All The Morons In The World
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOBODY IS WILLING TO PAY THE RANSOM?" The Baroness shouted. The Dreadnoks and Zarana were in the conference room with her.
"I called his company three times," Zarana grumbled. "The first time the vice president hung up on me and said he didn't have time for any of Walden's games. He thought it was a joke. Apparently, Mr. Kelso has a habit of pranking some of his executives."
"In other words, he didn't believe this was for real," The Baroness realized.
"Apparently, he's pulled a stunt like this several times before," Zarana said. "Mostly to get out of board meetings."
"Smart," Torch nodded.
"Not smart!" Buzzer told him. "He's the boy who bloody cried wolf! Or in this case boy who cried kidnapping!"
"That is the one downside to his tactic," Torch conceded.
"I decided to give it some time," Zarana said. "After two days I called back. He still didn't believe me."
"We had this kid for three days and nobody even noticed he was missing?" Tiffany shouted.
"This is just like the Getty incident," Torch groaned.
"NO, IT'S NOT!" The Baroness shouted. "What happened the third time?"
"The third time I decided to wait until someone from the company called his phone," Zarana explained. "That took a few hours. When someone finally called it took me twenty minutes for me to convince them that this wasn't a hoax."
"Wait," Tiffany said. "What if someone ran a tracer?"
"I took precautions," Zarana waved. "The phone was in a secure location. I had the tech guys install anti-tracing software…All that. But I don't think that was ever going to be an issue."
"Why?" The Baroness asked.
"I called back to the vice president again and when I explained to him that either we get twenty million dollars ransom or that Kelso would end up dead…" Zarana sighed. "The bloke said. And I quote…Okay, fine. But if you kill him and dump the body do it before the 14th, that's when I'm going on vacation!"
"They're not going to pay for the kid?" Ripper was stunned.
"Would you pay for that kid?" Monkeywrench quipped.
"I hate to say it Monkeywrench," The Baroness groaned. "But I have to agree with that sentiment."
"What do we do now?" Torch asked.
"We can still salvage this," The Baroness told them. "I think it's time we had a talk with Mr. Kelso. If there's any brain cells left to reason with."
"What did you do to him?" Torch asked in a worried tone.
"Relax," The Baroness waved. "I didn't hit him that many times. I decided to go easy on the kid."
"And by going easy on him you mean…?" Ripper asked.
"I decided it was better to reprogram him to appreciate women," The Baroness explained.
"Did you use a mind control device?" Zarana asked.
"Does television count?" The Baroness asked. "Because if it does, yes."
"What did you make him watch?" Buzzer asked.
"I made him watch every episode of the Golden Girls," The Baroness told him.
"That doesn't sound so bad," Torch shrugged.
"After I made him watch every episode of Princess Pedrina Powerful," The Baroness added.
"Oh my God!" The male Dreadnoks said as one.
"Isn't that the show likened to the female equivalent of SpongeBob SquarePants?" Torch asked in a worried voice. "Which is so sugary sweet a ton of six-year-old girls got diabetes watching it?"
"Technically they got diabetes from eating the super sugary cereal that show promoted," Tiffany corrected. "But yeah…"
"And during breaks I also may have given him a few lessons on why women shouldn't be degraded," The Baroness shrugged.
"And by lessons you mean…?" Ripper asked.
"Shouting at him and using a taser on him," The Baroness shrugged. "On various locations on his body."
"You mean his balls?" Zarana asked.
"Sometimes I put it somewhere more painful," The Baroness shrugged.
"I don't even want to know…" Monkeywrench gulped.
"I think it would have been better for the kid if he did lose an ear," Torch shuddered.
"Yeah," Buzzer snorted. "Then he wouldn't have had to hear The Baroness!"
"Come on!" The Baroness told them. They followed her to another conference room. "He's in here."
"You just tied him up and left him in there for three days?" Zarana asked.
"He's not tied up," The Baroness said as she unlocked the door. "Seriously all I had to do was turn on the TV. He just sat there. Especially when the Golden Girls was on."
"Well it is a classic," Torch admitted.
"I also may have slightly drugged up his Red Vines," The Baroness admitted. "Make him a little more docile.
They entered the room to see Walden happily watching the television eating some type of candy. "Thank you for being a friend…" He giggled moronically.
"How much did you put in?" Zarana asked the Baroness.
"Actually, I got them from Cobra Commander's stash so…" The Baroness admitted.
"Cor blimey!" Torch gulped. "The kid will be lucky he has any brain cells at all!"
"And that's him saying that!" Ripper pointed at Torch.
"HEY!" Walden said as The Baroness turned off the television. "I was watching that!"
"Not anymore!" The Baroness said.
"But I wanna know if Miles will escape the Cheeseman!" Walden protested.
"Oh, I love that episode," Torch nodded. "That's a great show isn't it?"
"It really made me think," Walden said. "I am so a Blanche!"
"Really?" Torch asked. "I'm a Rose myself!"
"Quelle surprise," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "All right you. We need to talk."
"Aw man," Walden groaned. "You won't let me use my phone. You won't let me watch Golden Girls. Being a hostage sucks! Except for these Red Vines. These are great!"
"Listen!" The Baroness snapped. "We contacted your company. They refuse to pay the ransom."
"Let me guess," Walden said. "The guy who said they weren't going to pay. Was his name Darren Devonshire?"
"How did you know that?" Zarana asked.
"He's my vice president," Walden said. "He's like second in command of the whole company. If I'm not there, he's the one calling the shots!"
"WHAT?" The Baroness shouted.
"That douche has been trying to backstab me for years!" Walden shouted. "Ever since we were little kids he always had to try and make me look bad. In first grade he smashed my diorama on the pyramids because he forgot to add mummies to his."
"If you hate him then why did you make him an executive in your company?" Buzzer asked. "And not just any executive, vice freaking president?"
"Two reasons," Walden said. "One, he's super good at writing code. I couldn't have made half of my money without him."
"And the other?" Torch asked.
"His mom asked me," Walden said. "And she's super-hot!"
"How hot are we talking about?" Ripper raised an eyebrow.
"Way hot," Walden said.
"Like seventies sitcom housewives hot?" Torch asked. "Or Desperate Housewives hot?"
"She's a housewife who is definitely not desperate," Walden smirked.
"Oh, for the love of…" The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"We need to know exactly how hot this woman is!" Torch protested.
"There's a picture of her on my phone," Walden said.
"Nice try! NO!" The Baroness snapped.
"Well she has her own web page," Walden pointed to the computer. "Danielle Does Greendale Heights. She talks about stuff you can do in the town of Greendale Heights."
"On it!" Torch pulled out his own cell phone. "Cor blimey!"
"Is that her?" Buzzer asked as the men looked at Torch's cell phone.
"Oh yeah," Walden grinned.
"That's hot," Monkeywrench whistled.
"Okay you had to hire Devon the Douche," Torch conceded.
"You really didn't have a choice," Ripper agreed.
"Definitely a sound business decision," Buzzer added. "Gotta get this web page on my favorites."
"I'm going to have to recharge my taser," The Baroness said to Zarana.
"Will you morons focus here?" Zarana shouted. "Tiffany…"
Tiffany then whacked each guy including Walden on the head. "Focus!"
"Ow…" Walden whimpered.
"What about your parents?" Zarana asked. "I'm sure they would want you back. Why I have no idea…"
"Yeah, my parents and I haven't talked to each other in like a year," Walden admitted. "I think they're still mad at me because I kind of kicked them out of the house."
"You did what now?" The Baroness asked.
"When I first made like several million dollars," Walden explained. "I was still living at home with my folks because you know? I was just sixteen. And even though I had graduated high school early and made a ton of money my folks were hassling me like all the time."
"How exactly were they hassling you?" Buzzer asked.
"It was always you should go to college," Walden groaned. "When are you going to act responsible? Clean your room! Don't hire your friends to clean your room! No, you can't have Aerosmith for your birthday party even if you are paying for it!"
"That last one I am totally with you on that," Monkeywrench admitted.
"Well my Dad kept saying, as long as you live under our roof you'll live by our rules," Walden said. "So long story short…I bought their mortgage out from under them. Got the house in my name and evicted them."
"You kicked your parents out of their own house?" The Baroness was stunned.
"I wish I could have done that with my parents," Zarana admitted.
"I think I did do that with my parents!" Torch said. "Or did I just burn down the house? Oh well…same thing."
"Something tells me calling Mummy and Daddy isn't the way to go," Monkeywrench frowned.
"No? You think?" The Baroness snarled. "Well what about your personal bank account? Surely you have money there!"
"Most of my money goes into the company," Walden said. "I only take about five hundred bucks for myself for the month."
"Five hundred bloody dollars?" Ripper shouted.
"How is that possible?" Torch asked. "Even I can't live on that a month and I'm bloody broke!"
"That's why he steals pretty much everything," Monkeywrench pointed out.
"That's why we all steal pretty much everything," Buzzer said. "Well that and the rush…"
"Honestly except for video games and burgers I don't really spend that much," Walden admitted. "And even then, I get a lot of stuff for free. Having a personal bank account seemed kind of pointless."
"What?" The Baroness blinked.
"I'm serious," Walden said. "When you're a billionaire, people just give you stuff! Without asking! I go to a party, I get a bag full of stuff that includes clothes, sneakers, coupons for restaurants and doing things like riding go carts. I go to a business meeting, people give me stuff to either try out or to remember their company. When I go to a fundraiser I get a ton of free stuff. When I shop online I get a ton of free swag. Even when I go to my local Mickey D's…Swear to God. I buy one burger, bam! All the free fries I want. And that includes refills."
"Seriously?" Torch's jaw dropped.
"I once went to this fundraiser and donated like five grand," Walden said. "And I walked away with some golf clubs, a free trip to an aquarium, three pairs of Air Jordan's and a car! And I still don't know what the cause was I donated to!"
"Let me get this straight…" Torch blinked. "When you're a bleedin' billionaire, people give you stuff for free? Even though you can pay for it?"
"While us broke blokes have to pay for everything!" Monkeywrench groaned. "Unless of course we steal it. But that's just a given."
"Now what do we do?" Zarana asked.
"Give me a minute," The Baroness grumbled. "I'll think of something."
"Why don't we leak the kidnapping to the newspaper?" Ripper suggested. "If people know about it then the company will have to pay for him!"
"You twit," Torch looked at him. "That's what happened in the Getty case and the old bloke went on air refusing to pay a cent! Even I know that's a stupid move!"
"We are seriously going to have to rethink this plan," The Baroness groaned. "Zarana, Tiffany come with me. The rest of you idiots watch him!"
"Can we watch the Golden Girls too?" Torch asked.
"Why the hell not?" The Baroness threw up her hands as she walked out.
"All right!" Torch cheered.
"What could be better than watching the Golden Girls?" Buzzer asked.
"Uh watching the Golden Girls drinking grape soda and eating donuts! Duh!" Ripper said.
"Too bad we're all out of grape soda and donuts," Torch grumbled.
"I love grape soda and donuts," Walden said. "Aww…"
"One of us should go on a grape soda and donut run," Monkeywrench said. "I'll go!"
"I wanna go to," Torch said.
"Yeah we can all go…" Ripper said.
"We can't all go Numb Nuts!" Buzzer said. "We gotta watch him!" He pointed at Walden.
"Oh right," Ripper groaned. "Well I don't wanna stay behind. Torch can stay."
"I don't wanna stay behind," Torch pouted. "Besides you need my points card to get the extra free donuts!"
"I don't want to stay behind," Monkeywrench said. "I'm getting bloody stir crazy cooped up here."
"So am I!" Buzzer said.
"Me too," Ripper said. "Let Torch stay!"
"No!" Torch said. "Besides you guys know I am terrible at watching people. They always get away."
"That's true," Buzzer admitted.
"He does need supervision," Monkeywrench sighed.
"I could come with you guys," Walden said.
The Dreadnoks looked at each other. "Well the Baroness did say to keep an eye on you," Monkeywrench said. "Just didn't say where."
"As long as you don't escape, we're good," Torch nodded.
"Okay!" Walden said cheerfully.