Off Around The World Again

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"How the hell was I supposed to know that both the US and Cuba were having secret negotiations in Fidel's private villa by the sea?" Cobra Commander screamed above the explosions.

Currently the Cobras were running for their lives towards the dock from the combined attacks of both US and Cuban forces.

"I told you we couldn't just walk into Fidel Castro's private residence without any warning!" Destro shouted.

"NO YOU DIDN'T!" Cobra Commander snapped.

FLASHBACK TO TEN MINUTES EARLIER…

"Relax Destro," Cobra Commander waved as the Cobras walked up the steps to a gorgeous beach house near a dock. "Fidel told me I could come and use his beach house any time I wanted."

"I don't know Cobra Commander," Destro frowned. "This is one of the most infamous dictators on the planet. I don't think we can just waltz into his private residence without any warning."

"And you two haven't spent any time together since the 90's," Mindbender pointed out. "Remember the infamous beach party incident?"

"So I accidentally shot his brother while drunk?" Cobra Commander waved. "Fidel is the one in power anyway. Not like Raul will ever be in charge."

"I'm not so sure about this," Destro frowned.

"Stop being a Destro Downer!" Cobra Commander snapped as he went through the back door. "This place is so remote most people don't even know it exists! See, there aren't even any…"

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

"Guards?" Cobra Commander was stunned when he saw five armed guards in the kitchen pointing guns at them.

"Good thing we have laser guns," Destro sighed as he, the Baroness, Mindbender, Zartan and the Crimson Twins whipped out their guns and quickly shot the guards in the kitchen.

"I guess Fidel is home," Cobra Commander casually remarked as the guards fell to the floor. "Oh were those lasers set on stun?"

"Mine was," Destro said.

"So was mine," Zartan said. "But wait…Two of those guards are dead!"

"Uhhh…." Mindbender winced.

"Oops," The Baroness winced.

"Sorry…" The Twins said as one.

"Oh great. I hope Raul isn't here," Cobra Commander groaned as they went into the kitchen. "He always complains whenever one of his guards is accidentally killed."

"Uh Commander…?" Zartan did a double take. "Two of these guards aren't Cuban. They look American!"

"American?" Cobra Commander thought aloud as they entered the next room. "Why the hell would American soldiers be in a Cuban leader's beach house?"

CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!

The Cobras to their surprise saw several Cuban and American soldiers pointing guns at them. Sitting around couches were some American ambassadors as well as a few Cuban high profile diplomats and a familiar figure.

"Hey Raul," Cobra Commander said in a chipper voice. "Long time no see! It's me Cobra Commander! Oh I didn't know you were using the beach house this weekend. Is your brother here?"

FLASHFORWARD!

"HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT RAUL WAS RUNNING CUBA NOW?" Cobra Commander screamed as the Cobras managed to get to their ship.

"It's been on the bloody news for a long time now," Major Bludd said.

"AND YOU DIDN'T THINK TO TELL ME ABOUT IT?" Cobra Commander shouted.

"I thought you already knew!" Major Bludd said.

"OBVIOUSLY I DIDN'T!" Cobra Commander shouted.

"You and Raul have never exactly been best friends have you?" Mindbender remarked. "Not only did you shoot him at that beach party, you blew up his car!"

"In hindsight playing Grenade Horseshoes while I was drunk was not a good idea," Cobra Commander admitted.

"Compared to the plethora of good ideas you've had over the years…" Destro quipped.

"So we'll just go to some of our other secret bases until we find a place!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We've got dozens of them under the Equator! Odds are one of them we can use! How hard can it be to find one?"

"Cue disaster montage…" Destro groaned.

MEXICO…

"What do you mean our base was taken by another drug cartel?" Cobra Commander screamed as the Cobras ran from several angry men with big guns.

UNCHARTED ISLAND…

"What do you mean our base was destroyed by an erupting volcano?" Cobra Commander yelled.

BELIZE…

"Who would have thought the authorities in Belize were so on the ball?" Major Bludd groaned as the ship sailed away from a ship firing on them. "We weren't even in port five minutes before someone recognized us!"

"Gee I wonder how that happened." Crystal Ball snapped. "You all look like escapees from a Halloween party at a mental institution for cosplay enthusiasts!"

"Big talk from somebody who's just a head in a ball!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Destro get us out of here and go to the next base on the list!"

ANOTHER UNCHARTED ISLAND

"I hate you two so much…" Cobra Commander glared at the Crimson Twins.

"Sorry…." Xamot winced.

"We forgot we sold that island base…" Tomax began to explain.

"To the Russian Mob years ago," Xamot finished.

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Our bad," Xamot and Tomax winced as something exploded on the island as the Cobra ship sailed away.

"Good thing I had my emergency grenades," Torch remarked.

"And we gave another reason for the Russian Mob to kill us," Destro groaned. "Just great…"

"Permission to throw these two overboard?" Zartan asked Cobra Commander.

"Denied!" Cobra Commander snapped. "They're not getting off that easy! Just go to the next secret base on the list!"

COLUMBIA

"Well at least this base wasn't taken over by a drug cartel," Mindbender remarked as Destro piloted the ship away from several gunboats chasing them.

"No, it was taken over by the Columbian police posing as a drug cartel!" Cobra Commander groaned.

"What did you do?" The Baroness snapped. "Advertise our bases on Craigslist?"

"Don't try my patience Baroness!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Fortunately for us I know exactly where our next secret base is!"

GUYANA

"Oh right we don't have a secret base here," Cobra Commander remembered as he stood in a jungle. "It's in French Guiana. Sorry. My bad…"

"You could have figured that out before we spent three hours getting lost in a mosquito infested jungle!" Destro snapped.

"HELLO? HELP!" Major Bludd was heard. "I THINK I'M TRAPPED IN SOME QUICKSAND!"

"Back to the ship," Cobra Commander said.

"HELLO! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY!" Major Bludd screamed as the Cobras went to leave without him.

FRENCH GUIANA

"Oh right…" Major Bludd remarked as the Cobras stood next to a giant parking lot. "There was that grease fire a few years back when I was running the base…Sorry mates. My bad."

"Why did you save him?" Destro asked the Dreadnoks.

"He promised to pay us," Ripper explained.

"Which we still haven't seen a dime yet," Buzzer glared at Major Bludd.

"I don't suppose you'd take a check?" Major Bludd asked.

"Is there any quicksand in the next place we go?" Torch asked.

"I'd be happy if there was an actual base we can go to," Destro groaned.

"There is! This wasn't even one of the better bases anyway!" Cobra Commander said. "I just came here because it was next on the list. Don't worry…I know the one in Brazil is much better!"

"Which one?" Destro asked.

"Either one," Cobra Commander said. "It'll be fine. Let's get some lunch before we go. I'm in the mood for some bouillon d'aoura."

"Yeah I could eat," Torch nodded.

"Shocker…" Destro quipped as the Cobras went to get some lunch.

BRAZIL

"What a shock!" Destro snapped as he opened fire on a horde of soldiers. "That we lost another base to another group!"

"I hate Nazis!" Cobra Commander snarled as he threw a grenade at the soldiers. Which of course destroyed them. "Greedy racist bastards!"

"And they were not too happy that we interfered with their secret cloning project," The Baroness said.

Suddenly there was a horrible noise. "What was that…?" Destro blinked.

"Oh I just let loose one of my Eddie Juniors," Mindbender ran up to them.

"What is an Eddie Junior?" Major Bludd asked. Then his arm was grazed by a bullet. "OW! SERIOUSLY?" He shot the soldier who shot at him. "I'M TALKING HERE!"

"BRRARRRRRAAOOOOPPPP!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

Several Nazis ran in terror from a huge giant purple blob that was dissolving everything in its path. "That's an Eddie Junior," Torch pointed.

"Technically a couple of them fused together," Mindbender remarked.

"BRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAPPP!"

"We should go," Mindbender remarked.

ANOTHER PART OF BRAZIL

"Again what did you do?" The Baroness looked at Cobra Commander. They were all sitting at a table in a large fancy restaurant. "Advertise our secret bases on some kind of realtor website?"

"Again this was our bad," Tomax said as he finished his coffee.

"Forgot we sold this one a few years ago," Xamot added.

"It was listed under Extensive Enterprise's holdings," Tomax added.

"Before our company collapsed," Xamot sighed.

"At least it became a nice restaurant," Tomax said.

"And we got a good meal out of it," Xamot finished.

"That's the only reason I'm not shoving you into the freezer to recreate that scene out of Goodfellas," Cobra Commander growled.

"Are there any secret bases left on the list?" Destro asked.

"Yes there are. Quite a few. So…" Cobra Commander began.

A waiter came up to them with a check. "Your bill Sir."

"Torch," Cobra Commander asked. "Do you still have any emergency grenades left?"

"Yeah…" Torch grinned. I do…"

THREE MINUTES LATER…

KAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Well that was enjoyable," Cobra Commander said as the Cobras casually walked away from the restaurant that was burning to the ground behind them. "It was nice to not run away for our lives for a change."

"And we actually did some real terrorism so people know we're back in the game," Mindbender added.

"That is a very good point, Mindbender," Cobra Commander nodded in agreement. "Okay so let's go to the next base on the list. I know we won't have any problems there!"

YET ANOTHER UNCHARTED ISLAND…

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE TRAITORS FROM MONGOOSE INCORPORATED HAVE THIS BASE!" Cobra Commander screamed as they ran from a horde of soldiers and mercenaries.

"I'm amazed they only have one!" Zartan shouted as he fired his weapon at their pursuers. "The drug cartels have more!"

"Sorry! My bad!" Crystal Ball called out from the carpet bag Mindbender was carrying. "Forgot all about them making over this place into a secret retreat!"

"Maybe I should just throw you at them in hopes you'll knock them down like bowling pins?" Cobra Commander shouted. "RETREAT! COBRA RETREAT!"

SEA LAB OFF OF URUGUAY

"Oh right…" Mindbender remarked as the Cobras were confronted by several mutated half men, half octopus mutants carrying very powerful laser guns. "The Octo-Cobra experiments of 87. Huh, looks like the mutineer survivors created their own dystopian society down here. Good for them."

"Not so good for us…" Destro groaned. "Shall we run for our lives?"

"Let's do…" Cobra Commander sighed. "Cobra…"

"We know! RETREAT!" Everyone shouted as they turned back and ran from the angry Octo-Men.

ARGENTINA

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Seriously I didn't know Argentina had its own organized criminal syndicate," Cobra Commander said as Destro piloted the ship away from the destroyed base on shore. "Huh. Learn something new every day. Now I know."

"And knowing is a great reason that I should update my resume," Destro groaned.

STILL ANOTHER UNCHARTED ISLAND

"What do you mean this island has been claimed as some kind of leper colony?" Cobra Commander stormed off the ship onto the dock. "I didn't even think there were such things as leper colonies anymore!"

"There are but that's technically not what this is," Destro sighed as he read the sign at the dock. "Well not traditional leprosy anyway."

"What kind of island is this?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Apparently it is some kind of cult devoted to the teachings and the music of…" Destro pointed to the sign. "Justin Bieber."

"COBRA RETREAT!" Cobra Commander did an about face and went back to the ship. "RETREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!"

CHILE

"Who the hell is this Augustus St. Cloud?" Cobra Commander shouted as the Cobras were in another firefight with another group of soldiers.

"Apparently some new super villain," Destro remarked as he fired the grenade launcher into the soldiers. Effectively killing them.

"Well why the hell doesn't he get his own secret base?" Cobra Commander shouted.

"He did," The Baroness snapped. "How much you want to bet the Crimson Twits sold this base too?"

"Uhhhhh…." The Crimson Twins began.

"I hate you two so much…" Cobra Commander growled.

PERU

"Okay I'd like to state for the record this is not one of my screw-ups!" Mindbender snapped at the other Cobras. "Some other group did this!"

"Yes Mindbender," The Baroness sighed. "I checked the computer files. Apparently some other mad scientist found this place and performed his own mad experiments."

"And I'm guessing his test subjects overthrew him before taking over the base," Cobra Commander sighed.

"You guess correctly," The Baroness sighed. She looked at a skeleton in a lab coat in the corner. "And I'm guessing this is him."

"Super…" Cobra Commander groaned.

The Cobras were in a giant metal cage surrounded by giant mutant parrots. "Awwk! Poco want vengeance! Poco want vengeance!" A green and yellow giant parrot squawked.

"I'm having flashbacks to that stupid Christmas fiasco…" Destro groaned. "Mindbender do you have any Eddie Junior's left?"

"Just made a fresh batch this morning," Mindbender said.

"Torch ready your flame thrower," Destro said as he cocked his weapon. "We're going to have an old fashioned South of the Equator Cobra Thanksgiving!"

AND ANOTHER UNCHARTED ISLAND….

"How can an entire island disappear into a sinkhole?" Cobra Commander screamed.

"Don't look at me! It wasn't one of my inventions!" Mindbender snapped.

"Anything you want to confess Dreadnoks?" Crystal Ball snapped.

"What did they do?" Zartan moaned.

"Well we heard about this possible diamond mine on the island and we thought the best way to do so is to blow up the side of the volcano with some very high powered explosives…" Torch began.

"Stop! Forget it! This I don't want to know!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Unless of course we need to destroy a GI Joe base that's on an island!"

ECUADOR

"ANOTHER CARTEL HAS ANOTHER ONE OF OUR BASES!?" Cobra Commander screamed over the firefight. "WHAT IS THIS? AN EPIDEMIC OR SOMETHING?"

COSTA RICA

"What do you mean our base has been turned into a sewage treatment plant?" Cobra Commander shouted. "Forget it! Even we're not that desperate!"

"Kind of fitting if you think about it," Torch remarked. "Considering how many of our plans have turned to…"

"One more word out of you Torch and I'll throw you headfirst into that plant to treat you!" Cobra Commander shouted at him.

YES, STILL ANOTHER UNCHARTED ISLAND…

"RETREAT! RETREAT!" Cobra Commander screamed as the Cobras ran for their lives on a beach. They were being chased by a horde of giant monkeys carrying rifles and spears screaming at them.

"I HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS!" Zandar yelled.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT MINDBUNGLER!" Cobra Commander shouted. "THIS ONE IS DEFINITELY YOUR FAULT!"

"I SAID I WAS SORRY!" Mindbender shouted. "I'D HONESTLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE MUTATED MONKEY EXPERIMENTS I LEFT BEHIND WHEN WE ABANDONED THIS BASE!"

"I SHOULD LEAVE YOU BEHIND!" Cobra Commander shouted.

"YEOWWWW! MY BEHIND!" Major Bludd screamed as an arrow hit him in the butt.

"SHUT UP AND RUN BLUDD!" Cobra Commander snapped.

EL SALVADOR

"I am only going to say this once…" Cobra Commander said calmly. He was covered in feathers and glitter. "El Salvador never happened. We were never there. It was only a vodka induced nightmare…"

"Technically more like a tequila induced nightmare," The Baroness grumbled. She was wearing a skimpy red dancer's outfit with a huge red headdress and a large feather display on her back.

"I wish it was a tequila induced nightmare," Mindbender groaned. He was wearing the exact same outfit as the Baroness.

"Not one of our better trips…" Buzzer groaned. He was also wearing the exact same outfit as the Baroness and Mindbender.

"What are you complaining about?" Zarana snapped. She was wearing a paramilitary outfit that was heavily singed. "At least you weren't in the firefight!"

"And I didn't get to light any fires," Torch grumbled. He and the rest of the Dreadnoks were also in singed paramilitary outfits.

"Owwwww…." Major Bludd looked dazed as well as singed. His left arm was in a sling. And he had a red feathered headdress on his head.

"I hope to God no one took any pictures of what happened," Destro groaned. He was wearing a much singed tuxedo with feathers.

"No one took pictures because El Salvador never happened!" Cobra Commander warned. "HEAR ME? IT NEVER HAPPENED!"

"Still…" Ripper chuckled. "One hell of a party though…" Everyone else glared at him.

MEXICO AGAIN…

"Another day, another cartel taking over another one of our bases!" Cobra Commander wailed as he stumbled into the ship's recreational room.

"At least we got away again…" Mindbender suggested.

"Oh shut up Mindbender," Cobra Commander slumped into a seat.

"We haven't exactly been doing well when looking for a new abode have we?" Donald spoke up.

"N-no…Donald we h-have not," Road Pig, his other personality spoke up.

"Oh look some interesting news…" Zarana checked the internet on her laptop. "Guess what? The United States has officially lifted the fifty year embargos on Cuba. And Cuba has pledged a new age of co-operation with the United States. Gee I wonder what the catalyst was for that to happen?"

"Figures," The Baroness grumbled. "The one thing that would truly unite the American and Cuban government would be their hatred of us!"

"And that concludes this wonderful tour of South America!" Destro snapped.

"Uh technically Mexico is part of North America and…" Buzzer began. Everyone glared at him. "Shutting up now."

"Please tell me for the love of God there are no more secret bases…" Zartan groaned.

"Well…" Tomax and Xamot sighed. "There is one left close by."

"There is?" Cobra Commander did a double take.

"Technically Tomax and I didn't exactly lose all our assets when Extensive Enterprises went under," Xamot explained.

"We put a few things under different names and other companies so that the IRS wouldn't them," Tomax added.

"Like the casino?" Destro gave them a look.

"Yes," The Twins winced.

"Where is this base exactly?" Destro asked.

"Los Angeles," Tomax said.

"And you are absolutely sure that this base isn't infested with drug dealers, monsters or whatnot?" The Baroness asked.

"Definitely," Xamot said. "It's actually where we've stationed our remaining Crimson Guard."

"Really?" Cobra Commander kept his tone even.

"About ten years ago we set up the General Boldness Company with our most loyal Crimson Guard followers," Tomax explained.

"General Boldness. Is that the insurance company with the little cartoon general?" Mindbender asked.

"No, that's a different company," Xamot said.

"Our general is live action," Tomax explained.

"Oh right I've seen the commercials," Destro remembered. "With that comedian that plays the general. And it's a computer company if I recall correctly?"

"Yes. We make computer software programs and solve computer programming problems," Xamot said.

"We've done very well," Tomax said.

"So just so I'm clear…" Destro said slowly. "Just to clarify things. We could have just skipped all these hidden base disasters and went right to Los Angeles two weeks ago?"

"Uh…" Xamot began.

"And to clarify things further…" Destro went on. "You said you set up this company about ten years ago? Because I recall around that time we had to move into a chicken restaurant in Nebraska because you said…and I quote. There were no other feasible bases for us to inhabit. Am I right?"

"Uhh…." The Twins gulped.

"And to further clarify things," Destro went on. "That time we had to move around because we were homeless? For almost two years? We could have just moved right into that base you had?"

"Uhhhhhh…." The Twins said.

"And weren't we also in that area for an extensive amount of time? Remember? Right before we had to make the cross country trip from Hell?" Destro shouted. "When all we had to do is go to your base…And I'm guessing there is some mode of air transportation?"

"Uhhhh…Yes," The Twins gulped.

"So all we had to do was fly a plane instead of…RIDING WITH A DAMN COW!?" Destro yelled. "AND SEVERAL OTHER VEHICLES THAT BROKE DOWN AND BLEW UP?"

"I guess when you say all that out loud…" Tomax gulped.

"It does sound rather odd," Xamot admitted.

"Not to mention like you idiots were hiding your assets from the rest of us!" Cobra Commander shouted. "IN FACT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE DOING!"

"Well you can kind of see why…" Tomax began.

"Torch…" Destro growled. "Do you have any emergency grenades left?"

"I have a better idea Destro…" Cobra Commander growled.

Shortly after…

"ARE YOU KIDDING US?" Xamot and Tomax screamed as they were forced to run on a hamster wheel type machine.

"And you thought my hooking up a man powered generator to the engine so we can save on fuel was a stupid idea," Mindbender grinned at Cobra Commander and Destro.

"To be fair, we didn't see the potential," Destro shrugged.

"We really didn't," Cobra Commander admitted. "It's like when E-mail first came out. I didn't get it then. I was like 'What? Who has a personal computer?' And 'This can't really work can it?' But now I understand its brilliance."

"So many ideas are misunderstood before their time," Mindbender said. "Oh and the best part is the incentive button. Torch would you be so kind as to press it?"

"With pleasure," Torch grinned. He pushed the button and a blaze of fire shot out behind the twins.

"YEOWWWWW!" The Twins screamed. "OUR BISCUITS ARE BURNING!"

"Not as much as if you slack off!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Torch it's your job to push the incentive button. Just not all the time."

"Actually there's a dial there so you can alternate between fire and electricity," Mindbender showed him.

"Oh this is gonna be fun!" Torch snickered manically.

"WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM AT THE CONTROLS?" The Twins screamed.

"Only for the first couple of hours," Cobra Commander waved. "His name was first on the signup sheet."

"The Baroness will relieve you when your arm gets tired," Destro said.

"YEWOWWWWW!" The Twins screamed as Torch started with fire then with electricity.

"I don't think I'll ever get tired of this!" Torch snickered.

"How long do we have to do this?" Xamot shouted.

"Until we reach LA," Cobra Commander told him. "And how long will that take Destro?"

"Well it depends," Destro said casually. "If we take a few shortcuts and sail straight through we should be there in a day or so. A week if we decide to take the scenic route. So I'd pace myself if I were you gentlemen. Ta."

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOWWWW!" The Crimson Twins screamed as Torch zapped them again.

"You're taking the scenic route aren't you?" Cobra Commander asked as the two Cobras left.

"I figure we've earned a few days at sea," Destro waved. "The bar is well stocked right?"

"Very well stocked," Cobra Commander nodded.

"So a nice relaxing cruise for a few days will be just what we need to relax," Destro said.

"I agree," Cobra Commander nodded.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWOOOOWWW! TORCH!"

"You know I have the strangest urge to go water skiing," Destro grinned.

"So do I," Cobra Commander laughed.