Coup D' What?
"Where the hell are they?" Zarana looked around the hallways.
"How should I know?" The Baroness snapped. "They're your stupid Dreadnoks!"
"You were the stupid one leaving them there with our hostage!" Zarana shouted back.
"Well I didn't hear you offering up any suggestions!" The Baroness shot back.
"Oh, let's stop bitching and find them!" Tiffany shouted. "They couldn't have gotten far!"
"THE SECURITY SYSTEM IS DOWN!" The Baroness shouted. "For all we know they could be halfway to Mexico by now!"
"I knew it was a mistake to work with you," Zarana grumbled. "But I did it anyway!"
"You didn't exactly bring that much to the table either!" The Baroness snapped. "Tiffany is more useful than you are!"
"Ditto!" Zarana growled.
"Well, well, well…" Zartan snickered as he and Zandar stepped from behind a corner. "You two bitches fighting like alley cats. Why am I not surprised?"
"Zartan!" The Baroness growled.
"And Zandar," Zandar said. "I'm here too."
"How did you return from being bloody sheep?" Zarana asked.
"Electric shocks reverse the process," Zartan said. "Why is Road Pig in a dress?"
"He's now called Tiffany," Zarana said. "New personality."
"Well the old ones were wearing rather thin," Zandar admitted.
"Look," Zartan said. "Long story short, we're taking back Cobra."
"Uh no you're not," The Baroness folded her arms. "Nice try though."
"Oh yes I will!" Zartan snapped. "You are going to pay for turning me into a sheep!"
"And me!" Zandar shouted.
"You were only sheep for less than a bloody week!" Zarana shouted. "Torch has been in comas longer than that!"
"Now you know how I feel when you lot turned me into a damn dog!" The Baroness shouted.
"Like you weren't already a bitch," Zandar quipped.
"The point is," Zartan snapped. "I'm taking back Cobra and making it great again!"
"That would imply Cobra was great before," Zandar gave him a look.
"Why do you think we kidnapped Walden Kelso in the first place!" Zarana admitted. "But now we can't bloody find him!"
"Who is Walden Kelso?" Zartan shouted. "And why does that name sound familiar?"
"He's the teenage twit you sold all those dog videos of me to!" The Baroness shouted.
"Oh right," Zartan realized. "Now I remember. You two kidnapped him in order to get his money""
"So it's like a Getty thing?" Zandar asked.
"In more ways than you can imagine," The Baroness groaned.
"Nobody wants to pay for the numb nut either!" Zarana snapped.
"Hang on…" Zartan began. "What about his parents…?"
"He evicted them from their home," Zarana cut him off.
"Well his company…" Zartan tried again.
"Is being taken over by his childhood rival who would love to see him dead," Zarana added.
"Well his personal bank account…" Zartan tried once more.
"Doesn't have one," Zarana told him. "Because everyone just gives him bloody free stuff!"
"And now we can't find him or the Dreadnoks!" The Baroness snapped.
"YOU LEFT THOSE IDIOTS IN CHARGE OF A BILLION DOLLAR HOSTAGE?" Zartan shouted.
"I was a little busy trying to save a company that started drowning under Cobra Commander's watch!" The Baroness snapped. "Spoiler alert. You two didn't improve things."
"Things got worse after we deposed you," Zarana admitted.
"How much worse?" Zandar asked.
"We lost our Research and Development team for starters," Tiffany said. "Over a cliff."
"You're not speaking metaphorically, are you?" Zartan asked.
"Nope," Tiffany shook her head. "I'm talking an actual cliff."
"Our computers and security system are down," Zarana added. "Thanks to a computer virus we created."
"Twelve people just up and quit to go work for Disney," Tiffany said.
"To be fair," Zartan shrugged. "They are closer to ruling the world than we are."
"Our stocks are tanking," Zarana added. "More stores we invested in went bloody bankrupt and are closing up shop. Like Giraffe Toys."
"Giraffe Toys is going out of business?" Zartan gasped.
"What kind of world do we live in?" Zandar gasped.
"A lot did happen in a week," Zartan admitted.
"Our printers are down," Tiffany added. "And by down, I mean half of them caught on fire."
"Some of our elevators are broken," The Baroness added. "With the elevator repair crew inside. And there's black mold in the break room. We suspect the Dreadnoks."
"Way to run Cobra, Baroness," Zandar quipped.
"Don't start with me, Pinky Lee!" The Baroness growled.
"THAT WAS BLOODY AWESOME!" Torch was heard whooping.
"BEST DAY EVER!" Walden was heard next among raucous laughter.
"I believe I've found them," Tiffany said dryly.
"That was awesome!" Walden walked in with the Dreadnoks laughing. He was wearing a biker vest over his clothes.
"So glad you had a good time," Zartan said sarcastically.
"Hey!" Torch said. "Zartan you ain't a sheep no more!"
"Thank you for noticing Torch," Zartan said dryly. "And also thank you for making sure our prisoner didn't escape!"
"Your prisoner?" The Baroness looked at him.
"Escape?" Walden shouted. "Are you kidding? Okay I admit at first, I was planning on escaping. Until we got to the convenience store and we robbed it and I blew it up with a rocket launcher."
"You did what now?" Zartan blinked.
"Don't worry," Walden waved. "Nobody died. The clerk went on his break to get a pizza before we blew the place up."
"In his defense," Torch said. "I thought it wasn't a real rocket in the rocket launcher I gave him."
"You did what now?" The Baroness asked.
"That's when the real fun started," Torch grinned.
"Oh my God…" The Baroness groaned. "What did you do?"
"Well…" Torch paused.
FLASHBACK!
Somewhere out in the desert…
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"WHOOO!" Walden whooped as he blew up a cactus with the rocket launcher. "This is great!"
"Yeah," Torch looked behind him. "Good thing we found a gun and ammo store all the way out here."
"Pretty ironic too," Ripper snickered at the two men tied up in chairs in front of the building.
"I wanna blow something else up!" Walden whooped. "Another building!"
"I like the way this kid thinks!" Monkeywrench grinned.
Ripper grinned. "Now what can we blow up that nobody will miss?"
"Well who cares if somebody does miss it?" Torch asked.
"Good point," Ripper agreed.
"Should we blow up the gun and ammo store?" Torch asked. "I mean it would go up like a candle."
"Nahhh," Buzzer said. "I mean small business owners have it tough enough as it is in this economy."
"Good point," Ripper said. He noticed something. "Hello…?"
"Hello?" Walden looked around.
Riper went to a bulletin board outside the store. "Look at this! I think I found something."
"What?" Torch and the others went to look. "Oh. That could work."
Fifteen minutes later…
A small building called The Tomato Museum was in view. Signs were all over the place saying: See the biggest tomato in the world! Tomatoes from all over the world! Learn how a tomato plant grows!
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
SPLAAAAAAAAAAAAATT!
"OH YEAH!" The Dreadnoks and Walden whooped.
"It's raining tomatoes!" Walden laughed.
"Yaaaaahhhh!" A drunk man drinking a beer was standing next to them. "BLOW IT ALL UP! WHOO!"
"Who are you again?" Ripper asked.
"Oh, I'm the guy the boss hired to run his museum while he went out of town to buy some pineapple tomato plants," The man hiccupped. "Just to keep the store open and make sure nothing happens to it."
The man blinked. "Man am I going to get fired."
FLASHFORWARD!
"YOU DID WHAT NOW?" Both Zartan and the Baroness shouted.
"Relax," Torch waved. "One, nobody died. Two, it was a bloody tomato museum!"
"Yeah, I mean," Walden snickered. "Odds are it was going to get destroyed sooner or later. Or used as a salad."
"And not like there was a huge crowd of people waiting in line," Buzzer added.
"Nobody was in line!" Ripper said.
"Hence why nobody got killed," Torch added.
"The only guy there was somebody the curator hired to watch the place," Monkeywrench explained. "And he was plastered out of his bloody mind."
"He is so not going to get paid," Walden snickered. "And we did way worse on the way back."
"What did you do?" The Baroness snapped.
"Short version," Torch whistled. "Walden blew up a cop car. Long version…This cop car was following us…"
"You have got to be kidding me!" The Baroness shouted.
"The cops got out of the car before it blew up," Walden said. "What's the problem?"
"You'll find out next time you get pulled over," Zarana rolled her eyes.
"I never had so much fun in my life!" Walden said happily.
"This is not good is it?" Tiffany asked.
"Brilliant deduction Tiffany!" The Baroness groaned.
"Guys I've made a huge decision!" Walden said. "Screw being a billionaire! Working in business is boring! I wanna be a Dreadnok!"
"Let me get this straight," Zartan blinked. "You want to give up being one of the richest people on the planet to hang around with one of the dumbest poorest groups of men on this planet?"
"Now we've gone from Getty to Patty Hearst," Zarana groaned. "Brilliant. Bloody brilliant."
"I was also thinking," Walden said. "If you need the money we can just sneak back into my company and steal it. If you let me be a Dreadnok."
"Welcome to the gang!" Torch whooped. The other Dreadnoks cheered.
"You don't decide who gets to be a Dreadnok!" Zartan snapped. "Only I decide who gets to be a Dreadnok!"
"What about your Uncle Zanzibar?" Buzzer asked.
"He doesn't count," Zartan snapped. "I only let him have that delusion in hopes he'd get blown up!"
"Yes, but Zartan," Tiffany spoke up. "Considering the circumstances, it might not be the worst idea to let a billionaire who knows how to make money in the gang."
"You're not even the personality that is a Dreadnok!" Zartan snapped.
"So much for taking back control," The Baroness quipped.
"SHUT UP!" Zartan snapped. "I am taking control of Cobra!"
"NO!" The Baroness got in his face. "I AM KEEPING CONTROL OF COBRA!"
"OVER MY DEAD BODY!" Zartan shouted.
"THAT CAN BE ARRANGED!" The Baroness snapped.
"Oh blimey," Torch groaned. "Not again…"
"No matter who wins this fight," Buzzer agreed. "We lose!"
"Or…" Walden said. "You can work for me and never have to listen to these guys ever again."
"What?" Zartan shouted. "What did you say boy?"
"Hang on," Monkeywrench said. "Let him talk."
"I wanna hear what he has to say," Ripper agreed.
"You cannot seriously be considering this!" The Baroness shouted. "You would turn on me for this teenage twit?"
"That's not exactly implausible," Zandar looked at her.
"Okay I'll give you that one," Zartan admitted to the Dreadnoks. "That one is a no-brainer."
"Like The Baroness," Zandar quipped.
"HEY!" The Baroness shouted.
"But you can't seriously turn on us!" Zartan shouted. "Your own Dreadnoks."
"Well technically we have before," Monkeywrench pointed out.
"SHUT UP!" Zartan shouted. "I have been the leader of you idiots since the beginning! You're seriously going to turn your backs on me for money?"
"No," Walden said. "I expect them to turn on you for a boatload of money! And donuts!"
"I am shutting this down right now!" Zartan snapped. "I am the leader of the Dreadnoks! I founded this group!"
"We do have history," Torch nodded.
"On the other hand," Tiffany spoke up. "Walden is a billionaire. Which means he can pay us. None of you can't. The business is tanking."
"Yeah even we know when people are running off to Disney for jobs it ain't good," Buzzer said. "And when there's black mold in the break room."
"It's not that we don't appreciate what you've done for us Zartan," Tiffany said. "It's just…We have to think of our future. And honestly…"
"You don't have much of one," Torch spoke up.
"And if he can see that…" Tiffany added. "Well…"
"Interesting," Zartan pointed his gun at them. "Let me propose a counter argument!"
The Baroness and Zarana pointed their guns at Zartan and Zandar. "We have guns too!" Zarana snapped.
"So do we!" Buzzer said as the Dreadnoks pointed their guns at them. Soon everyone was pointing guns at each other.
"Oh yeah!" Walden took out a gun. "I've got a gun too!"
"You gave our hostage a gun?" The Baroness shouted.
"You gave our hostage to them?" Zandar snapped.
"You're so going down," The Baroness glared at him.
"He does have a point," Zarana admitted.
"Whose side are you on?" The Baroness snapped. Zarana backed away and joined her brothers. "OH, REAL MATURE!"
"Family before freaks," Zarana snapped.
"YOU'RE ALL FREAKS!" The Baroness shouted.
"Looks like what we have here…" Tiffany said as she held her own gun. "Is a Mexican Standoff."
"Shouldn't that be a Cobra Standoff?" Walden asked. "Wait are we in Mexico?"
"This is what you want to lead you?" Zartan shouted at the Dreadnoks.
"Well he's got the same IQ as most of them," The Baroness quipped. "On that aspect he fits right in."
"I got it!" Torch said. "Tiffany you help us put these blokes away you get to be head of the Dreadnoks!"
"Why her?" Buzzer snapped.
"She's the muscle dude," Torch said.
"He's right," Ripper conceded. "She's stronger than all of us put together."
"That's because she's got so many people in her brain!" Zartan shouted. "She used to be two guys!"
"How did that happen again?" Walden asked.
"Split personality," Buzzer explained. "And both of 'em were stronger than most of us together."
"Make me Head Dreadnok I promise free drinks and donuts," Tiffany said.
"All those in favor?" Torch asked.
"AYE!" The Dreadnoks and Walden cheered.
"OPPOSED!" Zartan shouted. "WE'RE OPPOSED! HOW CAN YOU VOTE FOR HER?"
"Well it is time a woman was in charge," Torch admitted.
"HELLO?" Zarana shouted. "WHAT ABOUT ME?"
"What about you?" Buzzer quipped.
"TIFFANY ISN'T EVEN AN ACTUAL WOMAN!" Zarana shouted.
"Oh yeah," Monkeywrench snorted. "Bring basic biology into this!"
"Labels!" Tiffany agreed.
"Little problem here," The Baroness gave them a look. "We all have weapons!"
"And I'm going to use mine!" Zartan fired his weapon. But it didn't do anything. "What the…?"
"Mine isn't working either!" Zandar realized.
"They're laser pistols you twit," Zarana scoffed. "You have to charge them at least once a week otherwise the batteries dry out. That being said…" She tried her weapon. "Damn it! I knew I forgot to do something this week!"
"HA!" The Baroness smirked. Then she tried to fire hers. "Damn it!"
ZZAPP!
She jumped as a laser blast missed her and hit the wall. "What the…?"
"I remembered," Torch smirked as he held his laser rifle.
"So did I," Tiffany grinned as she fired a blast into the wall.
"Us too," Ripper grinned with the other Dreadnoks. Buzzer revved up his chainsaw weapon.
"I know mine works," Walden grinned.
"Oh, bloody hell…" Zartan groaned as he put up his hands.
Five minutes later…
"So…" Xamot asked their new cellmates. Zartan, Zandar, The Baroness and Zarana were in the cell with them.
"How'd that coup pan out?" Tomax asked.
"Without us?" Tomax and Xamot asked at the same time.
"Oh, shut up!" Zartan glared at Tomax and Xamot.
"Our hostage has now taken us hostage," Zarana groaned. "This is a low even for us."
"I hate you all so much…" The Baroness growled.