Help Wanted

"So, you're saying that in two days we destroyed three restaurants?" Destro asked the following morning in the kitchen of the underground bunker beneath the restaurant.

"I'm afraid so," Zartan admitted as he sipped his coffee. "On the plus side we got about five thousand dollars. And some more food."

"Because of you and Mind-Blower…" Destro groaned. "We blew up three restaurants in two days!"

"Uh Destro," The Baroness walked back into the kitchen. "I think it's more than that. I need you to see something. Upstairs."

"Oh, what fresh Hell will I be subjected to now?" Destro groaned as he and Zartan followed her.

They went upstairs to the front of the restaurant. Zarana and the Twins were already looking out the window. "This is bad even for us," Tomax remarked.

"Oh, what could possibly…?" Destro began. He then saw what was going on outside. "BY THE SOUL OF WILLIAM WALLACE! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED OUT THERE?"

The entire food court district had burned down in front of them. Firefighters and fire trucks were everywhere. As well as several cop cars and many local news stations. There were still some fires going on among the scattered heaps of rubble.

"So, here's the thing," Xamot said. "At least we don't have any competition."

"THAT'S YOUR TAKEAWAY FROM THIS?" Destro shouted.

"Excuse me for trying to look on the positive," Xamot shrugged.

"Oh, this is positive all right," The Baroness groaned. "A positive disaster!"

"No one heard anything?" Destro shouted.

"We sleep underground in a mini fortified bunker!" Zartan shouted. "A bomb could be set off in the parking lot and we wouldn't hear it!"

"It must have happened shortly after we went to bed," Zarana remarked.

"After blowing up another restaurant," Destro looked at her.

"Well not on this block!" Zarana protested. "How the hell did this happen?"

"I think I just found a clue," Zandar walked over holding a note. "I found this in the office with a bucket of uncooked French fries."

Destro took the note and read it aloud. "Everybody. This is goodbye. I'm running off to Costa Rica with Edith to begin a new life. It's been fun but it's time to make a change. Working for Cobra isn't what it used to be."

"Tell me about it," Zarana groaned.

"Understatement of the year," The Baroness said.

"Testify," Zartan groaned.

Destro read on. "Last night Edith and I hit all the remaining restaurants across the street and stole enough money from them to begin our new life. Then we blew them up…"

"One mystery solved," The Baroness said sarcastically.

"Not the big one," Zarana said. "The mystery of why any woman would willingly go with Mindbender anywhere?"

"We figure you lot can make enough money now that the competition is gone," Destro read some more. "Left you some extra fries to sell. No hard feelings. It's been real. Mindbender. PS. I also stole the secret sauce recipe. As well as that fifty grand Zartan and his family have been hording from the rest of us."

"WHAT?" The Twins shouted.

"Next time don't hide the stolen money in a mayonnaise jar," Destro read. "Oldest trick in the restaurant book. Hope at least some of you get away."

"And you call us embezzlers?" Tomax shouted at Zartan.

"I don't freaking believe this!" The Baroness groaned.

"Neither can I," Destro looked at the Baroness. "Why the hell didn't we think of that?"

"You mean blow everything up, steal the money and dump these losers?" The Baroness asked. "Yeah I saw where you were going with that."

"We should have thought of that too!" Tomax said to Xamot.

"That's the kicker," Xamot agreed.

"You?" Zandar snapped. "This is clearly a Dreadnok move! We should have thought of that!"

"That and not hiding our stash in the mayonnaise jar," Zarana said. She turned to Zartan. "I told you that was a dumb place to put it!"

"Don't think we're going to forget about that anytime soon!" Tomax snapped.

"Kind of a moot point right now," Zandar groaned.

"You know what this means?" Zartan shouted.

"That Mindbender is the smartest of all of us?" Zarana groaned.

"Besides that," Zartan admitted. "For starters we're a man down. Granted not exactly the best man or the most useful but still a man down."

"Cobra always needs a scientific genius," The Baroness agreed. "Or whatever Mindbender was."

"Sure," Zarana said sarcastically. "We'll just put an ad in the paper. Help Wanted: Psychotic mad scientist. Must not be picky about workspace or co-workers."

"That's not the worst problem we have," Destro asked.

"Is it now we may actually have customers and have to work all day?" The Baroness asked.

"Okay second worst problem we have," Destro admitted. "You don't think the authorities are going to find it very suspicious about the rash of arson incidents on restaurants in the past three days? In the same location?"

"Ohhhhh…." Everyone said as one.

"So much for keeping off the cops' radar," Zarana groaned.

"New plan," Destro sighed. "We keep the store closed and claim it's due to a gas leak. We leave tonight with what little money we have and as we go we blow the damn place up. Got it?"

"Technically we don't need to blow up…" Zarana began.

"Yes, we do!" The Baroness snarled. "I have grown to loathe this…establishment for lack of a better word. Nothing would make me happier than removing this blight to the culinary world from the map!"

"One step ahead of you," Zartan said. "Mindbender and I did the wiring the other night. All we have to do is detonate it."

"At least something is going right today," Destro sighed.

"Oh no!" Zarana gasped. "A cop is coming this way!"

"What do we do?" The Baroness hissed.

"Zandar put your wig on," Destro ordered. "Everyone put their disguises on just in case. Tell the officer we're closed due to a possible gas leak. I'll hide in the back."

"We'll go with you," Zartan said as the others fled to the back.

"Oh, for the love of," Zandar quickly put on his wig. The cop was pounding on the door. "I'm coming, I'm coming."

Zandar opened the door. "It's about time," The cop said. "You're late in opening."

"Actually, we're closed for the day due to…" Zandar began using his American accent. The cop just walked right in. "Just come right in."

"I'm Captain Wallace of the police department," The officer introduced himself. "We're investigating the huge rash of fires across the street. Plus, I'm starving and since all the good food places have been destroyed I need something to eat!"

"See the problem is that we might have a possible gas leak," Zandar explained. "So, our kitchen isn't open now."

"Then open it!" Captain Wallace snapped. "I'm willing to take the risk."

"You're willing to risk being blown up by a gas leak?"

"I don't smell gas," Captain Wallace smelled. "I smell…A lot of other things but not gas. I also need to talk to your manager."

"Or manager…Isn't here today," Zandar said. "He's on vacation. In Barbados. We're trying to reach him. But you know how bad cell phone service is there."

"Well what about your assistant manager?" Captain Wallace asked.

"Also, on vacation," Zandar said. "New Zealand I believe. Wants to see the hobbit houses. He's a hobbit enthusiast."

"Well who's running the restaurant now?" Captain Wallace snapped.

"That's a good question," Zandar gulped. "Because the guy who was running the place just called in and he quit. So…"

"Hang on," Captain Wallace asked. "The guy just called in and quit now?"

"Right before you came in," Zandar said. "I know. Shocking. Said he just came into a lot of money somehow."

"You don't say," Captain Wallace narrowed his eyes. "Who exactly is this guy?"

"He's the assistant to the assistant manager," Zandar said quickly. "Mr. Bender. Weird little man. Bald. Huge black mustache. Kind of crazy. Have no idea why he was hired."

"I'd like to speak to whoever's here," Captain Wallace said. "And I want a chicken breakfast sandwich."

"But what about the gas leak?" Zandar asked nervously. "We might have a gas leak."

"I've been up almost two days straight," Captain Wallace looked at him. "I'll take my chances!" He walked to a booth in the back.

"Okay…" Zandar gulped as he went back into the kitchen. "What do we do now?"

"Look just give him a freaking chicken sandwich and let him eat," The Baroness hissed. "As soon as he's finished we'll close up and get out of here!"

"But he wants to interview us," Zandar said.

"Okay fine," Destro grumbled. "Zandar make him a chicken sandwich and throw in some cheesy tater tots on the side."

"What are you going to do?" Zartan asked.

"Handle this," Destro took off his mask. "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself!" He put it down then went over to the police officer.

"Howdy pard'ner," Destro said in a thick Texas accent. "Name's Rex. I'm the cook of this here fine establishment. Y'all wanted to talk to me about Mr. Bender?"

"Yes," Captain Wallace sighed as he took out his notebook. "First of all, I'd like to know if you're here who's cooking my chicken sandwich?"

"Eh one of the scrubs in the back," Destro went on. "Gotta crack the whip on them tenderfoots if you know what I mean? Sorry this place is so dang unorganized but you know how it is when the boss is away the boys will play."

"Where did Destro learn to speak with a Texas accent?" Zartan blinked.

"And you two thought you were the only actors in this group," The Baroness snorted.

"So, tell me more about this Bender character," Captain Wallace commanded.

"Complete and total weirdo," Destro told him. "Nut job. Bonkers. A fruit loop without the fruit. Nuttier than a squirrel's birthday cake."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Talked in this weird European accent even though his driver's license says he's from Jersey," Destro said. "Had a habit of wearing leather jean shorts. No shirt. Always talking about his abs to the deep fryer."

"Why the hell was he hired in the first place?"

"I believe he was the manager's brother or something like that," Destro went on.

"Oh, that explains it. I'd ask if he did or said anything suspicious…"

"But he was the type that everything he did or said was odd and suspicious," Destro remarked. "I do know he was running around with some woman named Edith. Saw her last night. Had red hair…"

"Edith McCracken?"

"I don't know her last name," Destro admitted. "Looks like Kate Flannery from The Office if that helps."

"Damn it!" Captain Wallace groaned.

"You know her?" Destro asked.

"She's my ex-sister in law," Captain Wallace groaned. "Yeah I know her."

"Ohhhh…" Destro winced. "Sorry…"

"Don't be," Captain Wallace waved. "It was a relief to get her out of my family. I was almost happy my brother ran off with another woman. Until I realized she was crazier and meaner than Edith. God he's got a type."

"Again…Sorry."

"Honestly the fact that she and/or her boyfriend may have something to do with these fires does not surprise me in one bit," Captain Wallace groaned. "Do you have any idea where they might be going?"

"I did overhear them talking about going to Costa Rica," Destro prompted. "But they needed money and wasn't sure how to get it. Don't know much more than that."

"This sort of fits her MO," Captain Wallace groaned. "I'd better put out an APB. Right after I eat."

"I'll give you some extra cheesy taters," Destro got up. "On the house."

"Thanks," Captain Wallace nodded. "And some coffee if you've got it."

"Will do," Destro said. "It is strange that you're not so quick to call this in considering your family history…"

"One, my brother cheated on her and left her," Captain Wallace said. "For a woman I really hate. And two…She helped me with my divorce. I suppose I owe her a few extra minutes head start."

"Oh…"

Captain Wallace sighed. "Edith was actually the best one of my brother's three wives. And that says something about his taste in women."

Captain Wallace paused. "Now that I think about it, I like Edith better than my brother."

"Been there," Destro remarked. "I'll go mosey on back to the kitchen and rustle up your chow."

"Yeah I don't think you have a gas leak," Captain Wallace told him. "Some restaurant code violations but not a gas leak."

"Well the manager has been meaning to fix that," Destro said. "Probably soon enough."

"He can't leave soon enough," The Baroness hissed to the others.

"Just get him his sandwich and his cheesy tots!" Destro snapped as he grabbed his mask. "And take it out to him."

"Who's cooking?" Zartan blinked.

"Do I have to do everything around here?" Destro hissed as he put on his mask.

"That's not the worst idea," The Baroness admitted. "Why are you putting your mask back on?"

"Because I feel naked without it!" Destro snarled. "The same reason Zartan still wears that damn cowl!"

Zartan paused. "He's got a point."

"Just make the damn meal!" Destro ordered.

Soon they were watching Captain Wallace eat his meal. "Well it can't be much longer," Zarana whispered. "The way he's stuffing his gullet he should be done in under three minutes."

"I've seen the Dreadnoks eat slower," Zartan remarked. "Not much slower, but slower."

"Look I've checked out the lower levels," The Baroness said. "There's a door that leads to an underground tunnel we can escape through."

"Good when he leaves, we lock the restaurant," Destro said. "Steal everything we can carry. Go through the tunnel and blow up this nightmare! The bombs are all set right?"

"Well I think Mindbender did most of the wiring," Zandar said. "But I checked and yes the bombs are there."

"Who has the detonator?" Destro asked.

"I do," Zartan said.

"Give it to me," Destro said.

"Why should I?" Zartan challenged.

"Because you already blew up two restaurants!" Destro snapped. "I'd like to blow up this one!"

"Fair enough," Zartan sighed as he handed it over. "Now you push this button after…"

"Yes, Zartan I think I know how to use a detonator!" Destro interrupted. "I was an arms dealer before I joined up with the freak show known as Cobra!"

"I wouldn't call Cobra a…" The Baroness paused. "Oh, who am I kidding?"

"Let's just be patient and wait for the cop to finish," Tomax said.

THUNK!

Captain Wallace's head hit the cheesy tots. "I think he's plenty finished now brother," Xamot blinked.

"What is he doing?" The Baroness asked. "Taking a nap?"

"I think he just had a heart attack," Zarana blinked.

"No," Destro groaned as he started to gently bang his head against the wall. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…"

"Maybe he's not dead?" Xamot suggested.

"Someone should check him out," Tomax said.

"Not it!" The Twins said.

"Oh, suddenly you two are squeamish?" The Baroness snapped.

"Well then you do it!" Tomax snapped.

"Why should I do it?" The Baroness hissed. "Zartan you do it!"

"Why should I do it?" Zartan snapped.

"I'll do it!" Zandar groaned as he went over. He checked the body. Sat up Captain Wallace and looked him over.

"Well?" The Baroness asked as Zandar came back.

"Oh yeah he's dead all right," Zandar groaned. "Now what?"

"Lock the door and we'll stuff him in the freezer," Destro said. "Now! Before things get worse!"

"What could be worse than having a dead cop in our restaurant?" The Baroness hissed.

The sound of the front door opening could be heard. "Uhhh…." Zarana did a double take and pointed.

"Come on guys!" Shipwreck walked into the restaurant. "We need some chow pronto!"

"Can't we at least go to another place?" Low Light asked as he looked around. "Anyplace that doesn't smell like hope died?"

"I think you've been hanging around Roadblock too long," Leatherneck told him. "You're getting as picky as he is."

"I'm not so sure picky is the right word," Wet Suit said. "More like a healthy fear of salmonella."

"Relax guys," Shipwreck waved. "It's just a chicken restaurant. What could happen here?"

Destro looked upwards. "You really love screwing with us, don't you?"