Sliding Cobras Part II
Mission Log continued: Still looking for dimensions for Cobra to conquer.
Remaining number of dimensions: 582
Current dimension: 646
"This is exhausting," Cobra Commander slumped into his seat. "Who would have thought most of the work in taking over another dimension would be finding one to take over?"
"What's the story with this one?" Zarana asked.
"Looks like a regular dimension to me," The Baroness said. "Which honestly doesn't really mean that much."
"However, I feel we should err on the side of caution," Destro coughed. "We should observe this world a little bit before deciding our next course of action."
"Something is going on down there," Mindbender noticed the monitor. "There seems to be an altercation of some kind."
"Put it up on the front monitor," Destro ordered.
"I give the orders here Destro!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Put it up on the front monitor."
"You know it just makes you sound ridiculous when you give the exact same order he does?" Crystal Ball asked. "Right after he does it?"
"Shut up!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I'm just saying you should pick your battles," Crystal Ball told him. "It makes you sound like a parrot."
"I wish you were a parrot," Cobra Commander snapped. "Then you would fly away!"
"If only!" Crystal Ball snapped back.
"Hey! Look what's going on!" Zarana pointed to the monitor.
"Is that a death ray down there?" Buzzer blinked.
"Nope, just a regular giant laser," Mindbender remarked. "Attached to a giant tank the size of Gillette Stadium."
"Not to be nitpicky," Tomax spoke up.
"But technically a giant laser is a death ray," Tomax added.
"Who asked you?" Cobra Commander snapped. "I'm seriously asking!"
"Okay…" The Baroness remarked. "So, there's already a group of people with a giant tank with a death ray on it?"
"Giant laser," Mindbender corrected.
"Same difference!" The Baroness snapped. "They both blow things up and kill people. See? The death ray laser just blew up an entire building!"
"What makes you so sure there's a group of people?" Zartan asked.
"Well I'm pretty sure one person can't operate a tank that size by remote control!" The Baroness snapped.
"Plus, there's a whole cavalry of guys wearing uniforms firing lasers alongside the machine," Zandar added. "Riding giant lizards."
"Point of order," Xamot spoke up. "Cavalry refers to horses. Not lizards."
"Technically that is not a cavalry," Tomax added.
"Who the devil made you two the English Language Police?" Destro snapped. "It's a regiment of what are obviously soldiers riding on some kind of animal! Calvary applies!"
"I'm not so sure it does," Tomax said.
"Cavalry ride horses," Xamot added.
"Those are not horses!" Tomax added.
"It doesn't have to be a horse as long as you can ride and shoot from it!" Zandar snapped.
"He's right," Cobra Commander agreed. "Back in Cobra La our cavalry rode giant lizards too!"
"See?" Zandar pointed.
"The name cavalry is derived from the French word meaning horse!" Tomax shouted.
Xamot added. "Based on the French word…Cheval! Horse! A group of men riding horses…Cavaliere!"
"I agree it's usually horses," Zandar spoke up. "But it doesn't always necessarily have to be horses!"
"In the Middle East they use camels," Buzzer added.
"That's right!" Zandar spoke up. "A camel cavalry!"
"Hannibal used elephants," Monkeywrench spoke up.
"Yes but…" Tomax began. "Technically they were more of a brigade than…"
"I DON'T FREAKING CARE!" Cobra Commander shouted. "We're calling it a lizard cavalry and that's that!"
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"The lizard cavalry just got blown up," Torch remarked. "By a couple of flying guys shooting lasers out of their eyes."
"One of those guys is a girl," Tiffany corrected.
"Oh yeah so she is," Torch remarked.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"There goes the death ray," The Baroness said. "Destroyed by one super strong guy just flying around."
"There's a whole bunch of super strong people flying around," Zarana pointed out.
ZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAPPPP!
"Some of them aren't flying," Tomax said.
"They just have some really big weapons," Xamot added.
"In other words," Cobra Commander mused. "We're in a world filled with superheroes with incredible powers."
"Powers that can kick our butts into next Tuesday," Torch blinked. "Whoo! That one froze an entire street!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"This is why I wanted to observe first," Destro remarked.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Good call, Destro," Cobra Commander blinked.
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Oooh," Mindbender winced. "That's gonna leave a mark."
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"So, we're in agreement that this dimension isn't for us?" Destro asked.
"I do admit that this dimension is way too much work," Cobra Commander nodded. "I mean first of all there's already a terrorist army trying to take it over."
"Who needs the competition?" Torch asked.
"Exactly," Cobra Commander nodded. "Plus, I wasn't going to say anything before but I noticed a few other drawbacks. The ocean is a lot smaller on this world. I'm not too crazy about that."
"You do like a good beach front property," Zartan added.
"And I'm not too crazy about the design of the buildings in this dimension," Cobra Commander added. "That's a huge construction project right there that I don't think I want to put up with."
BOOOOOOOOOM!
"On the upside," Monkeywrench remarked. "You don't have to worry that much about demolition. That one flying bloke just blew up a whole building to trash the other flying bloke."
"Yes, but when you consider the costs of new construction…" Cobra Commander sighed. "It's just not what I'm looking for. I'm looking for something that doesn't have…Well…"
"The flying unbelievably strong and violent super heroes?" The Baroness asked. "That could kick our asses seventeen different ways and possibly kill us?"
"Yes, that," Cobra Commander nodded. "So we should…LOOK OUT!"
"AAAAHHHH!" Everyone screamed as a giant truck was headed straight towards them.
"HARD TO PORT! HARD TO PORT!" Destro shouted.
"But we don't have any port!" Torch shouted. "I think we have brandy and scotch…"
"HE MEANS MOVE LEFT YOU IDIOT!" Zartan shouted as he did so, barely missing the truck.
"WELL THEN WHY DIDN'T HE BLOODY SAY THAT?" Torch shouted.
"SHUT UP!" Destro snapped. He saw another vehicle being thrown at him. "PORT!"
"Just say left dude!" Torch moaned as Zartan did a hard maneuver. "OW!"
"Who throws trucks?" Cobra Commander shouted. "Seriously?"
"I think that big blonde guy in the red white and blue suit over there is doing it!" Mindbender pointed. "Oh great! It's a musclebound flying superhero with super strength! I hate those guys!"
"Well yeah," Xamot said.
"You are a mad scientist," Tomax added.
"Superheroes are kind of your natural enemy," Xamot finished.
"They really cheese me off!" Mindbender agreed. He then mocked. "I'm such a goody-goody using my powers for good and truth and justice and bleaahhhhhh!"
"STARBOARD!" Destro screamed as another truck was thrown.
"To be fair," Zartan groaned as he maneuvered. "This guy doesn't seem to be that good."
"At least his aim isn't," Torch groaned.
ZAAAP! ZAPPP!
"AND OF COURSE, HE HAS LASER VISION!" Zartan shouted as he maneuvered, trying to get away from the hyperactive superhero.
"HEY! HEY! HEY!" Cobra Commander screamed. "STOP THAT! STOP THAT!"
"He can't hear you," Destro pointed. "You have to talk into the intercom!"
"THANKS A LOT CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!" Cobra Commander shouted into the intercom.
"I'm Captain Incredible!" The musclebound hero called out. "Not Captain Obvious! I can't even stand that guy!"
"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?" Cobra Commander roared on the intercom. "WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU!"
"We didn't get a chance to," Torch agreed.
"Aren't you working with Dr. Despair?" Captain Incredible blinked.
"Who the hell is Dr. Despair you muscle bound moron?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"You don't know?" Captain Incredible blinked. "You're not with him?"
"NO!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Well then who are you?" A flying woman with purple hair and a purple revealing uniform flew up.
Another flying superhero, this time a man in a green Iron Man type suit flew up. "Yeah we saw you guys just hovering there doing nothing and we were wondering if you were Dr. Despair."
"It can't be Dr. Despair," The flying woman said. "Heavy Metal here blew him up five minutes ago."
"Yeah they're scraping what's left of him off of the pavement," Heavy Metal agreed.
"So who are you guys?" Captain Incredible asked.
Destro quickly intervened. "We're an advanced race from another planet checking out other words to see if they're ready for first contact."
"Spoiler alert!" The Baroness added. "You're not!"
"We were just sitting here…" Cobra Commander ranted. "Minding our own business…"
"Hovering actually," Destro corrected.
"WHATEVER!" Cobra Commander shouted. "We were minding our own business and then we see all this commotion so we figured we'd check out what was going on and the next thing you know there are all these explosions and then some idiot is throwing trucks at us! TRUCKS! WHO DOES THAT?"
"Well we could have just used a cloaking device," Mindbender added. "Then they wouldn't have seen us."
"This ship has a cloaking device?" Cobra Commander asked. "Okay I would have liked to have known about that earlier!"
"In the future we should use that," Destro remarked.
"You think?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Look we are really sorry," The flying woman said. "Captain Incredible is an idiot."
"HEY!" Captain Incredible snapped.
"Truth hurts, idiot," The flying woman said.
"Princess Purple is right. You do have a habit of throwing trucks around without thinking!" Heavy Metal snapped. "Remember last month when you thought that building was a secret evil villain hideout?"
"It was Lehman Brothers!" Captain Incredible snapped. "I wasn't a hundred percent wrong!"
"And the other time when you shot down an orphanage?" Princess Purple snapped back.
"And by shooting down an orphanage," Cobra Commander spoke up. "You mean he blew up a ship and that ship crashed into an orphanage burning it down?"
"Exactly," Heavy Metal nodded.
"I've seen that happen," Zartan nodded.
"Okay we're out of here!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We were gonna give you guys the cure to cancer and a bunch of other diseases but forget about it! Just forget about it! Zartan get us out of here!"
"No! No! No! No! No!" The heroes pleaded. "No! Please!"
"Nope! My mind's made up!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Get us out of here! Now!"
The spaceship zoomed off. The other two heroes glared at Captain Incredible. "Way to go Captain Clueless," Heavy Metal told him.
"You are so going to get your hero license revoked for this," Princes Purple glared at him.
"Not again…" Captain Incredible moaned.
"I told you we should have revoked it right after the orphanage incident," Heavy Metal said.
"You're never going to cool with that are you?" Captain Incredible groaned.
Meanwhile back in the ship…
"But we don't have the cure for cancer…" Mindbender spoke up. "We do have many ways to cause cancer but…"
"They didn't know that!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I just wanted to rub salt in the wound! And they deserve it! Treating Cobra like a bunch of criminals!"
"But we are a bunch of criminals," Zandar pointed out.
"They didn't know that!" Torch spoke up. "They just assumed we were bad guys!"
"It's not like the Joes," Buzzer added. "Who know us! It's one thing if they attacked us first."
"We have a thing with them," Monkeywrench nodded. "That's totally different. These blokes just attacked us for no reason."
"I get what you're saying," Zartan said. "Okay technically these people were right…But…"
"There is such a thing as manners," Torch added. "That's all I'm saying!"
"They were rather rude blokes, weren't they?" Ripper asked.
"Very," Tiffany nodded.
"New filter," Cobra Commander groaned. "I'd like to remove those dimensions that have super powered egomaniacs from the list!"
"Putting it in right now," Mindbender worked on the machine. "No superheroes."
Remaining number of dimensions: 303.
Current dimension: 52
"This dimension looks interesting," The Baroness remarked. "The sky is purple. There are two suns…But there's green everywhere."
"Well the other sun is a lot further away from the first one," Crystal Ball pointed out. "And the oceans are purple. Not to mention there's a casino in every city."
"I like this dimension already," Cobra Commander grinned.
"They're having a giant alcohol festival of some sort down there," Zartan noticed the monitors. "Hooch-Mania."
"Take her down Zartan!" Cobra Commander called out. "We're going to do some recon!"
"Are you sure that's wise Cobra Commander?" Destro asked. "Remember what happened in the last dimension?"
"Relax Destro," Cobra Commander waved. "There are no super heroes in this dimension. Only alcohol. This will be fine!"
ONE WEEK LATER…
"That was a disaster," Destro moaned. His right hand was bandaged and he had several feathers all over him.
In fact, all the Cobras were covered in feathers, food stains and had bandages on their person. There were also several bottles of alcohol scattered around. Some of them broken and/or half empty. And a purple chicken strutting around.
"I don't know what happened," Mindbender sighed. His head was bandaged. "I was sure that I removed superheroes from the list."
"You neglected to remove supervillains from the list," Zartan glared at Mindbender. He had a black eye and several bruises. "And they were not too happy we poached on their territory."
"I wouldn't technically call those people super-villains," Mindbender pointed out. "They were just a bunch of criminals with really powerful weapons and in some cases superhuman abilities."
"That is literally the very definition of supervillain!" The Baroness screamed. Her arm was in a sling.
"Okay! That was my bad!" Mindbender snapped. "Sor-ry!"
"Why did we take the chicken?" Tiffany noticed the bird.
"You mean other than Zartan?" Crystal Ball quipped.
"You know…?" Zartan snapped.
"To be fair Zartan," Zandar sighed. "What happened at the lair of Demantra the Destroyer was not your finest hour."
Zartan shot back. "I'd like to see how poised you'd be when a super powered villainess threatens to cut off your testicles with a pair of giant garden shears!"
"Told you those backhanded compliments to get her guard down so you could date her wouldn't work," Torch shook his head.
"SHUT UP!" Zartan shouted.
"Again, why do we have the chicken?" Tiffany pointed.
"It must have followed us from Demantra's lair," Zarana remarked. "She had a whole bunch of those things."
"I guess like attracts like," The Baroness sneered.
"Why would a super powered crime lord raise chickens?" Tomax asked aloud.
"Maybe they're a hobby for her?" Mindbender shrugged. "It's obviously a mutant chicken so…"
"Right," Xamot groaned. "This from the guy who makes super powered man-eating blobs to relax."
"We will never speak of what happened in Dimension 52," Cobra Commander ordered. "As far as I am concerned, Dimension 52 never happened!"
"Technically it no longer exists," Torch spoke up. "What with the nuclear bombs and a couple of Eddie Juniors and that black hole Mindbender made…"
"In my defense," Mindbender spoke up. "The black hole was not my creation! I only tried to harness its power."
"And ended up making it ten times bigger and more powerful," Destro glared him.
"I'm not the one who set the oceans on fire!" Mindbender snapped.
"Well how the hell was I supposed to know that these oceans were flammable?" Destro shouted. "To be fair, I was trying to get rid of the zombie lions. Which were Cobra Commander's idea!"
"New filter Mindbender," Cobra Commander said. "Any dimension remotely similar to 52 will be purged! From our list. Because you know, technically we already purged Dimension 52."
"As you wish," Mindbender sighed. "Although I will miss that continent entirely made of chocolate pudding."
"You're welcome!" Monkeywrench shouted.
"Oh, dear God why am I still with these people?" The Baroness groaned.
"We ask that question about you all the time," Crystal Ball quipped.
Remaining number of dimensions: 233
Current dimension number: 233
"Wow, what are the odds of that?" Crystal Ball asked. He was being held by Tiffany. "The number of dimensions left matching the number of the dimension we're in."
"Ugh…" Cobra Commander groaned as the Cobras emerged from the ship. "At least this ship has a good medical unit that fixed us all up."
"Why are we just walking around?" Destro asked. "After what happened the last few dimensions…?"
"Because I need to stretch my damn legs!" Cobra Commander snapped. "These dimensions are crazier than ours!"
"All the more reason not to…" Destro began.
"Gobble! Gobble!"
"What the…?" Destro looked to his left and saw a flock of turkeys.
"Is it Thanksgiving?" Torch asked.
The turkeys then looked at them. Fangs popped out of their beaks. "GOOOBBBBLLEE!"
"Yeah and we're the main course!" Zartan gulped. "RUN!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" The Cobras ran for their lives into the ship and got in before the vampire turkeys got them.
"Get us out of here! Get us out of here!" Cobra Commander ordered.
"Gladly!" Zartan groaned. "The last thing we need is an attack by vampire turkeys!"
"Vampire turkeys?" Torch blinked. "Hang on, that sounds familiar to me for some reason."
"Blood Wing can you…?" Zandar did a double take. "Where is Blood Wing?"
"He's not with us?" Zartan blinked. "Huh…"
"How long has he been missing?" Destro asked.
"Uh…." Xamot and Tomax looked at each other.
"We left him behind in Jamaica," Crystal Ball admitted.
"You didn't say anything?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"You didn't notice?" Crystal Ball shot back.
"Fair enough," Cobra Commander shrugged.
"Boy it's weird not being the one forgotten about for a change," Zandar remarked.
"Kind of harder to forget you now," The Baroness snapped. "With all your whining!"
"New filter," Cobra Commander moaned. "No more vampires!"
"Removing vampires," Mindbender sighed.
"I'd also like to suggest a rule," Destro said. "No getting out of the ship unless we're sure we're not going to get eaten!"
"Agreed!" The Crimson Twins said as one.
"It does seem like a good rule," Mindbender admitted.
"Yeah us Dreadnoks ain't much on rules," Buzzer spoke up. "But even we can agree that's a good one!"
"That and never walking in on Tiffany when she's in the bathroom," Ripper added.
"Even I can agree to that one," The Baroness groaned.
"Fine! No getting out of the ship!" Cobra Commander groaned. "Or walking in on Tiffany when she's in the bathroom! The things I do to make you people happy! Next!"
Remaining number of dimensions: 43
Current dimension number: 444998800307
"Boy when you take out the vampires, it really narrows it down doesn't it?" Mindbender remarked.
"Okay," Cobra Commander sighed. "Let's give this dimension a go. What's the falderal Crystal Ball?"
"Well this dimension is pretty much like our normal dimension," Crystal Ball told him. "Except there's no GI Joe. No mutants. No vampires. No superheroes or supervillains. No zombies…"
"So, it's a nice peaceful little dimension," Cobra Commander asked.
"Well yes," Crystal Ball nodded. "If you don't count the giant sheep."
"The what now?" Cobra Commander did a double take.
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! BAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Ohhh…sheep," Destro's eyes widened as he saw some sheep the size of Gillette Stadium wander by.
"Those are big sheep grazing on that forest," Zarana remarked.
"That's more than three bags full of wool right there," Torch blinked.
"I guess the upside is there's no shortage of mutton," Destro remarked. "Or lamb chops."
"Actually, funny thing about these sheep," Crystal Ball remarked. "Their wool creates so much static electricity…It creates real electricity."
"Wait what…?" Destro did a double take.
"I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that," Mindbender sniffed.
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"
"Oh," Mindbender blinked as some lightning emerged from the sheep and hit several trees. "I guess it does work like that."
"Ooh! Look at the nice fires!" Torch grinned. "I like this world!"
"I DON'T!" Cobra Commander snapped.
KA-FLASH!
"AAAAHH!" Cobra Commander screamed as a blast of lightning nearly hit the ship. "COBRA RETREAT! RETREAT!"
"Before we get our butts kicked by sheep," Zarana groaned. "This is a new low."
"Think we can't get any lower?" Crystal Ball quipped. "Just wait."
"That's what I'm afraid of," Destro moaned.
Remaining number of dimensions: 42
Current dimension number: 1233333
"Okay this is a post-apocalyptic reality," Crystal Ball explained. "Where a brutal government forces teenagers into a fight to the death once a year to punish the colonies for a rebellion their ancestors committed about a century ago."
"Finally!" Cobra Commander sighed. "Some decent entertainment for a change!"
"Every year the government of the country of Menap puts on a mandatory show for the people to watch," Crystal Ball added. "Forcing teenagers to fight to the death in gladiatorial style games. It's on every channel this time of year."
"You already sold me," Cobra Commander piped up. "That's what I want to see. Just as long as they don't ruin it with some kind of sappy love triangle subplot. Those are the worst!"
"I agree," The Baroness nodded. "That totally ruins a good murder fest for me."
"Me too!" Buzzer said.
"I don't know," Torch remarked. "I think those are pretty good. Then again I've always bit a bit of a romantic."
Buzzer looked at him. "Your idea of romance is to ask a girl if she wants to shag before you buy her drinks!"
"Well I'm not gonna waste good money on a chick that won't put out!" Torch snapped.
"That's just common sense," Cobra Commander agreed.
"There is logic in that I will admit," Destro shrugged.
"You're all disgusting you know that?" The Baroness groaned.
"Now you know why I switched," Tiffany said.
"And knowing is half the reason I don't date any of you lunatics!" Cobra Commander groaned.
"What's the other reason?" Destro asked.
"I'm not stupid enough to date a co-worker," Cobra Commander looked at him.
"BURN!" Torch whooped.
"Turn it on!" Cobra Commander said. "I want to watch this!"
"Kids killing kids," Ripper quipped. "Who can't find entertainment in that?"
"Oh, here it comes!" Cobra Commander pointed. "Quiet!"
A male announcer with purple hair in an odd shape with a sequined purple jacket was on stage. "And now…The moment you've all been waiting for. When the finest young people of Menap will fight and compete for the title! Who will survive…Menap Idol!"
"We are the champions my friends!" A group of teenagers in sparkly costumes came out singing. "And we'll keep on fighting till the end! We are the champions! We are the champions!"
"What the hell?" Ripper shouted.
"A singing competition?" Cobra Commander shouted. "What the hell is this? Where's all the murder and mayhem?"
"I think my information is a little dated," Crystal Ball blinked.
"YOU THINK?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Hang on," Crystal Ball looked at a book that materialized in front of his face. "Huh. They changed it two years ago. The Murder Games are now Menap Idol."
"Why?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Why did they change it?"
"Let me guess," Tiffany said. "A plucky teenage girl had something to do with it? Am I right?"
"Nope. It was because the ratings were really bad," Crystal Ball said. "And the sponsors have been dropping like flies. Because you know? More people were watching other things."
"How can ratings be bad when viewing these games are mandatory?" The Baroness snapped. "And it's on every channel?"
"Apparently people in this dimension have figured out streaming and cable," Crystal Ball shrugged. "Plus, the international pressure probably got to them."
"International pressure?" The Baroness asked.
"You didn't think that this country was the only one that survived the apocalypse, did you?" Crystal Ball remarked. "In fact, a lot of other countries were barely scathed. Mostly Australia and New Zealand."
"Oh yeah!" Ripper grinned. "We rule! We rule!"
"Apparently the sanctions South Africa put on Menap were really killing their trade and hurting the economy," Crystal Ball remarked. "Which is quite ironic if you think about it."
"Do the losers at least get killed?" Buzzer asked.
"No," Crystal Ball shook his head. "Just less lucrative contracts."
"Aw man," Buzzer groaned.
"Seriously though," Zartan asked. "International pressure is what stopped the teenage murder games?"
"It was one reason," Crystal Ball explained. "Apparently this universe's versions of Beyoncé, Elton John, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Michael Bublé, Josh Groban, and the Kardashians all decided to not only not play in Menap again until the games stopped, they put out an album protesting it. Produced in South Africa. Again. Irony."
"Seriously?" Destro asked.
"It says in my book Save the Children was the top ten International Album for almost two years," Crystal Ball said. "It went triple platinum."
"A music album played a major role in stopping the murder games?" Cobra Commander was stunned.
"There were other factors. Apparently the public was also getting tired of the ridiculous love triangles and boring romantic subplots among the contestants," Crystal Ball added. "It was kind of getting predictable. As well as the whining."
"That would do it," The Baroness nodded.
"Plus, you know?" Crystal Ball shrugged. "A lot of little kids were getting killed and that never really plays well no matter how you slice it. Ironically it was a lot of little cute girls getting sliced on TV that really upped the outrage factor."
"Well then lift up the age limit to when they're old enough to be annoying!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Then no one will care if they kill each other off!"
"Except for the parents," Destro remarked. "Well some of the parents anyway."
"It's not a total loss," Buzzer shrugged. "Some of these kids have some decent chops. We could watch this."
"Or blow up the place," Torch added. "Like what was supposed to happen!"
"Forget it," Cobra Commander waved. "This dimension isn't even worth wasting lasers and missiles on!"
Remaining number of dimensions: 41
Current dimension number: 3445000
"What is wrong with this dimension?" Cobra Commander looked at the monitor. "Everybody looks so…square."
"Literally," Destro remarked. "Their faces are more like boxes. In fact, they look like they came from a video game."
"Let's get a closer look," Cobra Commander motioned. "Weird."
"Hey have you noticed there are barely any stars in this dimension?" Buzzer realized something.
"You're right," Mindbender noticed. "I wonder why that is?"
"Who cares?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Huh. Okay I admit this dimension is weird with all the box shaped people. And there are things lying all over the place. And that one guy over there is playing golf with eggs for some reason. But other than that…"
Just then some loud strange music blared all around them. "Strewth!" Torch grabbed his ears. "That's loud!"
"Why is weird Japanese music playing so loudly?" The Baroness shouted.
"It's catchy," Mindbender bobbed his head in time with the music.
"It's annoying," Zartan said. "But other than that…OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?"
"It looks like a huge ball made out of…" Destro's eyes widened. "EVERYTHING!"
"What do you mean every…?" Cobra Commander did a double take. "WHAT THE HELL?"
"A giant ball rolling around made up of buildings, people, trees and every object known to man!" Mindbender gasped. "Are those fish?"
"EVASIVE MANUVERS!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"GO! GO! GO!" Destro shouted.
"I'M TRYING!" Zartan shouted. "THAT THING IS HUGE! I AM TRYING TO DODGE IT BUT…"
CLUNK!"
"WHHHHHHHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Zartan screamed as the ball caught the starship.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" The Cobras screamed in panic as they were caught and started spinning around and around.
"Oh God I think I'm going to be sick!" Monkeywrench moaned. "Here comes the ground! AAAH! And now I see the sky again! Here comes the ground! Now I see the sky again!"
CLUNK!
"As well as a bloody forest stuck to our windshield!" Buzzer screamed.
"It's like we're doing summersaults…" Xamot whined.
"That's out of our control!" Tomax added.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Monkeywrench screamed as he was flung out of his seat and hit the wall behind him.
"Wait a minute," Crystal Ball stopped. "Why am I screaming? This is basically how I travel most of the time!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Monkeywrench screamed as he was flung forward and hit the windshield face first. Then he was flung back again.
"WHOOAAAAA!" Suddenly Crystal Ball was flung backwards out of his seat. He whammed right into Monkeywrench's stomach. "I'm okay!"
"Oooohhh…" Monkeywrench moaned before he and Crystal Ball were flung forward.
"WHAT KIND OF CRAZY ASS DIMENSION IS THIS?" Zarana screamed as she held on for dear life.
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed when he noticed some cows stuck outside the window. "GET US OUT OF HERE! GET US OUT OF HERE! RETREAT! RETREAT! RETREAT ALREADY!"
"I'M TRYING!" Zartan worked the controls.
"TRY HARDER!" Destro shouted. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Monkeywrench was flung forward again.
"ALMOST THERE!" Zartan shouted. "JUST A LITTLE MORE POWER!"
"DON'T DO IT WHEN WE'RE ON THE GROUND!" The Baroness screamed.
"I WON'T!" Zartan shouted.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Monkeywrench was flung backwards.
"NOW!" Zartan punched it.
KA-RUNCH!
"FLY STARBOARD! FLY STARBOARD!" Destro screamed as the starship managed to break free, scattering debris and people everywhere.
"JUST SAY RIGHT!" Torch yelled.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Everyone screamed as Zartan flew the starship to the right while the rolling ball of everything turned left down a crowded street. The ball picked up buildings, cars and people along the way.
"We made it!" Zarana gasped. "We got away from that thing!"
"We also have a cow still attached to our spaceship," Destro noticed as he looked out the window.
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"That thing is hanging on by its hooves," Tiffany remarked.
"I'm okay…" Monkeywrench was heard from the floor. "Owie…"
"Well this is comfortable," Crystal Ball was on Monkeywrench's stomach.
"What the blazes is that?" Zandar pointed.
"My spleen…" Monkeywrench moaned. "I think…"
"No! That!" Zandar pointed.
A giant man with a rectangular head and a crown was now holding the entire ball of things. The ball hovered into the air from his hand and then exploded, turning into a bright shining star in the sky.
"Did that weird giant rectangle head guy just turn everything into a freaking star?" Zarana yelled.
"He did," The Baroness gasped. "Apparently in this dimension everything is basically star fodder! For giant cosmic weirdoes…"
"Commander…" Destro looked at him.
"I know! We're out of here!" Cobra Commander groaned. "Add whatever this is to the list Mindbender!"
"Good idea," Mindbender did so.
"But first…" Cobra Commander sighed. "Let's bring in the cow. What? We already have a chicken! Might as well get some free milk or steak out of this!"
Remaining number of dimensions: 40
Current dimension number: 24
"Okay we put the cow in the hold with the chicken," Buzzer said as he and Ripper returned to the bridge. "Replicated some hay and chicken feed. We're good. So, did we miss anything?"
"Literally nothing," Zarana sighed.
"What the hell is wrong with this dimension?" Cobra Commander snapped. "There's nothing here but giant Rubik's Cubes!"
Floating in the vastness of space were hundreds of Rubik's Cubes all different colors. "I wonder what would happen if we blew one up?" Torch mused.
"Torch no!" Destro shouted.
"Bombs away!" Torch shot some lasers and a missile at the nearest Rubik's Cube. "WHOO HOO!"
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Look at that!" Torch whooped as a cube exploded into hundreds of colorful squares. "I blew that up good!"
"Uh Torch…" Zartan pointed.
The other cubes started to glow and blow up. "Whoops…" Torch gulped.
"You wanna go?" Zartan asked.
"Yes, let's," Cobra Commander gulped as the cubes exploded. "I never did like that puzzle anyway."
Remaining number of dimensions: 39
Current dimension number: 11111223322231111111199999
"We're running out of dimensions," Crystal Ball remarked. "You know that, right?"
"Shut up!" Cobra Commander snapped. "What's the deal with this dimension?"
"Let me check my guidebook," Crystal Ball looked at it. "Huh. Basically, it's just populated by cats. Cats hunting and killing everything. Bugs, mice, rabbits, birds, fish. Fighting each other to increase territory for their colonies. Going into mines. Exploring. Killing more things."
"Sounds more like a fun game than a place to set up world conquest," Ripper said.
"Well I could always…" Mindbender began.
"NO!" Everyone else shouted.
"We've had enough of the mutant animals, thank you!" Zandar snapped.
"Again, why bother when we have the Dreadnoks?!" The Baroness said.
"NEXT!" Cobra Commander sighed.
Remaining number of dimensions: 38
Current dimension number: 999988800
"This dimension has nothing but blankets and quilts," Crystal Ball said.
True to his word, there were nothing but piles upon piles of quilts and blankets as far as the eye could see. "Well this is just a stupid dimension," Ripper grumbled. "And that's me talking!"
"So, pass?" Zartan asked.
"Let's just grab a couple of afghans and quilts," Cobra Commander suggested. "What? Sometimes it gets chilly at night!"
"Can we set fire to the rest?" Torch asked.
"Why not?" Cobra Commander sighed.
Remaining number of dimensions: 37
Current dimension number: 789
"Well we can't set anything on fire in this dimension," Zartan remarked as he looked at the endless fires and streams of molten lava on the monitor. "Basically, because everything is already on fire."
"So basically, this dimension is Hell?" Zarana asked.
"I've been in Hell with this lot for years," Destro remarked. "Not much of a difference actually."
"It can't be Hell," Torch pointed out. "If it was the dimension number would be 666!"
"He's right," Ripper said. "It's not Hell."
"Even I know that!" Torch agreed.
"Fine! It's Hell Adjacent!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Similar county, different zip code!"
"I think it is safe to say that this dimension is also out of the running," Destro remarked.
"There's probably not even any good bars in this world," Mindbender remarked.
Torch added. "If they were, they've all burned down by now."
"NEXT!" Cobra Commander screamed.
Remaining number of dimensions: 36
Current dimension number: 787
"This is an ice dimension isn't it?" Cobra Commander sighed as he looked at the monitor. Nothing but snow, glaciers and ice as far as the eye could see.
"Well let's see," Crystal Ball said sarcastically. "Ice. Snow. More ice. More snow. Even more ice…"
"You don't have to be sarcastic about it!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"I don't have to," Crystal Ball remarked. "It's a perk."
"It makes sense," Tomax said.
"The last dimension was fire," Xamot remarked.
"This one is ice," Tomax added.
"I'm guessing there are no bars in this dimension either huh?" Monkeywrench sighed.
"No," Crystal Ball shook his head. "But there are a lot of twenty-foot-tall ice monsters."
"RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"What exactly do ice monsters eat?" Ripper gulped.
"Pretty much anything they want," Crystal Ball admitted.
"NEXT!" Cobra Commander screamed.
Remaining number of dimensions: 35
Current dimension number: 785
"Broccoli?" Cobra Commander shouted as he looked at the monitors and outside the windows. "This entire dimension is filled with nothing but broccoli?"
"Apparently," Destro remarked at the sight of broccoli fields, giant trees of broccoli and mountains covered in broccoli."
"I get the fire and ice dimensions," Cobra Commander snapped. "They make sense! But a dimension full of nothing but broccoli is just stupid! THIS IS A STUPID DIMENSION!"
"Can we uh…?" Torch pointed.
"YES!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Blow it up! Wait! I have a better idea! Mindbender, we're going to need a couple of your Eddie Juniors!"
Ten minutes later…
"Wow," Mindbender watched. "Not only are the Eddie Junior's thriving, they're multiplying."
"Fine!" Cobra Commander sighed. "In the name of Cobra, we now have officially conquered the Broccoli Dimension! I'll take it!"
"Should we put a flag down there or…?" Torch asked.
"SHUT UP!" Cobra Commander screamed. "NEXT!"
Remaining number of dimensions: 34
Current dimension number: 665
"ANOTHER FIRE DIMENSION?" Cobra Commander screamed as he saw all the fire around him.
"At least this one is close to the right number," Torch pointed.
"SHUT UP!" Cobra Commander snapped. "What the hell is difference from the other dimension?"
"The other dimension had some kind of fire lizards," Crystal Ball said. "This one has fire monsters."
"RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRARRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"Like that one out there," Crystal Ball remarked.
"GET US OUT OF HERE!" Cobra Commander screamed. "NEXT!"
Remaining number of dimensions: 33
Current dimension number: 664
"ANOTHER FIRE DIMENSION?" Cobra Commander snapped as he saw the lava lake around him. "What is this? Some kind of fire urban development project?"
"What's different about this dimension?" The Baroness asked.
"Apparently instead of fire monsters there are fire people," Crystal Ball shrugged.
"There's a difference," Destro groaned.
"I like places that are hot but this is ridiculous," Torch remarked. "This is too much fire even for me! Wow. I just found my limit. Weird."
Cobra Commander groaned. "Mindbender, eliminate all fire and ice dimensions from the list! Seriously! This is getting ridiculous!"
"Getting?" Crystal Ball asked.
"Shut up!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And eliminate all the weird dimensions while you're at it!"
"Define weird," Mindbender blinked.
"Never mind," Cobra Commander groaned. "Stupid question. Just get rid of all the fire and ice dimensions."
"Hold the fire and ice," Mindbender nodded.
Remaining number of dimensions: 2
Current dimension number: 233322665559988
"TWO?" Cobra Commander shouted. "There's only two left?"
"Told you," Crystal Ball shrugged.
"To be fair," Mindbender spoke up. "You did put in a lot of filters."
"Well excuuuuuuuseee me for being picky!" Cobra Commander snapped. "What do we have left now?"
"This dimension is kind of homey," Crystal Ball remarked. "Nice open field. Easily placated inhabitants…"
"Is that a giant nose?" Destro pointed. "With arms and legs?"
"And dancing flowers?" Zarana blinked. "That is so weird."
"Really?" Destro asked. "The flowers are weird to you but the nose isn't?"
"Look at those rocks!" Xamot remarked.
"They're dancing…" Tomax winced.
"And singing…" Xamot added.
"Weird…." The Twins said as one.
"Again," Destro said. "Singing and dancing rocks bother you but not the nose? Living random body parts running around you don't find disturbing at all? I find it more disturbing than rocks and flowers! That can't just be me, right?"
"At least this world will be easy to take over," Mindbender remarked.
"I don't want it to be this easy!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Just blow it up Torch!"
"Blowing the nose!" Torch whooped as he sent out some missiles.
KA-BOOOOOOOOM! BOOOOM!
"What the…?" Torch did a double take. "I just made more flowers! And a dancing tree!"
"Try again," Zartan said.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! BOOOOOOOOM!
"Now I made some presents!" Torch said. "What the…? One of the presents turned into balloons! And a bicycle!"
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Do it again!"
BOOOOOOOOOM! BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"I made more dancing rocks," Torch said. "And a giant dancing teacup."
"And a boombox," Tiffany blinked. "They're all dancing now."
"Explosions create things in this world?" Cobra Commander shouted. "What kind of sick twisted place is this?"
"I don't know," Torch said. "Sounds like it would make a fun game."
"NOBODY ASKED YOU!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We can't stay in this world! To be a terrorist you have to destroy things! Not create things! If you can't destroy things what's the point?"
BOOOOOOOOOOOM! BOOOOOOOM!
"Hey! I made a house!" Torch whooped. "Ooh! It's a nice one too!"
"Everybody seems happy," Ripper said. "The nose is sitting on the new front porch."
"This is a nightmare," Cobra Commander slumped into his chair. "Forget the fire dimensions. This is Hell!"
"Let's jump to the last dimension, shall we?" Destro sighed.
"Why not?" Cobra Commander sighed.
Remaining number of dimensions: 1
Current dimension: 1
"One?" Cobra Commander snapped. "This is Dimension One?"
"Seems fitting," The Baroness looked around. "Nothing but white emptiness as far as the eye can see."
"It's like when God has writer's block," Destro remarked.
"These are my choices huh?" Cobra Commander groaned. "I don't want any of these crazy dimensions! But I have to chose one of them!"
"Or," Destro sighed. "New plan. We go back to our old dimension and use this ship and the technology we stole as an advantage to take over the world. After first making a stop at Greenland."
"Fine," Cobra Commander sighed. "But can we just see the Roman Empire dimension one more time? I think that one had potential."