We Missed Happy Hour
"How long is it going to take Mindbender and Steve One to do this anyway?" Cobra Commander grumbled as he sat in the passenger side of the front of the van. He was wearing his human hologram.
"Hopefully not long," The Baroness sighed. She was wearing a trench coat over her usual uniform.
"How long does it take to rob a laundromat?" Cobra Commander hissed. "Especially when the owner of the laundromat is in on it?"
"Technically it's not the owner," The Baroness corrected. "It's the manager that's related to the owner. I forget how."
"Oh God, I hope Mindbender isn't…." Xamot began. He and his brother were also wearing trench coats.
"Don't put that image in my head!" Tomax hissed. "Too late…"
"It's there…" Xamot finished. Both twins shuddered in horror.
"What? What do you…?" Cobra Commander began. "Oh no wait. Now I know what you're talking about!"
"What are you talking about?" The Baroness asked.
"Why did you mention that?" Cobra Commander snapped at the twins. "Now I'm not going to be able to take a nap in the car if I have to! Too many nightmares!"
"What nightmares?" The Baroness snapped.
"The nightmares about Mindbender having sex with…" Xamot rolled his eyes. Everyone in the car yelled in protest. "Well someone had to say it!"
"You're just Mr. Tactful as always aren't you brother?" Tomax groaned.
"Oh for crying out loud are you bringing up the Deber Contract again?" Xamot gave him a look. "I thought you were over that!"
"Oh yes I'm over losing a ten million dollar deal over the fact that you couldn't keep your mouth shut for ten minutes!" Tomax glared at his brother.
"Again, there was no way I could have known that the blonde we had sex with in the elevator twenty minutes ago was his wife!" Xamot snapped.
"The fact that she had the same last name as him should have been a clue!" Tomax snarled.
"I didn't know! I'm not the one who spoke to her!"
"You were in the same elevator as me! You should have overheard…"
"Oh great…" The Baroness groaned. "I hate when they fight."
"The only thing more annoying than those two when they are in synch is when they are out of synch," Cobra Commander agreed. "They're going to be in a mood all day…"
"And that is why we both agreed to never wear noise cancelling headphones while on a tryst again!" Xamot finished. "Although we could have used them back at that gun show in 86."
"Oh and that's my fault?" Tomax glared at his brother.
"If you two don't shut up I'm kicking you out of this car and onto the freeway!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"We're back!" Mindbender said cheerfully as he returned to the van with Steve One and some huge sacks. Both were wearing black turtlenecks and jeans with boots.
"Finally! What were you doing in there for over an hour?" Cobra Commander snapped. "On second thought don't answer that."
"We got over a hundred and twenty five dollars in change," Mindbender went on. "Plus the five hundred dollars we made selling the laundry detergent we stole on the black market. Not to mention some new socks I desperately needed and a nice…"
"Wait, wait back up a second," Cobra Commander interrupted. "What's this about the five hundred dollars?"
"Oh well it was a thousand from the dealer but I had to split it with the manager so…" Mindbender explained.
"Are you telling me there is a black market out there for laundry detergent?" The Baroness was stunned. "Who runs it? Mr. Clean?"
"Of course there is. Have you seen the prices for detergent at the grocery stores? It's outrageous!" Mindbender said. "And people call us criminals!"
"So you made more money stealing laundry detergent…?" Xamot blinked.
"Then actually stealing money?" Tomax blinked.
"Just when I think the human race can't get any dumber or more insane…" Cobra Commander groaned. "Okay let's get out of here."
"To where? That was the only thing I had to do," Mindbender asked.
"Well there has to be some mayhem Cobra can do on the mainland!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Everyone think!"
"There's a museum of dishtowels in the next town we can burn down!" Steve One said cheerfully.
"How do you even know that?" Tomax asked.
"We had a talk about it with the manager at the laundromat," Steve One said. "Apparently he's in some kind of feud with the caretaker."
"Why not?" Cobra Commander asked. "We've blown up other crappy museums. Might as well destroy another one."
"Maybe the laundry manager will give us a discount the next time we rob this store?" The Baroness groaned as she drove off.
"Turn the radio on," Steve One said.
"Sure all we need is music to terrorize people by," The Baroness sighed as she did so. "Maybe the music will shut you all up?"
"Oh this is my jam! I love this song!" Cobra Commander turned up the volume. "Everybody wants to rule the world…"
"Great," Tomax rolled his eyes.
"He's going to be in a mood all day," Xamot agreed.
An hour later….
"Where the hell is this museum anyway?" The Baroness groaned.
"It doesn't matter," Cobra Commander grumbled. "We're at least an hour away from anything thanks to all this traffic!"
"Just be patient. It can't last much…" The Baroness took a whiff. "What's that smell?"
"It's not me," Mindbender frowned. "For once."
"It's the truck in front of us!" Cobra Commander grumbled. "See the smoke coming out of a barely functioning muffler?"
"Great and people complain about big companies poisoning the air," Steve One winced.
"Just relax and it will be over soon…" The Baroness sighed.
Fifteen minutes later….
"I HATE TRAFFIC!" Cobra Commander yelled.
"I'm hungry," Steve One said.
"I could eat," Mindbender said. "You could eat?"
"I want to eat something besides the smoke from the stupid truck in front of us!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Stop shoving me!" Xamot hissed at his brother.
"You stop shoving me!" Tomax shoved his brother.
"IF YOU MANIACS DON'T STOP RIGHT NOW I WILL TURN THIS VAN AROUND AND WE WILL GO BACK TO THE SEAPORT AND THEN BACK TO THE ISLAND!" The Baroness yelled. "DO YOU WANT THAT TO HAPPEN?"
"YES!" The twins said as one.
"That would teach us a lesson," Tomax added.
"Only way we'll learn," Xamot added.
"Nice try you twits!" Cobra Commander hissed. "But I'm going to destroy something today so…"
"Besides our will to live?" The Baroness remarked.
"You have definitely been hanging around Destro too much," Cobra Commander pointed out.
"I know!" Mindbender said cheerfully. "How about we play a game to pass the time?"
"Fine," Cobra Commander said icily. "Let's play 'How Much is Mindbender An Annoying Pratt'?"
"He's a psychopathic loser who would creep out Norman Bates," The Baroness groaned.
"Whoa. Good one right out of the gate," Cobra Commander realized.
"Eh I've had that one waiting for quite some time," The Baroness said.
"How about this? Mindbender is the most annoyingly cheerful…" Xamot began.
"Medical miscreant since Dr. Frankenstein decided to stitch together some body parts to see what would happen," Tomax finished.
"At least I'm trying to do something positive!" Mindbender snapped. "It's not like you twin twerp tightwads! Hording your money and secret bases!"
"Oh yeah I forgot I hate the Crimson Twins more," Cobra Commander glared at the twins. "Okay new game. What About the Twins Annoy Me the Most?"
"Ooh! I've got one!" Steve One called out. "They're cheap!"
"They're arrogant," Mindbender glared at the twins.
"Corsican Twits," The Baroness added.
"Another good one! And it works on so many levels!" Cobra Commander was impressed.
"Right? I'm amazed I didn't think of that sooner," The Baroness nodded.
"Oh yeah the whole they can feel each other's pain thing like that Cheech and Chong movie," Steve One agreed.
"Don't pick on us!" Xamot hissed.
"Pick on Mindbender!" Tomax added. "At least…"
"We don't date our own experiments!" Xamot finished.
"At least none of my experiments slash dates stole millions of dollars from me!" Mindbender snapped. "Okay they ate a few assistants but still…"
"He has a point boys," The Baroness sighed. "You do deserve it more than he does."
"Not much more but more," Cobra Commander said.
"Hey look there's the exit!" Steve One pointed.
"Go! Go! Go!" The Twins shouted.
"Shut up or I swear to God I will blow your kneecaps off!" The Baroness snapped as she drove. "It's like dealing with children! Thank God I never had any…"
"And God thanks you as well," Cobra Commander retorted.
"You want me to throw you out of this car?" The Baroness snarled. "Shut up and let me drive!"
"I'm hungry," Steve One spoke up.
"Who cares?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Just be quiet! We're almost there!" The Baroness snapped. "So what's the plan?"
"We go in, set an overpriced dishtowel on fire. We get out. That's it!" Cobra Commander said. "It's not rocket science people!"
"No, just one of your normal well thought out plans," Tomax sneered.
"You two are so close to getting a taster right in your…" Cobra Commander snarled. He started to cough. "Are we still behind that stupid truck?"
"No we left it when we got off the highway," The Baroness sniffed. "But I still smell smoke."
"So do I," Xamot said.
"Oh crap the car isn't on fire is it?" Cobra Commander looked around.
"No, but that is!" Steve One pointed.
"Oh great!" The Baroness groaned when she saw what was in front of her. "What are the odds that we go off to burn down a building only to find out that it's already on fire?"
"With this group, pretty good," Mindbender sighed.
"No wonder there's so much traffic," Steve One remarked.
"Oh this is just stupid…" Cobra Commander hissed.
"That pretty much sums up my entire life," The Baroness groaned.
A few more hours later…
"Well that was a colossal waste of time!" Cobra Commander snapped as he entered the rec room in the base. His hologram was off and the Cobras had shed their disguises for their usual uniforms.
"It was one of your plans," Xamot pointed out.
"Shut up!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Well it couldn't have been too bad," Destro remarked from where he was sitting. He was wearing his usual mask and uniform and was looking at a data pad. "You're all here and not in jail. I don't see any broken bones and no one has been set on fire."
"Not yet," The Baroness glared at the others.
"Do I want to know what mayhem you caused?" Destro asked in a tired voice.
"What mayhem? We drove around all day stuck in traffic and the one place we were going to burn down was already on fire!" Cobra Commander threw up his hands.
"Don't forget my laundromat deal!" Mindbender spoke up. "And I got some new socks!"
"Oh Hooray for new socks!" Cobra Commander said in a sarcastic tone. "Let's all rejoice that Mindbender's feet are covered!"
"Actually I'm happy any part of his body is covered," The Baroness sighed. "So what did you do, Destro?"
"Nothing much," Destro shrugged. "Sold some fish filled with pot. Then got involved in a minor drug turf war. We won by the way."
"I see," Cobra Commander remarked.
"I convinced Steve Two to move his growing operation to one of the unused labs down here," Destro went on. "While he was transferring his equipment I made a quick check to see if the police department on this island was taking bribes from the old dealers. They were. We now have protection."
"What happened to the old dealers?" Mindbender asked.
"They either died in the shootout or just fled," Destro waved. "Two had heart attacks. One broke his hip. Another's scooter short circuited by a bullet and zoomed off into the ocean where he got eaten by some sharks. Long story short we are now the main suppliers of weed on this island."
"We are?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Well technically there are three other growers but I talked to them and they agreed to work on their local farms for our benefit," Destro waved. "They were surprisingly reasonable. All I had to do was offer them protection and give them some alcohol. It helped that they were all drunk hippies so…"
"Well somebody had a productive day," Cobra Commander blinked.
"I'm glad someone did," Tomax grumbled.
"That reminds me," Destro picked up a pad. "I also had time to skim the financial reports of that casino the twins own. On this island…"
"Oh you remembered about that?" Xamot gulped.
"You mean we could have sat around in a casino all day instead of being stuck in traffic?" Mindbender snapped.
"I don't believe it! I bet we missed happy hour!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I know. I felt the same way when I realized it too," Destro rolled his eyes. "Anyway as I was saying I checked out the finances and last year the casino made a tidy profit."
"How tidy are we talking about?" The Baroness asked.
"Sixty three million dollars," Destro shrugged. "Would have been more but there were taxes so…"
"SIXTY THREE MILLION DOLLARS AND YOU HAD US SCROUNGING AROUND IN A WOMEN'S BATHROOM FOR MONEY?" Cobra Commander yelled at the Crimson Twins.
"Forget that! We were practically homeless for nearly two years!" Destro pointed out.
"Right that's even worse!" Cobra Commander glared at the twins.
"Somebody's gonna get it…" Steve One chuckled.
"Shut up Steve!" Xamot and Tomax glared at their former minion.
"Do you realize what this means?" The Baroness said.
"We can pay for toilet paper instead of stealing it?" Mindbender remarked.
"Actually I find that rather relaxing," Cobra Commander shrugged. Then he glared at the twins. "In means that all these years the Twins have been holding out on us and that Cobra is no longer broke!"
"Sir, permission to taser the twins until they pass out!" Steve One saluted.
"Permission granted!" Cobra Commander snarled.
"Oh I want to get in on this," Mindbender cackled as he pulled out a small taser.
"You keep a taser handy?" Destro asked.
"For emergencies," Mindbender shrugged. "It's very handy in my line of work."
"I see…" Destro nodded.
"Actually it was also handy in my old line of work," Mindbender went on. "When I was a dentist and had some particularly stubborn patients."
"I'm going to stop you right there and just let you get on with the tasing," Destro held up his hand.
"Yeah the twins should be the ones in pain instead of us!" Cobra Commander pointed to the twins. "Go get 'em!"
"AAAAAHHH! NOT AGAIN!" The twins yelled as they ran from a cackling Mindbender and a gleeful set of Steves.
"So to recap, once again Cobra has a base of operations…" Destro counted off. "Some decent financial funds and contacts…"
"YEEWOWWWWWWW!"
"And the walls are echoing with the sounds of the Corsican Twits' misery," The Baroness grinned. "You know what this means right?"
"WE'RE BACK BABY!" Cobra Commander laughed. "HA HA HA HA HA!"