Chapter 70

There was a knock on the Manfredi Wing of the shearer's quarters. The sign was still up on the post between the two rooms. Jodi had never allowed it to be removed.

"Come in," answered a muffled voice from the other side of the door. Kate was hiding under the covers as she hid from embarrassment.

It was Jodi. She had brought some toast and jam.

"I thought you might be hungry," Jodi offered

"Thanks. Russell brought me some biscuits, but I'm still feeling peckish," said Kate.

"So I take it you hadn't seen Dave since Africa?" asked Jodi.

"Well..."

"I didn't realize things would be so awkward with you two," said Jodi.

"In truth, neither did I. Going from puking your lunch up, to seeing a man you once thought was your soul mate, and then having your husband meet him was kind of a lot," admitted Kate.

"Did Russell know about Dave?" asked Jodi.

"We've talked about our past relationships and things. He knows I moved to Africa with him and moved home without him," said Kate.

"Do you still have feelings for Dave?" asked Jodi, worried that was the cause of the awkwardness.

"Not that kind of feeling. I still care about him. He's a good man, but no, I don't love him," said Kate.

"Is there something else you aren't telling me then? Because we all felt that tension," said Jodi.

"I've never told anyone this, not you, not Russell, because I was ashamed. After I left Drovers and before you came back to existence, when I worked at the farm for at-risk kids, something happened."

"Yes, I know. You've told me about that farm," said Jodi. "You still worked there when I came back."

"I didn't tell you this part. I was really depressed, like, in a really bad place in my life. The worst place I've ever been in my life. I had fallen for, and lost, Riley, but I couldn't move on because they never found the body. My head tried. My heart just couldn't. Not for a long while anyway. You still didn't legally exist, so I didn't have anyone to talk to, because you and Riley were the people I talked to about difficult stuff. The Drovers girls were always kind, but other than Stevie, it was all different girls, not you or Tess, and Stevie had her own problems at that time. I was still holding out hope Riley would magically appear alive like you and Matt and Nick, for that matter, all did. I was still in love with Riley. We never had a chance to even be together. I only ever got one kiss from him and it wasn't even a hot, passionate kiss. It was sweet, but timid, and helped us both admit how we felt, but I never got to just grab him and kiss him and put all the emotion I had for him behind it. I still regret not kissing him like that, before he left that night, so much. I was too scared and reserved. I thought about that all the time. That I never even got a proper kiss, much less to make love with him. I was an emotional wreck. I was in a very dark place," confessed Kate.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I'm so sorry, Kate," said Jodi.

"It's okay, Jodi. I'm alright now, but let me explain how Dave ties into this." said Kate. "Dave had come back from Africa and he turned up at the farm out of the blue. He wanted to get back together. He told me he loved me, that I was his true love. He poured his heart out to me completely," said Kate. "He told me things would be different if we were back in Australia, where I would be more comfortable, and we would have more equal footing, because in Africa, he was working all the time, and I was just left alone a lot. He knew how much I hated it. He came back so we could give it a try here, but it was too late for me. I was not in a position to be with him, I had fallen hard for Riley. Dave was sobbing, begging, apologizing. It was pretty rough, and I hurt him worse there, than I've ever hurt anyone, ever."

"You never told me this!" exclaimed Jodi.

"I never told anyone because I'm ashamed. I broke his heart. I hurt him really badly. I was still in love with Riley, despite him being dead. I told Dave I was in love with someone else and that I couldn't be with him. I didn't tell him that the person I was still in love with was dead and that I had fallen in love with him because he helped get through my break up with Dave in the first place. I was horribly depressed. My heart didn't believe he was dead, at the time, but he had been missing for several months, nearly a year. My head knew, but my heart hadn't gotten the message, and I couldn't just turn back to the feelings that had been there for Dave," explained Kate.

"Kate, I can't believe you never told me this. This is big news. Dave came back from Africa for you?"

"It was big news at the time. Well, anyway, as I dealt with my feelings about Riley, and fully accepted that he was gone, I started thinking about Dave, a lot. I realized that maybe there were still some feelings there, and that we had never tried being together under more normal circumstances, here in Australia. I almost called him a few times and told him that. I seriously thought about trying to get back together with him." said Kate.

"But you never called him?" asked Jodi.

"No."

"Why didn't you?"

"By the time I had really recovered and my mental health was back in a good place and I was ready to try love again, I moved to Adelaide and I met Russell on my first day there," explained Kate.

"I see."

"After I met Russell, I never thought of calling Dave again. Russell became my everything. It was a very different kind of love, it was much easier. Dave was that constant wondering what it would be like to be with him. I loved him for so long, and he just didn't love me back, and then he realized he did, and then it really didn't work in Africa, and then I really wasn't ready for a relationship and he was. There was a lot of unrequited love and pain between us for a long time. With Russell, it was the opposite. We clicked instantly. It's been just love ever since. There was never pining or pain or longing with Russell, just love," said Kate.

"So seeing Dave reminded you of the pain?" asked Jodi.

"No. I actually felt bad for Dave there. Here is the woman who broke his heart, pregnant with a super sexy husband's twins. I felt like I was hurting him all over again. Seeing Dave reminded me that I ripped his heart out. I'm completely in love with Russell, but I still feel awful for what I did to Dave, especially considering there was a while when I regretted it. I guess I just never quite got closure on my feelings for Dave. They were just sort of pushed out of the way by my feelings for Russell," explained Kate.

"Damn, Kate. I had no idea," said Jodi.

"No one does. I never even told Russell about what happened after Africa," said Kate.

"Kate, that's a big thing to keep inside all of these years," said Jodi.

"I know. But what good would telling Russell do at this point? I don't want Dave and I'm not in love with him. I want to be with Russell, who also happens to be my husband and the father of my twins and the best man I know. Dave is married with two kids, so he obviously recovered and found love too. We just gave each other a shock and stirred some old feelings. That's all. I feel awful for breaking his heart, but I'm happy to hear he's married and happy," said Kate.

"His wife is lovely, actually, and his little boys are adorable. They are coming for Charlotte's birthday," Jodi admitted.

"Thanks for the warning this time," said. Kate.

"Well, if you had told me the whole story, I would have given you warning," said Jodi.