The sunlight filtering through the hospital room window shone brightly on Kakashi's pale face, his silver eyelashes shimmering upon his closed eyelids as he basked in the warmth.
Currently, he was sitting at the edge of his made hospital bed, wearing a pair of loose, gray sweatpants, and a long sleeved, black shirt, his feet covered with fuzzy, navy blue socks and a pair of slippers.
A black duffel bag that contained all of his belongings was placed at his side, packed and ready to go.
After his conversation with Kakashi the day before, Gai had talked to Tsunade about letting him go home, and she'd reluctantly agreed out of guilt—only after making it very clear that she didn't approve of the heedless decision.
Following Gai's request, the hokage had run all the tests in the world to make sure that Kakashi was okay, and after checking that they'd come up relatively clean, she'd finally given him permission to leave.
After the removal of the toxins from his body, his kidney function had improved rather quickly. As a consequence, the excess fluid that was impeding his respiration had dissipated as well, making it possible for him to breathe on his own.
Because of this, it was okay for him to go home, although doing so definitely carried a substantial amount of risk, as compared to staying under medical supervision. Nonetheless, if he wanted to leave, he technically could without being in any imminent danger.
However, if he did go, it was against medical advice, which meant that he'd had to sign an AMA form to show that he understood.
At that moment, Tsunade and Shizune were in the room as well, talking to Kakashi about what was to be expected of him in terms of future treatment. They were mostly speaking to Gai, though, as the Hatake was hardly even listening, completely in his own world.
"You have to call me everyday and tell me if anything at all feels off…seriously, Kakashi, this is not the time to hold back. I want your input as well, Gai…Anyway, Shizune will visit your apartment biweekly to run tests and track your recovery," Tsunade told Kakashi sternly, her arms crossed as she looked at his hunched back and slumped posture from her position by the door.
"In addition to that, I strongly urge you to see a therapist every two weeks, Kakashi…If you feel that you can't come to them at any point, it's okay—I'll make arrangements for them to come to you," she said earnestly, slipping Gai a list of therapists, and their respective information, "...And if you find that you don't like someone, don't stop trying altogether…I have a lot of contacts for you to choose from."
Tsunade was adamantly insisting on him going to therapy because she knew that everything he had gone through had been quite traumatizing. Looking at how cold and standoffish he'd been acting ever since waking up, she seriously worried about whether or not he was even glad to be alive.
In the end though, she couldn't really force him to get help. That was up to him.
Gai nodded furiously in response to her instructions, quickly jotting down everything that she was saying onto a notepad. In contrast to his zest, Kakashi remained still on the bed, facing away from her, and failing to acknowledge a single word that she was saying.
"Hey, brat, are you even listening?!" the hokage asked him frustratedly, one of her eyebrows twitching with impatience. Kakashi had yet to speak a single word to her—the only person he'd really talked to after waking up was Gai, and even then he kept his words rather glib and superficial.
Shizune put a hand on Tsunade's shoulder and shook her head, silently urging her to make her tone less aggressive. The kunoichi gazed at Kakashi wistfully, able to sense that his mood was off, and that anger was the last thing that he needed.
"Huh?" Kakashi replied distractedly, turning his head towards the source of the voice with a blank, sleepy expression on the visible portion of his face. His eyes looked red-rimmed and glossy, distinctly forlorn, and shadowed with purple dark circles.
He definitely hadn't been paying attention.
His mind was occupied with heavy thoughts, such as how he would continue his life now, having been stripped of his strength, and his identity as a shinobi. He felt absolutely useless as a person– if he wasn't a talented, strong ninja, then who was he?
In addition, he'd realized that a huge part of the reason he hadn't wanted to continue treatment before, was because he'd passively hoped that he would die. When he woke up, out of danger, he'd admittedly been disappointed.
In truth, it had been a really long time since he'd actually valued his life. Sure, there had been some happy moments, but for the most part, he hardly had any attachment to living. Yes, he cared about his students, but at the end of the day, it's not like he wanted to live purely to be their sensei—Kakashi was definitely more selfish than that.
While he probably should've been thankful that Tsunade and Shizune had fought so hard for him, he couldn't help but feel intensely bitter that they had. He wanted to scream and speak his mind, but at the same time, he knew that there was nothing he could say that would be even remotely rational.
Maybe one day he would be grateful, but that time was definitely not now.
Kakashi had never truly recovered from the darkness that had engulfed him after he'd lost his father, two of his closest friends, and his sensei. Instead of living through more deaths, he just wanted to get his own over with. It was only a matter of time before another one of his precious people left him to survive on his own.
Now that he wasn't dying, he was just filled with regret, and the weight of the difficult, seemingly impossible task of his impending recovery.
Perhaps he should have fought harder to not get treatment.
Tsunade's gaze softened as she finally caught sight of his exhausted, distinctly depressed visage, and she realized with even more certainty that he would need a lot of time to get back to who he was before his disease.
It was clear that he was completely in his own head, and unaware of his surroundings. In his listless, daydreaming eyes, she could see an unspeakable depth of sadness that greatly concerned her.
Right now, Kakashi needed the space to process his trauma, and the support of those who cared about him, even though he would never admit to it.
"I told Gai everything that you need to do, since you're going home so early," the hokage told him quietly with a defeated sigh at his continued lack of attention, "You guys can leave now, if you'd like. I really do wish you the best, Kakashi..."
"...I'm glad you're still with us today," she continued softly, her eyes glistening tenderly, "And I know you're facing a long and difficult rehabilitation, but don't lose hope, okay?"
He glanced at her momentarily with a cynical, and almost disdainful look, before turning his attention elsewhere, as if he had no interest in what she was saying.
Please stop talking to me. I'm not responding for a reason…Get the hint.
With a small sniff, Tsunade turned towards Gai and handed him a white, paper bag that contained some medications—nothing too intense: just pain relievers to use as needed, because Kakashi still wasn't completely healed from his surgery, and iron supplements, since he'd grown a bit anemic from his irregular eating habits.
"Thank you so much, Lady Tsunade! I'll make sure that Kakashi has a great recovery!" Gai said enthusiastically with a wide smile, bowing in front of her respectfully, the pills in the bag clanking at the sudden movement.
Shizune turned and grabbed the handles of the wheelchair that was parked behind her, slowly pushing it towards Kakashi's side. He still wasn't really able to walk on his own, so to avoid the risk of a fall, they'd mutually agreed that it was in his best interests to use a wheelchair, at least for the journey back home.
Lady Tsunade had told Kakashi that she expected him to walk daily for at least 10-15 minutes, in order to strengthen his atrophied leg muscles. She'd also reassured him that, eventually, with time and practice, it would become much easier for him to move around.
"Kakashi, it's time to go," Gai said gently, placing a hand on the man's rigid shoulder, and frowning when he visibly flinched in response to the touch.
Gai quickly withdrew his fingers with a hidden look of hurt in his eyes, moving to adjust the position of the wheelchair so that it was directly in front of his rival.
Kakashi stared at the contraption with a dark look, absolutely hating the fact that he was reduced to needing it. His eyes watered uncharacteristically, and he blinked away the wetness discreetly before anyone could notice, quickly focusing his pained gaze on the ground. Within a few seconds, though, his unblinking look went back to being stony and unfeeling.
He desperately wished, beyond reason, that he could just go back in time and not go through with the surgery. But alas, he knew that wasn't possible—such a jutsu did not exist.
With his dark, gray orbs fixed on the floor, Kakashi pushed his hands into the sides of the mattress, slowly lifting himself up and standing on his own. His eyebrows drew together uneasily as he felt his quaking knees giving away, a familiar tingling sensation becoming apparent throughout his strained legs.
Gai immediately wrapped an arm around his thin waist, his free hand grasping his wrist as he carefully helped him turn around, and lowered him into the chair. Kakashi practically fell into it, landing heavily onto the cushioned seat with a quiet exhale.
"Okay…all set…" Gai said as he knelt down and lifted the foot rests, cautiously grabbing the Hatake's ankles and placing his slippered feet onto them.
I can move my own feet, you know.
Unaware of Kakashi's slight vexation towards him, Gai got up from his hunched position on the ground and hoisted the black duffel bag over one of his shoulders, beginning to push the wheelchair towards the door. After graciously bidding goodbye to Shizune and Tsunade, and thanking them for their tireless work, he exited the room entirely.
Before long, they'd made it down the elevator, and outside the double doors of the hospital, now exposed to the vast public that was walking along the dirt roads of Konoha.
Kakashi sighed languorously as Gai steadily wheeled him towards his apartment, the wind blowing back his overgrown, silver hair in a way that revealed his forehead, and his straight, expressionless eyebrows.
The breeze in the autumn air was refreshing and chilly, but still, not unbearably cold.
He tilted his masked chin up towards the cerulean sky, gazing at the shifting cumulus clouds above him with an indecipherable expression on his face. It had been so long since he'd seen the real world, and it definitely seemed much more stimulating than it had looked from his hospital room window.
Everything was exactly as he remembered it to be, but somehow, also felt unfamiliar, and completely new. The strong, conglomerating smells of the street vendors, and the overlapping chatter around him was starkly different from the antiseptic scent and quiet solitude that he'd grown so accustomed to at the hospital.
Observing the rest of his surroundings, he found that he was getting occasional, prolonged stares and whispers from other people who were walking in the opposite direction. Some of them were giving him furtive looks, their foreheads creasing slightly in sympathetic concern, while others were shamelessly double taking in shock.
They'd most likely heard that he was in a coma through chatty hospital employees, and thus, were surprised to see him back in Konoha, being pushed around in a wheelchair by Maito Gai.
His illness hadn't exactly been kept a secret, although he'd definitely wanted it to be—as one of the most legendary ninja in the hidden leaf, the fact that he'd gotten cancer had made him the center of gossip over the past year.
"How are you doing, my rival? It feels nice to finally be out of that room, doesn't it?!" Gai asked eagerly, breaking the prolonged, deafening silence, and urging Kakashi to speak, as it had been a while since the man had said anything.
"Yeah…It really does," he told his friend monotonously, after a small pause, genuinely grateful that Gai had helped him leave the hospital, but also not feeling very talkative at all.
Ever since he'd woken up from his coma, it seemed as if everything around him was foggy and dull, painted in black and white. It was exceedingly hard for him to be truly happy, or thankful about anything, and he'd been stuck with a listless, glum feeling in his chest.
Exhaling tiredly, Kakashi leaned back and glanced to his left, catching sight of the dango shop, and quickly noticing how Anko, Genma and Raidou were blatantly gawking, having paused their conversations upon seeing him pass by.
Their eyes were wide with something that looked like surprise combined with pity, and they were collectively scanning him up and down with their mouths agape. The group was wondering why he was in the wheelchair, and observing how he was frighteningly thinner than he'd been the last time they'd seen him.
They couldn't help but notice his frosty, lifeless pallor, and the deep bags lining his expressionless, glossed over eyes. While they had heard about his cancer diagnosis, they'd never expected him to look so distinctly ill—he looked like a completely different person.
His sullen gaze slowly drifted away from their judgemental faces, and trailed down to his lap, a flash of hurt in his broody eyes as he looked away from them. Kakashi was disconcerted by their stares, as they were just a reminder of how much everything had changed—he was no longer a remarkable shinobi, and wasn't worthy of his widespread praise and recognition.
Sensing the obvious, palpable shift in his friend's mood, Gai shot an intense glare at the group in the dango shop, which prompted them to quickly avert their eyes. He could tell that Kakashi's already sour mood had suddenly become even more bitter, all because of them.
"Don't worry about those guys, my rival…We'll get home soon," Gai told him reassuringly, pushing him faster, and staring intently at the top of his bowed head.
Kakashi just nodded silently, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his favorite orange novel. He opened it up to a random chapter, and buried his nose into the pages, immediately feeling relieved that he didn't have to directly look at anyone.
Gai's thick eyebrows scrunched together in worry at the Hatake's continued reservation. It almost felt like how he was acting in the years following the deaths of Obito and Rin—ignoring everyone, with a stubbornly detached attitude.
"I think I see Naruto at Ichiraku Ramen," Gai said, trying once again to initiate conversation. His gaze was focused ahead at the noodle shop as he watched the Uzumaki obliviously slurping down a bowl of ramen.
At this, Kakashi lowered his book slightly and looked up, a small glimmer of interest becoming evident in his previously unreadable, lethargic eyes.
He immediately became even more self conscious of the fact that he wasn't walking on his own, and felt a strong urge to get up. However, he knew better, as it would be much more embarrassing to showcase how pathetically unsteady his gait was.
He wasn't sure if he should try to talk to Naruto, or avoid him altogether—the latter option definitely seemed easier, though. If Kakashi was being honest, he didn't have the energy to interact with anyone; it was too troublesome.
Sighing uneasily, he raised his novel up so that it obscured his whole face from view, hoping that he would pass by unseen.
At the ramen shop, Naruto followed Ichiraku's worried gaze, and found himself looking at Gai-sensei pushing a wheelchair. Sitting on it was a man whose face was completely hidden behind a familiar, promiscuous, orange book, a crazy mop of bright, silver hair peeking out from atop.
"Kakashi-sensei! Is that you?!" Naruto cried out with a toothy grin, excitedly jumping off of his stool and quickly running across the street, his blue eyes glinting with recognition.
He hadn't seen his sensei since Shizune had performed CPR on him to try and bring back his heartbeat—given what he'd witnessed that day, Naruto definitely hadn't expected him to be out of the hospital so soon.
"Oiiii, Kakashi-sensei!"
Kakashi flinched behind his book at the grating noise, closing his eyes in anticipation. Now he would have to meet him. It wasn't that he hated talking to Naruto or anything, but mostly that he was ashamed to be seen in such a weakened state.
What excuse could he possibly offer this time?
"…Sensei?"
The voice seemed much closer now.
He slowly lowered his reading material with a heavy exhale, lazily making eye contact with Naruto, who was standing way too close in front of him. The kid was giving him a curious, gaping look, leaning forward with his hands on his hips, and probably wondering why he was being ignored.
Naruto's eyes trailed down to Kakashi's slumped form on the wheelchair, and he couldn't help but notice the way his baggy clothing was so obviously hanging off of his bony frame. As he glanced at his slender hands and thin wrists, he noticed that there was dark, purple bruising between his knuckles around the area where there had previously been tubes inserted into his skin.
"Er…Hi, Naruto…" Kakashi started awkwardly, forcibly closing his eyes into crescents and lifting up his hand to scratch the back of his neck, "It's nice to see you—"
Before he could finish his sentence, Naruto thrust himself forward and wrapped Kakashi in a tight hug, resting his chubby face on the man's hard, angular shoulder with a watery smile.
"Kakashi-sensei…I can't believe you're out of the hospital!" the Uzumaki exclaimed happily, discreetly wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, "I was so worried, ya know! We thought you were going to die!"
Kakashi's lone eye softened as he allowed his student to hug him, and he numbly patted Naruto's hunched back, his lips lifting into a small, but genuine smile behind his mask.
Gai watched the scene and grinned, sensing that his rival was somewhat happy, even if it was just a little bit, for a short amount of time. If anyone could get through to Kakashi's cold heart, it was his students.
The exuberant man's wide smile faded, however, as he took note of how the hand that was resting on Naruto's back slowly pulled away, falling to the cushion of the wheelchair. Kakashi's shoulders tensed up, rising in a way that was very noticeable to Gai from his position behind him.
The firm, continued pressure that Naruto was placing around his torso was suddenly aggravating the surgical wounds on his chest, pulling on the tender incisions. He squeezed his eyelids shut and winced, unable to stop himself from quietly grunting in pain.
Naruto pulled away quickly at the concerning noise, his eyes shining with guilt.
"Sensei? Did I hurt you? I'm sorry…I-I didn't mean to!" the blonde rambled anxiously, observing how Kakashi's trembling hand was inconspicuously holding his afflicted chest, in a way that was purposefully not too obvious. His gaze was focused on his feet, glazed over in discomfort.
Forcing himself to look up, Kakashi raised a hand to stop the genin from worrying, or feeling bad, swiftly waving away his concerns.
"Ah…don't worry, Naruto. I'm fine," he told him assuredly, any signs of pain quickly disappearing from his visage, "But we really should get back to my apartment…I need to use the bathroom…"
This, of course, was a downright lie—he just thought that the trip back home was becoming too long and tedious. At this point, he just wanted to take some painkillers and go to bed.
Understanding that his friend was growing tired, Gai nodded rapidly in agreement, allowing them to say goodbye, before readily continuing to push the wheelchair down the road.
For the rest of the trip, the he remained completely silent, unable to keep himself from dozing off as he inactively listened to Gai's incessant, futile attempts at conversation. At one point, his friend's voice grew echoey and distant, and his eyes drifted shut, as his body was no longer able to fight off his strong desire to go to sleep.
"Kakashi? Hey, Kakashi?" Gai called out lightly, parked in front of the apartment complex, attempting to wake up his rival.
The Hatake's cheek was resting heavily on his palm, and his eyes were closed, a peaceful, but fatigued expression on the visible portion of his face.
"We're here…" Gai tried again, placing a hand on the unconscious man's shoulder.
Kakashi jerked up with a grunt, a frazzled look on his face, his eyes wide and bloodshot as he quickly blinked the sleep out of them.
"We're here," Gai repeated intently, removing his hand from his shoulder, "You can sleep when we get inside."
He nodded slowly, yawning, and beginning to stand unsteadily, his fingers gripping the armrest for support. Wavering on his feet, he moved to lean against a conveniently placed telephone pole to his left and crossed his arms, watching Gai fold the wheelchair with a half-lidded, sleepy gaze.
With one arm around Gai's strong shoulders, he managed to trudge up three flights of stairs, all the while thinking to himself that the building should really be more handicap accessible. If there had been a ramp, or an elevator, life would've been so much easier for the both of them.
By the time they had made it to his front door, Kakashi was panting heavily, a sheen of sweat coating his forehead.
"Finally…we're here…" he grumbled under his breath, leaning heavily on his friend as they entered the small apartment. Upon looking around his home, he found that his countertops and bookshelves were coated with generous amounts of dust, and that the air smelled stale, as if no one had been living there for a long time.
"Sorry, my rival…" Gai said concernedly, eyeing the furrow in Kakashi's brow, and how exhausted he looked, "I know that must've been hard for you…"
While Maito Gai would have usually stressed the importance of the power of youth, and how one should never give up, no matter what, he could tell that his passionate ideology wouldn't be of much help to his friend at that moment. The man looked like he was ready to collapse, like he really couldn't go on for any longer.
At that point, he was basically holding up Kakashi's loose weight.
Once they were in his bedroom, Gai carefully helped him to his queen sized mattress, which he didn't hesitate to slump onto, his eyes tightly closed as he tried to even his labored respiration. His chest ached unmistakably from the trauma it had incurred from Shizune's CPR and Naruto's innocuous hug, and his legs were burning, feeling as if they were ready to fall off.
Kakashi normally would've felt intensely ashamed at his lack of endurance, but at that moment, he was just too worn out to care. He got under the covers with an audible groan, letting his palpating head relax into the soft pillows.
Noticing how one of his rival's hands was gingerly resting on his chest, as if that would help it hurt less, Gai rummaged through the white bag that Tsunade had given him, and pulled out an orange bottle labeled oxycodone.
After running to the kitchen, he returned shortly with a glass of water, and handed Kakashi one of the circular, blue pills, eyeing it warily, as it was an addictive opioid.
The said man opened his eyes numbly and glanced at Gai's outstretched hand, gladly taking the painkiller, and gulping it down with some water, turning away so that his face wouldn't show.
Pulling his mask back up, he placed the glass on the nightstand and exhaled deeply, mumbling a quiet thanks, before shifting to his side and shutting his burning eyes.
As he drifted to sleep, Kakashi couldn't help but feel an immense amount of relief at the fact that he was finally back in his own bed after so long—before falling into a coma, he'd seriously started to believe that he would never return home.
Though he wasn't prepared to feel grateful for his life just yet, a part of him couldn't help but entertain the idea that his suffering was coming to an end. Perhaps his cancer was really gone, and he was finally in the clear.
There was a dim flicker of hope in his weary heart as he allowed himself to ponder his future, and he thought that maybe, eventually, he would be able to return to his position as a jonin sensei to Team 7.
Being their sensei again would be nice…
Gai stood at the side of the bed and watched him doze off with an emotional look in his glistening eyes, feeling eternally thankful that he was alive. As he caught sight of the way the man's shoulders were gently rising and falling in response to his even inhales and exhales, he couldn't help but smile.
His heart swelled with pride as he observed how Kakashi was able to breathe on his own, without the support of a machine.
Sniffing, and wiping the slight wetness that had sprouted onto his cheek, he reached for the green, shuriken patterned blanket and drew it further over Kakashi's shoulders.
Although he knew it would be an arduous recovery, Gai made an unspoken promise to himself to always be by Kakashi's side, no matter how much he was pushed away. He never wanted him to have to deal with pain on his own again.
For the first time in a really long time, he allowed himself to believe that, maybe, one day, he would be able to have another fiery, passionate competition with his eternal rival.
With one last glance at Kakashi's sleeping form, Gai closed the blinds that were covering the window to block out the sunlight, and moved to exit the room. He made sure to make his footsteps as light as possible, and gently closed the door behind him, allowing his friend to get some much needed rest.
"Sleep well, Kakashi…"
-THE END-
Author's note: Hey guys. It's finally over lmaooo. Looking back, I definitely made this story way too long, and at times, wrongly portrayed Kakashi's behavior. I definitely could've ended it earlier, but I wanted to be thorough, and also, writing this story got me through a lot of difficult times over the years. It was such a nice hobby. I know all of his illnesses seemed kinda random, but I assure you, I did do my research, and there is a reason for every one of his symptoms throughout the story. Anyways, I'm very grateful to have been able to write this, and thank you for reading. I may write an epilogue, but at this point I think everyone is bored LOL. Anyways, Kakashi is alive! Bye!