Day Three Of Chicken Hell

"Explain something to me Zartan," Destro said. "I'm confused. You said we needed to work at this Chicken Hell for about a week in order to lie low from the authorities and not attract attention."

He then pointed to the inferno blazing outside across the street in the middle of the night. "HOW THE HELL DOES THAT NOT ATTRACT ATTENTION!"

"I admit this is a slight hiccup," Mindbender spoke up. "This was on me. My bad. But in my defense that grease trap was really flammable! See the flashlight in my batteries had just gone out and…"

"Mindbender," Zartan snapped. "Do us all a favor and stop talking. For the rest of the year!"

"Look at the bright side," Zandar said.

"Bright?" Destro shouted. "It's blazing!"

"One we now have forty thousand dollars," Zandar went on. "Two, we have one less competitor to worry about. And three, now we have plenty of food stockpiled for the rest of the week. So we don't have to cut into our profits to pay for more."

"And some interesting pictures," Zartan waved the photographs.

"Oh, so I'll have something to look at in my cell!" Destro said sarcastically.

"What's going on?" The Baroness walked up to them.

"These idiots set fire to Captain Crinkles Restaurant!" Destro pointed across the street.

"Technically that was Mindbender," Zartan said. "So only one idiot is responsible."

"Good!" The Baroness snorted. "I hate that damn place."

"And we got forty thousand dollars," Mindbender added. "As well as food we can serve in this restaurant. And the recipe for secret sauce."

"So what's the problem?" The Baroness asked.

"WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?" Destro shouted. "DO YOU NOT SEE THE FIRE? THE PRESS COVERAGE? THE POLICE?"

"Yes," The Baroness said. "It's across the street."

"Exactly," Mindbender said.

"And I'm assuming that Zartan at least has half a brain to disable all the security cameras in the area," The Baroness said.

"Not just the restaurant but all the outside ones on the other security cameras on the other restaurants," Zartan added.

"How is that possible?" Destro asked.

"Mindbender made up a device…" Zartan began.

"Oh you're relying on Mindbender here?" Destro pointed. "That makes me feel better!"

"Relax! It worked!" Mindbender waved. "Nobody recorded anything. Besides Captain Crinkles is in the back of the lot nowhere near our restaurant so…"

BOOOOOOOOOOOM!

"What the hell…?" Zartan looked outside.

"Oh my God!" Zandar gasped. "The Dairy Queen just exploded."

"There must have been a gas line connecting those two or something," Mindbender realized.

"Damn it!" Zartan snapped. "If I had known that would have happened, I would have stolen money and food from them too!"

"Or at the very least get their ice cream machine," Zandar nodded.

"Will this Hell that is my life never end?" Destro groaned.

"Relax Destro," The Baroness waved. "One less competitor."

"That's right," Mindbender agreed.

"This is all your fault Mindbender!" Destro snapped.

"Will you relax?" Mindbender waved. "Look if you're that upset I'll go make some more money in the morning."

"You can't make counterfeit money," Zartan looked at him. "Our guy will see right through it."

"Oh," Mindbender said. "Well then I have another plan."

"Hooray," Destro said sarcastically.

The following afternoon…

"On the bright side we've have seventeen customers today so far," Destro said to Zartan and the Twins in the kitchen. "And thirteen of them have actually ordered something."

"Everyone is coming in here to gawk at the tragedy," Tomax said.

"It's a draw," Xamot nodded.

"The real tragedy is the pounds of lard and fat that pass as food in this country," Destro grumbled as he fried some chicken. "Damn it! This smell is not coming out of my mask anytime in the future."

"So, take the damn thing off!" Zartan snapped. "If you think about it it's kind of an obvious clue!"

"And wear a hairnet? No thank you," Destro waved. "Actually, I think my mask is more sanitary this way."

"You have a point," Zartan admitted.

"Ugh there is nothing more revolting than being forced to work in a third-rate chicken restaurant!" Destro groaned.

Suddenly there was a door slam. They turned around and saw Mindbender passionately making out with a red haired middle-aged woman in tight black clothes. They made out past them into the walk-in freezer and closed the door behind them.

"I stand corrected," Destro remarked.

"Who the hell was that?" Zartan blinked.

"Whoever she is…" Xamot remarked.

"She has incredibly low standards," Tomax quipped.

"Obviously," Zartan said. "You don't think that's another one of his Synthoids or robots, do you?"

"Those are very legitimate possibilities," Destro remarked.

"Hey guys we're actually getting more customers," Zarana said walking in wearing her Cheryl outfit. "What's going on?"

"Mindbender just went into the freezer," Tomax explained.

"Making out with some woman," Xamot finished.

"Now when you say a woman…" Zarana paused. "Do you mean an actual woman or some kind of experiment that looks like a woman?"

"I think it's an actual woman," Zartan remarked.

"Is she a hooker or…?" Zarana asked.

"Where the hell would Mindbender get money for a hooker?" Zartan asked.

"So, your theory is that an actual woman is making out with Mindbender for free?" Zarana asked.

"That does sound implausible," Destro remarked.

"Hey we're actually starting to get customers here," Zandar said as he and the Baroness arrived in the back. "What are you people doing?"

"OH MY GOD!" The woman shouted. "THOSE ABS ARE SICK! I COULD WASH MY UNDERWEAR ON THEM!"

"Witnessing an anomaly of nature," Destro explained.

"Mindbender has a woman in the freezer," Zarana explained.

"Is he cutting her up or…?" The Baroness blinked.

"He's making out with her," Destro explained.

"Now when you say a woman…" The Baroness paused.

"An actual woman," Zartan said. "We've already been through the whole Synthoid experiment, robot hooker theory."

"Is she drugged?" The Baroness asked. "Did Mindbender drug an innocent woman?"

"That is also not outside the realm of possibility," Zartan remarked.

"It's a hell of a lot more plausible than Mindbender paying her," Zarana remarked.

"OH BABY!" The woman yelled. "YES!"

"That's got to violate at least one health code," Zandar remarked.

"HEY!" A man shouted. "CAN I GET SOME SERVICE HERE?"

"Speaking of which…" The Baroness groaned. "Back to the grind."

"What about Mindbender?" Zartan asked as Zandar, Zarana and the Baroness went back up front.

"What about him?" Destro asked. "If you want to go in there and break up…The unspeakable acts being done in there be my guest."

"OH YEAH BABY!" The woman yelled with glee.

"I think not…" Zartan winced. "Wait do we need anything in the freezer?"

"FINE! I'LL GO TAKE MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE BITCH!" A man shouted up front.

"PLEASE DO!" The Baroness yelled in her American accent. "THANK YOU! DON'T COME AGAIN!"

"Probably not," Destro sighed.

Several hours later…

"Let's recap our day," Destro sighed as most of the Cobras (Minus Mindbender) sat around in the back office. "We destroyed two restaurants. Insulted at least seven people. We made about four hundred dollars in sales. We had to close early partially due to another vomit tsunami induced chicken nugget challenge…"

"This is actually a thing?" The Baroness was stunned. She and the others have taken off their wigs and speaking with their regular accents.

"Unfortunately," The Twins groaned. Their clothes were stained with grease and vomit.

"Speaking of vomit inducing incidents," Zartan groaned. "Whenever anyone needed anything from the freezer I had to go back there and see Mindbender with his…paramour."

"You only had to go in there once," Zarana told him.

"Once was enough!" Zartan snapped.

"Speaking of the devils," Destro noticed something.

"Hey guys," Mindbender walked in with the red-haired woman carrying some bags. "Sorry I'm late. I was occupied."

"We know," The Baroness groaned.

"I gotta run babe," The red-haired woman said kissing Mindbender. "Need to recharge the batteries. And I don't just mean the actual ones we used. See ya later!" She left the room.

"I feel like I am going to be physically ill," The Baroness groaned.

"Is it just me or does she look like the character Meredith Palmer from The Office?" Zartan asked.

"British or American version?" The Baroness asked.

"American obviously," Zarana said. "Meredith was an original American character. Never seen in the original British version."

"You mean the actress Kate Flannery?" Xamot asked. "She does look like her."

"She does," Tomax remarked. "Sounds like her too."

"All right Mindbender," Destro sighed. "Now that you've decided to join us…Who the hell was that?"

"Oh, that's Edith," Mindbender said. "I met her while I was on my job. Turns out we were both robbing the same place at the same time. Then boom! Kismet!"

"Here!" Mindbender put down the sacks. "There's at least a thousand dollars in these bags! Go on count it!"

"Where the hell did you get that money?" The Baroness asked as she looked through the bag.

"And why is a lot of it in quarters?" Zartan asked. "Oh no…"

"You've been stealing from laundromats again, haven't you?" Destro asked.

"Correction," Mindbender grinned. "One laundromat. And a few of those red boxes. You know? Those things that rent out the DVDs?"

Mindbender paused and rummaged through his bag. "Which reminds me I got some great DVDs too!"

"You're a regular DB Cooper, aren't you?" Destro asked sarcastically.

"Don't knock him," Zandar said. "At this rate he'll be the only one making money at all!"

"Edith was stealing from the laundromat she used to work for," Mindbender explained. "They fired her because she accidentally burned some customer's dress and stole a couple of hundred dollars from the petty cash. But she had real good reasons for both of those!"

"I'm only asking because…" Destro paused. "Well I'm confused. Did you drug her or pay her or…?"

"No! We actually had an attraction!" Mindbender told him. "Get this! She used to be a dental hygienist too! But she got black balled because she used to get high all the time off of nitrous oxide! As if no one else in my former profession ever did that! Including me!"

"Just so we're clear," The Baroness asked. "You didn't pay her off or drug her in any way…"

"No!" Mindbender grinned. "I think I'm in love!"

"I think this woman is obviously in need of some kind of psychiatric help," The Baroness quipped.

"Well it's something at least," Destro sighed.

"We're going again in a few hours," Mindbender said. "Also, we're going to rob a few more Red Boxes. Bada bump!"

"At this rate we'll only be here until Christmas," The Baroness said sarcastically.

"He made more money than we did," Destro acknowledged. "So, I'm just going to let it go."

"Speaking of going," Zartan sighed. "Come on Zandar. Zarana."

"Where are you going?" The Baroness asked.

"To go on another shopping spree," Zarana quipped.

"This time it's just going to be the three of us robbing one of those restaurants," Zartan said. "On second thought, let's rob a place on the next block. No sense in tempting fate any more than we already have."

"There's a Luftwaffle's Breakfast place two blocks from here that should be closed," Zandar said. "It's in a bad neighborhood. Not much security."

"Perfect," Zartan nodded. "This should go smoothly."

About an hour later…

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Zartan and his siblings watched from an alleyway as a restaurant went up in flames.

"Okay this one is on me," Zartan blinked. "This was my bad. In my defense…I had no idea there was a gas leak in the basement."