Little Johnny Switchblade

"All right everyone! Time for another meeting!" Cobra Commander entered the meeting room where his high command was. "And I know what you're thinking but this time this meeting will be different!"

"You mean we will actually accomplish something?" Destro asked in a bored voice.

"Not only that, I'm having this meeting catered," Cobra Commander clapped his hands. Some Cobra soldiers walked in with trays of drinks and appetizers and wheeling in some carts filled with food.

"All right! About time we got some decent grub around here!" Zero cheered gleefully. "You did read one of my suggestions!"

"Yeah well," Cobra Commander took a drink from a glass using the straw in his helmet. "Normally my first instinct is to burn a suggestion box but you caught me on a good day. Some of those suggestions were actually amusing. Except of course for the one that wanted me to retire…On the moon! If I ever find out which one of you put that in there I will personally enact on it and send you there!"

"Was it written in crayon?" Destro asked casually as he nibbled on an appetizer.

"Yes, how did you know?" Cobra Commander asked.

"It was probably a Dreadnok," Destro shrugged.

"What? My Dreadnoks would never…" Zartan began. "Who am I kidding? I'm amazed one can write a suggestion at all!"

"Now that I think about it there were a few spelling errors as well," Cobra Commander growled. "Moon was spelled with three o's!"

"There you go," Destro quipped.

"Okay new item on my to do list for the day," Cobra Commander growled. "Find a way to torture the Dreadnoks."

"But you don't know which one wrote the note," Zero pointed out.

"Does it really matter?" The Baroness chuckled as she took a drink.

"She has a point," Tomax shrugged.

"So why the festivities Cobra Commander?" Xamot asked.

"Yes I'm curious as to the real reasons why you've become so generous myself," Destro remarked.

"What? Since when is there an ulterior motive for me to provide food and drinks for everyone?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Since the last time you provided food and drinks for us when we learned that our former emperor who had been turned into a lizard was also turned into a breakfast casserole," Destro remarked.

"Oh that," Cobra Commander waved. "Water under the bridge."

"More like hanging out in the water closet that smelled like it was under a bridge near a sewer factory…" Mindbender moaned.

"Yes well this time I have provided food for an actual celebration," Cobra Commander explained. "And also for the fact that I finally realized that these meetings would be much more tolerable if I was slightly buzzed."

"Again a very valid point," Tomax remarked.

"Now I know the past few weeks have been slightly bumpy what with the zombie revolt and the sentient pot plants running amok and the fires…" Cobra Commander began. "Not to mention the Dreadnoks interesting little idea of having a water polo tournament in some of the offices…"

"Interesting!" The Baroness snapped. "My office already has mold growing in it! And I suspect the origin of it wasn't necessarily from the water!"

"My office will never be the same again…" Destro moaned. "And I actually had some nice furniture in there for once!"

"Nevertheless…" Cobra Commander spoke up. "Today we are turning a corner. Some of our long overdue projects have finally come into fruition! First of all, sales from our new DVD series have started to come in and they are looking very promising!"

"What DVD series?" Destro asked.

"I'm glad you asked!" Cobra Commander showed him.

"Ultimate Knife Fights," Destro looked at the cover. "Oh for the love of God…"

"What? They have wrestling matches and boxing and mixed martial arts matches? Why not legitimize the time honored tradition of knife fighting?" Cobra Commander asked cheerfully.

"This is ridiculous…" Destro snapped. "Commander you can't sell knife fights on DVD!"

"I know, it's a dying medium but it still has some life in it!" Cobra Commander shrugged. "Besides I'm negotiating deals for live streaming. This is only the best of edition. There are some really good ones in there…"

"Commander is that you on the cover?" The Baroness looked at the DVD and did a double take.

"That's right!" Cobra Commander said cheerfully. "I'm the official sponsor and announcer of the World Knife Fighting Federation!"

"So you want to be the Vince McMahon of knife fighting," Destro gave him a look. "I was going to ask how realistic these fights are…"

"Only some of the matches are fixed," Cobra Commander waved. "I'm not going to kill off all my good talent! Not if I want to build a good stable of merchandisable fighters I can make millions off of."

"Featuring Stabby McStabberson vs. K-Nife," Mindbender read from the back of the DVD. "Chuck Cross Vs. Three Fingers. The Big Brute vs. Zom-Bor…Big Brute Vs. Bride of Zombor…"

"I found a couple of Nano Zombies we didn't destroy so…" Cobra Commander shrugged. "Why let them go to waste?"

"Mike 'Metaltooth' McKesson vs. Mr. Fluffy…" Destro read another one.

"That was a good match," Cobra Commander snickered. "I don't want to give anything away but the fur was really flying that day!"

"Torch Verses the Man Eating Plants?" Zartan barked.

"Okay that one I just used some security footage," Cobra Commander waved. "More of a filler piece really. Just something for the fans to have fun with."

"I do get royalties from this right?" Zartan asked.

"Yes! You'll get something!" Cobra Commander huffed.

"I think we're all going to get something," Destro groaned. "A fine by the FCC!"

"Oh please! I've already made some concessions to appease the stifling zealotry of overprotective parents," Cobra Commander waved. "The rules specifically state no stabbing or slashing above the neck! God forbid little Johnny Switchblade accidentally pokes someone's eye out!"

"Little Johnny Switchblade verses Cry Baby Malone?" The Baroness read some more of the cover. "Cobra Commander you have children fighting on this DVD?"

"Only in the minor leagues matches," Cobra Commander waved. "Have the folks see some new up and coming talent…Don't look at me like that. The kids all have to wear face masks and have some padding on their knees. I'm not completely irresponsible!"

"I fear this DVD is evidence to the contrary," Destro moaned. "Evidence that could be used against us in a court of law."

"Destro that ship sailed years ago when we stole the Eiffel tower," Zartan scoffed. "A little late for that!"

"And there are actually people sick and depraved enough to buy this?" The Baroness asked. "And as I ask the question I realize the answer."

"I know! Isn't it a wonderful time to be alive?" Cobra Commander said cheerfully. He picked another DVD from a tray. "And that's only the beginning! This DVD set is already outpacing the Knife Fights one!"

"The Real Housewives of The Knife Fighting Federation," Destro read the title. "Congratulations Cobra Commander. I didn't think it was possible for you to get any lower. But you have topped yourself."

"I admit it. This is some of my best work," Cobra Commander said proudly. "This series has it all. Gorgeous women in luxurious settings. Exotic locals! Love triangles! Sex scandals! Backstabbing…both figurative and literal."

"Dear God…" Destro moaned. "Now I know what it's like to be an executive at the Bravo network."

"And that's not all…" Cobra Commander took out another DVD.

"There's more to this depravity?" Xamot asked.

"Commander we love unbridled greed and capitalism…" Tomax began.

"Just as much as anyone else but still…" Xamot groaned.

"This one is great! Knife Fighting ER Emergency Room! Under the Knife!" Cobra Commander beamed. "I'm telling you the possibilities are endless!"

"What no animal fights or bimbos fighting each other in bikinis with knives?" The Baroness snapped.

"Already a feature in the first video and duh, I just showed the DVD of the Real Housewives of Knife Fighting Federation!" Cobra snapped.

"You have animals fighting on video?" Mindbender asked.

"Really Angry Cat verses Tarantula Dog," Cobra Commander said. "Didn't go the way we thought. They attacked the camera man instead of each other. More like a blooper reel than anything but hey! Not gonna waste film."

"That is a matter of opinion," Destro grumbled.

"Anyone else want a drink?" Zarana poured herself one.

"YES!" Everyone said and took one.

"So as you can see this is a great start to our meeting!" Cobra Commander said cheerfully. "And that is only the beginning of how Cobra is bouncing back!"

"Oh joy. There's more," Destro took another drink. "I have to admit Commander, providing alcohol at our meetings is not that bad an idea."

"Should have done this years ago," Zandar grumbled.

"Which brings me to my second topic," Cobra Commander said. "Now despite the minor setback we had, our sales of Python's Peak pot have started to grow steadily in Colorado and wherever other legal sales of marijuana are sold. In fact the decrease in product has ironically increased our sales. The whole supply and demand thing. Which means we are now charging a fortune for what little pot we have to produce!"

"There's such a thing as gourmet marijuana?" The Baroness asked.

"Apparently," Cobra Commander shrugged. "And it didn't help that I had the ear of some well-respected online pot critics to really talk up our product online. By the way remind me the next time I see Venom and Ripper to thank them."

"Those two are…?" The Baroness asked.

"Technically only Venom is," Zartan sighed. "Ripper just pretended to be one online. Don't ask."

"And now we are branching out!" Cobra Commander took out a bottle of wine. "Cobra's Coils wine!"

"We own a winery?" Xamot asked.

"That's news to us," Tomax was surprised.

"Not as much as a winery as a wine substitution brewery," Mindbender coughed.

"Wine substitution brewery?" Destro gave him a look. "Oh dear God you've got Mindbender making this concoction!"

"That bloody lunatic is making your wine?" Zarana yelled.

"No way am I drinking that!" Zartan spoke up.

"Look we all know that wine is only fermented grape juice," Mindbender waved. "I made a machine that speeded up the process then times faster and voila! Four out of five Dreadnoks passed out from it! That's good enough for me!"

"Normally that would be for myself as well…" Destro sighed. "But let's stick to more practical matters. So you buy grape juice and put it into Mindbender's contraption and pass it off as wine?"

"Not as much buy as acquire," Cobra Commander admitted.

"That explains what Road Pig was doing the other day with a truck full of grape juice," Zarana realized. "To be fair I thought he was just going on a drink run."

"Our first batches of Cobra's Coils have already hit the market and hopefully the reviews will be glowing!" Cobra Commander said proudly.

"More like flaming if I know the Dreadnok's taste," Destro sighed. "You didn't pour any of that stuff for us to drink did you?"

"God no!" Cobra Commander snorted.

"Good," Destro took another drink.

"Uh Cobra Commander?" Torch's voice was heard. "We have a problem."

"We do," The Baroness groaned. "Those idiots know there's food here!"

"Commander we kind of…" Torch walked in with the other Dreadnoks. However they seemed to be glowing somewhat brightly. "Cor! What's with all the food?"

"Hey! You blokes having a party without us?" Ripper asked.

"Well it was fun until you got here," Cobra Commander snapped. "And what the devil is going on with you lot? You're lit up like a Christmas tree!"

"Yeah uh we think something happened in that wine you and Mindbender made us drink that made us glow like this," Monkeywrench frowned.

"WHAT?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Oh yes that should probably not have happened," Mindbender frowned. "Hmmm…Maybe there was a leak in the radioactive….?" To this Mindbender was cut off by Cobra Commander's screaming.

"Look at the bright side Cobra Commander…Well…" The Baroness chuckled.

"Yes we could always simply use the Dreadnoks as lamps," Mindbender remarked. "Save ourselves a fortune in electric bills!"

"YOU COST ME A FORTUNE MIND-BUNGLER!" Cobra Commander shrieked as he threw his glass at him. Mindbender ducked. "AND YOU DREADNOK DIMWITS! I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THE LOT OF YOU!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Mindbender and the Dreadnoks ran for their lives away from Cobra Commander who had taken out his gun and started shooting wildly.

"Come back and die like men you mice!" Cobra Commander screamed as he chased after them.

"Great. We're going to have to clean this up!" Zarana groaned. "Again!" She and her brothers ran after Cobra Commander.

"The Commander was right," Tomax quipped.

"This meeting was better than usual," Xamot grinned as the twins clinked glasses in celebration.

"By the way…" The Baroness remarked. "Nice touch with the crayon and the misspelling on the suggestion note."

"I thought so," Destro smirked.