Coup-Coup Ka-Choo Mr. Destro
"This is all your fault!" The Baroness shouted at Zartan.
"How is this my fault?" Zartan shouted back.
"You're the one who interrupted everything and made me lose control over Cobra!" The Baroness shouted.
"You lost control way before I came back!" Zartan snapped. "You're the genius who kidnapped that brat Kelso in the first place!"
"I wouldn't have had to kidnap Kelso if you and the Dumb As Doorknockers didn't get this company in the red!" The Baroness snapped back.
"That was under Cobra Coward's leadership and you know it!" Zartan shouted.
"This is all your fault and you know it!" The Baroness shouted.
"Your fault!" Zartan shouted.
"YOURS!" The Baroness shouted.
Meanwhile the rest of the cells occupants sat to the side of the cell, looking very tired and very bored. "How long have we been in here?" Xamot moaned as the two fought.
"It feels like weeks," Tomax moaned.
"Only one bloody day," Zarana grumbled.
"It's going to be a bloody day for real if we have to listen to any more of this," Zandar grumbled as he picked up a bottle of alcohol.
"Thank God this cell has a food dispenser," Zarana sighed as she pointed to the vending machine type object on the wall. "We won't starve to death."
"Forget the food," Tomax said as he drank his own bottle.
"We're grateful it has an alcohol dispenser!" Xamot groaned as his brother gave him the bottle to drink.
"One of Cobra Commander's better ideas," Zandar admitted. "He figured if prisoners had plenty of access to alcohol they'd be a lot easier to control."
"YOUR FAULT! NO, YOURS! YOURS!" The Baroness and Zartan were now literally wrestling each other. "OW! STOP PULLING MY HAIR WOMAN! ONLY WHEN YOU STOP PULLING MY HAIR!"
"So much for that idea," Zarana quipped.
"THIS IS YOUR FAULT! NO! YOUR FAULT! OW! OW!" The Baroness and Zartan fought on the floor. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU MORE!"
"Of all the images that ran through my mind of what I would find when I returned, I did not expect to see this."
They all stopped and looked up. Destro, Mindbender and Zanzibar were in front of the cell. "I must admit this is rather a heartwarming sight," Destro smirked.
"DESTRO!" Everyone shouted. "MINDBENDER!"
"And me!" Zanzibar said cheerfully. Everyone groaned at that.
"You're back," The Baroness untangled herself from Zartan and stood up.
"Both literally and figuratively," Destro nodded.
"Did you get electric shocked too?" Zartan asked.
"How did you ever guess?" Zanzibar groaned. "What happened was…"
FLASHBACK!
"No! Destro stop chasing Mindbender!" Zanzibar shouted as he chased the two men with a spray bottle. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop clawing at the furniture! Damn it! This stupid little bottle is useless! Hang on!"
He ran out and came back in with a long hose. "AH HA!" Zanzibar laughed. "Destro! Mindbender! Get away from that circuit board! Stop chewing on the cords! YOU ASKED FOR IT!"
Zanzibar turned on the hose and water sprayed everywhere. Unfortunately, since the wires were frayed, electricity also went everywhere.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" The men screamed in agony as electricity jolted through their bodies. They fell to the floor writing in pain.
"Owww…" Mindbender groaned. "I so have to fix that alarm clock."
"God what hell have I woken up to now?" Destro moaned. "Where am I? Zanzibar? What the hell are you doing man?"
"Just here frying my eggs brain…" Zanzibar said in a funny voice.
FLASHFORWARD!
"It was only the third time in my life I was both in torment and relieved by an electrical shock," Zanzibar groaned.
"Quick question," Destro blinked. "How did you lot end up in here? Baroness didn't you carry out a coup?"
"I did," The Baroness groaned. "With Zarana but then these idiots got their brains back…" She pointed to Zartan and Zandar. "To try to take over in another coup."
"Only for us to all get taken over by a counter coup," Zandar explained. "By none other than Walden Kelso and Tiffany. Who is now leading the Dreadnoks!"
"All right," Destro paused. "I know who Walden Kelso is. He's the teenage billionaire we sold all those Baroness Bitch videos to. But who the hell is Tiffany?"
"Tiffany is Road Pig's new personality," Zarana explained. "Spoiler alert: She's a lot more competent than the other ones. And a better dresser."
"Let me see if I get this straight," Mindbender held up his hand. "You were all taken down in a coup carried out by the Dreadnoks, a teenager and a transsexual with a multiple personality disorder? That's hilarious!"
"I agree," Destro laughed along with Mindbender and Zanzibar.
"It's not funny!" The Baroness shouted.
"Oh I beg to differ," Destro chuckled. "Thank you. We really needed a good laugh."
"We did," Mindbender laughed. "We really did!"
"Just get us out of here!" The Baroness snapped.
"First things first," Destro said. "I am taking over Cobra. Again. I hope there are no objections to this?"
"Because if you do!" Zanzibar grinned. "It will be time to walk the plank!"
"Zanzibar…" Destro sighed.
"Listen up and listen well you bilge rats!" Zanzibar shouted. "I'm second in command! And what I say goes! Unless Destro says something different. But that's just common sense."
"Hang on," Destro said. "I never agreed to that."
"That does not sound right to me either," Mindbender agreed.
"When I say jump! You say how high?" Zanzibar strutted in front of the cell. "Or in some case on who?" He wrinkled his eyebrows suggestively at the Baroness' direction.
"I'd rather rot in this cell," The Baroness folded her arms.
"Well I wasn't just suggesting it to you either!" Zanzibar pointed at the Twins who happened to be standing right behind her. "Let's just say I'm always up for some experimentation."
"Ewwww…." The Twins said as one.
"That's too creepy even for me," Mindbender told Destro.
"The point is, Destro is in charge and I'm under him!" Zanzibar grinned.
"I do not like how that is phrased," The Baroness groaned.
"Me neither," Destro admitted. "Although I am assuming your cooperation with my total control of Cobra…I am prepared to make one minor concession."
Five seconds later…
"OH, COME ON!" Zanzibar screamed as he was behind bars now.
A few minutes later the Cobras were in the hallways. "I have to admit," Zartan said. "That was a good concession."
"A good leader knows when to give and what to give," Destro said. "Now let's see if we can regain control of this situation you idiots have gotten us into!"
"It wasn't our fault," The Twins said as one.
"We were mostly locked in the cell!" Xamot protested.
"Shut up you twits!" Zarana snapped.
"Technically you lot made the mess," Tomax added.
"Do you want to go back in the cell?" Mindbender snapped.
"I'm sure Zanzibar would love the company!" Destro added.
"We'll be good," The Twins gulped.
"All right," Destro looked around the office. "Where the hell is everyone?"
"I don't even smell the Dreadnoks," Zartan remarked.
"The Dreadnoks left with Walden Kelso yesterday. They're gone."
They turned around and saw all their employees wearing suits and business attire. Even Toby Lord of Dark Matter was wearing a smart grey business suit and red tie. "What is all this?" The Baroness asked. "You all look…normal."
"I got all the employees together. We've had a meeting," Toby Lord of Darkness said. "And we all came to a realization that this company was running much better when you people weren't here."
"We had a meeting with Walden Kelso shortly after he and the Dreadnoks incarcerated The Baroness and her crew," A man in a suit explained. "Long story short, he made some calls. And bought our company. You're out. He's in."
"And I am the new President of this Branch," Toby Lord of Darkness explained. "With an increase in salary and a corner office."
"WHAT?" The Cobras shouted.
"It's all right here," The man in a suit showed them some papers. "You can keep the copies. We have more."
"You can't do that!" Destro roared as he looked at the paper.
"Can and have," Toby Lord of Dark Matter said. "There was a lot less paperwork than I thought there would be."
"It was surprisingly easy," Another man in a suit agreed.
"Plus, we also called the authorities about…" Toby Lord of Dark Matter looked at his watch. "Oh, ten minutes ago. If I were you…I'd escape now. And not come back."
"WHAT?" The Cobras shouted.
"Oh, bloody hell!" Zarana groaned.
"Wait a minute," Destro shouted. "You can't turn us in! We can turn you in!"
"Not without proof," Toby Lord of Dark Matter grinned. "And we've effectively either burned or changed what few documents there were to connect us. We told the authorities that we had a costume party this week and we didn't realize you lot weren't wearing costumes until now."
"There's just enough legal documents to prove that the twins here were trying to run our company," A woman in a suit pointed to the twins. "But that's it. Our story is that we just found out that this company was founded by terrorists without our knowledge and we're sticking to it."
"Why do you think we all changed our clothes?" Another man asked. "Our butts are covered, yours aren't."
"Oh, and don't bother going to that company you have in Seattle," Toby Lord of Dark Matter added. "We told the authorities all about that one."
"WHAT COMPANY IN SEATTLE?" Destro roared as the others looked at the Twins.
"I knew you bastards were holding out on us!" The Baroness shouted.
"Moot point actually," Toby Lord of Dark Matter shrugged. "By now both GI Joe and the FBI are going over that base like my aunts at a picnic. And as you can imagine by the subtext, pretty much nothing will be left by the time they get through with them."
"Bloody hell," Tomax groaned.
"You and I are seriously going to have a little talk about all this," Destro glared at the Twins.
"Also guys," Toby Lord of Dark Matter spoke up to his group. "When the authorities get here. Drop the code names. Just call me Henderson. Or TH. Or Toby."
"Yeah, we know," A guy said. "Keep the alter-egos on the down-low."
"And where the hell are we supposed to go?" The Baroness shouted.
"Wait, do we still have our ship?" Zartan asked. "I've honestly forgotten."
"It was left back at the last base," Toby Lord of Dark Matter said. "Which we told them about. You lot might want to put together some cab fare."
"We're not going anywhere!" Destro snapped. "As the leader of Cobra I am in charge!"
That's when the crowd pulled out their weapons. "We thought you might say that," A woman said. "How's this for a persuasive argument?"
"Surprisingly effective," Zandar groaned.
Sirens were heard in the distance. As well as the sound of a helicopter. "As is that…" Zartan admitted.
"Uh Destro?" The Baroness gulped. "Perhaps discretion may be the better part of valor?"
"This is the point where Cobra Commander usually shouts…" Tomax began.
"Retreat!" Xamot added.
"I am not yelling retreat!" Destro snapped.
"Is that the sound of a military helicopter?" Zartan realized.
"Sounds like more than one of them!" The Baroness said.
"LEAVING!" Destro shouted as the Cobras ran away.
That evening in a very run-down neighborhood in LA. A group of familiar figures were sitting at a booth at a chicken shack. The only people there were some bored looking teenagers at the counter and a cook in the back.
"Guess who is probably going to be on the evening news tonight?" Zarana grumbled. The Cobras had somehow found several sweatshirts to cover their outfits with. They also had several fried chicken meals in front of them.
"Lucky for us we managed to escape," Tomax grumbled as he sipped his drink.
"Even luckier or escape route was through a Salvation Army," Xamot added. "And we were able to cover ourselves with hoodies."
"Just to recap our day," The Baroness grumbled. "We lost our business, our base, our money, our hostage to get more money, our means of transportation, most of our weapons…And are now hiding out…in all places. A Clucky's Chicken Shack."
"Oh, how things have come full circle," Destro sighed.
"We also lost the Dreadnoks," Zartan grumbled as he sipped some coffee. "And left Zanzibar to get captured."
"Huh," Destro paused. "It's true. For every dark cloud there is a silver lining."
"Just so I'm clear…" Mindbender asked. "Who's in charge of Cobra again?"
Destro glared at Mindbender. "Shut up."