Jared watched her talking. He noted the little things. 'and now he has a girlfriend….and I don't want to step on toes.' What was she saying? Had she wished she was his girlfriend? … no, I am just being paranoid, he told himself. But then there was the way she avoided eye contact, the way she fidgeted with her hands, chewed her lips and seemed to almost skim around some questions. He figured pretty easily that there was more there. More to this Street and her than she was willing to divulge right here and now. The question he was asking himself was should he ask though? Push her to open up a bit? Or let it slide until they have spent more time together. He couldn't help himself but probe a bit more, lightly of course.
"Kind of bullsy, dating the boss's daughter? Am I wrong to get the impression he is a bit of a hot shot?"
Chris laughed and remembered the day Luca had said just that. That Street was ballsy.
"Or maybe just stupid," She chuckled. "But who am I to judge? My life isn't exactly perfect."
Jared gave her a look.
"What?" She laughed, "I'm not throwing a pity party, I'm just saying."
"Ok, you said before you were stuck in a rut when you came to Virginia, but why do I feel like some of that rut, or that angst was related to this Street friend."
Chris tilted her head. She should have known as a cop he would pick up on that. She nodded slowly chewing her food.
"Well, kind of." She continued pointing her fork in the air. "It's actually kind of ironic. When he came to SWAT 3 years ago, he was exactly like you pictured. A hot shot, egotistical, womaniser. Or at least that is how I saw him at first, until the team uncovered some layers to him. His mum, his dad, the foster care he grew up in, the fact that from a shitty start to life he had managed to make something of himself. He had a rough year the 2nd year. His mother was released from prison and through a series of unfortunate events got him kicked off SWAT."
"Wow, really?" Jared nodded taking some of his food.
"Yeah, I helped him get back on track and sort his shit out. Stop the womanising, focus on SWAT training etc. And it worked. He made it back and was on the right track."
"So where does this get ironic?" He answered as he took a drink.
"Well, see he was the screw up, I was the one helping him, guiding him and stuff... and then, after my last long-term relationship ended, I started to be the one who was slipping and felt like the screw up. No, I didn't get kicked off SWAT, but stuff wasn't going how I pictured in my life. I was living in my uncle's garage, with no partner, hardly seeing friends, working my guts out and then I missed out on a special selection that Street got chosen for and it was hard, I then felt like the failure. I felt like we had switched rolls. I was now the screw up and his life was cruising. The new selection, the perfect girlfriend and just having all of his shit together, you know."
"Yeah, I suppose, but Chris, you were chosen over him to go to Virginia. That's huge. You were the only LAPD officer selected. So?"
"Yeah, and that's part of where my luck turned. I moved out of my uncle's garage, picked myself up so to speak, went to Virginia, and then," She smiled at him. "Met you."
As they wandered out to their cars, Chris had to admit that it felt good getting this off her chest. She just hoped that Jared would understand and not flip out about any of it. She had learnt from experience that it is better to be honest straight up than keep things from people. She had held back those feelings from Street after that kiss, and well look how that all played out. She ended up losing him, almost completely.
Jared paused as they approached his truck. He reached out and took both her hands.
"I hate that I am leaving Chris. I wish I could stay a few more days." He said looking down at her sweetly.
"I know, me too. It feels like we are just starting to really get to know each other and then you will be gone again." Chris said as she put her arms around him and hugged him. He smiled and kissed the top of her head.
"I will only be a call away, and I will come back as soon as I have a few more days off."
Chris felt tears building. This goodbye was so bittersweet. Him leaving was making her almost want to gush out how she felt about him, but it also hurt that he was gunna be hundreds of miles away again. She fought back the tears and slowly looked up at him as he brushed her hair back with his fingers and spoke,
"Thanks for letting me in today too. I see that you don't like to talk about your feelings and personal stuff, but you gave back." He said watching her eyes start to smile, but then there was that glimmer of doubt as she dropped her head.
"There is more Jared." She whispered.
"Hey, of course there is Chris? I didn't expect to know all of your secrets in 3 days," he laughed.
"Yeah," she nodded and hugged him again.
"Is there something you want to tell me? I sense something is bothering you." He asked undoing the door of his truck and motioning for her to sit on the step.
"I just, don't want to hide things from you and for this to be an issue later. I want this to work."
"Hey, so do I." He said sitting next her and kissing her hand. "So, let's go, get it off your chest." Chris inhaled and gave herself that inner pep talk to get this out.
"Today, that guy you met. Street." She began looking at him.
"Yeah?" He said slowly.
"There's stuff you should probably know." She said as the shame filled her insides.
"Okay? What is it?" Jared asked quietly. Part of him really dreaded her answer. He had already kind of worked out that it was likely something had happened between them once, but he wasn't sure he really wanted to know. He looked from his own hands back to her. She was looking at her feet, before she drew her gaze up, and turned her body to face him.
She was still trying to form the words in her head when he briefly closed his eyes and asked.
"Are there feelings for him involved here or something?" and there it was the moment she had to be 100% transparent. She knew this had to happen if she wanted Jared to really know her and for any of it to have a chance of becoming more.
"Yes," She nodded as she reached out and interlocked her fingers with his, "I mean there were, but it is past tense now Jared." She paused and watched him.
"Okay," he took a breath in and rubbed her fingers with his other hand. "Do you want to tell me about it? Was he the relationship you spoke about?"
Chris chuckled surprised. "No, No Street and I never dated." She laughed. "Although, when he first came to SWAT, he did hit on me almost every shift." She smiled remembering those times. God, he got under her skin. "But that was only until I spoke with him and explained that I don't date cops and why. Soon after that, he came to actually respect me more and we grew into friends."
"Okay," Jared encouraged, wondering where this was going.
"I was initially attracted to him, don't get me wrong, but I was not breaking my rule. I was a different girl back then, focused on being the best SWAT officer, regimented lifestyle, keeping my cards close, you know." Chris stopped and swallowed hard. This was where she needed to decide if telling him the truth, the whole truth about that kiss was what she had to do.
"Chris?" He moved a bit closer. He could tell that this was hard for her. "If this is too much, please stop and we can talk about that stuff later, I'm not trying to pressure you."
"No, Jared. I have learnt that if I want things to work, we both need to be 100% honest upfront. So, I am. You might not love this next part though," She dropped her head ashamed. "One night after Street had had a rough time with his mum, and I had had a moment of clarity about the relationship I was in and how it wasn't working out I went to talk to him. We talked, laughed and drank a lot, and as I went to leave, I caved to how I felt about him, and I kissed him." She paused looking up at Jared.
He smiled a sad smile with a nod and rubbed her back. "Okay, but that doesn't seem disastrous. I mean I have kissed people before that maybe I shouldn't have too, so what am I missing?"
"After that kiss I pushed him away, like right away. I cut him off completely. I told him we can't be friends anymore. I shattered him. Broke his heart. I mean Jared, he came to me after that kiss and told me how he felt. That he wanted something, and I ran away. I was beyond cruel and awful to him. I am a horrible person."
"Chris, you are not. I admit the situation wasn't ideal. But explain it to me, did you push him away because you were scared?" Jared asked.
"Yeah, I guess. I mean I was still in that relationship when I kissed him. I cheated on them." She said with pain in her voice. "And that haunts me every damn day." She again dropped her head and looked away. He watched her and saw her shudder. He knew she was crying, and as caught off guard as he was by that he continued to stroke her back.
"Hey, come on, Chris. I get it. It's not that bad. You are not an awful person."
She scoffed and shook her head. "Yes I am." She sobbed. "Why would you want to be with a cheater like me?" and with that he reached out and wrapped her up in a sweet embrace.
"Because you are amazing. Yes, we all make mistakes, no one is perfect 100% of the time. This doesn't change how I feel about you Chris. I am falling for you, please don't push me away too." He whispered.