Chapter 27

Tess was out by Skinny Jim's checking on some cattle there. Matt and Jodi had reported a steer that looked like it might be limping slightly and Tess wanted to get a good look herself. Finding one specific steer in a herd of around three hundred wasn't the easiest thing to do. She had to start moving the herd to see if any cows looked like they were having trouble keeping up with the crowd. As Tess directed them about, she was joined by Claire.

"Hi Mom. I was hoping I'd find you here." said Claire as she joined her mother.

"Good Morning, Sleeping Beauty. You missed my blueberry crepes. Did you eat something before you headed out here?" questioned Tess.

"Yeah, I had a protein bar. But I didn't come out here to talk to you about breakfast," said Claire.

"Okay, what did you come here to talk about?" asked Tess.

"Last night at the pub."

"I'd rather not remember last night. What got into you?" asked Tess

"Well Mom, I...I…well, I had a plan, but it didn't work." explained Claire.

"You had a plan for the pub?"

"Mom, I'm sorry. I stuffed up big time."

"What was this plan that didn't work?" asked Tess.

"I wanted you to spend time with Mr. O'Hara. I wanted him to be your boyfriend, but instead I ruined it," confessed Claire.

"Claire, I told you I wasn't interested in dating. Why would you do that?" Tess asked in response.

"Because you say you're not lonely, but I think you are. I watch you look at Aunt Jodi and Uncle Matt when they're together and I think you want what they have. You have this longing in your eyes that I don't think you even know about, but I see it," explained Claire.

"Oh Honey, what Aunt Jodi and Uncle Matt share is wonderful. I'm so happy Jodi found such a wonderful partner in Matt, but I'm not envious of them. I'm just glad they're my family."

"I didn't mean you were envious. I just meant that I think, deep, down, inside yourself, you want that too. I think I want that someday too. I think everyone wants to find true love. I think you want to find true love. Soulmate love." explained Claire.

"You think Mr. O'Hara is my soulmate?" asked Tess.

"I don't know about your soulmate yet, but I'm certain he is interested in you as more than a business associate." declared Claire.

"What on earth makes you say that? I barely know him, although, after last night, he knows much more about me and my family than I would like," said Tess.

"Sorry Mom. I stuffed it big time. When I met Mr. O'Hara at lunch the other day, I noticed that he kept looking at you, even when other people were talking, and he kept getting this goofy look on his face whenever he did. Then, whenever you smiled, he smiled too. When we were at the pub last night, I saw him standing across the room, staring at you, making the same goofy look. That's why I insisted he sit down. I was going to try to get the two of you in a situation where you could get to know him better. I thought if you spent some time with him, you might start to look at him like he looks at you. I thought maybe he could make you happy, but my plan didn't work." admitted Claire.

"So you're convinced that Mr. O'Hara has a crush on me? But why did you share our entire complicated history with him? If I were going to date him, I wouldn't share all my secrets at once. I certainly wouldn't have talked about my ex-husband's new wife massaging his injured leg every night. When you date someone new, it's sort of a give and take with trust and secrets. A little bit at a time. Not all at once," said Tess.

"I know, Mom. I told you I stuffed it. You see, I think that, when Xander met Mr. O'Hara, he thought he was really cool and wanted to set him up with Stevie. He kept getting in the way of the suggestions I was making, making his own, but for Aunt Stevie. I got distracted from my original plan and was trying to focus on shutting down Xander and I seemed to have opened my mouth way more than I should have. I realize I embarrassed you, and Mr. O'Hara, and Stevie, for that matter. If it's any consolation, I'm utterly embarrassed about the whole thing to my core. I'm so, so sorry. I'm also sorry if it cost us an important contract." apologized Claire. "I just wanted to help you to start dating again."

"Thank you for the apology and the explanation. I see that you were trying to help me in your own way, but you need to let me decide if and who I'll date. That being said, you showed some real maturity coming to me and talking to me like this. I appreciate that. Since we are having a mature conversation, I'll be honest with you about why I haven't dated much. The truth is, of course I want what Jodi and Matt have. They are so in love, it practically radiates from the rooftops, but finding that kind of love isn't easy, and keeping it long term is even harder. Loving someone like Jodi and Matt love each other also requires an incredible amount of vulnerability and trust in the other person. In order to share your heart with someone so completely, you have to open yourself up to the possibility of hurt, serious hurt. Like gut wrenching, can't sleep, can't eat, can't function, kind of hurt. We call it heartbreak," explained Tess.

"To open your heart like that means you are giving it to the other person. It means that the other person has the power to squash it. To hurt it, to betray it. To put it through a paper shredder and leave it to be trampled by a herd of one thousand head of cattle. I gave my heart to your father and he gave his to me and, for a while, we were as happy as Jodi and Matt are. But, sometimes, things change. Sometimes, people take their hearts back, or give them elsewhere. Nick fell in love with his work on the estancia and with Argentina, in general. He took his heart back from me, but I didn't lose my heart for Nick. I didn't fall in love with Argentina like he did. His job was out in the rural area and he wouldn't let me come out there very often with you because you were so young, so I had to stay in Buenos Aires with you, and Nick was a plane ride away, and I only saw him when he came back for me, for us to visit. I was incredibly homesick and lonely with a young daughter. I wanted to come home to Drovers Run where my family was, and I told Nick that," said Tess as she realized she was going to open up more than she had planned.

"I told him we needed to go back to Gungellan for Stevie and Xander, but he was so hurt about losing Alex that he completely closed his heart for Gungellan and to things that reminded him that his brother was gone and that they would never be together again. I begged him to come back here with me, or at least come back to me or at least let me stay on the Estancia with him, you were a bit older by then, but he just kept pushing me away. I believed that, if he could just come back here, we could get back to where we had been as a couple before we had left for Argentina. I tried for years, but Nick closed his heart to me and he gave his heart to the Estancia there instead. He chose Argentina over us." Tess was about to cry as she explained, but leaving one very specific detail out. Tess didn't want Claire to hate her father, so she left out part about the woman Tess found Nick with when she surprised him at the Estancia. That was when she knew for certain it was time to file for divorce.

"Nick still had my heart and he broke it when he chose Argentina over us. I don't want you to be mad at him for it, he's your father and does love you, but he shattered my heart. He took his heart away from me but he still had mine. I felt like it had been dragged behind a ute driving all the way across Drovers. You were too little to remember what it was like when we first came back here, but I wasn't in very good shape. I was a mess for months. I couldn't eat or sleep. I sat and cried for hours every day. I couldn't get out of bed for weeks. Stevie still lived here and her and Jodi, especially Jodi, nursed me through it, made sure you were minded, and helped me recover, little by little, all while keeping the station going. It was the most difficult time I've ever had in my life. It's also where Jodi and I truly bonded as sisters. I owe her so much for getting me through that time, I owe her more than I could ever give." Tess was struggling to get the words out through the tears.

Tess pulled a bandana out of her pocket and wiped her face before continuing, "I don't date because, the truth is, I don't know if I can make it through another heartbreak like that. I've been willing to avoid the wonder and amazement that is true love in order to avoid the chance of being heartbroken again. It was the absolute worst time in my life, and I still occasionally have nightmares about it, even though it was nine years ago." Tess was trying to wipe the tears from her face as she spoke.

"Mom, I'm so sorry. You've never talked to me like this before. I'm sorry for the pain you went through, and I'm so sorry for meddling with people's emotions. It wasn't right, but I do think you should try dating again. It doesn't seem fair that you still have to try to protect yourself. You might find a man who will protect your heart like Matt does for Jodi. You deserve to find that man, the one who can make your pain go away. You deserve to have a soulmate. But Mom," Claire paused and reached out for her mom and grabbed her mom's hand from the reins. "if someone does break your heart like that, I'm grown up enough now that I'm here this time. I'll help you through it. I'll help you eat and get out of bed. I'll help you through the pain." Claire was crying too.

"Claire, you already took so much pain away. You are my whole world. It took some time, but I realized I still had love to give and life to live, so I put my love into raising you and trying to give you a life that would make you strong and happy instead of trying to find romantic love for myself. I wanted you to know and love your family from an early age because I never got that, and family is our source of strength. We have so many people who love us, and who help us, but, ultimately, Claire, you are the person who mended my broken heart. I didn't need a man to do that. It was family. It was you. It was getting to watch you grow up and be happy, and become the incredible young woman you are now." Tess confessed through tears.

"I want you to give romantic love another chance, Mom. Don't be afraid. Your family is still here if you stumble and we will help you get back up again. If you're too hurt to walk, I'll help carry you. I love you, Mom. Thank you for giving me my family. Thank you for letting me grow up with Meggie and Katie and Xander around me all the time. Thank you for finding a way to have Harrison in my life even though I know it hurt you so much that Dad had him with someone else. Thank you for making sure Charlotte still visits. Thank you for giving me Aunt Jodi and Uncle Matt and Aunt Stevie and all of them. Thank you for raising me at Drovers Run. This is where my family is. This is where you are. This is my home," sobbed Claire.

Tess and Claire both got off their horses, sobbing. They embraced tightly and just let the tears flow. It was the closest connection the two had ever felt for each other.

Tess began to think, maybe I am strong enough now to fall in love again.