Chapter 120

When dinner is over with and the kitchen staff is cleaning up the remnants of their own supper in the common-room, Simon finally has a little time for a breather and a cup of coffee. It has been a very busy night, and besides the thing with Mrs Grenfell, Simon has his own worries. What if Anne accepts Frederick's proposal? Then they'll have to tell Nick about the two of them, exposing themselves to someone they both like, but hardly know. Nick is very kind, but he is also very much a ladies' man, by now a lady's man, Simon cannot imagine he will accept two men loving each other easily, if at all. Which means that it would be very foolish to let Frederick tell him. Better he does the hard part himself, rumours about him are flying anyway, and Nick will most likely not expose him.

Will things change very much when Frederick and Anne get married? Of course there is the wedding, at which Simon will not even be welcome. That does sting. And Frederick will be expected to move to his own house after his marriage, where will that leave Simon? After a long day of work he really has to remind himself that Frederick does not want to be away from him, does not want to be with anyone else but Simon himself. Frederick will make everything right, he always does, even Mrs Grenfell seems happy with the match he made for her, despite all the opposition from Mr Darcy.

And when Nick joins Simon at his table with a cup of coffee of his own, Simon remembers Nick will most likely be there with him, behind the scenes or somewhere else entirely, waiting for their loved ones to get married. Suddenly he needs to know, will Nick be there? Or will he be back with Mr Blackwood, improving himself towards a partnership in Mr Blackwood's firm while coming to terms with his lost love for Miss de Bourgh, possibly trying to forget his grief with a dalliance here and there.

'It's nearly time to leave, Simon, Colonel Compton always orders the carriage early. May I please come again next week? Stay over and chase the girls?'

'Of course you may, Nick. It's my pleasure, and since we're not really going to chase any girls, Mr Darcy will not object.'

'I do feel bad about that, Simon, I'm using you to please myself and Anne. There is nothing in it for you, I suppose you'd like to really go out sometimes.'

A better moment will never come. Simon checks the room and finds it empty. Still, why take the risk?

'Will you join me in my office for half an hour, Nick? There is something I need to tell you about chasing girls.'

Of course Nick does, and when they are seated, door closed, Simon gathers his courage and says, 'You don't need to feel guilty about not chasing girls with me, Nick. I cultivate the image of being a Casanova, but in fact I don't fancy going after girls at all.'

'Why not, Simon? Are you engaged? In secret? I thought Mr Darcy was easygoing with his servants dating?'

'He is, but that is not the point. I do not fancy girls, Nick. I've tried to fall in love with women, I've even dated some, but it just doesn't work. For some unfathomable reason I can only fall in love with men. And I only date men who have the same affliction, in case you are wondering.'

Nick is stunned, but not into silence, for he says mechanically, 'I'm not, Simon, I think I would have known if you were in love with me. Instead you've caught me by surprise. That one rumour was true, and the rest of them weren't?'

'I did flirt with scores of maids, but none of it was serious. Do you mind?'

He does not look disgusted, or ready to hit Simon and leave, but he does not understand either.

'How can you not love women, Simon? They're so nice and soft and sweet, and they smell so good. Men are rough and coarse, and they have hair everywhere. How can you want to touch a man when you can have any woman you like? You're so handsome, all the girls love you!'

Simon cannot help laughing at Nick's stunned question, though it has plagued him for years until he finally accepted who he was.

'I'd say plenty of women want to touch a man, even men who smell bad and dress worse seem to find a woman. So why shouldn't I love one of them? A well-dressed, nice-smelling one?'

'I guess you are right. Why would a woman want an ugly hairy fellow? It's as if they just can't help themselves. I've often wondered why I'm popular with the ladies, I'm not handsome, I'm not athletic or rich. But they cannot seem to help themselves, they must have me. So it's the same with you?'

This is a much more rational reaction than Simon had expected, and he calmly explains, 'Spot on. I've always been popular with women, they chased me and I liked being chased. But whenever I tried to go beyond stroking and kissing it got difficult. Still I did most of what you'd do with a woman, I could have gotten married and sired some children, but I would have been desperately unhappy, and my wife would have been, too. Then when I finally found out what was wrong with me, when I fell in love with a man and my love was answered, my world collapsed. I could not accept it and denied my love, spurned him, went back to letting myself be chased and caught, tried to cure myself by making love with soft and sweet women. It took me years to accept who I was, and then I fell in love with an unreachable man, I suppose to not have to act on my preferences. You are so right: I cannot help myself, I need to be with a man to feel love. I love stroking hard muscle, I love a man's strong character, his strong body, even his roughness and his strong smell, I just cannot help it.'

Nick is silent, and Simon awaits his verdict. His nerves are less rattled than that time when he found out that Mr Darcy knew, and he knows Nick will not betray him. But he likes Nick, he hopes they will be very good friends, and it all hinges on this moment, even Anne's happiness does, partly. Finally, Nick looks at him and speaks.

'It must be very difficult, Simon, I suppose you're often very unhappy. I still cannot believe such a handsome man able to ignore all the women vying for his attention, but I have wondered why you weren't with someone. Anne knows, doesn't she? She told me you were no competition for me.'

This is approaching a very dangerous point, Nick is smart and worldly-wise, one more leap of his thoughts and he arrives at Frederick not being able to marry the person he loves. Fortunately their little talk is disturbed by the bell. It's most likely the colonel who wants to leave. Simon replies, and with his heart in his throat asks the most pertinent question.

'She does, yes, as does the master. He has known for years, protected me from the world. Do you still want to come over next week?'

Nick gets up and says decidedly, 'Yes, Simon, and not just for Anne. I like you, and hearing this I like your master a lot better, too. While he still frightens me, I know everybody else admires him. I suppose you must want to see the continent very badly to leave him for Mr Manners. Simon, the colonel is not as easygoing as Mr Blackwood, I suppose that comes with being a colonel, so I have to run. I'll be over on Tuesday, is that all right?'

Though Simon cannot imagine Colonel Fitzwilliam being anything else than friendly and good-natured, Nick seems to have a certain awe of powerful, self-assured men. Interesting, when his own master is so very indulgent towards him. But at least he is not onto Frederick at all, let him digest Simon's preferences first.

'Tuesday is fine, Nick. Shall I ask Mr Manners to fetch you?'

'I guess Mr Blackwood will let me use the carriage after I've brought Miss Angelina back home. If you really don't mind asking him I'd appreciate a ride back on Wednesday. You're so comfortable with men like him and Mr Darcy, Simon, I can't imagine daring to talk to either of them.'

'You talk to Mr Manners easily enough, you even confronted him once. They're just men, Nick, like all others, except they have been in charge from their earliest youth. Wednesday is Miss Darcy's wedding, but I think Mr Manners will manage to drive by the Blackwood house. Better run, I'll see you soon!'

And Nick is off, leaving Simon behind in confusion. Maybe he should have let Frederick handle this, but somehow he doesn't think so.

And Nick isn't any less confused, he did talk back to Mr Manners that one time, but only because he felt Anne was being wronged. He'd never dare confront a lady like Simon did today, even if Simon did say his master didn't like her at all. And how he just took Nick along to serve the family coffee, it was brazen, hiding in plain sight. But of course Simon has Mr Manners supporting him, that would give anyone courage. If Anne insists on marrying Mr Manners, the latter has promised he will hire Nick, and then Nick will also feel supported by a truly influential gentleman. Of course Nick would prefer to marry Anne himself and live of what money she has and what he can make for both of them, but he can understand Anne might become very unhappy living in a totally different world from what she is used to. Nick would still be working in a rich household all day, and poor Anne would be stuck in a tiny house by herself. Everything Nick always said he didn't want to do to a wife and children. Maybe it will be better if they both live in a rich household, and he only has to work just enough to keep up appearances.

And Simon? He will live there, too, until they all go to the continent. It'll be great fun to be with Simon all the time, even if he has this strange thing with loving men. He has never been inappropriate to Nick, nor to anyone else in Nick's presence. Such a shame he'll never be really happy, always hiding something from people, always sneaking around to find love. Though that's exactly what Nick has been doing for years and he has never been unhappy. Except now, Nick would love to just marry Anne and settle with her and raise a few children, but they will never be able to. Like Simon. Like Mr Manners, who loves someone he can never marry. How will she fit in this little group? Won't Mr Manners' lover hate Anne for having what she cannot have?

By now, Nick has fetched his coat and reached the hall, where Miss Sophie and Colonel Compton are just taking leave of Miss Darcy and Mrs Darcy. Anne is also present, of course she is very fond of her cousin, and of Sophie, but Nick hopes she also wants to take leave of him.

'Ah, Fowler, just in time,' Colonel Compton observes in a friendly voice. He isn't that strict at all, he may be an important man in the army, in private he is actually very gentle and open, which is why Nick has such high hopes of him for Sophie.

'Mr Fowler, just the man we need,' Nick hears Mrs Darcy say. Mrs Darcy? What could she want from him?

'Can you spare us a few moments, Colonel Fitzwilliam?' she asks her husband's cousin, and Nick can clearly see the colonel still has a weak spot for her, 'Anne and I have a request to make of Mr Fowler.'

'Of course, Mrs Darcy, we can wait as long as you like.'

She smiles a ravishing smile at the colonel, hopefully Miss Sophie cannot see his reaction while taking leave of Miss Darcy. Then she approaches Nick, again surprising him how young she is, and asks, 'Mr Fowler, Miss de Bourgh and I are planning a short trip to Kent, to a friend of mine who lives adjacent to Rosings. Since you have proven to be a very determined protector, we would like to ask you to accompany us, and we were wondering whether your master would be prepared to let you go for a few days. We plan to leave this Friday and return on Saturday. There may be some need for sneaking around, for Miss de Bourgh wishes to retrieve some items from her mother's estate, and since she refuses to see her mother she hopes you may be found willing to assist Dora in what will most likely turn out to be a matter of bluffing your way into her rooms and back out again. Of course we will settle the particulars later, and ask permission of Mr Blackwood ourselves, we just want to ask first whether you are interested to act as a guard.'

Travel with Anne? See Rosings? Confront Lady Catherine? For Anne, Nick would do anything. He bows and says politely, 'I'd love to be of assistance to both of you, Mrs Darcy. If Miss de Bourgh asks, Mr Blackwood will certainly give his permission, he could never refuse her anything. Nor would he refuse Mrs Darcy anything, for that matter. He greatly admires you. If you visit, he'll swoon.'

Somehow Mrs Darcy seems to invite informality and humour, she looks very playful and almost naughty. She is certainly very honest about their quest at Rosings. And indeed she smiles at him as ravishingly as she did at the colonel, and despite being head over heels with Anne Nick does feel the impact of that smile.

'I wouldn't miss that for the world. Mr Fowler, will you please let Mr Blackwood know we hope to pay him a morning visit tomorrow? Just Miss de Bourgh and I, unless you think he really wants to meet Mr Darcy?'

Pretending to check out the hall for eavesdroppers before sharing a confidence, Nick states, 'Mr Blackwood will love to see just the two of you. He is very fond of being around pretty young ladies, and somehow your husband's presence would disconcert him, I think. I suppose I'll be there to keep an eye on him, but he's generally harmless.'

Mrs Darcy loves it, so that's how Simon gets away with blue murder in this household!

'I can imagine, Mr Fowler, Fitzwilliam does have a certain presence. By ourselves it is, then, I don't particularly mind being looked at, I've practised since the start of the new year, and Miss de Bourgh knows Mr Blackwood well. Thank you very much, I'm certain Miss de Bourgh will look forward to our little trip very much, knowing you will be there to keep her safe.'

It's almost as if she knows and wants to see them together. But there is nothing Nick can do about that, he will look forward to this little trip, too, even if it means sitting on the box in the cold with Mr Darcy's driver for half a day.

'Thank you very much, Mrs Darcy,' he replies, then bows. Anne comes up beside Mrs Darcy and Nick's heart skips a beat. She is so beautiful and sweet, and tomorrow he will see her again for a few blessed moments when she visits with Mrs Darcy. A warm hand takes his and squeezes it gently, it's not as good as a kiss but it will have to do.

'Will we see you tomorrow when we visit, Nick?'

'I think so, Miss de Bourgh,' Nick replies, 'I can't wait to see Rosings and your mother, Miss.'

She obviously can, which is why she wants him along.

'I hope you won't have to see her, though you will undoubtedly see Rosings, it's rather large. Will you bring your weapon? I don't want to risk you getting hurt.'

'You know I'd do anything for you, Anne,' he dares say, since everyone is already moving towards the door. Bowing before her, he kisses her hand, and when he is moving up, she intercepts him with a tiny kiss on his forehead.

'That is what I'm afraid of,' she replies, softly. 'See you tomorrow, dear Nick.'

Whatever could an old lady do to harm an adult man? Anne must love him very much to be so concerned for his health.

'Sleep well, my love,' he whispers just before he has to leave her to follow the colonel and Miss Sophie to the carriage. The colonel hands his fiancée in, and Nick joins them inside, a bit embarrassing, but he is her chaperone after all. Somehow he is in a fey mood, maybe Simon is right, maybe Colonel Compton is just a man, born and bred to authority but not a higher form of life.

'You're engaged, Colonel Compton, you may hold hands with your little lady,' he says, expecting to receive a severe reprimand. But the colonel merely smiles shyly at his beloved Miss Sophie, who throws Nick one look of infatuation, hopefully the last one ever, then directs that very same gaze at her fiancée. He takes her hand and kisses it tenderly, then looks up at her to judge his reception. Miss Sophie has regularly kissed one or other of the guards on one of those dances, but no-one would suspect now. She accepts the colonel's sign of affection with a modest blush, and her avid lover now kisses her full on the lips, Nick's embarrassment at witnessing their intimacy his own fault. Miss Sophie does not show her experience, she lets the colonel lead and merely relishes his ardent kiss. After another such kiss, Nick's attention is drawn from a very interesting scene outside in the pitch-dark by the colonel's kind voice.

'Thank you for reminding me, Fowler. Was that too much?'

Is he actually pulling Nick's leg? Does he know Nick's reputation? Nick decides to give as good as he gets.

'For Mr Blackwood's drawing-room, yes. For the privacy of a carriage? No, I'd say it was just right, Colonel Compton.'

The colonel beams, then admits to Miss Sophie, 'I have a certain experience, my love, I did start out as an officer in the field where temptations were never far away. Spirits, gambling, but also women. Only someone with an iron will, like Darcy, or an all-consuming obsession, like Mr Fielding, could have withstood.'

Dear Miss Sophie strokes his cheek with a little too much certainty for a sheltered maiden and says lovingly, 'I don't mind, Colonel. You know Nick practically raised us, and he never made a secret of his dalliances.'

Actually, Nick thought he did, but apparently everyone knew anyway. Miss Sophie laughs heartily.

'Come on, Nick, how could anyone not have seen all those nervous ladies following you upstairs? They keep coming, Colonel, even though he no longer wants them. Don't look so put out, Nick, no-one blamed you, except Wellesley. Cook and papa practically worship Nick, because he can get any woman he wants. Until he fell in love with what must be the only one he cannot have. She's as good as engaged, you see.'

No, Sophie, no! Please let her not mention Anne before her cousin, please not. But it's the cousin who actually saves Nick from disgrace, with a pained look he addresses a mere servant in a very personal manner.

'That is very tough, Fowler, I know because I've been there. I'm very sorry for you. But let me assure you, it will pass, you will find someone else. Isn't that right, my little Sophie?'

Sophie may have more sense than Nick credited her with, for she replies, 'I'm glad you finally noticed me, Colonel, and I'm sure Nick will fare just as well, eventually. He will be back to his ladies soon enough, though probably not in papa's house: with Angelina also engaged he will lose his job, poor Nick.'

The colonel nods his understanding and compassion.

'I'm sorry to hear that, Fowler, and two strokes of bad luck at the same time. Should you consider taking service I can help you get ahead, I like your attitude, respectful but astute. You'd make a great officer. And joining the army can sometimes be just the change of circumstances a man needs. Though Mrs Darcy seems to have taken an interest in you? Darcy has a lot of connections, he can help you get ahead as well, and his friend Mr Manners knows virtually everyone in London.'

'Thank you for your trust, Colonel,' Nick manages to say. He, an officer? That is quite a compliment. 'Mrs Darcy asked me to keep Miss de Bourgh safe while we visit a friend of theirs in Kent.'

Nick does not mention the sneaking in and retrieving personal items from Rosings. The colonel is Lady Catherine de Bourgh's nephew, after all.

'Anne is going to Kent? But not to her mother I presume?'

Though Nick knows exactly what Anne thinks of her mother, he pretends to be only half-informed.

'Mrs Darcy did not mention visiting Miss de Bourgh's mother, sir. And I remember a smelly fellow trying to abduct Miss de Bourgh right in front of me. I ran him off.'

'Despite having been severely injured several days earlier. I heard. It's why I think you'd make a good officer. Being able to fight is a talent, but being able to refrain from fighting is an even greater one. Talbot told me you had aptitude with a musket, but no experience. I suppose you've never fenced, either?'

'No, sir, I'm a city boy of humble birth. I didn't dare admit it to Lieutenant Talbot at that time, but I am pretty good at hand-to-hand fighting, dirty fighting. And I am very proud of my skills with a slapjack.'

'A slapjack, no less!' The colonel is surprised but not outraged.

'That is a difficult weapon to handle, and potentially lethal. Now I understand why Mrs Darcy wants you along to Kent to scare off further bullies my aunt may send. And why my father-in-law trusted you with his daughters in some very dubitable places. Well, my offer still stands, even more so, I can appoint my own officers up to a certain number and I'd take you as an ensign tomorrow. It's hard work and dangerous, but a marvellous opportunity to make a fortune and rub shoulders with the gentry. You think about it, maybe talk it over with Ensign Stockford when you accompany him and Miss Angelina next time.'

The carriage halts and they all get out, the colonel assisting his fiancée of course, he has his own room at the Blackwood mansion these days and he stays there as often as he can without neglecting his duties. Since it is rather late, they all go to their own room, Felicity assisting Miss Sophie, the two men all by themselves. But Nick cannot find sleep right away, his mind is still buzzing with everything that has happened, finally settling on the memory of making love with Anne. Since Nick never had an ideal of a little house of his own with a woman and children to come home to, he can easily replace that image with himself and Simon observing the staff of any number of great houses in England or abroad, with Anne and Mr Manners doing the same with the lords and ladies, then comparing notes in the evening, enjoying a glass of excellent wine together. And after that, each night a delight, spent in a soft bed with down covers, with Anne in his arms.

Time flies when there is so much to talk about, and before they know it their visitors are leaving and it is time to turn in. After seeing everyone out and talking to Nick Fowler about accompanying them to Kent, Elizabeth has just one thing left to do before turning in with her handsome beloved: give Georgiana a very late birthday present, something Elizabeth promised her a long time ago, before her sister even fell in love. Fitzwilliam wants to be there when they hand it to her, and rightly so, and so should Eric be. Anne is still awake, and Frederick hasn't retreated yet, but nonetheless it's time to give Georgiana the adventures of Pierre the painter. Two days before their wedding, just enough time to read up on what is supposed to happen after the ceremony.

'Georgiana?' Elizabeth asks her sister-in-law, who turns around to face her.

'Fitzwilliam and I have a little something for you. It's in the drawing-room, will you accompany us there for another few minutes before turning in?'

'Sure, Elizabeth, you're making me very curious, waiting until everyone has left. I suppose Eric and Frederick are still there, is that a problem?'

'None at all, and Anne can come along, too. It's merely your uncle and cousins who might not understand. But you are going to get married in three days, and I remember making a promise to you about helping you to improve your mind before that.'

Judging from Georgiana's smiling face she remembers the term, and the promise, but of course Anne has no idea. Maybe she shouldn't be there either, but somehow Elizabeth thinks Anne won't be shocked or outraged for despite being unmarried, she's almost Fitzwilliam's age. She must have heard about the things going on between a man and a woman, apparently Nick Fowler once explained to her what her mother had been doing with the worthless doctor who almost killed Anne with his bloodlettings. An embarrassed servant wouldn't have given her much detail, but it was not as if she was going to have to read the book, she was just going to see it change hands and hear Elizabeth's explanation of its contents.

Once in the drawing-room, Fitzwilliam picks up a package from the top of a cabinet and hands it to Elizabeth with a kiss and a smile. Frederick and Eric have come closer, and everyone left in the room is now watching Elizabeth with curiosity, wondering why she saved this present for the last. Well, there goes.

'Dear Georgiana, I remember making you a promise to give you a certain book just before you got married, so you could improve your mind on the subject of what follows the actual wedding. This is not that book, since then we have found a nicer one, with better information. Your brother and I have read this book together, and though we were shocked by its contents on a regular basis, we feel we want the two of you to have both the fun of the reading and the information it contains. Read it together with your beloved but beware, it can have some unwanted side-effects that you may want to avoid before you are well and truly married. Enjoy!'

And she kisses Georgiana and hands her Pierre's memoires, her sister obviously very pleased she remembered. After thanking her brother and sister for their gift, Georgiana kisses her fiancée good night and leaves the room, taking the book with her. Eric also takes his leave. But Anne and Frederick move almost as one to ask what that was all about, and Elizabeth explains as tactfully as she can what is written on those dry paper pages. Frederick laughs out loud, and Anne looks mostly interested, not shocked at all.

'You're the best brother and sister ever, Darcy and Elizabeth, to help Georgiana prepare for her first night as Mrs Fielding. And Eric as well, he will be very thankful to have a clue what is going on.'

Then cheekily, 'I think I'll borrow it once they have finished reading it. Who knows when it might come in handy.'

Frederick laughs again, he knows something, Anne is up to something. But Elizabeth is going to follow Georgiana's excellent example and let Anne live her own life. Whatever she is doing, it is none of their business, and none of Fitzwilliam's either. Which means it's time to go to bed themselves, having been reminded of all the outrageous things Pierre is doing in the book, Elizabeth wants to do some of them herself, and to do that she needs Fitzwilliam. Wishing the others a good night, she takes his arm and leads him from the drawing-room, leaving Anne and Frederick by themselves.

Frederick observes, 'At least they're treating you like an adult, Anne. Darcy didn't even hesitate leaving you alone with me.'

Anne must have heard a little disgruntlement in his voice for she answers with distinct humour, 'Of course they don't, Johnson is gone home, so why should they? There is no-one to talk.'

She is sharp, and Frederick loves to see the change in her.

'You know I love you, don't you, Anne? I love hanging out with you.'

'It's the same with me, Frederick, I feel so much at ease with you. And Simon. Even with Nick I have a feeling I need to justify myself, not for wanting to marry you, but for not wanting to marry him.'

'It would cost you the only life you know, Anne, I do think he realises that. He's just very afraid to lose you. I think we need to tell him about Simon and myself, I suppose that would convince him I'm not his competition.'

'I don't think you should tell him already, Frederick, it's too dangerous, you have too much to lose. Why don't we ask Simon, he spends hours with Nick, he may know him the best of all three of us.'

Frederick has to admit Anne is right, and not just that. Simon has a right to be involved in any decision Frederick makes.

'Simon has something to lose as surely as I have, Anne. You are right, he needs to have a say in things. He may feel as bad about you and me making a match as Nick does. We discussed it, of course, but people do change their minds.'

Anne agrees to seek out Simon immediately, and they move to the servants' quarters, Frederick now eager to see his beloved once again. But though he is in his room, waiting, he is not as Frederick expects him to be, sweet and eager, but rather in a particular mood. He's not exactly sad, nor exuberant, it's more like something in between, anxious and excited at the same time. It's very obvious he needs a warm embrace and a broad shoulder to support him, and the feel and smell of his handsome, slender lover as he falls into his arms makes Frederick's heart beat as fast as ever, despite Simon's predicament. Whatever it is, Frederick will make it go away.

For a few moments, Simon clings to his chest like a damsel in distress, not his usual calm self but trying hard to reach that blessed state. Anne won't begrudge them a few kisses, and as their intimate contact causes Frederick's heart to resume its normal course, so it relaxes Simon quickly, and he looks up at Frederick, then over his shoulder at Anne, and explains his state, his voice proving he is back to reason already.

'I told Nick about my preference for men, I thought it was time. I left you out, Frederick, I want to see how he reacts first. If he turns up coming Tuesday he has most likely accepted it. He wanted to come over and felt guilty about not really going out with me, so I told him I don't even want to. He took it reasonably well, didn't understand why a handsome man like me would not want to love women since they were so much softer and sweeter and better-smelling than men. I told him most likely the same reason why most women seem to love men. Did you know what he said then?'

Of course Frederick doesn't, but Anne makes a good guess.

'Because it's in their nature to love men?'

Simon smiles and says, 'Close, he said they most likely couldn't help themselves. Which explains exactly why I love you madly, Frederick: I just cannot help myself.'

Well, Frederick can't help himself either, he has to lift Simon off his feet and crush him to his chest, he is not exactly soft, but he is certainly sweet and he smells fabulous, even without expensive cologne. From the corner of his eye he can see Anne enjoying the spectacle, she is not shocked by two men exchanging intimacies, she is just perfect. And understanding, for she laughingly observes, 'I shall leave you two to enjoy your night and relish my memories of this afternoon. Tomorrow morning I'll see Nick again, and you say he's coming over Tuesday evening? I'll make sure to stay at home. I nearly forgot to tell you, Georgiana found me out, but she was not horrified. She says she'll support me. Well, good night!'

Though this casual message disturbs Frederick a little it was to be expected, they have managed to keep their own affair a secret from the other staff, but of course the family knows. And a grown woman like Anne knowing things like how to prevent pregnancies, and disappearing each time Nick Fowler is in the house. It was bound to happen. If only she agrees to marry Frederick and quickly, then he can protect her from her overzealous relatives.

Visiting the Blackwood family with Anne is great fun. While Fitzwilliam takes his father-in-law riding, and most likely to their favourite store afterwards to buy more hunting gear, Elizabeth is driven to the large mansion where Nick Fowler lives and works. They have agreed to take a magnificent detour, the thoroughbreds need a lot of exercise and Bob knows the best places just outside town to let them blow off steam while showing his mistress and Miss de Bourgh some of the most beautiful sights near a city of millions. They could make Hertfordshire in a few hours, it's really incredible how fast the team moves and how long they can keep up their speed. And besides the view there is plenty to talk about, Anne has been living in their house for almost four weeks now, but Elizabeth has been away for most of that time, and things are very busy with Georgiana getting married so soon.

But now they have half an hour to talk while watching the beautiful scenery flash by, and Anne seems very happy.

'I can't wait to see Kent again, though I have no wish at all to meet my mother. Is it really bad of me not to miss her in the slightest?'

'I suppose it is, Anne, but I have to admit I feel the same way about my own mother, and with less justification. I suppose we all care more for some relatives than for others. I feel I'm neglecting Jane scandalously, when we used to be so close. But I guess that is what life is like, we all move on.'

'That does make me feel a little better, to know I'm not the only one who is moving on. I feel like I'm finally alive, and I'm certain my mother would try to stop me. Which is why I am seriously considering marrying Frederick, to be safe from meddling relatives.'

'But not just that, I hope, Anne? That would be a really bad reason to get married, for Frederick is known to be quite a meddler himself. Though he treats you differently from most people, with more respect and a certain affection. But you do realise he will never be able to give you physical love, don't you?'

It's a bit frank, but Anne doesn't mind that, judging from her reaction.

'Thank you for the warning, Elizabeth, but I do know he cannot be cured, if what he has is such a bad thing in the first place. Personally, I think they are kind of cute together, I like Simon as much as I like Frederick, and I would love to have both of them part of my life. I'm not afraid of Frederick's meddling, I think I can handle him. And I know where to find love, I just need to decide whether I can do away with my little girl's ideals of marriage. You know, everlasting love, perfect harmony, everything you and Georgiana have. I could wait for it to come, but what if it never does? And what if it seems to but my gentleman turns out to be a Will Collins, or a Richard Darcy?'

Elizabeth can so understand Anne's position, Frederick would be a perfect husband except for that one little thing. Would it be so bad to, all right, she can hardly even think it, would it be so bad for Anne to make love with a man she is not married to? A gardener? A travelling painter? That last thought makes her smile, and Anne looks surprised.

'I'm sorry, Anne, I do take you very seriously. It's just that I happened to think of Pierre, the main character of the book we gave Georgiana. He is a painter and travels from household to household, sleeping with all the ladies. Fitzwilliam and I read that book from cover to cover and were often scandalized, but we loved it, too. I'm afraid I'm still stuck in my little girl's dream, as you put it. But would it be so bad to do what Frederick and Simon have been doing all their lives, and what Pierre did? Take love where it is offered? I don't know, I can't give you a reasonable answer. I would be a hypocrite if I'd blame you for doing it but not Frederick. Frankly, it would be none of my business.'

'I'm amazed you read that book, and then gave it to your sister. Darcy must have changed a lot, he used to be so...'

'Priggish. That is what he calls it himself. But I don't believe that for one moment, I think he acted how he thought he should and was a different man inside. If he protests your marrying Frederick it's because he is afraid you'll be unhappy. But it is none of his business either, and if he tries to make it so, he will find both myself and Georgiana in his way. You have to make your own decisions, and if you need a listener or an advocate you can come to us. And I'm certain life with Frederick will never be boring, which may be just the thing you need after your last ten years. He will be the perfect husband in public, and he knows how to avoid exposure. I know what he does is a terrible sin, but he didn't choose to be who he is, nor did Simon.'

By now they have arrived, and the Blackwood butler is holding the door while his master, a portly, good-natured looking man in his early fifties, offers to hand the ladies out.

'Miss de Bourgh,' he exclaims, 'it's so good to see you again!'

Anne smiles at him and introduces Elizabeth so he can assist her, too.

'Thank you, Mr Blackwood, you look very smart in pantaloons. May I introduce you to Mrs Darcy, whom you may have read about in the papers? Elizabeth, Mr Blackwood has been very kind to me, I'm certain you'll like him as much as I do.'

Of course Mr Blackwood kisses Elizabeth's hand in greeting before he hands her out, and she must admit that while he is not a handsome man, he is indeed a charmer.

'Mrs Darcy, I am so honoured to meet you. My wife always reads about you in the newspaper, and these last few weeks she has missed your appearances. She's looking forward very much to Miss Darcy's wedding, all her friends say Miss Darcy or Miss de Bourgh here will steal all the attention away from you, but she is convinced your French modiste will have outdone herself for the occasion to once again get all the honours.'

'I look forward to meeting your lady, Mr Blackwood, though I'm afraid her friends may yet turn out to be right. And I assure you that will not anger or disappoint me, there is no competition between Miss Darcy, Miss de Bourgh and me.'

Elizabeth wonders why no-one has ever noticed Jane during these public events. She is ever so much more beautiful than either of the others. Maybe it's because she hasn't adapted her style of dress to London yet. Maybe they should pay Miss Filliger a visit this afternoon, during their shopping trip for Charlotte, see whether they can get Jane in the papers before she starts to show her pregnancy.

After their introduction to Mrs Blackwood in the drawing-room, servants bring coffee and some lovely slices of pie, and Nick Fowler doesn't serve the coffee but sits and eats pie with them, Mr Blackwood watching him with pride as if the plain fellow is his very own son.

'My daughters are out, Mrs Darcy, visiting friends. I say let them enjoy their freedom for a few more months, soon enough they will both be married. Usually I'd have Nick accompany them, but your cousin Colonel Compton offered to go along so Nick could stay and discuss this trip you are planning. Is it very dangerous? We've nearly lost him once before, you know.'

Elizabeth knows, but she also knows Nick Fowler is looking for a new job because he expects to be dismissed as soon as his mistresses are married. Right now it doesn't seem Mr Blackwood is even planning to let him leave, he loves him too much. Anne soothes her friends' father expertly, of course she knows him well.

'Mr Darcy would never let his wife go somewhere dangerous, Mr Blackwood. It's more that we are planning to go without taking any gentlemen along, and we will both feel safer if we have a sturdy guard with us. Especially since we will be staying in a house a stone's throw from my mother's house, and you know she did try to have me taken that one time. And if Nick can wear his livery, my mother does think I'm engaged to Mr Manners, she will think he is the servant of an influential man and will not dare harm him. Nick will be perfectly safe, sir.'

'But why doesn't Mr Darcy accompany you?'

Nick doesn't like to hear his master making difficulties over his safety, he is his own man and he wants to come along, very much so. Elizabeth tries to explain without making a fuss.

'We will be staying with my cousin, who lives in a very humble parsonage near Rosings. My best friend is married to him and has recently had her first child. Miss de Bourgh and I want to visit her and her baby, but Mr Darcy dislikes my cousin. He would want to stay at an inn, when Miss de Bourgh and I prefer to stay at my cousin's house. Which is why we plan to leave Mr Darcy at home with his sister.'

'I understand, my wife has some relatives whom I'd like to avoid. Well, I suppose it's quite an honour for Nick to be asked to accompany you, and I like to see him move up in the world. We will miss him but we cannot hinder him, not with the girls about to marry.'

Fowler now shows himself aware of his special treatment and bows and observes to his master, 'Thank you very much, Mr Blackwood, I will be back before you know it. And you know I can talk myself out of virtually anything, please don't worry on my account.'

The pie is incredibly good, even Anne is eating it with relish though she generally seems to dislike sweet things. Mrs Blackwood hasn't said anything, she appears a bit distracted. She is not eating pie but is nursing a cup of tea as if it's a baby, and her cheeks have too much colour. Is she consumptive? She looks healthy enough otherwise, and Elizabeth cannot remember her hand feeling hot to the touch. Oh well, this has nothing to do with the family anyway, just a polite morning visit to guarantee Anne's safety in Kent.

When they take leave, Nick takes Anne's hand as if he is indeed the Blackwood heir, but she lets him easily enough. Mrs Blackwood finally says something, 'Mrs Darcy, I'm very honoured to have met you in person. I'll be looking forward to reading the news about Miss Darcy's wedding, I'm certain you will be mentioned. Thank you for coming.'

Elizabeth shakes her hand instead of curtsying, and a vague smell of spirits reaches her senses. She did not smell like that when they were introduced, she must have smuggled it in her teacup. Poor Mrs Blackwood, and poor Mr Blackwood.

'My pleasure, Mrs Blackwood, and I will try my best to be mentioned, if at all possible without making a total spectacle of myself. Let me tell you a little secret: if the reporter mentions my priceless jewellery, you'll know the stones are actually made of glass. I bought them in Newcastle, it's their local trade. Good day, and thank you for letting us have Mr Fowler for a few days.'

Mrs Blackwood looks suitably impressed by Elizabeth's confidence, and Mr Blackwood merely gives her a mournful look.

'I'm very glad my girls have found worthy husbands, Mrs Darcy, thanks to Miss de Bourgh.'

Fowler shows that, like Simon, he does know his place, waiting for Elizabeth to initiate their leavetaking. But Elizabeth has also learned things from Simon, and Fowler is one of those utterly loyal servants who are worth their weight in gold to those who like their privacy. Maybe they should hire him to replace Simon. But frankly, Elizabeth doesn't want to think of losing Simon, not until he and Frederick have set a date when they will finally sail. So in fact she is not that much different from Mr Blackwood. She offers Fowler her hand and takes his in a firm grip, like in the army camp.

'See you coming Friday, Mr Fowler, unless you come to visit Simon before that.'

'Thank you, ma'am.' He is impressed by her informality, good, Elizabeth does not want to be like Miss Bingley, now Mrs Grenfell. And Mr Blackwood is watching.

'I am planning to visit, though I assure you you won't notice my presence at all.'

He must be serious in trying to learn Simon's work. Good, it will save a world of trouble if Simon can recommend a successor when he leaves with Frederick.

Back in the carriage, Anne observes, 'Did you smell it? Poor Mr Blackwood, soon he will be left with her as his only company. He'll probably move to his office. I sometimes wonder whether they were head over heels at one time.'

Poor Anne. She is really in doubt about her future and there is nothing anyone of them can do but support her and hope she makes the right decision.

'I thought Fitzwilliam was unique in setting such high store by Simon, but Mr Blackwood surely adores Mr Fowler as much. I suppose a man really wants a son, though Simon used to be more like Fitzwilliam's younger brother.'

'I remember, Elizabeth. One time at Rosings maman complained to Darcy about his valet having no respect for his betters. He merely shrugged and said, 'What can I do, Aunt Catherine, there is but one man with such taste in coats and such proficiency in doing my hair just right. I'm afraid we'll have to indulge him, there are plenty of gentlemen who'd hire him away from me in a second.' Maman was livid. You seem to have tamed Simon, though, he shows you plenty of respect.'

'He does, but he does it out of love for Fitzwilliam. If people knew how much my fashionable look depends on him he'd be famous instantly. Of course he doesn't want to be noticed. Though he'd be bored living at Pemberley all the time, or on Frederick's estate. They both seem to need excitement to thrive.'

'As do I. No sitting at home for me until I'm old.'

'I guess I understand why you like them so much, Anne. Maybe love isn't everything...'