Hello, everyone! Here is the eighteenth chapter of Healing Demons. Please review and enjoy! :)
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. All rights belong to Masashi Kishimoto only.
SUMMARY: Sakura was a diligent medical student with dreams and aspirations of greatness. Sasuke's dreams had been crushed by a dark past, leaving him broke and depressed. What happened when these two crossed paths and their lives got interwoven together? Modern world AU
The moment Sakura walked through the doors of the hospital the next morning, she knew something was amiss. It was something she couldn't quite put her finger on or describe in detail, but there was a sinking feeling in her gut that just wouldn't go away. She chose to ignore it as she made her way to clock in for the day.
It wasn't the absence of Sasuke; in fact, she still had happy little butterflies fluttering in her stomach from the chaste kiss he gave her as she bid her farewell. It was something that hung in the air, something that punched her in the gut so hard she could hardly breathe.
Her steps became faster, more frantic as she headed towards what couldn't be seen.
As she arrived at the office she shared with many other first years, she found Tsunade sitting there, head down and held up with her two hands. Her face was buried into her flat palms as she battled with something unbeknownst to Sakura.
Uneasiness filled up her insides, and she knew that this had something to do with the anxiety that trailed her since the moment she arrived at the hospital.
It wasn't hard to figure out what was wrong; she worked in a hospital, where bad things came in waves and she held onto the good for all that it was worth. Sakura knew that something was wrong, but she didn't want to believe it had anything to do with her, or anyone she cared for.
As Sakura walked up to her mentor, biting her lips until the skin broke under the pressure, she tried her best to harden herself to what she was about to hear. Nothing good, that was for sure, if Tsunade's body language was anything to go by. Maybe she was just having a stressful day, taking a moment to herself as a breather? Maybe Sakura was once again letting her anxiety get the best of her, causing her to jump to the worst conclusions.
Tsunade, hearing Sakura's approach, lifted her head from her hands and looked over at the girl with sympathetic eyes and a bleeding heart that was unusual for doctors with her years of experience under her belt. It was a testament to the amount of empathy she held even after years and years of trying to fight for other people's lives, and coming face to face with the inevitable.
She opened her mouth and with a raspy voice, said, "I'm sorry. She was gone before we knew it."
Sakura's heart stopped, and despite steeling herself for the worst, she felt like she had been hit by a truck. Without warning, tears started slipping from her eyes in a silent, pleading way as her breath became more and more labored. She remembered being told not to be overly emotional, but in her inexperience with loss and grief, it couldn't be helped.
Sakura hiccuped, and managed to squeak out, "When?"
"Just an hour ago. There was nothing that we could do. Her heart finally gave out"
A moment, then another, and then another passed as Sakura digested Tsunade's words. An hour ago, Sakura had been blissfully laying in Sasuke's arms, unaware that her old friend was saying goodbye to the world. An hour ago, Sakura felt so peaceful, so happy, so unaware that she was losing someone so close to her.
An hour ago, everything was alright for Sakura. And now, it was not.
Sobs tried to claw their way out of Sakura's chest, debilitating her and freezing her in place. She squeezed her eyes shut as tightly as she could to quell the sadness, but it was overwhelming. She needed to find a more private place to be, out of sight and earshot of everyone else going about their day. She needed to run to Ms. Chie, see her smile light up the room with the assurance that everything was going to be okay.
She needed to see her friend, if only for one last time.
"Take your time to feel your sadness, Sakura, but be prepared to move forward," Tsunade said as she rested a delicate hand on her shoulder, squeezing it with all the warmth she could muster. The pain in Sakura's chest was unrelenting, like she was being stabbed over and over and over again. Feel the sadness? She'd give anything not to be feeling this pain, even if it meant feigning ignorance, acting like she never heard the news. It wasn't true, wasn't real. That is what she wished she could tell herself.
Tsunade continued, "I need you to help with other patients today. They have already taken her down to the morgue, so it's up to you whether or not you want to go visit to say your goodbyes. I'm...sorry, Sakura. For your loss."
Loss. That's what she felt, like a massive black hole in her chest. Her breaths became more and more labored, like the oxygen was thinning around her with each heartbeat. She felt so much love, so much care for Ms. Chie, and she always tried her best to make it known to her friend. She held so much light inside her and was always willing to share it, but that light felt dimmer with each passing day.
Should she visit her friend? Would that make her feel better, quell her guilt in not being there in her final moments? Would it be selfish of her to take the cowardly route and move on with her day, avoiding the final goodbye forever? She had never dealt with this true sorrow, and she knew it would grow deeper within her like a festering wound. She never felt loss like this before, and Sakura was not prepared to look it right in its evil eyes.
Sakura hiccuped, and swallowed the cry that begged to be let out. Shrugging off her mentor's gentle hand, she decided that Ms. Chie deserved someone to be there to say goodbye to her, someone she truly cared for. It wouldn't be fair if she let herself be so consumed by her pain that she neglected to be there, even if it was a moment too late. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she did that to her.
"If you don't mind, I'm going to go down there to see her," Sakura whispered through the silent tears that slipped down her cheek. She hugged herself tightly and looked up to Tsunade and added, "It won't be long. I just have a few things I need to say to her before I can be at my best for the others."
"Very well," Tsunade replied as she took a step to the side to give Sakura room to move around her and through the open door. She nodded her head towards the door and added, "Take the time you need, but don't dilly-dally. We need you up here. Tell them I sent you, and they will let you see her."
Sakura nodded, nearly losing her balance as she became lightheaded, her mind going out of focus and clouding up with stormy weather. Where there was light before, the shadows were showing their faces. The true happiness she felt within her connection with Ms. Chie now felt overshadowed by the sorrow that had taken its place.
She didn't want to fight the pain, nor let herself become consumed by it. She just didn't want to feel at all.
Without saying anything further, knowing that the damage was done and her fears had come to fruition, she headed towards the door so she could face those fears. She felt pulled through the threshold of the door by a single string, bringing her towards where her friend resided, ready to be laid to rest at long last.
Sakura always considered herself strong, and brave. Able to face the demons that the world housed with a strong sword and a warrior mentality. But as she sat there next to Ms. Chie, holding her cold hand and avoiding looking at her by hanging her head so her bangs covered her eyes, she felt anything but strong.
She felt frail, brittle. Like a single breeze would topple her over and rock her foundation. A bright life had been taken from this world, and the true sorrow she felt was foreign to her. She had never felt like the one person she wanted to talk to was the one she could never speak with ever again. It was heart-wrenching to have so many words, but no one to hear them.
She supposed she could talk to her family, her best friend, or even the boy she was sort-of seeing at the time. But Sakura felt like the words that she needed to say were only meant for Ms. Chie, and though they would give her a shoulder to cry on, it wouldn't be the same as talking directly to the person you miss.
They wouldn't understand to the extent that Sakura needed them to.
Taking in a breath and allowing the tears that formed to spill down her reddening cheeks, Sakura raised her head and looked up to the fluorescent lights. She was grateful that the doctor who brought her down to the morgue gave her the privacy to bid her farewell alone. It was a small gesture that meant the world to her as she processed the pain she was experiencing; it was so new to her, and she didn't know how to process it herself.
They taught about the stages of grief in textbooks, but it was so much different, so much more debilitating to actually go through it. She was surely in the early stages of it, and she definitely felt the need to deny the fact that it was true. It would make it all so much easier to handle. But she was so unused to feeling this much pain in her chest and had no idea how to ease it.
Sakura took in a shuddering breath that shook her entire body, and tried to reclaim the oxygen that kept escaping her. She brought her teary eyes up, tucking her bangs behind her right ear, to look up to her friend. Ms. Chie looked so peaceful and serene, like the troubles of the world no longer weighed her down; it was like she had finally been able to bid her farewell to the worries and struggles that came along with living a life, and had been reunited with her lost love at long last. It was the only thing that brought Sakura any solace.
She smiled bitterly through the tears spilling down her cheeks, and let out a nervous chuckle. "Looks like I'm being selfish, huh? Wanting you here with me when you have so much happiness on the other side."
It felt true, though it didn't lessen anything that she was feeling. If anything, it made her feel so guilty. She spent so much time with Ms. Chie, leaning on her when she needed a friend and opening up to her when she felt like no one would listen. When she felt like she was overreacting, and didn't want to burden Ino or her parents with her frantic thoughts, Ms. Chie was the one who was there to reassure her that she was perfectly fine. That she could carry on and keep moving forward.
She taught her the courage to face her fears of not passing medical school, despite Sakura's confidence in her own abilities. When the devil on her shoulder would tell her that she wasn't good enough, Ms. Chie would be the angel to encourage her to keep going at it. She taught her that small mistakes were minor setbacks, not the end of everything. She reminded Sakura that she was good enough, even when she felt anything but.
Sakura squeezed Ms. Chie's hand one last time before gently placing it over her heart that was no longer beating. It was surreal that someone so full of life was no longer there, could never share their shine with the world anymore. That someone who was always there for others went off on a journey, venturing on their own. It was scary to think that Sakura could not join her, or bring her back.
It was something that brought her so much guilt, not being there with Ms. Chie in her final moments, though she could almost hear her friend saying that she was taking far too much blame. How could she be everywhere at once? How could she take care of herself when she was spending too much time worrying about others?
Sakura cracked another painful, yet endearing smile as she stood up from the creaky chair beside the table her friend laid on to look at her one last time. She remembered how much Ms. Chie wanted her to chase her dreams, no matter what obstacle came in her way. If something, or someone, threatened to drag Sakura down, all she desired for her was to keep fighting her way towards the aspirations she had set for herself.
Maybe she hadn't yet learned how to do that yet, fight for herself. Yes, Sakura stood up for herself when needed, but she poured so much of herself into other people that it was draining at times. Ms. Chie had perfected that art; she could be a sweet soul to lean into, yet she never let that light dull out. She must have been through so much, to learn how to be there for others while also being there for herself.
It must have been tough for her, too, especially after she lost her husband.
Sakura knew she admired Ms. Chie to the ends of the earth, but she felt like there was so much more she just didn't know about her. And now she would never be able to find out, never be able to ask those burning questions when she needed guidance. She unfortunately never felt like she could talk to her parents about her apprehensions; they saw the world through rose-colored lenses, and could never seem to find the right words to say to help Sakura get on the right track.
She knew they meant well, but Ms. Chie just understood her. Like she had been in her very same shoes as she was growing up. Though it hurt to know that Ms. Chie had been through so much in her life, it inspired Sakura to know that suffering never weighed her down or turned her into a bitter person. Her experiences forged her into such a force to be reckoned with, and the world was just a bit dimmer without her in it.
Sakura didn't know how to get through this, through the day or through the pain that resided deep within her. But she knew that Ms. Chie would just be so crestfallen to know that something like this had knocked her down after everything she had done to get to where she was. She could imagine her crossing her arms, and tsking in her direction. Just sending a knowing look in her direction that could cut like knives, telling her all she would need to know in just a glance.
That she needed to be strong and lead herself forward. That her fears, her guilt, her shame, they may consume her. But they wouldn't debilitate her, because she wouldn't let them. She wouldn't let them make their home inside her to eat away at her like termites. Sakura knew that Ms. Chie would disapprove of her collapsing on the ground and just staying in place, no matter how much her knees desired to give out beneath her.
She knew that she had to put on a brave face, even when her insides were screaming in fear.
Taking in one more long breath to clear the tears that clouded her eyes, Sakura tried to blink them away, but they still slipped down her rosy cheeks. And she sent one more pained smile as she placed a gentle hand over her friend's, resting over her heart, and said, "Goodbye, my friend. May we meet again in another, more forgiving life. Say hello to Noriaki for me."
When Sasuke finally woke up early that afternoon, his bed was cold. From the haze of sleep, he couldn't remember why that made his chest squeeze. He was so used to waking up alone; it shouldn't have left him feeling empty inside. But as he blinked that sleepiness away, he remembered Sakura.
Sakura. She spent the night with him in the most innocent way possible. She didn't expect anything from him, other than to be right there with her. It was the most safe and secure he had felt in years, and the emptiness deepened as he realized she was no longer there.
Right. Work. Of course, that is what normally functioning human beings do with their lives. Work to make ends meet. Fit in with society and make it on their own. Sasuke wondered what it would be like if he didn't crash and burn his entire life. Would he be successful? Would he still be resentful? He didn't know, and didn't care to dwell on the what ifs of his already derailed life.
Against his better judgment to stay in bed and drown in his thoughts, Sasuke groggily dragged himself out of bed, quickly throwing on the first pieces of clothing he could find hanging on the back of one of his worn chairs.
He sure hoped that they were clean. Sniffing the clothing just to be sure, Sasuke determined that it would have to suffice. He'd be wearing a damned apron anyway.
Ugh, he really did not want to work. He did not want to interact with people, have to go outside into the sunlight. But what else was there to do but lay in bed and bask in the loneliness he felt so deeply to his core? Though every muscle in his body screamed for him to give up and hop back into bed, Sasuke took a deep breath and headed to the front door.
Not today, demons, Not today.
Sasuke forcefully yanked open the front door and catapulted himself through the threshold before he could talk himself out of going to work. He wasn't thrilled to be met with the warmth of the sun rising in the sky, flinching and squinting his eyes to block out the light from his eyes. But he would need to deal with it.
Last night, after falling asleep with Sakura in his arms, after feeling a kernel of peace for the first time in what felt like an eternity, Sasuke used every bit of his power to push forward. He wanted to feel that serenity again, and it would continue to elude him if he kept running away.
Baby steps. First he got out of bed. Next, he'd go to work. Then, who knows what after that. But he'd handle that when he got there. For now, he'd do what little he could and hopefully things would start to fall into place.
Work wasn't all that bad, Sasuke thought. The tedious monotony of repetitive tasks and pretending to care about customers was an escape from the darkness he'd always let consume him. He didn't talk much, not even to Naruto, but he kept his head down and did what he needed to do.
That was baby step number three.
He once again found himself on the top of the stairs outside of his apartment, sipping his third beer and gazing out into the sky's waning sunlight. A beer for the nerves that taunted him throughout the day, another to quell the raging thoughts he didn't dare invite lest they ruin his moderately okay mood, and a third to coast into that familiar oblivion he called home. The only thing missing was Sakura.
Sasuke wondered why he hadn't been greeted by the chime of his phone all day. Normally, he'd get at least a text message from Naruto, hyping him up for the day, or an occasional message from Sakura checking in on him. Other times, he'd get a message from tachi, normally catching him up on family business he passionately didn't care about.
But…there was nothing. Radio silence.
In the past, he'd be pleased by the lack of disturbance. But he couldn't deny the pang of sadness in his heart - he found he wanted to spend more time interacting with those he cared about. Mostly Sakura, of course. Whether they talked all night or not at all, he missed her presence next to him and in his arms. Relenting to his urge to reach out to her, Sasuke dug ito his back pocket and pulled out his phone, finding her name and calling her.
Anxiety fluttered in his stomach, blanketed by the warmth of the alcohol he'd ingested as the phone rang.
And rang. And rang.
No answer.
Sasuke decided to try again. Surely after everything, she wouldn't purposely ignore his call. Maybe she was busy, maybe she was resting. All of the worst case scenarios piled up in his mind, but for once he held them down inside.
He tried calling two, three more times with no answer. Swallowing the rest of his beer and reaching for a new one, Sasuke tried his best not to let his overactive imagination take hold of him and remain rational.
Everything was alright. After all he had gone through to get to a mediocre state of mind, nothing was wrong. He was just being sensitive.
Right?
Another chug of his beer, Sasuke continued to convince himself that he was just overreacting, that the bad feeling sitting like a stone in the pit of his stomach was pure indigestion from the beers he had been drinking like water.
If Sakura wasn't answering, maybe he'd try something else to be productive with his time?
He realized that today wasn't a dumpster fire; he finally saw that leaving his apartment and doing something with his life, albeit small, was not the world-ending disaster that he had made it out to be. Sasuke let himself think about his brother's offer - did it still stand? Was it even a good idea to work with his brother despite Sasuke's desire to continue distancing himself from the rest of the family? He didn't know, but what he did know is that he didn't want to grind coffee beans and sell coffee to privileged people for the rest of his life.
If he worked as some glorified intern, he'd interact with maybe half of the people he did now, which was extremely appealing. And if he really thought about it, filing paperwork and running small errances here and there would actually have people avoiding him for the most part. Maybe he'd handle an annoyance here and there, but nothing really eventful occurred at Itachi's office. He'd be able to show up, keep to himself, and go home with some change in his pocket.
It wasn't too sour of a deal, and it would get him out of his apartment and doing more with his life if he was being honest.
Maybe it was the alcohol that clouded his judgment, but Sasuke settled on accepting his brother's offer. It was just another baby step, right? And he told himself that if he was forced into an interaction with another member of his family, he would turn on his heel and show them his back. He was only in it for the money, or so he convinced himself.
So, Sasuke reopened his phone and shot his brother a text, essentially spelling out his terms for accepting his offer. No late hours, no familial drama, no blindsiding him with anything other than what he told him he would need to do. He'd go in, take care of what loose ends Itachi needed him to take care of with limited interaction, and go home. No frilly little excuses as to why he needed to stay late, and no bargaining for him to bite off more than he could chew.
He'd likely get a response right away, but Sasuke didn't want to deal with the outcome of his choice until the morning. So, as soon as he sent the text, Sasuke shut off his phone and stuffed it back in his pocket. It wasn't like Sakura seemed to be responding to him anyway. As long as his phone was shut off, no one would bother him until the next day, and he wouldn't feel the compelling need to keep checking it over and over again.
One less thing to worry about until the morning came.
Buzzing emanated throughout the room, the only noise in an otherwise silent darkness. The sun was just setting, but the orange and yellow rays were blocked out from the heavy drapes covering the window.
All Sakura wanted to do was sleep. After her long shift at the hospital, after her tearful goodbye to her dear old friend, her bed was a welcome respite from the pain of the day. She melted into the mattress and soaked in her comforter as if it would absorb her whole.
It wasn't like her to ignore calls, whether they were from friends, family, and whatever Sasuke was to her. She'd always answer in a heartbeat or two, and it was probably concerning to the person on the other end of the phone that she let it ring and go to voicemail. But right now, her energy was depleted as she felt drained of any desire to remain awake.
Sakura knew what depression felt like; though she had not experienced much grief in her life, the numb pain of depression was not a foreign feeling to her, especially with all of the stress and perfectionism she had imposed on herself throughout the years. But this sadness hit her like an oncoming truck,
Maybe that's why she could relate to sasuke so well. She could empathize with him to a certain extent.
Speaking of Sasuke, she thought about calling him the moment she got home and beelined it for the safety of her room. But no matter how much he meant to her, or how much he could understand her sadness, Sakura couldn't bring herself to call. Maybe it was because she didn't want to burden him with her own troublesome thoughts.
She felt like a hypocrite, allowing herself to wallow in her pain. Sakura had worked so hard to try and help Sasuke out of his hold of darkness, yet she couldn't heed her own advice. She couldn't fight the leaden weight inside her chest.
Maybe this was what she needed, Sakura reasoned. A good cry was cathartic in so many ways; she felt the tears behind her eyes and the lump in her throat restricting her breathing, but they wouldn't break free. They were stuck, like she was in her own skin.
Sakura buried herself deeper into her covers, bringing them over her head for extra security. The ringing of her phone ceased and she was greeted with silence once more. She felt helpless - though she was reassured time and time again that the universe had plans that are far out of her reach, the feeling of not being in control, of not being able to save those she cared about was like a bucket of cold water being thrown over her head. She felt impactful. She felt useless.
She felt like the past couple years of her life didn't matter at all.
What would she normally do when she was down? Call her parents? Call Ino? Confide her worries into a listening ear and let herself feel overwhelmed for the moment, and move on? Why couldn't she bring herself to do that? Why did this sadness feel much deeper, like a slippery slope she won't be able to climb again once she's fallen?
Her grief was debilitating, and she felt herself falling into patterns she usually veered away from. Sakura could only hope this was a fleeting weakness, and not an ominous sign of worse to come.
The ringing started back up again and again and again. Each time she ignored it, knowing it didn't matter. She didn't matter if she couldn't be of service. She was a burden, and she would be better off not bothering anyone.
Where was her happiness? Where was her optimism? Why had her light been replaced by this shadow, negative thoughts invading her mind like parasites?
It was so unlike her, yet it felt so raw and real. Like a version of herself that was always there, but never surfaced.
It definitely unnerved Sakura, a d the coward in her screamed at her to retreat, escape from the darkness that threatened to swallow her whole. Run away from the emotions that cut through her like a hot knife through butter.
And how would she escape? The better part of her knew that in times of grief, it would be best to surround herself with love and support. It was always what she loved to offer others in their turmoil; giving everything she had to offer to someone else came naturally to her. But missing Ms. Chie was different - Sakura felt like a failure, like she let her down. Maybe if she had paid more attention, if she had thought more about someone else other than herself, she might have been able to save her friend.
The guilt weighed Sakura down like stones tied to her feet, dragging her further underwater with every breath she took.
So, she decided to run away with sleep - she wouldn't have to be awake to deal with the shadows that loomed over her shoulder, whispering in her ear that she was a screw-up, that nobody needed her around. That she was the reason that her friend was gone forever.
Sakura sighed, letting out the breath she hadn't even realized she had been holding. She deserved some rest, didn't she? It was best to close her eyes and let the world fade away for the time being.
It wouldn't miss her, right?
Hi everyone! That was chapter eighteen! I'd like to first start off by saying that if you still follow this story, I appreciate you to my core. Life had come up, and a mixture of dealing with life's challenges, writer's block, and feeling really down on myself had really delayed my ability to continue with this story. But during that time, I had never stopped thinking about it, how it would continue and how I would craft Sasuke and Sakura's stories. So many ideas, yet little time and motivation to sit down and do them justice. But I am back, and it is my hope that it is for good. I truly feel so much connection with this story, and I truly hope you do as well. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and look forward to future chapters as much as I do.
As always, please review and follow! I love and appreciate each and every one of you!