Look Fashionable For The Apocalypse

"So how long is Cobra Commander going to be in the infirmary?" Zero asked the Cobras sitting around the recreation room.

"Not as long as you would think, unfortunately," Destro sighed. "This is hardly the first time our dear commander has caught on fire."

"And I've pretty much perfected the burn treatment machine so he should be up and about and making us all miserable within a few days," Mindbender waved.

"So we'd better enjoy it while we can," The Baroness agreed.

"Hey have you ever noticed that for years we've been shooting at GI Joe and they've been shooting at us and we never hit each other?" Torch spoke up. "But for some reason Cobra hurts ourselves like crazy?"

"Especially lately," Zero realized. "I wonder why that is?"

"Mocha Rum latte anyone?" Zandar asked. He was standing by a drink machine.

"Ooh I could go for that," Mindbender agreed.

"I prefer a shot of Disorono myself," Destro took out a small flask and added it to his coffee.

"Crème de le coca for me," The Baroness took out her flask. Soon all the Cobras were drinking their doctored coffee.

"This is still so weird for me," Vapor looked at his slightly green arm with claws.

"I told you to go for the robot arm," Zero gave him a look.

"Yeah but I wanted it to be more natural," Vapor admitted.

"Green scales and claws. That's natural all right," Buzzer snorted.

"So now what?" The Baroness asked.

"Business as usual until the Commander is out of the infirmary," Destro shrugged.

"Or…" Monkeywrench spoke up. "We could throw ourselves a kick ass party!"

"It's not the worst idea he's ever had," Zartan admitted.

Destro made a disapproving sigh. "Come on Destro," Torch spoke up. "Don't be a party pooper like usual!"

"Yeah what's the one thing you always wanted to do but Cobra Commander would never let you?" Zero spoke up.

"Well…" Destro admitted. "There is one thing I have to admit but…No, it's ridiculous."

"More ridiculous than our commander being set on fire by unstable living blow up dolls?" Monkeywrench spoke up. "Come on!"

"I know what it is," The Baroness snickered.

"You promised you'd never tell," Destro glared at her.

"What is it?" Zero asked.

"It's not that bad," The Baroness said to Destro.

"I'm not going to do it," Destro grumbled.

"Come on! You know you want to and it's not half as embarrassing as what happened to the Crimson Twits with Deming," The Baroness pointed out.

"Hey!" The Crimson Twins snapped.

"You have a point," Destro shrugged. "I suppose it couldn't hurt."

"What? What is it?" Zartan asked intrigued.

"Well…" Destro began.

Thirty minutes later in that same conference room…

"So don't forget who's taking you home and in whose arms you're gonna be…" Destro sang using the karaoke machine. "So darling save the last dance for me!"

"Damn," Zarana whistled as she took a drink. "He's actually good!"

"Told you," The Baroness agreed as she drank.

"Great. We can't even put this on the Internet to humiliate him," Zartan grumbled as he drank. "With his luck he'd probably win Scotland's Got Talent or something."

"Yes he's doing quite well," Mindbender nodded. "Especially after I put a little something in his drink to loosen him up."

"What?" The Baroness blinked. Then she felt a little lightheaded. "Mindbender what did you…do?"

Everything exploded into rainbows all around her. "Oooh pretty…" The Baroness blinked and started to giggle.

"What the hell is your…problem?" Zarana looked around. "Oi! Who let all those giant butterflies in here? And why do they have the heads of the cast of Arrested Development?"

"Mindbender you….AAAAH!" Zartan jumped and ran on top of a table. "The floor is lava! I'm not kidding the floor is literally lava!"

"Oops," Mindbender blinked. "I think maybe I put a little too much extra encouragement in the drinks."

Torch looked around. Now there were tap dancing alligators dancing around the room.

"Seems fine to me," Torch shrugged. "Not your fault these guys are a bunch of lightweights."

"What are you seeing?" Mindbender asked.

"Tap dancing alligators," Torch shrugged and took another drink.

"Hmm, I was going for pink showgirl crocodiles but close enough," Mindbender took a drink himself. "Oh yeah there they are. Right by the bar."

"Cool. This is gonna be a fun night," Torch grinned as all the Cobras started to freak out.

The following day…

"I have to admit, every now and then Mindbender gets an invention right," Cobra Commander grumbled as he stormed down the hallway. "Of course I wouldn't need my own personal burn unit if his stupid synthoids didn't explode every…"

When he turned the corner he was met with an odd sight. Zarana was using a sledgehammer to knock down walls. "Zarana what the hell are you doing?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Not now Commander!" Zarana snapped. "I gotta find the banana stand! There's always money in the banana stand!"

"O-kaaaaaay," Cobra Commander blinked as she cackled wildly while swinging the sledgehammer. He turned around and went the other way.

He walked past another office with a door open and saw Ripper, Buzzer and Monkeywrench dancing a ballet wearing nothing but pink tutus. "Nothing out of the ordinary here," Cobra Commander remarked before he moved on.

He saw Zero and Vapor doing the tango down the hall. Vapor was wearing a bright green dress. He saw Destro shirtless in another room setting a guitar on fire on his knees doing a Jimi Hendrix impression. Then he saw the Baroness skipping around dancing and laughing.

"Okay the Baroness in a happy mood? Now I'm worried," Cobra Commander grumbled. He went into another room where he saw Road Pig sitting at a desk wearing a suit. "Road Pig what the hell is going on here?"

"Hello, I'm Donald Newsman and this is your five O'Clock news," Road Pig spoke using his Donald persona voice. "Our top story, the economy is collapsing and there's nothing you can do about it."

"That's not all that's collapsing around here," Cobra Commander groaned. "Mostly my will to remain sober."

"For more on this story we go to our roving reporter Tiffany Binklewing," Donald said. "Tiffany how's it going out there?"

Then Road Pig put on a blonde wig. "It's chaos and madness out there Donald," Road Pig spoke in a very feminine voice. "But you can look fashionable for the Apocalypse for just a few dollars and save yourself a lot of money."

"Great, just what we need," Cobra Commander remarked. "Another new personality from Road Pig. If this keeps up he'll be able to do one man dinner theater shows."

"And now we'll go to the weather with Zartan," Tiffany said happily. "Zartan?"

"EVERYTHING IS BURNING!" Zartan screamed. He was crouched naked on a table in the corner. "LAVA EVERYWHERE!"

"Okay I've seen enough," Cobra Commander left the room. "It's the same old news anyway."

"AND NOW THERE'S A SHARKNADO!" Zartan screamed. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

"Why the hell can't I get a decent staff to work for me?" Cobra Commander asked as he walked away. "Is everyone on my payroll a complete and utter lunatic?"

"We represent the Lollypop Guild! The Lollypop Guild!" Mindbender tap danced by him carrying two large lollypops. "We represent the Lollypop Guild! We wish you all a pleasant visit to Mindbender Land!"

"Stupid question…" Cobra Commander moaned.

"Hey Commander," Torch walked by calmly carrying a glass of alcohol. "Nice to see you up and about. You missed one hell of a party last night!"

"Let me take a wild guess," Cobra Commander sighed. "Mindbender drugged you all didn't he?"

"Yup," Torch nodded as he took another drink. "It's got a pretty good kick too."

"Wait if you took the drug too how come you're not acting crazy?" Cobra Commander asked. "And even as I asked the question I realized the answer. You're already crazy!"

"True dat," Torch nodded. "Now if you excuse me Commander I gotta go play some pool with some crocodiles. Or are they alligators? I can never remember," He walked away.

"I'm out of commission for a day and this whole place goes bananas," Cobra Commander grumbled. "This is why I can never retire!"