It's All About Management
"I don't know why we didn't get into the casino business sooner," Cobra Commander joyfully counted the money stack on the table in his office. "People pay money for the privilege of losing money! It's brilliant!"
"I must say it's a rather refreshing change to see you in a good mood," Destro remarked as he sat on the other side of the desk drinking some scotch.
"And for those people who don't like to gamble, we get them with the shops, bars and the all you can eat buffet!" Cobra Commander chortled with glee. "And the bowling alley on the second floor! Did you know there was a bowling alley on the second floor?"
"I did," Destro nodded. "Now Commander as much as I hate to sour your good mood…"
"Destro we both know you live to sour my good mood," Cobra Commander gave him a look. "It's your third favorite thing after screwing the Baroness and screwing around behind the Baroness' back."
"Fourth actually," Destro took another drink. "You forgot tormenting Zartan and his Dreadnoks."
"Oh yes. There is that," Cobra Commander nodded. "That is fun isn't it?"
"Nevertheless I feel it is my duty to point out that due to the recent…mishaps of the past few days our profit margin could be slimming as we speak," Destro coughed.
"Relax Destro. The damages have been repaired. The bloodstains are all gone. The bodies are in the lab. And we managed to convince people they were shooting a movie in the bay," Cobra Commander waved.
"Yes but what about the costs for fixing those damages? I still don't have the final figures for that!" Destro snapped. "That alone could cost us a fortune!"
"Trust me. It didn't cost as much as you think it did," Cobra Commander waved. "In fact I was able to get a very good deal on labor."
"You killed the repairmen didn't you?" Destro groaned.
"No, Smarty Pants I didn't! I'm not that short sighted!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We gave them Mindbender's Mind Control gum. Now we have a happy handyman slash really cheap labor force ready to spring into action the minute something gets broken around here."
"Of course," Destro sighed.
"And we all know that's going to happen again," Cobra Commander shrugged. "That's why I prepared for the future."
"Very forward thinking Commander."
"Only two of them were killed and they were accidents," Cobra Commander pointed out. "One was a little too drugged when he was window washing and sort of released his harness."
"And the other?" Destro raised an eyebrow.
"I sent some of them down to help spruce up Mindbender's lab and one of his experiments got loose. You know? Same old, same old," Cobra Commander waved. "Oh calm down Destro. All we have to do is make another run to Home Depot to replace them."
"Oh dear…" Destro sighed.
"FYI…Mindbender gave some of the gum to a few of the better looking porn stars," Cobra Commander grinned. "Works really well with them."
"I thought you were in an unusually good mood," Destro sighed. "So now we're adding white slavery to our repertoire."
"No. Not all of them were white. Two were Asian and one was from some island in the tropics," Cobra Commander huffed. "I'm not racist you know?"
"I am aware of your standards Cobra Commander," Destro sighed.
"Well technically I suppose I am but not by color," Cobra Commander said. "I mean I am literally from another species after all. I'm blue and once I was green for crying out loud. Color doesn't matter that much to me."
"I suppose from your perspective that is a rather idiotic point," Destro said. Then the Crimson Guard Twins walked in wearing their blue business suits. "Speaking of which…"
"All right what happened this time?" Cobra Commander sighed.
"We had a visitor today…" Xamot began.
"From a concerned businessman with ties to shall we say organized crime," Tomax added.
"And negotiations got a bit…" Xamot added.
"Heated," Tomax finished.
"To the point where we have a slight conflict," Xamot finished.
"In other words some Mob boss tried to shake us down and you killed him," Cobra Commander said.
"That is the usual procedure," Tomax shrugged.
"But now we don't know what to do with the body," Xamot said.
"We can't just give it to Mindbender," Tomax added.
"His crew will be looking for him," Xamot finished.
"Okay this isn't hard," Cobra Commander sighed. "How did you kill him? Did you shoot him or…?'
"No, we broke his neck and back," Tomax shrugged.
"What about his bodyguard?" Destro asked.
"He didn't have one," Xamot said.
"He came alone because he thought we were…" Tomax added.
"A group of accountant eggheads or something," Xamot finished.
"Then that makes it easier," Cobra Commander nodded. "You two still have your trapeze set in your room?"
"Yes…" Xamot admitted.
"Get it and a couple of zombie porn stars and take them and the body to a seedy motel on the other side of the island," Cobra Commander waved. "Use the Coconut Bay. That's one of our pot distribution points. Set it all up to make it look like he died a very happy man. Make an anonymous call to one of the cops that are on the take from us and…"
"We got it," Tomax interrupted.
"Rather simple if you think about it," Xamot admitted.
"And we did need to replace that old trapeze set anyway," Tomax sighed. "Too many memories."
"I wish I could forget this conversation," Destro groaned.
"You'd better if the cops come sniffing around," Cobra Commander gave him a look.
"That would be the least of our worries if they come and see you wearing your usual attire," Xamot remarked.
"Oh like you two blend!" Cobra Commander called out as the twins left. "See Destro? Any problem that comes up can be resolved with a calm head and some rational thinking."
"So killing a mob boss and using drugged porn stars to make his death look like a sex depraved accident is rational thinking?" Destro asked. "Good to know."
"Oh don't be so tense," Cobra Commander waved. "Tell you what I'll get you a porn star tonight. That should relax you. You have any preferences?"
"Yes. She must be conscious," Destro gave him a look.
"You always have to be picky don't you?" Cobra Commander gave him a look. Then the Baroness walked in. "All right now what's your problem?"
"Two problems actually…" The Baroness sighed.
"Ah a two for one deal," Cobra Commander nodded. "Proceed."
"First problem," The Baroness began. "There's a problem with the morale in the human resources department."
"What kind of problem?" Destro asked.
"They're having knife fights in the break room," The Baroness remarked. "And no one will clean up after their mess."
"Do I want to know why they are having knife fights in the break room?" Destro groaned.
"There's a few reasons actually," The Baroness shrugged. "Some are angry with their coworkers about petty arguments. Others are sleeping around with other girlfriends or boyfriends. And some are just bored with their lives."
"Sounds like a typical Cobra office to me," Cobra Commander said. "Are you taping the knife fights?"
"Oh yes. They're entertaining but they make a mess in the break room," The Baroness remarked. "And that's causing resentment among some of the other employees which leads to more knife fights…"
"I see the problem," Cobra Commander nodded. "Okay I'm reinstating our Friday Night Fights program. Send a memo around saying all knife fights must be held off until Friday in a new designated area. I'll have my workforce build a new arena underground."
"You might want to have them build a new break room while you are at it," The Baroness remarked.
"Done," Cobra Commander wrote something town. "I'll get the work orders started today. What's the other problem?"
"Remember that inspector that was supposed to come tomorrow?" The Baroness sighed. "The one that checks up on casinos and see if their standards and practices are legitimate as well as the building codes?"
"Yes," Cobra Commander said.
"He came early this morning," The Baroness said. "Now remember Destro you made some contacts with some of your old arms dealer associates?"
"Yes, we put them up for the week in the casino hotel," Destro said.
"Where is this going?" Cobra Commander blinked.
"Did you know those two arms dealers had become bitter rivals lately?" The Baroness asked.
"I was aware of some minor animosity…" Destro said.
"And are you aware they had rooms right across from each other?" The Baroness asked.
"Uh oh…" Destro winced. "Let me take a guess, they were having a little spat and the inspector walked into the crossfire didn't he?"
"The good news is the rooms don't have that many bullet holes in them," The Baroness said. "The bad news is the inspector has a lot of them inside him."
"Is he alive?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Define alive," The Baroness gave him a look. "He's breathing despite missing a lot of his brain but…"
"I get the picture," Cobra Commander winced. "Okay Mindbender's been working on synthoids to replace casino workers and get us some extra soldiers. So what's one little government inspector? Actually if you think about it this could be a plus for us. Have another guy on the inside so to speak."
"On it," The Baroness nodded and started to call Mindbender on her phone. "I take it you want to pull the plug on the…"
"Give him to Mindbender. He loves extra DNA to play with," Destro said.
"True," The Baroness shrugged.
"See it's all about management," Cobra Commander said as the Baroness left. "Taking all the little problems in stride."
"I guess for Cobra a few dozen dead bodies and knife fights in the office are little problems," Destro quipped.
"Commander we have a problem," Zarana walked in wearing her black cocktail dress and diamond earrings.
"Bring it on Zarana! I'm on a roll!" Cobra Commander said cheerfully.
"Remember that bad shrimp that killed off those high rollers two days ago?" Zarana groaned.
"Yes…" Cobra Commander said.
"I found out where it was relocated," Zarana sighed. "To the all you can eat buffet."
"How many died?" Destro groaned.
"Only one and that's because the fatso was allergic to shrimp in the first place," Zarana grumbled. "Really shouldn't have been eating it."
"So it was his own fault. That's not so bad," Cobra Commander waved.
"However a hundred and fifty seven people got sick and there's vomit all over the second floor," Zarana remarked.
"That's bad," Cobra Commander winced. "Is there vomit in the bowling alley?"
"All over the bowling alley," Zarana groaned.
"Ohhhh!" Cobra Commander made an annoyed noise. "And I wanted to go bowling later!"
"Technically you can if you don't mind the smell," Zarana said. "And messing up your bowling shoes."
"I know bowling shoes can be breeding grounds for bacteria but this is too much," Destro winced.
"There's a health inspector on the way," Zarana said. "This could close us down for days!"
"Not to worry! When the health inspector gets here take him to Mindbender, knock him out and get Mindbender to replace him with a synthoid," Cobra Commander went on.
"Do you want me to kill the health inspector or…?" Zarana asked.
"Normally I would but I know Mindbender has been asking for live specimens so…" Cobra Commander shrugged.
"Got it," Zarana nodded as she left.
"And take a memo to the buying department!" Cobra Commander ordered. "No more discount seafood!"