Monkeys Verses Lemurs

"This meeting of the brand-new leadership of Cobra High Command is now in session," Zartan grinned at the few assembled members of Cobra.

"But Zartan…" Torch was confused. "It's only us Dreadnoks that are here."

"Exactly," Zartan grinned.

"I don't get it," Torch blinked.

"Quelle surprise," Donald spoke.

"L-Let me ex-explain it to him," Road Pig then took over. "T-Torch…Everybody else is gone. W-we're all that's l-left."

"Gone as in…?" Torch blinked. "Bought the farm?"

"If only," Ripper groaned. "Knowing Cobra Bleeding Commander, he's still kicking about somewhere."

"Like a bloody cockroach," Buzzer grumbled. "In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he did have cockroach DNA in his body."

"God only knows what he's got…" Zarana shuddered.

"I know Cobra Commander's missing," Torch said. "I just don't understand where everyone else is."

"You don't understand basic math!" Zartan snapped.

"Don't you remember that the Baroness was turned into a dog again?" Monkeywrench asked.

"Yeah," Torch nodded.

"And I know you were there when both Destro and Mindbender got zapped into thinking they were cats!" Zarana added.

"I remember that!" Torch snapped. "I just don't get why they can't run Cobra anymore. What does being a cat or a dog have to do with running a terrorist organization?"

Zartan blinked. "Words…I have no words."

"Oh, bloody hell Torch," Buzzer groaned. "You gotta stop your morning vodka and drug combos. It's killing the one brain cell you have left!"

"Dogs and cats can't run a bloody terrorist agency," Ripper explained.

"Racists," Torch sniffed.

"You know the only reason we don't turn you into an animal is that you're practically already one, right?" Zarana groaned. "Let's just press on. Please?"

"Good idea," Zartan sighed. "Look the Dreadnoks are in charge of Cobra now. Which means I am in charge…"

"Ah-emmm," Zandar and Zarana glared at him.

"Along with my brother and sisters," Zartan added. "And you idiots are…Well I wouldn't say generals because generals are smarter. You could be…Umm…"

"Top Privates First Class," Zandar added.

"More like Bottom Losers No Class," Zarana grumbled. "But we'll take what we can get."

"Do we get a raise?" Monkeywrench asked.

"You get more donuts, beer and grape soda," Zartan said.

"Sweet!" Monkeywrench grinned. "I'm in!"

Donald spoke up. "Road Pig and I do have a valid question. What about the other employees that work for this organization? How are they handing this change of leadership?"

"Oh most of the other employees have no problem with this," Zartan said. "Toby Lord of Dark Matter told us all we had to do to win their loyalty was throw in a few stock options and a water cooler full of vodka and they were in."

"God bless the easily bribable work force," Zarana grinned.

"What about the Crimson Twins?" Zandar asked. "Something tells me they aren't going to simply allow us to do as we please."

"They did raise some objections," Zarana waved. "But I took care of it."

"What animal did you turn 'em into?" Ripper asked. "Ooh! Monkeys!"

"No!" Torch shouted. "Lemurs!"

"Lemurs are monkeys you tosser!" Buzzer snapped.

"No, they're not!" Torch snapped.

"Yeah!" Monkeywrench added. "They're a whole different kind of animal."

"They have tails and hands for feet," Buzzer snapped. "Exact same thing!"

"No, they're not!" Monkeywrench snapped.

"Yes, they are!" Ripper snapped.

"Oh not this argument again…" Zartan groaned.

"Monkeys are better than lemurs anyway," Buzzer said.

"Says who?" Road Pig roared.

"ENOUGH!" Zartan yelled and slammed his fist on the table. "NO MORE OF THIS STUPID ARGUMENT!"

"I agree," Zandar nodded. "We have more pressing issues to deal with."

"Speaking of pressing what did you turn the Crimson Twins into?" Zartan asked his sister.

"Nothing," Zarana said. "Turns out that weird psychic connection they have protected them from the ray's effects."

"But you said you handled them," Zartan raised an eyebrow.

"Technically my new security dog did," Zarana grinned.

Meanwhile…

"BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK" The Baroness on all fours growled at the Crimson Twins who were holding onto each other tightly on top of a copy machine.

"A little help?" Xamot yelled.

"Please!" Tomax wailed.

Back to the meeting…

"I take it they're not going anywhere for a while?" Zartan asked.

"I'll give them a bathroom break in a couple hours," Zarana waved. "Then throw 'em in a cell."

"What about the other members of Cobra High Command?" Buzzer asked.

"What other members of Cobra?" Zartan asked exasperated. "Cobra Commander is gone! The Baroness, Destro and Mindbender are animals. And the Crimson Twins are cowering on top of a copy machine! Everyone else is in this room!"

"What about Major Bludd?" Monkeywrench asked.

"He's still in traction," Torch told him. "Or again in traction. I forget which."

"That bloke spends more time in hospitals than coma patients," Ripper groaned. "Okay but what about…Hang on…"

"Take your time Ripper," Zartan sighed. "I'm sure you'll figure it out sooner or later. After I told you the answer!"

"I have a question," Donald spoke up. "And I speak for Road Pig as well seeing as we both have the same concerns."

"Y-yeah!" Road Pig then spoke. "D-Didn't we t-try this already?"

Donald took over again. "What my colleague is referring to is our brief but disastrous tenure at Mongoose Incorporated. When the Dreadnoks attempted to run a company, but ended up…Well…"

"Out on our bloody asses," Buzzer added.

"Basically yes," Donald shrugged.

"I understand your concerns," Zartan nodded. "But there are two major differences. One: We are not letting Torch near any position of authority ever again! Figurehead or otherwise!"

Torch thought a moment. "Fair enough."

"And two," Zartan added. "The last time we shared power with a group of backstabbing idiots. And Commander Deming AKA the Wicked Blonde Bitch of the East. This time it's going to be an all Dreadnok run operation."

"This time we ain't gonna be stupid enough to share power," Zarana nodded. "That was our problem in the first place."

"Speaking of sharing power," Torch realized. "What about your dumb uncle Zartan? Last I checked he was running around here."

"Damn it!" Zartan gasped. "I forgot about him!"

"I didn't," Zarana said. "I took care of him."

"What did you do?" Zandar asked. "Had the Baroness go after him?"

"Worse," Zarana grinned. "I made him the General Manager of our office in Greenland."

"Do we even have an office in Greenland?" Zartan asked.

"We do now," Zarana nodded. "It's actually an old abandoned Cobra front. Plus, I sent him a few non-essential personnel to keep him company."

Meanwhile…Somewhere in an underground base in Greenland.

"Mindbender get off the bloody couch!" Zanzibar screamed. He was wearing a coat and gloves. "DESTRO STOP CLAWING THE DRAPES! NO! NO! DON'T DO THAT! BAD DESTRO! BAD DESTRO! DON'T MAKE ME GET THE BLOODY WATER BOTTLE!"

"HURKKK!"

"NOT ANOTHER BLOODY HAIRBALL!" Zanzibar screamed.

Back to the new Cobra Command….

"So just so I'm clear on this whole thing…" Torch blinked. "We're all in charge of Cobra now?"

"No," Zarana gave him a look. "We're in charge of Cobra. As in me, Zartan and Zandar. You lot are just here to do what we tell you."

"But we still get paid, right?" Torch blinked.

"Yes," Zartan sighed.

"I'm in," Torch nodded happily.

"So here is our plan," Zartan said. "No more of this stupid taking over the world through dumb terrorism schemes. We're going to take over the world by simply buying it!"

"You mean like Disney only without Mickey Mouse?" Monkeywrench asked.

"Exactly," Zartan nodded. "And no more stupid petty thefts! These Mickey Mouse operations are no longer profitable!"

"I don't think they were ever profitable to begin with," Donald spoke up.

"I've been looking over our books," Zartan said. "Our company is solid. We have some bold new products coming out. The Super Phone 33!"

"A new cell phone in a world full of them," Zandar rolled his eyes.

Zartan ignored him and went on. "And Toby Lord of Dark Matter also informed me that they just shipped their new product! The Robo Pup 450!"

"A robot dog?" Zarana asked.

"A toy robot dog," Zartan explained. "That comes in a wide variety of colors and does tricks! It's already a hit with consumers!"

"At least it doesn't make a mess like a real dog," Torch shrugged.

"We also have stock or own all these companies," Zartan grinned. "Mears. Mears New Brunswick. Savemore Shoes. C. J. Nickels. L-Mart. Athletics Experts. Warmwater River. GG Brady. Dry Walrus. Athletics Administration. Kiddie Clothing Stores. High End Kiddie Clothing Stores. Really High-End Kiddie Clothing Stores. Bobo. Fred's Stores. Perfume Obsession. Applecrumble and Snitch…"

"That's a lot of stores," Monkeywrench blinked.

Zartan went on. "Towels and Stuff. Positive Beliefs Jeans. Goose Hill. Cheap Clothes For Teenagers Stores. 350 Dollar Jeans Store. The Mud-Covered Jeans Store. The Unlimited. American Outfits. Cheap Chuck Jewelry. Bunco Bridal Shop. Tea Heaven. Boundaries Bookstores. Thoreau Novels. And Radio Shack."

Torch looked at Buzzer. "That last one doesn't get a funny name?"

"Ehh," Zandar shrugged.

"In addition, we have a share in fifteen percent of all malls across America!" Zartan said. "There's a cash cow! The retail industry is always going to be hot."

"Unless there's some kind of retail apocalypse," Torch remarked.

"Like that would ever happen!" Zartan snorted.

"People actually pay three hundred and fifty dollars for jeans?" Ripper asked. "What are they? Encrusted with emeralds or somethin'?"

"No," Zarana shook her head. "Just regular jeans made by designers. And those same designers came up with mud covered jeans for hundreds of dollars."

"People actually pay for jeans covered in mud?" Torch blinked. "Cor blimey, that means I'm a bloody trendsetter!"

"Forget trendsetter," Buzzer remarked. "We could be style icons in that upside down crazy fashion world."

"Oh my God," Donald realized. "We could be!"

"It's not real mud, morons!" Monkeywrench snorted. "It's fake mud."

"Again…" Torch began. "Why pay for fake when you can get the real thing for next to nothing?"

"That's what always bugs me about some stores that sell jeans," Buzzer added. "You know the ones that sell 'em pre-ripped?"

"I know just what you mean," Ripper nodded. "I don't want to buy jeans already ripped! That totally takes away the experience of you ripping them yourself."

"Yeah like take this pair right here," Torch stood up and pointed to his ripped jeans. "I got this tear in a bar fight in Thailand. And this one while getting into a scrape with GI Joe in the Sahara Desert. Oh, and this one. This one's me favorite."

"How did you get that tear?" Zartan asked.

"In the lavatory at an AC/DC concert," Torch smirked. "With a blonde who couldn't wait to get me pants off if you get my drift."

"Ugh!" Zarana shuddered. "I do…"

"Are you sure it was an actual woman Torch?" Monkeywrench snorted.

"Yeah because you've made that mistake before," Ripper snorted.

"She had real knockers, you wankers," Torch snapped. "I may not remember my real name half the time but I definitely remember that!"

"Torch does have a point," Donald spoke up. "Each rip and tear in our jeans carries a memory. An experience."

"Y-Yeah…" Road Pig added. He pointed to a rip on his jeans. "R-Remember D-Donald? We g-got this one in a dance competition."

"They tried to disqualify us because they said teams of two had to have two separate bodies…" Donald shrugged.

"Stupid rule," Road Pig grumbled.

Donald spoke again. "Fortunately, we were backed up with a few other competitors. And a crowbar. Long story short, we were able to compete. Came in second."

"Lost to a pair of Siamese twins," Road Pig groaned. "T-To be fair, they were d-doing acrobatic moves I d-didn't think were p-possible!"

"It wasn't that bad," Donald spoke up. "We ended up dating them for a few months. Broke up when they got into an argument about seeing other people."

"They told you they didn't want to see you two no more?" Torch asked.

"No," Donald sighed. "They didn't want to see each other anymore. The argument was among themselves."

"Y-Yeah…" Road Pig nodded. "Got s-so mad at each other they attacked themselves with knives. D-Didn't end well."

"Looking back on it now," Donald sighed. "They were rather mentally unstable."

"Told you ya g-gotta be careful around c-crazy chicks," Road Pig added.

"Just so I get this straight…" Zartan blinked. "You two were the sane ones in that relationship?"

"Let's just get back to the topic of jeans, shall we?" Zandar asked.

"Please," Zarana sighed.

"Well lately I've been getting my jeans on Biker Boyz Dot Com," Torch said. "I even get some underwear there."

"Torch, you don't wear underwear," Ripper said.

"I didn't say the underwear was for me!" Torch gave him a look.

"Shopping on the internet is the best," Monkeywrench said. "It's cheaper. You get more selection. And it's so easy even we can do it."

"And best of all to get stuff you don't have to leave your seat," Torch nodded. "I could literally shop Christmas Day to get the toys I want. It's like a dream come true!"

"And it's cheaper!" Buzzer said. "Those bloody three hundred something dollar jeans are online for only twenty bucks! And that includes shipping and handling!"

"You can just pick and choose your prices," Donald agreed.

"I know," Zartan snorted. "Who wouldn't want to shop on the…? Uh oh."

"What do you mean by 'uh oh'?" Zarana snapped. "Hang on. Uh oh."

"What?" Zandar blinked. "Just because everyone shops online now and the prices are cheaper as well as more availability than there are in stores…Uh oh…"

"Okay I ain't no strategist," Torch said. "But when those three say uh oh, it usually ain't good!"

"Yeah but for once they ain't sayin' it about us," Buzzer pointed out. "They're talking about how the internet is taking a bite out of all those stores. Which our company has stocks in."

"Uh oh," Torch blinked.

"Check the market!" Zartan shouted.

"Checking!" Zandar nodded as he went to a large computer console. "As well as all news pertaining to our stocks and stores we invested in."

Ten seconds later all the information was on the computer. "Uh oh," The Dreadnoks said as one.

"This does not bode well," Zandar winced.

"YOU THINK?" Zartan shouted. "All our stores we have stock in are gone!"

"Not all of them are gone!" Zarana pointed out.

"Enough of them are gone!" Zartan snapped.

"I thought Radio Shack was already gone," Torch remarked.

"You're confusing that with your brain cells!" Zartan gave him a look.

"Some of these stores have been gone for years," Zandar gasped.

"Just like Torch's brain cells," Zartan remarked.

"How do we have stock in companies that don't exist anymore?" Zarana shouted.

"Some idiot must have bought them without checking out the investment," Zandar snapped as he checked the data. "Oh. And that idiot was Cobra Commander. Surprise. Surprise."

"He didn't buy all of them," Zartan realized. "I know for a fact the Crimson Creeps had invested money in Mears and their subsidiaries years ago. And Radio Shack."

"But we're the ones not to blame, right?" Torch asked. "It's not our fault? Right?"

"Unless you've secretly become a brokering genius after watching the Wolf of Wall Street then no," Zartan said sarcastically.

"They had an actual wolf on Wall Street?" Torch asked.

"Well yeah Torch," Ripper said. "They have bulls and bears on Wall Street. Why not a wolf?"

"I didn't know there was a zoo there," Torch blinked.

"I should leave you morons in a zoo," Zartan glared at them.

"If you did that the animals would be insulted," Zarana smirked.

"True," Zartan shrugged.

"It's estimated than over twenty five percent of malls will go out of business within the next five years," Zandar whistled as he read the report on screen.

"That's more than fifteen, isn't it?" Torch asked.

"Yes it is, Torch," Zarana groaned.

"That's what I thought," Torch nodded.

"Guessing you never passed math class," Zartan grumbled.

"Oh I had no trouble with regular math," Torch told him. "It's when you get up to Algebra and all Triggy-Nometry and all that twaddle I can't do. And I was actually pretty good at economics. Well until Mrs. Fenton's husband came home. Then we had to stop seeing each other. And then he found out about us. And then came that whole murder thing. Then they gave us a male teacher to take Mrs. Fenton's place. That's when me grades in that class started to go downhill."

"When will I ever learn not to talk to you?" Zartan glared at Torch.

"Look it's not all bad," Zarana pointed out. "We still have launched two brand new products that are sure to make our company a ton of cash."

"Uh sister…" Zandar gulped as he clicked on another link.

"A major recall has been issued for the new Super Phone 33," A female reporter on a news link spoke. "Apparently there have been problems with the batteries which cause the phone to explode and catch fire while it is turned on."

"Great," Monkeywrench grumbled. "Consumer Reports is gonna roast us alive."

"And our phone has roasted several people alive," Zandar groaned at the footage of people being set on fire by their phones.

"This didn't come up in product testing?" Zartan shouted.

"There's supposed to be product testing?" Ripper asked.

"Okay who the hell is in charge of product testing in this company?" Zartan shouted.

"Mindbender," Zarana groaned.

"Okay then…" Zartan sighed. "Figures."

"That's not all," Zandar winced. "Apparently the Robo Pup 450 is being recalled as well."

"Why?" Zartan shouted.

"It has been attacking people," Zandar explained.

"Well at least it hasn't been exploding," Monkeywrench shrugged.

"And exploding," Zandar added.

"Oh, you know those parents' groups are gonna whine about this!" Buzzer grumbled.

"Just so I'm clear on this," Zartan winced. "On top of our stocks sinking like the Titanic on Iceberg Night, both our new products are highly dangerous and are being recalled."

"This might cut into profits," Torch blinked.

"YOU THINK?" Zartan shouted.

"Is that a trick question?" Torch blinked.

Zartan responded by getting up out of his chair and hitting his head repeatedly against the wall. "I have morons on my payroll!"

Zartan stopped. "Now I know why Cobra Commander always said that!"

Zarana groaned. "And knowing is a good reason to set up a help wanted sign!"