Day Two Of Chicken Hell
"Here we are again…" Zartan yawned the following morning as he staggered into the restaurant kitchen. "Day Two of Chicken Hell."
"It's only temporary brother," Zandar had already put his wig and makeup on. "I think this experience will be good for Brad's work ethic. Give his acting more heart."
"Oh God," Zartan looked at his sister who was making coffee. "He's still doing that?"
"I'm afraid so," Zarana groaned.
"Zandar no offense," Zartan groaned. "But we already have one Dreadnok with multiple personality problems. Having another at this point would be redundant."
"I'm just trying to make the best of a bad situation," Zandar told him.
"By diving head first into Fantasy Land?" Zarana quipped. "That's always great until you hit your head on the bottom of the imaginary pool."
"It's only for a week," Zandar said. "And maybe even less if tonight's excursion pays off."
"What are you up to?" Zarana asked.
"It's best you not know for now sister," Zartan remarked. "In case we need an alibi. Or bail."
"Like any judge would grant us bail," Zarana snorted.
Then the siblings started to laugh. "It's funny because it's true!" Zandar snickered.
"True?" Zartan snorted. "With all the things we've done? We'd be lucky if we weren't shot do death before we got arrested!"
"Like that twit Zanzibar," Zarana snickered. "How much you want to bet that loser gets shanked before he even goes to trial?"
"If he makes it to his arraignment without annoying his cellmate enough to kill him it would be a miracle," Zartan snorted.
"He could always be put in solitary," Zandar said.
"Then there's a shot he might commit suicide," Zartan quipped. The siblings laughed like crazy.
"Oh, I needed that laugh," Zandar calmed down.
"We did need it didn't we?" Zartan remarked.
The Baroness staggered into the kitchen, her hair was sticking out and wild. "Where the hell is the coffee?"
"And the laughs keep on coming," Zarana snickered.
"God this week just gets worse and worse," Destro grumbled as he arrived with the others. "What time is it?"
"Almost time to open the restaurant actually," Mindbender looked at his watch. "10:25."
"That can't be that close this dump opens," The Baroness asked. "Isn't lunch traditionally noon?"
"Most restaurants that serve lunch and dinner open around 10:30 to 11AM," Zarana told her.
"Too early," The Baroness yawned. "Call me around noon."
"We'll open around 11:45," Zartan suggested. "Not exactly a crowd out there. Plus, if anyone asks just say we had some electrical problems to fix. That usually shuts them up."
"Once again, I feel I must tell you all," Destro said. "I hate this…so much. I'd almost rather be in prison!"
"You know we have to lie low for a while," Zartan said. "This is one of the last places GI Joe would look for us."
"That's because they think we'd never stoop to an honest day's work," Mindbender added.
"Frightening but true…" Destro groaned.
"Relax," Zartan waved. "I think I came up with a plan with my brother and Mindbender. If all goes well we might have the money sooner than expected."
"Do I want to know what this plan entails?" Destro asked.
"It's best you don't," Mindbender said.
"But I know a guy who can help us get out of town," Zandar said. "For a modest fee of course."
"Have you contacted him yet?" Destro asked.
"Not yet," Zandar waved. "It's best to have the hundred grand in person when we do. Trust me on this."
"We wouldn't trust you…" Tomax began.
"To watch over a dead goldfish," Xamot added.
"You really want to get into an argument about who's trustworthy right now?" Zarana snapped.
"Go ahead," Zartan remarked. "This should be amusing."
"As much as I loathe to admit it," Destro glared at the Twins. "I am in agreement with the Dreadnoks. For once."
"And how are we going to make a hundred thousand dollars…?" Xamot began.
"In a run-down fried chicken restaurant…?" Tomax added.
"In one week?" The Twins finished.
"Well it's already Thursday," Mindbender said.
"I meant a week from today," Zartan explained.
"Oh God!" The Baroness groaned.
"Don't worry," Zartan said. "We have a couple of plans. Relax."
"Just go make sure the toilet paper is properly installed in the stalls," Zandar snapped. "Over the top!"
"I always thought it was bottoms up?" Mindbender asked.
"That's how you drink!" Zarana snapped.
"No, I think Mindbender is right," Destro said. "It should go from the bottom up. That way not too much toilet paper will be wasted."
"Are you insane?" The Baroness snapped. "It's over the top!"
"Everybody bloody knows that!" Zarana added.
"I knew that," Zandar said.
"See?" Zarana pointed to her brother.
"Either way is actually…" Xamot began.
"Fine with us," Tomax finished.
"Shut up!" Everyone else said.
"It's over the top," The Baroness said.
"No, it's from the bottom up," Destro said.
"Destro does have a point about doing it that way," Zartan said. "And not wasting paper."
"Since when are you on his side?" Zarana snapped.
"Since Destro started making sense!" Zartan snapped. "Frightening I know."
"Ditto," Destro looked at him.
"And you both agree with me!" Mindbender added.
Destro looked at him. "You realize that's a valid argument for joining the other side of this debate?"
"There should be no debate!" Zartan sighed. "Let's just drop it and get ready."
A few hours later…
"From the bottom!" Destro and Mindbender shouted.
"From the top!" The Baroness and Zarana shouted.
"BOTTOM!"
"TOP!"
"BOTTOM!"
"TOP!"
"BOTTOM!"
"TOP!"
"Remind me why I thought this was a good idea again?" Zartan groaned.
"Because you're an idiot," Tomax walked out wearing a blond wig and a Clucky's Chicken shack uniform.
"And you think of stupid things," Xamot added. He was wearing an identical wig and uniform.
"Why are you dressed like that?" Destro asked.
"Because we don't just want to be janitors," Xamot snapped.
"Or recognized!" Tomax added.
"They do have a point," Zartan said.
"Thank you!" The Twins said.
"We could always use dishwashers," Zartan finished.
"Good point," Mindbender nodded.
"I agree," Destro grinned.
"We just had to open…" Xamot sighed.
"Our big mouths," Tomax sighed.
"What time is it?" Mindbender asked.
"12:25," Destro sighed as he munched on some chicken fingers. "We should have opened way before now."
"I think I see our adoring public," The Baroness noticed a woman was pounding on the door. She put on her wig. "Places everyone!"
"It's showtime!" Zandar readied himself.
"Oh joy," Zartan groaned as they prepared themselves for a long day.
"Honestly, I will be happy if no one sets any fires," Destro groaned.
"Way to raise the bar Destro," Mindbender quipped as they hid in the back.
"Coming, coming…" The Baroness grumbled under hear breath as she went to open the door.
As she did so the woman nearly ran over her and rushed into the bathroom. "OUT OF MY WAY!"
"Rude much?" The Baroness grumbled. She went back to the counter.
"You should use your American accent now," Zarana said in hers.
"I know how to do espionage!" The Baroness snapped in her American accent. "I don't tell you how to be a tramp do I?"
"I'm gonna tramp all over…" Zarana growled.
"Ladies," Zandar warned in his American accent. "And I use that word in the loosest possible terms. Can we just get through the day?"
"Seeing as we have no choice," The Baroness groaned. Then the woman came out of the bathroom. "Welcome to Clucky's Chicken Shack. May I take your order?"
"I'm not eating here," The woman said.
"You weren't pounding on the door just now to get a meal?" The Baroness asked.
"No! I just wanted to use the bathroom!" The woman snapped as she left. "Totally inconsiderate of you people to open so late!"
"This does not bode well," The Baroness said to the others.
A few hours later…They finally got one customer.
"Let me see," A large man looked at the menu. "What do I want? What do I want?"
"Well he must want something," Zarana whispered to Zandar. "He's been standing there for five minutes."
"All right," The man said to the Baroness. "I would like one lightly breaded Clucky sandwich. I said lightly breaded. Which means not crispy. Not extra crispy. Only mildly crispy. And instead of lettuce I would like some fresh washed arugula…"
"We don't have arugula," The Baroness said.
"Then spinach," The man went on.
"We don't have that either," The Baroness said.
"Well fine," The man waved. "I'll settle for Romaine."
"We have shredded iceberg," The Baroness said.
"French Crisp?"
"No, iceberg," The Baroness sighed.
"Butter Lettuce?"
"Iceberg."
"Chrysanthemum greens?"
"Iceberg."
"Dandelion greens?"
"If by Dandelion greens you mean iceberg than yes," Baroness remarked.
"Curly endive?"
"No! Just plain shredded iceberg," The Baroness groaned.
"Well I do have a delicate constitution," The man sniffed.
"Really?" The Baroness asked. "I wouldn't have taken you for a picky eater. The only delicate thing about you is how close you are to being a diabetic!"
The man gasped in shock. "How dare you?"
"Her?" Zarana snapped. "How dare you ask for fancy arugula and lightly toasted chicken? Seriously, this is a two-dollar chicken restaurant. You get what you pay for!"
"What about the customer is always right?" The man snapped.
"Not in this restaurant," The Baroness snapped.
"I'm leaving! Captain Crinkles has better chicken anyway!" The man shouted. "And secret sauce! And it's good secret sauce!"
"I hope you choke on it!" Zarana snapped.
"I am never eating in this restaurant again!" The man snapped.
"That's not as much of a threat as you think it is," The Baroness quipped.
"The real threat is that you promise to come back," Zarana added. The man huffed and left the restaurant. "What a loser!"
"I am really starting to hate Captain Crinkles," The Baroness grumbled in her regular accent.
"I'm starting to understand why food workers spit in people's food," Zarana remarked.
"Can you imagine how bad it would be if we had more customers?" The Baroness asked. "I can barely tolerate the few that do come in!"
"We won't have any more if you two keep insulting the customers," Mindbender poked his head out.
"Only the ones that deserve to be insulted," The Baroness shrugged.
"Fair enough," Mindbender shrugged and went back into the kitchen.
"I just wish we had a few more customers," Zandar grumbled. "That stupid Captain Crinkles is packed!"
"I think someone else is coming in," Zarana noticed.
"Okay this time Baroness don't scare him away!" Zandar warned. "On second thought let me do it!"
"It's all yours Brad," The Baroness said in her American accent.
"Welcome to Clucky's Chicken Shack," Zandar said cheerfully in his American accent. "How may I help you?"
"Clucky's?" The man blinked. "I thought this was Captain Crispy's? Or is it Captain Crinkles?"
"That's across the street," Zandar said calmly.
"Oh," The man looked over. "Never mind." He left the building.
"Smooth Brad," The Baroness mocked.
"SHUT UP!" Zandar snapped.
"Next time an illiterate comes in just say we're Captain Crispy's," Zarana remarked.
"Here comes some more people," Zandar noticed.
"Oh goody," Destro was heard from the back. "The suspense is killing me."
"Okay, okay…" A group of young men walked in wearing sweats and T-shirt. One young man spoke up. "I need an order of one hundred Crispy Nuggets!"
"This is…Never mind," Zandar sighed. "Anything else?"
"Twenty packets of special sauce and an extra-large diet coke!" The young man grinned. "And I'm gonna eat it all! Whoo!"
"We made a bet that this guy can't eat a hundred nuggets in under an hour," One of the other men grinned.
"This will end well…" The Baroness grumbled under her breath.
48 minutes later…
"Come on man! Come on Nate! You can do it!" The men cheered around their friend who was sluggishly eating some nuggets.
"Just when I think the gluttony of this country could not turn my stomach even more," The Baroness muttered as she watched the scene.
"Did we even have a hundred nuggets in the back?" Zandar asked. "I think we were running low."
"Let's just say I did a substitution," Mindbender poked his head out.
"What did you substitute?" The Baroness asked. "And how much?"
"About twenty five percent is something you really can't tell the difference if you fry it enough," Mindbender shrugged. "I mean really fry it so it's extra crispy. And remove the antennae and extra legs."
"You gave them cockroach nuggets?" Zandar hissed under his breath.
"It's pure protein," Mindbender shrugged. "And we have tons of them floating around under the water bins in the back."
"I think I am going to be ill," The Baroness groaned.
"It's not like those guys can tell the difference the way that one is wolfing them down," Zarana conceded.
"And they're quite tasty if you season them right," Mindbender shrugged.
"Now I know I am going to be sick," The Baroness groaned.
"You're not the only one," Zandar remarked. "I think Number 68 is taking its toll…"
"BLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"And here comes the Vomit Brigade," Zandar groaned as the young man threw up all over the place.
"Ewwww," The Baroness covered her mouth and ran into the women's room.
"Like she never saw anybody blow chunks after eating some bugs before," Zarana rolled her eyes. "But I am not cleaning that up!"
"TWINS!" Zandar shouted. "GET THE HEAVY DUTY BUCKET!"
A few hours later….
"I hate my life…" Tomax groaned. His uniform was covered in vomit and grease.
"I hate my life," Xamot agreed. His uniform was in a similar state.
"Good thing we closed early due to the excessive vomit," Destro groaned. "I don't know how much more I can take of this."
"Destro," The Baroness glared at him. "We barely made over a hundred dollars today! Much less a hundred thousand! At this rate we'll be stuck in Chicken Hell forever!"
"We won't," Zartan said. "Zandar and Mindbender are coming with me to help fix our situation."
"Maybe we can fix it with a match?" The Baroness stormed away.
"So where are you going?" Destro asked. "And what is this plan?"
"We're going to go steal money and food from Captain Crinkle's," Zartan explained.
"Good plan," Destro shrugged. "As long as you don't screw it up."
"How can we screw up a simple robbery?" Zartan asked.
Later that night…
"How's it going Mindbender?" Zartan asked. They were in the kitchen of another restaurant. They were both dressed in black with black ski caps on their heads and wearing black gloves.
"I got all the food in the freezer and kitchen stored in the van," Mindbender grinned.
"I didn't know we had a van," Zartan asked.
"We do now," Mindbender grinned.
"You did disable the security systems, right?" Zartan asked.
"First thing your brother and I did," Mindbender waved. "Relax we know what we're doing. I just have to steal some cooking oil and maybe some cooking equipment and we'll be done."
"Good," Zartan nodded. "I'll go check on Zandar in the back."
He went to the back office of the restaurant. "How's it going Zandar?"
"Better than I expected," Zandar told him. He was also dressed in black. "Not only did I find money, I found the recipe for secret sauce. And quite a few interesting photographs of a few…I'm assuming female employees."
"How much was there?" Zartan asked.
"About sixty-three thousand in cash," Zandar said.
"You mean forty thousand dollars in cash?" Zartan whispered.
"Of course," Zandar smirked. "That's exactly what I meant."
"No reason we can't get some extra scratch on the side," Zartan agreed.
"So how are we going to make the additional sixty grand?" Zandar asked. "Rob another place?"
"That did occur to me," Zartan shrugged. "Do you smell smoke?"
"Uh…" Mindbender ran in coughing. "Funny story. Details not important. I may have accidentally started a small grease fire…"
The fire alarm went off. "Make that a very large grease fire!" Mindbender coughed as smoke started to billow in.
"Mind-Bungler!" Zartan shouted.
"Just shut up, grab the money and pictures and run!" Zandar shouted as he finished throwing money into a bag.
"Pictures?" Mindbender picked one up off the desk. "Oooh! I like the blond!"
"SHUT UP AND RUN!" Zartan grabbed him.
Twenty minutes later they were back in the restaurant watching the fire department battle the blaze across the street. The flames had completely consumed the restaurant and the fire department was focused on making sure the fire didn't spread.
"Well that's one way of smoking the competition," Mindbender quipped. Zartan and Zandar glared at him. "Too soon?"