What About The Talking Panda?
"I don't believe this!" Cobra Commander snarled. He glared at the Twins in the conference room. "This is all your fault!"
"How can this be our fault…?" Xamot began.
"When Mindbender and Vapor are in charge of their departments?" Tomax added.
"You idiots are in charge of security!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Of course it's your fault!"
"Losers," Zero was in the room as well grinning.
"It's not our fault!" Tomax snarled.
"Yes it is," Zero said.
"No it is not!" Xamot snarled.
"You're in charge of security. Meaning you're in charge of keeping all the messes secure as well as our buildings safe," Zero pointed out.
"He's right! He's completely right!" Cobra Commander snarled. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! WHY AM I SURROUNDED BY INCOMPETENT MORONS?"
"Oh what fresh hell are we in now?" Destro sighed as he and the rest of the Cobra high command entered the conference room.
"Remember the wild sentient marijuana plants we had to destroy a week ago?" Zero drawled. "We didn't get all of them."
"How…?" Destro began.
"Some of them were small enough to get through the vents," Xamot remarked.
"And they managed to make their way outside," Tomax explained.
"Onto the grounds of the hotel…" Xamot groaned.
"And other parts of the island…" Tomax finished.
"There's already been three attacks on the hotel grounds and two rumors of weird killer plants that make you hallucinate in the local park," Zero groaned.
"Okay yeah it is the Twins' fault," Destro nodded.
"Completely," The Baroness agreed.
"All their fault," Zartan said.
"Typical Crimson Guard incompetence," Mindbender added.
"Bloody morons," Zarana sniffed.
"Can't count on them for anything," Zandar agreed.
"NOW WAIT A MINUTE!" Xamot yelled.
"You lot were supposed to help destroy all the plants too!" Tomax snapped.
"Yeah why do you think they're agreeing with the Commander so fast?" Zero snorted. "But they're not in charge of security. You are. So they are not at fault if they miss one or two…dozen plants."
"Zero is absolutely right," Zartan nodded.
"It was your job to contain them, not ours!" Mindbender agreed.
"I always liked Zero," Zandar admitted aloud.
"No wonder Cobra Commander had to put him in charge of business and finance," The Baroness shrugged. "Seeing how incompetent the Twins are."
"I know! How am I supposed to do any decent experimenting if I can't count on the Twins to keep my subjects contained?" Mindbender asked.
"You can't really," Zartan agreed. "Your job is to make the monsters. Not keep them in line!"
"Exactly!" Mindbender agreed. "And I already have a backlog of work that needs to be done so I can't worry about every little escaped project too!"
"That reminds me is there any information on the giant talking panda?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Yeah apparently he got out by stealing a large overcoat and a hat and mingling in among the guests at the casino," Zartan remarked.
"Just walked right out the bloody front door!" Zarana added. "Way to go you Twin Twerps!"
"It's not our fault!" Xamot shouted.
"We were trying to destroy those stupid mutant weeds!" Tomax added.
"Which you failed to do," Zero said.
"Will you shut your pie hole Steve?" Xamot snarled.
"You shut your pie holes!" Zero snapped.
"Zero's right! Shut your pie holes before I shut them for you!" Cobra Commander snarled. "I swear I don't know why I put up with you two idiots! I really don't!"
"Hey!" Tomax protested.
"You wouldn't even have this base…" Xamot began.
"Or this casino without us!" Tomax added.
"Which you tried to hide from us," Zero began.
"You are such a suck up Steve!" Tomax snarled.
Cobra Commander then slapped Tomax and Xamot across the face. "OW!" The twins shouted.
"You were warned about shutting your pie holes," Cobra Commander remarked. He slapped them again. "That's because you're incompetent. And this is because I feel like it!" Once more he slapped them.
"Ow…." The Twins winced.
"Now that the twins have been properly chastised," Destro drawled as the Cobras sat down. "Can we please get back to the point of this meeting?"
"For that I'll give Zero the floor," Cobra Commander waved. "Take it away Zero."
"See I had a thought," Zero began.
"Stop the presses…" Xamot quipped.
"Zero had a thought," Tomax added.
"Shut it," Zero snarled at the twins before continuing. "Remember a lot of our old weapons and devices? Like the Blizzardinator and other equipment that was confiscated by GI Joe?"
"Yes," Xamot grumbled.
"So what?" Tomax added.
"So why bother to rebuild some of our old weapons and devices if we could just track down where they're being stored and steal them back?" Zero asked.
"That's brilliant Zero!" Cobra Commander beamed. "At least someone around here is doing their job!"
"Kiss up," Tomax grumbled. Xamot made a face.
"But how are you going to find out where the information is stored?" The Baroness asked.
"Uh this little thing called Wikileaks?" Zero gave her a look.
"You don't mean…" Destro was stunned.
"Yeah between that and Snowden's blog pretty much every secret the government has is online," Mindbender nodded. "It was pretty easy to find the building where they moved the backup Cobra files."
"Backup Cobra files?" The Baroness raised an eyebrow. "You mean the information isn't stored at the Pentagon?"
"Not anymore," Zero shook his head. "About twelve years ago almost all the Cobra files the Pentagon had were transferred to another building because Cobra was reclassified as 'almost obsolete' and 'non-essential'," He made quotes with his fingers.
"Okay now that's just insulting," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Yes but that also means Cobra is below the radar which is not a bad place to be," Destro reminded him.
"The main files are of course at the Pit with GI Joe but the copies of the backups were transferred," Mindbender said. "And you will never guess where they were moved to! A secret government building right in Miami!"
"It was so easy to get the address all we had to do was google it," Zero nodded. "And finding the building was a piece of cake."
"You went there already and got the information?" Destro was stunned. "How?"
"Remember my mind control gum?" Mindbender grinned. "I decided a test run in the real world would be practical."
"You didn't…" The Baroness was stunned.
"I did," Mindbender said. "You'd be surprised how many government employees would take anything free."
"Not really," Cobra Commander grunted.
"Pretty smart if you think about it," Zero said. "If it worked we have a government building under our control. If you didn't…Well no one would notice anyway."
"And it did work," Mindbender said triumphantly. "Now we have the exact location of where almost all our surviving experiments and equipment are stored!"
"That's fantastic!" Cobra Commander cackled with glee. "Zero and Mindbender you two have outdone yourselves!"
"So where is this stash of Cobra contraband?" Zandar asked.
"Uh you're gonna laugh when you hear this," Mindbender coughed nervously. "Do you remember our old base in Oklahoma?"
"The one under the chicken restaurant? Yes I remember," Destro remarked. "Vividly."
"To this day the smell of chicken makes me nauseous," The Baroness wrinkled her nose.
"Now remember all those warehouses the next street over…?" Mindbender added.
"You're joking," Destro gave him a look.
"Are you telling me all our stuff was only a block away and…?" Cobra Commander fumed. "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"
He then slapped the Crimson Guards again. "OW!" The Twins shouted.
"What was…?" Xamot began.
"That for?" Tomax finished.
"For not knowing about the warehouses where our stuff was!" Cobra Commander yelled.
"How is that our fault?" Xamot yelled.
"It just is!" Cobra Commander hissed.
"Well what about the Dreadnoks?" Tomax pointed. "They didn't know either!"
"Please! The Dreadnoks can barely find their own shoes much less our equipment!" Destro sneered. He looked at Zartan. "Offense intended of course."
"Yeah but in this case you do have a valid point," Zartan shrugged.
"You're just trying to pass the buck you stupid…" Tomax began.
Which earned him and his brother another slap from Cobra Commander. "Why don't you slap Destro? He's second in command!" Xamot yelled.
"Well that's just stupid," Cobra Commander said. "Destro wears a metal mask. I'm not going to hurt my hand on him!"
"But you are going to wear yourself out if you keep hitting them so may I?" Destro pointed to the twins.
"Knock yourself out. Or better yet, knock them out!" Cobra Commander shrugged. Destro walked over and whacked the twins across the face so hard they fell out of their seats. "Ooh! Good one!"
"Ooh! I want a turn!" Zero spoke up.
"Me too!" Zartan grinned.
"After the meeting," Cobra Commander told them. "Now…How are we going to get our equipment back here?"
"Simple we'll use our private jets to fly down there and then steal some trucks at the airport for transport," The Baroness shrugged.
"We have a small fleet of private jets?" Cobra Commander blinked. "I mean of course we do! All right! Everyone be ready to leave in two hours."
"Why two hours instead of one?" Destro asked.
"I booked a forty five minute massage so…" Cobra Commander shrugged. "What? Those are difficult to cancel! And I'm stressed!"
"You're stressed?" Xamot snapped as he and his brother got up.
"Yes I am! Now if there is nothing else…" Cobra Commander started to leave.
"Uh one more question," Zandar raised his hand. "What about the talking panda that escaped?"
"Oh yeah. That," Cobra Commander groaned. "It wouldn't be good for us if someone captured it or if by some deranged plot twist it managed to find its way to the Joes."
"You think?" Destro gave him a look.
"You want us to uh…" Tomax began.
"NO! I don't want you two idiots to bungle that job again!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Mindbender and I will handle it ourselves!"
"Ooh! Goody! We're going on safari!" Mindbender grinned.
"After we get our stuff back!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Does that go for the weed too? Because uh…" Zero scratched his head. "I seriously wouldn't mind getting in on that hunt."
"Hang on," Zartan realized. "Maybe you could use more people on the weed hunt?"
"Yeah I know for a fact the Dreadnoks would love it," Zandar nodded.
"Yeah okay," Cobra Commander sighed. "Why not? We'll make a day of it."
"I am surrounded by morons…" Destro moaned under his breath.