Snakebite Cola: The Soda With Bite

"Two questions," Destro said to Cobra Commander in the basement of the hotel. "Question One: Is this what you've been doing the past five days while the Baroness and I were looking for transportation to get us out of the country?"

In the basement was some kind of makeshift bottling line. Where some shoddily made robots were working on an assembly line bottling and making some kind of green liquid. "Technically Mindbender set it up," Cobra Commander said. "With some robots he and Scott put together. And a little help from the Dreadnoks in distribution."

"I see," Destro nodded. "Question Two. What the hell are they bottling?"

"I'm glad you asked Destro," Cobra Commander said. "They are making the perfect tool Cobra will use to rise again to greatness! They are bottling soda!"

"Soda?" Destro did a double take.

"Not just any soda," Cobra Commander grinned. "Snakebite Cola! The soda with bite!"

"Didn't we already try this scheme?" Destro realized. "With the exact same name?"

"Yes, in the 90's," Cobra Commander nodded. "Don't worry. Retro is totally in now! We'll make a fortune once it hits the states. Especially with our secret ingredient."

"You put in one of those mind control drugs, didn't you?" Destro sighed.

"Technically it's some kind of leaf," Cobra Commander shrugged. "I don't know the name of it. Mindbender grew it. It's totally organic…"

"Commander…" Destro groaned rolling his eyes.

Cobra Commander snapped. "Hey if that bar in Philadelphia can produce a soda that's the number one choice of Boca Haram, we can produce the best damn soda for Mexico's drug cartels!"

"We're openly selling to drug cartels?" Destro snapped.

"There's a market for it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Don't blame me! Blame the laws of supply and demand. And with our little secret ingredient supplying an incentive…"

"We can demand the cartels obey us," Destro paused. "I can't believe I'm saying it, but your idea has merit."

"We get control over the cartels. We get an army," Cobra Commander grinned. "Not to mention the actual Mexican army. I had the Dreadnoks sneak onto a nearby military base and deposit a few vending machines with our product."

"I must admit my dear Cobra Commander," Destro said. "This is a good plan. I just have this nagging feeling you are overlooking something."

"When do you not?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Pretty judgmental for a guy who took five days to find a damn airplane!"

"Considering the budget, you gave us which was practically nonexistent," Destro glared at him. "You're lucky we found a plane at all!"

"Let me guess," Cobra Commander sighed. "You stole a plane then you spent the rest of the time shacked up in a different hotel going at it like rabbits, didn't you?"

"No," Destro said. "We spent four and a half days at the hotel first. Then we stole the plane."

"That's why I gave you a limited budget," Cobra Commander remarked.

"Actually, our latest dalliance didn't last as long as the budget," Destro admitted. "I don't want to bother you with the details."

"Please don't."

"But spoiler alert," Destro went on. "The Baroness is a crazy entitled self-centered lunatic!"

"One, Duh!" Cobra Commander looked at him. "And Two: I said not to tell me!"

"Here's what happened," Destro began.

"He tells me anyway," Cobra Commander groaned.

"Things were going well until I got a call from Alexander," Destro paused. "My son."

"The one you had with that Jamaican woman during one of the many breaks between you and the Baroness," Cobra Commander guessed. "Wait, didn't he try to kill me and take over Cobra once?"

"Like he was the only person who did so?" Destro looked at him.

"True," Cobra Commander admitted. "Continue."

"Anyway a few years ago I signed away most of my legitimate business to him for mostly tax reasons," Destro said. "And practical ones."

"I understand," Cobra Commander shrugged. "It is difficult to run a multi-national corporation when you're hunted all over the world on charges of mass terrorism. Wait I thought he hated you and you disowned him or…?"

"Oh that," Destro waved. "We made up. Anyway, he's been running the business and doing very well. And I kept his number so we could stay in contact a couple times a year. I have to admit. It makes our relationship work."

"Better than the one I have with my son," Cobra Commander admitted.

"Anyway, he called and we talked for about twenty minutes," Destro paused. "Just catching up. By the way, the whole circus incident made the international news."

"That should help our street cred."

"It's amazing the comments people make when they think you sic man eating lions on them on purpose," Destro said dryly. "Anyway, after I get off the phone, that's when the Baroness started laying into me."

"About what?"

"It started off with one of our famous 'Where is this Relationship Going' talks," Destro groaned. "And then it devolved into The Womb Review. Or more accurately, why we haven't had children by now. Or more specifically, why do I have a fear of commitment to have a child with her?"

"Wait I thought you two decided you were better off without children?" Cobra Commander did a double take.

"So did I!" Destro said. "I reminded her about that horrible experience in Australia. With those insane brats we had to babysit for about a month. Then I told her I already had two children. Why would I want another?"

"Two children?" Cobra Commander did a double take. "There's another one out there we don't know about?"

"That's exactly what the Baroness said," Destro groaned. "Admittedly that was a tactical blunder on my part."

"Okay I have got to hear this one," Cobra Commander was interested now. "What did you do? Or more accurately whom did you do?"

Destro paused. "Do you remember Robert Harper? The mayoral candidate we backed but that backfired on us big time?"

"Vaguely."

"One of his bankrollers was a business woman named Veronica DeNatale," Destro sighed. "The Twins introduced her to me because she was looking to shall we say, expand her capital on a not necessarily completely legal operation."

"She was looking to sink her claws into the arms business," Cobra Commander guessed. "And then she got her claws into you."

"It was a brief but profitable affair," Destro admitted. "More so for her. And not just financially. About five years later when we met at a convention. I sort of did a background check on her and learned she had a four-and-a-half-year-old daughter. With red hair."

"I take it she confirmed you were the baby daddy?" Cobra Commander asked.

"She did," Destro groaned.

"And she wanted you to own up to your responsibilities," Cobra Commander added. "As in paying up."

"Actually no," Destro sighed. "She was a very modern woman and wealthy who believed in taking care of her child and not relying on a man to pay her way. And she intended to teach her daughter that same independence."

"So, you got away without paying?"

"Not exactly," Destro sighed. "I insisted that I should own up to my part. She allowed me to pay for her private schooling."

"Oh Destro…" Cobra Commander groaned.

"And then her college tuition to Harvard," Destro added.

"Oh Destro…" Cobra Commander groaned again.

"And when I met my daughter those few times I may have bought her a few little items," Destro paused. "Like a new car…"

"Oh God Destro…" Cobra Commander groaned. "Wait does she know…?"

"I never visited her with my mask on," Destro told him. "She knows my name is James McCullen but she has no idea of our family history. She's currently working at her mother's company and is doing very well. She has no idea her father's criminal history and her mother and I agreed that was for the best."

"Boy Destro you sure can pick them," Cobra Commander chuckled. "Hang on. That whole mayor incident. You were still dating the Baroness during that period."

"You're not the only one who came to that conclusion," Destro groaned. "The Baroness figured that out. A lot faster than you did."

"And now I see the problem," Cobra Commander groaned. "Why should the Baroness care about a stupid indiscretion you made decades ago? It's not like you haven't done it before!"

"That's what I said," Destro groaned. "Which proved to be another tactical blunder."

"Your whole relationship with the Baroness is one tactical blunder after another," Cobra Commander remarked. "Seriously Destro. Move on. Preferably to another country!"

"Tried that," Destro groaned.

"Well try doing something productive," Cobra Commander said. "See what the idiots are doing in the warehouse. And by warehouse, I mean the barn out back."

"Why not?" Destro sighed. "Why does this hotel have a barn again?"

"Because before it was a hotel," Blood Wing walked in (in human form). "It was a private mansion that belonged to a friend of mine centuries ago. Long story."

"I should leave before you tell it," Destro groaned. "I notice it's daylight and you haven't grown any feathers."

"As long as I avoid the sun I'm fine," Blood Wing said. "This basement is dark and dingy enough. And I took a nap since sunrise so I'm good."

"How's the revenge spree coming along?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Quite well actually," Blood Wing said. "I've already killed a couple of drug lords that wronged me in the past. A retired vampire hunter that I crossed paths with back in the day. That bastard at the DMV who wouldn't renew my license. A couple of henchmen for drug lords. The usual."

"Did you kill your barber yet?" Cobra Commander asked. "The one who told those idiots who killed you where your hideout is?"

"No, I decided to let him live," Blood Wing admitted. "He just does too good a job. Especially shaving. The man is a genius."

"It is hard to get a good barber nowadays," Destro admitted. "Do you have his card?"

"You wouldn't know it to look at him," Cobra Commander pointed at Destro. "But under that mask is a beard that can pull a truck!"

"It could use a trim," Destro admitted. "It's starting to get hot under this mask."

"I'll set up an appointment," Blood Wing said. "I have to admit this revenge spree isn't as good as I thought it would be. That vampire hunter I told you about? He was already in a coma. I couldn't even use my best 'I'm getting my revenge on you after all these decades' speech on him."

"Comas are tricky," Cobra Commander admitted. "On the one hand it's easy to kill your enemy. But on the other, you don't get the fun of gloating."

"Exactly," Blood Wing nodded. "Revenge without gloating is…Well. Like having a five-course dinner without any wine. Speaking of which do we have any left or did you drink it all?"

"Right over there," Cobra Commander pointed to several crates full of bottles of wine. "Which is where I am going."

"And that is my cue to be going," Destro groaned as he left the basement.

Meanwhile some of the Cobras were relaxing drinking sodas (and in some cases beer) in the barn. "So where did the Crimson Twits take other Dreadnoks, Torch?" Zartan asked.

"They went on a delivery and a drink run," Torch explained as he finished a grape soda.

"Why didn't you go with them?" Zarana asked.

"I felt I needed a little Me Time," Torch shrugged. "A chance to kick back and relax."

"They left without telling you again, didn't they?" Mindbender groaned.

"To be fair I was kind of indisposed in the bathroom if you know what I mean," Torch groaned. "I learned the hard way what Montezuma's Revenge really is."

"Told you not to eat those fish tacos," Scott said. "They looked almost exactly like the ones they made at my high school."

"You don't need to be me to see where that was going," Crystal Ball spoke up. He was on the table.

"I wish you were gone," Zarana groaned.

"Things your ex-boyfriends say. Hello!" Crystal Ball quipped.

"What boyfriends?" Zandar asked.

"I've had plenty of boyfriends!" Zarana snapped. "Cor when I think of all those opportunities I had and wasted…"

"The only opportunities you've had was when some guy was wasted," Crystal Ball quipped. "Hey-O!"

"I've had plenty of men who wanted me!" Zarana snapped.

"Yes, all of them with warrants for your arrest," Mindbender quipped.

"Good one," Torch snickered.

"I'd hardly think a man who dates and then constantly gets dumped by his own experiments is in any position to criticize my love life!" Zarana snapped. "I've had a lot of powerful men in the palm of my hand!"

"I hope you're not counting Destro," Zandar asked.

"Oh god no," Zarana groaned. "That was forgettable for so many reasons."

"Mostly because he dropped you like a hot potato as soon as the Baroness told him to," Zandar quipped.

"I was only using him to move on up in the ranks anyway!" Zarana snapped. "Besides I've had other men who were much better than he was!"

"Name one!" Zartan scoffed.

"She was romantically involved with a Joe," Mindbender pointed out.

"That was over thirty bloody years ago!" Zarana snapped. "And trust me, if I was going to leave you morons for him, I'd have done it long before now."

"Thirty years?" Scott did a double take. "How old are you?"

"None of your bloody business!" Zarana snapped. "My point is, if I was going to leave the Dreadnoks and Cobra…In that order…I'd have already done it!"

"She's right," Torch said. "She could have dumped us easily and taken up with that Joe. Have kids and all that. Maybe go straight? But she's a Dreadnok through and through. She stayed with us. And she's always gonna be with us. Forever."

Scott looked at Zarana. "You regret not going off with that Joe every day of your life, don't you?"

"Are you kidding?" Zartan snapped. "There are days I regret not running off a Joe!"

"Oh please!" Zarana rolled her eyes.

"Apparently delusional behavior is genetic," Crystal Ball snickered.

"Hey! I'm pretty sure Scarlett and I could have made it work if I really wanted to!" Zartan snapped. "If I'd taken a shot!"

"I'm pretty sure she would have shot you with her crossbow mate," Torch snorted.

"I'm just saying we had some chemistry," Zartan said. "If I really wanted to back then I would have gone after her."

"Well she has been after you for years," Zarana quipped. "But not for the reasons you think."

"It was just bad timing," Zartan said. "I was focused on my career. She was dating Duke and then just going over to Snake Eyes…"

"You tried to blow her up with a bomb," Mindbender added.

"Not just her," Zartan rolled his eyes. "It was all the Joes in general."

"Okay so hypothetically…" Mindbender paused. "If you had to run off with a Joe. Which one would you go with?"

"Hypothetically?" Zandar spoke up. "Does it have to be romantically? Or…?"

"It can be platonic," Mindbender said. "For example, I think Airtight would be a suitable partner. Not in a romantic sense. But I bet we'd work well together. Maybe set up a small business or something?"

"What business would that be?" Torch snorted. "Gas R Us? Chemical Weapons Depot? Oh! I got it! Bunsen and Burners!"

"You're becoming surprisingly articulate lately Torch," Zartan observed. "Take any new drugs lately?"

"As a matter of fact, yes," Torch said. "I've been nibbling at the stuff Mindbender gives some of his mice. I actually feel smarter. And I can smell cheese a couple blocks away."

"Well who would you hang out with Torch?" Mindbender snapped. "Let me guess, Blowtorch so you can burn things down together!"

"You'd give new meaning to the words Arson Squad," Zartan quipped.

"That is a good one, but not the bloke I had in mind," Torch said.

"Really? Who?" Zarana asked.

"Shipwreck," Torch said. "He may be a Joe, but that bloke seems like he knows how to have a good time."

"Oh God," Zartan groaned. "I just realized something. If you taught Torch to read and he had better hygiene then you'd have Shipwreck!"

"Don't forget the parrot," Torch added. "I admit it. I'm jealous of the parrot."

"I think I'd do Cover Girl," Crystal Ball said. "She used to be a super model. It would be fun to look up her old friends! Yowzah!"

"All you can do is look!" Zarana snapped. "You're just a bloody ghost in a bloody crystal ball!"

"That's why I'd pick her!" Crystal Ball snapped. "You think I want to look at a guy all the time?"

"We don't even like looking at you all the time," Scott snickered. He looked at Torch. "Burn?"

"Burn!" Torch smirked approvingly.

"If we're talking hypothetical and purely platonic," Zandar spoke up. "I'd say I would hang around with Snake Eyes. I think we would work well. Except for, you know? My brother murdered his teacher and framed his best friend and sword brother thing…"

"How many times do I have to apologize for that?" Zartan groaned.

"Apologize for what?" Destro asked as he walked over to them. "What have you done now?"

"In Zartan's case it's more like who he wishes he'd done," Torch snickered. Zartan hit him on the head. "OW!"

"We were asking a question," Mindbender. "Purely hypothetical…"

"Go on," Destro folded his arms.

"If you had a choice to run off with a Joe," Mindbender explained. "Not necessarily in a romantic sense. It can for friendship or business reasons…Which Joe would you go with and why?"

"Lady Jaye," Destro remarked. "She has intelligence and a remarkable business acumen."

"She's also your bloody cousin," Zartan said.

"Well then there's no romance then," Destro retorted. "And the Baroness wouldn't get jealous! Besides you said any reason!"

"Hang on," Scott blinked. "You're related to a Joe?"

"Distantly," Destro sighed. "We have an ancestor in common. It's a long story."

"Gee I don't know any Joes," Scott said. "Which one do you think I would be good with?"

"Bazooka," Torch said. "You'd get a bang out of him. Get it? Because he has an actual bazooka that he blows stuff up with!"

"Who is blowing up what now?" The Baroness stormed in.

"We're playing a hypothetical game," Zartan told her.

"Sounds like your love life," The Baroness quipped.

"Good one," Zarana smirked.

"If you had to either date or have some kind of platonic relationship with a Joe…" Zartan went on. "Which one would you choose and why?"

"That has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard of," The Baroness said. "And considering how high that bar is…"

"It's not that stupid," Crystal Ball remarked.

"Yes, it is!" The Baroness snapped. "I would never, ever date a Joe!"

"Actually, you have," Crystal Ball said. "Or more accurately your other dimensional selves have."

"What?" The Baroness asked.

"In one dimension you fell in love with a Joe named Steeler," Crystal Ball explained. "And then when he died the Steeler from this dimension stayed with her."

"You're joking?" The Baroness said.

"No, I'm serious," Crystal Ball shook his head. "They got married and have two kids. He's now a senator in that dimension."

"First of all…" The Baroness paused. "Who the hell is Steeler?"

"A Joe apparently," Destro remarked.

"I figured that out from the context!" The Baroness snapped. "I never heard of him."

"Well he exists and your other self is married to him," Crystal Ball said. "And in yet another reality you used to date Duke. And for some reason Cobra Commander is your brother."

"WHAT?" The Baroness shouted.

"Ewww…" Zarana winced. "I mean the Cobra Commander being your brother part. Not you dating Duke part."

"Again," The Baroness glared at her. "Context! And you can see into other dimensions?"

"Of course, I can!" Crystal Ball snapped. "Hello! Ghost with supernatural psycho-kinetic powers! Seeing into other dimensions is basically like watching cable. You just have to adjust the frequency. Some of those dimensions are quite interesting."

"Can you see one where this whole conversation is interesting?" Scott asked.

"Ignore him," Mindbender said. "How am I doing in other dimensions?"

"Ehhh…" Crystal Ball shrugged. "Well in a lot of them you're still a good guy that's a dentist that wears a shirt so…"

"Ewww…" Mindbender winced.

Suddenly the sound of motorcycles and a truck screeching in were heard. "Ah the Idiots of the Apocalypse have arrived," Destro said dryly.

The Twins and the Dreadnoks ran into the barn. "We need to talk to Cobra Commander!" Tomax gasped.

"We have a problem," Xamot gulped.

"A problem?" Destro drawled. "That's a step down."

"There was a problem with the last few shipments," Buzzer told them.

"What kind of problem?" The Baroness snapped.

"Oh, this does not bode well," Destro winced.

"It doesn't," Monkeywrench groaned.

Meanwhile back to the hotel…Or more likely the hotel bar.

"If you like Pina Coladas!" Cobra Commander and Blood Wing sang as they drank some wine. Actually, a lot of wine. "Getting caught in the rain! If you're not into health food…"

"Commander!" Destro ran in with the rest of the Cobras. "We have a problem!"

"If you think Destro is a pain!" Blood Wing sang.

"Good one!" Cobra Commander snickered.

"Commander we have a serious problem!" Destro snapped.

"I'll say," Cobra Commander quipped as he closed the hole in his mask that let him drink. "We need more wine."

"I wasn't referring to your alcoholism," Destro groaned. "Remember when I said that there was a flaw in this latest scheme of yours? I believe I found it."

"What?" Cobra Commander sighed.

"Why tell him when we can show him?" The Baroness put down Crystal Ball. "Show him!"

"Would it kill you to say please?" Crystal Ball groaned before showing the images of several people getting sick. And then an image of a can of Snakebite Cola.

"What is this?" Blood Wing blinked.

"The evening news," Zartan grumbled.

"What's that guy saying?" Cobra Commander blinked as someone spoke Spanish.

"I'll switch to translation mode," Crystal Ball said.

The announcer suddenly spoke in English. "At least fifty-three soldiers of the Mexican Army were taken into the hospital for extreme cases of vomiting and diarrhea. This adds to the original total of a two-hundred and ninety-five people poisoned by the new soda, Snakebite Cola."

"I may have miscalculated the dosage of my mind control drugs," Mindbender winced. "Not to mention that I may have failed to realize the reactions between the drugs and certain carbonating agents."

"This just in," A male news anchor was shown. "Cartel leader Gabriel 'The Horse' Chavez has just died. Apparently, he was poisoned by Snakebite Cola. This brings the death toll to nine. Ironically, most of them known cartel members."

"No, ya think?" Zarana snapped.

"We got rid of some competition," Mindbender said weakly. "That's something."

"The only non-cartel member to die was beloved Telemundo soap opera star Miguel De Lameros," A picture of a handsome Mexican man was shown. "Already mourners by the thousands are leaving tokens of mementos at his mansion in Mexico City."

"Uh oh…" Ripper winced. "This is not good."

"What?" Scott asked. "Why?"

"Killing a beloved Telemundo soap opera star in Mexico is basically like killing a member of royalty in Europe," Ripper said. "Soap opera fans are fanatics! Any insult to them they take very seriously!"

"How do you know that?" Monkeywrench asked.

"I once had a cellmate that was very into Mexican soap operas," Ripper explained. "Some bloke said the wrong thing about a Mexican actress…He started a riot that lasted three days! On the upside I was able to escape."

"It is worth saying that De Lameros was also the grandson of General Armando De Lameros of the Mexican Army," The news reporter went on. "And his soap opera 'King of the Southern Border' was a great favorite among cartel leaders."

"This is very bad," Buzzer gulped.

"Already angry mobs are forming in the streets, denouncing Snakebite Cola," The news reporter read the news. "Several leading members of rival cartels have banded together to put together a bounty on the people responsible. Ten million pesos. Dead or alive. Hang on. My mistake. Just dead."

"Very, very bad…" Ripper gulped.

"Real bad," Torch agreed.

"Relax," Cobra Commander waved. "It's not like they know where we are."

"Or who we are," Destro added.

"Uh…" The Crimson Twins looked at each other.

"What?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"I think I hear some jeeps coming this way," Torch realized. "A lot of them!"

"This just in," The news announcer read. "The authorities have just discovered the hideout of the makers of Snakebite Cola. Apparently, they are at a defunct hotel called the Blue Iguana."

Just then several gunshots rang out. The gang ducked in reaction. "Apparently the soda deliveries had a return address…" The news announcer began.

"And that's enough of that," Crystal Ball shut off the transmission.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU IDIOTS LEFT THE ADDRESS OF THIS HOTEL ON THE LABELS?" Cobra Commander shouted.

Everyone looked at Scott. "What?" Scott asked. "Isn't that what you're supposed to do? Leave an address so that the orders can be refilled?"

"We may need to use that plane sooner than we thought," Blood Wing gulped as the sound of angry voices and gunfire were heard.

"I guess it's off to Greenland huh?" Scott asked.

"If we get out of here alive!" Destro drew his weapon.

"I hate it when days end like this!" Cobra Commander snarled as the gunfire got closer. "I mean a surprise ambush and a gunfight really wreck your wine buzz!"

"This has happened before?" Blood Wing snapped.

"More times than I can count," Destro sighed.

"And considering Destro can count really high," Torch said as he grabbed his flamethrower. "That's saying something."

"Thank the Serpent God I am high," Cobra Commander pulled out his weapon. "Or else I'd really be panicking right now!"

"If that's not a sign I should be panicking right now…" Destro groaned. "I don't know what is!"