Hey, hey. Thank you for your patients. Not going to lie, I wrote myself in to a bind with that last chapter and took a while for me to find my groove back. I hope all is well. Warning: Heavy on the language in this chapter as well as some really dark themes.
Enjoy and stay Caffeinated~
Chp.15
Everything feels so…..heavy…
My mouth is thick and dry. A shiver runs through me, but I'm not cold. In fact, I still feel very hot. Practically sweltering.
I try to move, to shift, but my limbs would not listen. I struggle to lift my eyes and through the hazy blurr I see white….and blue…
The form leans down over me allowing me to make out a face…
Bankotsu…
Why is he so close to me?
I close my eyes again for a moment trying to get my vision to focus. I feel something cool slide across my forehead before traveling down the side of my face stopping at my neck and then moving to do the same on the other side.
Faintly, I can make out his voice…low….calm…but I could hear something else. Irritation? Annoyance?
Damnnit! Why can't I move!?
"…heal her…excuse…"
"...trying…time…strong…"
"…not a patient man…."
Who was he threatening now?
I twitch my mouth trying to get it to form words, but to no avail. More exchanging of words occur, but I couldn't make any of it out.
I feel someone pry my mouth open and a thick bitter sludge oozes on to my tongue and down my throat. I gag, but they press my mouth shut leaving no way for me to spit it back out. Begrudgingly, I swallow.
My stomach churns in protest, but whatever it was, was fast acting. I feel Bankotsu wipe my forehead again as I give in to the weight that seems to settle on my chest.
Perhaps if I sleep….everything….will be…ok….
CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
I bury my head under my covers as I try to tune out father's hammering. After a few failed attempts to fall back asleep, I throw my covers off and sit up.
"Give it a rest, old man!"
I hear him chuckle up front and his hammering gets louder and harder. Despite my own irritation, I chuckle too as I run a hand through my hair, but freeze. A wave of nausea hits me as I take in my surroundings….my home?….my room?...I was on the larger mat meant for two….but that wasn't right…..this was my dad's bed…..right?
My eyes continue to scan the rest of the room…counting…including the larger mat I was on, there were four beds total….why would we need this many beds?
I go to stand only to pause…waiting for the second wave nausea to go away. Instinctively, I place a hand on my stomach, "Ease up will ya…or else I'll throw up on the bed again…and we both don't want that…"
The nausea subsides, but I remain stone-still. This time out of fear. I look down to see my slightly extended belly.
I scream.
"Yaruki! Yaruki, calm down. Look at me, shhhhh. Look at me."
He gently takes my face in to his worn worked hands, and our mirrored eyes meet. My scream dies as I stare at my father who was a lot greyer than I remember with panic plastered on his face.
"What is it? What's wrong?"
It takes a minute for me to find my voice again, "I….I….I'm pregnant…"
We share a moment of silence, before his face deadpans, "NOT. FUNNY. YARUKI!"
I blink in disbelief. "W-what?"
He stands running a hand through his hair and exhaling, "Goddammit, yaruki. THAT WASN'T FUNNY. I WAS REALLY SCARED."
"YOU'RE SCARED!? I WOKE UP PREGNANT!"
My father folds his arms over his chest, and I could see him struggling to keep his anger in check, "It's not funny, yaruki. Stop!"
I feel my throat seal shut as I look up at him completely confused. My eyes begin to sting," D-daddy…..I'm pregnant…..I…"
I see his anger melt in to concern as he crouches down in front of me again. He places a hand on my forehead before comparing it with his own, "Yes, Ruki…" he begins gently cupping my face, "You're pregnant…with your third child. You're also married."
I stare blankly at him in disbelief.
"Do you remember their names?"
"…"
"Yaruki. Tell me your son's name."
I start to shake, "I….don't…..I…." Tears begin to fall down the sides of my face, "I….don't have children…..I….I…"
He pulls me in to his chest like he use to when I was little, "Shhhhh, its ok. I'll call the doctor, ok. It's ok." He rocks me gently for a moment. "Your son's name is Ryuji. You have a little girl too. Her name is Misaki."
We stay like this for a moment before I am able to sum up the courage to ask….but I already know the answer.
"And…..and my husband…."
I feel him look down at me and give a soft chuckle, "Your husband's name is Bankostu."
I throw up on him.
"Hmmm…has she shown any signs of this before?"
I watch the doctor go through his routine checkup. Looking at my eyes, my throat, and my limbs. Tilting my head this way and that way.
"No." My father begins, "I mean…she's been a bit tired these past few days, but nothing to the point of forgetting her family."
"They aren't my family." I say softly, but he either ignores me or doesn't hear me.
"Well, I am not seeing anything out of the ordinary. Have you struck your head on anything recently?"
"Does it look like I've struck my head on anything?"
"Yaruki!"
My eyes flick over to my annoyed father and I sigh, "No."
I catch the doctor's lingering glare which I return before he stands and begins addressing my father directly.
I scan the room again. None of this is real. It all feels real…the warmth of my father comforting me feels so real…but…I know it's not….he's dead….I watched him die….I just have to remember that….and find a way to wake up….wake up from this bitter sweet nightmare.
"…could be faking…"
"….never done this….not like her…"
"…lonely….women do this…..keep her busy…."
I look over to the two men whispering and exhale. "It's not real." I mutter softly to myself "I just need to wake up."
I watch as my father pays and thanks the doctor before seeing him out. After a few minutes he returns and sighs rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. He only did that when he was about to say something he know would piss me off.
I shake my head and roll my eyes. I don't want to be mad at him…I want to be happy that he is here…alive…in front of me…but this is not my father…my father would believe me…he would believe me when I say this isn't right.
"Yaruki.."
I look up towards his expectant face.
"I said why don't you get up. Do some cleaning or cook something. I know you said yesterday that there were some things you needed to get done today. Perhaps now's a good time to start."
I look away from him for a moment then up at the ceiling.
There has to be a way I can wake up.
"Where are they?" I ask flatly as I continue to search for my way out.
"…Bankotsu took Ryuji out to hunt…" He chuckles softly, "And you know Misaki…never wanting to be left out of things. Pitched an entire fit when Bankotsu told her no. I'm surprised you didn't wake up then."
I reach out to the nearest wall and press on it….
knock on it…
...maybe if I can find something that is off….
..something not "normal" ...
...maybe that'll help…..
"Yaruki…"
I continue to examine the wall.
"Yaruki!"
"What!?"
His brows furrow as he returns my glare, "I want you up and moving in a few minutes. You're not going to lie around here all day."
"Fine…whatever…" I go back to examining the wall….
...there must be something…
From the corner of my eye I see my…that man….linger for a moment…a look of concern on his face, but he steps out and after a few moments of rummaging, I hear him return to work.
I stand sliding my hands and fingers over my father craftsmanship of our walls
…none of this is real….
I stop after a moment. "My bow and arrow!" Maybe if I have something that is real…something connected to my waking world…
I turn the room over, looking for my bow and arrow or perhaps my coin purse. I flip the beds over, tossing blankets here and there, rummage through the trunks while ignoring the children's clothing I come across.
I become more agitated as I come up empty handed.
None of this is real…
None of this is real…
I sit in the center of the torn apart room trying to steady the panic that was growing within me.
"Wake up…wake up….WAKE UP" I smash the base of my palm against my forehead. "Wake up you stupid idiot!"
I feel the parasite within me shift and my palm begins to itch for my blade.
None of this is real.
"Momma!"
Again my stomach churns as I listen to the quickened patter of feet approach the room.
"Momma! I caught a rabbit. Look! Look!"
I shirk away from the tiny hands grabbing on to me as if they burned.
"Misa…stop…momma doesn't like rabbits."
"She's not a wuss like you, Ryu. Momma shoots rabbits all the time. Momma, Ryu was scare to kill a rabbit. He cried and everything."
"I did not!"
"Yes he did! Even papa got annoyed."
"Shut up!"
I watch in silent horror at the two forms arguing before me. The boy was clearly the eldest…possibly around 7 or 8…tanned skinned…messy black hair….he had my eyes….
The girl was younger…perhaps six, long wild black hair that apparently could not be tamed with a simple plait and skin that was just a bit paler than her brother's, but she possessed the more dominating personality. I could tell by the way she stood…her little chest poked out, head held high…she had his eyes…his arrogance….
….I hated them both…
"See, Momma! Look at how big the rabbit I caught is!"
I kept my eyes on the boy, his face paling as he looks at the dead rabbit in his sister's hand. He had a gentler disposition clearly…which was rather ironic given that he mirrored Bankotsu the most…just with short hair and violet eyes.
He probably did cry…Bankotsu probably did get annoyed with him.
...he's always trying to make Ryuji…!...
I stop myself. Shaking my head and closing my eyes….I don't know these people…I am not their mother.
"Momma, Look!"
I slap the rabbit out of her hand as hard as I could, and she gasps taking a startled step back and behind her brother. I stare at the hurt look in her little face as tears begin to quietly well up in her eyes, "I see your fucking rabbit! I just don't give a shit!"
The two were stunned in to silence as I continue to glare at the both of them.
"Hey, you two…how about you go help grandpa, ya?"
Immediately, the girl runs out of the room. Probably to keep me from seeing her cry…
Misaki never liked people to see her cry. Not since the festival….
"Momma said bad words at us…she never does that…" I hear the boy whisper.
"I heard. She's sick right now….don't worry."
I watch as he makes his way out of the room, "Feel better, Momma."
"I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER!"
"Hey!"
I finally direct my glare to him. His attire is similar to what his waking counterpart wore minus the armor and his bottoms are brown with a blue top. His hair is loose and he stands before me, arms crossed tightly over his chest.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
"What the fuck did you do to me?"
"What?"
I stand, "What did you do to me?! Where am I?!"
"Yaruki, calm down. What are you talking about?!"
"DON'T FUCKING COME NEAR ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
"Yaruki…"
I back further away from him feeling the panic rising in my chest. I had to wake up. I couldn't be trapped here. Not with him….not with them…
"You killed him…"
"What?"
"You killed him. YOU KILLED MY FATHER! None of this is real…you…you….aren't…"
My head begins to throb and I slide down the wall I had pressed my back up against, "None…of...this….why can't I wake up….I'm trapped here…."
I feel him take my hands in to his…I feel him caress my cheek…
"You're not trapped…just breathe….tell me what's wrong…."
This wasn't him….this wasn't that Bankotsu…my Bankotsu…this was an imposter….just like that man wasn't my father
…None of this is real….
...none of them know…
I feel him guide me over to the bed, kicking away the mess I made earlier that day, and lay me down.
"Just sleep for a bit ok. I'll wake you when dinner is ready."
"You're a murderer."
"…"
"You kill people for fun."
"I mean…I've gotten in to my fair share of fights when I was younger….but…I've never killed anyone."
"….you kill people…that's what you do…"
"Just get some rest ok."
I watch as he stands and walks out the door. I stare up at our ceiling trying to ignore the twists and shifts from the parasite. I close my eyes…practically squeezing my lids shut…
Wake up.
Wake up.
Wake. Up.
Jakotsu…Renkotsu…Genkotsu… Jakotsu…Renkotsu…Genkotsu… Jakotsu…Renkotsu…Genkotsu… Jakotsu…Renkotsu…Genkotsu… Jakotsu…Renkotsu…Genkotsu… Jakotsu…Renkotsu…Genkotsu…
I clutch the fabric of my kimono as I continue to glare in to the fire…chanting….
Three days….three days I've been stuck here…in this same room…with these…..these people…
My stomach gnaws at my inners in protest…the parasite squirms and kicks me….
None of this is real….
The children walk carefully around me….wanting to speak to me….wanting to show me stupid little things they've collected throughout the day…but fear keeps them at a distance….fear forces them to speak in soft whispers…
I. Am. Not. Their. Mother.
I keep my gaze focused and forwards to the flames. Chanting their names….trying not to forget them.
Jakotsu…Renkotsu…Genkotsu… Jakotsu…Renkotsu…Genkotsu… Jakotsu…Renkotsu…Genkotsu… Jakotsu…Renkotsu… Jakotsu…Renkotsu…
This world's Bankotsu is sickeningly perfect…gentle yet firm…assertive, but not cruel…but he doesn't know me…..he hasn't learned me like the other Bankotsu…he doesn't know what to do with this defiance…
I smash things, throw things, spit at them, cuss at them…these people are not my family…
…but it hurts….
It hurts me to see them hurt…it hurts me when I make the little girl cry…it hurts me when I push the boy away from me…It hurts when I see this Bankotsu finally give up on me for the day…It hurts when I see the disappointment in my father's eyes…
But they are not my family…
…And none of this is real…
But I can't escape.
Whenever I approach the darkened doorway, someone emerges, pushing me back into this room. Coaxing me to rest, or to clean, or to let them take care of whatever it is I needed.
But it didn't matter….for that doorway only leads to this room. I spent an entire night walking through that accursed loop. Stepping past its threshold only to walk back in to this room on the other side….there was no house…no smith shop….no other room….despite the sounds I hear coming from the darkness.
There was no outside either…only a vas sea of white nothingness….at least… according to the small window in the corner…
Jakotsu… Jakotsu… Jakotsu… Jakotsu… Jakotsu… Jakotsu… Jakotsu… Jakotsu… Jakotsu… Jakotsu…
"Momma…why do you hate us?"
I clench my eyes shut….ignoring his stupid voice…
"I'm sorry momma….please….don't hate us…we'll do better…."
I feel tears sting my eyes, "You're not real." I choke out, "You're not real…."
"I'm real….I promise….I won't go anywhere." He sets his warm hand on top of mine, and I watch as he crawls in to my lap, snuggling against my chest. "I just want you to feel better momma…"
….he's not real…
"You have to stop being afraid to hunt." I begin softly as I continue to look at him. He casts his eyes down a bit in embarrassment.
"I know…I just… don't like killing things…"
….he's not real…
"…it gets easier…with time…" I continue to watch him for a moment as he plays with my fingers. Stretching them out gently before pressing them together again…isolating one finger up at a time before turning my hand over to trace the lines of my palm.
….They are not real…
"…bring me your father's hunting knife."
He freezes.
"…along with a rabbit." I add carefully, "…If you're not going to kill them….you need to learn how to skin them."
He doesn't move at first, but I'm patient. I close my eyes keeping my breathing steady.
"Papa said he'll show me-"
"He'll show you how to butcher it. I'm showing you how to skin it. Now do as I say."
He remains in my lap for a moment or two longer before finally standing and making his way to the door.
"Get your sister too. She needs to learn as well."
Jakotsu… Jakotsu… Jakotsu… Jakotsu… Jakotsu… Jakotsu… Jakotsu…
I continue to stare in to the flames. The freshly skinned rabbit is cooking on the spit above the embers as its pelt rested on the floor in front of me to dry.
I hear my father emerge from the darkness of the door way, "I knew I smelled something good."
"Shhh!" I snap, but I never take my eyes off the flames, "They just fell asleep."
He huffs indignantly, "Well good luck trying to get them to sleep tonight."
I make no response and he lingers in front of the door for a moment before I hear him step towards the children.
"Can you bring another blanket over to them? I think Misaki was shivering not too long ago."
I hear him stop and give a small affirming grunt before turning towards his bedding.
"I'm glad to see you're doing better, Ruki. I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't worried." I hear him gather some of his bedding, and I stand as he makes his way back over to the children.
"I'm sorry." I say softly as I watch him spread out the bedding over them.
"It's alright. As long as you're feeling better. That's all that matters."
"I'm so sorry…"
Tears steam down my cheeks as I pull the bloodied blade from the hiding spot in my kimono sleeve.
"….I'm so sorry, daddy…."
None of this is real…
….They weren't real…
…..they weren't real…..
Another sob escapes me in the darkness as I continue to clutch the fabric of my kimono. The fire had died out hours ago after I killed Bankotsu…
…Everything was so quiet…
….They weren't real…
…..they weren't real…..
….They weren't real…
…..they weren't real…..
Another ragged sob escapes me as I pick the blade back up and continue to carve away the wood floor.
Why wasn't I waking up!
No one was left to keep up this stupid game… so why wasn't I waking up.
"WAKE UP!"
I stab the floor.
"WAKE UP!"
I stab it again
"WAKE. UP!"
I take in another haggard breath as the silence and darkness swallow my scream.
No one was left….
This should have worked….
No one was left to continue this lie….
Why didn't it work..no one is left…..no one but me…no one….no one…..no one….one…no one….
….but…
…me.
I grab hold of the blade again.
"…No one but me."
I prop myself up with the palm of my good hand.
"….just me…"
I press the blade firmly against my throat…
"Wake up you fucking idiot."
My body jerks awake and I breathe deep. My nails dig into the soil beneath me as I continue to selfishly gulp the air around me. My eyes stare up at the canopy of leaves rustling above me in the night's breeze as slowly but surely my senses return.
"I-i-i-impossible…"
I fight against the urge to fall back asleep and begin to work my way in to an upright position. My limbs felt heavy, but I knew it was a trick. I was fine….I was fine….I. Am. Fine.
"Y-y-you….you shouldn't…..that…THAT WAS MY STRONGEST POISON!"
I roll to my stomach and begin to push myself up as best I can.
"Stop! STOP!"
A force suddenly presses my head to the ground, pushing my face roughly into the dirt, "You need to go back to sleep~ It's not quite time…not time at all…..We still have the ceremony to get through. I'll wake you before we consummate our marriage darling. Have no fear."
The figure manages to flip me to my back allowing me to get a better look at him as he grabs hold of my throat and tightens his grip.
Shock halts my fights of protest as I look upon the ugly man I saved from the brothel.
Had he followed me all this way?
He presses his weight down more on my neck, "Sleep now my beautiful angel. Rest well so that you can be ready for your husband."
I hear the blood begin to rush in that same steady throbbing that I've come to consider a companion after all this time.
All of this.
Everything I just went through.
All OF IT….just so he could MARRY ME!?
The grotesque man lets out a piercing scream as I dig my blade deeper in to the side of his shoulder. He jerks back snatching himself free and stumbling to his butt Clutching his arm as a deep crimson begins to stain the white fabric.
The delicious throbbing pulsing noise grows as I stand and make my way towards him.
Their screams still ring in my ears…the pleading…the confusion on their little faces….My father's hesitance in defending himself…the look of betrayal….of hurt…the shock in Bankotsu's eyes…
They were not real…..
...but their deaths were.
And I would be lying if I said that something-deep within me-did not enjoy the process.
The cold precision of it all…
their systematic execution…
the look on their faces once the realization set in.
And I had him to thank for it. This grotesque wounded whimpering creature before me.
"I want to be angry." I say softly as I continue to step toward him, "I want to be so mad at you right now that I just fly in to a blind rage and crave your fucking face open."
I grab hold of his cheeks as I kneel down in front of him, "But I can't…...fly in to a rage that is."
I move my hands so that I was gripping his chin and I press the tip of my blade between his eyes.
"Because I HAVE to admit that I liked what I had to do to wake up."
The blade presses harder against his skin and draws blood.
"And I know I should feel so guilty about it."
I smile and shrug.
"But I don't. In fact, I don't really feel much of anything right now…except for an itch."
My grip tightens, "An itch that carving in to your face can scratch. But don't worry, sweet husband. Anything I do would be an improvement."
I watch as his eyes flicker past me and widen.
"H-help me…"
"Yaruki…"
I feel my eye twitch suddenly at her voice.
"Yaruki…you're safe now. You don't need to do this."
"But she can if she wants to."
I catch the slightest hint of excitement in Bankotsu's voice as I feel his eyes burn in to my back.
"But there is no need-"
"He lied to us. Tried to kidnap her. I think that is more than enough of a reason."
I hear Okimi step forwards, "You won't get paid-"
Bankotsu gives off a hard snort, "Says who? I'd pay just to see if she'd actually do it."
I bit down on my lower lip as I continue to stare down at the trembling man in front of me, "Ookimi…don't watch, ok?"
"Yaruki, listen to me. I know you're mad-"
"Uhhhhuggggg," I could almost see Bankotsu run an agitated hand through his bangs, "I knew I should have fucking killed you when I had the chance."
I grit my teeth as I press the blade harder in to his skin. he squirms beneath my hands but I have him pinned in a way that anymore movement would only cause the blade to cut his face, "Okimi….please…just…walk away…"
"You're better than this-"
Bankotsu lets out a strange noise as I hear him take several quick steps forwards.
"Don't you fucking touch her, Bankotsu!"
He exhales slowly and grumbles, but stops moving.
I close my eyes as I struggle to decide what to do. She was right. I didn't need to do this…but I wanted too.
"Please, Yaruki…"
I exhale slowly.
"…Can you not….just….for me…."
"Oh my god…"
"For your dad even…"
"You mean the one who's dead and doesn't actually give a shit?"
I let go of the man's face to spin around and point my blade a Bankotsu, "FUCK. YOU!"
"Well he doesn't!"
I slowly close my free fist causing my knuckles to crack, "You know what, Okimi, you're right. I'm above this and more importantly, I'm better than him."
"GODDAMNIT!"
I tuck the blade back in to the hidden sheath against and step towards the smiling Okimi. From the corner of my eye, I see Bankotsu pinch the bridge of his nose fully frustrated.
"You're just going to have to find some other way to get off huh?" I flash him a cocky smile, and he gives me a hard side glare before directing his attention to the man.
"Hey!"
The man jolts to attention.
"Either you die where you stand, or you join my team."
I feel my heart and my jaw drop as my cocky smile finds its way to his lips.
"YOU'RE JOKING!?"
He gives me a casual shrug, "He's good at poisons. I don't have anyone who's good with poisons."
"HE TRIED TO KIDNAP ME…HE WAS LITERALLY DRAGGING ME OFF IN TO THE WOODS WHILE YOU SLEPT!! AND THAT'S AFTER FOLLOWING US FOR ONLY GOD KNOWS HOW LONG!"
"First of all, to be honest, there was a slight mist in the air, so he potentially knocked us out so he could drag you away. Not absolutely sure about that, but I'm still a bit groggy even now."
"HOW IS THAT ANY BETTER?!"
"Exactly!" He says point his finger at me, "That just proves he's good with poisons and he's an excellent tracker. Sounds like a win-win to me."
I fold my arms over my chest and step up to him. His smile broadens as he mirrors my stance, "You do not actually want him on this team."
"Actually, yeah, I do."
"He's gonna bleed out!"
"Mmmmmm, no, not really. That's quite the superficial stab wound you did. See how he still has full range of motion in that arm"
"Full range my ass. I plunged that bitch in deep!"
"I've seen people heal from a lot worse."
I throw my arms up, "He could be missing both legs and his entire fucking torso and you'd still want him on this team just too fucking spite me, huh?!"
He leans in closer so that our faces were merely inches apart, "Well you did say I had to find another way to get off, right?"
I narrow my eyes at him, "If you let him on this team, I will kill him."
He smirks, "Do you promise?"
I snap my mouth shut after a few moments of failing to come up with a scathing retort. He continues to smile down at me as I quietly grind my teeth together.
"Mch, You know what?"
"Mm-hmm?"
"This. This right here."
"Yeah?"
"This is why dream-you got his dick slice up the shaft before I gutted him like a fish."
His smile drops and his face pales ever so slightly before I turn on my heels and follow Ookimi back to the camp site.
"Wait….What!?"
I wanted to end on a bit of a lighter note because writing the dream sequence made me sad. Again sorry for the wait!