A/N: I've been having a horrible time trying to figure out where to go now that they are separated so I apologize for another long wait. Sorry no Lexa in this one, but more insight into Clarke and a good moment with Abby.

Chapter 22

Sunday morning had Clarke stretching as she woke. She reached for Lexa, only to remember that the other woman had gone home the day before. Clarke and Avery had spent the night before watching movies, trying to pretend that their hearts weren't broken from being separated.

With a quick look towards the bedside clock, she knew it would be pointless to try and go back to sleep. She threw off the covers and stretched again as she climbed out of bed. She contemplated getting dressed for a minute but the remember she had no where to go. It felt like the perfect day to stay in her pajamas all day. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been able to do that.

She made her way across the hallway and opened Avery's door. There was enough sunlight coming in through the curtains for her to watch the steady rise and fall of her daughter's breathing. She leaned up against the door frame and just watched her child sleeping.

She'd missed being able to do this. She missed out on so much. She couldn't believe how lucky she was to have an amazing child like Avery. She never knew how much she could love someone until they'd laid a screaming infant on her chest. Avery had squinted at her, adjusting to the light and calmed almost immediately. A bond was created the moment their eyes met.

Not that getting pregnant at sixteen had been in her plan. She was sure that was in no one's plan. The whole thing had scared the crap out of her.

Clarke woke with terrible nausea. She'd barely made it to the bathroom before she lost what little was in her stomach. She'd barely eaten the day before. She hadn't forced herself to eat. She had been far to emotional saying goodbye to her best friend. She still couldn't believe he was gone.

After she cleaned herself up, she convinced herself that she'd just made herself sick with everything going on. It had been a hard week. She'd spent a lot of time with Trish, helping the older girl plan her brother's funeral. She'd fallen asleep in his bed more than a few times, just hoping he'd walk through the door. He never did.

As a week went by and there was no ease to her nausea, Clarke started to worry that maybe something more was wrong. She tried to come up with an illness that would explain it, but only one result came to mind.

When she couldn't deny the possibility any longer, she snuck out of the house early one morning and went to the nearest 24-hour pharmacy. She was grateful that her parents were still asleep when she returned home and doubled timed it up the stairs to her bathroom.

She sat on the edge of the bathtub while she waited for time to go by. They'd been so careful, after that first time when it hadn't even been a thought, they'd made sure to take precautions. She was barely sixteen years old. What was she going to do if the test came out positive?

When time was up and she forced herself to look at the small screen a part of her was terrified. There was another part of her though that was happy. It was small, and the terror was right at the forefront, but there was a small bit of excitement that while Tom was gone, a part of him would still be here.

She had no idea what she was going to do.

Clarke pulled away from the door frame and closed Avery's door before heading down the stairs. She went straight for the kitchen and went through the motions of starting the coffee maker. It only verified how early it still was, usually her mom at least beats her to making the coffee.

Making herself some toast, she took her small breakfast over to the table and let herself get lost in the memories again. The terror had been so profound all through her pregnancy. So much so that her mother had found her bawling on the couch when she was about six months along.

"Clarke, honey, what's wrong?" Abby asked, worriedly as she took a seat next to her daughter and pulled the girl into her arms. "Are you in pain?"

"I don't know if I can do this," Clarke cried out. She wiped at her eyes, but the tears continued to come.

"Do what?"

"This!" she answered, pointing at her stomach. "I can't be a mom. I don't know how. I'm going to screw her up so badly."

"Oh honey. You won't screw her up. You'll be fine," Abby reassured her daughter. "You think I had a clue what I was doing when you were born? You figure it out as you go."

"You had dad. I'm alone."

"And you'll have the both of us," Abby told her firmly.

Clarke grabbed a tissue off the side table and blew her nose. "It's not the same thing. I'm alone in this. Her father's gone, she won't have one."

"Do you want to reconsider putting her up for adoption?" Abby asked softly. They'd already discussed this at length and decided that they'd keep the baby. All of them wanting that small piece of Tom that was left in the form of the child growing within Clarke. She hated to think of her grandchild out there somewhere, but if it's what Clarke wanted, she'd support her.

To her relief, Clarke shook her head. "I don't want that. I just don't know how I'm going to do this."

"Well, whatever happens, you'll always have your father and I. We'll do anything we can to help you."

Just hearing those words help ease Clarke's fear of what was to come. She could do this with her parents help. She just hoped she didn't screw this all up to badly.

Clarke took a sip of her coffee as she remembered making the decision to leave Avery behind with her parents. She hadn't made that one lightly. She'd been torn over it for weeks as she looked through her college acceptance letters.

Clarke laid all the acceptance letters out on her desk and gave each one special attention. She had applied to over a dozen colleges in an effort to give her a choice of where to go. Before Avery she'd had it all laid out which college and med school she wanted to attend. Now though she had the little person who was sitting on the floor beside her, playing with her soft blocks to consider.

There was only one school nearby that accepted her and it wasn't one she particularly wanted to attend. The closest school she wanted to seriously consider was almost 400 miles away. She couldn't decide.

Climbing off her chair, she sat down on the floor in front of Avery and helped her daughter build a tower, while the girl babbled nonsensically.

"What do you think baby girl? What should mommy do?"

"Mamama," Avery squealed and threw herself at Clarke.

Clarke caught her baby girl and held her in a tight embrace. She was starting to realize there really was only two choices. Either take Avery with her and force the girl to endure hours in day care, followed by hours playing by herself while Clarke studied.

The other choice tore her heart apart just thinking about it, but it was probably the better choice for her daughter. She could leave her daughter here where she'd have two parents to care for her. She wouldn't have to spend as much time in the care of others.

She'd just have to make the most of the time she did have with her daughter. "Mommy loves you so much baby girl."

To this day she still believes it was the best choice for Avery, but she'd never get back all the years she lost. Or wonder if she should have just chosen a different career path that wouldn't have taken her so far away.

"What are you thinking about over there?" Abby asked as she rolled herself into the kitchen. She'd noticed Clarke deep in thought and it didn't look entirely pleasant.

Clarke sighed and played with her mug. "I'm just wondering if I did the right thing."

That really didn't tell Abby anything. She poured her own drink before rolling towards her daughter. "Right thing with what?"

"Anything." Clarke ran a hand across her face. "Leaving, choosing my education and career over my daughter."

Abby reached out and laid a comforting hand on her daughter's arm. "You didn't do that."

"I did."

"No, you didn't," Abby stated firmly.

"I was so selfish."

"Clarke, you are the least selfish person I know. You think about everyone's needs before your own. You always have." Abby held up a hand to stop Clarke from talking when she saw she was about to be interrupted. "Being selfish would have been taking Avery with you, that would have been for your own benefit, to have her close. You knew this when you decided to leave her behind. You made the choice to leave her here because it was better for her."

Clarke nodded because she knew her mother was right, at least on that point. "I still left. I could have chosen a different career that would have kept me here."

"No, you couldn't have. You've wanted this since the first time you came to work with me when you were, eight, I think."

Clarke vaguely recalled that day. She couldn't remember the reason she had to spend the day at the hospital while her mother worked, but she'd loved every minute of it. Learning some of the things her mother did, and meeting some of her patients.

"And what about Lexa? If you'd have chosen a different path…" Abby left it open for Clarke to figure out what she was getting at.

"I might never have met her." And that thought alone hurt Clarke in ways she couldn't imagine. Next to Avery, Lexa was her everything. She couldn't think of a world that didn't have Lexa in it.

"I think that girl was meant to be in your life," Abby admitted. "I really like her. And she's so good with Avery."

Clarke smiled at the thought of the two of them together. "Yeah, those two bonded quickly. I'm so happy about that."

"I still can't believe you never told her. If I was her I would have been so pissed at you for having that sprung on me," Abby admitted. She was teasing more than anything, but she was serious too. That was a lot for someone to take in like that.

"Yeah, I know. I tried though, I really did. I opened my mouth so many times. The words just never came. Thanks to Lacy."

"Still maintain she was a bitch."

"Mom!"

"Am I wrong?" Clarke shook her head. "Didn't think so. Does Lexa know the whole story now?"

"She does. She says she understands. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop though." She knew Lexa could have walked out and never came back. Or at the very least yelled at her. None of that had happened. She worried it would only be a matter of time.

"It may happen eventually. You just have to remember to give her the same understanding she gave you if it does happen."

Clarke knew her mom was right. If Lexa did become upset with the situation, she would have to give her room to do so. She was the one that had screwed all this up. She'd have to pay the price for it.

"Not to change the subject, but how are you doing?" Clarke asked hesitantly.

"I have good moments and I have bad ones," Abby admitted. "I can deal with my body not working right, even if it's hard at times. But I miss your father like crazy. I don't know if I'll ever get used to him being gone."

Clarke didn't know what to say. She felt the same way. She kept waiting for him to walk in the door, or her phone to ring and his name to appear. It didn't seem possible that they'd never see him again. "I know what you mean."

"Is Avery still going back to school tomorrow?"

"Yeah, unless you don't think she should. I think she wants to though." Clarke didn't want to leave her mother out of these decisions at least for now. Abby had raised Avery these last eight years.

"No, that's fine. It'll be good for her to get back into routine. What about you? What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I guess I'll start looking for some residencies around here. Hopefully I can find one. Worst case scenario is I have to wait until next year." She hoped it wouldn't be that long, but she wasn't sure she was ready to go back to work right now, so if it took awhile it wouldn't be too bad.

"We have to go in for my appointment tomorrow. We can talk to my chief, see if there's anything he can do." Abby did voice it, but with her gone, even if they didn't have room for another resident, they were down a surgeon and might welcome the extra help enough to make room.

"That sounds good," Clarke agreed. She wouldn't mind working in her mother's hospital. It would be such a shock, she'd grown up there, she knew the people and her way around. It would make it a lot easier to catch up.

Maybe, just maybe, she'd make it through this ordeal and come out stronger on the other side. As she cleaned up her breakfast dishes, she was almost excited for what the future might hold for all of them.