Stepping Up To Juvenile Delinquency
"Oh goody," Destro said sarcastically as the Cobras sat down in their conference room. "Just what I wanted. Another meeting."
"Not just any meeting. Today we are coming up with new plots for the new year," Cobra Commander said. "I'm getting sick and tired of these petty crime sprees. It's time Cobra did something bold and original! So I've got a few ideas."
"Does any of these ideas come from television?" Destro drawled. "Because I saw you watching that Breaking Bad marathon and I'm telling you right now I will not contribute to running a meth lab!"
"Are you telling me a man who used to sell nuclear bombs and other weapons of mass destruction suddenly has principles?' Cobra Commander snapped.
"I may not have many left, but yes," Destro snapped.
"Principles?" Tomax chuckled.
"Destro we once witnessed you blowing up an orphanage in order to demonstrate a product to a client!" Xamot added.
"In the first place that orphanage was going to be torn down anyway," Destro waved. "And it's not like there were any orphans inside. They had all been evacuated the day before."
"To a nice dingy sweatshop down the block," Xamot gave him a look.
"Which you were a part owner of," Tomax added.
"As I recall, you two were the other half of the ownership," Destro glared at them. "If you think about it those children were better off there anyway. They actually had a meal once a day and were learning skills. Not to mention there were far fewer rats and almost no lice in that building. It was practically a trade school."
"Yes there's where you draw the line," Mindbender rolled his eyes. "But there is a legitimate reason for not running a meth lab. It's been overdone. What we should do is come up with a brand new kind of drug and sell it!"
"If this is anything like some of your other drugs in the past we shouldn't," The Baroness gave him a look. "Remember C-Buzz back in 94?"
"Ooh, I'd forgotten about that one," Cobra Commander winced.
"Not surprising," The Baroness folded her arms. "You were high as a kite on the stuff for weeks! Not to mention…"
"Right. You have a point Baroness," Cobra Commander glared at Mindbender. "Never again will I allow one of Mindbender's concoctions to hit the open market!"
"In my defense I told you specifically that I needed more time to research and test the product before marketing!" Mindbender snapped. "You only gave me a week for crying out loud! Of course there were going to be some unexpected side effects."
"Growing an extra toe and boils on your backside the size of grapefruit aren't side effects!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Even I have to draw the line at drastic genetic mutations! And this is coming from a man who's had a few in his lifetime!"
"Wait that was you guys?" Steve Two spoke up. "My uncle George took that stuff, got huge bug eyes and grew gills."
"Yes, the wrath of the Federal Drug Agency was nothing compared to the hordes of unhappy customers," Cobra Commander groaned. "Some of which were our own troops."
"Take a lesson Steves," Tomax groaned. "It is never profitable to have even your lowest level employees buy your drug product."
"Especially if it is a failure," Xamot added. "And the employees know where the warehouse is…"
"And have access to flamethrowers," Tomax finished.
"All right. Fine. Drugs are off the table," Cobra Commander sighed. "There's too much competition in the market anyway what with all the cartels and the state of Colorado. We'll move on to other ideas."
"Like what?" Destro asked. "I ask knowing the answer will cause me nothing but headaches."
"Well I was going to save this for the end of the meeting," Cobra Commander took out some folders and passed them around to everyone at the table. "Make it my big finish. But considering the quality of ideas is rapidly going downhill…not to mention my reason to live I think we should go on with this one."
"Operation Russian Gold?" The Baroness read the title of the folder.
"You want to steal the medals from the Winter Olympics?" Destro was stunned as he looked at the files.
"All right! Road trip!" Steve One cheered as he high fived Steve Two.
"Are you out of your mind?" Destro yelled.
"Why not? It's bold! It's daring! It's just the shot in the arm Cobra needs to get back in the game!" Cobra Commander said. "Now before you dismiss this idea completely…"
"Too late…" The twins said as one.
"Read the bullet points and the plan," Cobra Commander went on. "Go on. Read it."
The Cobras read the folders for a moment in silence. "It's…a good plan," Destro was stunned. "How…?"
"I still have a few connections in Russia from the old days," Cobra Commander waved.
"This could work," The Baroness agreed. "It's risky but what the hell? It's better than what we've come up with before!"
"We agree," The Twins nodded.
"Why not?" Destro sighed. "Even though I know deep down somewhere this plan has a flaw in it."
"Road trip!" The Steves cheered with Mindbender.
"Okay so that's one good idea that I came up with," Cobra Commander was pleased with himself. "Now all of you need to come up with ideas."
"I…" Mindbender began.
"Except for you Mindbender!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You are exempt from the planning process! For obvious reasons!"
"When did I become a Dreadnok?" Mindbender snapped. "I'm not stupid you know? They don't give doctorate degrees in science, dentistry and animal husbandry to just anyone!"
"Oh let him spout out his insane idea," Destro waved. "Just to get it over with."
"Fine…" Cobra Commander sighed. "Go ahead Mindbender."
"Actually I have two ideas," Mindbender spoke up. "Now I know in the past we haven't had that much success with genetic mutations…"
Most of the table groaned with agony. "But if you hear me out I think I have a plan," Mindbender pressed on. "I've got some wonderful new DNA enhancers I've been working on. When they are ready we introduce them to a part of the population. Some small town no one knows about, put it into the water supply and…"
"In other words one of our older plans that failed miserably when GI Joe busted it up," Destro interrupted.
"Yes but this time there are no GI Joe moles in our organization!" Mindbender grinned.
"That we know of," Cobra Commander looked at the Steves.
"Uh no, not me," Steve One gave him a look. "Terrorist henchman. Remember?"
"Who's GI Joe?" Steve Two blinked.
"Okay so there are no moles," Cobra Commander waved. "Why not? Let's leave that plan in the pile. What's your other plan Mindbender?"
"Remember my mind control chewing gum?" Mindbender asked. "I redid the formula! We can make it synthetically! I just need one or two minor ingredients I can get uh…elsewhere."
"And where are these ingredients found?" Destro asked with a sigh.
"I'm sure I can pick them up at any aquarium or private zoo without much trouble," Mindbender waved.
"He did say aquarium didn't he?" Tomax asked his brother.
"And private zoo," Xamot sighed.
"Okay fine! Project Troublemint is approved also!" Cobra Commander waved. "Hey that's kind of clever. Okay we're actually being productive today! Let's get this ball rolling! Baroness what do you have?"
"Well if we are going to Russia I also have some contacts I can call on," The Baroness thought. "Maybe steal something?"
"Okay. Why not kill two birds with one stone?" Cobra Commander jotted it down on a piece of paper. "Let's do some brainstorming. Even though we are working with a limited number of brain cells. Crimson Twins what do you have?"
"We could try using the money we steal to take over another company and work from there," Xamot spoke.
"Using that as a base of operations," Tomax said.
"In other words nothing," Mindbender scoffed.
"Don't we already have a corporation? I mean aren't we a corporation?" Steve Two blinked.
"Let's just say there's been some downsizing and leave it at that," Cobra Commander sighed.
"But we do have a business! The fish shop!" Steve Two said. "Just yesterday I sold three three fish and a bucket of clams!"
"Wow. Three whole fish…" Xamot quipped.
"And a bucket of clams," Tomax smirked.
"Business is booming," The Twins said as one.
"At least he knows not to run his business to the ground!" Steve One glared at the twins.
"Yeah and the pot I sold the other day really…" Steve Two began. Steve One shushed him. "Oh right. Not supposed to talk about it."
"Looks like someone's hiding something," The twins chirped with glee.
"Oh goody," Destro groaned. "We're already in the drug business."
"Anything you'd like to share Steves?" Cobra Commander asked in an icy tone.
"It's just my local homemade stuff I grew myself," Steve Two shrugged. "I sell mostly to seniors who appreciate righteous chronic."
"How much?" The Baroness asked.
"Let's just say that new refrigerator filled with scotch didn't pay for itself," Steve One to a nearby mini refrigerator plugged in a corner.
"There's scotch here? Okay! Good use of funds Steve One!" Cobra Commander did a double take. "At least with you running things I know the money will be put to good use. Unlike some twin twerps I know!"
"We're in the room!" The Twins snapped.
"You know what? As productive as today has been I still feel that Cobra is missing something," Cobra Commander sighed.
"You mean like actual troops, weapons, funding…" Destro counted off. "A few tanks…"
"Besides that…" Cobra Commander waved. "I feel like Cobra has lost it's spark. I know! Let's go out and commit a few random crimes. That always makes me feel better."
"Oh goody, now we're stepping up to juvenile delinquency," Destro said sarcastically. "In case you haven't considered this aren't you lot going to be conspicuous?"
"Not with my new hologram watch!" Mindbender took something out. "I got the idea from this…program I viewed about possible alternate timelines."
"You mean cartoons?" Destro gave him a look. "Buck Rodgers?"
"X-Men Evolution," Mindbender shrugged and gave a watch to Cobra Commander. "Go on Commander. Try that button on the left."
"If this thing explodes and takes my arm off I will kill you Mindbender," Cobra Commander put on the watch. He turned it on.
"Well this takes me back," Tomax remarked as he saw the Commander's hologram.
"You look like you did on that road trip to Hell a few years ago," Xamot added. "You know?"
"The one where you looked like that insane Dean from Community?" Tomax added.
Indeed the Dean from Community sat there. "Hey the man won an Oscar and is a respected actor!" Cobra Commander replied in his usual voice. "I can live with this!"
"Unfortunately we have to live with it so…" The Baroness grimaced. "But I have to admit it is an improvement."
"I made one for you too Destro," Mindbender gave him one.
"Why does he need it?" Cobra Commander snapped. "All he has to do is take off his damn mask! I'm bluer than Papa Smurf, have more eyes than the waiting room at an optometrist's office and have more scales on me than the reptile house at the zoo! I have to wear this getup! He doesn't!"
"Yeah I've always wondered about that," Steve One gave him a look. "Nobody knows what you look like without the mask. You can just go on without it an a change of clothes."
"I wear this mask in respect for my ancestors," Destro gave him a look. "As lord of McCullen Castle…"
"Destro, McCullen Castle is now McCullen Parking Lot!" Cobra Commander interrupted. "And your family is pretty ticked off about that. There's no real point in you wearing that all the time. Unless you want to be a target."
"You…have a very vailid argument," Destro sighed.
"Now that I think about it, I have never seen your true face," The Baroness realized. "And we've slept together."
"We've seen Cobra Commander's face more than yours," Mindbender pointed out. "And no offense but you can't look any worse than he does."
"Even I have to admit that one is true," Cobra Commander nodded. "Come on Destro! Let's see it!"
"You're not going to shut up unless I do it aren't you?" Destro sighed.
"Take it off! Take it off!" The Steves and the Twins cheered.
"Take it off! Take it off!" Mindbender and the Baroness added.
"What do you think?" Cobra Commander gave him a look. "Take it off! Take it off!"
"All right! All right!" Destro worked with the controls of his mask. "I suppose we have worked together so long you might as well get a peek."
"Not to mention dated me!" The Baroness added. "Why do you keep forgetting that?"
"I wish we could forget that," Cobra Commander groaned. The Baroness glared at him.
Destro took his mask off. Everyone looked at him. "Oh. That's what you look like?" Mindbender sounded disappointed. "You don't even have a scar."
"I didn't know you had a beard," The Baroness blinked.
"You look like one of the well groomed cousins of those Duck Dynasty people," Cobra Commander blinked.
Destro had short red hair, a well groomed short red beard and mustache with blue eyes. "I'm sorry it's not as dramatic as you had hoped," He quipped.
"Sorry. It's just not what I pictured you at all," The Baroness said. "The red hair and beard I mean."
"You know I'm Scottish," Destro pointed out. "Quite a lot of Scotts have red hair."
"I just pictured you bald for some reason," Mindbender shrugged. "Must be because of the mask."
"I thought that too," Cobra Commander admitted.
"Yes well now that you have all had a good look…" Destro let out a sigh and a wave.
"Right! All right Cobra! Let's go out and cause some mayhem!" Cobra Commander clapped his hands together.
"What kind of mayhem?" The Baroness asked.
"I don't know. We'll just ride around up topside in one of the cars we found and see what happens," Cobra Commander waved.
"Well as long as you have a plan…" The Baroness groaned.
"I think I shall remain here," Destro sighed. "Someone has to stay behind and watch the base. And if necessary plan a jail breakout."
"Great! You and I can run the fish shop together!" Steve Two cheered.
"Oh…joy," Destro sighed.