Roman Holiday
"Hey," Torch realized when the spaceship came to a stop. "We're back in that Roman Empire universe."
"Very observant Torch," Cobra Commander groaned as he worked the controls. "You figured it out even though I said not even ten minutes ago that I wanted to come back to this dimension."
"We're not in Rome though," Destro realized.
"No, we're on a small island called New Pompeii off the coast of Italy," Cobra Commander said. "Crystal Ball told me about it."
"Why are we stopping here?" Destro asked.
"Two reasons," Cobra Commander told him. "We need a break from dimension travelling and this island hosts a lovely spa and hotel we can relax in for a few days before going back to our own dimension."
"It also hosts one of the biggest wineries in the entire Roman Empire," Crystal Ball added.
"There's the other reason," The Baroness rolled her eyes. "However, Cobra Commander this plan of yours has a flaw."
"Other than the fact I'm with you lot?" Cobra Commander snarked.
"I think that is her point," Zartan said. "We don't exactly blend in with the locals."
"Just say we're foreign dignitaries from the Kingdom of Cobra La in the north," Cobra Commander waved. "They'll buy that."
"Technically Cobra La doesn't exist in this dimension," Crystal Ball pointed out.
"They don't know that!" Cobra Commander snapped. "There's plenty of other countries in this world, right? What about America? Did the Roman Empire conquer that too?"
"No," Crystal Ball shook his head. "The Native Americans did."
"But there are other countries, right?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Oh yeah," Crystal Ball nodded. "China and Japan are big power players in this world. And Egypt. And there are several smaller countries."
"So, we'll say we're from one of them," Cobra Commander waved. "Close to Canada. What's Canada in this dimension?"
"It's called the Nation of The First Peoples," Crystal Ball said. "Which encompasses not only all of Canada but most of the United States."
"So the Nation of the First Peoples is like our America," Destro surmised.
"If by like Our America you mean it's become a diverse technologically advanced society then yes," Crystal Ball said. "Only there were about fifteen minor Civil Wars and a lot less racism. Actually, it's more like our Europe now. And the Roman Empire is more like the United States. Except that it didn't conquer all of Europe. Parts of Great Britain, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, Norway and Sweden are all separate countries."
"What's the non-Roman Empire Europe like?" The Baroness asked.
"Think the worlds of Asterix The Gaul, Ooo, Asgard and Disney World combined," Crystal Ball told her. "It's a little weird."
"No kidding," Destro groaned. "Let's just go to the winery, shall we?"
"Yeah I want to check out those Roman baths at the spa," Torch said.
"You want to voluntarily bathe?" Zartan asked.
"Well I am getting a little whiffy," Torch admitted.
"And that's him saying it," Buzzer pointed out. "Come to think of it, I could do with a wash too."
"Yeah," Ripper wrinkled his nose. "I ain't been smelling right since the lemur dimension."
"You haven't been smelling right since the 80's," Zartan told them.
"Let's just check in, shall we?" The Baroness sighed. "Hang on, none of us speaks fluent Latin."
"Technically I do," Cobra Commander admitted. "But I see your point. Besides I have a translator in my helmet."
"What about the rest of us?" Destro asked.
"Why should I care about that?" Cobra Commander asked.
Mindbender spoke up. "I have some translators we can put in our ears. Not only can we understand everything spoken in another language, the people speaking the other language can understand us. It will be fine."
"Famous last words," Destro groaned as they prepared to land the ship.
A few hours later…
"Well that was relaxing," Cobra Commander sipped some wine through a straw in his helmet. He, Mindbender and Destro were relaxing in a Roman bar.
"Good thing we insisted on going first into the baths," Mindbender remarked.
"OH MY GOD!" A man screamed. "THE WATER HAS TURNED BLACK! BLACK! IT'S A SIGN FROM THE GODS WE'RE DOOMED! DOOMED!"
"OKAY!" Torch was heard screaming. "IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE HAD A DECENT BATH! YOU DON'T NEED TO MAKE A BIG PRODUCTION OVER IT!"
"Lucky for us, women have separate baths," The Baroness groaned as she walked over with Zarana and Tiffany. "Where's Crystal Ball?"
"I sent him to get polished," Cobra Commander waved. "Wait, Tiffany was…?"
"They have a separate area for transgender," Tiffany said. "And separate bathrooms too."
"Huh," Cobra Commander remarked. "Pretty progressive for a primitive society."
"Who are you to call any society primitive?" Zarana pointed out as they got some drinks. "Your people lived in walking crabs for houses!"
"Specially bred crabs!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Grown in a very lucrative crab ranch house market! Say what you will about Cobra La, but our economy had one of the most stable and affordable housing markets in history!"
"THE GODS HAVE FORSAKEN US!" Someone screamed. "DARKNESS! DARKNESS AND DEATH!"
"WHO THE HELL DO WE TALK TO IN ORDER TO COMPLAIN ABOUT CUSTOMER SERVICE AROUND HERE?" Torch shouted.
Cobra Commander went on. "And Cobra La did not have a homeless problem! If someone lost a house, all they had to do was either go to a nearby ranch or down to the beach to get a new one! Okay the occasional peasant or worker died trying to wrangle the wild ones every now and then…"
"REPENT! REPENT! THE HOUR OF DEATH IS UPON US!" Someone else screamed.
"HEY YOU'RE THE BLOKES WHO MADE THOSE BLOODY THREE BEAN SALADS!" Monkeywrench was heard.
"YOU HAD TO KNOW SOMEBODY WOULD GET A LITTLE TOOTY SOMETIME!" Ripper added.
"Cobra La was a perfect society that took care of its citizens," Cobra Commander sniffed.
"Didn't they force debtors into slavery?" Destro asked.
"Interesting definition of taking care of its citizens," The Baroness remarked.
"Well not the higher classes obviously!" Cobra Commander said.
"Ah right," Mindbender remarked. "They were considered citizens."
"Exactly," Cobra Commander nodded. "And not every peasant or debtor from the lower classes ended up as a slave. Some of them just ended up as servants for a couple of decades to pay off some debts. Plus, they had the option to either serve as gladiators or volunteer to be a religious sacrifice."
"OH MY GOD!" Someone else screamed. "IT KEEPS GETTING WORSE!"
"In Cobra La," Cobra Commander went on. "We had no homelessness and no panhandling. Well okay there was some panhandling during the Festival of Ba'Nek. But that was expected."
"WELL NOT THAT MUCH WORSE!" Monkeywrench snapped. "IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE TORCH!"
"HEY!" Torch shouted.
"I have to ask," Mindbender said. "What is the Festival of Ba'Nek?"
"A midwinter festival that celebrated piety and humility to the gods," Cobra Commander explained. "Ba'Nek was the Mother of the Gods and known for protecting children, the sick and the elderly. During the festival the Priests of Ba'Nek would set out bowls for offerings for Ba'Nek's temples. Those temples were responsible for running the hospitals and the orphanage. And the Gar-u-Ten, which was basically a rest home for high ranking generals or nobles whose families really didn't want them around."
"IT'S EVERYWHERE!" Someone else screamed. "THIS HORRIBLE BLACK MOLD IS GETTING INTO THE PIPES!"
"I AM…." Xamot was heard.
"SO GOING TO BE SICK!" Tomax finished.
"The alms from these donations," Cobra Commander went on. "Were not only considered a religious offering to Ba'Nek…They also paid funds for these particular buildings for the whole year."
"Like the Salvation Army?" Destro asked.
"Yes," Cobra Commander nodded. "Only with more animal sacrifices."
"And human ones apparently," Destro said.
"Technically we're not human," Cobra Commander groaned. "We're people obviously but not human. Human is indictive of your race."
"THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE TO BATHE MORE THAN ONCE A YEAR TORCH!" Zartan shouted.
"JOKE'S ON YOU!" Torch snapped. "IT'S BEEN ALMOST TWO YEARS SINCE I HAD A REAL BATH!"
"That explains why some of that black sludge looks alive…" Tomax was heard moaning.
"Should have went with Mindbender and the others…" Xamot finished. "You just had to go to the gift shop first didn't you, brother?"
"But yeah," Cobra Commander nodded. "We had people sacrifices during that season."
"I DIDN'T SEE YOU COMPLAINING!" Tomax shouted. "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BOUGHT ALL THOSE SNOW GLOBES!"
"YOU KNOW DAMN WELL I COLLECT THEM!" Xamot shouted.
"Actually, we had people sacrifices during every season," Cobra Commander remarked. "But again, mostly peasants and convicted prisoners so…"
"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST COLLECT SPOONS LIKE I DO?" Tomax shouted.
"SPOONS SUCK!" Xamot snapped. "SNOW GLOBES ARE FAR SUPERIOR!"
"OH MY GOD!" Someone screamed. "THE TOILETS ARE OVERLFOWING!"
"AGAIN!" Monkeywrench shouted. "THREE BEAN SALAD! COME ON! YOU BLOKES GOTTA ACCEPT SOME RESPONSIBILTY FOR THAT!"
"There's a separate hotel down the street," Destro remarked. "We may need to check into there."
"TAKE THAT! OWWWW!" Xamot shouted.
"WE CAN'T HIT EACH OTHER YOU MORON!" Tomax snapped. "HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED THAT LESSON WHEN WE WERE SIX? OWWW!"
"Already ahead of you," Cobra Commander sighed. "I had the concierge here do that for us."
CRASH! SMASH!
"I CAN'T HURT YOU!" Xamot shouted. "BUT I CAN HURT YOUR STUPID SPOONS!"
"DEATH! DEATH IS EVERYWHERE!" Another person screamed.
"YOU ARE OVERREACTING!" Torch shouted. "Okay that's a little disgusting even for me."
ZAAAP! ZAP! SMASH! SMASH!
"DEATH TO SNOW GLOBES!" Tomax shouted.
Destro calmly took a drink. "Good call."
Less than an hour later…
"Let's see…" Destro remarked as he looked at the assembled Cobras in another Roman bar. "We haven't been in this dimension for three hours and already we're responsible for a destroyed gift shop and a spa closing down for health reasons."
Torch shrugged. "You blokes may have a point about me washing up more than once a year."
"How did we get away from that without being sued?" Mindbender asked.
"Fake check, duh!" Cobra Commander said as he sipped his latest cocktail. "I deliberately put the date in two days from now. Gave them the old 'There's a Bank Holiday In My Country' line. They bought it."
"Seriously?" Ripper asked.
"This is not my first hotel scam," Cobra Commander told him. "We're just staying the night anyway. Rack up room service. Loot whatever we can get and sneak out in the morning."
"Then we go back to our own dimension?" Destro asked.
"Yes Destro," Cobra Commander said. "We go back and…And…What were we supposed to do again? I forgot."
"Greenland," The Baroness reminded him. "We're going to our old abandoned base in Greenland first."
"Yes, of course. We go to Greenland," Cobra Commander paused. "Why?"
"I forgot too," Mindbender admitted. "We have been dimension jumping for a while now. A lot longer than I thought we would."
"A cache of money…" Tomax reminded them.
"And alcohol," Xamot added.
"Some of our idiot employees are using," Tomax finished.
"Right! Of course!" Cobra Commander snapped his fingers. "Wow. That really slipped my mind there."
"We have been busy," Crystal Ball was on a chair. "On the plus side my crystal hasn't been shinier!"
"It looks clearer too," Buzzer said. "Looks good."
"Thank you for noticing!" Crystal Ball remarked.
Monkeywrench added. "You look like one of those fancy crystal things you'd find in a rich person's mansion."
"Oh, go on," Crystal Ball blush.
"It's true," Ripper said. "Kind of classes up the group now that I think about it."
"A minor miracle indeed," Destro groaned.
"Let's just relax and not worry about anything for one day," The Baroness sighed. "Just one day…"
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
They turned and saw several members of GI Joe wearing black clothing. Some had Cobra insignias on them. Duke, Scarlett, Lady Jaye, Roadblock, Airtight, Shipwreck, Falcon and Flint stared at them. "So much for not worrying," Zarana groaned.
"GET THEM!" Duke shouted. Surprisingly he had a long scar down the right side of his face.
"There goes our rest and relaxation!" Tiffany groaned as she dove for cover. Soon the entire bar was in a firefight.
"How the hell did you jerks find us?" Zartan shouted.
"YOU? YOU'RE THE ONES TRACKING US!" Scarlett screamed.
"NUH UH!" Torch shouted.
"You know we have them outnumbered right?" Buzzer shouted.
ZAAPP!
"YIKES!" Buzzer ducked as a laser blast singed his hair.
"Yeah but they're better shots," Tiffany said.
"It does kind of even the whole thing out," Ripper admitted.
"So much for us having some rest!" Roadblock roared. "Now we have to deal with these pests!"
"Why do you GI Jokers have to ruin everything?" Cobra Commander screamed as he shot at them.
"YOU'RE THE GI JOKERS YOU GI JOKE!" Duke snapped.
"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THAT!" Cobra Commander screeched. "THAT IS INSULTING ON SO MANY LEVELS!"
"Hang on," Zartan realized something. "When did Duke get a scar?"
Shipwreck did a double take. "When did Savero start wearing silver masks instead of gold?"
"The name is Destro!" Destro snapped. "Hang on…Why do you have Cobra insignias on your outfits?"
"Why do you have Cobra insignias on yours?" Lady Jaye shouted.
"Uh because we are Cobra Lady Jaye?" Destro shouted.
"I'm Duchess Jaye! Not…" The woman did a double take. "HOLD YOUR FIRE! HOLD YOUR FIRE!"
Everyone stopped. "What?" Duke shouted.
"Everyone on our side stop as well!" Destro ordered.
"Since when do you give the orders?" Cobra Commander shouted.
"Commander…." Destro groaned.
"Oh all right!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Dr. Airtight," Duchess Jaye said. "Remember when you said there was a possibility of cross dimensionalization?"
"You mean the theory of two or more universes overlapping?" Mindbender asked.
"That's right Mindblower," Duchess Jaye said.
"The name is Mindbender!" Mindbender snapped.
"Oh man," Dr. Airtight said. "I just figured it out. These aren't Joes! These are alternate Cobras that happen to look like Joes!"
"Wait, what?" Cobra Commander did a double take.
"They are from an alternate reality like we are," Destro explained. "Only over there the Cobras are GI Joes and vice versa."
"Oohhh…" Shipwreck said. "I was wondering why the Baroness wasn't a redhead anymore."
"And their version of Zarana is dressed like a biker stripper instead of a poofy princess," Duchess Jaye remarked.
"I'm a what?" Zarana snapped.
"Don't ask," Dr. Airtight groaned.
"And the Hard Knock Brigade is dressed like the cast of Sons of Anarchy," Roadblock added. "Clearly not our Joes as we can see."
"Your Roadblock rhymes too huh?" The Baroness asked.
"Yeah," Flint groaned.
"Hard Knock Brigade?" Torch did a double take. "We're the Dreadnoks!"
"No," Shipwreck shook his head. "I'm a Dreadnok. The leader of them actually."
"WHAT?" All the Dreadnoks shouted.
"If you're a bloody Dreadnok where are the rest of your crew?" Zartan shouted.
"Back in our old dimension," Shipwreck groaned. "Getting drunk and fighting about candy."
Zartan looked at the others. "He's a Dreadnok all right."
"Oh yeah," Buzzer nodded.
"Sounds like us," Zarana admitted.
"So you guys are Cobras like us…" Zandar realized. "Only you look like our GI Joe."
"Hang on," Cobra Commander did a double take. "Are you telling me there's a version of me that's a good guy?!"
"I find that hard to believe," Destro remarked.
"Well I wouldn't call him that good," Cobra Duke shrugged. "More like an incompetent drunk."
"That's more believable," Destro admitted.
"He's called Commander Joe in our universe," Duchess Jaye explained. "And in our universe you're known as Savero."
"Savero?" Torch blinked. "Oh I get it! That's the opposite of Destro! Because Destro's name has destroy in in. So your opposite has save in it! I get it now!"
"So we're all Cobras…?" Monkeywrench scratched his head. "Why are we shooting each other?"
"This does tend to happen among us more than we'd like to admit," Falcon shrugged.
"We are Cobras after all," Xamot agreed.
"What's a little firefight among colleagues?" Tomax agreed.
"You guys want to have a drink?" Cobra Duke asked.
"Why not?" Cobra Commander shrugged.
"You're kidding?" Destro blinked.
"Destro we have so few opportunities to network," Cobra Commander said. "I say we take advantage of it."
"Yeah we need a break," Roadblock said. "That stupid electric sheep dimension was more than we could take!"
"You had a problem with them too?" Zartan asked.
"We were nearly fried to a crisp," Falcon said.
"Us too!" Zandar said.
"Let me take a wild guess," Cobra Commander sighed as they all got themselves drinks behind the bar. "Somehow you managed to acquire a spaceship that can fly into other dimensions as well. And now you're hopping around looking for other dimensions to conquer. Failing that, just rob and loot them. Am I close to the mark?"
"Spot on," Shipwreck said.
"We didn't need Crystal Ball to figure that out," Torch snickered.
"Hello!" Crystal Ball spoke up. "Thank you by the way for not taking me off my seat and giving me cover when the firefight broke out!"
"You're already dead!" Cobra Commander snapped. "What's the point?"
"I just got my crystal polished!" Crystal Ball snapped. "I want to stay shiny as long as possible!"
"Huh," Cobra Duke remarked. "That's like our dimension's Crystal Ball. Only he's still alive."
"Figures," Crystal Ball grumbled.
"So uh," Cobra Duke remarked. "We just started jumping around dimensions. Hit a few. Nearly got clobbered by other alternate versions of ourselves that were GI Joe…"
"You didn't eliminate the possibility of running into alternate selves into your trans-dimensional transporter?" Mindbender asked.
"You can do that?" Dr. Airtight gasped.
"Oh yeah," Mindbender said. "You can totally filter out pretty much anything."
"That's why we're going back to our dimension," Crystal Ball remarked. "These guys are so picky."
"Yeah, picky in the fact we don't want to die or get blasted by alternate Joes!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Or vampires. Or vampire turkeys. Or vampire unicorns."
"Vampire what?" Scarlett did a double take.
"Don't ask," The Baroness groaned as she took a drink.
"By the way, don't bother going to the sloth dimension," Cobra Commander groaned. "You don't want to know."
"Or the lemur dimension," Destro groaned.
"Or the ice monster dimension," Zarana groaned.
"Or the fire monster dimension," Zandar groaned.
"Or the cat dimension," Ripper spoke up.
"Or the dog dimension," Monkeywrench added.
"Or the fire people dimension," Tiffany sighed.
"Or the garbage dimensions," The Baroness groaned. "With the giant seagulls."
"Or the zombie dimensions," Torch added. "Even the ones where the zombies just sing and dance instead of killing people are just plain annoying."
Buzzer spoke up. "The dimension where Disney and Amazon rule the world is right out."
"Or the dinosaur dimension," Mindbender added. "Mostly because there's pretty much nothing left. That one was our bad."
"Or the giant moose dimension," Crystal Ball added.
"Or the lion dimension," Xamot spoke up.
"Or the antique store dimension," Tomax added.
"Or the dimension where people got rolled up into balls and turned into stars," Zartan added.
"Or Dimension Number 52," Cobra Commander groaned. "Do not go near Dimension Number 52!"
Cobra Duke blinked. "You guys have been around, haven't you?"
"You have no idea," Destro groaned. Then he heard a commotion. "Speaking of which, Lord what fresh hell is coming our way now?"
A group of Roman soldiers ran into the bar shouting and brandishing spears. Destro sighed before casually shooting a few of them with his blaster. "It's always something isn't it?"
"Tell me about it," Roadblock said as the alternate Cobras started to shoot the Roman soldiers with the regular ones. "Why are these guys having a hissy fit?"
"Uh because we had a huge firefight in a fancy bar with weapons never seen in this dimension before?" Duchess Jaye gave them a look.
"You didn't think they'd send anyone to investigate when they saw the chaos and loud laser blasts?" Zarana remarked.
"Yeah but it's not like anyone died," Torch said. "Nobody dies during these things!"
"Ah hem," The Baroness pointed to a dead Roman bartender on the floor.
Torch groaned. "Oh, so it's our fault the bloke didn't know how to duck and cover?"
"We're not going to have some nice quiet drinks, are we?" Cobra Commander groaned as he shot a guard and killed him.
"Doesn't look like it," Destro remarked.
"I hate when this happens," Shipwreck sighed.
"Wanna loot this place together and cause a lot of chaos?" Cobra Duke asked.
"Why not?" Cobra Commander shrugged.
"Let's get the motorcycles from our ship," Torch suggested.
"Why?" Scarlett asked.
FLASHFORWARD!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Roman citizens fled for their lives as Buzzer and Ripper chased them on their motorcycles. They used their blasters to blow up everything in their path.
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" A brown shaggy goat with big horns was sitting in the front of Monkeywrench's motorcycle as he drove by.
"WHOOO HOOO!" Torch whooped as he drove through with his flamethrower, setting a lot of small vendors and other businesses on fire.
Destro casually strode by with Cobra Duke. Both of them were carrying some sacks of gold and other valuables. "Now I understand why the Vikings loved to terrorize my ancestors so much. Well, until my relatives learned how to make better weapons."
"It does make you long for simpler times doesn't it?" Cobra Duke sighed. "Oh wait…"
"Did you know these Romans use actual gold coins?" Tomax grinned as he carried some large bags.
"And actual silver pieces," Xamot carried some more bags.
"We just figured that out yes," Destro remarked.
BOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"There goes the police station," Cobra Duke remarked. "Good work Duchess Jaye and Shipwreck!"
"AAHHHHHHHHH!" More people ran for their lives from the blasters of the Baroness, Scarlett and Zarana.
"You know," Tomax said. "As much fun as it is causing destruction and mayhem…"
"Perhaps we should stock up on some supplies as well?" Xamot mused.
"Way ahead of you!" Cobra Commander drove by using the space age style forklift to transport large vats of wine.
Crystal Ball was riding with him. "Let's ride, amigo!"
Destro sighed. "Trust Cobra Commander to not forget the essentials."
Zartan was heard. "TIFFANY! THAT IS NOT AN ESSENTIAL! PUT HIM DOWN!"
"But he's cute!" Tiffany was heard.
"I DON'T CARE!" Zartan shouted.
"BLOOP! BLOOP! BLOOP!"
Destro and the others casually looked over on another street as some people were being chased by some green and blue blobs. "You have Eddie Juniors too I see," Destro remarked.
Cobra Duke replied. "We call ours Little Kurts. Dr. Airtight's creation."
"Ah," Destro nodded.
"RARRRRR!"
"BLOOP! BLOOP! BLOOP!"
"Oh yeah," Destro remarked as he saw the blobs chasing some lions. "I completely forgot about the pet lions people have in this dimension."
"We still should get some food and other provisions," Xamot suggested.
"There is a bakery over there," Tomax pointed.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Correction…" Xamot sighed.
"There was a bakery over there," Tomax sighed as they saw the fire in the bakery.
Cobra Duke shouted. "WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU PEOPLE ABOUT NOT BURNING BUILDINGS DOWN UNTIL AFTER WE LOOT IT?"
"Eh I like my crust a little burnt anyway," Destro admitted.
Twenty-five minutes later the Cobras met up on a hill. There were now two spaceships nearby. Next to the Cobras was a smaller golden one. "Wow, yours is a lot smaller than ours…" Torch remarked.
"We were in a hurry!" Shipwreck snapped. "It wasn't like we had time to pick and choose!"
"That was fun," Cobra Commander remarked. He was holding Crystal Ball. "Nothing says Cobra like a day of looting and pillaging."
"And a lot of dead Roman coppers," Torch grinned. "And burned buildings."
"And some other dead people," Zandar said. "And more burned buildings."
"Cor, look at all this booty," Ripper pointed to the huge pile of stolen coins, jewelry, food and other items. "Where's the wine?"
"In the ship's hold," Cobra Commander said. "I took my cut."
"No surprises there," Cobra Duke remarked.
"It keeps him quiet," Destro sighed.
"We can just divide up the rest of the loot between us," Zarana remarked.
"Good idea," Cobra Duke looked at his team. They turned their weapons on the other Cobras. "How about we take everything and you get nothing?"
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"Should have seen that coming," Crystal Ball sighed.
"We really should have," The Baroness admitted.
"Dr. Airtight, Flint…" Cobra Duke remarked as he took the keyless remote from Destro. "Go into their ship and prepare it for boarding." He gave it to Flint.
"Yeah thanks for putting the booze in there," Shipwreck said as the two went inside the ship. "It'll save us some work."
"Makes it so much easier for us," Roadblock grinned. "And we can load the rest of this up with very little fuss."
"Besides your ship is bigger than ours," Duchess Jaye said. "We could fit our ship in it easily. Why have one spaceship that can jump between dimensions when you can have two?"
"You're going to steal our spaceship?" Cobra Commander screamed. "And just strand us here?"
"Well we are Cobras," Cobra Duke snickered. "I mean come on!"
"Yeah this is Cobra Behavior 101 here," Doctor Airtight snickered. A scream from the ship was heard. "What was that?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
"BUCK-KAWWWWW!"
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Oh right," Cobra Commander said. "We left the door open and the cow and chicken got out. We must have forgot to put them back in."
"You forgot to put them back in!" Crystal Ball snapped.
"BUCK! BUCK! BA-CAWWWW!" The blue chicken was on Flint's head, pecking away as he ran out of the spaceship.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Dr. Airtight screamed as he was chased by a square like cow with a red collar. "I SWEAR I DON'T EVEN EAT HAMBURGERS ANYMORE!"
"MOOOOOOOOOO!" The cow chased Dr. Airtight.
"Airtight you idiot!" Scarlett shouted as he ran towards the other Cobras. "YOU'RE HEADED RIGHT THIS WAY!"
"SCATTER!" Duchess Jaye screamed as they dove out of the way of the rampaging cow.
Our team of Cobras didn't let this opportunity slip by. Within seconds they rallied to attack their double crossers. Zarana and the Baroness knocked out Duchess Jaye with a punch. The Crimson Twins did a double kick to Falcon. The other Dreadnoks grabbed their weapons and started to shoot at the other Cobras. Tiffany snuck up from Roadblock from behind and grabbed him. Flint was now running from both the blue chicken and the Dreadnoks. Destro and Shipwreck were soon fighting.
Shipwreck made the mistake of hitting Destro in the head with a fist. "OWWWWW!" He grimaced, holding his hand.
Destro punched Shipwreck out cold. "Rookie…" Destro sniffed.
"YOU IDIOTS!" Cobra Duke brandished his weapon. "They're just stupid farm animals! They can't…YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOWW!"
Cobra Duke screamed as the brown shaggy goat bit him in the behind. "OWWW! OOWW!"
"Oh yeah," Monkeywrench remarked. "I stole a goat. I named him Chompers!"
"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!" Cobra Duke twirled around trying to shoot the goat that was hanging onto his behind tightly with its teeth.
"Good name," Zartan remarked.
"I figured he'd be our mascot," Monkeywrench grinned.
"AAAHH! GET IT OFF!" Cobra Duke screamed as the goat held on. "GET IT OFF!"
"I like him," Zandar remarked.
"He's a good goat," Zarana replied.
"Got a good grip too," Zartan remarked.
Cobra Duke ran by Cobra Commander. He used Crystal Ball to knock him on the head. Cobra Duke fell unconscious to the ground. "I've always wanted to do that," Crystal Ball remarked.
"Me too," Cobra Commander said. "Uh, you do have your uses after all?"
"Baahhh!" Chompers let go of Cobra Duke and went over to Monkeywrench.
"That will do, goat," Monkeywrench petted the goat. "That will do."
Roadblock broke away from Tiffany. "You don't have the clout to knock me out!"
"Hey Mental Block," Tiffany shouted. "Rhyme the word purple!"
"What?" Roadblock snapped. "You nurple! Uh flurple..? Uh…"
THUD!
Cobra Commander had used Crystal Ball again. "Purple doesn't have a rhyme you slime!" Crystal Ball whooped.
"Oh, don't you get into that habit!" Cobra Commander groaned.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Dr. Airtight was still running from the cow.
"I've got this one," Mindbender took out a small device. "I put an obedience collar on the cow." He pressed the button.
The cow stopped chasing Dr. Airtight. But Dr. Airtight kept running. Right into Tiffany's fist. "Great. Did you put a collar on the chicken?" Tiffany asked.
"BUCKAWWW! BUCKAWWW!"
"AAAAHHH!" Flint screamed as he ran around.
"Who puts a control collar on a chicken?" Mindbender asked. "That's dumb."
It wasn't long before the chicken was caught and all the other Cobras were knocked out on the ground. "HA!" Cobra Commander cackled. "That's what you get when you Cobras mess with…Cobra."
"Yeah it doesn't work when we say it to each other," Crystal Ball remarked.
"So new plan," Destro remarked. "We steal their ship and their loot and strand them in this universe."
"Works for me," Cobra Commander said cheerfully. "Why have one spaceship that can jump between dimensions when you can have two?"
Eleven minutes later…
"Wow we really packed up the spaceship and all that loot really fast," Monkeywrench remarked as the spaceship lifted off the ground.
"Well it helped that we had another spaceship that had a tractor beam," Mindbender explained. "We used that to load the smaller spaceship then put that spaceship in the hangar. Really maximizes storage space."
"BAAHHH!" Chompers bleated as it stood by Cobra Commander's command chair.
"Why is this thing not in the hold with the rest of the animals?" Cobra Commander snapped. "And why do we not put the Dreadnoks in with the rest of the animals?"
"He wanted to see the takeoff," Torch said. "It was the least we could do."
"The very least," Cobra Commander groaned.
"Chompers won't be lonely," Ripper said. "In addition to the cow and chicken we already swiped, we got a few more chickens and another cow. And one of those fuzzy donkeys with the wool and everything."
"How did you…?" The Baroness began when a scream interrupted her. "What was that?"
"Uh there's a bit of a commotion down there," Crystal Ball remarked.
"Put it on the monitor," Destro ordered.
Mindbender did so. "Huh, it seems the locals have regrouped. And gotten some Roman soldier reinforcements."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" The alternate Cobras were fleeing from an angry mob that was now shooting at them with arrows, rocks, frying pans and everything else they could toss at them.
"Cobra Behavior 101," Zartan grinned. "Always find a good scapegoat."
"BAAAHHH!"
"Not you, Chompers," Torch told the goat.
"We probably shouldn't have stolen all their weapons too," Zandar remarked. "I mean they are pretty defenseless now against the Romans."
"Maybe?" Zarana looked at her new blaster. "On the other hand, these blasters they had are pretty cool."
"And I did get this cool mini laser knife," Torch showed them. "Roadblock had it."
"I got one too from Shipwreck," Zandar admitted as he showed his. "You guys are right. These are pretty sweet."
"You can't have too many weapons," Destro shrugged. "That's what I always say."
"Ooh, now they're using the lions on them," Zarana pointed.
"RARRRRRR!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"That has got to hurt," Crystal Ball remarked. "Glad I don't have a corporeal body anymore."
"Why are they bringing out those large crosses?" Monkeywrench asked. "And all those nails? Is there going to be a mass or something?"
"Let's just say these Romans are still using a very effective, very gruesome method of execution," The Baroness remarked.
"They're going to nail those Cobras to a cross?" Tiffany did a double take.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"What's left of them," The Baroness remarked. "Wow, look how far Scarlett's head just flew…"
"We're not going to see them again, are we?" Torch asked.
"Even if we did come back to this universe," Tomax began.
"Which we're not," Xamot added.
"No," The twins said as one.
"Works for me," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Shame. We had so much in common."
"A little too much in common," Destro groaned.