Three Lizards And A Panda
"Now this is how a terrorist organization should be run!" Cobra Commander cackled as he spread his arms wide. All around him were people in Cobra uniforms working and making deals on telephones in a large office.
"I couldn't believe how many people we were able to get to join Cobra," The Baroness agreed. "I guess the economy is worse than we thought."
"It really says something when a terrorist organization can employ more people than the so called legal corporations," Cobra Commander huffed.
"Yes it has been a long time since Cobra has been this busy," Destro nodded as he followed Cobra Commander into a large conference room.
"For once I think we might actually have a productive meeting," The Baroness agreed as the head Cobras all sat down at a large table in the conference room.
"You know there was a time I thought I'd never see the light at the end of the tunnel," Destro admitted. "But finally Cobra has triumphed!"
"Or at the very least is out of the red," Mindbender nodded.
"I admit I had my doubts too," Cobra Commander said. "But Cobra has been tested…"
"In ways we couldn't even imagine," Destro groaned.
"And we've come out stronger and more resolved than ever!" Cobra Commander finished. "Now let's get this meeting underway. Let's start with you Mindbender. I take it that you are no longer stealing from laundromats?"
"No, and I have finally gotten up a proper laboratory with real assistants!" Mindbender grinned. "My diamond creation machine has been built and is no longer a converted E-Z bake oven and soon more money will roll in. We are already working on several real viable scientific projects that will increase Cobra's power!"
"Excellent!" Cobra Commander beamed.
"And uh by the way," Mindbender coughed. "If anyone happens to see a giant lizard roaming the hallways or the air ducts please give my lab a call."
"You mutated a lizard and it got loose again?" The Baroness snapped.
"Uh technically I mutated three lizards and a panda," Mindbender shrugged. "But only two of the lizards got out."
"Oh great this is going to be like the company luau in 86!" The Baroness groaned.
"Where did you get a panda?" Destro asked Mindbender.
"I had some panda DNA in storage and cloned it," Mindbender waved. "And added a few extras. Oh and another FYI, if you see a talking panda about six feet tall walking around Cobra Commander you are not having delusions."
"Thanks for the head's up," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "Now let's go on to something a little less dangerous with our head of our business organization. Steve One! Which by the way Steve One you should really come up with a new codename…"
"I've been working on that all morning," Steve One said wearing a blue business suit. "How's this…The Capitalist!"
"Uh…too Cold War era," The Baroness blinked.
"Yeah it's kind of dated," Mindbender agreed.
"Okay that's fine, I've got a few others," Steve One said. "How about…Collateral Damage? Huh? That's a good one huh?"
"Ehhh…" Cobra Commander made a shaky motion with his hand. "I get what you're going for but…"
"Why is our former lackey in charge of the business division of Cobra?" Tomax snapped.
"Finances are our job!" Xamot agreed.
"It was your job," The Baroness glared at him. "And look what happened!"
"After what you two tightwad twerps did to us?" Cobra Commander hissed. "You're lucky we don't make you janitors!"
"Your job is security. Deal with it," Destro glared at the twins.
"I've got it!" Steve One spoke up. "Zero Fund! You could call me Zero for short! It's perfect! It's secretive! It's edgy…"
"It describes the amount of brain cells in your head," Xamot folded his arms.
"Good one," Tomax smirked.
"You know what? I do like that," Cobra Commander glared at the twins. "All right as of now Steve One shall be called Zero. Or Zero Fund. Whichever. Makes things a lot easier. Zero Fund report!"
"Oh…All I did today was try to figure out my name," Zero blinked.
"An apt name if there ever was one," Tomax rolled his eyes.
"Hey! It's not like I didn't make sure everything was working before I started you know?" Zero snapped. "I had to get the new accountants settled in. I had to get all the business stuff going…I even had to finish the company newsletter and get it printed on time! That paper doesn't print itself you know?"
"Okay we're just shortening your name to Zero," Cobra Commander sighed. "To avoid confusion here."
"Plus I had to finish writing that contract with that new porno agency and start getting things set up for when they move in!" Zero said. "I had to get them set up in a nice studio, and lights and…"
"Wait now we're working with the Porn Industry?" Destro did a double take.
"Uh yeah," Zero rolled his eyes. "Haven't you been reading the papers? It's too expensive to film out in LA anymore! Plus there's tons of new regulations and stuff that are killing the business in that town! That's why this island is perfect for Sex-A-Tron Productions! Low overhead, fewer regulations, condoms are optional…Just have a few doctor checkups every now and then to make sure the actors don't have any diseases and voila!"
"That is disgusting even by Cobra standards!" Xamot snarled.
"Which admittedly are extremely low!" Tomax nodded.
"Now hang on," Cobra Commander waved. "Maybe Zero is onto something?"
"It is a lucrative source of revenue," Destro nodded.
"There is a market and like it or not Cobra can fufill it," Mindbender agreed.
"I've already made the deal and signed the contracts," Zero nodded. "The first production meeting is next week and we've got some decent talent lined up."
"Now when you say talent…" Cobra Commander looked at him.
"Actresses yes," Zero nodded. "Oh and yes Cobra Commander I've arranged for you and I to meet them and have a say in uh, recruiting talent."
"Zero Fund…You're the smartest hire I've ever made!" Cobra Commander chuckled. Then he looked around the room. "Then again it's not like the bar was raised very high."
"Now wait a minute!" Xamot and Tomax yelled.
"You can't be serious!" Xamot snapped.
"This has to be unanimous!" Tomax agreed. "Baroness…"
"Don't tell me you of all people are going to go along with this!" Xamot finished.
"Well it wouldn't be the first time Cobra has employed whores," The Baroness gave them a look. "But at least these ones will be filling Cobra's coffers instead of stealing them blind!"
"You're never going to let go of that Deming thing aren't you?" Tomax groaned.
"What do you think?" Destro rolled his eyes.
"I warned you years ago about that lying little tramp but did you listen to me? Nooooo!" The Baroness shouted. "As long as the so called 'actresses' aren't underage and willing I have no problem with it!"
"Neither do I," Destro nodded. He looked at Zero. "They're not into child porn are they?"
"Oh no," Zero nodded. "In fact…let's just say a lot of their films go…the other direction of the age scale."
"Old porn?" Tomax wrinkled his nose.
"Hey don't knock all of it!" Mindbender snapped. "Lola La Voom is in her seventies but you'd never know it! Rarrr!"
"Great we're going to be hosting the Betty White of the porn world," Xamot moaned.
"Not all of them are going to be in their seventies," Zero said. "Just a good number of them. That's where the scouting for new talent comes in…"
"So give Zero a break!" Cobra Commander snapped. "He's coming up with new ideas working his fingers to the bone and all you do is criticize him! The man has a company newspaper to run for crying out loud!"
"Wow," The Baroness blinked. "I think we have the winner of the 'Fastest Suck Up' Award at this table."
"Just because Zero is looking after our bottom line doesn't make him a suck up," Cobra Commander pointed at her.
"Actually I was referring to you…" The Baroness gave him a look.
"Perhaps we should press on?" Destro sighed.
"Fine," Cobra Commander sighed. "Destro, what's your status on your department? What exactly do you do again?"
"Besides being your second in command, doing all your actual work and trying desperately to keep this place from burning to the ground?" Destro gave him a look.
"Look I said I was sorry about the fire in your office! It was accidental," Cobra Commander said. "And obviously trying to put out a wastebasket fire with vodka was a very bad idea! Mea Culpa!"
"Well after the little incident…" Destro growled. "I decided to work on some new weapons we can either use or market. Depending on how well they do in testing. Of course I would have gotten more done if it hadn't been for…"
"Again my bad," Cobra Commander interrupted. "I'm not used to the new phone system. I'm sorry I kept calling you every five minutes. I was trying to get an outside line."
"Obviously," Destro rolled his eyes. "Commander what have I told you about those party lines?"
"It's not a regular party phone sex thing!" Cobra Commander said. "It's a specific one for villains! Rescindar gave it to me before we left Australia."
"Who's Rescindar?" Zero asked.
"It's a long story that I don't want to go into…" Destro sighed.
"Nobody wants to go into that story," Cobra Commander agreed. "Baroness why don't you give your report?"
"Marketing is all set up as well as some possible targets for espionage," The Baroness folded her arms. "Human Resources are in full swing. And Vapor has the pot greenhouse up and running as well as today's shipment sent out to our distributors."
"Who's Vapor?" Tomax asked in a confused tone.
"That's Steve Two's codename!" Zero snapped. "It's in the newsletter!"
"Wait didn't we already have a Vapor?" Xamot asked.
"Yes, but he died years ago," The Baroness gave him a look. "Remember?"
"Was he the one who crashed his plane into that mountain while…?" Tomax remembered.
"Yes," The Baroness sighed.
"And I always thought texting while driving was dangerous," Xamot winced.
"He died because he was texting while flying?" Zero asked.
"No, this was before texting," Cobra Commander groaned. "Let's just say Vapor had a habit of bringing other toys into his fighter jet and using them while flying!"
"We're not talking action figures are we?" Zero blinked.
"No!" Everyone groaned at the same time.
"By the way please don't tell the new Vapor how the old Vapor died!" Cobra Commander spoke up. "Don't want to give him ideas. Well I think this has been a productive meeting. For once everything is going Cobra's way and nothing can stop us!"
"Don't say that Cobra Commander," Destro groaned. "Don't tempt the universe."
"What do you mean?" Cobra Commander asked. "Cobra hasn't been doing this well in years! What could possibly happen to wreck it?"
Just then an alarm went off. "Sir! We have a situation in the underground hangar bay!" A soldier's voice came over the intercom.
"We have an underground hangar bay?" Cobra Commander did a double take. "I knew about the underground garage and dock but…"
"You really should take an inventory of the resources this base has…" Destro groaned.
"Oh something to put in my newsletter!" Zero said cheerfully.
"Fine! Put a map of the entire base in it!" Cobra Commander waved. "I don't care! Just who the hell is…?"
They went to the computer at the other end of the room. The Baroness turned on the security footage. "Hey! Let us in you toffs!" Buzzer was shown shouting at some Cobra soldiers.
"Oi! Zartan you said this dump would be deserted!" Torch in his old outfit, hairstyle and beard was shown.
"Oh crap," Cobra Commander groaned.
"You had to open your big mouth didn't you?" Destro glared at Cobra Commander.