"Right," Jared let out, clearly hurt by her confession.
"Jared, I," she stopped as she saw him turn away and look out to the horizon. "I'm sorry." She added quietly glancing up to him.
Jared licked his bottom lip and blinked his eyes back to her. "Why?" He said slowly. "What are you sorry for?"
Chris nodded, knowing that she deserved this slight anger from him. "For making you part of my mess. For making you think it's your fault. It's not. Me feeling this is my issue. My mess." She replied softly.
"And where exactly does that leave me? Or is that what you are getting at? I'm in the way and you need time, want space? Want to take a break?" He hung his head slightly as that last part came out.
Chris closed her eyes and exhaled. "No!" It came out louder, with a hint of frustration. She stepped closer and placed her hands on his forearms, tugging his hands from his pockets. "I, I am just frustrated like you Jared. All that shit that happened, that I still have no real answers, no way of knowing why, of getting closure right now."
"I know why." He mumbled quietly as he slowly let her pull his hands up and take them.
"What?" She asked eyeing him.
"Like I said a while ago, I would place all of my bets on the fact Street has feelings for you." He let go of her hands and nodded for her to walk. Chris moved to keep walking with him. "When he broke up with Molly, I would bet my bottom dollar that he was hoping you two would work it out, but then he found out you had met me and…... See why it feels like I'm in the way." Jared finished not looking at her, but she could hear the hurt and fear in his voice.
Chris looked down at her feet. Inside she had felt the same thing. She had felt like he had dumped Molly because of what she had said to him, and that he wanted to see if those mutual feelings were still there. But she knew she had to make Jared understand that was not her plan here. Only she had the power to do that and make him see.
"Jared, even if that's true. That doesn't mean I want to start anything with him. Like you said. I met you."
He pursed his lips and shook his head slightly in a sad smile. "Yeah, but maybe if you hadn't. You and he could of…"
"Okay stop!" Chris said with a harder tone as her feet dug in. Jared stopped and looked at her, she could see he looked a bit jaded. Like he was already resigning himself to the fact that she could have something with Street and shouldn't have met him.
He stood looking back at her for a second before she pointed to the garden wall. "Will you sit please?" She asked. He gave a small nod and walked a few steps to sit on the retaining wall. She moved to sit next to him and took his hand in both of hers. Sitting on the wall, holding his hand in hers she slowly glanced up to him. He was looking down at their hands but met her eyes as she spoke.
"Do you remember when I told you about my life before Virginia?" She asked and he simply nodded. "Good, I was in a mess. My life sucked. I told you about being stuck in that rut and promising myself I would make the changes to make myself happy again."
"Uh huh," he muttered, acknowledging her words, and glancing at his feet.
"When I got the chance to go to Virginia, over everyone else. I felt guilty. Felt like I didn't deserve it. But then Deacon, made me realise that I do deserve this. I have worked hard, and I should go. So, I did." She watched him. He just nodded listening but wasn't meeting her eyes.
"In Virginia, I intended on doing my best, getting the most out of it and coming back here to hopefully win the TLI competition, and ultimately further my career. I certainly never intended on meeting anyone. I didn't go there looking for a relationship Jared. Honestly, that was the furthest thing from my mind." He slightly turned his head to look at her. She saw the fear in his eyes, the uncertainty as he didn't know what she was getting at. "Then well, you came along, and I lost my mind, lost my marbles, so to speak. You made me put down those walls that I always hold up so high. You made me open up and bend my rules, somehow, you had an effect on me that I can't explain or deny. You, the blue-eyed hero in the dark auditorium who walked up and saved the day." That made him chuckle slightly.
"Hardly." He whispered, wearing a smile.
"No, Jared, I'm serious. I wasn't planning on this. I wasn't even considering a relationship anytime soon. I was focusing on finding my own place, which I did, and then on doing whatever I could to be the best SWAT officer that I could be." He nodded and squeezed her hand as she continued, "But then you came along when I least expected it." She stood up, moving to stand between his legs. He flicked his eyes up to her.
"Remember when you took me on that date on your last night here?" She asked, he nodded. "I told you about trying to find my happy, and you asked if you were part of that happy?" He nodded with a small smile as he remembered. "Well, you are Jared!" She said with emphasis. "You make me happy. No, I wasn't looking for this, but life throws curve balls at us all the time and you, you were definitely a curve ball, but you are a curve ball that I am glad I caught."
That made him smile and look up to her as she placed her hands on his shoulders.
"I know all this other shit, baggage, I guess. That we both have is scary and hard. But I want this." He didn't answer her right away. He sat looking up at her as she looked back at him. Finally, he slid his hands up her arms and stood up to wrap his arms around her. Holding her against his chest. They stood there in each other's arms for what felt like an eternity. Chris just listening to the sound of his heartbeat.
She felt him looking down at her, so she bit her lip and looked up.
"I'm sorry," was forming in her mouth but she never got the chance to say it as he grabbed her face and kissed her hard. She lost her train of thought as she kissed him back.
When he finally, pulled back she saw the tear stains on his cheek.
"Hey, why are you crying?" She asked grabbing his face, not letting him turn away from her. He shook his head as if to shake it away. He felt silly.
"It's nothing, I,"
"Tell me!" She demanded.
"You, I, I was so scared this was it, that you were gunna walk away, I…" She grabbed his face again and stared at him.
"I'm not going anywhere. We can do this together. I know we can. We just have to be open, honest and remember what is important." He glanced up to her with a smile, "Us." She said smiling back at him.
After a few more intimate moments they walked hand in hand back towards the hotel. Chris was still trying to decide where to next, so she turned to him.
"What?" He asked looking at her face, he could see she was in deep thought.
"I'm just trying to work out what our next step should be. What we do now?" She mumbled.
"Now? As in tonight? Or from here on out?" He looked back at her questioningly.
"Now, tonight." She answered. "We just got through the future stuff," she chuckled, shoving him playfully. "You know I'm in this."
"Okay, okay," he chuckled rubbing his arm and laughing. Then looking back at her a bit more serious. "You don't have to stay the night Chris. We can slow it down and go back a step there." He squeezed her hands. "I know you wanna do this right. You want this to work out, so the ball is in your court." Chris blinked slowly and stared at her feet for a second.
"Thank you, but I have no idea what I want to do. I mean the thought of sleeping in your arms again, is, is well perfect," she gushed.
"But?" He prompted.
"I can't help but feel like time apart would help settle both of our emotions and let us get our heads straight about all of that news today." As she finished, she dreaded looking back at him. She was scared her words would have absolutely broken him.
As Chris arrived back at her apartment, she had to admit that she was emotionally exhausted. The choice to sleep apart wasn't an easy one, but as she stood looking in the mirror at herself. Lost in her own reflection of that crazy day, she really felt like she needed some alone time. Needed to get her head straight. As much as she loved Jared and hated not being with him, she knew this was the right choice after today.
She showered and flopped into bed, texting him another apology and a goodnight before sleep pulled her in and she was lost in her dreamland.
With the first few gentle rays of daylight, her alarm began to play softly. She felt herself waking from her dream, and it took her a second to remember all that happened yesterday. She frowned a bit and sighed as she reached for her phone. There was a message from Jared. She had fallen asleep on him last night and felt so bad and guilty for it.
"Night Babe. I miss you. I hope you're okay. I'm sorry about all of this too, but you are right. If we stick together, we will get through it. Xx Sweet dreams." She read. Before replying,
"Hey you. I'm sorry, I fell asleep fast, I was just so drained. I'll see you soon for breakfast."
And with that she rolled out of bed and got ready.
"Good morning you, I know you were. Hope that sleep helped. I love you. See you soon."
She smiled a big smile seeing his reply. She just hoped she had made all of the right choices and really hadn't ruined things.
The smell of the freshly ground coffee filled Jared's nostrils as he lent on the counter.
"2 latte's please," he smiled at the barista before he took the table number and wondered out to sit in the front courtyard of the café. Chris hadn't arrived yet. So, he picked up the menu and began scanning it.
"Hey," she wandered up behind him, sliding an arm around his shoulder and kissing his cheek.
"Hey," he grinned grabbing her and kissing her softly back. "God, I missed you." He whispered.
"I know. Me too." She smiled as she placed down her bag and sat down opposite him.
"How are you feeling today?" She asked as he looked at her.
"Okay, you?"
"Better, calmer, quieter." She added pointing to her head.
"Good, I'm glad." He answered reaching for her hand. She nodded and smiled.
"So, what are you having?" She asked flapping the menu in her free hand, changing the subject, not wanting to get bogged down in emotional stuff again.
"Um, I dunno, any recommendations?" He asked.
As Chris went to speak, she paused seeing Molly walking towards them and the doors of the café. Her eyes lingered on her for a second, making Jared turn to look.