A Pyromaniac Mink Milker
"Well there they are," Mindbender remarked as he walked in with the Crimson Twins into a large empty bar. Destro and Zartan were sitting in chairs at the bar drinking. "What are you two doing? Isn't there a meeting we're supposed to be at?"
"We are, but we don't want to go," Zartan sighed as he took a drink. "It's one of the Baroness' things about gender equality and all that crap. I thought I'd better hide before she pulled out the whips. Then I discovered Destro down here. And I thought…Who would know better to hide from the Baroness than him?"
"Good point," Xamot remarked as the men went to the bar and started grabbing drinks for themselves.
"So what do we do now?" Tomax asked. "Besides drink I mean?"
"I was just thinking about my life and wondering where I went wrong," Destro sighed as he took a drink.
"What's going on?" Cobra Commander walked in. "What the hell are you idiots doing now? Besides drinking up all the good whisky?"
"And there it is," Destro groaned.
"I'm going to ignore that and move onto something more important. Pass the whisky I need a drink," Cobra Commander snapped.
"Here you go," Zartan passed him a bottle.
"So what is this meeting of the mindless about?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Nothing. Just sitting here in the bar and drinking," Mindbender shrugged.
"Sounds good to me," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Hey even terrorists need a break every now and then."
"Every now and then?" Zartan asked. "Cobra Commander you have eight meals a day and almost all of them consist entirely of liquids."
"Only seven meals," Cobra Commander corrected. "I cut out my mid-morning break because it was interfering with my lunch. Turns out breakfast shakes with vodka in it fill you up pretty fast and can add on the pounds."
"How many vodka filled diet milkshakes do you drink?" Mindbender asked.
"Five or six. And they're regular milkshakes not diet," Cobra Commander said. "What? I can't stand the taste of diet milkshakes."
"I thought your uniform was looking tight on you lately," Mindbender remarked.
"At least I wear a uniform!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Destro you seem even more sullen than usual. I'm asking what's wrong because honestly I have nothing better to do. And I figure this is a good way to kill time as well as brain cells."
"You never think about the past and wonder about…you know?" Destro sighed. "What if things were different? If you hadn't done some actions…Or in some cases some people?"
"Oh yes. But whenever I do I take this magical elixir that makes all those doubts and memories go away," Cobra Commander sipped his drink through the straw in his helmet. "See? Works like a charm!"
"I sometimes think of the past as well. In particular Agatha Muggullen," Mindbender sighed.
"Who?" Destro asked.
"She was my first girlfriend. Back in high school," Mindbender explained. "President of the Science Club. Chess champion. Straight A student. Mink milking champion and breeder. She had it all."
"Really?" Destro raised an eyebrow. "I'm not going to ask for details, for so many reasons…Just curious. Where did it go wrong?"
"Well…Agatha was very competitive," Mindbender sighed. "And she had a rival. Berta Higgenlooper. One day that competition went a little too far…"
"What happened?" Destro asked. "What did you do?"
"Not what I did," Mindbender explained. "Agatha set the school on fire while trying to destroy Berta's science fair project. And because I wouldn't help her she dumped me!"
"Wait you got dumped because you had scruples?" Zartan was surprised.
"It was a long time ago! I wasn't always the freethinking slightly psychopathic genius I am today!" Mindbender protested. "Remember? I was only a humble dentist before I evolved after using some of my experiments on myself!"
"That does explain a few things about you," Destro remarked. "What machine were you working on again?"
"I was trying to find new ways to alleviate pain and suffering in my patients by using special neurotic pulses in certain areas of the brain," Mindbender said. "I know right? What was I thinking? Ha! So glad I grew out of that phase!"
"We're not," Xamot groaned.
"Plus as it turned out Berta was a way better kisser than Agatha was," Mindbender added. "No retainer to get in the way."
"Wait you went to Berta after Agatha?" Zartan asked.
"Why not? Agatha dumped me and was in jail," Mindbender shrugged. "I was a free man. And once the new skin grafts healed Berta became quite the looker. Her new nose was a work of art."
"Really?" Destro sighed.
"Little tip gentlemen," Mindbender grinned as he took a drink. "Burn unit patients are surprisingly grateful for just the right amount of attention."
"That does explain some of your dating habits," Cobra Commander groaned. "To this day you're the only man I know who cruises emergency wards to pick up women!"
"My theory, the more damaged they are…The better my chances," Mindbender grinned.
"What about you Destro?" Tomax asked. "Who was your first serious girlfriend?"
"My first girlfriend was Colleen McScabberton," Destro spoke up.
"Let me guess, she was a scullery maid and you were the lost lonely boy who no one understood," Cobra Commander asked. "Except of course your parole officer."
"No, she was from a wealthy family as well," Destro gave him a look. "And we first met when we were six. We grew up together. When we became teenagers it was assumed that one day we would get married and our two families would unite and become the most powerful land owning family in Scotland. And we were two crazy kids in love at the time so…"
"So what happened?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Well it wasn't exactly one thing that broke us up," Destro admitted. "It was a lot of little things. She wanted to go to a different college than I did and get her degree. I wanted to travel the world a little bit. Expand my horizons…"
"Translation: You cheated on her every chance you got," Cobra Commander said.
"Not at first," Destro admitted. "I was young and naïve and had no idea how helpful being rich was in getting laid. But once I figured that out…Oh man did I have a fun summer after I graduated high school!"
"And I take it the fair Colleen was not happy with your new outlook on life," Zartan scoffed.
"Well no," Destro sighed. "She also wasn't happy that my father bankrupted her father and managed to legally steal her family's land. Of course this made her family broke and lost their servants which my mother and aunt poached. As well as stealing some of their silverware…"
"So basically it was kind of the last straw?" Mindbender asked.
"Technically the last straw was when she caught me making out with her cousin after my father was caught making out with her mother," Destro added. "That was a rather embarrassing funeral."
"Funeral?" Zartan asked.
"Her father committed suicide," Destro explained. "We all went to the funeral…My mother was passed out drunk in the vestibule. My father was horny…And Colleen's cousin looked really good in black and…"
"We get the picture," Cobra Commander remarked.
Destro sighed. "The last I saw of her was the police dragging her away after she tried to shoot me and my father with a crossbow. I wonder what happened to her? I mean I know she didn't go to jail. We dropped the charges. It was the least we could do."
"The very least," Tomax remarked.
"That sort of sounds a little bit like my first love," Zartan admitted. "Adrianna Del Mandrago. She came from a very wealthy family and had a summer house near the swamp I lived in. I was just a boy then. A young foolish sixteen year old lad that occasionally skimmed the scum out of her pool. But she was amazing. Italian. Taught me the language that summer. And so many other things. To this day she was one of the greatest lovers and one of the most beautiful women I had ever known."
"Aww that story is so sweet it almost gave me diabetes," Cobra Commander said sarcastically.
"I think it's romantic!" Mindbender snapped.
"You dated a pyromaniac mink milker! Of course you would!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Ignore him. So what happened?" Mindbender asked.
"Well it was wonderful but as you know, such love affairs don't last," Zartan sighed. "Needless to say her family didn't approve."
"Oh, her father didn't approve of you?" Mindbender asked.
"No. It was her husband," Zartan corrected. "She was forty five at the time but she looked amazing! Like in her twenties amazing! And this was way before Botox and implants so…"
"Moving on," Destro turned around. "Crimson Twins you're up. Who was your first?"
"May and June Burkel," Tomax said.
"They were Siamese twins at the circus we worked at," Xamot added.
"Didn't last too long however," Tomax remarked.
"They thought we were too close as brothers…" Xamot explained.
"And said we were a little creepy," Tomax finished.
"Coming from two women who probably shared a liver that's saying something," Cobra Commander scoffed.
"Speaking of creepy…" Xamot gave Cobra Commander a look.
"What about your first girlfriend Cobra Commander?" Tomax asked.
"This should be interesting," Destro remarked.
"Well…Keep in mind Cobra La society is a little different than human society in its social mores," Cobra Commander explained. "We don't have girlfriends or boyfriends or go on dates. We have arranged marriages within acceptable social circles and based on comparative genetics. At a very young age all Cobra La children are genetically mapped and put in a database to help find the appropriate partner when they grow up to produce quality offspring."
"Really? Then how did you happen?" Zartan chuckled.
"Let's just say bribes weren't uncommon," Cobra Commander admitted. "If one's genes were exceptionaly higher than their class perimeters they were allowed to marry into a higher class. This not only prevented inbreeding among the upper classes it was an acceptable form of social climbing."
"So how much did your Mom pay to move on up to the deluxe apartment in the bug filled sky?" Xamot quipped.
"It was my father and according to him he overpaid for what he got," Cobra Commander groaned. "He was originally from the warrior class and he was able to move on up to the noble class so he could marry my mother. Well he didn't know my mother until after he paid the bribe but…"
"I thought Cobra La warriors were mindless drones raised in labs?" Destro asked.
"They are. But the captains and the generals and all the other higher level officers aren't," Cobra Commander explained. "That explains why I am such a tactical genius. It runs in my family."
"You mean bribery runs in your family," Destro groaned.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Cobra Commander said.
"So your people invented computer dating? Interesting," Mindbender nodded.
"And you never met your bride before…?" Destro asked.
"Oh, no, no! It doesn't work like that!" Cobra Commander said. "See once the computer maps your genetics and social class it runs a match and narrows down three to seven potential mates. Then came the selection process at age seventeen."
"Selection process?" Destro asked.
"Yes. There would be a series of dinners and meetings from six months to a year between not only the potential couples but their families," Cobra Commander said. "This would ensure a harmonious blending of personalities and see how the families would get along which was just as important as genetics."
"And I'm going to take a wild guess that your bride didn't have much family did she?" Destro asked.
"No, she didn't," Cobra Commander sighed. "The other family arrangements and get-togethers didn't go well. There were a few…incidents. And fires. And stabbings."
"Sounds like some of my family get-togethers," Destro and Zartan said at the same time.
"Jinx!" Zartan spoke up. "You owe me a drink."
"Of course if we're talking about first sexual experiences well," Cobra Commander admitted. "Let's just say it wasn't uncommon for noble families to pay for a sex education professional if you get my drift."
"So your father paid for a hooker for you before you got married?" Zartan asked.
"No," Cobra Commander sighed. "He paid for a hooker for my fiancé. He said she deserved at least one night of fun before marrying me. He always did like her better than me."
"Well this has been interesting," Destro groaned. "And by interesting I mean completely a waste of time."
"Isn't anyone going to ask me about my first love?" Zandar spoke from the shadows.
"Damn it! Zandar how long have you been there?" Zartan was stunned.
"I was here before him," Zandar showed himself and pointed to Destro. He'd been sitting in a chair that was partially obscured by shadows.
"I hate it when you do that," Cobra Commander shuddered involuntarily. "How do you do that?"
"Last I checked Zartan was the one with the weird camouflage ability," Mindbender remarked.
"He is. I'm just that good," Zandar smirked.
"You always have to rub it in," Zartan grumbled. "Even as boys you always had to show me up!"
"Never lost a game of hide and seek in my life," Zandar grinned. "Sometimes it would be weeks after the game before people found me."
"You were stuck outside in the woods for weeks while…?" Destro began.
"Of course not. During those times I'd just go off to my other…Never mind," Zandar waved. "Not important."
"Don't play dumb! Unlike all the other Dreadnoks that's not your strong suit!" Zartan grumbled. "Somehow he managed to weasel himself into a rich family on the good side of town. And they believed he was their son!"
"They five other kids in a huge house and weren't exactly the most attentive family in the world," Zandar explained. "One day I just wandered into their yard and the next thing I knew I was in the Chuzzelwit Family Picture."
"Isn't that the name of the family of bankers that made their money investing in Australia's railroads?" Destro was impressed.
"Yes. And they're also drunk off their ass all the time," Zandar said. "It was pretty easy to impersonate one of their kids. All I had to do whenever the parents were in the room was say 'Yes Sir' or 'Yes, Mama' in a polite tone and they bought it."
"And how long did this charade go on?" Destro was surprised.
"It still is," Zandar remarked. "To this day I still get the family Christmas card."
"Yeah and he got put in Grandpa Chuzzlewit's will somehow!" Zartan barked. "Over some members of his own family!"
"He liked me," Zandar shrugged. "I was the only person willing to listen to his war stories."
"He wasn't even in the war!" Zartan barked. "He ran the black market!"
"Still good stories," Zandar shrugged. "Anyway that brings us to my first love. Maybelline Chuzzlewit. She was the only member of the family with the brains to figure out I wasn't a relative. But she needed someone to help her carry out her schemes so she and I had a partnership that developed into something more. I remember the first time we made out in the Butler's Pantry. It was magical."
"Again, no one figured this out?" Destro was surprised.
"Again I got lucky," Zandar explained. "Turns out Chuzzlewits making out with their relatives wasn't exactly an uncommon thing."
"Eww…" The Crimson Twins said as one.
"Oh like you two are ones to judge!" Zartan barked.
"Neither should you!" Zandar barked. "You still pretend to be Thrasher to that twit of an uncle of his!"
"Oh right," Zartan remembered. "So how did it end?"
"It just did. She just went off to Europe to snag herself a fortune and a rich husband and that was the end of it," Zandar shrugged. "But we left on good terms."
"Really?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Who do you think helped me get into Grandpa Chuzzlewit's will?" Zandar asked.
"Well this has been a fascinating evening," Destro got up. "I admit I learned something about all of you tonight. You people are far worse than I imagined."
"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU IDIOTS?" The Baroness's voice was heard.
"But not as bad as that!" Destro yelled as the men stampeded to get away.