Shock And Baaaaa
"I can't believe we have a billion-dollar brat and no one will pay squat for him!" The Baroness stormed into her office. Zarana and Tiffany followed her.
"I'm afraid we have bigger problems Baroness," Toby Lord of Dark Matter was waiting for her.
"Of course, we do!" The Baroness threw up her hands. "What now?"
"Oh, where to begin?" Toby Lord of Dark Matter sighed.
"This does not bode well," The Baroness groaned. "Spit it out."
"First of all…" Toby Lord of Dark Matter looked at a clipboard. "We are out of grape soda. In fact, any type of soda. The Dreadnoks drank it all."
"In other words," The Baroness groaned. "We are to expect some kind of temper tantrum with those overgrown toddlers. What else?"
"Second problem," Toby Lord of Dark Matter coughed. "We were developing a computer virus to hold law enforcement computers hostage until a ransom was paid. Unfortunately, the virus somehow infected our computers…But we're working on it. We're working on it."
"Third our security system is temporarily down…Partially due to the second problem. With the malware infecting our computers. But our tech guys tell me they should have the problem fixed anywhere from five hours…"
"That's good," The Baroness sighed.
"To five days," Toby Lord of Dark Matter finished.
"That is not," The Baroness groaned. "What else?"
"Two of our elevators are broken in the East Wing," Toby Lord of Dark Matter explained. "We will get them fixed as soon as we rescue the elevator repair crew trapped in one of them."
"I'm having second thoughts about this coup," Zarana groaned.
"Me too," Tiffany agreed.
"We had a couple printers catch on fire," Toby Lord of Dark Matter added. "Apparently the company we bought them from was selling faulty computers. We just found out about the recall literally minutes ago. After the fires…So we won't be able to copy or print anything for a few days. But we are working on replacing them."
"That's not all that bloody needs to be replaced around here," Zarana groaned.
"And by a couple of printers you mean…?" The Baroness asked.
"Five," Toby Lord of Dark Matter shrugged. "Oh, and we had a few people quit to go working for Disney. You know? Better pay. More likely to take over the world. We're trying to replace them as fast as possible. Mostly management and a few engineers."
"And by a few…?" The Baroness sighed. "How many?"
"Twelve," Toby Lord of Dark Matter told her.
"Anything else?" The Baroness groaned.
"Just a few more minor problems," Toby Lord of Dark Matter checked his clipboard. "Research and Development had an experimental drone which they lost. Apparently, the GPS is faulty so…"
"You lost the experimental drone?" The Baroness asked.
"Actually no," Toby Lord of Dark Matter corrected. "Turns out it had a homing program that was still working. We just lost our Research and Development team. See they went out to find it and the last heading was over the ocean…They were following their GPS coordinates and there was this cliff…"
"I think I can figure out where this is going," The Baroness groaned. "To my private bar. Anything else?"
"I'm afraid Baroness our stocks have taken a significant hit," Toby Lord of Dark Matter sighed. "A lot of stores we invested in aren't doing so well. And by not doing well I mean completely going off a cliff. Just like our Research and Development team."
"You have got to be kidding me?" The Baroness shouted. "What stores are going bankrupt now?"
"Well Mears is still hanging on by a thread," Toby Lord of Dark Matter told her. "Honestly the only way they made any money this holiday season was to sell off some of their real estate. And took advantage of some new tax laws."
"I'm amazed they hung around this long," Zarana shrugged.
"I know right?" Toby Lord of Dark Matter nodded. "Then there's a lot of Bon-Bon stores closing. As well as Feet Storage. Music CD Stores are dwindling because…You know? Streaming. Same for DVD sales. Finest Purchase is shutting down all of their phone outlet stores in the malls…"
"Emptying out more space in them," Zarana groaned. "It does seem like there was one of those in every mall wasn't it?"
"One of five or six different phone stores," The Baroness agreed. "Seriously, how many phone plans do people need?"
"And of course, Giraffe Toys are completely closing down," Toby Lord of Dark Matter added. "Which will cut the toy industry by ten to fifteen percent in the long run. We had to close our toy development department. Fortunately, we didn't have to fire anyone. We just sent those people into upper management so…"
"Not a bad fit if you think about it," The Baroness remarked.
"The Candy Hearts Company is also in severe financial trouble," Toby Lord of Dark Matter added. "There is a good chance they might either go under. Or at the very least cut back a lot of their workforce."
"Candy Hearts is in trouble?" The Baroness was stunned. "How is that possible?"
"I guess people don't want candy that tastes like chalk anymore," Zarana quipped.
"It doesn't taste like chalk!" Tiffany shouted.
"Yes, it does!" Zarana said.
"No, it doesn't!" Tiffany protested.
"Yes, it does!" Zarana snapped.
"STOP!" The Baroness shouted. "I don't want to hear this argument! Ever!"
"And of course, our stock in the gun industry was tanking so we had to get rid of that," Toby Lord of Dark Matter groaned. "As well as cut back on our own weapons making designs."
"Guns are in trouble?" The Baroness shouted. "How did that happen?"
Toby Lord of Dark Matter looked at her. "You haven't been watching the news lately, have you?"
"We all know the retail industry is barely staying afloat," Zarana groaned. "The only successful stores are the dollar stores. For obvious reasons."
"Auto industry took some hits too," Toby Lord of Dark Matter nodded. "Quite a few recalls. Boy people sure do get mad when their seat heaters set them on fire."
"I would imagine," Zarana said dryly.
"The bottom line is…?" The Baroness sighed. "Our company is in trouble."
"Mears is in trouble," Zarana looked at her. "We're up a bloody creek without a freaking paddle!"
"Unless we have a major influx of cash very soon and very quickly," Toby Lord of Dark Matter sighed. "Yes."
"That's where the billion-dollar brat comes in," The Baroness groaned.
"What?" Toby Lord of Dark Matter asked.
"We kidnapped Walden Kelso but nobody wants him back!" Zarana explained.
"Originally, we were going to force him to sign over power of attorney," Tiffany explained. "And then use the animal ray to turn him into an animal and convince a judge he was insane. Giving us control of all his money and company."
"But that ship sailed thanks to the SS Dumb Knocks!" The Baroness groaned.
"Is that why Conference Room C was locked these past few days?" Toby Lord of Dark Matter asked.
"That's where we're holding him," Zarana said.
"Interesting," Toby Lord of Dark Matter thought.
"What?" The Baroness asked.
"Oh, I was just thinking…" Toby Lord of Dark Matter paused. "It might be worth our time to investigate Mr. Kelso's company. Perhaps there is a legal way we can acquire it?"
"Go for it," The Baroness said sarcastically. "I doubt it. But seriously, knock yourself out."
"Don't knock him," Tiffany said. "At least he's trying to come up with ideas! Considering he's one of the few people around here with a brain cell…"
"I know," The Baroness sighed. "There's a drought in this organization that's been going on since the 80's. Just do what you can Lord of Dark Matter. I'm just not getting my hopes up."
"Oh, one more thing," Toby Lord of Dark Matter added. "They found black mold in the break room. So…The refrigerator has to be replaced. Along with the carpet. And some of the cabinets and walls…"
"Maybe we should fire the Dreadnoks and hire the mold?" Zarana quipped.
"This day cannot possibly get any worse!" The Baroness stormed to her office.
Meanwhile…
"WHOOOOOOOO!" Torch whooped as he drove his motorcycle with the other Dreadnoks up to a convenience store.
"Yeah!" Walden was in a side car. "That's what I'm talking about!"
"Torch did you remember to bring your points card?" Buzzer asked as they got off their motorcycles.
"Oh yeah," Torch unlatched something from his motorcycle. He pulled out a small rocket launcher. "Got it!"
"Dude! Is that a rocket launcher?" Walden gasped.
"Don't worry," Torch waved. "This rocket only shoots paint. Here hold it!" He handed the weapon to Walden.
"I never held a gun before much less this!" Walden was nervous. "Well not a real one obviously. Video games yeah but…"
"It's the same thing," Ripper said. "Only difference is the recoil and that baby does a lot more damage."
"But it won't do that much damage," Torch waved. "Like I said, it only shoots paint. What's the worse than can happen?"
Ten minutes later…
The Dreadnoks and Walden were standing off to the side with several stolen items of the soda, beer and chips variety. The convenience store was burning to a crisp in front of them. "Okay…" Torch said. "This is not your fault Walden. Even though I told you to shoot the rocket launcher. I didn't realize I put a real rocket in it. This one is on me. My bad."
"Coooooool…" Walden's eyes widened with delight.
Back at Cobra's headquarters…
"Ugh…" Xamot groaned as he slipped out of the vent. "I still have feathers in my mouth…"
"Just be grateful we were able to get out of our cell," Tomax told him. They were in a lab of some sort. Tomax was looking through a filing cabinet.
"Are you sure it's here?" Xamot asked.
"Yes, I'm sure!" Tomax said. "I remember Mindbender remarking he had plans for the ray down in the Research and Development lab somewhere."
"Where is everyone?" Xamot looked around.
"Knowing this company," Tomax sighed. "Probably on a drink run. Now help me look."
"I still say we should cut our losses with Cobra," Xamot told him. "Run to our other secret company in Seattle, change our identities and start all over."
"After everything these morons did to us?" Tomax snapped. "NO! I will not let these fools get away with the indignity we have suffered under their yoke!"
"I also have my pride brother," Xamot reminded him. "But look where that has gotten us!"
"Don't start this again," Tomax groaned. "Just help me find the plans before someone finds us."
"Baaaaaaa…."
"Too late," Xamot sighed as they turned around. Seeing Zartan and Zandar on all fours.
"Are they…?" Tomax blinked. "Sheep?"
"The ray…" The Twins realized as one.
"Well it is appropriate," Xamot snickered. "I'll give The Baroness that!"
"BAAAA!"
"BAAAAAA!"
"AAAH!" The Twins screamed as the other brothers attacked. "GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!"
"BAAAH!"
"BAAAAAHHHH!"
"AAAAAHHHH!" The Twins tried to fight for their lives.
"BAHHHH!"
"BAHHHH!"
"Why is it…?" Xamot screamed.
"These two…" Tomax shouted.
"Fight better as sheep…" Xamot gasped.
"THAN AS HUMAN BEINGS?" Tomax finished.
"BAAAH!"
"BAAAH!"
"OWWWW!" The Twins screamed as they managed to escape. But the sheep brothers chased them around the lab anyway.
Xamot grabbed a taser he saw on a nearby bench. "BACK! BACK YOU BEASTS!"
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAPPP!
Xamot managed to taser Zandar right in the chest.
"BAAAA-WHAAAAAA….?" Zandar blinked. "Owww! Why the hell did you taser me you lunatic?"
"You're back?" Xamot asked.
"BAAAAHHH!" Zartan stopped for a moment.
"Back from where?" Zandar shouted as he stood up. "Zartan why are you on all fours?"
"BAAAAHH!" Zartan bayed.
"That's it?" Tomax blinked at the taser. "That's all it takes?"
"I believe so," Xamot blinked.
"What the hell is going on here?" Zandar asked.
"Allow me," Tomax took the taser and zapped Zartan.
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-YEEEEEEEEEEEOOOWW!" Zartan shouted. "YOU TWIN TWITS!"
"It does work," Tomax said.
"Better zap them one more time for good measure," Xamot said.
"Wait what?" Zandar asked. Then Tomax tasered him. "YEOWWWWW!" He fell to the ground.
"What the bloody hell did you do…YEOOWWWW!" Zartan yelled as Tomax tasered him and fell to the ground.
"That should do it," Tomax smirked over their twitching bodies.
Ten minutes later…
"You're telling me that thanks to that stupid ray gun…" Zartan groaned. "The Baroness turned us into sheep?"
"What the hell has been going on while we were out?" Zandar asked.
"Short version," Xamot said.
"The Baroness and Zarana have taken over Cobra," Tomax said.
"And using your idiot Dreadnoks as…" Xamot paused. "Well I wouldn't call them high command exactly…"
"More like cannon fodder reserves," Tomax added.
"So we've decided," Xamot went on.
"To take back Cobra," Tomax said. "With help from you! Are you in?"
"That depends," Zandar folded his arms. "Who exactly will be in charge here?"
"Uh I think that's rather obvious," Tomax snorted. "My brother and I…"
"Will handle the majority of the affairs of Cobra," Xamot said quickly. "The business part. You will handle the other things."
Zartan and Zandar looked at each other. "An interesting proposition," Zartan admitted. "But we have one tiny suggestion. A minor alteration to your plan…"
Five minutes later…
"OH, COME ON!" Both Xamot and Tomax shouted from behind a cell door.