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Dear Readers: This novel does contain references to rape and abuse. I understand that these are sensitive topics, and I would not wish for any reader to suffer as a result of coming across these references without warning.
Be advised, this story is rated M
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Chapter 24
That evening they all gathered without Darcy and raised a glass of brandy in honour of Anne's passing and took a minute's silence to pray for her soul to be at peace.
Elizabeth had heard it from Mr Bingley, that Darcy and gone for a ride to clear his head and would seek company when he was ready. They all fell into silence and barely touched their food at dinner, all feeling the loss of the great woman's passing keenly. Everyone chose to retire early, but once in her rooms Elizabeth felt restless. She knew it would be impossible to sleep without seeing him. She wanted to be there for him, and help him, comfort him if she could. Still dressed she grabbed the counterpane from the bed and pulled it about her shoulders and left her room.
It didn't take long to hear the sound of balls being pocketed in the billiards room. Moving closer she tried to hear if there was a conversation happening within, but she heard no voices and so peaked in.
It was William.
The room felt heavy and warm. He stood and offered her bow when she entered and nodded before continuing his game. His jacket was haphazardly slung over a nearby chair and his shirts sleeves had been rolled up to reveal his muscular forearms, with the alluring veins sitting once again under the surface of his skin.
"I couldn't sleep." She said awkwardly. "Do you mind if I join you for a while?"
He made a small sound and nodded his consent, as he bent over and pocketed another ball. She wanted nothing more than to throw her arms around him and hold him. He looked so vulnerable and though, she never would have thought it, he looked scared and lost.
Elizabeth moved to the side table and removed the stopper from the decanter of sherry and poured herself a glass. Gulping down its contents before pouring herself another. The air thrummed with supressed tension; she felt her knees knocking together from her nerves. Would she ever feel at ease with the way his presence made the blood rush wildly through her veins?
The brittle silence stretched unbearably as he continued to hit the balls into the pockets, moving around the table to better his aim.
"Will you teach me?" she said, her nerves pushing her to speak
Finally looking at her, he straightened from his position crouched over the table. His hot gaze studying her mouth, set her body a flame. Walking around the table to stand directly in front of her. His eyes darkened and he angled his head. Anticipation flared at the welcome thought that he was going to kiss her... only he did not. He placed the cue in her free hand and took her sherry from her other, knocking it back before placing it on the sideboard.
Her stomach lurched with disappointment and longing.
"The aim is to use the cue to hit the coloured ball with the white ball into any of the pockets. I will leave out any other rules for now as I have not the mind or the patience to list them. You may use the edging on the table to create a change in direction of the white ball."
Bending a little clumsily she took aim in a careless manner and the cue slipped without the white ball moving very far at all. Trying again she looked over her shoulder to see William pouring himself another drink and leaning against the wall and sipping at it. His gaze raked over her, drinking her in.
"Place your hand further onto the table so that you have better control over what you are doing," he instructed.
She bent once more and took care with her position.
"Your, hands are wrong. Rest the cue upon your fingertips between you thumb and forefinger." He instructed.
"Like this?" she asked after making the adjustment.
"Yes, but lean slightly further across the table," he said, his voice sounding closer than before.
"Is that better?" she asked as she felt his presence behind her, but not quite touching her.
"Now," he said, his voice low in her ear as he curved his body over hers and placed his hands on top of hers. "Pull the cue back, and then strike." He punctuated moving the cue and hitting the ball a little too hard that it hit the edging and went over the edge and clatter to the floor.
Turning his head, he buried William buried his nose into her hair and inhaled deeply, before moving away to allow her to room to straighten.
"Forgive me, I am not good company tonight." He apologised.
"You have nothing to apologise for." She said as she retrieved the ball.
Turning she looked to find William, shoulders slumped and head in his hands as he rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands.
"Yes, I do! Anne is gone and all I think of is taking comfort in you. What kind of man does that make me?" he spoke roughly. "I worry now that she is not here, how can I keep you with me? It is all too much!" In an instant she was before him. Pulling his hands from his face and looking up at him so much love and understanding, he bowed his head and resting his forehead into the crook of her neck, allowed her to whisper comforting words as she ran her fingers through his hair.
Too soon he straightened and pulled away from her with a deep and heavy sigh.
"Drink?" was all he asked.
"No, I have had enough. Why don't we go for a walk outside? Or perhaps we can sit in the library and I can read to you…"
"No." he said flatly and poured himself a brandy this time, which he downed in a single gulp.
"Perhaps, we could play a bit more? I feel I have the gist of the basic -"
"No." he said again as he knocked back another generous serving of the amber liquid.
"William, I think you might have had enough for tonight." She tried.
He simply shrugged in response and continued to refill his glass.
"You regret what happened?" she couldn't not help but ask, "between us?"
"Yes and no." he sighed.
Elizabeth struggled to breath at the pain her chest as the hurt of his confession pierced her heart.
"I regret how we went about it. Why were we in such a damn hurry?!" he continued without looking at her and raking a hand through his already ruffled curls.
"You say this now, because you have taken what you wanted!" she lashed out in response.
"You misunderstand me, Elizabeth," he admonished.
"How so?" she demanded.
"Do not cheapen this!" he replied turning his back.
"What would you have me think, when even now you refuse to look at me. It is clear you are angry and do not wish to be anywhere near me!"
"No, I am not angry with you. I am angry with myself, Elizabeth!" He whirled around to look at her. "You think my needs are so base that I only wanted that from you?"
"I think it is best I go."
"Do not stay if you do not wish to. Though, I did not love Anne in a romantic sense, I did love her. She was good and selfless! She is – was a wife that has encouraged me to find a happiness with you that she could not give me. I neglected her for my own selfishness. How much pain must she have been in? How much did she conceal just so that we could be together?" finishing his drink, he poured another.
"I am disgusted by my neglectful behaviour! And what is worse, is I know I would not change my time spent with you, Lizzy. I love you. I have since the moment you stalked past me and decided to laugh at me and tease me, the humour brightening your eyes. I will always love you." he said so close to her now that she struggled for composure. "But I shall never forgive myself for not seeing her pain. She died in my arms, and her last words were… I cannot do this right now. Forgive me." He said backing away until her connected with the wall.
"Do not close yourself off from this! No matter what you say or what guilt you feel, I feel none! I may shock with my selfish declaration but there it is. I do not and will not regret giving myself to you. I will not regret loving you and you are a coward to turn away from me now." She said coming towards him.
"I know you to be a quiet man, but you will do yourself no favours in bottling everything inside of you. Speak to me. You know I will not judge you; it is right that you are feeling sad. After a death of a loved one, is it not normal to carry regrets of things not done and words not spoken?" she said gently. "I am not diminishing your feelings, you are entitled to them, but trust you are not alone. There are things I too regret in my relationship with Anne, but you are not one of those things!" she said angrily wiping at her tears.
He grunted a response and studied the drink in the tumbler he held. Swirling it around before placing the glass on the table.
"Lizzy, I do not wish to talk any longer." He said as he walked towards her. "I want to lose myself in you. I want to forget, and I want to feel safe in your arms. Can you give me that?"
"You may be finished talking but I have something I wish to discuss with you, William. Can you give me that?" she asked.
She was ashamed to admit it but that was what she wanted him too. To have a reprieve from her grief and fear for the future.
"I wish to speak to you of my husband, I need you to understand... As you know my parents were greatly in favour of the match, my father in particular. And for reason's I no longer care to know, Jane did not tell me that she had accepted a proposal from Mr Bingley and so I went willingly into the power of Mr Collins, believing that our union would be the salvation of our family. I was young and naïve. I was foolish and headstrong enough to think that I could manage Mr Collins and bend him to my will." She let out a bitter, humourless laugh, "His silly disposition would be no match for my wit and intellect!"
She moved around the billiard table, pocketing the balls she came across with her hand, William watched her movements intently, unsure if he could bear to hear of her suffering with his emotions already in turmoil, but he couldn't walk away.
"In truth even a month after we wed, I had thought I had been let off quite easily, he had not come to my room once of an evening and I thought it would not be so terrible after all if we did not spend too much time in each other's company… How wrong I was."
"I had already known the intimacies of the marriage bed would be an unpleasant task, but it was a wife's duty and once I had produced a son I would be left alone and I do desperately yearn for children of my own…" she trailed off and sucking in a deep breath, continued with obvious difficulty. "When the time came, and he did visit my rooms… I did not know I could ever be so humiliated and degraded. My body was beaten and abused in way I could not have fathomed. It was no longer mine and it was embarrassingly weak against his attacks. He treated me as a possession, one he clearly had little respect or kindness towards. He abused me in many ways, not just in the marriage bed. He would do things such as restricting my meals and letters and feed my lies to emotionally hollow me. I had never thought I would ever be able to tolerate a man's attentions or trust a man after how I have been treated by both my husband and my father. I had even forgot I ever wanted children… until Anne and you."
"You both have brought me back to life, you brought back the fighting spirit in me through our debates and showed me a great deal of respect in treating me as your equal. I feel safe with you." she said trembling, a single tear escaping, "I never felt safe with him… he was not kind or gentle or patient with me. When we were alone, he became a different man altogether. Evil in its purist form." she whispered.
Elizabeth looked up to see him beside her and handing her his handkerchief, "You do not have to tell me anymore, you are too distressed. I cannot even begin to understand how powerless you must have felt and trust me when I say if I ever see him again, I will take great pleasure in breaking his legs."
"I have believed for the longest time that was how it should be between husband and wife. All this time my shame has prevented me in speaking out believing it to be my own failing that provoked such treatment from my husband. Nothing I said or did could prevent him or make him see how he hurt me!" she sobbed, more tears streaming down her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around his waist, and he held her close. "I will always be grateful for Anne, she saved me from an abyss of never-ending darkness. Now she is gone I am scared of what will become of me. I do not doubt that Mr Collins will come back to claim me once he hears of her passing."
Suddenly Darcy paled to imagine her innocence and shock being the recipient of such a brutish behaviour and her first time.
"I feel a great swell of pity for the man should he come to looking for you. I will kill him!" he swore.
"No – I will not have you hang for him."
Looking down into his lap, he frowned struggling to give her the promise she needed.
"You will not stop me from giving him what he deserves. The man deserves to be put down!"
"William, promise me you will not." Still, she was greeted with silence.
"How can you expect me to be the sort of man who allows such a vile creature to exist on this earth. He needs to be dealt with."
"Do you not see in such behaviour you will give him what he desires. You will subject me to a sad and miserable existence. The risk is too great. I will not lose you William, if you die, how can I go on?"
"My familial connexions are powerful. I will be protected."
"You cannot guarantee it, William. Promise me you will not act foolishly."
After an incredibly long pause he finally agreed, "I promise."
"Look at me and swear it." She demanded, gazing at this man who was considerate and kind, but did not doubt that within him lingered a deadly force.
The air crackled with the intensity of his stare. Leaning forwards, he cupped her cheeks between his large hands, "I promise I will not act foolishly, but should he ever raise a hand to you again, you cannot expect me to keep such a promise!" he whispered as he bent his head and crushed her mouth beneath his.
"Thank you, William."
Restraints and bindings fell away as he slipped an arm around her waist pulling her impossibly closer in a crushing embrace. Pulling away, Elizabeth put her hand in his, intending to lead him to 'their room' that they had shared the previous night, when his hands found her waist. Effortlessly, he moved her backwards and lifted her to sit her on the edge of the billiard table. Elizabeth's hands flew to his chest as she looked up into his face, a shocked gasp escaped her lips. William bent his legs slightly and his large hands circled her ankles, before slowly trailing up her calves to rest at the hollow behind her knees, tracing lazy circles, her skirts lifting to sit atop her knees. She felt her arousal roar through her, causing her breath to come out unevenly as she instinctively parted her legs to accommodate him, her body betraying her as he inched her skirts higher still.
Elizabeth knew she should be outraged, but she could not deny how excited she was at the prospect. It felt wonderful to be cradled in the arms of this magnificent man.
"But there are staff just outside…" she uttered, huskily as she tore at his cravat to press her nose to his skin and breath in the compelling scent of his cologne.
Pulling her back he looked at her from beneath hooded lids. "And?" he said with a whisper of a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.
Instead of responding she settled with the need to ravish him senseless. She moved her hands to grip his forearms needing an anchor as he pushed his hands beneath her bottom, lifting her, Elizabeth let out a small gasp of excitement at the feel of his bulging muscles contracting as he held her aloft, before pulling her to straddle him as he stood. Immediately feeling a smug satisfaction at the evidence of his growing arousal pressing against her, proving that he was as affected as she was. William, stepped forward to rest her atop the table once more, and then took a step back, moving out of her embrace causing a small whimper in protest from Elizabeth.
"Elizabeth, I do not have the strength to go as slowly as before. I am wound too tightly. But know that I will stop at any point if you ask me too." William warned her his expression calm, though his stance was tense and his stare sharp.
Moved beyond words she grabbed onto the collar of his waistcoat and kissed him. Once. Twice. And then he softened, and his restraint crumbled. He sank his hands in her hair, locking her against him. "God, Lizzy," he rasped. "I love the feel of you, the smell of you…" he moaned as he took his place between her spread thighs once more. Her sex pulsed in response to his words and his closeness.
She responded by kissing him with renewed fervour, tracing his full lips with her tongue as he had taught her to do. One moment they were tense and silent and the next they were moaning into each other's mouths.
"You are certain? This what you want?" he could not refrain from asking, his tone low and husky.
"Yes. Do not stop."
With growl of approval, he pulled her to him and kissed her, with a raw and carnal intensity. Pulling her hips forwards so that she needed to brace her hands on the felt of the table behind her scattering the remaining balls in all directions. His hands traced up the length of her legs and found the tie securing her drawers, he pulled them off and discarded them on the floor as her hands impatiently went to the fall of his breeches and takes his length in her hand.
Sucking in a deep breath he bit at her shoulder to stifle his groan and pulsed his hips into grasp gently.
"So soft and yet so hard," she gasped in wonder. Threading his hands through her hair he pressed their foreheads together and looked down watching her hands on him, with an almost pained expression.
It all became too much, catching her hand in his, "Have mercy – you will unman me if you continue." He murmured at her disappointed expression. Then without warning he pulled at the top of her gown enough to expose her breasts and he bent his head to kiss each one and sucking each peak into his mouth and releasing it with a pop of suction.
He took one hand to clasp the side of her face, trapping their gazes as he used one hand to position himself at her entrance. Then without further preamble he he thrust inside her, burying himself to the hilt his mouth falling open with a broken cry of pleasure. "You feel so good! Too good for me. I do not deserve you Lizzy." He groaned looking down to where their bodies joined.
"Yes. Yes, you do!" She moaned tugging his head back by his hair to meet his gaze so hard he flinched a little. The dominant in her took over as she grabbed his jaw and kissed him hard, in a clashing of teeth and tongues as he began a punishing rhythm.
Each thrust made the table creak and shudder as their kisses turned achingly tender. In and out he thrust, her hips rising to meet him, taking him deeper. Their moves became more primal. The crude clashing of the skin connecting every time he drove into her, serving to make their actions more frenzied, until she felt her body climb impossibly high and then she shattered. Biting into his neck to stop from crying out, she tightened around him, her body shaking in what felt like never ending ecstasy. His maintained rhythm keeping her bliss rippling through her until she felt like she could take no more. And then in one finally pump of his hips he found his release with her. Circling her arms around his neck she whispered words of comfort to him as she smoothed his hair back from his brow.
He was her everything. He was her morning sunrise, her moon and stars in the night sky. He was all she needed to find her anchor in the storm, and she loved him with every fibre of her being.
She rested her head on his shoulder and her hand over the steady beat of his heart while he deftly rearranged her skirts and righted his clothing. Then with great care cradled her in his arms and moved them both to sit in the armchair.
"I will have to leave to see to Anne's burial at Pemberley and then on to Kent to attend to her will with Lady Catherine." He spoke into her hair. "Elizabeth, I will not risk taking you close to Mr Collins. I will notify Bingley that he is not to be trusted but will not reveal the full truth of what you disclosed."
"What if he comes looking for me, William?" she whispered.
"He won't. I plan to make it appear that you are travelling with Georgiana, her companion and me. He will only know that you are not with us when I arrive in Kent and from there, I can easily keep him detained with my aunt and maintain a watchful eye over him." He assured her. "Elizabeth, until my return I need you to promise me you will be careful. No long walks alone. Make sure to be accompanied when out of doors and within sight of Netherfield."
"I promise." She sighed.
"I love you, my Miss Elizabeth Bennet." He whispered into her hair and she smiled.
"You have said that before."
"That is because I love you. You need more proof of my affection?" he said raising his brows at her.
"Not that!" she giggled. "You've called me Miss Bennet before. Your Miss Elizabeth Bennet?"
"Yes."
"Why?" She said smiling.
"That is who you are to me. I will never acknowledge any other name for you ever again." He said reverently cupping her face and bestowing tender kisses to her bruised lips. Darcy knew it was not the appropriate time to say so but, in his head, he added... not until it is my name you carry.