Sliding Cobras Part I
Ship's Log: Mission: To find a suitable dimension for takeover by Cobra.
Number of Possible Dimensions: 747
Current dimension: 5606999
"This one has possibilities," Cobra Commander looked down from the bridge at the Roman city below. "An entire dimension based on the civilization of the ancient Roman empire."
"There is a certain appeal to it I admit," Destro mused.
"Well there are some differences," Crystal Ball remarked. "I mean they did away with slavery about three hundred years ago. And this civilization has TVs and cell phones. And by cell phone I mean a bird that mimics speech that flies out of a little box."
"You mean this entire dimension is like the Roman Holidays?" Tiffany asked.
"Pretty much yeah," Crystal Ball nodded.
"What the hell are the Roman Holidays?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Basically The Flintstones set in the era of the Roman Empire," Buzzer explained. "It only lasted one season."
"Gus Holiday was no Fred Flintstone," Torch remarked. "Although he did work in a quarry like him."
"Yeah but Gus was lifting marble," Tiffany contradicted. "Not granite."
"Same difference," Torch waved. "Roman Holidays was a chip off the old Bedrock."
"It does look pretty interesting," Mindbender looked down below. "All those Romans enjoying the freedom of the toga while walking their pet lions."
"Lions?" Destro did a double take.
"Didn't we already do lions?" Zandar asked.
"We did," Destro groaned. "Commander…"
"Now wait a minute Destro," Cobra Commander held up his hand. "Let's watch a bit more before we jump to conclusions."
"I'm seeing two lions jump on each other at that corner," Buzzer looked at the monitor. "And they're mauling their owners as well…"
"Commander…" Destro began again.
"Again, open mind," Cobra Commander said. "Can anybody find a news channel or something?"
"I've got it," Crystal Ball said. "I'll even translate from the Roman."
He sent out a picture of a man in a toga. "And that makes the fifteenth lion mauling this month…" The announcer said. "In other news, the war in Britannia is still going on its eighteenth year with no end in sight. Emperor Nero Trumpicus announced that very soon he will be withdrawing troops. To the Senate where they are continuing to hold hearings into the Emperor's conduct."
"Nothing that much different here," Cobra Commander watched the news program. "Except that emperor looks like Donald Trump."
"Donald Trump running a country," The Baroness remarked. "That's a bit disturbing."
"Like that will ever happen," Destro waved.
"I don't know," Torch said. "I heard a rumor that our Donald Trump was going to run in 2016. Wait, what year is it again? I mean when we left…"
"We were in year 2014 in our dimension," Destro said. "Although for some reason it feels like a lot longer."
"For some reason I keep thinking it's been five or six years since this whole thing began," Torch frowned. "I know I'm bad at math but that can't be right!"
"It's like somebody upstairs is just dragging this out," Ripper added. "Because whoever it is, doesn't have a bloody clue!"
"Quiet," The Baroness ordered. "There's more."
"Emperor Nero Trumpicus has just started a flame war with the senate," The announcer said. "Meaning he actually set the senate on fire."
"Whoa!" Torch looked out the window. "That's a big one!"
"You can see it from here," Monkeywrench cheered. "Hey this dimension is my kind of place."
"On the other hand," Cobra Commander paused. "I'm not so sure this is the right dimension for us. There's no reason to rush into these things. We don't have to just pick the first dimension we find."
"Technically this is like the fourth dimension we've found," Mindbender corrected him.
"Just go to the next dimension on the list," Cobra Commander sighed.
"Well at least we didn't destroy anything in this one," Monkeywrench shrugged.
"We didn't need to," Zarana groaned.
Remaining number of dimensions: 746
Current dimension: 5599433322
"What a dump," Zarana remarked as she looked out the window. "And I am not just using that as an expression. There's nothing but garbage everywhere."
"Literally," The Baroness wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"Yes, I'm afraid this dimension has quite a large pollution problem," Crystal Ball sighed.
"How large are we talking about?" Cobra Commander asked.
"The Grand Canyon is now known as the Grand Landfill," Crystal Ball said. "And even that is overflowing."
"What about that area over there?" Zartan pointed. "That's green. I mean the grass looks nice."
"That's not grass," Mindbender looked at some readings. "That's algae."
"Yikes," Zartan gulped.
"Maybe those hippie dippies have a point about recycling?" Cobra Commander admitted.
"In this dimension people own pet skunks because they like the smell," Crystal Ball added.
"I see…" Cobra Commander paused. "Look I don't want to be one of those guys that's super picky. But I think we can do better than this. I mean…A dimension that isn't completely disgusting. That's not too much to ask is it?"
"No, it isn't," Mindbender shook his head.
"Very reasonable," Zartan nodded.
"Keep it light on the disgusting," The Baroness remarked as she pointed at the Dreadnoks. "We already have enough of that."
"Let's go to the next one," Destro suggested.
"Yes, let's," Cobra Commander nodded.
"AWWWK! AAWK"
"What the hell?" Cobra Commander screamed as a huge shadow flew over their spaceship.
"Did I mention that in this dimension seagulls have evolved to the size of blue whales?" Crystal Ball asked.
"AWWWWK! AWWK!"
"NO, YOU DID NOT!" Cobra Commander screamed as a giant seagull flew at them. "FIRE! FIRE! BLAST THAT BIRD INTO BIRDIE BITS!"
"You got it!" Torch was at the controls.
ZAAP! ZAPPP! ZAPPP! ZAPP!
"HOW COULD YOU MISS?" Cobra Commander screamed as the giant seagull dived at them again.
"He moved!" Torch shouted.
"Let me do that!" Zarana snapped as she stormed over to the controls and fired.
ZAAAAP! ZAPPP! ZAPP!
"AWWWWWWWWWWWKK!"
"Got 'em!" Zarana snapped.
"If you want a job done right," The Baroness said. "Have a woman do it!"
"Testify!" Tiffany agreed.
"Yeah that overgrown chicken is on the barbie!" Ripper laughed.
"Its carcass is also setting fire to the garbage," Destro realized. "In addition to all those other fires Torch caused when he missed."
"Hey that's one way to get rid of some of the trash," Monkeywrench said.
"Remind me of that the day I finally get rid of you lot!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Next dimension Mindbender!"
Remaining number of dimensions: 745
Current dimension: 43099922
"What's wrong with this one?" Zartan asked. "It looks like there are just two continents with two giant buildings in them."
"They are," Crystal Ball said. "In this reality, governments have been abolished. There are only corporations now. The last corporate wars ended five years ago. And there are only two great corporations that remain."
"Which ones?" Destro asked.
"Disney and Amazon," Crystal Ball said.
"Pass!" Cobra Commander snapped. "These guys are more ruthless than I am! Next!"
Remaining number of dimensions: 744.
Current dimension: 4440000
"This is where Moonshine City used to be," Mindbender blinked as he looked at the instruments. "Wow there is a lot of radiation out there."
"We were just here!" Cobra Commander screamed as he looked at the devastation.
"I could tell by the mass destruction," Destro groaned. "Oh look, Circuit City is still standing. How ironic. On so many levels."
"Okay this one is my bad," Mindbender worked the controls. "I'm taking it off the list. Next one."
Remaining number of dimensions: 743.
Current Dimension: 8888903
"This dimension looks completely normal," Zartan said. "What's wrong with it?"
"There's nothing wrong with it," Crystal Ball said. "The only differences are that neither Cobra nor GI Joe ever existed."
"That doesn't sound so bad," Destro remarked.
"And there is only one TV channel in the entire world," Crystal Ball added. "And they only have two programs. The news and Days of Our Lives."
"Oh my god!" Zarana gasped. "The suicide rate must be unbelievable!"
"Not really no," Crystal Ball said. "But TV sales are waaaaaaayyy down."
"You're kidding," The Baroness asked. "Only Days of Our Lives?"
"Yup," Crystal Ball nodded. "And if you thought they were running out of stories in our world it's way worse here. Pretty much everyone has had amnesia, been blackmailed, been arrested, on trial, in a coma, kidnapped, possessed by the devil, kidnapped by aliens, murdered, come back from the dead, and stranded on a desert island. Nineteen times. In that exact same order."
"PASS!" Everyone shouted.
Remaining number of dimensions: 742.
Current dimension: 76590.
"This dimension is basically one where the dinosaurs evolved instead of the humans," Crystal Ball explained the scene below. "In fact, humans are on the menu at a lot of fancy restaurants."
"And the dinosaurs are all at least twelve feet tall," Destro remarked. "Pass?"
"Pass," Cobra Commander sighed. "Again, too much competition!"
"What if we shot down a bunch of meteors?" Monkeywrench asked.
"Even if we did that it would still be too much work," Cobra Commander waved.
"Can we shoot some meteors down anyway?" Ripper asked.
Cobra Commander paused. "Why not?"
"There's a couple close by," Mindbender said. "Take the ship to the following coordinates."
"Will do," Zartan piloted the ship into space. "Oh, those are pretty close."
"And they're about to get closer," Torch grinned. "I'm firing!"
ZAAAPP! ZAPPP! ZAPP! ZAPP!"
"Got 'em!" Torch whooped.
"Nice shot," Zartan said. "Instead of two big chunks there are dozens of slightly smaller ones."
"Still big enough to make an impact," Mindbender said. "Can we watch and take some readings? Pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase?"
"We're at a safe distance," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Why not?"
"Seriously?" The Baroness asked.
"Hey maybe I might come up with an idea to rule the world by using meteors?" Cobra Commander said. "You never know? Besides, think of this as an experiment. We can always use the data for something."
"The first meteors are hitting," Mindbender looked at the scanners. "Whoa! We already took out New Zealand!"
"HEY!" Ripper shouted.
"Oh, calm down Ripper," Buzzer said. "It's not our New Zealand!"
"Still…" Ripper shrugged.
"Whoa!" Tiffany pointed. "Look at that huge hole in Finland!"
"These readings are tremendous!" Mindbender whooped. "You only get data on this much destruction in a couple of thousand experiments! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!"
"To destroy a world?" Destro asked. "This is like the third or fourth opportunity we've had by my count."
"And there goes New York," Cobra Commander said. "It feels good to do something for science."
"Can we go now?" The Baroness sighed in a bored voice.
"Just wait until France sinks into the ocean," Destro waved. "Oh, there it goes. We can go now."
"Just five more minutes?" Mindbender pleaded. "I want to see if the ocean boils or freezes!"
"Oh fine," Cobra Commander sighed.
Remaining number of dimensions: 741.
Current dimension: 4521
"Say what you will," Cobra Commander remarked. "But watching that last world get destroyed was very informative."
"I got so much data," Mindbender grinned. "Very useful!"
"What's the story in this dimension?" Zarana asked. "Everybody looks pretty much like zombies in this dimension."
"Oh no," Crystal Ball shook his head. "It's just that in this dimension there's no such thing as coffee."
"PASS!" Everyone shouted.
"Next!" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Do you want to destroy this one too?" Torch asked.
"Something tells me that sooner or later this world is going to destroy itself…" Cobra Commander waved.
"Huh," Mindbender noticed something. "Finland is launching a missile…"
"First of all," Destro paused. "Finland has missiles?"
"In this dimension yes," Crystal Ball said. "But not for long. Apparently someone fell asleep on the controls…"
"There you go," Cobra Commander shrugged. "And we should go…"
Remaining number of dimensions: 740
Current dimension: 2220651
"Look at all that ocean," Zandar remarked.
"I don't hardly see any land on this dimension," Destro noticed.
"That's because in this dimension all the oceans overflowed almost all of the land," Crystal Ball said. "Luckily the people in this dimension evolved gills. And became very peaceful. There hasn't been a war in over a century."
"This sounds like a perfect world to take over," Mindbender grinned.
"One little problem Mind-bungler!" Cobra Commander snapped. "NONE OF US HAVE GILLS!"
"I could always…" Mindbender began to suggest.
"NO!" Everyone shouted at once.
"It was just a suggestion," Mindbender shrugged.
"I would like to suggest a new filter," Destro sighed. "Remove all the ones where the majority of inhabitants are under water."
"Seconded," The Baroness groaned.
"Make it so," Cobra Commander nodded. "I've always wanted to say that."
Remaining number of dimensions: 629
Current dimension: 42
"Forty-Two?" Destro asked. "Who names a dimension 42?"
"Well there are an infinite number of dimensions," Mindbender shrugged. "It stands to reason some of them would be low numbered."
"Everything about this dimension is low," Cobra Commander grumbled. "I don't see a damn thing."
"Not even a planet," Tiffany said. "It looks like we're in a room. A room without furniture but still a room."
"That's ridiculous," Destro grumbled.
"Well then you explain what's out there!" Tiffany snapped.
"Well there's something out there," Zandar pointed. "Something big."
"And kind of fuzzy," Torch said. "It looks like a…"
"BAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"
"It's a bloody moose!" Torch gasped.
"A bloody giant moose!" Buzzer screamed. "With bleeding huge antlers!"
"A room with a moose?" Destro shouted. "This dimension is just a room with a moose?"
"Yeah there are some really weird dimensions," Crystal Ball explained.
"Here's something weirder," The Baroness gulped. "The moose is coming it's way."
"It's attacking!" Zandar gasped.
"MOOSE ON THE LOOSE!" Torch screamed. "MOOSE ON THE LOOSE!"
"Evasive maneuvers!" Destro ordered.
"You mean," Monkeywrench quipped. "Evasive moose-nuvers!"
"Just shut up and fly the ship!" Destro yelled.
"What do you think I'm doing?" Zartan snapped as he piloted the ship. "Damn it! It's huge! We can't get out of the way!"
"Then fire on it!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Use our most powerful lasers!"
"That won't do any good Commander!" Mindbender snapped. "It's too big! Our lasers will not penetrate the hide! We have the defensive capability of a gnat!"
"Gnats are very annoying!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Aim for the eyes for starters! BLIND IT!"
"Here's lasers in your eyes!" Torch shouted as he fired.
ZAAAAP! ZAPPP! ZAAAAAAAP! ZAAAAP!
"MUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Direct hit!" Torch whooped. "Whoa! Watch the antlers!"
"Use our most powerful missile on the antlers!" Destro shouted. "GO! GO! GO!"
BOOOOOOOOOOM!
"MRRUOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"The moose is on fire!" The Baroness shouted.
"BURN MOOSE BURN!" Torch whooped.
"GET US OUT OF HERE!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"Here we go again," Mindbender groaned as the ship fled to another dimension.
Remaining number of dimensions: 628
Current dimension: 78904
"That last dimension was a disaster," The Baroness groaned.
"Nearly a moose-tastrophe," Monkeywrench quipped.
"Shut up!" Zartan groaned. "Where are we now?"
"We're on some kind of world," Destro checked the instruments. "Populated by animals and clouds."
"Dancing and singing animals and clouds," Zartan blinked.
"This is the world of the Cuddle Critters," Crystal Ball said. "A race of sentient animals devoted to happiness, love and friendship."
"Too cute," Cobra Commander made a noise of disgust. "Next!"
Just then a pink bear with a heart on its stomach floated on a smiling cloud. "Hello friends! My name is Cuddly Bear! I want to give you all big hugs!"
"AAHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed in terror. "BEAR ON A DEATH CLOUD! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!"
"Okay," Torch fired on the bear.
"AAAHHH!" Cuddly Bear screamed as Torch blasted her and the cloud. Killing her and setting the cloud on fire.
"Good shot!" Cobra Commander shouted. "KEEP FIRING IN CASE MORE OF THEM COME AT US!"
"Might as well blow up a few critters," Torch grinned as he shot some lasers, setting more clouds on fire. And a few houses. And then a few animals.
"Look at them run!" Ripper laughed. "That one bunny rabbit's tail is on fire! HA! HA!"
"Congratulations Commander," Destro looked at Cobra Commander. "You wrecked a dimension full of stuffed animals."
"Hey I'm a terrorist!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Causing mayhem and destroying innocent cute creatures is part of the job description! Next dimension!"
"Preferably before they regroup," Destro sighed.
"With what?" Zartan snickered. "Clouds?"
BOOM! BOOM!
"Are those thunderclouds coming our way?" Zarana did a double take.
"Yes, they are," Zandar blinked. "Full of lightning. With some very angry colorful lions riding them."
"That's the Thunder Lion Brigade," Crystal Ball told them. "Guess why they're called that?"
ZAAAAPPP!
"Whoa! That was close!" Torch gasped. "We were almost hit!"
"We should go now," Cobra Commander gulped.
"YOU THINK?" Destro shouted.
Remaining number of dimensions: 627
Current dimension: 78903
"What the hell is wrong with this dimension?" Cobra Commander looked at the monitors. "Everybody here looks like they're under twelve!"
"Technically they're ageless," Crystal Ball explained. "It's the Sun Shiny Bright Dimension where the Sun Kids and Storm Kids are in charge of all the colors and emotions of the universe."
"How nauseating," The Baroness winced.
"Well they'd be easy to conquer," Mindbender suggested.
"I don't want it to be that easy!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I mean come on! I may be evil and ruthless but even I have some standards!"
"Plus, you know?" The Baroness winced. "Children…Eww…"
"They might not be that easy to conquer," Zartan said. "Trust me on this. Kids are crazier and tougher than you think. That's a good reason to give this dimension a pass!"
"New filter Mindbender," Destro said. "Light on the cute. And no dimensions where there are only children."
"Cutting down on the cute," Mindbender typed it in. "Hold the kids."
Remaining number of dimensions: 600
Current dimension: 34535498
"So what's the story with this dump?" Zarana asked as they looked out the window. "And I mean this world looks like a dump!"
"Okay so in this dimension the world was infected by a virus that pretty much destroyed civilization," Crystal Ball explained. "And now hordes of zombies roam the world hunting down and eating the survivors."
"Pass!" Cobra Commander groaned. "Too much competition!"
"Plus, we did a whole thing on zombies already," Torch agreed. "Even I remember it did not end well."
"So, no dimensions with zombies in them?" Cobra Commander asked. "Are we all in agreement?"
"I think it's safe to say the answer is yes," Destro nodded.
"Definitely," The Baroness agreed. "We already have enough mindless eating machines." She pointed to the Dreadnoks.
"She has a point," Zartan agreed.
"Mindbender…" Cobra Commander said.
"Typing it in," Mindbender did so. "Hold the zombies. Hang on. Would it make a difference if the zombies sang and danced?"
"That's even worse," Destro said. "Just put the filter in and let's go to the next dimension."
"Can we just blow up some zombies first?" Torch asked. "There's a whole bunch of them right there."
"We could just use the laser and blast 'em," Ripper added.
"Why not?" Cobra Commander shrugged. "But I get the first turn!"
"Aw man," Torch groaned as Cobra Commander went to the weapons controls.
"There's a huge batch of them right there near that settlement," Cobra Commander rubbed his hands. "Never let it be said that I never did anything good!"
ZZZZZAPPPP! ZAPPPP!
"Whoa! You blew those zombies up real good!" Monkeywrench whooped.
"Look at them run around flailing their arms while they're on fire!" Torch laughed.
"Look at them running towards the settlement and setting it on fire," The Baroness' eyes widened.
"And the nearby forest," Zartan groaned. "Pretty much everything in sight."
"Wow, zombies are really flammable," Torch blinked. "Now I know."
"And knowing is a good reason to invest in a good fire extinguisher," Monkeywrench quipped. "Wow. That fire is going to burn for at least a week."
"Good news Commander," Destro said dryly. "Nobody can say you did anything good."
"Shouldn't it be called doing well?" Ripper blinked. "I always get those confused."
"Technically they are two different things," Destro told him. "To be fair there really isn't that much of a difference in Cobra Commander's case."
"Oh look," Zandar remarked. "Half the town is burning already."
"Just go to the next dimension," Cobra Commander groaned.
Remaining number of dimensions: 588.
Current dimension: 223333
"Something interesting is going on down there," Destro noticed. "There's a huge battle going on."
"Yeah, they're throwing fire and rocks at each other," Ripper realized. "Without flamethrowers and catapults."
"This is the world where people have not only mastered the martial arts," Crystal Ball explained. "But can manipulate one of four elements. Water, earth, fire and air. Except for one guy who can do all four. Currently there's a huge war going on. But when isn't there a war going on? Am I right?"
"In other words," Zartan spoke up. "This is a world full of Kung Fu mutants that can pretty much kick our asses."
"I'd pass this one Commander," Zarana said. "A challenge is one thing but…"
"I know, too much work," Cobra Commander waved. "Next dimension!"
"Hey can we just stop and find a place that sells alcohol first?" Ripper asked.
"We do need to stock up," Tiffany agreed.
"Do they have good alcohol in this dimension?" Cobra Commander asked Crystal Ball.
"Oh yeah," Crystal Ball nodded. "Go to the Flame Empire. They have some of the best in the city called Pu-On-Tim. If my interdimensional guidebook is right, and it usually is…The biggest best storage of fire wines and fire spirits is in a place called The Drunken Dragon. Well next to the royal wine cellar in the Fire Palace."
"New plan," Cobra Commander said. "First…Lay a course for The Drunken Dragon. Then we'll go for the palace."
"Uh Commander I would advise caution…" Destro remarked.
"Destro relax," Cobra Commander waved. "We have blasters. We have superior firepower. And we do have some kind of pallets, right? So that we can take huge crates of alcohol out easily?"
"Yeah we have some kind of floating things," Torch said. "How do you think we got all those missiles on board?"
"Not as many as there were before," Buzzer said. "Thanks to the bloody moose."
"Yeah but now we have more room for booze," Monkeywrench pointed out.
"We're good then," Cobra Commander said. "What's the problem?"
Twenty minutes later…
"COBRA RETREAT!" Cobra Commander screamed as he carried some bottles of alcohol in his arms. "RETREAT!"
"RUN! RUN!" Zartan shouted as he pushed a floating pallet full of crates onto the ship.
On the Cobra's tails were several people bending fire at them. "OW! HOT! HOT! HOT!" Mindbender screamed as some fire singed his behind. "OWW! OWW! OWWW!"
"I TOLD YOU THERE WAS A FLAW IN THIS PLAN!" Destro shouted as he carried several bottles of alcohol.
"SHUT UP AND RUN!" Cobra Commander screamed.
Ten minutes later up in the starship…
"Well at least we got some alcohol," Tomax groaned. Most of the Cobras looked slightly singed.
"And some first-degree burns," Xamot groaned.
"Cor usually I'm the guy that burns stuff," Torch grumbled. "Not the other way around!"
"Told you there was a flaw in the plan," Destro grumbled.
"Shut up Destro…" Cobra Commander groaned as he hobbled around. "Is there like an inflatable pillow or something…? I can't sit."
"I'll get the med kit," Mindbender sighed as he went to get some supplies.
"Should have waited a bit," Crystal Ball told him. "There is going to be a total eclipse in about an hour when the fire benders will lose their powers."
"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT BEFORE?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Never mind…I have a new plan. Head for the royal palace."
One hour later…
"HA HA HA HA!" Cobra Commander cackled as the Cobras stole huge amounts of alcohol from a giant palace. There was a huge hole in he wall. "This is easy!"
"Well yeah," Destro said. "Without their powers the fire benders have to rely on arrows and swords."
ZIPPP!
Destro barely missed an arrow sent at him. "Case in point," He calmly fired his blaster. It hit the archer that tried to shoot at him.
"Plus, there's that huge distraction on the other side of the palace," The Baroness said as she pushed a giant keg on a floating pallet. "Apparently all the other nations knew about the eclipse and are staging an attack on this very same day."
"I also sent my own distraction," Mindbender grinned as he pushed a pallet with some more crates of alcohol.
On the other side of the palace…
"AAAAAAAAAHHH!" The Flame Empire soldiers screamed as they were attacked and being eaten by a large Eddie Junior.
On the other side was the Earth Army and the Water Nation Brigade. "So…What in the nine realms is that?" An Earth Army soldier asked.
"Probably a Flame Empire weapon that backfired on them," A Water Nation soldier said.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"Big time," The Water Nation soldier said.
"Okay everyone new plan," An Earth Army general spoke. "That thing seems to be attacking anything in it's path indiscriminately. So, let's go around it and let the enemy deal with it!"
"Good plan," The Earth Army soldier said.
"Now all we have to do is find a way into the palace," The Earth Army General thought.
ZOOOOOOOOM!
"What the devil is that?" A soldier screamed as he pointed at the Cobra spaceship that flew away.
"I don't know," The Water Nation soldier pointed. "But it left a huge hole in the side of the palace I can see from here! Maybe we can go in through that hole?"
"That'll work," The Earth Army General blinked.
Remaining number of dimensions: 587
Current dimension: 6398765
"In this dimension," Crystal Ball explained. "Dogs are the primary species while humans are their pets."
"That explains those giant fire hydrants all over the place," Destro remarked. "I'd pass on this one Cobra Commander."
"Yes," Cobra Commander sighed. "Besides I feel like somebody already did that joke."
"Do you want to blow something up while we're here?" Torch asked.
"Actually, I have a better idea," Cobra Commander remarked. "I have a more whimsical notion in mind. Who's good at drawing?"
"I am," Zartan said.
"Good," Cobra Commander nodded. "Destro take us to the moon. Zartan take the lasers. I want you to do something."
"What are you up to?" Destro groaned.
"Just something that will really put these mutts' tails in a twist," Cobra Commander snickered.
A short time later…
"HEY!" A dog man shouted as he looked up at the night sky. "HEY! GET OFF THERE!"
On the moon was a drawing of a huge cat. "GET OFF THE MOON CAT! GET OFF!" The dog man shouted. "GET OFF!"
"That's our moon!" A dog woman shouted. "GET OFF!"
"GET OFF THE MOON CAT! GET OFF!" Hundreds of dog people looked up at the night sky and started barking and howling like crazy. "GET OFF! OOOOOOOOHHH!"
Remaining number of dimensions: 586
Current dimension: 5
"Five?" Destro shouted. "That's even weirder than 42!"
"Well considering this dimension is full of nothing but sloths," Crystal Ball shrugged. "Yeah…"
"So…Sloths?" Cobra Commander asked. "Do they like talk or…?"
"No, they're just regular sloths," Crystal Ball shook his head. "In this dimension the main form of life is just sloths. Kind of useless actually."
"Maybe not?" Mindbender thought aloud. "There is a way to make these creatures useful."
"Is it mutate them into an army of giant sloth slaves that will do our entire bidding?" Destro sighed.
"You say that like it's a bad idea," Mindbender said.
"That's because it is!" Destro snapped.
"I don't think so," Cobra Commander remarked. "It sounds like a good place to start."
"Yes!" Mindbender said. "We could make this dimension our base and then create an army to take over another dimension!"
"Why rule one dimension…?" Xamot asked.
"When you can have two?" Tomax added.
"Not like they're going to be hard to catch," Zarana realized.
"And there's plenty of fruit to eat here so…" Monkeywrench began. "What? Can't a guy like to eat fruit? It helps me poop! Okay?"
"This is a terrible idea!" Destro shouted.
"How can making a mutant army of sloths be a bad idea?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Where do you get that?"
"Years of experience," The Baroness told him.
"Have we forgotten the debacle of the mutant panda?" Destro shouted.
"I did," Zartan realized.
"We had one of those?" Torch asked.
"Oh yeah," Ripper said. "Whatever happened to it?"
"IT WALKED OUT THE DOOR AND ESCAPED!" Destro shouted. "THANKS TO THE CRIMSON TWITS' INCOMPETENCE!"
"That was not our fault!" Xamot shouted.
"That was Mindbender's!" Tomax snapped.
"My job is to make the mutants! Not contain them!" Mindbender snapped. "All I know is whoever was in charge of security dropped the ball!"
"Why don't we try this new thing called learning from our mistakes?" Destro snapped.
"Fine," Cobra Commander groaned. "Zartan you're in charge of security and keeping the mutants contained! There! Happy?"
"Not really no," Destro said. "That's not what I was going for."
"Why do I have to do it?" Zartan snapped.
"You run the Dreadnoks," The Baroness quipped. "You're used to controlling animals."
"Big talk from Lassie!" Zartan snapped.
"ENOUGH!" Cobra Commander ordered. "Mindbender is in charge of making the mutants. Zartan you and your Dreadnoks are in charge of keeping them contained! How hard is that?"
One week later….
"COBRA! RETREAT! RETREAT!" Cobra Commander screamed as the Cobras fled through the jungle.
"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT ZARTAN!" Mindbender shouted as they ran for the spaceship.
"ME?" Zartan yelled. "LOOK WHO'S TALKING MIND-BUNGLER!"
FOOOM! FOOOM!
"FREEEDOOOM!" One of several large sloths wearing primitive clothes shouted as he led a group of sloths. He then managed to create a large amount of fire within his claws and shot the fire at the Cobras.
"I get the intelligence and the talking!" Monkeywrench screamed. "But why the hell did you have to have them bloody create fire?"
"I got inspired by that other dimension!" Mindbender snapped.
"A little too inspired!" Zartan shouted as he dodged some fire. Then a laser blaster. "Damn it, Mindbender! You made them too smart!"
"Okay!" Mindbender panted. "Teaching them how to make and assemble laser blasters of their own was a bad idea! I was just trying to cut costs by having the army smart enough to make their own weapons!"
"SHUT UP AND GET TO THE SHIP! GET TO THE SHIP!" Cobra Commander screamed as they ran into the ship.
"Freedom! Freedom!" The sloths chanted as the Cobras escaped and took off into another dimension.
"Boy those sloths really evolved fast, didn't they?" Torch remarked.
"I told you this was a bad idea," Destro said.
"Shut up Destro!" Cobra Commander grumbled. "NEXT DIMENSION!"
Remaining number of dimensions: 585
Current dimension: 26
"Okay I know where I went wrong with the last dimension," Mindbender told Cobra Commander and the others. They were standing in a forest full of lemurs. "I guarantee that if you let me evolve this dimension full of lemurs, they will not become super intelligent. Or become able to use telekinetically create fire."
"Fine," Cobra Commander sighed. "We'll try this again. Only this time someone else is in charge of containing the mutants. Because clearly Zartan isn't up to the job."
"He does let the Dreadnoks run amok," The Baroness sniffed.
"Fine! Then you can handle the animals this time!" Zartan shouted.
"I WILL!" The Baroness snapped. "I'll just pretend they're smarter versions of the Dreadnoks!"
"Fine!" Cobra Commander shouted. "Let's just do it! This time Cobra will be successful!"
Another week later…
"COBRA RETREAT!" Cobra Commander screamed as he ran for his life. "RETREAT!"
"FREEDOM!" The lemurs shrieked behind the fleeing Cobras. Several of them were water bending. "FREEDOM!"
"How did those little bastards figure out how to water bend?" Zartan shouted.
"YOU DID IT AGAIN MIND BUNGLER!" The Baroness screamed.
"JUST GET TO THE SHIP AND FIND ANOTHER DAMN DIMENSION!" Cobra Commander screamed.
Remaining number of dimensions: 584
Current dimension: 3333333333
"What's the story with this dimension?" Destro sighed. "It looks like nothing but antique stores all over the place."
"That's basically this dimension's deal yes," Crystal Ball said. "This is the dimension of antique shops. And tents. It's basically the Brimfield Fair on a much larger scale."
"So basically," The Baroness groaned. "This dimension is full of old crap nobody wants?"
"Have we really been reduced to this?" Zartan groaned.
"I'm starting to miss the sloths and lemurs," Zandar admitted.
"I'm guessing this dimension is off the table as well?" Destro asked.
"Yes," Cobra Commander sighed. "But while we're here…Might as well do a little bit of shopping."
Thirty-five minutes later…
"RUN! RUN!" Cobra Commander shouted as he carried a small chest full of gold and rare jewelry.
"We're running! We're running!" The Baroness snapped as she carried a sack of valuables. "DREADNOKS COVER OUR ESCAPE!"
"YOU DO NOT ORDER MY DREADNOKS!" Zartan yelled as he carried a sack. "I ORDER MY DREADNOKS! NOT YOU!"
"A-HEM!" Zarana snapped as she and Zandar pushed a large chest full of things on a floating pallet.
"OKAY! AND OCCASIONALLY ZARANA AND ZANDAR!" Zartan snapped. "And of course, Cobra Commander! BUT THAT'S IT! YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST!"
ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!
"DREADNOKS COVER US!" Zartan shouted as they were fired upon by guards with blasters.
"No problems mate!" Torch whooped as he used his flamethrower.
FOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"THE ANTIQUE QUILTS!" One of the guards screamed as rows of quilts were now on fire. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"NOT THE QUILTS!" Another guard screamed. "YOU ANIMALS!"
"SAVE THE QUILTS!" A third guard yelled.
SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!
"They're destroying the teacups too!" A guard screamed. "NOOOO!"
"RUN TO THE SHIP!" Cobra Commander shouted. "While they're distracted."
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"OH MY GOD!" A guard screamed. "They just set on fire the Doily Tent! OH THE HUMANITY!"
"WHOOO HOO!" Mindbender whooped as the Cobras fled into the starship with their loot. "That was great!"
"Nothing like looting and senseless destruction to get the blood pumping," Torch grinned.
"Looks like we got some good loot," Cobra Commander grinned. "Take us out of here Zartan!"
"No problem," Zartan took the helm and did so. "At the very least we might be able to sell some of these trinkets."
"I found a lot of old jewelry with real pearls and diamonds," The Baroness said. "And a few furs that weren't completely ratty."
"I got some old comic books!" Ripper grinned.
"I got some grenades," Monkeywrench said. "Seriously. I found grenades and some other weapons."
"I got rid of one of my Eddie Juniors while taking some very nice old science magazines," Mindbender grinned. "And some other knickknacks lying around."
"You wasted an Eddie Junior down there?" Cobra Commander snapped. "What if it eats something valuable?"
"Relax," Mindbender waved. "I threw it towards that area with all those old bedposts and springs. Nobody will miss those."
"Why do people collect those?" Monkeywrench asked.
"That's actually a good question," Zarana admitted. "I don't see the value in them."
"Except as scrap metal," Torch added. "But even then…"
"Honestly I think we did the universe a favor here," The Baroness nodded.
"So, when you said let's do some shopping," Destro sighed. "You meant steal anything remotely valuable and burn half the place down?"
"Of course," Cobra Commander was confused. "What else would I mean?"
"It was pretty obvious to me what he meant," Torch said.
"Me too," Zartan said.
"Just checking," Destro sighed. "Nope, I'm still surrounded by lunatics."
Remaining number of dimensions: 583
Current dimension: 34
"So, this dimension has nothing but lions in it?" Destro sighed as they looked out over the planet using the monitors.
"Well obviously a lot of prey too," Crystal Ball remarked. "Like deer, zebras, wilder beasts. You get the picture. But yeah, lions are the mostly dominant species."
"Okay," Mindbender remarked as he looked out. "I know where I went wrong in those other dimensions…"
"NO!" Everyone shouted at once.
"NEXT!" Cobra Commander shouted.