started pouring out of Ren's nose, the second was a kick to his stomach and Kyoko could hear the air whoosh out of him, and before the third could hit his face she grimaced, squeezing her eyes shut and turning her face away.
She remembered how he was at that age when he would visit her dreams. Always on edge and always depressed. He had never wanted to talk about his daily life, always turning conversations to be about her, always suggesting movies to watch or showing her music he had heard on the radio that he thought she would like and she saw now that it had all been because of this and her heart clenched in sympathy.
The sound of the hit never came, and she slowly began to open her eyes again. This time Ren was alone and slightly older, sitting on the edge of a bed, there were fresh tears across the knuckles on both of his hands, and a prominent bruise across his stubbled jawline. A few specks of blood were scattered on his white t-shirt, and the neckline was torn a bit like someone had grabbed him by it. But the thing that had stuck out the most was how much he had changed, the him he resembled the most right now was the one she had caught a glimpse of at the nightclub, all of his features were hard, calculating yet stoic. He was no longer a child even though he only seemed to be about seventeen.
Kyoko watched as he laid back. His head missing the pillow and both his long legs dangling off the side of the bed as his burning green eyes fluttered shut. He breathed deeply for awhile. His breaths uneven until they slowed and mellowed out, signaling that he had fallen asleep. She could see his eyes moving quickly beneath his eyelids and his body had tensed up, and then she was suddenly being pulled in and seeing what he was seeing as he began reliving the events from that night in his mind.
They were in some sort of warehouse, the lighting was dim but she could see shelving lined up and leading into the darkness as the building went on in the distance. He was fighting with the now larger terrorizing group, successfully knocking out most, until the rest were either too hurt or scared to continue fighting. The curly haired man, who Kyoko pieced together was the leader, had slipped away for a moment — only to return back to the group with a black handgun dangling from his right hand. He was holding it lazily despite how intense his gaze was, and then he was raising his arm and aiming it at a man Kyoko hadn't noticed and didn't recognize. He was unconscious, his face swollen and bloodied, the ground around him dark and wet from his injuries. Ren had been making his way towards him until he saw the gun and stilled.
"I am so sick and tired of your meddling, cousin." The man said, his arm never wavering his aim as he locked eyes with Ren. "You won't take grandfathers offer, you won't take over the family business, you won't take away my birthright. You're a halfbreed dog and nor you or your father belong here!"
Ren ground his teeth together until it hurt, fighting with their fists were one thing but guns were a whole other, "Put the gun down, Cedric. He isn't a part of this." Ren said.
"Say you'll stop!" Yelled Cedric, his eyes widening slightly as he cocked the pistol.
"I'll stop. I'll stop. Just leave Rick out of this." Ren conceited, begging for his friends life. His hands were open and raised to his shoulders as Cedric turned the gun towards him now.
Cedric's eye twitched, and after what felt like an eternity he finally uncocked the gun and brought it back down to his side, "I would do it you know. But they would never forgive me for killing you." He sighed and jerked his chin towards Rick on the ground. "Get the fuck out of here. And if you know me well enough then you'll keep this little agreement between us. And if you don't, well, I don't think I'll still give a fuck what the consequences are. After all, if they shunned me then I wouldn't have anything else to live for would I?"
Ren went and hastily picked Rick partially off the ground, his head had been laying in a pool of his own blood and it now completely saturated the entire side of the shirt he was wearing. Ren lifted his hand and cupped Rick's pale cheek, gently slapping it. "Rick… Rick. Wake up." The panic was settling heavier into Ren's voice as the man in his arms didn't respond the more he shook him,"Rick, wake up!"
Time seemed to pick up, flashing by as Ren purposefully skipping ahead to specific parts to mull over — she was now at what looked like a hospital, Ren was sitting in the waiting room, his head in his hands, a doctor coming out and saying something Kyoko couldn't make out. The surrounding flashed to Ren in the parking garage, his window was down and she watched him from outside his car. His knuckles were caked with his own and the blood of the guys in the group that had attacked him, yet they still seemed white with how hard he was gripping the steering wheel, tears were cleaning pathways through blood splatter as they streaked down his face.
She watched as he hastily began dialing a number and waited a few moments until a tired male voice answered only to be bombarded with the events of the night. Listening to him retell it was worse than the few glimpses she had been shown, and Kyoko felt her stomach lurch as she listened to him explain what they had done to Rick, how they hadn't just hit him once with the bat, but brought it down on him several times even after he had lost consciousness.
His grip on the wheel sagged and his voice caught in a sob, "They killed him, dad. He's gone. I-… I never should've even entertained grandfathers plans, I never should've told Rick about the bullying… it- it should've been me!"
The dread washed over her like a bucket of cold water. While she had been complaining about her family problems he had been going through this, and guilt began to creep into her like a shard of ice lodging itself tightly into her chest — the feeling of guilt and selfishness awoke a memory of a moment from when they were younger and the timeframe began to line up. There had been a long while where Ren had basically gone awol, and during the dream before his disappearance he had seemed remorseful — far more depressed than he usually was, like he had come to some sort of climax and it wasn't a good one. She had tried to pry but he had done as he usually did; gave a halfhearted answer that skillfully directed the conversation back towards her. Kyoko had felt guilty and selfish back then for being someone he couldn't talk to about what was hurting him, but now she saw that this was something he couldn't talk about, not even if he had wanted to.
Her attention was drawn out of her thoughts and back to Ren when his phone beeped as he hung up. He dragged his left hand down his face, clearing it of the tears that had been falling. His right hand fell down onto the stick shift of his car and he jerked it into gear, peeling out of the parking garage and into the dark night.
The memories once again began to swirl around her until she was back in the same bedroom as before, but this time Ren was lacking the bruises, blood splatter, and torn shirt. The once fresh splits in his knuckles had turned into rigid and rough scabs that were now colored a blackish brown from the blood that he had shed. Kyoko felt her cheeks flush red as he pulled his t-shirt over his head, her eyes began their descent from his wide chest down towards his smooth abdomen, discarding the shirt had not only exposed his athletic physique to her wandering eyes — it had also brought the bruises lining his ribs to her attention, especially the fact that they were beginning to yellow with age.
Kyoko noted that at least several days had passed since that night and she continued to watch Ren as he pulled a clean black tee from his closet over his head, effectively putting a stop to her wandering eyes and any further staring. He made quick work as he slipped a belt through the loops of his jeans, shoving his phone in one of the front pockets along with his keys and putting on a pair of worn black boots. She watched him closely, waiting for anything he specifically wanted her to see. The circles under his eyes were darker and puffier than she had ever thought possible, his shoulders were slumped in defeat and there was an unmistakable shakiness to his hands as he grabbed for his doorknob to leave.
Ren wasn't accustom to death, he had never known anyone or anything close to him die. Rick hadn't deserved what happened to him, he had only been trying to help him stop fighting. He had believed that Ren could make a name for himself elsewhere, doing something safe, something legal, something that put him far out of the grasp of his families hands. The weight of his sadness was becoming more than unbearable, the darkness inside his mind was beginning to consume him. He had been stupid to believe he could ever get out of this, and he was even stupider for letting Rick get involved.
It was far past closing time and the dark streets were mostly bare. The walk to the corner store wasn't long and Kyoko dutifully followed behind him, wishing more than anything that she could go back in time and be the hand that drew him out of the darkness consuming him. Soon enough he was ducking inside the door and her eyes followed his every move, she couldn't help but feel on edge while waiting for the next important piece of his story to occur. He first went to one of the back refrigerators and grabbed a bottle from one of the shelves, then headed for the counter. She watched as the clerk eyed him up and down, paying close attention to the few very obvious things signaling that Ren was not a good guy. Trouble even.
Ren set the bottle of toffee colored liquor on the counter and pointed at the cigarettes along the back wall and she saw his lips move as he said something. The clerk turned, grabbed one of the small boxes along the bottom shelf, and quickly began to ring Ren up — his gut telling him that it was best not to bother asking for an ID. The bell above the door tinkled pleasantly as he left, and the clerk let out a heavy breath feeling his shoulders drop as he relaxed.
He tucked the bottle under an arm when he came back outside. Lifting the box of cigarettes to his mouth he tore the plastic packaging with his teeth, flipping the lid back and bringing it back up to slip one of the slim sticks of rolled tobacco between his lips.
Kyoko inwardly cringed, hoping he had since decided to ditch the horrible habit. He drew in a long inhale and released it, and soon enough Ren was on the move again, this time leading her towards a bridge that curved over a steady current of water. Against one side was a plaque stating the name, "Affinity Bridge". He placed the bottle on the edge and leaned over, looking pensively into the dark water below him, he never took another inhale of the cigarette that she noticed, it just sat trapped between his teeth as it gradually burned down to the filter.
They stayed on the bridge for a while, both looking out over the water, Kyoko easily enjoying his presence even though it was all just an illusion — a trick of her mind, a memory that wasn't her own simply disguised as a dream. Ren had opened the bottle of bourbon and was taking long swigs every few moments and soon enough it was half gone and his eyes were heavily lidded and that was when the tears began to fall.
Ren was so caught up in the drink, and Kyoko wasn't sure if she didn't notice because he hadn't and therefore she couldn't — this was his memory after all, or because she was simply too distracted by the silent tears glimmering in the moonlight as they crept down his cheeks and wishing that when she reached out to touch him her hand wouldn't move right through him like he was simply a hologram, only meant to be visual and never physical, but they were no longer alone now. A group of five men had snuck up behind them, and before Kyoko even realized what was happening they were already on top of Ren, grabbing his arms tightly as they turned him around and shoved his lower back roughly into the top of the stone wall of the bridge, causing the bottle of liquor to get pushed off the edge. It was notable how long it took until it was heard hitting the water below them. Ren didn't even flinch as they harshly locked his long arms behind his back, the muscles in his shoulders went slack and his stoic face told her he knew they would show up eventually, that it was only a matter of time.
With two men on either side of him, Kyoko turned to the last of the five. While Cedric usually looked rather handsome and put-together, tonight he looked anything but that. His curly hair had been shorn down and there was a dark purple bruise surrounding one eye, but that wasn't what Kyoko kept staring at. It was the thick dark line that went from the edge of his left brow all the way down the side of his face ending at the stop of his jawline. The wound was deep and had clearly happened recently, and she knew he would carry the scar on his face permanently.
His eyes were sinister as he approached Ren with both hands stuffed deeply into his pockets. "Ren, Ren, Ren…," he clicked his tongue in disappointment, "I thought you might be here. I guess I got one thing about you right, because I was clearly wrong when I thought you would listen and keep what happened to yourself… though I didn't think your friend wouldn't survive either…" he trailed off, "Maybe the guys were a little too hard on him, huh?" He mused, the corner of his mouth lifting into a sadistic smirk and the four men holding Ren chuckled.
Kyoko held her breath, fearing for what would happen next. She knew Ren had told his father that night at the hospital, but she hadn't imagined that whomever it was that Cedric didn't want to know would also be informed. "Well, as you can see grandfather and I had it out, he looks much worse than I do, which I'm sure you would hear about tomorrow if you were still around. But that'd be another mistake on my part, right? Imagine if I didn't stick with my word!" He laughed. "I'd be a liar just like you! But I gotta admit, I wouldn't be as bad as a liar who not only got his friend killed but now his own grandfather too, and all because he couldn't just fucking listen the first time he was told something."
Ren's gaze shot up from where it had been glued at his feet and Kyoko caught a flash of horror in his eyes when they met Cedric's, "Ahhh, that's right. Now I know you're paying attention." He smiled, getting closer to Ren's face until their noses nearly touched. Standing so closely together Kyoko could now clearly see the resemblance in features, from their blonde hair to the curve of their cupids bow.
"I got a small surprise for you, not that the death of Gramps wasn't one, but I think this one might be even better." Cedric said quietly as he pulled his hand from his pocket and the moonlight bounced off of something slim and silver. "I was going to use the gun, after how your eyes filled with fear when you saw it last time, I thought it would be entertaining to really truly use it against you. But…" he flicked a switch on the silver object and a smooth blade shot out from one of the ends. He brought it up next to his own face, and began running the sharp tip of it slowly from the top of the wound on his cheek to the bottom, "after this little gift I was given to "remember my crimes", I thought I'd pay you the same courtesy for your own."
Burning green eyes followed the blades slow descent, and then Ren finally spoke. "Is grandfather really dead?"
Cedric shrugged, smiling a little at the question. "Is that why you told him about that night? Because you thought I'm all bark and no bite? If that's true, then you're a lot stupider than I thought you were." He brought the knife to Ren's face and under his eye. Everything went quiet and Kyoko's now wet golden eyes widened impossibly further as Cedric began to put slight pressure on the thin tissue of her lovers eye socket and dragged it down towards his throat, stopping at his pulse. Ren's Adams apple bobbed in anticipation, the spot stinging as more pressure was applied to the tender spot of flesh. Cedric leaned in further and murmured into Ren's ear, "Say hi to your friend for me."
It all happened in what felt like slow motion. Ren looked into Cedric's eyes, confusion apparent in his gaze, and then Kyoko was screaming for Cedric to stop, her begging silent and ignored by the multiple pairs of unhearing ears except her own. Cedric had taken the knife away from Ren's throat quickly, only to bring it back towards his stomach this time, sinking the blade in completely. Ren's shirt turned a different tone of black as the knife was pulled out, and his breath caught in a strangled gasping whine as his head dropped down to look at the wound in shock. Cedric's hand dripped blood as it hung at his side, and his other hand came up behind his victims neck, he twisted his fingers harshly into Ren's hair, yanking his face back up so he could look him in the eye as he brought the blade back into his gut for the second time, but this time slower — one inch at a time as he watched Ren's face contort in agony.
"Do you still think grandfather could be alive? Does hope still course through you veins?" Cedric asked, his hot breath coming out in short excited pants, fanning Ren's paling face.
Just as slowly as he inserted it, Cedric began to pull the blade back out. Kyoko was experiencing her first panic attack now, she knew this was a memory — that Ren survived this night, but it was all too real, the fear of losing him was overriding her sense of reason as her heart beat painfully against her chest and her body shook with violent sobs.
The next jab was fast, and Ren sagged in the arms of the men holding him. "Oh look," Cedric laughed, pointing the knife down at the pool of blood accumulating around Ren's feet, "all your hope is leaking out. Is that why you're not fighting back? Not going to lie, I'm disappointed, I kinda expected this to go a lot differently."
Ren would have fought if he had something to fight for, the last few days had been far worse than he would admit. And more than several times suicide had wandered into his thoughts. The sadness to lose Rick was bad enough, but paired with the guilt it was becoming impossible for him to come to terms with. He had been thinking about it before the five of them had shown up, staring at the water thinking about what it would be like to jump in, stay under that suffocating water, and then to just simply cease to exist.
Cedric brought the knife up further this time. Slamming it to the hilt high into Ren's left ribcage, and Ren tasted the blood before he felt it fill his mouth. He was barely standing on his own now and his vision was full of black spots and wherever there weren't those black spots there were twinkling stars, the four men struggled to keep him up. It hurt to breathe, each gasp causing more blood to spurt into his mouth until he felt like he was moments away from drowning on it.
"I think I remember hearing your parents say something about you not being able to swim… that's right, yeah?" Cedric asked, knowing his question would go without an answer. "Alright boys, now it's time for the finale," he brought the blade back up towards Ren's chest, hooking it under the neckline of his shirt, he sliced the fabric open, "my last surprise of the night." Cedric mused, bringing the sharp tip down to his upper left pec and carefully went to work carving letters into Ren's pale clammy flesh. When Cedric pulled back he smiled triumphently, pleased with his penmanship á la blade. "Okay. Toss him in the river."
Kyoko's vision of the memory was going dark, only able to see the same level of clarity Ren had available for her to view, at this point the only part he remembered was the pain, taste of blood, and the last thing he saw was Cedric cleaning the blade of the knife with a hankerchief before they pushed him back and over the low wall of the bridge. He never felt himself hit the water.