Author's Note: How many chapters can I post before I actually write the one everyone wants? XD I'm not avoiding it I promise! On another note though, I am not Stephanie Meyer, and do not own anything related to the franchise. A chunk of the dialogue from this chapter is modified from Jasper's "Newborn" chapter in Eclipse, to keep some consistency. I felt it important to tell this Bella his story as well, as she would not have even remotely close to an idea of what Jasper has been through. I also felt that shortening it would lose any of the emotional impact that his story has and as we all know… Jasper's character revolves around emotions. I hope you enjoy it!
In the days that followed, Bella's mood was particularly chipper, despite the nearing deadlines. She smiled while flipping through reference books or doodling in her notebook, a procrastination tactic Jasper had observed on numerous occasions. Though, while she'd been in mostly bright moods, he'd also notice her sudden shift towards worry and curiosity when they were silent for too long.
It'd been several days since their talk in the car and Jasper knew she deserved more of an explanation than what he'd given her. He'd told her that he had a different upbringing than his siblings but he was sure that wasn't the part that was weighing on her. For someone with my upbringing, not being 100% aware of our surroundings can mean imminent death. He was pretty sure that was the part she was most concerned about.
While he knew it was in their best interest for Bella to be aware of the different lives vampires lead, he couldn't help but feel disappointed that Edward hadn't been more loose-lipped. Jasper had assumed he'd grown attached to Bella with her being already aware of the darkness in his past. He was afraid now of how her disposition may change towards him.
The potential of losing her put him on edge.
As usual, Jasper arrived early to save their preferred sitting area. Unlike usual, he made it a point to step in line at the café first. In the first minutes of the library opening, it nowhere near resembled when he'd first found Bella in the café. Several students were stationed at tables spreading cream cheese on their bagels and flipping through notebooks, others rushed out into the library with their coffees. The students were on a mission and, from the exhaustion Jasper felt creeping onto him, the pressure of looming finals was clearly encroaching on their sleep schedules.
When it was Jasper's turn to step up to the counter, he ordered a vanilla latte. Since he and Bella had started utilizing the library, on the rare occasions she had splurged for a drink, he recalled her showing up with a warm coffee beverage that smelled of vanilla. Given that he'd heard several students order a vanilla latte and the scent emitting from the cups they picked up smelled familiar, Jasper was fairly certain Bella had ordered such a thing before.
Jasper knew one coffee wouldn't be enough to make up for the horror story he would soon be telling her but he hoped it would offer a positive place to start from. Would she understand? Could she understand what he had been through?
Once he finished placing the order and stood under the "pick-up" sign at the end of the counter, he pulled his phone out, having heard it buzz in his pocket.
Peter
Chill Major.
Peter and his fucking hunches. The bastard had used his strange sixth sense to pick out a point where he was feeling particularly vulnerable, per usual. Jasper had been grateful in the past, for the most part, but did Peter have any clue about the shit storm that may rain down today? If not today, what about Wednesday? Chilling, Jasper felt, wasn't in his cards.
Jasper
Watch it or I'll have Char send some of your limbs to the poles so you can find out what chilling really means.
Jasper sent his reply rapidly, grabbing the drink he ordered for Bella as it was placed on the countertop and turning to make his way towards their favored table.
Bella rushed past the stacks that hid their table, blurting out an, "I'm so sorry, Jaz!" as soon as the blonde's head was in view. She'd been 20 minutes late for their study session, having missed the bus and needing to wait for the next. She flopped her bag onto the table, cringing at the thunk of her laptop hitting the wood.
Thankfully, Jasper didn't look too annoyed. In fact, he looked sheepish, which nearly made Bella do a double-take. What had she missed?
"Good morning," The way he smiled up at her wasn't particularly different from usual but it still sent her heart racing and made her stomach flip. Shit. She really needed to get that under control. There was no telling how long Jasper was going to continue being a gentleman about her feelings.
"I thought you might want a coffee this morning." His smile returned to the sheepishness she'd initially been greeted with. "I don't think it is quite as warm as it was when I initially ordered it."
Stunned, Bella turned her head towards the white to-go cup Jasper had pushed in her direction. She looked down at the cup, Jasper's hands still neatly tucked around it. Gratefulness and something akin to the admiration she usually felt flooded her. How was this even fair? How was she supposed to ignore her growing feelings for the guy sitting next to her when he treated her like this?
Fuck it. She decided. She'd try again the next time they hung out.
Grinning, and deciding to throw caution to the wind, she moved towards the seat adjacent to Jasper, foregoing her typical spot across from him. Blurting a quick, "Thank you!" and took the cup from him, feeling the lukewarm temperature of the drink through the thin walls of the cup. She took a long sip anyways, basking in the sweet notes of the vanilla latte she usually ordered. She turned her eyes back to him inquisitively, "How did you know I liked vanilla lattes?"
He tapped his nose before replying "Some good, old fashioned, deduction," he joked but his tone fell flat. "Is it still good?" He inquired.
Bella nodded emphatically, "Perfect."
As they studied, Bella could sense Jasper becoming restless. She thought vampires had no issues sitting still but Jasper seemed to be everywhere, yet unattached at the same time. He kept whipping out his phone with an annoyed look on his face before returning to typing up an essay of his own.
She wasn't sure what changed. If anything, she'd been the one with the off week, constantly feeling like she was flip-flopping between being overjoyed at the new revelations and worried she may lose him to some unseen source. Did he still need to fight for his survival? Was it the Volturi that made it so that he felt he couldn't lower any of his defenses? She thought of how in danger Charlie may be if even the Cullens didn't feel safe.
Sometime into the afternoon, both of them looked up from their work. Bella had picked up a bagel sandwich from the cafe downstairs around noon. Yet, she was desperate for another break, she couldn't work any longer.
Apparently, Jasper felt the same way because in the next few seconds he was putting away his laptop and clasping his hands atop the table. When Jasper met her eyes his expression was serious, very unlike the familiar way he had talked and joked with her in the past several weeks. Bella couldn't identify the emotion that lay there but he looked tired for a vampire, bags under his eyes emphasized by the gold that had darkened past bronze. She wondered when the last time was that he had been on a hunt.
She saved her document and shut her own computer down, clearing the space in front of her, before looking back to Jasper curiously.
His voice was solemn, jumping right to the point, "I was surprised to find out you did not know the story of my change. It is not a happy one, but none of ours ever are. I truly thought Edward would have used me as an example to scare you."
She shook her head wearily in response. Bella had been told of Carlisle's story upon her first introduction to the family but Edward had never mentioned any of his siblings' lives.
"I wish he had." Jasper's gaze caught her's again, a hint of something like desperation flashing through his eyes.
Jasper looked away to unbutton the pale blue sleeve of the arm resting closest to her and neatly roll it up to his elbow. He grabbed her phone from the table and turned on the flashlight, pointing it at his exposed skin.
Dozens, maybe hundreds, of curved lines crisscrossed across his forearm. Bella hadn't noticed the texture before but, with the harsh light so close to his skin, the texture stood in stark relief. The crescents, she realized, were the same shade as his already pale skin, only standing out because of their slightly raised nature.
Bella recalled the first time she had noticed a singular raised crescent on her own arm and gasped softly in horror. Her mind flashed with images of how so many bite marks could have marred Jasper's granite skin. Vampire after vampire had to have laid their teeth on him. She recalled Edwards telling her the only thing that can kill a vampire is another vampire. Were they trying to kill him?
She reached out to run her hand over the rippled texture of his skin, sorrow filling her when Jasper flinched and made to shrink away. He stopped when she spoke but did not relax back to his original spot. "Jasper," she whispered, "how did you get so many?"
When he continued, his voice was hard but a whisper of what it had been, Bella's ears strained to hear him speak and she scooched her chair closer to him. "You may have noticed that the family prefers to stick to the North. This is not just a preference because of the sunlight but also out of necessity. You see, the North is civilized compared to the South. There are covens as near as Arkansas that have spent a millennium fighting over territory."
"What territory?"
Jasper paused, looking away from her hand that rested gently on his forearm, to meet her gaze once more. "If you were to picture a population density map for the Western Hemisphere, there would be areas that are engulfed by red, a population so dense the dots all blend together. Vampires want to inhabit the same areas as humans. The denser the population, the easier time they have feeding." Jasper was unwavering in his stare, voice still low, waiting on her reaction, but Bella couldn't think. She was frozen. "We are perpetually thirsty, Bella and our family is one of few that even attempts to show restraint. For others of our kind, it would be unheard of to pass up an opportunity to feed, that is their whole existence. They want an area to feed undetected and the denser the population, the fewer people are noticed missing. Not that the Southern covens would care if the humans noticed or not. The only thing that keeps them in check is their fear of the Volturi."
Bella's mind spun trying to process all of this. She was suddenly anxious at the thought of coming across any other vampire. It seemed she was foolish to think James's coven was an outlier, and now, she realized, the Cullens were the outliers. Bella wondered if she was understanding Jasper's story correctly. What did this have to do with his upbringing?
Jasper continued before she had time to think that through, "At some point in history, a vampire realized that if he had control over an area with a high population density, he could feed nearly as much as he wanted within a night or a week, and no one would ever notice. Soon, others started making the same realization, they started plotting ways to take out their opponents. One vampire named Benito figured out a particularly effective way." Jasper grew tense, no longer meeting her gaze, as his story progressed. "At the start, Benito was a young vampire that no one had heard of before, yet, within days he massacred the covens that had claimed Houston and Monterrey."
Bella balked, wondering how one vampire could take a whole coven, let alone several. "How did he do it?"
"He created a newborn army." Jasper's statement was simple, but it sent chills down Bella's back. The term army, Bella knew, meant that there would be organized strikes against the enemy. "Newborn vampires, vampires that have just been turned, are incredibly strong, wild, and volatile. He was unstoppable until others caught onto his idea." Jasper continued to explain the development of what he called the Southern Vampire Wars. He explained how the armies couldn't keep stable numbers because the newborns fought constantly, how more and more vampires needed to be made. He told her about the utter chaos that developed in the South and the justice the Volturi had brought down upon anyone who harbored a newborn in the region. It was clear that he gave credit to the Volturi for the vampires' current ways of life, life without war spread across the planet. Yet, Bella had trouble equating this to the Volturi she had feared coming after her own father if he found out, or coming after her.
"When the Volturi retreated from the South and wars returned, the Southern covens were much more careful with who they selected for their armies this time around. With fewer daytime conflicts and more human villages remaining intact, the Volturi had little reason to return. They only intervene when vampires are stupid enough to draw the attention of the local human population. The Volturi let the careful ones continue..." Jasper trailed off, seemingly unable to make himself continue.
Bella finally built up the courage to ask, "Is that how you were turned?" Immediately, she regretted asking. If it was true, Jasper had been through more trauma than she could have ever imagined. She wished she could do something for him and knew the one thing she could have done was not asked. She conceded herself to gently running her fingers over his forearm. She knew the sensation must be different to a vampire but hoped it would still provide some level of comfort.
Jasper let out a heavy breath before launching into his early, human, life. He'd been born in Houston, Texas in 1861. Between his looks and his charisma, he was not only able to make it into the Confederate Army underaged but was skilled and progressed through the ranks far faster than older, more experienced men. "By the first battle of Galveston, I was the youngest Major in the army, and that wasn't even considering my true age." His smile felt a touch sarcastic and a darkness took over his features as he told her how he had been put in charge of evacuating women and children from the area.
"I funneled women and children out of the city, only stopping to make sure they were situated before heading back to Galveston. On my way back, I stumbled upon three women who I'd thought may have been stragglers. When I dismounted to offer my aid, I noticed they were very pale, even the girl who was clearly Mexican. I hadn't cared at the time, I didn't recognize them as a part of our party but it was in my head to offer them help all the same." Jasper described how one had taken interest in him, approaching until she was uncomfortably close. He had known when the brunette he called Maria snapped at the shorter girl that Maria was in charge. The girls had spoken as if he weren't there, arguing over who needed to leave and who was strong enough. "I hadn't known it at the time, but they wanted me for a part in their army. Maria changed me that night."
Bella's heart broke for Jasper in that moment. A chivalrous, duty-driven man had been sequestered by selfish women who she was sure wanted him around for little more than his experience and looks. There had been no choice for him.
Jasper sent a worried look her way, furrowed browns finally helping Bella realize why he'd been so off. Jasper had been nervous, Bella realized. He had to be nervous over the way she would react.
Her heart hurt for him and she moved her hand to gently squeeze his. He tensed, not the reaction Bella had been hoping for. "Jaz," Bella tried soothingly.
She could feel him slowly inching away, pulling his hands out from underneath hers. "That's just the beginning Bella." His drawl was weak and he wouldn't meet her eyes, but he didn't remove his hand completely from hers. "There was a much worse fate for me after I was turned."
Bella listened in rapture as Jasper described the first years of his new life, growing more thankful every minute he had somehow gotten out of that mess.
"I won my battles against others in the same army and was rewarded. The times were chaotic, soldiers being replaced more frequently than any of our leaders would have liked but Maria had a good sense of character and put me in charge of the others, as if I were being promoted." He laughed sardonically.
When Bella asked how he was rewarded, Jasper withdrew his hand from hers, avoiding the question. She knew enough about history to assume it wouldn't be pleasant for her. If human men in the midst of war rewarded themselves with warm bodies, who was she to assume any different for the vampires? A sinking sensation filled her gut when she realized what more vampires would take from those warm bodies.
Jasper continued as if she hadn't asked the question. "Our newborn casualties decreased dramatically and our numbers swelled. She saw my ability to keep the recruits under control before my power was ever defined." Jasper told Bella of how, when he'd determined the recruits were ready, they'd snuck up on Maria's enemies in the dead of night. The fight was remarkably successful and the city changed hands without any human awareness. "Maria grew fond of me and more greedy by the day. In some ways, I worshiped the ground she walked on, I had no way of knowing there was any other way of life out there. But in me, she saw the potential for more power and I did her bidding."
Jasper seemed to grow in size as his demeanor hardened, sitting up straighter. He stared down at his forearm, resting Bella's phone on the table to graze his fingers of his free hand over his scarred skin. "The fighting intensified as the army took most of Northern Mexico and covens from the South came to dislodge Maria's control. I was the only original recruit left within 18 months of the start of the war." When Maria's associates, who Bella found out were named Nettie and Lucy, turned on her, Jasper helped her maintain control. He continued like that, helping Maria gain territory for years, disposing of the recruits when they outgrew their usefulness.
Bella cringed. These people had been subjected to the change only to be killed off mere months later, not in battle but because they no longer had the newborn strength and speed. How terrible did it make her to be grateful Jasper was the one disposing of the others and not the one being disposed of?
"I had gotten more of a grasp on what my gift had meant by that point, I still had no name for it but I was aware of others' emotions beside me and that I could influence them. As my life continued in that violent pattern, I grew sick of it. I could not stand the emotions I was forced to feel in the moments before the recruits were disposed of, or of the humans when I fed, for that matter."
Bella had been aware of Jasper's prior diet and she knew he had switched over to the Cullens' diet but something about picturing Jasper, suffering, while feeding on the helpless, shocked Bella. Jasper clenched his fist that remained on the table and Bella wanted nothing more than to reach out and take hold of it once more.
Jasper explained how, decades later, he had befriended a man named Peter, who was the only reasonably sane person Jasper could talk to. While the man had been particularly good at fighting, Jasper knew that he didn't take any enjoyment out of it. Jasper grew attached and Peter, against the odds, survived three years as a new recruit. Eventually, Peter was put in charge of babysitting the newborns, a job that corresponded with one of Jasper's many duties.
"When the time came to purge again, Peter was restless. I'd thought the task of disposing of the newborns was wearing on him and was near about to send him away so I could finish the job myself when I called out for the next victim. A female by the name of Charlotte approached and Peter's emotions gave him away. He was suddenly very furious. I thought he was preparing to fight me but he shouted at the woman to run and took off after her. I should have pursued them, but I didn't." He paused and Bella wondered yet again what significance this part of the story would have. She mourned for the sanity past Jasper lost when Peter ran and worried for the ramifications of his inaction.
"For five years, my frame of mind deteriorated rapidly and Maria couldn't understand why. The whole time, I wondered why I was different when those around me never seemed to feel a moment of depression. More than that, my maker, Maria, began to feel fear and malice towards me. I was preparing myself to need to end her, my only ally, in order to survive."
Jasper's tone grew lighter in the passing moments, "Then, Peter returned for me. He told me of options I didn't know existed. When he and Charlotte escaped, they had made their way North. In those five years, they'd never been in a fight and found that there was a more civilized way to live. I was convinced. Suddenly, killing my maker was no longer my only option."
Jasper's voice grew reminiscent as he edged out of the hard lines he'd drawn at the beginning of the conversation. His fists released and he chanced a glance at Bella. She didn't know what her face was showing him but she hoped he could tell how much her heart hurt for him.
"I traveled with Peter and Charlotte for a few years. Peter was my closest companion but, even amongst the new, more peaceful world, he noticed my depression didn't fade. It took years for the connection to be drawn, it was always worse after I fed." Jasper's face grew forlorn and Bella knew this was something that still must bother him. "I contemplated that. In so many years of slaughter and carnage, I'd lost nearly all of my humanity. Yet, every time I fed, I had this connection to my prior life. Most vampires feed without remorse but for me, it was so much worse. The wonder that my prey felt, looking at me, reminded me of how I had felt the night of my own change. I relived my last moments as Jasper Whitlock. It would always be a deeper connection for me, being able to feel everything my prey was feeling. And I lived their emotions as I killed them."
"You've experienced the way I manipulate emotions, Bella. You know that I can feel emotions put off by others, but I wonder if you realize how deeply the emotions in a room affect me. I live in a constant climate of other people's emotions." Jasper caught Bella's eyes and she almost felt guilty for everything she alone had put him through. What kind of asshole did she have to be to force her own emotions onto him when he was already dealing with everyone else in the vicinity? She wondered how awful their talk in the conference room really had been for him.
Jasper began again before Bella could get too lost in her own head. "The horror and fear I felt every time I fed, like the war before it, began to be too much and the depression got worse. As civilized as Peter and Charlotte were, they didn't feel the aversion I began to feel and couldn't understand when I went for longer and longer lengths of time between feedings. Whereas they wanted peace from the violence and bloodthirsty vengeance of the war, I needed peace from the killing, all killing. Yet, I had to keep killing. What choice did I have? When I tried to kill less often, I would get too thirsty and give in. Between our natural draw to blood and a century of instant gratification, I learned that self-discipline is immensely challenging."
It was Jasper's turn to clasp her hand. He squeezed it gently while admitting, "Thankfully, I seem to be getting better at that." Bella could feel the appreciation he pushed onto her. It was different than the times Jasper had manipulated her emotions, covering her own. No, this time, she could tell that the gratefulness was somehow other, not connected to her own emotions.
Bella came to a sudden realization then, "So, that's why you are with the rest of the Cullens?" She asked, but didn't leave much time for a response. "Not only do they practice that discipline that your friends from the war lacked but they found a way around killing humans entirely." Bella gazed at Jasper, grateful now more than ever that she'd agreed to try and give the family a second chance. She did have some gaps left in the story in her head, so she wondered aloud, "But how'd you come across them? Was it just chance?"
Jasper appeared flustered at all of the thoughts that spilled from her mouth and made it a point to respond to each one of them in turn. "Yes, I suppose, in the long run, that is why I joined this family but it is not why I stay. While their mindset is much different than Peter and Char's, I do occasionally leave for a visit. Now that I have taken up the vegetarian practices, I find it much easier to be around my friends. It's not sustainable in the long run but I don't believe many humans live with their friends for extended periods of time either. The Cullens are my family, I am happy to feel that way now, as it took me a long time to understand that I was accepted." Jasper paused once, glancing at their still clasped hands thoughtfully before admitting, "As for how I eventually became a part of the Cullen family, it wasn't by chance, as nothing with Alice ever is."
Bella didn't have long to think on what else may not have been by chance when Jasper continued the final leg of his story contemplatively, "I was in Philadelphia at the time. It was storming and I was out during the day, something I was not entirely comfortable with yet. I knew standing in the rain would garner attention, so I ducked into a small diner. I was thirsty, which worried me at the time but it meant my eyes were dark enough that no one would notice the red." Jasper began to graze his thumb methodically over the backs of Bella's knuckles, staring, Bella noticed, at the portion of her forearm that was revealed by her scrunched up cardigan. A sliver of her own crescent-shaped scar peaked out from beneath the maroon fabric.
"Alice was there, expecting me." Jasper shook his head, "She was tiny, not someone I viewed as immediately threatening, so when she hopped down from the high stool at the counter and came directly towards me, I froze. Not sure if she meant to attack, it shocked me to see her smiling. My past self had no experience with meeting vampires that had no reason to wish me harm and the emotions that emanated from her did not mesh with the only interpretation I could come up with." Jasper looked saddened as he wrapped up his story. "Not two lines were spoken between us before I left with her, she'd given me hope. Before long, Alice told me of the visions she'd seen of Carlise and his family, I could hardly believe such an existence was possible but Alice had made me optimistic. So, we went in search of them."
When Jasper's thumb ceased its calming motion on her knuckles, Bella knew his story was over, anything Jasper hadn't told her, about the war or about Alice had been too personal, and she felt that he was justified to keep those things to himself. Without any idea of what she could say to him or how they would go about their day from there, Bella squeezed his hand and tried to push the appreciation she felt onto him. Jasper had shared his story with her and she couldn't be anything other than grateful and proud. She knew he thought he was sharing with her the darkest parts of his past, but she viewed it differently. His story was just further proof of his goodness and how strong he was now, thanks to all of the things he'd overcome.