And now more madness in the life of Cobra…

Cobra Commander grumbled as he came out. "Doesn't this guy have anything better to do than to torture us?"

"Apparently not," Destro sighed. "And he's a woman."

Cobra Commander did a double take. "We're being tortured by a chick?"

"That explains a lot," Zartan groaned.

Once Upon A Time In Mexico

"Finally, it's night again," Blood Wing sighed as he opened the door out of the secret tunnel. He was back in his human form. They appeared to emerge into a slightly run-down hotel bar. "Ah here we are. The Iguana Azul Hotel. One of my favorite properties."

"You have a tunnel to a hotel?" Destro asked.

"I've lived in Mexico for literally thousands of years," Blood Wing explained. "I have tunnels and secret hideouts all over the country."

"You dug tunnels for thousands of years?" The Baroness asked.

"Not me personally," Blood Wing said. "I hired a really good contractor. Well technically several generations of good contractors. I actually miss some of those guys. Especially Sanfordoxl and Sons. Those guys were a riot!"

They entered a tropical bar type room. It looked old and worn and half dusty. "Oh good you found the alcohol," Cobra Commander said as he made his way to the bar. "Blood Wing I'm already liking this team up!"

"It's kind of a dump," Zarana looked around.

"I admit this place has seen better days," Blood Wing remarked. "What year is it again?"

"The year my sobriety finally surrendered," Cobra Commander said as he grabbed some bottles. The hole in his mask opened up. "Bottoms up!" He drank through the mask.

"Cobra Commander," Destro remarked. "Have you ever considered that you have a drug and alcohol problem?"

"No Destro," Cobra Commander gave him a look. "I have an idiot problem. I use drugs and alcohol to manage my problem! It works wonders!"

"Does it?" Destro asked.

"You lot are still alive, aren't you?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Can't fault that logic," Zartan admitted. "Might as well have a drink."

The Cobras started to settle in and pour themselves some glasses. "Don't bother offering me anything," Crystal Ball grumbled as he was placed on the bar table.

"You're a ghost! You don't drink!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Plus, you're in a crystal ball. We couldn't give you a drink if we wanted to. Spoiler alert: We don't want to."

"Unless we have a rather large drill," Blood Wing remarked as he took a drink. "How are you not rolling off?"

"I have pretty good traction on this thing," Crystal Ball shrugged. "Still would like to be offered a drink."

"Crystal Ball you need a drink like a Comedy network needs a female writer," Destro grumbled.

"Just what does that mean?" The Baroness whirled on him.

"I'm just saying women aren't funny," Destro shrugged. "From a male perspective of course. If a woman was writing for women that would be different."

"That's not true," The Baroness looked at him. "Only some women aren't funny. Like only some men are good in bed!"

"Is that crack supposed to be amusing?" Destro snapped.

Zartan snickered. "Actually, it is!"

"Shut up!" Destro snapped.

"I dunno," Zandar snickered. "I think that's pretty funny."

"Speaking of funny," Zartan heard some familiar voices. "Oh God no…"

Just then the Dreadnoks walked into the bar. "I told you there was a bar here," Torch said. "Hey! Look who it is!"

"Wow, small world," Ripper blinked.

"Freaking microscopic," Cobra Commander groaned.

"What the hell are you idiots doing here?" Destro asked.

"Funny story…" Tiffany paused. "We ran into a few tiny hiccups."

"I take it one of those is when you accidentally got your new boss killed?" Zartan gave her a look.

"Yeah how did you know?" Torch asked.

"We saw it on the evening news!" The Baroness snapped.

"Yeah after that things kind of went downhill," Monkeywrench scratched his head. "We kind of lost our sweet yacht ride when we landed in Mexico."

"And by landed you mean…?" Zartan sighed.

"Crashed into a pier," Buzzer admitted. "And we kind of killed a guy on a boat."

"Who turned out to be the leader of some drug cartel," Tiffany added. "And his widow did not take the news well."

FLASHBACK!

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Torch shouted as he used his flamethrower during a firefight in the street. He burned several people who were shooting at him.

"GO! GO! GO!" Tiffany yelled as she used her rifle to shoot a few more people and cleared a path. "THIS WAY!"

"I FOUND SOME BIKES!" Buzzer shouted as he indicated some motorcycles. "And got the keys off the blokes I knocked out!"

"DREADNOKS!" Tiffany yelled as the Dreadnoks grabbed the motorcycles. "LET'S RIDE!"

"Problem!" Ripper shouted as he noticed a blockade on the streets. "What do we do?"

"Make ourselves an exit!" Tiffany shouted. "This way!"

CRASH!

The Dreadnoks drove through a house. Through the front door, through the living room, past the dining room and out the back door.

"WHOOO HOO!" Monkeywrench whooped as they burst through a backyard and rode on.

"Damn it!" A beautiful dark-haired woman in a black dress looked through her telescope at the damage in the distance. "They got away! And they trashed one of my rental properties! Do you know how much that is going to cost me to fix that up?"

"Not to mention Ramada," A man standing next to her said in Spanish. "They murdered your husband with their damn yacht."

"Well at least I can get rid of those damn lions," Ramada grumbled. "Just have to find an idiot stupid enough to buy them."

FLASHFORWARD!

"We've been driving around Mexico these past few days," Torch explained. "And we ended up here. So, what have you guys been up to?"

"Nothing much," Destro and The Baroness said as one.

"But enough about Destro and the Baroness' love life," Zarana added.

"That is funny!" Zartan snickered. "Again, Destro is wrong!"

"Wrong about what?" Tiffany asked.

"Pick a topic," The Baroness quipped.

"A stupid argument about how women aren't funny," Zarana explained.

"That is stupid," Torch said.

"And we're talking an expert opinion here," Tiffany pointed to Torch.

"Anyone who doesn't think broads are funny…Two words," Torch held up two fingers. "Mama's Family. Every time Vicki Lawrence opened up her mouth I just roll on the floor!"

"And not just because the treats are there," Buzzer added.

"Carol Burnett is timeless," Tiffany said. "Her show still makes me laugh."

"Don't forget the Golden Girls," Buzzer added.

"How could anybody forget the Golden Girls?" Monkeywrench asked.

"Don't forget Gilda Radner," Blood Wing added.

"Oh yeah Gilda Radner was the best…" Torch then did a double take. "Who the hell is this?"

"Blood Wing," Cobra Commander said. "Mexican vampire that just joined us. Turns into a turkey when hit by sunlight."

"Seriously?" Torch asked. "I thought vampires exploded or got turned to ash in the sun?"

"Not all of us do," Blood Wing snapped. "That's the European Vampires. Mexican vampires are a little more durable."

"We found your skeleton with a stake through your heart," Zandar told him.

"A stake is still a stake!" Blood Wing snapped. "It can kill a human being too! Doesn't matter to the stake!"

"Steak? Did I hear steak?" Mindbender walked into the bar. "I could go for steak."

"Not that kind of steak Mind…" Zarana did a double take. "What the hell…?"

"Hello!" Mindbender waved. "Fancy running into you lot again."

"What is this?" Crystal Ball groaned. "A freaking reunion?"

"What are you doing here?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Last we heard you and your new girlfriend were headed for Costa Rica!" The Baroness said.

"Funny story…" Mindbender paused. "We ran into a few tiny hiccups."

"Oh, this should be good," Zarana quipped.

"Edith and I were going to Costa Rica," Mindbender said. "We decided to stop off in this town to get a few things when we ran into a little problem."

"The border patrol?" The Baroness guessed.

"Her ex-boyfriend," Mindbender sighed. "Long story short they rekindled their romance and ran off with most of our money! Good thing I stuffed several hundreds in my boots!"

"So, she dumped you and left you with nothing?" Zartan asked.

"Not exactly," Mindbender shrugged.

"Hey Uncle M!" A tall lanky teen with sandy red hair wearing a red t-shirt, jeans and sneakers walked in with a box. "Where do you want these beakers?"

"In the back Scott," Mindbender said. "Everyone meet Scott. Scott this is Cobra. I told you about them."

"Who the hell is he?" Zarana blinked.

"That's Scott," Mindbender said. "Edith's son. And the son of the boyfriend she ran off with."

"Sup," Scott nodded.

"Hang on here," Destro blinked. "Your girlfriend left you but her son stayed?"

"Willingly?" Zarana asked.

"Why?" Zandar asked.

"Honestly out of all of the guys my Mom's hooked up with over the years he's the best of the lot," Scott shrugged. "And he's been teaching me cool science stuff!"

"Scott's actually a good assistant," Mindbender shrugged. "He has real promise in the mad scientist field."

"Not even my dad ever said I had promise!" Scott said. "We decided to make the best of things. I've actually learned a lot these past few days."

"We even played catch!" Mindbender grinned.

"He really wanted to," Scott shrugged. "I didn't have the heart to tell him no."

"Who exactly sees who as a father figure here?" Blood Wing asked.

"Who the hell is he?" Mindbender pointed.

"Blood Wing," Destro explained. "A Mexican vampire that turns into a turkey when hit by sunlight."

"You mean he's a Tlaiques?" Scott asked. "One of many species of Mexican Vampires with very different powers than European Vampires. But still have the same vulnerability to stakes."

"That's right," Blood Wing was impressed. "How did you know that?"

"I've been studying vampires and all kinds of monsters for years," Scott said. "That's another thing me and Uncle M have in common. Tlaiques are actually very powerful vampires."

"See?" Blood Wing pointed. "He knows!"

"So, this really is a reunion?" Torch said. "The gang's all together again!"

"Wonderful," Destro groaned. "Now I really do need a drink!"

"So, let's recap what I have for a terrorist organization," Cobra Commander sighed. "A metal headed maniac as a second in command. Who has an on again off again love affair with a stuck up ex-royal prima donna. A bunch of Australian biker mercenaries that make the Sons of Anarchy look like a church choir. A transsexual with a multiple personality disorder. The Corsican Twits. A vampire turkey. A ghost in a crystal ball that can only see into the weekend's television lineup. And a mad scientist with a teenage intern."

Cobra Commander paused. "I can work with this."