Mindbender's Pick Up Service
"Cobra Commander we need to talk about the budget for the month," Destro remarked as he looked at some papers on his desk as the door opened to his office. Then he looked up. "What happened to you?"
"Nothing. Just having a little talk with the cleaning staff," Cobra Commander walked in covered with blood and was carrying an AK47. "By the way we need a new cleaning staff."
"AGAIN?" Destro groaned. "Commander that's the second staff you killed this month!"
"Technically no," Cobra Commander pointed out. "The first one I only accidentally killed two of the cleaning staff and the rest fled. I admit I shouldn't have done my crossbow target practice in the cafeteria."
"What happened this time?" Destro moaned.
"They tried to unionize!" Cobra Commander protested. "Oh don't give me that look Destro it's not like there aren't a billion other illegal immigrants out there."
"Disregarding your even more callous regard for human life than usual…" Destro began.
"Yes, I made sure I didn't kill them in the area that was already clean!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm not stupid enough to make that mistake again! I did it in that service elevator in the back. You know the one that looks like Charles Manson lived in it for a while?"
"Commander…" Destro moaned.
"Oh lighten up Destro. I saved Cobra a lot of money by killing off the staff before I paid them," Cobra Commander waved. "Well maybe not a lot of money but I saved enough for a few bottles of decent scotch! That has to mean something!"
"It will for the prosecution if we get caught!" Destro snapped.
"No we won't. I sent the bodies down to Mindbender. You know how he hates to let any genetic material go to waste," Cobra Commander waved. "So again I made another cost effective measure!"
"Are you ready for the meeting?" The Baroness walked in.
"I was but now I have to deal with another crisis Cobra Commander has brought up," Destro indicated the Commander.
"Oh sure! Blame me for trying to keep us in the black!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Oh by the way," The Baroness said. "I need a new maid."
"What happened to the old one?" Destro said. "And by old I mean the one you got yesterday."
"I terminated her."
"And by terminated you mean…?" Destro began.
"I caught her stealing from my purse and I snapped her neck," The Baroness shrugged. "Terminated."
"See? It's not just me!" Cobra Commander pointed out.
"And I need the cleaning staff to take the body to Mindbender's lab," The Baroness added.
"We don't have a cleaning staff because Cobra Commander killed them all!" Destro snapped.
"Calm down Destro I'm sure Mindbender does some kind of pick-up service," Cobra Commander waved. "I mean he did for me. Then again that elevator goes to the labs anyway. I'm not sure now. I'll give him a call." He picked up his cell phone and started to call.
"Uhhh…Commander? Destro?" Zero knocked on the open door. "We have a problem."
"What? Did someone accidentally kill more of the help?" Destro snapped.
"Uh no," Zero gulped. "One of the accountants is dead."
"Oh for crying out…" Destro put his hands on his head.
"Mindbender does your department do body pick-ups?" Cobra Commander asked in the phone. "You do? Oh that's handy."
"Very handy," Destro groaned. "How did this one die?"
"He ate some yogurt from the break room refrigerator and apparently he was extremely lactose intolerant," Zero said. "So if you could send somebody…"
"Looks like you're going to have a busy schedule," Cobra Commander said to Mindbender on the phone. "There's been a death in accounting as well as the Baroness terminating a maid. Snapped his neck. Yeah I'm not surprised about that one either."
"The good news is that he didn't have any family or anything so we just saved a ton on death benefits and insurance," Zero said cheerfully.
"Well we're just saving money all over the place today aren't we?" Destro threw up his hands.
"What do you mean you'll get to it after you pick up another body in the Greenhouse Department?" Cobra Commander asked on the phone. "Really? Well why was he working on the electrical system while the sprinklers were going on? Oh. I see. They accidentally went on."
"Unbelievable…" Destro groaned. "Now why can't we eliminate our enemies as efficiently as our employees?"
"Uh huh," Cobra Commander nodded. "Really? So you do need all the raw genetic material you can get. Well I appreciate this Mindbender so…"
"Cobra Commander…" Xamot spoke up as he and his brother walked into the room. Wearing bathrobes.
"Hold on Mindbender I gotta hear what stupidity is happening now…" Cobra Commander groaned. "What? Is this a new twist on Casual Friday I don't know about or what?"
"We have a situation…" Tomax began.
"That should be our company logo," Destro frowned. "Who died and how?"
"How did you now…?" Xamot began.
"Just tell us," Destro interrupted.
"You know how some of the new porn stars arrived early?" Tomax winced.
"Yes…" Destro frowned.
"We thought we'd…audition a few of them," Xamot added. "Just a head's up, some of them were not as skilled acrobats as they claimed."
"We were fools to think anyone could be as skilled as Deming when it came to that move," Tomax sighed.
"You two are fools period," Destro groaned. "Commander…?"
"Okay Mindbender you have another pick up to add to your route…" Cobra Commander spoke into the phone.
"There hasn't been this many deaths in Cobra in one day since the ill-fated employee of the year awards of 1997," The Baroness remarked. "When we held them near that volcano."
"To be fair that volcano was dormant for over two hundred and thirty nine years before that weekend," Destro sighed. "I mean the odds were pretty…"
"Commander! Destro! We have a problem!" Monkeywrench shouted as he ran in with Torch.
"For crying out loud it's like a running gag!" Destro barked. "Who did you kill?"
"Nobody. Today anyway," Torch blinked.
"We got a real emergency!" Monkeywrench protested. "We're out of grape soda in the vending machines!"
"Oh heavens no!" Destro said in a theatric tone. "Not the grape sodas! Of all the things to befall Cobra today this is the worst! NOT THE GRAPE SODAS!"
"You're mocking us aren't you?" Monkeywrench frowned.
"How very astute of you!" Destro snapped.
"We had a few incidents with some dead porn stars, dead workers, dead cleaning staff…" Cobra Commander explained.
"Oh yeah. I guess some dead porn stars do kind of trump no more grape sodas," Torch blinked.
"YOU THINK?" Destro snapped.
"Uh Destro, Cobra Commander we have a problem…" Zarana walked in wearing a black evening gown.
"Only one?" The Baroness quipped.
"We know. There's no grape soda in the vending machines," Destro sighed. "Life as we know it is over."
"You don't have to be a jerk about it," Torch frowned.
"Uh yeah I kind of do," Destro gave him a look.
"This is a different problem," Zarana sighed. "You remember those Japanese high rollers that checked into the casino this morning?"
"Yes," The Baroness frowned. "What about them?"
"You remember that discount shrimp and sushi we bought from Vapor's very weird friends?" Zarana asked. "Not a good combination."
"So they're…." Destro began.
"Dead," Zarana told him.
"Of course they are," Destro groaned.
"Hold on Mindbender," Cobra Commander spoke into the phone. "You have another pickup."
"Again why can't we take out our enemies this efficiently?" Destro looked up to the ceiling.