Fangs For Coming
"Well now we're lost in a jungle," Zarana grumbled. "That's just bloody great!"
"Just shut up and let me drive woman!" Destro snapped as he drove through the dense jungle. "I didn't think there were jungles this dense this north of Mexico."
"Well apparently there are," Cobra Commander snapped. "What's the rush anyway Destro? We lost the villagers."
"And now we're lost!" Destro snapped. "So unless you want to become a snack for the indigenous wildlife…"
"Like what?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Snakes…" Destro began.
"So are we! Big deal!" Cobra Commander waved.
"Scorpions…" Destro went on. "Wolves. Jaguars. Ocelots. Not to mention mosquitoes which kill as many people with the diseases they spread as people with guns!"
"Did we pack any bug spray?" Cobra Commander asked.
"There's some back here," Zartan called out.
"Okay mosquitoes are checked off," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"Destro does have a point," Zandar said. "We don't know the territory. Our best bet is to get out of this jungle and into a city. Before we…"
VVRRRRROOOMMM!
"WHAT THE DEVIL?" Destro shouted as the vehicle came to a stop. "We're stuck in something…"
"As I was about to say," Zandar sighed. "We before we get stuck in quicksand…"
"We're not stuck in quicksand!" Destro snapped.
Ten minutes later the Cobras witness their vehicle was halfway sunk into some quicksand. "And our vehicle is stuck in quicksand," The Baroness groaned. "Perfect."
"Brilliant driving Destro," Tomax sneered.
"You try driving in a jungle without any roads!" Destro snapped.
"We were lucky to disembark the vehicle without getting stuck ourselves," Xamot grumbled.
"Did anyone remember to take the money we stole out of the van?" Zarana realized.
"I got it," Zartan showed her.
"Trust the mercenary to have his priorities," Destro grumbled.
"I'm not the one who drove our ride into quicksand!" Zartan snapped.
The Baroness noticed something behind them. "Commander…?"
Everyone of course ignored her. "And I'm the one who got the gas and remembered to take the money out of the van!" Zartan snapped.
"Well goody for you, Dr. Drew!" Destro said sarcastically. "I'm the one who made that money in the first place!"
"Destro…" The Baroness sighed. "Idiots…"
"Technically you made money using my ideas," Cobra Commander spoke up.
"Your bad ideas," Crystal Ball remarked. Cobra Commander was holding him.
"It was your stupid idea to bring in man eating lions in the first place!" Destro snapped.
"And that stupid painted donkey!" Zarana added.
"The lions weren't stupid!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Having a bad lock that could be easily picked was stupid, but the lions were genius!"
"If by genius you mean stupid," Destro snapped. "Then yes, it was genius!"
"Hello?" The Baroness looked at them. "I have discovered something important here."
"I am not to blame for our situation!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"You are completely to blame for our situation here!" Destro shouted.
"And of course, you are ignoring me," The Baroness grumbled.
"Destro you're the one who sold those drugged-up candies!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And got the audience drunk!"
"AFTER YOU TOLD ME TO SELL THEM!" Destro shouted.
"OH SURE! USE THAT EXCUSE!" Cobra Commander shouted.
BRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTT!
"OWWW!" Everyone shouted as the Baroness made a shrill whistle.
"Gods woman!" Destro groaned.
"Just when I think the Baroness couldn't get any shriller," Zartan groaned.
"Is there something you want to contribute to this Conversation of the Damned?" Cobra Commander asked sarcastically.
"I think I just figured out why those villagers stopped chasing us," The Baroness remarked. "Look!"
"Just what the hell is so freaking important…?" Cobra Commander looked behind him and did a double take. "Holy crap!"
"I don't think there's anything holy about this place my Dear Cobra Commander," Destro winced.
"What the hell is that?" Zartan gasped as they walked closer to investigate.
"It's a new Sandals Resort, Zartan!" Cobra Commander said sarcastically. "What do you think it is?"
It was actually a huge Aztec type temple with carvings of monsters and people being eaten by monsters all over it. It was covered by plants and black flowers. There were stakes everywhere with skeletons and skulls impaled on them.
"Cor this place looks like Dracula's summer home," Zarana shuddered.
"Do you think this is the reason that the villagers…?" Xamot began.
"Stopped chasing us as soon as we entered the jungle?" Tomax finished.
"Either that or the damn mosquitoes," Destro swatted one that landed on him. "However, I believe that there is a high possibility the locals knew about this charming tourist destination."
"I wonder if there's gold in there?" Cobra Commander thought aloud.
"If there is there are probably a ton of booby traps," Destro warned. "That's assuming we can even enter the temple. It's probably sealed tight."
"Actually, that door looks open right over here," Zandar realized something.
"It's probably a trap," Destro grumbled. "No Aztec tomb would just leave the door wide open!"
"What makes you think it's a tomb?" The Baroness asked.
"Besides the décor?" Destro indicated the skeletons. "This place has more skeletons than my Uncle McDestro's closet."
"I'm guessing that's where he liked to store the bodies?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Until he could move them into the well outside the castle," Destro shrugged. "He also had several trysts in that closet with the staff."
"He liked to have a tussle with the maids huh?" Cobra Commander chuckled.
"Nope," Destro shook his head. "He had a mostly male staff."
"Oh," Cobra Commander said.
"Ironically the only member of my family that didn't impregnate the help back then," Destro shrugged. "But I digress…I don't like the looks of this place."
"Well I don't like the looks of your face," Zartan quipped. "But if there is a chance for treasure in there I'm willing to take it."
"As much as I hate to agree with the mercenary," The Baroness remarked. "He has a point. Plus, we are out in the open in need of shelter. It will get dark soon enough. And I don't want to be out here at night."
"We don't even know if this was a tomb," Zarana realized. "Maybe it was just the local human sacrifice spot?"
"Evidence does seem to support that theory," Zandar admitted.
"Oh yes," Destro said sarcastically. "That's much better than a tomb. Crystal Ball what do you know about this place?"
"What do I look like?" Crystal Ball snapped. "Google Maps? How would I know what this place is?"
"Well you are tied to the spirit world, aren't you?" Destro asked. "Maybe you can commune with the spirits here? I mean look at this place! Odds are there's at least one restless spirt here that's not exactly thrilled with how they passed on!"
"It's worth a shot," Crystal Ball admitted. "Okay let me concentrate." He closed his eyes. "Mam, mam, mam, mam, mam…."
"What the hell are you doing?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Trying to get in contact with any spirts here so I can get the 411 about this place!" Crystal Ball's eyes snapped open. "It's not like I have a cell phone you know?"
"I was just wondering!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Well if you want results I'm going to need you to lift me up a little higher," Crystal Ball told him. "I need better reception."
"Better reception?" The Baroness asked.
"Yes Polly the Parrot," Crystal Ball snapped. "Better reception. Just hold me over your head."
"Ugh, like this?" Cobra Commander did so.
"Good, a little further out…" Crystal Ball instructed. "Straight out, that's the way."
"Like this?" Cobra Commander asked as he moved into position.
"Yes, now let me concentrate…" Crystal Ball focused. "Mammm….Nammm…."
"This is ridiculous," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"Quiet," Tomax hissed.
"Let him do his thing!" Xamot added.
"Nammmmm…." Crystal Ball focused. "NANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABA! SITHI UHM IGNONYAMA! NAAAAAAAANTS…."
"Oh my God!" Zartan laughed. "He does look like that monkey from the Lion King!"
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander glared at Crystal Ball as the Cobras snickered. "Are you trying to make a monkey out of me?"
"Didn't have to try that hard!" Crystal Ball laughed.
"I'm going to shatter you into little pieces!" Cobra Commander lifted up the ball.
"GOOD!" Crystal Ball shouted.
"Commander!" Destro stopped him. "That's what he wants. Remember?"
"Aw man!" Crystal Ball grumbled. "Thanks a lot, you tin plated tattletale!"
"Look can you get anything or not?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Nope," Crystal Ball admitted. "Nothing at all. Just a sense of incredible evil and darkness and lack of hope. Then again that's how I always feel around you so…"
"So basically, you're nothing more than a talking paperweight!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And more useless than one!"
"I get cable," Crystal Ball told him.
"Fine," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Let's just go inside and look around."
"Sure, let's just wander around an ancient abandoned temple with a creepy atmosphere with no plan at all," Destro said sarcastically as they walked into the temple. "That works so well in horror movies!"
"Your love life is a horror movie," Zartan remarked.
"Excuse me?" The Baroness glared at Zartan.
"Starring the Bride of Bitch-En-Stein," Zartan added.
"Big talk from the Wolf Bitch of the Outback!" The Baroness snapped.
"Excuse me?" Zartan glared at The Baroness.
"There is no excuse for a sorry…" The Baroness began.
"Oh, I'll make you sorry!" Zartan growled.
"We already are!" Crystal Ball shouted. "Seriously people? Or whatever else you are."
"I know right?" Cobra Commander told him. "See what I have to put up with?"
"No wonder you drink," Crystal Ball remarked.
"That reminds me," Cobra Commander said. "If anyone sees any alcohol I have dibs!"
"I can't see anything in front of my bloody…" Zarana began. Then the lights turned on. "Face?"
Zandar had flipped a light switch. "I found a working switch," He explained.
"Just got the memo," Destro grumbled.
"Hey don't blame me for actually finding something useful!" Zandar snapped. "Not all of us can stand around and complain all day!"
"Yeah, that's Cobra Commander's job," Crystal Ball quipped.
"I am so going to use you as a bowling ball…" Cobra Commander glared at Crystal Ball. "Someone else take him before I throw him down the hall!"
"Not it," The Crimson Twins said as one.
"What are you five?" Zarana snapped. "And I'm not touching that thing!"
"That's what your last date said," Crystal Ball quipped. "Hey-O!"
"At least I can get a date, you overgrown aggie!" Zarana shouted.
"Just somebody take him!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I'll do it!" Zandar took Crystal Ball. "I mean all I did was turn on the lights and possibly the power."
"Yeah just milk it why don't you?" Zartan grumbled. "Hang on. Since when do ancient temples have electricity?"
"Is this one of our bases?" The Baroness asked as she looked around.
"I don't think so," Destro said. "There are no Cobra insignia. There's a picture of a bird on fire on that wall…That suspiciously looks like a turkey."
"That can't be a turkey," Zartan told him.
"I didn't say it was a turkey!" Destro snapped. "I said it looks like a turkey!"
"It does sort of look like a turkey," Xamot said.
"It doesn't look like a turkey," Tomax said.
"It kind of does," Xamot said.
"No, it doesn't!" Tomax said. "Since when are turkeys on fire?"
"There's a Dreadnok Thanksgiving joke in there somewhere," Zarana rolled her eyes. "Come on. Maybe we can find some transportation or something?"
"Here are some stairs," Zandar noticed something. "Leading to a basement of some kind. Maybe it's a hangar?"
"It's worth a shot," Destro said. "Anything to get out of this wretched jungle."
"To be fair we've been in worse jungles," Tomax said as they went downstairs.
"Like the one with the intelligent lizards that tried to kill us," Xamot added.
"That was technically Mindbender's fault," Cobra Commander told them.
"Maybe this is a vampire's lair?" Zarana asked.
"Well that's just stupid," Destro grumbled. "There are no such things as vampires."
"How can you of all people say that?" Zartan snapped. "With all the crazy things we've lived through and seen?"
"We've seen ghosts, monsters, mutants," Zarana added. "Ninjas. Cyborgs. Robots. Synthoids."
"Egyptian Gods," The Baroness added. "People from Atlantis!"
"An idiot from Cobra La," Crystal Ball added.
"A ghost in an actual crystal ball!" Zandar pointed to who he was carrying.
"Zombies," Zartan added. "Plant zombies."
"Giant mutant plants," The Baroness added.
"A mutant panda," Zarana added.
"I forgot all about the mutant panda," Tomax remarked.
"Me too," Xamot said. "I think there were some aliens in there somewhere."
"We even travelled back in time to Ancient Greece," The Baroness told them.
"That one is pretty bizarre even on the Rick and Morty Scale," Zartan added.
"I admit that we have seen some things that are on the side of the bizarre and supernatural," Destro snapped. "But there are no such things as vampires!"
"Oh yeah?" Zarana asked as she turned on a switch as they entered a huge room.
It looked like there had been a huge brawl in an ancient temple. A wrecked car covered with vines was on the side halfway through a wall it had broken through. Several strange looking darts were imbedded everywhere. And on the temple's altar was a skeleton wearing some evening clothes with a stake through where it's heart should have been.
"Still don't think there are such things as vampires huh?" Zartan asked Destro sarcastically.
"Circumstantial evidence," Destro said.
"There's a bloody skeleton with a bloody stake through it's bloody heart!" Zarana pointed.
"Technically a stake can kill pretty much everyone except the Hulk," Destro told them. "And this fight looks like it was a while ago. There are more skeletons over there."
"Wearing…" Crystal Ball did a double take. "Is it just me or do those look like lame ass butterfly costumes?"
"That does seem familiar," Destro admitted. "Let's look around and see if we can find anything."
"Anything besides a dead vampire and bunch of skeletons?" Zartan asked.
"YES!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Something useful for a change would be nice!"
"Considering the circumstances, we're doing the best we can," Zandar told him. "Besides what kind of vampire has a car?"
"What makes you think vampires can't own cars?" Zarana asked.
"Maybe whoever killed him drove it?" Destro shrugged. "If he was a vampire. More likely another so called supervillain with a flair for the dramatic."
"It's destroyed anyway so the point is moot," Zartan said.
"Well maybe the vampire or whoever he was owns more cars?" The Baroness asked. "There has to be a garage here somewhere logically…"
"We're talking about vampires owning cars and being supervillains," Destro snapped. "There's no logic to this conversation whatsoever."
"Aren't we supervillains?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Technically we're terrorists," Destro told him.
"That wear masks and costumes," Crystal Ball added. "That have used machines like the Weather Dominator. Or giant plants to attack cities. I mean come on! Basically, we're a low budget Legion of Doom here."
"Being a supervillain would up our reputation," The Baroness considered.
"Are you people insane?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Stupid question! But come on! Becoming supervillains? That's a disaster waiting to happen!"
"What do you mean?" Zartan asked. "What's wrong with us being supervillains?"
"You do remember that supervillains are usually attacked by superheroes, right?" Destro snapped.
"We have enough problems with GI Bloody Joe," Zarana groaned. "A group of superheroes would demolish us!"
"A group?" Crystal Ball asked. "A couple of half powered sidekicks could wipe us out!"
"We can barely handle the Dreadnoks on a sugar buzz," Zandar groaned.
"So being a supervillain group, while fun to imagine," Cobra Commander snapped. "Is a bad idea! At least at this time."
Crystal Ball quipped. "You mean because you have no army, no money, no base, no weapons, no transportation, half your staff is gone and you were just chased out of the circus business by a bunch of angry half-drunk villagers and some man-eating lions?"
"It's a shame you're dead," Cobra Commander snarled. "I won't get the pleasure of killing you!"
"Let's face it," Destro sighed as he looked around. "On a scale of one to ten our current status in the terrorist community is barely a four."
"You think this group actually ranks a four?" Crystal Ball quipped.
"Well we did burn down an entire circus," Tomax said. "Poisoned and murdered several people."
"Blew up several restaurants," Xamot added. "And are blamed for killing a cop."
"Even though we weren't responsible," Tomax added. "Unless you count cholesterol."
"And the idiot Dreadnoks just got involved in the murder of not one but two business moguls," The Baroness added. "And stole a yacht so…Yeah. Four sounds about right."
"Why not a five?" Zarana asked. "That's still a lot of damage we did."
"Because most of that damage was accidental," The Baroness explained. "Or just dumb luck. Like the cop dying on us. I mean if we planned to poison him that would be a different story…"
"Okay yeah, I get it now," Zarana admitted. "Four does sound just about right."
"You people are zero help!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Keep looking!"
"I wonder whatever happened to Zero?" Zartan wondered aloud. "And Vapor?"
"Who the hell cares?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Well I'd like to think those idiots are dead in a ditch somewhere," Zartan said. "Or captured."
"Or struck with an incurable disease that rendered their vocal cords inoperable," The Baroness added. "That is a relaxing exercise."
"Yes, I do it often myself about you lot!" Cobra Commander snapped. He looked at the skeleton. "Can you believe this?"
"I found something," Zandar said.
"What? Gold? Jewels?" Cobra Commander asked. "A knife so I can cut someone's throat?"
"No, another one of those turkey symbols," Zandar pointed to the wall.
"That's not a turkey!" Zartan snapped.
"It does look like a turkey," Xamot said.
"Turkeys are not usually on fire!" Tomax snapped at his brother.
"You have obviously never been to a Dreadnok barbecue," Zarana quipped. "I'm sorry, but it does look like a bloody turkey."
"Who cares what the hell it is?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"It's not a turkey!" Zartan snapped.
"It looks like a turkey!" Zandar snapped.
"It does not!" Zartan snapped.
"Apparently everyone with less than a handful of brain cells," Cobra Commander grumbled.
"It has a waddle," Zarana pointed.
"That's not a waddle," The Baroness said.
"It looks like a waddle," Xamot said.
"It looks like someone without talent drew that," Crystal Ball remarked. "That's supposed to be a flame."
"I don't think so," Destro looked at the picture. "That's definitely a waddle."
"How can you say that it's a waddle?" The Baroness snapped. "I wear glasses and even I can tell that's probably a flame."
"What would a living turkey be doing with a flame?" Xamot snapped.
"Again, Dreadnok Thanksgiving," Zarana quipped.
Cobra Commander looked at the skeleton. "Let me guess, you did this to yourself so you wouldn't have to hear your subordinates incessant prattling! Can't say I blame you."
"I'm sorry but that is not a waddle," The Baroness said.
"It is to a bloody waddle," Zarana snapped.
"You're gonna get a bloody nose if you keep this up!" Zartan snapped.
"Don't threaten her because she can see better than you!" Zandar snapped.
"It's not a turkey!" Tomax shouted.
"Yes, it is!" Xamot shouted.
"That's it!" Cobra Commander grabbed the stake from the skeleton and pulled it out. He pointed it at the Cobras. "I've had it with you turkeys! I was better off with the lions!"
"Cobra Commander now is not the time to…" Destro did a double take. "Oh bloody hell…"
"Yeah! Bloody hell!" Cobra Commander held the stake. "I'm going to go Van Helsing on your…"
"Not you!" Destro pointed behind Cobra Commander. "THAT!"
"What?" Cobra Commander did a double take as the skeleton stood up and started to move on its own. "Oh that…"
The skeleton began to transform. Soon the clothes were filled with a body of a handsome man with a thin black mustache and long black hair in a ponytail. He opened up his mouth and a pair of fangs popped out.
"Okay," Destro paused. "Maybe there are such things as vampires?"
"Told you!" Zartan snapped.
"Aahhhh!" The vampire gasped as he stretched out his arms. "VIVO DE NUEVO!"
"Cor blimey," Zarana gasped. "It's like one of those B horror movies come to life!"
"Who the hell are you?" Cobra Commander gasped. "Are you Dracula?"
"Yeah I'm Dracula," The vampire looked at him speaking with a Mexican accent. "Dracula's not from Transylvania. He's from Mexico. And he looks exactly like Ramon Novarro with a ponytail. OF COURSE, I'M NOT THE REAL DRACULA IDIOT!"
"Just asking," Cobra Commander winced. "Well then who the hell are you?"
"I am Ignazio Tlaiques De La Solumbra," The vampire said. "Also known as Pico De La Muerte. You can call me Ignazio for short. I mean you did technically bring me back to the un-life so…"
"Never heard of you," Cobra Commander said.
"I've been around since the days of the Mayans and the Aztecs," Ignazio said. "I am the guardian and judge of the Nahuatl Indians! The Terror of the Mexican Night!"
"Again, never heard of you," Cobra Commander said.
"I'm the one who for centuries counseled chiefs and holy ones!" Ignazio went on. "Rulers trembled before my presence. Priestesses wept at my feet!"
"Not ringing a bell," Cobra Commander said.
"I'm the one who told Montezuma that trusting the Spaniards was a bad idea!" Ignazio snapped. "But did that idiot listen to me? Noooo!"
"Seriously," Cobra Commander said. "No clue who you are whatsoever."
"That's not that much different than your usual state," Destro said dryly.
"Hang on," Ignazio looked at Cobra Commander. "You're from Cobra La!"
"How did you know that?" Cobra Commander gasped.
"Vampire!" Ignazio made a motion with his hands. "Enhanced senses? Remember?"
"No, I mean," Cobra Commander remarked. "How do you know that Cobra La exists?"
"I used to vacation there back in the Dark Ages," Ignazio said. "I had this time share on the East Bank of Bones and Despair."
"Really?" Cobra Commander asked. "My family owned some time shares in that area. On the Street of The Warrior of Virtue."
"Right across from that café that sold the sea snail pastries?" Ignazio asked.
"Slytherin's!" Cobra Commander spoke up. "My great grandfather on my mother's side owned that place! Until he had to burn it down for insurance money! Shame. We used to go there every Day of the Seventh Sun for snake egg creams and candied eel tongue. God, I loved those candied eel tongues!"
"Yeah you really can't get good candied eel tongue anymore," Ignazio nodded. "I have a recipe for it but who has the time?"
"I know! Right?" Cobra Commander said.
"Well I used to stay in this charming little house crab," Ignazio went on. "With a red and white spiral shell…"
"Which used to like shoving the other house crabs next door?" Cobra Commander asked. "Until his left claw got torn out by a bigger lobster mansion that moved on the street?"
"You know about Bubbie?" Ignazio asked.
"My family owned Bubbie!" Cobra Commander said. "Hell! We lived in him and moved him to the Lake of Lost Souls every summer holiday! Until that incident when he tried to get back with that lobster mansion that took his left claw."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," Ignazio said.
"It's all right," Cobra Commander waved. "My family had Death by Crustacean Insurance. And Bubbie made a great meal for one of our family reunions. And some good leftovers."
"Bubbie?" Destro blinked.
"That's right! I remember now!" Cobra Commander said. "That was during the time Cobra La was open to non-human species. And you were living in one of our crabs! What a small world!"
"Freaking microscopic," Zartan groaned.
"Bubbie?" Destro asked. "The house crab?"
"With one claw," The Baroness remarked.
"Wow what a small world," Cobra Commander shook his head as he dropped the stake.
"What are the odds that I be brought back to life by a relative of one whose house crab I used to vacation in?" Ignazio asked.
"Literally almost none," Crystal Ball groaned. "So, everybody's okay with the skeleton just coming back to life and turning out to be a vampire?"
"Is the ghost living in a crystal ball making a comment?" The Baroness looked at him.
"No," Crystal Ball shrugged. "Just want to make sure we're all on the same page here."
"So how did this happen to you?" Destro motioned. "How did you end up dead?"
"I tangled with an idiot incompetent scientist," Ignazio grumbled. "His two twin idiot sons and his psychotic bodyguard! And their arch enemy, a maniac in a butterfly costume! He's the one who accidentally stabbed me!"
"I know that guy!" Cobra Commander realized. "He is a jerk!"
"Uh Commander?" Tomax realized something.
"Can we have a word?" Xamot also realized something.
"About what?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Spit it out!"
"Well…" Xamot looked nervously.
"Not to be impolite," Tomax added.
"But he is a vampire," Xamot pointed to Ignazio.
"And he just woke up from being dead," Tomax finished.
"So?" Cobra Commander asked.
"He might be…" Xamot paused.
"Slightly peckish?" Tomax winced.
"They have a point," Zartan realized. "In the movies the vampire always eats the first person he comes across after taking a long dirt nap."
"There are hundreds of different species of vampires," Ignazio glared at him. "And we don't all follow the same stupid rules you see in the movies. I don't need to drink human blood exclusively."
"Lucky for you guys," Crystal Ball quipped.
"Yeah but if you really need a pick me up," Cobra Commander made a motion to the others. "Plenty of stock to choose from."
"WHAT?" Zarana shouted.
"OH, HELL NO!" Zandar snapped.
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?" Destro shouted.
"YOU FIRST!" The Baroness shouted.
Crystal Ball shrugged. "I'm good. No problems here."
"SHUT UP YOU CRYSTAL CLOD!" Zartan glared at Crystal Ball.
"No offense," Ignazio glared at them. "But I think I'll stick with my stash for now!"
"Your stash?" Destro asked as Ignazio moved past them.
Ignazio made a whistle. Several large lizards emerged from holes. "Nothing like a Mexican Iguana to perk you up after a long trip to the afterlife," Ignazio picked one up and sank his fangs into the lizard.
"He prefers reptile blood to human?" The Baroness was stunned as Ignazio drank the lizard dry.
"I would only call you idiots human by technicality," Cobra Commander. "But yeah, you're safe."
"You Commander," Destro remarked. "Might have a problem."
"Eep!" Cobra Commander gulped.
"What kind of a savage do you think I am?" Ignazio threw away the dead lizard. "You're the one who released me from the netherworld. Good manners dictate that I don't do that!"
"Phew," Cobra Commander breathed a sigh of relief.
"Plus, Cobra La people taste awful! Bleah!" Ignazio groaned.
"They taste worse than that?" Zartan pointed to the dead lizard.
"This is a delicacy compared to what he tastes like," Ignazio told him. "And now that I think about it, the way you lot smell I'm not exactly tempted to take a bite out of you. It smells like you idiots came from a circus. After spending a few days wandering around a sewer. And before that you spent a few more days in a fast food fried chicken shack!"
"Actually…" Zandar began.
"Shut up!" Tomax and Xamot snapped.
"Besides I have bigger concerns right now! I must go out into the world and get revenge on those who wronged me!" Ignazio growled. "The idiots who wrecked my temple and stabbed me obviously are at the top of the list."
"Obviously," Cobra Commander nodded.
"Plus, some of the heads of the local cartels," Ignazio added. "Those peasants in the village next to my jungle."
"No problems with that one," Cobra Commander said. "Go for it."
"To be fair there are fewer of them now," Destro told Ignazio.
"My barber," Ignazio added.
"Why would you go after your barber?" Zartan asked.
"Yeah you look pretty well groomed for a former dead guy," Zarana added.
"He's the idiot who told the butterfly moron where I lived!" Ignazio snapped.
"That makes sense," Cobra Commander admitted.
"My mechanic," Ignazio looked at the destroyed car. "Who not only overcharged me he assured me that my car would never get broken into! HA!"
"You do have a case there," Destro admitted looking at the wreckage.
"My broker who has probably taken half of my money by now," Ignazio counted. "Everyone who works at his firm to teach them a lesson. My ex-girlfriend who dumped me. My other ex-girlfriend who dumped me and ran off with my lawyer. My lawyer. My ex-girlfriend's lawyers. My ex-wife and her lawyer. Their law firms just to teach them a lesson. My old enemies at the Vampire Hunting Guild, Mexico Division. My other old enemies at the other Guild. The DMV that wouldn't renew my license…"
"What are you gonna do mate?" Zarana asked. "Kill half of Mexico?"
"I have a lot of people I need to get revenge on!" Ignazio snapped.
"And I can help you," Cobra Commander said. "If you join Cobra!"
"You want a vampire to join Cobra?" Destro shouted. "Are you out of your mind?"
"What are you racist?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Stupid question," Zartan said.
"Destro being racist?" Tomax asked.
"Or Cobra Commander being out of his mind?" Xamot asked.
"Pick one," Zartan quipped. "What good would it do to have a vampire on Cobra?"
"Extra muscle for one thing," Cobra Commander said. "And he's a vampire! Our street cred alone will skyrocket when word gets out Cobra has an actual vampire in it's ranks!"
"I have been meaning to get back into the supervillain game," Ignazio realized.
"Technically we're terrorists," Destro explained. "We're Cobra."
"I've heard of you," Ignazio said. "You guys are still around?"
"Barely," The Baroness groaned.
"Well I have to start somewhere," Ignazio shrugged. "Might as well start small to get back into the game."
"HEY!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Cobra was great once! And we can be great again! We just need the right tools to take over the world!"
"As well as an army," Crystal Ball added. "A base. Some real weapons…Money…"
"This jungle is filled with booby traps," Ignazio explained. "I can guide you out of the jungle with no problems. Once night falls of course."
"And you're willing to just join Cobra like that?" The Baroness asked.
"I'm immortal," Ignazio said. "Other than my revenge list, I've got nothing better to do at the moment. As soon as it gets dark we can leave."
"Why do we have to wait until…?" Cobra Commander began. "Oh right, the whole bursting into flame when sunlight hits you thing."
"We don't all burst into flame when sunlight hits us," Ignazio snapped. "Well technically in my case I can. But if I get hit by sunlight I change out of my human form and are trapped in my other form until night."
"Other form?" The Baroness asked. "What other form?"
"It's not important," Ignazio waved. "Just keep me out of the sunlight."
"I know how you feel," Zartan said. "I used to have a similar problem until Mindbender fixed it."
"So, what do we do while we wait?" Tomax asked.
"Are you going to just take a nap in your coffin or…?" Xamot asked.
"I don't use a coffin!" Ignazio groaned. "Again! Not a European vampire! Seriously! Plus, that's just creepy."
"So, you use a bed?" Destro asked.
"Yes, I use a bed!" Ignazio snapped. "Again, that's racist Hollywood propaganda!"
"Or just Destro being racist," Crystal Ball quipped.
Ignazio looked at Crystal Ball. "How did you get a ghost in a marble?"
"Long story," Cobra Commander groaned. "Let's just say there was a time I was desperate to take anyone in."
"Newsflash," Crystal Ball said. "It's still that time! In fact, that clock has been broken for years!"
"I swear to the Serpent Gods one day I will break you!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Release me from my prison? PLEASE!" Crystal Ball shouted.
"Just ignore him," The Baroness said to Ignazio.
"Cobra Commander or the marble?" Ignazio asked.
"Pick one," The Baroness said. "I'm The Baroness by the way."
"Enchante," Ignazio bowed.
"Oh brother," Destro rolled his eyes.
"That's Zartan, twin twits brother and sister Zandar and Zarana," Cobra Commander introduced. "The other twin twits Xamot and Tomax. And Destro. There. We're all introduced. Any gold around here or…?"
"No, that was taken by my ex-wife in the divorce," Ignazio grumbled. "But there is a tunnel to the next town on the other side of the jungle we can use. Come with me."
"Sure, follow a blood drinking vampire into his lair," Crystal Ball said cheerfully. "This will be fun!"
"That thing is getting old already," Ignazio grumbled as they went down a corridor.
"Tell me about it," Cobra Commander.
"You should sell it online," Ignazio said.
"Tried it," Cobra Commander sighed. "He came back."
"Well that does happen with defective merchandise," Ignazio said.
"You know…?" Crystal Ball snapped.
"Just follow me and I'm sure…" Ignazio turned a corner. "Oh mierda…"
FOOOM!
"What the hell?" Cobra Commander shouted. There had been a stray beam of sunlight through a hole in the wall. It had hit Ignazio. Turning him into a large red and black tom turkey.
"Well this is just embarrassing," Ignazio groaned.
"Who's defective now?" Crystal Ball laughed.
"Still better than being a medieval television set!" Ignazio shouted.
"You turn into a turkey?" Destro was stunned.
"Or a ball of flame!" Ignazio snapped. "But yeah this is my main other form."
"Is that why your nickname is Death Beak?" Crystal Ball asked.
"You are not calling me Death Beak!" Ignazio snapped.
"That's what your other name means!" Crystal Ball snapped. "Literally!"
"I'M NOT GOING BY DEATH BEAK!" Ignazio flapped his wings and glared at Crystal Ball. "Especially because some giant marble says so!"
"Who are you calling a marble, you turkey?" Crystal Ball snapped.
"Oh, dear God," The Baroness groaned.
"Told you it was a bloody waddle," Zarana said to her.
"Ha! Ha! Ha!" Crystal Ball laughed. "Here birdie!"
"I'm going to peck you into oblivion!" Ignazio snarled as he flapped his wings.
"BRING IT ON!" Crystal Ball shouted.
"God why I can't I find anyone normal?" Cobra Commander moaned.
"I take that to be a rhetorical question?" Destro remarked.
"I am not going to be called Death Beak!" Ignazio snarled.
"You already are!" Crystal Ball snapped.
"Fine," Cobra Commander waved. "We'll call you Blood Wing! How about that?"
"Blood Wing," The vampire turkey mused. "I like it. From now on, that is the name I shall go by! Blood Wing!"
"Want some hot sauce for that wing?" Crystal Ball quipped.
"I will peck you until next millennium!" Blood Wing snarled.
"ENOUGH!" Cobra Commander snapped. "From now on Blood Wing is one of us! Got it?"
"Commander are you sure this is wise?" Destro asked. "I mean…A vampire is one thing but a turkey vampire? As a member of Cobra? Really? A turkey vampire?"
"I've been surrounded by turkeys for years!" Cobra Commander snapped. "One more won't make any difference!"