Eventually summoning the courage, she climbed out, straightened her clothes, and walked across the dark street to his front gate. With a long inhale she squared her shoulders, told herself not to cry and walked up the path to knock on the door.
After her knuckles had tapped against the glass pain 3 times, she lowered her hand and listened intently. With a few footsteps and a click of a lock, the door opened, to reveal a dumbfounded Jared, in his trackpants and a t shirt.
"Chris?" His face developed from a shocked frown into a big smile. "What on…... I mean, why on earth?" He stammered stepping out to hug her to him. "I, I, wow, I can't believe you are here." He kissed her hair and held her tight. "This is the best surprise. I mean I know we talked about you coming but, I didn't think you would be here now… today?" He laughed as he lent back. She dropped her arms from him and nodded slowly.
"Yeah," she replied softly, dropping her gaze as he looked at her. The sad tone in her voice stemming from what she was wrestling with inside. It only took a second for it to suddenly make Jared stop and search for her eyes.
"Babe?" He lowered his head so he could see her face. "Is everything okay?"
"I um, I came because, I, or, no, WE, need to talk. Can we go inside?" She asked quietly, a few tears beginning to build as she contorted her face to keep them in.
Suddenly Jared felt sick. Had she come here to break up with him? To tell him she didn't want this anymore. He motioned for her to go in and walked in behind her, studying her.
"Are we okay? I, I suddenly feel like this isn't a good visit?" He looked at her questioningly as he closed the door. She shrugged off her coat and hung it over the chairback nearest her.
"I, ah, I don't know what to make of any of this." She began not meeting his eyes. "I just needed to be here to talk." She said as she stood awkwardly, nervously chewing her lip.
He stepped in front of her and placed his arms on her elbows. "Chris, did I do? Say something that I…"
"No," she shook her head. "Sorry, No, it's um something I saw, and I don't know what to make of it. I couldn't try to talk to you about this over the phone. So, I took a day and came here and..." He guided her to the sofa.
"Okay, sit," he replied. "You know that you're scaring me though." He added softly.
She smiled sadly at him and pursed her lips with a nod, "Sorry, I just, I can't do small talk I need to get it out."
"Okay, let me get us both a drink and you can get it out."
"Yep," she nodded watching him move to the kitchen. She knew that this was scaring him, and he would be torturing himself about why she was here and what was wrong. It was torturing her too. What if this blew up their relationship and this was the last night, she could say she was his? So, when he returned to place her glass on the table, she tugged his hand to make him sit on the coffee table in front of her.
He sat down and took both her hands. Nodding at her with a nervous swallow as if to give her the okay to begin. Chris sucked in a breath and puffed out her chest.
"Okay, so, um," she began hesitating, but then chewed her lip as she knew she just had to spit it out. "Today while we were on a mission, a school shooting, I saw Caitlin." She blurted.
"Okay?" His eyes searching her face as he nodded,
"She was picking up a small girl about 3years old,"
"Uh huh…. And?" He asked trying to follow her thoughts.
"The little girl called her mommy." She stated and momentarily dropped her eyes. Afraid to look at him. Jared sat frozen. Her words took a few seconds to register. She was terrified to know what he would say. But she managed to lift her eyes to him, she needed to gauge his reaction.
He blinked and looked back at her, his face contorting through a range of emotions, from confusion to what she was talking about, to the shock of it all, as the gravity of it slowly hit him. Chris could see the moment that the real meaning of what she said hit him. It was as if the ground under him began to shake and open up. "Oh god," was a whisper as his hands drew away from her and he stood up wiping his face with his palm and turning to stare out the window.
For what felt like forever, a silence echoed around the room.
"Did you talk to her?" He asked softly as he turned back to face Chris.
She just shook her head and tensioned the muscles in her face as she looked down at her feet. Again, she was willing herself not to cry. She was doing her best to keep the tears in. But as Jared stood reeling, looking back at her, that too hit him, he saw the tears welling in her eyes. Instantly, he realised why she had just driven 5 hours to see him. Why she was on the verge of tears. He knew she was thinking the worst like he had. That this child was his and that she was probably trying to determine what this meant for them. He knew she was scared and probably doing her best to hold herself together. He drew in a deep breath as he moved to the floor in front of her.
"Chris?" He spoke quietly as he reached for her hands again. She almost felt like not letting him take them. Her brain was screaming at her to throw up her walls and run. But she tentatively let him. "I, I had no idea. Please believe that. I haven't seen her in years, and she has never mentioned a child."
Chris burst into tears, pulling her hands free and using them to completely cover her face, as Jared sighed and reached out to wrap his arms around her. The fact he didn't know about Danielle and hadn't been lying to her, or hiding this, was a huge comfort. But she was still so scared. What if Danielle was his? Would he want to be with Caitlin again? The questions swirled inside her head as she felt him shudder too. She uncurled her arms from herself and hugged him tightly. Her head on his shoulder as they both stayed there.
The moment she felt him sob against her cheek, made her heart break. They both knew they loved each other, but, but what if they weren't, 'meant to be?' ran through her mind.
Eventually, they both sat back a fraction. He grabbed her face and held his forehead against hers. "God, I'm glad you are here. I am glad you came." He locked his eyes to hers. "Please believe me. I know nothing about a child. No idea if it is mine or if she was seeing anyone else around that time."
Chris nodded and closed her eyes. "I see that." She sobbed and swiped at her tears. "I'm scared though, this is huge, big, massive. What if you and her have a child? Where does that…." She began sobbing hard. He tightened his arms around her.
"Shhhhhhhh" he comforted her.
"No, Jared," she sobbed. "Where the hell does that leave us?" Jared swallowed hard. His fingers gently caressing her jawline.
"Chris, I, I don't have all the information to have all the answers yet. But" he paused and lifted his head off hers to make sure she was looking into his eyes. "But please trust me and don't think that any of this means I suddenly don't love you or anything. You are my world."
She swallowed and blinked, dropping her eyes. "But if Danielle is yours?"
"Danielle?" It slipped out as an exhale interrupting her, at first, he seemed slightly confused. But she saw the moment he realised that was the child's name. Chris watched him. It was as if something in that moment changed. His eyes suddenly darted back and forth as if he was thinking, trying to remember something.
"What?" She said in a whisper, fidgeting with her fingers and praying that it was nothing. He drew his gaze from the floor to her.
"Huh?" He answered, clearly still lost in his own mind,
"Why did her name do that to you?" She asked with a shaking voice. His eyes looked broken this time as he looked back at her.
"That name, Danielle. It um, it," he shook his head. "It's probably nothing, just, no I'm probably reading too much into things."
"Jared," Chris stood up stepping away from him. "If you can't open up and tell me it all, all the thoughts in your head right now then …... then..." She flapped her arms a little frustrated.
"Then what…?" He shot back, a little defensive and fiery too.
"It clearly made you think, something about her daughter being called Danielle made you wonder. I saw it." She said as her voice shook.
Jared sighed and blinked. Hearing her voice break and the raw emotion in Chris made him swallow hard and realise again what this must be doing to her. He nodded and sat back up off the floor and onto the coffee table looking at his hands. "I'm sorry, I." Chris stood arms folded looking at him, she couldn't help but feel defensive.
"Will you sit please?" He asked softly, motioning to the sofa. "I'll tell you why that made me think if you let me explain, please."
Chris inhaled and nodded. She knew she needed to give him the chance to explain and not freak out at the first sign of an issue. After all, this truly was one hell of a complicated situation.
Once she had sat back down, she curled her feet up and hugged a cushion against her. Subconsciously it served as a protective barrier. He sat next to her and angled his body towards her. Gently reaching for her hand and intertwining their fingers. His way of letting her know he was there with her and that he was really trying.
"When we were together, Caitlin and I had talked about kids. You know in a light way, dreaming and laughing about the future. Like couples do, I suppose. Well, one day we were discussing names, and I said that if I ever have a son one day, I'd like to call him 'Connor.' After a buddy of mine who I lost on tour."
Chris rubbed her thumb on Jared's fingers. "I'm sorry, that you lost someone." She looked up to him.
"Thanks." He smiled fondly, "Connor was a good friend, it was just my way of honouring him."
"I get it." Chris nodded,
"Well, she asked, 'what if we have a girl?' and I said that, if we ever had a daughter," He paused and exhaled, "I suggested the name Danielle."
"Oh." Chris felt her body stiffen and freeze. Breathing felt hard in that moment. She had predicted in her own mind that that might be where the conversation was heading, but hearing him say it out loud, well, it hurt. In that exact moment, as Chris felt the pain in her chest, his phone began ringing. Both of their eyes moving to it on the coffee table.
"It's work." He sighed and cursed, "Sorry, give me two seconds."
As he stood up to answer it, she couldn't look at him or think what to say. Why would he answer a call in a moment like this? Even she knew how important work could be, but really? Right now?
He spoke briefly, in a succinct way, with what sounded like a superior from the way he answered, "Yes Sir, understood." Chris sat confused and hurt as she tuned out to what he was saying. Was Caitlin's name choice confirmation that Danielle was Jared's daughter? Had she named her the name they had discussed when they were together?
Hanging up, Jared turned back to face Chris.
"Sorry, this case is just crazy and …." His words trailed off as he saw how vulnerable she was, how scared she was. It hit him that if he didn't handle this correctly, if he wasn't cautious, the sheer height of the walls she would throw up and the vast distance she would put between them, would be devastating.
"Hey, I'm sorry," he began moving back towards her and sitting on the edge of the sofa again. "If lives didn't depend on this case right now, I wouldn't …"
"I get it, it's fine." She nodded. She wasn't being facetious; she knew how important the lifesaving work they do, truly was.
"It, hey, Chris, look don't freak out on me just yet. Please." He pleaded reaching for her hand again. "Danielle wasn't just a name I suggested because I liked it. It was my great grandmothers name."
"And is that supposed to help?" Chris interrupted with a teary glare at him. "Is that honestly supposed to make me think she hasn't named your child the name you had discussed back then?"
"Chris, no, What I was trying to say is that Caitlin had a cousin, Danielle, who died when they were young, so it's not necessarily anything… I just… I don't know the answers?"
Chris knew in that moment that this wasn't going to get any better until they had talked. Until Jared had had a chance to speak to Caitlin about it. But as her own head spiralled out of control, she had no idea what that would even look like. Would he call her? Go back to LA and see her? How the hell do they even begin to handle this? Did Jared even want her involvement or support, or should she step away until he sorts this complication out?
Chris sat silently and motionless on the sofa. She felt awkward, scared and if she could close her eyes and make a wish it would be to be anywhere away from here.
"Hey," he said softly. "Chris, Look at me." He waited for her to return his gaze. "This is messy, I get it. But I wanna work through this and I want you by my side the whole way. I don't care how this plays out. I love you."
As he professed his love and almost pleaded with her not to push him away, she felt her own heart cracking a bit. Was it cracking to let him in further, in a good way, or breaking due to the fact that he likely had a child with the ex who he had once planned a future with?