Once again this chapter was co-written by Coldfusion 180! Here we go!
Cobra Persona: Copperhead
"Okay, so things aren't nearly as bad as I thought they were," Zartan admitted. He, Zandar and Zarana were huddled in the conference room surrounded by papers.
"Are we looking at the same data?" Zandar asked. "Because from what I am seeing things are really bad."
Zartan ignored him. "Sure, we lost hundreds of millions of dollars' worth of stocks. We'll just have to make do with the millions of dollars in cash we already have."
"What about the damn recalls?" Zarana snapped. "I know that cut into profits!"
"Not as much as we thought," Zartan said. "It was early in the sales so honestly not that many defective products were sold in the first place."
"We sold enough to get on the hit list of Consumer Reports," Zandar told him.
"Is that where those death threats in the mail came from?" Zarana asked.
"No," Zandar told her. "Those came from that parents' group. Apparently, they take it personally when toys they buy for their children explode. Something about putting their precious children in danger."
"That's the trouble with kids today," Zartan grumbled. "They're coddled!"
"Yeah!" Zarana agreed. "I remember we got to play with things that exploded all the time! And our folks barely said boo. Even when we set Cousin Zane on fire."
"Nobody liked Cousin Zane," Zartan agreed. "He made Cousin Oliver look fascinating."
"Remember the year Dad set the Christmas tree on fire?" Zandar snickered. "While playing with his train set?"
"Mom told him not to use that moonshine he made to power it," Zarana snorted. "And remember all the times we played with fireworks when we were tots! Didn't even lose a finger!"
"Well Cousin Zane did," Zandar told her.
"Only because we superglued that one rocket to his hand," Zandar snickered.
"And that's how he got the nickname Cousin Stumpy," Zarana laughed. "Good times."
"Yes they were," Zandar sighed. "Well some of them. But that was the past. It's the present that worries me."
"Look despite our recent…" Zartan paused. "Shall we say hiccups?"
"Complete and total blunders," Zandar grumbled.
"Our revenues are holding steady," Zartan went on. "While they could have been a lot higher, we can count on a steady stream of income for the foreseeable future. There are still plenty of older products this company produced that are still on the market."
"Didn't our stock recently take a dive?" Zandar asked. "When Jim Cramer proclaimed our company a No Way In Hell You Should By This?"
"Eh that was just for ratings," Zartan waved. "It's not like we're Mears or the rest of the retail industry."
"That's true. Our profits are up," Zarana concluded. "Especially since Cobra's expenses have fallen almost as far as out stock portfolio."
"How can that be?" Zartan asked. "You haven't been making salary cuts, have you?"
"And by which you mean cutting our salaries?" Zarana asked. "No. We're getting paid very well."
"Oh well then I don't care whose salaries you cut," Zartan waved. "As long as it's not ours. It's the Dreadnoks right?"
"Not like those morons would know what to do with a check if it walked up to them with a list of instructions," Zandar chuckled.
"Not exactly," Zarana smirked. "Members of Cobra's High Command are still getting paid. But since most of them can't collect their thoughts must less a paycheck…"
"BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!"
"AAAAAHHH!" The Dreadnoks ran by the open conference room door in terror as the Baroness chased them down the hallway.
"Oh," Zartan said. "I see your point."
"Let's just say we three are receiving bonuses while keeping total net salaries the same," Zandar grinned.
"Good idea," Zartan smiled. "But how are Cobra's expenses suddenly down? What are we buying less of? Weapons? Ammunition? Fuel? Bandages?"
"Well expenses for bandages are down somewhat," Zarana admitted.
"BARK! BARK!"
"YEOOOWWWW!" Monkeywrench shouted.
"But not as much as you would think," Zarana added.
"So what got cut that is keeping us in the black?" Zartan asked.
"Alcohol," Zarana told him. "Since Cobra Commander's been gone the amount of money Cobra spends on booze has dropped almost sixty-six percent!"
"So has the amount spent on repairs to the base," Zandar added. "Thought mostly because we keep abandoning bases once they've been practically blown to pieces."
"I have to admit that is a very good cost saving measure," Zarana agreed.
"Figures," Zartan shrugged. "Maybe we should start some kind of salvaging division? Blow up old bases, offer to clean up to mess and then have suckers pay us to do it."
"Good idea. And we can collect on damage insurance before selling them off," Zarana made a note.
"Great," Zartan grinned leaning back. "Leadership is up, idiocy is down and Cobra is finally solvent for the first time since…"
"Ever?" Zarana chuckled.
Zartan laughed in agreement. "Things are finally starting to go right around here."
Just then the conference room's monitor came to life. "Hello everybody! Welcome once again to the show no true terrorist can do without: Cobra Persona!" Zero called out from the screen.
"I spoke too soon," Zartan groaned.
"Huh?" Zandar blinked as Vapor and Zero appeared on screen sitting at a desk. "What the heck are those fools doing?"
"I thought we ditched those idiots," Zarana snapped.
"We did," Zartan groaned. "They keep coming back. Like herpes."
"If you're a new viewer, don't feel bad if you don't recognize us. We've been gone awhile," Vapor grinned. "Mainly since we've been out of contact with headquarters no matter how many times we call in."
"Yeah, it's almost like they don't want to talk to us or something," Zero added.
"I wonder why," Zartan drawled.
"It's been a long time since our last episode," Vapor continued. "But now we're back and ready to highlight the forgotten members of Cobra we all know and love!"
"Nobody in Cobra fits that description!" Zartan snapped. "No one in Cobra has ever fit that description!"
"Hey guys in Cobra Command!" Zero waved. "It's us! Boy you have no idea how hard it was finding that base in Buffalo, New York."
"That's because there was no base in Buffalo, New York," Zartan remembered.
"And now some other people are living there," Vapor added. "Boy were they mad when we showed up."
"I think calling the cops was a bit overkill," Zero agreed.
"If only the cops killed them," Zartan sighed.
"Then we remembered the Twins had a few other bases," Zero added. "Looked on the list and made our way here."
"We don't care!" Zartan shouted. "Wait can they see or hear us?"
"We can't see or hear you but we know you're there," Vapor explained.
"Too bad we couldn't see or hear them," Zarana groaned.
"How do they even know where we are?" Zandar asked. "Did they manage to track us somehow?"
"They shouldn't be able to after we destroyed our old phones," Zartan said. "Cobra Commander shot them all. Of course, it would have been nice if we hadn't been carrying them while he was doing it…"
"Since we haven't heard from the rest of Cobra's High Command for a while, we decided to head back to HQ and report," Vapor smiled. "And claim everyone's stuff in case they had been captured or finally managed to kill each other off."
"If only," Zarana quipped.
"How could they find our headquarters when we changed it over at least three times?" Zandar asked.
"They must be at one of the abandoned bases," Zarana sighed.
"It was on our way back that we bumped into today's special guest!" Zero beamed. "Everyone give a hearty welcome to a true Cobra original: Copperhead!"
"HIM?!" Zartan yelped at Copperhead appeared on screen wearing his green uniform and helmet. "I haven't heard from that guy in years!"
"He is pretty forgettable," Zandar commented. "And that's me saying it!"
"I thought he was dead," Zarana remarked.
"Me too," Zartan admitted.
"Time to drive right in!" Vapor smiled readying his notes. "Copperhead's real name is…hmmm. What is your real name?"
"None of your business," Copperhead grunted.
"Of course, it's our business," Zero insisted. "We're doing a show highlighting you. Our viewers want to know!"
"Well people in Hell want ice water," Copperhead glared at them. "Doesn't mean they're gonna get it."
"Aw come on!" Vapor said. "Tell us your real name!"
"Do you know your real names?" Copperhead asked.
"Well, yeah. It's…uh…" Zero blinked. "Gimme a minute. Vapor and I have similar first names. I think they both start with an S…"
"Yes, Simple and Stupid," Zartan snapped.
"Okay, let's just skip over that," Vapor shrugged. "Can you at least tell us where you're from?"
"Sure. Wyoming," Copperhead said.
"Wyoming?" Vapor blinked. "You don't sound like you're from Wyoming."
"This is from a guy who sounds like he belongs in a nuthouse," Zartan quipped.
"Everybody in Cobra sounds like they belong in a nuthouse," Zarana reminded. "Except for the three of us."
"I thought you were native to the Florida Everglades," Zero scratched his head in confusion.
"Well, not at first," Copperhead explained. "I originally grew up in the snowy mountains of Wyoming. As a kid I'd help grow crops and deliver 'em via sled."
"What kind of crops did you grow?" Vapor asked.
"Medicinal stuff," Copperhead whistled. "Most of which are still technically illegal."
"Most? More like all," Zartan snorted.
"Of course, nowadays they've passed some laws making some of the product legal," Copperhead added. "Depending on what county and state you're in."
"Wow. It must have been really hard hauling a heavy sled loaded down with stuff," Zero pointed out.
"Initially yeah," Copperhead admitted. "But that was before I turned it into an air sled using an old Windblaster 2000."
"An air sled?" Vapor blinked. "Is that like an airboat?"
"Pretty much. Only instead of water it glides on snow. It was sweet!" Copperhead grinned. "At full throttle I literally flew down the snow-covered slopes faster than a runaway avalanche!"
"That sounds awesome, man," Zero smiled. "How did you know how fast you were going?"
"By starting a runaway avalanche and staying ahead of it," Copperhead said. "The cops were on my tail and I had to do something to distract 'em."
"That would do it," Zero agreed.
"That explains some of the reckless maneuvers he'd pull when we used to be on missions together," Zandar blinked.
"Don't remind me," Zartan groaned. "That maniac nearly drowned us all after making a tidal wave in a kiddie pool!"
"What was the kiddie pool for again?" Zandar asked. "Was it part of a scheme for taking over the world?"
"No," Zartan waved. "It was for one of our office Christmas parties. Long story."
"Long stupid story," Zarana groaned.
"I managed to evade the avalanche just fine," Copperhead went on. "Unfortunately, I ended up crashing into a ranger station and setting it on fire. The smoke from my burning cargo made me so confused I barely managed to escape before the avalanche caught up and buried it all."
"If only it had buried him with it," Zarana sighed.
"Fortunately for me," Copperhead went on. "I wasn't the only one that got confused by the burning cargo. Man, those cops and rangers are really fun guys once they mellow out."
"Wait are you saying…?" Vapor did a double take.
"That was one wild party," Copperhead snickered. "Ranger Dave had a secret stash of beer in a cave nearby. Then we all decided to go out and hold up a liquor store. Unfortunately, after we did that other cops showed up and things got a little messy…"
"And by a little messy you mean…?" Zero asked.
"There was a shootout," Copperhead said. "Lot of people got shot and I stole a police car to get away."
"That sounds like our Christmas parties," Zartan quipped.
"Anyway, with my air sled gone and a list of crimes with a statute of limitations set to expire sometime the century after next I skedaddled outta there and eventually made my way to Florida," Copperhead explained.
"Ah, and that's when you became intimately familiar with the Everglades," Vapor nodded.
"Yep," Copperhead confirmed. "I build my own airboat from a kit and used my previous experience with air sledding to swamp the competition in the wide world of airboat racing. And I'm not being figurative. I literally swamped their boats with water as I passed by them."
"I thought you raced speedboats," Vapor blinked checking his notes.
"I did that too," Copperhead admitted. "I've raced both airboats and speedboats in high stakes races in Miami, Monaco and Japan. Man, that was the life! There's nothing chicks like more than to ride an Outlaw engine putting out over nine hundred horsepower!"
"Wow, sounds like those women really liked your boat," Zero said.
"Boat?" Copperhead repeated. "Oh yeah. They liked riding that too."
"Phrasing," Zero quipped.
"Okay, this is starting to get good," Zandar blinked.
"I wonder if he still has any old racing connections?" Zartan thought aloud.
"You sickos!" Zarana whacked her brothers on their heads. "And you wonder why there aren't any other women in the Dreadnoks! Now that I think about it I wonder why I'm in the Dreadnoks!"
"Unfortunately, my racing career eventually came to an abrupt halt and I had to flee once again," Copperhead sighed.
"Who were you running from?" Vapor asked. "The police? The military? The Yazuka? Old girlfriends?"
"Nope. My bookies," Copperhead coughed. "I had started placing bets on my own races and was really raking in the cash. That is until I started betting on myself."
"Of course," Zartan sighed.
"After I lost a few hundred thousand bucks I tried going back to betting against myself," Copperhead went on. "But by then my bookies had caught on and were demanding I give back all the money I'd won. Which was kind of hard since I didn't have much money left."
"Some things never change," Zandar quipped.
"Is that why you joined Cobra?" Zero asked. "For protection and to make enough money to pay off your bookies?"
"Pretty much," Copperhead shrugged. "Of course, after I joined Cobra all my bookies suffered mysterious 'accidents' so I didn't have to worry about 'em."
"O-kay," Vapor blinked.
"Fun fact," Zartan remarked. "Turned out a lot of Cobra High Command used almost all the same bookies."
"I know," Zandar said. "Another fun fact. Guess who they used to get rid of the bookies?"
"But it didn't matter. I had learned my lesson and swore never to make another bet for myself again," Copperhead declared.
"Really? How did you manage to do that?" Zero asked. "Did you join Gamblers Anonymous or something?"
"Nope. I became a bookie and ran all of Cobra's gambling pools," Copperhead grinned.
"I should have known," Zarana groaned.
"Now I know better," Copperhead shrugged. "I made way more money running the pools than by participating in them! And more importantly, I was the guy breaking bones instead of the other way around! So, listen up kids, don't waste your life and money gambling. Go into being a bookie!"
"Now we know!" Vapor said cheerfully.
"And knowing is a damn good reason to hire some new people," Zartan groaned.
"I tell ya, I made more money handling bets around here my first year then I had ever made racing," Copperhead smiled behind his mask. "Especially on Destro and the Baroness. With all the breakups, fights and makeups those two have had I could have bought Cobra lock, stock and barrel three times over!"
"WHAT?" Zartan choked.
"He's had money all this time?" Zandar was stunned.
"He won't have it for long," Zarana growled. "Not after I'm finished with him!"
"Whoa, that's totally cool! You must be rich!" Zero gazed at Copperhead in awe. "Hey, you mind lending me a few bucks?"
"Sorry, can't," Copperhead declined. "Or more accurately won't. I didn't get rich lending money to deadbeats."
"Fair enough," Zero shrugged.
"And why spend my own money when I could hack into Cobra's accounts?" Copperhead added. "It really cuts down on my expenses. In fact, I've spent some funds working a little project of my own."
"Oh yeah. You're also a mechanic," Vapor checked his notes. "So, can you tell us what you've been working on?"
"Better yet, I'll show you," Copperhead headed out of the room.
"Okay, let's go," Vapor and Zero grabbed the camera and followed him.
"Oh boy. This outta be good," Zartan mocked. "NOT!"
"Here we are," The camera showed Copperhead standing on a dock. "Behold my latest creation: Lucille!"
"Lucille?" Vapor blinked at a wicked, robust airboat with an enormous fan and engines tied up at the dock.
"Yep, named after Lucille Ball. First lady of comedy. She's my pride and joy," Copperhead beamed proudly. "She's three times as fast as our old Water Moccasins and boasts double the firepower!"
"She's beautiful," Zero whistled. "She must have cost a fortune!"
"She did," Copperhead nodded. "Fortunately, I didn't pay a dime. I just embezzled the money in Cobra's accounts."
"WHAT?" Zartan yelled.
"So much for the millions we have left," Zandar groaned.
"That stereo system alone cost a couple grand," Copperhead pointed. "And that was before I signed up for Sirius XM."
"Whoa, cool!" Zero gaped. "Can we have a ride?"
"Sure, strap yourselves in," Copperhead grinned.
"Oh boy!" Vapor and Zero eagerly did so. "Hey, what are these cans of Scotchgard for?"
"To prevent blood splatters from soaking into the seats when someone gets sucked into the prop," Copperhead smiled in the pilot seat. "Don't worry, it only happens every other time I take her out."
"What?" Vapor and Zero yelped.
"What do you mean every other time?" Vapor shouted. "Is this one of the other times?"
"Wait! Maybe we should think about this…!" Zero gulped.
"They never have before. Why start now?" Zartan quipped.
"Oh this will be amusing," Zarana grinned. "I hope they die horribly."
"Here we go!" Copperhead threw open the throttle.
WWWWWWHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSHHHHHH!
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Vapor and Zero screamed as the airboat shot away from the dock.
"Odds are yes," Zartan grinned.
"Well, that's one way to get rid of those two idiots," Zandar said as the airboat quickly sped out of sight. "Let's hope they finally manage to stay gone!"
"Wait a second. That dock looks kind of familiar," Zarana stared at the screen. "Isn't there one just like that near the waterfront?"
CCCCCCRRRAAAAAASSSHHHHHH!
"YAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" The three siblings screamed as the airboat smashed through the wall and blew through the conference room.
"YAAAHHHOOOOOOOOO!" Copperhead whooped maniacally.
"AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!" Vapor and Zero shrieked in terror.
CRRRUUUNNNCCCHHHHHH!
"Ohhh," Zartan groaned having been run over by the airboat. "That…hurt…"
"Looks like we may have to abandon yet another base," Zandar moaned at the sounds of the airboat tearing its way through the halls. "These things don't even last as long as members of the current administration's cabinet!"
"At least this base has a chance of being repaired," Zarana pointed out. "And has been more useful and productive then that lot ever has!"
"Which is why a Dreadnok-run Cobra will someday rule the world," Zartan winced at the sounds of more of the base being wrecked. "Eventually…"
"AAAAHHHHH!" The other Dreadnoks were heard screaming.
"I'm really starting to hate the fools responsible for all this," Zandar snapped. "Next time we see Vapor and Zero let's turn them into animals!"
"Dumb animals," Zarana added. "Especially ones that don't talk!"
"They won't be breathing if I ever get a hold of them again," Zartan twitched. "I can't think of anyone who hates those two twits more than I do right now!"
Somewhere far, far away…In a tent somewhere…
"THIS IS INTOLERABLE!" Cobra Commander screamed watching the show via Crystal Ball. "THOSE TWO SCENE-STEALING HACKS HAVE WRECKED MY BASE AGAIN! THEY WILL SUFFER FOR THIS!"
"They aren't the only ones," Crystal Ball moaned as Cobra Commander ranted. "I swear, the person who comes up with a way to have people pay for certain shows not to be made is going to make a fortune!"