Resident Idiots Part I
"Now I remember the reason I hate doing any legitimate business!" Cobra Commander snarled as he looked over a large amount of papers in the Cobra Command meeting room. "All this damn paperwork!"
"Ugh why are we having a meeting at this ungodly hour of the morning?" The Baroness walked in slightly hung over.
"It's two in the afternoon!" Zarana snapped as she entered with Zartan, Zandar and the main core of Dreadnoks.
"That's it. No more Green Russians," Destro grumbled as he walked in with Mindbender.
"Oh I'm so sorry to disturb your drunken slumbers," Cobra Commander said sarcastically.
"For your information the only reason we got this inebriated was we entertained those so called business associates you wanted us to meet with!" Destro snarled.
"Oh right. So how did that meeting with the Russian Mob go?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Pretty well," The Baroness shrugged. "Nobody died or got shot. And we both woke up naked in a pile of hookers and beefy Russian guys. For us that's a good meeting."
"Aww you had an orgy and we weren't invited?" Torch asked.
"I wouldn't invite you to…pick something unpleasant," Destro groaned. "Forgive me, my wit seems to be taking the day off. Now I know what it's like to be a Dreadnok."
"Okay fine you two were just doing your jobs," Cobra Commander sighed.
"Being on the job," Zartan quipped. "How fortunate for you Baroness that your career so closely parallels your personal life."
"Bite me Zartan," The Baroness glared at him.
"I don't want to get rabies," Zartan added. "Or whatever venereal disease you picked up."
"Oh shut up the both of you. At least we don't have to worry much about our loan from the Russian Mob for now. Who would have thought that running a casino would be so much trouble?" Cobra Commander groaned. "Oh wait anyone who is in the casino business!"
"Why do we need a loan from the Russian Mob?" Ripper asked.
"Yeah I thought having a casino we'd be rolling in the dough," Torch asked.
"I admit I am a bit confused on that myself," Zandar said.
"Haven't you been paying attention to the news? Casino profits are down all over all place," Cobra Commander snapped. "Thanks to the lotteries, online gambling and states opening up slot parlors all over the place it takes away revenue from the ones that already exist!"
"Atlantic city alone has lost four casinos this year," Destro said. "Going down from twelve to eight. And there may be more. I just heard the Trump Taj Malal is going to close too!"
"Not the Taj Mahal!" Torch gasped. "They have a really good deli there with really good strawberry shortcake!"
"I always liked that place," Monkeywrench said. "Always thought those big white and gold elephants at the doors gave the place class."
"I miss the Trump Plaza," Zarana sighed. "Hey Zartan, remember the weekend we all got blitzed in Atlantic City and you disguised yourself as Donald Trump?"
"That was fun," Zartan laughed. "I went around the place saying 'You're fired' to all the employees!"
"Everyone was crying…" Buzzer snorted. "Some of them got mad and trashed the place! One guy set a whole bunch of important documents on fire! It was hilarious!"
"We cleared out an entire office and robbed 'em blind!" Zarana laughed. "Torch and Ripper even managed to steal one of the slot machines!"
"Only one of the nickel ones," Zandar groaned.
"Correction, a Munster Nickle Slot Machine," Torch spoke up.
"Yeah there's a difference," Ripper agreed. "Those are real collectors' items they are!"
"And they show clips from the show so it's very entertaining to play," Torch added.
"No surprise your affection for that show considering how much it mirrors your real life family," Destro quipped.
"Well you're not wrong there," Torch shrugged.
"Destro remember that weekend we spent at Atlantic City at the Trump Plaza?" The Baroness asked. "We were there…Why were we there?"
"Something about a stakeout or a heist," Destro shrugged. "I don't remember the exact details but I do remember our weekend. We posed as husband and wife wearing face masks."
"You wore the face mask. I just wore a wig," The Baroness said. "But I remember the room was nice and we had a lovely day on the boardwalk. You won me that teddy bear on some game by cheating. Was it darts?"
"It could have been darts. Or some kind of ball throwing," Destro blinked. "But however I did it I know I cheated. So I could get you the bear. So we could stuff it with diamonds. Or was it some kind of microchip with stolen encrypted data on it?"
"It doesn't matter," The Baroness waved. "I mean come on we've done that kind of operation at least a dozen times. But I do remember we had a good time at that restaurant. You know the one with the jungle theme?"
"Oh right! I said let's try it and pretend we're slumming," Destro said. "And I was pleasantly surprised by my dinner. It was very good. And it was rather fun. All those tropical fish and animatronic animals weren't annoying. I mean usually I find those sorts of things annoying but not at this restaurant."
"Yes. And the thunder and simulated rainstorms weren't as bad as I thought," The Baroness said. "They drowned out the noise from other patrons."
"And it was more enjoyable than eating in an actual rainforest," Destro admitted. "And the dessert! I remember the dessert!"
"Volcano!" Destro and the Baroness said at the same time laughing.
"Such a fun night," The Baroness sighed.
"And a good dessert," Destro admitted. "A shame it gave us diarrhea all night."
"That and the Blueberry Schnapps Surprise we drank," The Baroness said.
"The real surprise was for whoever had to clean up our hotel room," Destro snickered.
"And for the hotel when we ran out without paying the bill," The Baroness laughed.
"Ah…" Both the Baroness and Destro sighed wistfully.
"Good times," Destro said.
"Lovely memories," The Baroness said. "Say maybe we should check out that restaurant again?"
"No I think the chain went out of business," Destro sighed.
"Oh what a shame," The Baroness said.
"If you two lovebirds are done skipping down Memory Lane we have crisis on our hands," Cobra Commander snapped.
"I have a story about the Trump Plaza that's really good," Mindbender spoke up.
"We don't care Mindbender," Cobra Commander snapped. "Let's move on shall we?"
"Hey! My story isn't nearly as sappy as theirs!" Dr. Mindbender snapped as he pointed at Destro and the Baroness. "And it has two naked hookers, a drunk naked showgirl and a radioactive lemur!"
"Ooh naked hookers and showgirls," Buzzer's interest perked up.
"Ooh radioactive lemur!" Monkeywrench was definitely interested.
"To be fair that does kind of beat a poop story," Torch spoke up.
"It's not a poop story," The Baroness snapped.
"It ended in diarrhea and made me want to throw up my lunch," Zarana said. "That sounds like a poop story to me."
"No poop in my story," Mindbender said. "A little urine maybe from the drunken giraffe…"
"Drunken giraffe?" Zandar asked. "You didn't say anything about a drunken giraffe!"
"I wanted it to be a surprise," Mindbender shrugged. "That and the exploding pineapples."
"Exploding pineapples?" The Baroness did a double take. "This was during one of your mad scientist conventions wasn't it?"
"Yes. It's how I beat my rival Doctor Brainbuster for Mad Scientist of the Year. Using a tire iron and the exploding pineapples," Mindbender said.
"You have a rival?" Destro did a double take.
"Oh yes. Doctor Brainbuster and I have been at odds for years," Mindbender said.
"Then how come this is the first we've heard of it?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Because unlike some people I don't whine about my personal problems to everyone I meet," Mindbender snapped. "Not that I ever get a word in edgewise. It's GI Joe this and blah blah GI Joe that and occasionally Serpentor blah, blah, blah. Other people have problems with other rivals too you know? Although I do admit I may have started the rivalry a little when I slept with Dr. Brainbuster's nymphomaniac triple jointed sister at that very same convention."
"Damn it. Now I want to hear this story!" Zartan blinked.
"To be fair that does sound better than ours," Destro remarked.
"Fine the next time we're all trapped somewhere for an indefinite length of time Mindbender can tell us the story," Cobra Commander waved. "But for now let's focus on our casino's dwindling profits."
"It can't be that bad. Let me see these statements," Destro took some papers and read them. "Oh God. It is that bad."
"More than half of what we do make goes into upkeep and maintenance," Cobra Commander snapped.
"Only in materials! I use the Nano Zombies to make repairs and to clean everything," Mindbender said. "And now we're using them to replace some of the casino staff."
"Some of the casino staff?" Zarana asked.
"Just the ones serving drinks, and a few office jobs which you have to be brain dead to do anyway," Mindbender said. "I admit the one I put at the blackjack table last week was not one of my better ideas."
"That explains this twenty thousand dollar loss from that table," Cobra Commander looked at some papers. "Mindbender just out of curiosity exactly how many Nano Zombies do we have?"
"About five thousand as of this week. Give or take a few," Mindbender shrugged. "There's always a few accidents in the lab when I'm testing things."
"FIVE THOUSAND!" Everyone else in the room shouted.
"How the bloody hell did you get that many?" Zarana yelled. "We haven't killed that many people!"
"Let's just say I make a lot of trips to Home Depot on the mainland," Mindbender said. "And it's not always just to get some Street Pass Relay for my 3DS."
"We have more Nano Zombies than we do soldiers!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Wait a minute…"
"That we don't have to pay for," Mindbender added. "You're welcome!"
"Mindbender you're brilliant!" Cobra Commander proclaimed. "Five thousand Nano Zombies we can turn into soldiers for Cobra!"
"You want Cobra to have an undead army?" Destro did a double take.
"They're not all undead," Mindbender snapped. "Most of them are just mostly dead. Or half dead. A few were never dead. Those are the ones I got from Home Depot. Just inject some nanites with the right programming and zap! Free will goes out the door and I get a lot of people to clean the floor."
Everyone looked at Mindbender. "And as you know there's a lot of blood and mess on my lab floor," Mindbender went on. "Just saying."
"It's brilliant in its simplicity," Cobra Commander said. "Oh I have an idea! All we have to do is inject the entire military forces of the United States and Cobra will rule this country! Ha ha! GI Joe will become our personal hit squad! I love it!"
"Sure I'll get on that by Tuesday," Mindbender groaned. "It takes time to program these things Cobra Commander! There's still a few bugs in the system!"
"Can't we just start with a smaller army and go from there?" Buzzer asked. "You know like Guam or Uruguay?"
"You have a point," Cobra Commander thought. "We should start small and work our way up to the big leagues. And I hear Uruguay is lovely this time of year."
"AAAAH!" Zero ran into the room and slammed the door shut behind him. His clothes were slightly ripped and torn and he was sweating.
"Zero! You're late! And why do you look like hell?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Uh we have a problem," Zero gulped.
"Another one?" Destro quipped.
"Yeah it's kind of a big one," Zero said. "Uh Mindbender you know that basic control program you uploaded into the Nano Zombies? The one that keeps them under Cobra's control?"
"Yes what about it?" Mindbender asked.
"It kind of got a little corrupted," Zero gulped. A bloodcurdling scream was heard from a distance. "Okay a lot corrupted."
"What?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I think I'd just better show you what's going on," Zero turned on the surveillance systems. "As you can see these are showing what's going on in all the surveillance systems throughout the hotel. As you can also see all the Nano Zombies are kind of running amok."
"Kind of running amok?" Destro yelled as he saw the sight of Nano Zombies running around the hotel chasing people.
"Yes they're running around but they're not wrecking anything or biting people so technically it's not full amok," Zero explained.
CRASH! SMASH!
"Okay now some of them are smashing craps tables and vending machines," Zero said. "Oh and as you can see from footage of the restaurant some of them are eating all the food and drinking the alcohol."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"Oh and that zombie just bit that one guy," Zero said. "He's not eating him he's…Oh. Oh that's a bit disturbing."
"Is it just me or is that zombie making out with that guy he bit?" Torch blinked. "And the guy he bit is making out back."
"It's happening Torch," Buzzer said.
"Oh good. Sometimes I get zombie hallucinations during the day so I'm not always sure what's real and what's not," Torch said.
"Okay just so we're all clear on the concept those Nano Zombies can transmit nanites into other people by transmission of bodily fluids right?" Monkeywrench asked.
"That is correct Monkeywrench," Mindbender said. "And biting and making out with someone are definitely examples of bodily fluid transmission if you were wondering."
"I was. Thank you for anticipating my next question," Monkeywrench said. "So basically we have a zombie outbreak in our hotel."
"I'm afraid so. Okay now the zombies are officially running amok," Zero said.
"Oh you know this problem isn't just going to go away by itself," Cobra Commander sighed.