Hey there! Thanks for taking the time to read my story! This is a House Ravenwatch/Fennorian fanfiction! We've got dark stuff, action stuff, and mushy stuff! I hope you enjoy this story!
Middas 8 Morning Star 2E 582
Solitude, Western Skyrim
I was tired. And it just wasn't the tired that comes from lack of sleep or sustenance.
I was tired.
The tiredness that wears on your bones and makes you feel like you're physically carrying boulders across the expanse of your shoulders all day every day. The tired that makes a mess of your thoughts, feelings, emotions. I had been through a lot.
We had been through a lot.
I can't say who in our circle had been through the most in their life, but I felt that I may have the upper hand as far as experiences went. I, after all, had my soul ripped from my body once upon a time ago. I still was recovering from that ordeal and still hadn't felt whole since I got my soul back. Who knew if I ever would again. I went so long without the very essence of my being; I think it left a permanent emptiness within me. It left an inability to cope.
During that whole devoid of a soul experience, I told myself, and along with others, that I didn't feel any different. Soul or not, I was still me. And at the time, I believed that. During my many excursions, I helped anyone with anything. My moral compass, for the most part, always pointed due north. Did I have to make quick judgment and hard decisions that most people wouldn't or couldn't? Absolutely. Did I sometimes regret my choices or wish that I could go back and do things differently? Of course. But that was life, wasn't it? That was what everyone sometimes struggled with, big or small - choices. Wasn't it?
"You alright, partner?" Lyris pulled me from my thoughts. I snapped back to reality and out of my thoughts.
We were celebrating the defeat of the Gray Host's failure of annihilating thousands of people and The Reach over a couple mugs of mead at The Lonely Troll Inn. And it wasn't just that defeat we were celebrating. It was the celebration of the defeat of High King Svargrim as well. We couldn't forget that.
I felt a little odd celebrating the defeat of Princess Svana's father, but she seemed to be handling it well. It was necessary and Svana had said it enough times that I was starting to believe she really was going to be okay.
As soon as we dealt with The Gray Host in Western Skyrim, I was called to The Reach where the battle continued. I barely had enough time to catch my breath before saving yet another countless amount of people. We saved many but lost as well. It wasn't until after Verandis asked me to bequeath his name that I truly felt his loss. He promised to visit every moment he could, but claimed by The Dark Heart, no one knew how much or how frequent that would be. Verandis was a dear friend and loved by many - we all would miss him dearly. I wanted to save him that day, and Gods I would have had a fate stronger than destiny not already been in play.
My heart shattered for Gwendis, Fennorian, and Adusa. And though it wasn't, it felt like it was my fault he didn't come back like I did. Like Lyris did. Yet another burden gnawing away at me on repeat.
Voices, laughter, the busy sound of boots scuffing against the floor, and the frequent sounds of mead steins hitting the tabletops flooded my ears as I looked in the direction of Lyris. "Partner? You alright?" Lyris asked again. A look of concern on her face. She rarely showed concern albeit on her face but this time she was. "I'm fine." I answered with a deep breath and took a quick swig of mead. I didn't particularly like mead and preferred Altmer wine, but Solitude didn't really cater to anyone else's tastes but Nords.
"Doesn't look like your fine. You haven't laughed at any of Maugh's horrible jokes and you've barely touched that mug to your lips." Lyris said with a quick scrunch of her eyebrows.
"You know I don't really like mead." I said with a pointed sarcasm. "That can't be why you're on the verge of tears. We're supposed to be celebrating! Remember? Libations aside, what's wrong? You're starting to worry me. And I don't like to worry. Gets me antsy." Lyris said with a playful grin.
She was right - this was a celebration. How was I supposed to dump all these suppressed feelings right here on the table and say 'There it is! Look at it!'?
With myself at the end of the table, I looked around at my friends who all gathered crowded at our one table in the small alcove of the inn. Svana and Maugh sat across from each other at the end of the table closest to the wall playing a game of Blood-on-the-Snow. Gwendis and Adusa fawned in laughter as they watched the many handsome Nords that occupied the inn. Sai and Fennorian looked deep in conversation as Sai spoke of Yokudan legends. Despite it all - despite everything, they looked to be having a good time. Their shoulders slouched a little more than usual, their faces not so grim, their movement not so stiff - relaxed. Gods damn it - why couldn't I relax?
"It's no need for you to worry." I said and sat up straighter in my chair. I could feel it in my back that I had been slouching way too long. "I'm not so sure, Vannyn." Lyris said skeptically. "When are you not the center of attention? Chatting away? You ask more questions than anyone else I know. You're damned silent tonight." Lyris added.
I needed some fresh air. My face was flushed with heat and the crowded quarter wasn't helping much. I stood up from my chair and Lyris looked up at me this time for once. "I need some air. I'm going to step outside." I faintly smiled. "Need company?" Lyris asked as she shot a quick glance towards Sai and then right back to me.
I chuckled to myself. Lyris and Sai. While we had the free time, I didn't want to tear them apart. They had been together, glued to the hip since we got back. They deserved their time together and I wasn't going to come in between that. Especially since they had confessed their true feelings about each other while we were in The Reach. And definitely not because whatever I was feeling within myself.
"No, no. I'm fine. I promise. It's a little warm in here. I'll be back." I mustered a smile and scooted my chair underneath the table. "You won't be out there too long. It's colder than a hagraven's tit out there." Lyris chuckled. I chuckled, ignoring the warning and slipped away between the crowd of people towards the exit.
"Everything alright, Snow Lily?" Sai asked, pulling his attention away from the lore he was speaking to Fennorian about and turning all of his attention towards Lyris.
"I'm not sure, Sai. The vest-, er, Vannyn, seems upset about something." Lyris said with a frown. "She needs some time. Resting time." Sai said with a shrug. Lyris frowned. She had grown close to Vannyn. She could tell when something was amiss and something was definitely going on.
Thing of it was, Lyris wasn't the best at giving advice. She could give her opinion, and she had strong opinions, but she wasn't sure this was what Vannyn needed. She needed, perhaps, compassion, and Lyris wasn't the best with feelings. She had a hard enough time conveying and speaking her feelings to Sai. And Sai - his solution to most things was taking time to think on them and to rest. He didn't understand and Lyris didn't truly understand what was going on either, but she knew it was something. It wasn't something that rest was going to fix.
"I'm going to replenish our mugs, Snow Lily. The night is still young and plenty more time to celebrate." Sai said and swiftly stood from the bench he had occupied and headed to the busy counter. Lyris watched Sai walk away before an idea came to her. She quickly turned her attention to Fennorian. "Hey. Fenn." Lyris said in her signature assertive tone.