Fish On The Side

"I'd forgotten about sunburn," Destro grumbled to himself as he applied some lotion on his face. "Then again since I've worn that mask almost all the time for so long…"

"Like even in the shower?" Steve Two blinked. Both men were in the fish shack. Steve Two was wearing a blue T shirt and white shorts with flip flops. Destro was wearing a red and white Hawaiian shirt and white shorts with sneakers.

"Sometimes," Destro admitted with a shrug. His face was now red with sunburn.

"Dude doesn't it, you know? Rust?"

"Not really. It's not a normal metal but a special alloy my company used to make," Destro explained.

"And it didn't hurt?" Steve Two asked.

"Not really. It was a little odd when I first put it on decades ago but compared to some of the masks my ancestors endured…" Destro shrugged.

"So why do you wear it again?" Steve Two blinked.

"Ever hear of the story 'The Man In The Iron Mask'?" Destro sighed. "Let's just say my direct ancestor was the inspiration for that story."

"You mean the one with Leonitus De Capricorn? That was a good movie," Steve Two said. "So wait…Your ancestor was a rich prince who had an evil twin or something?"

"More like a Scottish lord wrongly accused of witchcraft," Destro said. "Of course his real crime was supplying weapons to the Scottish rebels and he got caught. But he was too politically powerful to be killed so the king forced him to wear an iron mask for the rest of his days."

"Dude that's way harsh…" Steve Two whistled.

"It wasn't so bad. After a year my ancestor broke out of prison and found a good locksmith," Destro said. "But by then he got used to it so he made it able to put on the mask whenever he wanted. Then his sons and daughter decided to wear the mask to show their allegiance to their father and defiance to the king. And the tradition went on from there."

"Oh cool," Steve Two nodded. He looked outside. From the shack they had a good view of the beach. "Beautiful day bro…"

"Too bad it's marred by being stuck here," Destro sighed. "Then again I suppose staying in a fish shack is better than whatever mayhem Cobra Commander is up to. God how I've fallen. I used to be the head of my own multi-billion dollar corporation and now look where I am. Selling fish out of a shack."

"I hear ya, man," Steve Two sighed. "I know exactly how you feel."

"Do you?" Destro raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah. You think I always hung out here selling fish with pot stuffed in 'em?" Steve Two asked.

"The pot is inside the fish?" Destro looked at one of the fish. "That explains the smell…"

"Pretty clever right?" Steve Two smiled.

"Basically this is a pot store that sells fish on the side? Well I've heard of weirder ventures…" Destro sighed.

"There was a time where I owned my own business. Before this one I mean. Yeah I was a real big shot back then. Had a big store and everything. Even owned a suit," Steve Two sighed.

"And what business is that?"

"I owned my own surfboard shop," Steve Two sighed. "Had my own patented surfboard wax too that the bros loved. I was raking in the dough and king of the world. Until the scandal broke…That's when it all went downhill."

"Scandal? What scandal? Did you steal money?" Destro was intrigued. "Was it the pot?"

"Nah those things didn't matter," Steve Two waved. "I tell ya the surfboard and surfboard wax business got really cutthroat. Bunch of the big surfboard and surf wax corporations tried to muscle me out. They must have had one of their spies lurking around my shop or something. Only way I can figure out how they knew."

"Knew what? What did you do that ruined your business?"

"It's what I didn't do. I…" Steve Two sighed. "I don't know how to surf."

"I see…" Destro said.

"It's not that I didn't try to learn how to surf I just can't do it!" Steve Two said. "Got this inner ear thing that makes it hard for me to balance. As you can imagine nobody wants to buy surfing gear from a guy who can't surf. So I had no choice but to torch the place down for insurance and move on to something else."

"You actually thought of that?" Destro was surprised.

"No technically I only thought of the insurance part…." Steve Two sighed. "After my ex-girlfriend burned my shop down. We kind of had this big fight about me having a date with her best friend and it kind of got out of hand."

"I've been there," Destro admitted. "And I have the burn scars to prove it."

"So I went to another town where my buddy got me this job in insurance and was able to well…let's just say change a few dates around so I could get some money from my old shack," Steve Two went on. "It was a bummer to wear a tie and stuff but it paid the bills for about a year."

"I see."

"For a while it looked like I was gonna be okay then…" Steve Two sighed. "Then I made a real bonehead move. I hooked up with my manager's wife. He was not a happy camper. Here's a tip, if you ever have an affair in your boss' office make sure the door is locked. And there aren't any cameras in the room."

"Surprisingly I do understand," Destro blinked. "Okay in my case there were two women and they were part of this sheik's harem who was a client of mine but the sentiment is the same. And yes I learned the hard way about checking for cameras in a room before having an affair."

"Long story short after that job I did a few other jobs but I kind of screwed up…by screwing around with the wrong people," Steve Two admitted. "So I moved to this island. The only reason I opened up this place was I figured it was one of the last places my ex-girlfriends would look for me."

"Again, I get it," Destro admitted. "God knows I had to come up with some odd hideouts to escape from the Baroness."

"Huh. You know dude, you and I are a lot alike," Steve Two remarked. "Maybe it's like fate that we're working together."

"While I admit there are some similarities in our lives I hardly believe fate had a hand in our temporary partnership," Destro sighed. "And as for fate I tend to reserve that for the actions of man. In particular one man, Cobra Commander!"

"Hey you know something dude?" Steve Two whispered. "Between you and me…I think there's something weird about Cobra Commander."

"How very astute of you Steve Two," Destro drawled.

A man with a long brown beard, blue T-Shirt, jean shorts, flip flops and scraggly hair walked up. "I'd like my tuna surprise please."

"Oh yeah here ya go Ray," Steve Two handed him a fish wrapped in brown paper. "One tuna surprise coming right up."

"Let me guess," Destro remarked. "The surprise is what's inside the tuna?"

"No man," Ray gave Destro a look. "The surprise is that it's a snapper."

"Of course," Destro groaned.

"Who's the new guy?" Ray pointed to Destro.

"Friend of mine. Going through a rough patch. You know how it is," Steve Two shrugged. "Ten bucks."

"Pretty cheap for marijuana don't you think?" Destro asked.

"You sell pot here? Since when?" Ray did a double take.

"Ray is one of my few real fish customers," Steve Two winced. "I guess I should have told you."

"Yeah you should have told me!" Ray spoke up. "I want some of that too!"

"I can't believe this is my life," Destro moaned.

"Hey yo! What's this?"

Destro looked and saw five old men in colorful Italian shirts and shorts walking up to them. "Hey punk! This is Big Louie's turf! Didn't I warn you before about selling weed in my territory! And you taking one of my customers?" A bald man with hair coming out of his ears snapped.

"Hey man he was just selling me fish! I didn't know about the pot until just now," Ray defended.

"Hey nobody sells on Big Louie's turf without Big Louie's permission!" Big Louie snapped.

"Since when is this your turf?"

"What the…?" Destro did a double take as some more old men walked in. Or in the case of their leader rode in on a mobile scooter.

"This is one of my guys! He pays me good protection!" The old man on a motor scooter snarled. "You got no business here Louie!"

"Listen Wheels," Big Louie snapped. "I'm in charge of this whole freaking island!"

"Yeah right! My nephew is the chief of police you numb nut," Wheels wheezed. "Which means I'm in charge!"

"He don't even like you!" Another old man from Big Louie's called out. "Calls you a cheapskate!"

"That's because he's a punk who thinks he knows it all and is always looking for money!" Wheels snapped. "The point is that you are on my turf and unless you want a knuckle sandwich you better scram!"

"And who's gonna make me?" Big Louie snarled.

"I'm gonna make you!" Wheels snapped.

"Is there a real cartel on this island or…?" Destro whispered to Steve Two.

"Not exactly," Steve Two explained. "This is the island where the old timers that survive the cartels come. The guys who run the cartels let this place alone so their uncles and grandpas can duke it out."

"I see…" Destro sighed.

"You wanna rumble like the old days Louie?" Wheels snarled. "I'll run you over!"

"Aren't you gonna be late for the early bird special Wheels?" Big Louie snarled. "I know how you like to eat!"

"I got plenty of time before the four o'clock seating at the casino buffet!" Wheels snapped.

"I forgot about the casino," Destro remembered. "The twins own the casino which means…Why am I here?"

"Good question! I'd better go!" Ray ran for his life.

"You wanna rumble fool? I'll rumble!" Big Louie snarled. "Just let me get my teeth in and I'll bite your ear off!"

"Seriously I could have been sitting in an air conditioned casino all day instead of a hot illegal bait shop smelling like stoned fish!" Destro groaned. "I hate my life!"

"You're going down Big Louie!" Wheels revved up his scooter.

"You're going down clown!" Big Louie shouted as his men brandished canes and pistols.

"All right I think I am going to cut this short," Destro sighed as he pulled a small laser blaster from his pocket.

"Geeze! Louie! He's packing heat!" One of the older men yelled. "Where's my bullets?"

Some of the elderly men were pretty spry and started to shoot back. "It's a three way turf war!" Someone yelled. "OW! MY HIP!"

"You got shot in the hip George?" Another old man called out.

"No, I threw my hip out! OWWW! MEDIC ALERT! MEDIC ALERT!"

"Good thing I got a gun from my cousin Jack for Christmas!" Steve Two said cheerfully as he pulled out a gun from under the counter. "I always wanted to use this thing! Whoo hoo!"

"Just how I wanted to spend my afternoon," Destro groaned. "Dealing with cranky customers and having a turf war. Now that I think about it, this is exactly like the old days!"