It's Not Better In The Bahamas

"Are we there yet?" Torch called out from the back of the plane.

"We only just left Jamaica a few hours ago!" The Baroness snapped as she flew the plane. "And since I don't have a flight plan or a damn GPS system, I'm flying blind!"

"What happened to the GPS…?" Destro stopped. "Oh right. I forgot. I thought I fixed that."

"It went out again," The Baroness sighed.

"What do you mean?" Cobra Commander asked.

"We didn't tell you where we got this plane did, we?" Destro asked.

"No," Cobra Commander shook his head. "Should I ask?"

"We got this plane at an airplane repair hanger," Destro said. "To be fair this was the least damaged one. The only thing wrong with it was some wiring and the GPS system."

"Why didn't you get a fixed plane?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"You have to get a plane before they're fixed!" The Baroness snapped. "Otherwise it will be missed a lot sooner!"

"She's right," Monkeywrench called out.

"That is Airplane Theft 101," Zartan admitted.

"Wonderful," Cobra Commander grumbled. "We're flying around with no idea where we are."

"We almost never know where we are," Mindbender pointed out. "This is nothing new."

"Besides I think I see a large island," The Baroness said.

"Then fly right over it," Cobra Commander snapped.

"You mean around it?" The Baroness asked.

"No! Over it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We can't keep wasting time!"

"Uh I don't think that's a good idea," Crystal Ball spoke up.

"WHO ASKED YOU?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Seriously, don't fly directly over that island," Crystal Ball protested.

"Shut up!" Cobra Commander snarled. "Fly over the island!"

"Flying over the island," The Baroness did so.

"You do remember I have psychic abilities that act almost like a GPS system, right?" Crystal Ball called out.

"So you know where we are?" Destro asked.

"Yes!" Crystal Ball snapped. "We're over…"

FOOOOOOOM!

"Cuba…" Crystal Ball groaned as two fighter jets flew behind them.

"You're saying we just violated Cuban airspace?" Destro yelled. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"I tried to!" Crystal Ball snapped. "Chrome Dome wouldn't listen!"

"Who are you calling Chrome Dome?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Rock Head!"

"Oh, I get it!" Torch called out. "Because Crystal Ball is in a crystal and a crystal is a kind of rock! That's funny!"

"Cuba has an air force?" Ripper blinked. "Because that's not funny!"

"I will solve this!" Cobra Commander snapped. "As usual!"

He reached for the communications button. "This is Cobra Commander! Telling you all to stand down! Fidel! It's me! Your old buddy CC! Relax!"

"Commander…" Destro looked at him. "Fidel Castro died, remember?"

"Oh right," Cobra Commander realized. "That means…Uh oh…"

"Uh the fighter jets are preparing to fire missiles," The Baroness gulped.

"Come on Raoul!" Cobra Commander called out. "Your brother was cool! Why can't you be? If you're still mad about all those parties we had and you weren't invited…That was more your brother's idea. Not mine. Your issues are with him. Not me! Okay yeah technically we threw some of them in your own house while you weren't home…"

"They're firing!" The Baroness shouted.

"Way to go Chrome Dome!" Crystal Ball snapped.

"Boy Castro's kid brother really knows how to hold onto a grudge doesn't he?" Cobra Commander groaned.

"Evasive maneuvers!" Destro shouted.

"What do you think I'm doing?" The Baroness snapped.

"Blow up the missiles!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"With what?" The Baroness shouted. "Your faux paus?"

"This plane doesn't have weapons?" Cobra Commander screamed.

"It's a damn transport ship!" The Baroness snapped. "Hang on!"

"Are you mad woman?" Destro screamed as the Baroness dipped down towards the ocean.

"Stupid question," Torch called out.

"You're diving towards the damn ocean!" Destro shouted.

"And are you blind?" The Baroness pointed to a large ship below them. "Those are targeting missiles! I'm giving them something else to hit!"

"Pull up!" Cobra Commander screamed. "PULL UP!"

"Not yet…" The Baroness was cutting it close. "NOW!"

She pulled up just in time. The missiles hit the ship instead of Cobra. "WHOO HOO!" Ripper cheered.

"That was bloody brilliant!" Zarana snickered. "Wait who did we just bomb?"

"It looks like a Russian warship," Destro realized.

"Well there goes that alliance," Cobra Commander chuckled. "Let's see Raoul talk his way out of that!"

BOOM! BOOOM!

"And now they're firing on us!" The Baroness groaned.

"GET US OUT OF HERE!" Cobra Commander screamed. "GET US OUT OF HERE!"

"I'M TRYING!" The Baroness snapped. "SHUT UP!"

"I AM YOUR COMMANDER!" Cobra Commander snapped. "YOU DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP! I TELL YOU TO SHUT UP!"

"SHUT UP COBRA COMMANDER!" Everyone else shouted.

"YOU ARE ALL LUCKY THERE IS A HIRING DROUGHT AROUND HERE!" Cobra Commander screamed. "OR ELSE YOUR SNAKE BUTTS WOULD BE SO FIRED! OUT OF A CANNON!"

"JUST SHUT UP!" Xamot shouted.

"AND LET THE BARONESS FLY THE PLANE!" Tomax snapped.

"WILL EVERYBODY SHUT UP AND LET ME DO THAT?" The Baroness shouted.

"We're all going to die…" Zartan moaned.

"Not me," Crystal Ball quipped. "One of the perks of being already dead."

"Some people have all the bloody luck," Monkeywrench groaned.

"This day can't possibly get any worse," Destro moaned.

"You would think that but we always manage to top ourselves," Mindbender told him.

"How the hell can we top this?" Destro shouted.

Some time later…On an island not that far away…

"Yo! Yo! Yo!" A lanky young white man in his early twenties with large blue and red curly hair, several earrings, huge sunglasses, colorful clothing and lots of gold necklaces spoke into the camera. "This is Early E! Here on Jam TV's Mama Jammin' Beach Party in The Bahamas Baby!"

"Check it out! We got loads of talent this weekend!" Early E said as several young women in bikinis gyrated in the background. "We got Steffi C. Stefanie Z. Jimmy D. Big Bob B! The Party Smashers! The Teddy Bear Bashers! Cha-Smanga! Floopity Floo! Lil' QT! XYZ! 4 And 3! The 7D! Fort Lee! Oh Oh E! And Vanna V!"

"Right now, we are gonna go on our Wave Stage with the group that has been smashing the charts these past three days. With their chart climbing hit, Let's Do It Until Our Ears Bleed, here's Splat!"

A band wearing wild outfits of different colors were playing on a stage in the middle of the water. They were surrounded by several people in bathing suits bobbing and laughing in the ocean enjoying themselves.

Until suddenly they started pointing and screaming. Several of them started to swim away to the beach. And then all of them fled the water in fear.

Except for the band which kept playing, going on like the true professionals they were. They didn't even hear the roar of the engine until it was too late.

SMASH!

SPLAT!

CRASH!

"OH MY GOD!" Early E screamed as the plane skidded violently onto the beach. "That plane just crashed on Splat! That plane just crashed on Splat! Are they hurt? Do you think they're hurt! Oh man that plane is on fire! Oh man…Are they okay? Is the band ok?"

"I don't think so," A cameraman remarked. "Hey! People are coming out of the plane!"

"MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!" Destro ordered as the Cobras fled the plane.

"RETREAT! RETREAT!" Cobra Commander screamed as he ran away.

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The Cobras were nearly knocked down during the explosion. "Great…" Tiffany groaned. "There goes our ride."

"Okay now you're all a witness!" Torch spoke up. "I had nothing to do with this explosion!"

"Torch, we all know who's at fault for this particular debacle," Zartan glared at the Baroness.

"As long as it's not me, right?" Torch asked.

"No, it's not you," Zartan said.

"Then I'm good," Torch shrugged as he indicated his familiar weapon.

"At least I landed the damn plane!" The Baroness snapped. "Despite having our engine getting shot! Give me some credit!"

"Fine," Zartan snapped. "I credit you for not killing us all."

"Was that so hard?" The Baroness snapped.

"That's what she said!" Crystal Ball quipped. He was being carried by Mindbender.

"You're just lucky we didn't just let you sink to the bottom of the ocean!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"I wish you had!" Crystal Ball snapped. "Maybe I could get some peace and quiet for a while!"

"Excuse us Cobra Commander…" Tomax spoke up.

"We hate to interrupt this," Xamot added. "Whatever it is…"

"But perhaps we should…" Tomax went on.

"Find out where we are first?" Xamot added.

"Looks like we literally gate crashed a party," Monkeywrench looked around.

"What the hell is all this?" Destro looked around.

"It looks like one of those stupid MTV type beach parties slash concert slash promo tours," Zarana remarked.

"They still do those?" The Baroness asked.

"Apparently," Zarana shrugged.

"Hang on," Cobra Commander realized. "If this is one of those MTV beach party things that means there's alcohol somewhere."

"This is what you are concerned with?" Destro snapped.

"At the moment yes," Cobra Commander snapped.

"Don't you think we have bigger problems?" Destro snapped. "Like getting in trouble with the authorities?"

"Who are coming this way," Zandar blinked as three men in black uniforms walked up to them. "I think?"

"Okay uh this is kind of a private beach so uh…" The first security guard blinked.

"Way to take charge of the situation Darryl!" The second snapped. "First is anyone injured?"

"Not yet," Cobra Commander said. "And where the hell are we?"

"What do you mean by not yet?" Darryl asked.

"Darryl I am in command!" The second security guard snapped. "You're at Jam TV's beach party. They're doing an all week beach party thing."

"What country are we in?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"The Bahamas," Darryl said. "What happened to you?"

"Got shot down by some Cuban missiles," Destro waved. "Same old. Same old."

"What's with the costumes?" The third security guard asked.

"You have no idea who we are do you?" Cobra Commander groaned.

"In this case that's a good thing Commander!" Destro barked.

"Uh dudes you guys killed the band," Darryl said.

"Who puts a band in the middle of the ocean?" Mindbender blinked behind him.

"That does seem like a liability lawsuit waiting to happen," Tomax admitted.

"If we didn't kill the band the next high tide probably would have," Xamot added.

"You're coming with us!" The second security guard snapped. "You're under arrest!"

"You and what army mate?" Ripper showed off his weapon. The rest of the Dreadnoks followed suit.

"Uhh…." Darryl looked around. "We kind of are the army…"

"This could be a problem," The third security officer gulped.

"Hang on," The Baroness spoke up. "This is supposed to be a huge television production of some sort with hundreds of people and the only security here are the three of you?"

"Where the hell is the rest of the security?" Zandar asked.

"Most of them quit this morning because they weren't being paid," The third security guard admitted. "Some of them just decided to go party."

"Huh," Torch looked around. "I do notice a vibe of every bloke for himself going on."

"Oh yeah," Zandar realized. "There's five women fighting over there and a bunch of guys filming it and placing bets."

"That guy just vomited on another guy," Tiffany said. "And now the other guy is beating him up."

"That guy is beating that other guy up," Zandar remarked.

"That other guy is beating another other guy up," Torch added.

"That guy over there is smoking a bong and setting a tree on fire," Buzzer pointed.

"I'm pretty sure some of those people are passed out drunk," Monkeywrench pointed. "Or dead."

"There's a knife fight over there," Crystal Ball added. "I'm pretty sure that guy's been stabbed."

"I haven't seen this much violence within a group of people since the last Cobra Christmas party," Mindbender remarked.

"We've been having some problems," Darryl admitted.

"Bad news Darryl," Crystal Ball quipped. "You're about to have more."

"Dreadnoks," Zartan ordered.

Monkeywrench, Torch and Tiffany stepped up. Monkeywrench and Torch punched out Darryl and the third security guard. Tiffany head butted the second one and knocked him out cold.

"In case you haven't figured it out," Cobra Commander said. "That's the not yet part I was talking about."

"I apologize Commander," Destro remarked. "It appears we don't have bigger problems. For the moment anyway."

"So…" Cobra Commander looked around. "We get something to drink and eat?"

Destro then noticed something. "There's a bar right there."

"Good idea," The Baroness said as they moved to the bar. "I'm starving."

"Me too…" Tiffany agreed. "Banging your head against another guy works up an appetite."

"Seriously," Monkeywrench remarked. "I think they should check on those people over there. If nothing else for health reasons. I'm pretty sure dead bodies on the beach violate some kind of health code."

"They're probably just passed out," Ripper waved.

"I don't know dude," Monkeywrench remarked. "One of those seagulls is trying to eat that guy's eyeballs. Oh wait, he knocked the seagull away. He's okay. Phew! What a relief."

"You actually sound like you care about another human being," Zartan asked.

"No, I just don't like seeing birds eat eyeballs," Monkeywrench shuddered. "It's bloody creepy."

"Okay that makes more sense," Zartan admitted. "And for the record Monkeywrench I admit that disturbs me as well."

"Me too," Cobra Commander admitted. "Even as a child I couldn't eat snake eyeballs. Then again, most kids my age didn't. It was more of an adult delicacy but I never developed a taste for it."

"You seem to have developed a taste for other adult delicacies," Destro said wryly.

The Cobras headed towards the bar. Where of course Early E was. "Hey! Hey! Hey! You can't be here!" Early E protested. "This bar is for talent only."

"Well then that let's you out," Cobra Commander quipped. He then pulled out his blaster and shot Early E.

"AAHHH!" Early E screamed as he was hit by the laser and fell down.

"Did you kill him?" The Baroness asked mildly curious,

"No, just stunned the fool," Cobra Commander waved. "It's less energy on the weapon if you stun them. Could someone please throw out the trash?"

"Got it," Tiffany said as she grabbed Early E and threw him out of the bar.

"Whoa! That must have been over nine feet!" Monkeywrench cheered.

"Hey! Look! A camera!" Torch pointed. "And it's on! Hey! There are cameras everywhere. And there's a stage over there too! With instruments and everything."

"Very astute Torch," Cobra Commander remarked. "Hello world! It's Cobra Commander…I'm baaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaack!"

"Technically we never left," Mindbender spoke up. "We've just been lying low."

"Right here is my Number Two Destro…" Cobra Commander waved.

"Please don't refer to me as that," Destro groaned.

"Why not?" The Baroness snapped off camera. "It does fit!"

"SHUT UP!" Destro snapped.

"YOU SHUT UP!" The Baroness snapped.

"Why don't you both shut up?" Cobra Commander said. "Interesting. I just noticed our camera crew hasn't said or done anything but film us since we got here."

"We're professionals, man," A cameraman spoke up. "We just film. Doing anything else would interfere with the process."

"It's hard finding people so dedicated to their craft nowadays," Cobra Commander remarked. "Good work people."

"Hey Zartan," Torch realized. "I got an idea! Remember that bar in Melbourne? When we all decided to give that dive the Cold Slither Experience?"

"You're kidding?" Zartan blinked.

"Why the bloody hell not?" Torch asked. "We got a stage! We got some instruments!"

"And a camera," Ripper pointed to a camera. "Several cameras actually."

"Oh what the hell?" Zartan decided. "Lads! Let's do this! Cold Slither is back!"

"ALL RIGHT!" Torch whooped as the Dreadnoks took the stage. Knocking everyone else down.

"What the hell?" Zarana shrugged as she and Zandar went to join them.

"Well they can't be any worse than half the things I hear on the radio," Cobra Commander waved. "Here they are! Direct from their parole violation! Those oldies but not so goodies…COLD SLITHER!"

"We're Cold Slither! You'll be joining us soon!" Zartan and the Dreadnoks sang as they went wild on stage with the stolen instruments. "A band of vipers playing our tune…"

"Well that's one way to make a comeback," Crystal Ball quipped. He had been put down on the table next to Destro and Cobra Commander.

"We should go before security comes back," Destro remarked. "Or wakes up. Whatever."

"Oh, relax Destro," Cobra Commander took a drink from the bar. "I have to admit, they're certainly better than a lot of bands that play nowadays!"

"We've heard it before!" The Dreadnoks sang and started smashing their instruments. "We don't want to play the game no more!"

"Call me old fashioned but I miss the good old days of music television," Cobra Commander spoke into the camera after the Dreadnoks finished singing. "Back then it was music, mayhem and the occasional arson incident. Nobody sets their stage on fire anymore! Why is that?"

"Because fire premiums have skyrocketed," Destro remarked. "As well as insurance."

"I'd hate to be the insurers for this festival," Crystal Ball remarked.

"AAAHHHHH!" Several bikini clad women fled from Torch, Buzzer, Ripper and Monkeywrench.

"Especially after the Dreadnoks get through with it," Crystal Ball added.

"AAHHHH!" Several hunky men in bathing suits ran from Tiffany and Zarana.

"Well today we're bringing back the classics," Cobra Commander said. "You lucky people are watching part of our glorious comeback! This is just gravy on my master plan!"

"Since when do you have a master plan?" Crystal Ball asked.

"Since shut up!" Cobra Commander snapped. "This talking head over here is Crystal Ball. If anyone wants to buy him, please make me an offer!"

"Is that your master plan?" Crystal Ball asked sarcastically. "Oh wait. You don't have one."

"They don't know that!" Cobra Commander pointed to the camera.

"They do now," Crystal Ball smirked.

"Remind me again why I don't just throw you in the ocean and be done with it?" Cobra Commander growled.

"You guys want anything to eat?" Mindbender walked over with some corn dogs. "Craft services has some good food."

"We might want to take it to go," Destro noticed something.

"Why?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Unless my eyes deceive me," Destro remarked. "That looks like a United States warship over there."

"And they have several small deployment boats," Mindbender gulped. "With several heavily armed Marines headed our way."

"This won't end well," Crystal Ball gulped. "Good thing I'm already dead!"

"We're not!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"We should run now," Destro advised as he grabbed Crystal Ball.

"Agreed," Cobra Commander grabbed several bottles of alcohol. "COBRA RETREAT! RETREAT!"

"To where?" The Baroness shouted.

"JUST GRAB SOME BOOZE AND CASH AND RUN!" Cobra Commander shouted. "TIFFANY PUT THAT DOWN!"

"Aww…" Tiffany pouted as she had a hunky man in short blue speedo over her shoulder. "Why can't I keep him?"

"PUT HIM DOWN TIFFANY!" Zartan shouted.

"Party poopers," Tiffany did so. The man fled for his life. "YOU COULDN'T HANDLE ME ANYWAY!"

"Guys they're hitting the beach!" Zarana yelled.

Then several rounds of gunfire shot at their way. "RUN FOR IT!" Cobra Commander screamed as the Cobras ran for their lives. "How did they find us?"

"You're kidding right?" Crystal Ball asked.

"Just move it people!" Zartan shouted as the Cobras ran through a crowd of drunk frightened people.

"Good idea! Use the civilians as a cover," Cobra Commander said as he dodged in and out of the crowd. "Out of my way!" He shoved a man to the ground.

"Now what do we do?" The Baroness screamed.

"Head for those docks over there!" Destro shouted. "There's sure to be at least one boat that we can use for a getaway!"

"How about that large yacht over there?" Ripper pointed. "That one looks big enough!"

"Go for it!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Mindbender! Do you have any of those weird chemicals that turn into rampaging blobs?"

"Only one left!" Mindbender said.

"Throw it behind us!" Cobra Commander snapped. "It will cover our escape!"

"Okay!" Mindbender grabbed a vial from his belt and threw it over his back. "Sayonara suckers!"

"We're not even near Japan mate!" Ripper snapped. "We're in the Bahamas!"

"Well what do they say in the Bahamas?" Mindbender asked.

"Goodbye!" Xamot and Tomax snapped.

"Not as catchy," Mindbender remarked.

"If you idiots don't move it, they will catch us!" Destro shouted.

"RARRRRRRRRRR!"

"I don't think so," Mindbender grinned as a medium sized blob started engaging with the marines. "Eddie Junior is keeping them busy."

"I forgot you had those things," Xamot remarked.

"Me too," Tomax agreed.

"I need to whip up a new batch," Mindbender agreed as they got onto the yacht.

"I need to find a new way to make a living," Destro groaned.

Soon the Cobras were out to sea. "I don't know why you're so upset Destro," Cobra Commander remarked as they sat in a lounge area. "We got out of there just fine."

"Just fine? Just fine?" Destro snapped. "What beach were you on?"

"Hang on," Torch looked around. "Who's piloting the boat?"

"Tiffany," Zartan waved. "She's done it before apparently."

"We know," Buzzer said. "She took over for Ripper a few times when we traveled to Mexico."

"Oh right," Torch nodded. "Well all's well that ends well."

"How did that end well?" Destro snapped. "Explain that to me!"

"We got away with very little trouble," Cobra Commander said. "Now that I think about it, it was one of our better escapes."

"No, we just caused an international incident with Cuba," Destro groaned. "Bombed a Russian destroyer. Destroyed a TV show beach party as well as a stolen plane. Shot the host with a laser on live television. Stole a yacht. Committed arson, theft, assault, destruction of property, attempted kidnapping, attempted murder…"

"Not to mention actual murder," Buzzer spoke up. "We did smash an entire band."

"They were called Splat," Crystal Ball explained. "Very aptly named."

"And let loose a killer blob on not only a group of civilians," Destro sighed. "We attacked the Marines!"

"At the very least we got some decent food and drinks and upped our street cred," Torch pointed out.

"Torch is right," Cobra Commander said. "Why not look at the bright side of things?"

"I understand Hellfire is exceptionally bright," Destro grumbled. "Which is where I feel this lot is headed."

"Headed?" Crystal Ball quipped.

"Speaking of which where are we headed?" The Baroness sighed.

"To lower rung of Hell obviously," Destro grumbled.

"Look, it's simple," Cobra Commander said. "All we have to do is get to the next island or something. Grab a plane. Then fly to Greenland. No problem!"

"Hey is it just me or is the sky getting darker?" Torch noticed something. "And windier."

"Yeah the water is getting choppy," Zarana noticed. "Whoa! The boat is starting to rock!"

"Guys!" Tiffany shouted. "We have a situation!"

"What kind of situation?" Cobra Commander snapped as they made their way to the bridge.

"Uh…" Tiffany pointed to what was in front of them. A huge storm with thunderclouds and lightning headed their way.

"Oh," Cobra Commander said. "That kind of situation."

Destro looked at Cobra Commander. "Problem."