A/N: Sorry for the long wait, I was having a hard time writing this chapter. We've made it to the funeral.
Chapter 11
The day of Jake's funeral arrived much to quickly for the family. There was a somber feeling throughout the large house as the family began preparing for the day. Silence filled the hallways as each person was locked away in the room they occupied to get dressed.
As Clarke slipped the black dress over her body she caught sight of her reflection in the mirror and felt the tears begin to pool in her eyes. She couldn't do this. She didn't know how she could possibly say goodbye to her father. There was anger inside of her that he was here one day and then just gone. She fell down onto the bed and cradled her head in her hands as the tears began to fall.
It wasn't long before she felt strong arms wrap around her waist and her body instinctively fell back into Lexa's embrace. She turned her head and buried it in Lexa's neck. The other girl just held on tight and let her cry out everything she was feeling. She couldn't even begin to imagine what Clarke was going through.
Once she felt a little more like herself, Clarke pulled back just enough to look deeply into the green eyes she loved so much. She leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Lexa's lips. One that she hoped conveyed how much she appreciated Lexa being there with her.
As soon as Clarke felt like she could breathe again she assured Lexa she was fine and the two went back to getting ready. They headed down the stairs hand in hand to find Abby and Derek just inside the family room ready to go.
"Has Avery come down yet?" Clarke asked when she noticed the girl was nowhere to be found.
"I haven't seen her yet," Abby answered. "Her room has been awfully quiet though."
Clarke nodded her head in agreement. "I'll go check on her." She separated her hand from Lexa's and headed back up the stairs.
Avery's door was closed tight, and she couldn't hear any movement on the other side. She knocked softly but didn't get a response. With hesitation she opened the door, careful not to make a sound and peeked in to find her daughter curled on her bed still in her pajamas.
Clarke was torn on where to go from there. She wasn't so good with the real parenting stuff, although she was learning. Still it was clear that Avery was in need of something and she was going to have to provide whatever that was.
She made a quick decision and headed down back down to the rest of her family and spoke quietly to the group. "She's not ready yet. Go ahead and go. We'll meet you there soon,"
"Are you sure?" Abby asked. She didn't like the idea of leaving her girls at that moment. She could tell there was more going on, but she didn't want to push.
"Yeah, she just needs some time I think. Go ahead and head out. I'll talk to her and hopefully we won't be too much longer." She didn't give anyone a chance to respond and instead made her way back up to her daughter's room.
This time instead of knocking, she walked straight into the room and climbed onto the bed behind her little girl. She wrapped an arm around Avery's waist and cuddled them close together. She could see the tear tracks on her daughter's face and choked back her own emotion.
"What's going on in that head of yours? How come you aren't dressed?" she asked softly.
Avery wiggled in her arms but didn't pull away. She took comfort in the way her mother was holding her. "I don't want to go," was all Avery responded with.
Clarke could understand that, she didn't want to go either, but this wasn't about her, it was about Avery. "How come?" she asked, trying to keep her voice neutral. She wanted Avery to feel like she could tell her without feeling influenced in how she felt. And she wanted her to feel like she was genuinely interested in the answer.
"I don't want to say goodbye to Grandpa. I don't want him to be dead."
The room was silent for a moment as Clarke tried to think of a response. What could she say when she wished the same thing? How could she possibly ease her daughter's pain when she felt like she was hurting more than she herself could bare?
She held Avery even tighter in her arms and nuzzled her face into the blonde locks that were so like her own. "I don't want him to be gone either," she finally admitted. "I won't make you go if you really don't want to, but you know that whether you are there or not, it won't change that he's gone."
Avery sniffled. "I know."
"What I can tell you is this," Clarke continued. "If you don't go, you might someday come to regret it. You'll never have the chance to say goodbye and see him one last time."
Silence fell over the room as the young girl thought through her mother's words. She rolled over so she was facing Clarke and hid her face in the front of Clarke's dress, soaking up the feeling of having her near. "Do I have to wear black? Grandpa hated that color. He said it was to sad."
A small smile found its way onto Clarke's face at that. She could remember her father telling her the exact same thing when she was younger. "You can wear whatever you like."
"Grandpa bought me a blue dress a few weeks ago because he said he saw it and it reminded him of my eyes. I think I'm going to wear that."
"He'll love that," Clarke smiled. "I'll let you get dressed then." She felt much better about the situation as Avery pulled away and headed to her closet to find the dress. "Holler at me if you need me," she told her daughter as she made her way out of the room.
Once she was out in the hallway she started thinking that maybe Avery had the right idea. She turned and headed towards the master bedroom to go through her mother's closet. She didn't bring a whole lot of clothes with her and had in fact just bought the dress she was wearing the day before, but now it just didn't feel right. She was hoping she might be able to borrow something else to wear.
She felt good about that decision when she found a light blue blouse and black skirt that should fit her just fine. She would still be able to wear some black in mourning, but she felt that her dad would appreciate a little bit of color.
She was surprised to find Lexa sitting on the couch when she eventually made it back down to the family room. "You waited. I thought you'd go with my mom and Derek."
Lexa smiled and pulled her girlfriend into a hug. "Like I'd go without you. I'm here for you, and for Avery."
Clarke smiled at the thought. In such a short amount of time Lexa had not only taken to her daughter but they had created their own special bond. It was something she feared she wouldn't see with how Lexa found out, but she was glad it had.
"You changed," Lexa noted.
"Yeah, Avery didn't want to wear black. She reminded me that my dad hated that color, so I told her to wear whatever she wanted."
"So, you changed in solidarity or…"
Clarke gave her a small smile. "Partly that, and partly because I think my dad would be happier with a little bit of color."
Lexa nodded her head in understanding. She felt like she wanted to change also, but unfortunately, she didn't have anything else to wear that was nice. So, what she had would have to do.
"There's probably something else I should mention," Clarke started. She'd been meaning to tell Lexa for a while, but it just hadn't ever come up. "With everything going on I haven't had a chance to warn you about my grandmother." Luckily, they hadn't yet crossed paths with the elder Griffins. Her grandparents came in sometime yesterday but needed to 'settle' into their hotel.
"What about her?" Lexa asked curiously.
"Just that she may say things and I just want you to ignore her. I don't want to go into too much detail because Avery could come down any minute, but let's just say she's not the nicest of people and leave it at that for now."
Lexa was curious, but she could understand if Clarke didn't want to risk Avery overhearing it, especially if it was really bad. She hoped Clarke would give her a bigger explanation eventually. Or she might just find out herself if she found herself near Mrs. Griffin.
They both heard footsteps on the stairs and turned to find Avery coming down, now all dressed and ready to go.
"You look beautiful, sweetie," Lexa told her. The color of the dressed reminded her of both girls that she had come to love so much. Avery gave her a smile and Lexa couldn't help herself, she met the girl at the bottom of the stairs and gave her a giant hug. "Your grandpa is going to be smiling down at you and telling all his new friends how beautiful you are."
"Am I as pretty as mom?"
"Even prettier," Lexa told her with a smirk she then threw at Clarke.
"All right you two. Let's get out of here." She didn't want to leave, she wanted to stay here in this house with the two girls that meant the world to her, but she knew they needed to go. She had meant what she said to Avery earlier. She would come to regret it if she didn't take this chance to say goodbye.
The trio headed out the door and climbed into Abby car, making their way towards the funeral home.
~CL~
Clarke, Lexa and Avery made it to their destination with just a little time left for the viewing. Clarke held on to Avery's hand as they made their way through the line of people and found a place beside her mother. Abby took notice of Clarke's change of clothes but didn't say anything. Instead she turned her attention back to a longtime friend of her husband's.
The room for the viewing was fairly large and painted in green tones. On the right side of the room was where the casket sat with flowers on pedestals going off in either direction. Along the wall between the casket and the door was where the family was meant to stand to greet loved ones who had come to offer their condolences. Abby sat there in her wheelchair and Clarke now stood beside her with Avery tucked into her side. There was also an older couple who Lexa could only assume were Jake's parents. Derek was over there as well but he hung back a little bit, only greeting the ones that would seek him out.
On the far wall there were pictures and a video playing of photos and videos of Jake Griffin. Lexa made her way over there and watched the video for a few moments and smiled at some of the videos of Jake with a young Clarke. She was sad she'd never get to meet the man who had raised the girl she loved so much.
On the left side of the room there sat several couches in a small seating area. Lexa made her way over there and found a spot where she could keep an eye on her girlfriend. She didn't feel she had a place by Clarke's side right then, but she still wanted to be able to jump in if Clarke needed her.
She watched a few people that greet Avery, but most barely acknowledged her even being there. When the little girl looked her way, Lexa made a motion to let her know she could come join her if she wanted too. She watched as Avery quickly spoke to Clarke, who then threw a look her way. She smiled at Lexa and gave Avery a small nudge in her direction.
Instead of taking the space beside her on the small couch, Avery climbed up into Lexa's lap and leaned into her. The action caught Lexa off guard and she hesitated a moment on what to do. It only took a moment before she relaxed and wrapped her arms around the young girl and held her close. The girl was almost as tall as she was from their current position, but it didn't seem to faze her as she took comfort from the woman she was slowly becoming attached to.
The two watched on for a while as Clarke and Abby both were made to shake hands or accept hugs from the people coming in. Lexa could tell from her place that Clarke was trying very hard not to look towards the casket
The line began to thin out as people made their way towards the chapel like room for the actual service. The few that remained were soon asked to leave so that the family could have a few moments alone to say their goodbyes.
Once freed from her post, Clarke made her way over to her two girls and as Avery stood up, Clarke wrapped her arms around her daughter in a tight hug. She needed to feel that connection with her child right then.
Lexa moved to stand and head towards the door.
Clarke put a hand on her arm to stop her. "Where are you going?"
"They asked for family only, so I figured I'd head to the chapel."
Clarke took Lexa's hand within her own and entwined their fingers. "You are family, silly. And I can't do this without you."
Lexa smiled and squeezed their fingers together to show Clarke she understood. They both saw the curious look Clarke's grandma was giving them, but chose to ignore it. This right then was more important.
With one of her girls on each side, Clarke led them over towards the casket. She looked in at the man she loved dearly and whispered a goodbye. She wanted to give him one last kiss on the cheek or even a hug, but she couldn't bring herself to touch him. It wouldn't be the same anyway. "I love you so much, dad. I'm going to miss you so much."
There were tears pouring down her cheeks and when she noticed Avery's were the same she let go of Lexa and hugged her close again. More sobs came out as they prepared the casket for closing. She felt soft hands on her shoulders but all she could concentrate on right then was the small girl in her arms. Someone who felt the same pain she was feeling. Avery and Clarke had both been raised by the man they had lost forever.
As they followed the casket into the chapel room, Clarke tried to keep her composure, but it wasn't easy. She wanted Lexa and Avery on either side of her, but when her daughter insisted on sitting between them, she couldn't deny her anything. So instead she sat with an arm wrapped around Avery and subtle contact with Lexa. Her mother sat on her other side, so she grabbed her mother's hand and held onto it.
Most of the words that were spoken barely registered with Clarke. She didn't need to hear all the great things being said about her father because she already knew them. She couldn't listen to her grandparents talk about how much they would miss their son because she it couldn't compare in her mind to how much she would miss him and how much she would still need him.
He wouldn't be there to walk her down the aisle if she and Lexa got married someday. He wouldn't be there to see any more grandchildren if they decided to have more kids, which she really hoped they did. He would miss it all.
She regretted agreeing to giving her own speech when it was her turn. She wasn't sure she could even make it up to the podium, much less stop the tears enough to speak. As she released Avery to stand up, the girl turned and leaned into Lexa which helped her calm down just a little bit.
She looked out at all those that had come to say goodbye to her father and let out another sob. She grabbed a tissue that had been placed down beside the podium and wiped at her eyes. "Thank you all for coming," she started.
Another sob and another wipe of her eyes before she could continue again. "I um, I couldn't ask for a better father. Jake Griffin wasn't just my parent, he was one of my best friends. Some of you know I got pregnant in high school. I feared telling my parents, but my dad never even batted an eye. If he was disappointed, I never knew about it. Instead he treated me much the same as I'm sure he treated my mom when she was pregnant with me.
"He ran out for my midnight cravings and he massaged my feet when they were swollen. And the day Avery was born he was the most excited I had ever seen him." Clarke threw a smile at her daughter. "He did more than his fair share of raising me and he stepped in and raised my daughter when I couldn't. He was the best father I could have asked for and an even better grandfather. And I'm going to miss him terribly." She paused not sure if she had it in her to go on. There was more she wanted to say, but right then she couldn't find the words. Her father knew how she felt and that was the most important part.
She didn't both to say anymore more, or offer any apologies she just walked back to her seat and this time she pulled Avery into her lap. Just talking about her daughter made her even more thankful that she had her in her life. There was not a single day she had ever regretted having her and today of all days she wasn't sure how she would have gotten through this without Avery by her side.
Derek was up next but again Clarke tuned everything out. As she held Avery there on her lap and felt Lexa scoot closer she was starting to feel the smallest ounce of peace and it felt good.
A/N: So as I stated last chapter I live in Utah and grew up in the LDS/Mormon church. All the funerals I have been to have been religious ones so I hope I did this justice by going with what I know but leaving religion out of it. The funeral home is based on the one my family uses every time. It was hard for me to write this also because I've been to so many funerals I feel as though I have become some what desensitized to death.