Cobra European Vacation Part I

Ship's log: Tracking down Cobra subordinates. Fifty-seven possible locations.

Day One.

European Base Number 1: Nordkapp, Norway.

"Why the hell did we build a base in this God forsaken location?" Cobra Commander groaned as he looked out of the window. "Just nothing but ice, water and snow as far as I can see."

"It's a popular tourist attraction," Destro explained. "Best known for hiking, boat tours, photography and bird watching."

"Plus, it's pretty far out of the way," The Baroness explained. "And the closest Cobra base. It's only logical our subordinates would go to this base first."

"Logic and those idiots are not exactly close acquaintances," Cobra Commander grumbled. "We're cloaked right, so no one can see us?"

THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!

"Judging by those seagulls that just flew into the side of our spaceship," Destro casually remarked as he looked out the window. "Yes."

"Those are not seagulls," Mindbender corrected. "Those are white throated dippers. The national bird of Norway."

THUD! THUD! THUD!

"Those were snow geese," Mindbender remarked as he watched the birds spiral downwards.

THUD!

"That one was a seagull," Mindbender nodded. "A black legged kittiwake if I am not mistaken."

Everyone looked at Mindbender. "What?" Mindbender asked. "Birdwatching was one of my favorite hobbies as a child."

Monkeywrench snorted. "I always said Mindbender was a birdbrain."

"Considering that remark is from a person who doesn't have a brain…" Mindbender glared at him.

"Girls please," Crystal Ball quipped. "You're both ugly."

Cobra Commander snickered. "Okay that was funny. And accurate."

"If we are finished with Whose Whine Is It Anyway?" The Baroness rolled her eyes. "Where is this base?"

THUD! THUD!

"Before we kill any more birds?" The Baroness groaned.

"Those were just Canadian Geese," Mindbender remarked. "There are too many of them anyway."

THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!

"Well now there are fewer of them," Zartan remarked.

"There's the base," The Baroness pointed to a small shack. "I'm sending a Cobra communication right now."

THUD! THUD! THUD!

"More white throated dippers," Mindbender remarked. "Ooh! And one of them was just snatched by a greater spotted eagle! What a treat!"

"I'm not getting a signal," The Baroness frowned.

"Let me try," Cobra Commander went to the intercom. "HEY LOSERS! THIS IS YOUR SUPREME LEADER HERE! OPEN UP! I WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU IDIOTS!"

"No answer," The Baroness remarked.

"Uh not much of a surprise" Xamot coughed.

"We just remembered," Tomax paused. "Remember when Cobra was running low on funds a few years ago?"

"You're going to have to be a bit more specific than that," Zandar quipped as he folded his arms.

"Long story short…" Tomax began.

"Too late," Zartan quipped.

"We sold that property," Xamot finished. "To the Norwegian Bird Lover's Society."

"Let me get this straight?" Cobra Commander groaned. "Our base is now a bird sanctuary?"

"It appears so," Destro sighed.

"Well not for long!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Prepare the lasers!"

"What?" Destro gasped.

"I'm not making this a wasted trip!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Besides I feel like blowing up something!"

"He does have a point," Ripper said. "Why waste an opportunity for destruction and mayhem?"

"Exactly!" Cobra Commander said. "Which one of you has one of those phones with a camera and everything that connects to the Internet?"

"A smart phone?" Zartan asked. "Almost everyone."

"I don't," Torch frowned.

"That's because you're not smart," Zartan told him. "I wouldn't trust you with a toy phone much less a real one."

"You want to make a video, don't you?" Zandar sighed.

"Why would you do that?" Destro asked.

"To enhance Cobra's reputation!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Let the world know that Cobra is still out there!"

"Well somebody is," Destro quipped.

"I'll do it," Zandar volunteered as he showed his phone. "I have a Me Tube account. Several actually under several different identities."

"Good," Cobra Commander nodded. "Here's what we are going to do!"

Ten minutes later Cobra Commander was standing before the blazing former base. "Citizens of the world!" Cobra Commander hissed dramatically. "Cobra is back! We shall strike fear into your hearts and you will never see us coming!"

"SCREEEEEEEEEE! SCREEEEEE!"

"AAAAHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed as several birds dive bombed him. "GET OFF ME YOU STUPID SEAGULLS!"

"Actually Commander," Mindbender called out. "Those are white throated dippers."

"SQUAWWWWWWK!"

"Those other birds are seagulls," Mindbender remarked as more birds attacked Cobra Commander.

"They're going to be fried birds if they don't stop!" Cobra Commander screamed as they pecked him. He pulled out his blaster. "EAT LIGHT YOU FLYING FEATHERDUSTERS!"

ZAAP! ZZZZAPP! ZZAAP!

"STAND STILL SO I CAN KILL YOU!" Cobra Commander screamed. "OW!"

ZZZAPP! ZZAPP! ZAAAP!

"AAAAWWWK!"

A fried seagull carcass fell to the ground. "SEE? THAT'S WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU!" Cobra Commander shook his fist as the birds flew off. "THAT'S RIGHT! FLY AWAY!"

"Commander we should go," Mindbender told him. "I think I hear helicopters!"

"Fine!" Cobra Commander snapped as he stormed off back into the spaceship. Soon the ship was flying away.

"Inspiring as always Commander," Destro remarked as Cobra Commander returned to his chair.

"It's still good! Just cut out the part with the birds attacking me like a Hitchcock movie," Cobra Commander ordered.

"Okay," Zandar lied. He mouthed to his siblings NO WAY. Zartan made a thumbs up and Zarana giggled.

"There," Cobra Commander said. "Now we have more street cred."

Torch looked at him. "How much street cred can you get blowing up a bloody bird sanctuary?"

"Well we must have pissed off a bunch of environmentalists and bird lovers!" Cobra Commander snapped. "That's a start!"

"That's what worries me," Destro sighed. "The start of another trip from Hell."

Base Number 2: Molde, Norway.

"Another base in Norway?" Cobra Commander groaned.

"It is the closest country to Greenland that has Cobra bases," Destro shrugged. "Since all the ones in Great Britain were destroyed years ago."

"This better not be another bird sanctuary," Cobra Commander grumbled. "What is this place called again?"

"Molde," Destro told him.

"Does that mean this place has mold?" Torch asked.

"If you moved here it would," Destro groaned. "Where is this base?"

"It's actually on a ship," Mindbender looked at the list. "Which sank during a storm in 1997."

"That information would have been useful before we got here!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Okay let's just find something to blow up. Just pick a boat and blow it up!"

"Aye, Aye…" Zartan shrugged as he did so.

ZZZZZZZZZZAPPP!

KA-BOOOOOOOM!

"You blew up a ship full of herring," The Baroness blinked.

"It was the largest ship docked at the harbor!" Zartan snapped.

"Just go to the next base!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Shame we can't stay," Mindbender sighed. "Such a lovely little town."

"If you want, we could just leave you here," Crystal Ball quipped.

"I'm good," Mindbender said.

Cobra Base Number 3: Langsua National Park, Norway.

"There's nothing here!" Cobra Commander looked out at the wilderness expanse. "Where the hell is the base?"

"Maybe it's underground?" The Baroness suggested. "Or under that lake?"

"It was," Mindbender checked the list. "Until it was flooded in 1997."

"That was not a good year for Cobra," Zartan groaned.

"I'm pretty sure the others are not here either," Xamot remarked.

"Shall we blow this up too?" Tomax asked.

"What's to blow up? A bunch of trees?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Forget it! Onto the next one!"

Cobra Base Number 4: Rondane National Park, Norway.

"You have got to be kidding me," Cobra Commander looked at another expanse of wilderness. "Let me guess, this base flooded too?"

"No…" Zartan looked at the information on screen. "It burned down in 1999."

"Of course, it did," Cobra Commander groaned.

THUD! THUD!

"Ooh! Two Long Tailed Ducks!" Mindbender said cheerfully as he looked out the window. "And one of them was caught by a Gyrfalcon mid fall! This is a treat!"

"I have to ask," Cobra Commander growled. "Who's the idiot who set up all these bases in Norway?"

"I believe that was the Crimson Twin's domain, Cobra Commander," Destro said smoothly.

"Uhh…" The twins looked at each other.

"That was Simpson!" Tomax said quickly.

"Yes, definitely Simpson," Xamot added. "A fool we fired for his incompetence a long time ago."

"This is definitely Simpson's work," Tomax nodded quickly.

"Let me guess his first name?" Zartan folded his arms. "Homer?"

"Didn't really catch it," Xamot winced.

"I have morons on my payroll," Cobra Commander groaned.

THUD! THUD! THUD!

"On the plus side," Mindbender remarked as he wrote down something in a large leather-bound book. "I'm getting a lot of birds in my birding book!"

"NEXT!" Cobra Commander screamed.

Cobra Base Number 5: Hardangervidda National Park, Norway.

"How many bases in Norway did we need?" Cobra Commander screamed. "AND WHY ARE THEY ALL IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?"

"This is the last one," The Baroness told him.

"Praise the Serpent Lord!" Cobra Commander grumbled. "If I wanted to see a cold land full of ice, I'd go back to Cobra La!"

"Just curious," Destro looked at the twins. "Did they have a sale or something in Norway? Because I think I can guess why!"

"We got a really good deal okay?" Tomax snapped.

"So where is the base?" Destro asked.

"Uhh…" Mindbender looked at the list.

"Let me guess," Destro sighed. "It either burned down or it was flooded."

"Neither," Mindbender remarked. "It was never built."

"Again, remember the time Cobra was bankrupt?" Xamot gulped.

"You twin twits will have to be more specific," Destro snapped.

"It was just easier to say we had a base than to build it!" Xamot defended.

"We thought the odds of you all coming out here were about a thousand to one…" Tomax began.

"Never mind," Destro scolded. "If I want to hear excuses of incompetence, I will talk to the Dreadnoks!"

"That's right," Torch said proudly. "Hey wait a minute…"

"Okay!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We're going to check the countries I want! Whatever country I pick we move up on the list! Which country closest to us has the fewest bases?"

"Denmark," Mindbender said. "It only has one."

"Then that's where we're going next!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Somebody get a map so we can put an X on each country we go through! Make this a little easier to narrow it down!"

"This is our plan?" Destro sighed. "Just flying around random countries looking through every base we ever had?"

"Think of it as taking inventory!" Cobra Commander snapped.

"I should take inventory of my life," Destro sighed.

Day Two:

Cobra Base Number 6: Copenhagen, Denmark.

"Well at least this wasn't a complete waste of time," Zartan remarked as he flew the starship away from Copenhagen. A box full of alcohol was on the floor besides him.

"True," Cobra Commander shrugged as he walked in with scepter in his hands. "Our subordinates may not have been there but it was a nice bar."

"A Cobra Base becoming a bar," The Baroness sighed as she walked in with a crown on her head. "Kind of fitting in a way."

"And it was right down the street from a museum," Zarana walked in with some jewels.

"Looting and pillaging after a rousing round of drinks," Cobra Commander smiled to himself. "Just like the old days from Grandfather's tales."

"It was profitable," Destro sighed as he put down a sack of gold and jewels. "If a bit conspicuous and destructive."

"Oh, lighten up Destro," Cobra Commander waved. "We needed to blow off some steam."

"But now the Joes will know we were here!" Destro snapped.

"Exactly. Were here," Cobra Commander said. "Thanks to this spaceship and it's technology we will be far away before the Joes will know it. Unable to track us down. Or prove we did it."

"I think they might have some proof," Destro said dryly.

FLASHBACK!

"YEAH!" Cobra Commander was dancing on the bar to the song of Tequila. The Dreadnoks cheered. Zandar was filming the whole incident on his phone.

"We really should get him on some new medication," Destro sighed.

"Agreed," The Baroness remarked.

"Looks like I'm spending another weekend in the lab," Mindbender remarked. "Lucky me!"

FLASHBACK!

"WHOOOO!" Cobra Commander whooped as he ran through the museum with a blaster in one hand and a bag of stolen loot in the other. Destro, Zartan, The Crimson Twins and The Baroness were with him with their own loot.

FLASHBACK!

"WHOOOOOOO!" Torch whooped as he rode in the back seat of a stolen convertible. Buzzer was driving. Ripper was drinking from a bottle of whiskey. So was Tiffany. Monkeywrench was laughing as the car was zooming around the streets of Copenhagen terrorizing pedestrians.

"YEAH!" Torch brought out his flamethrower and set fire to pretty much anything the car drove by. "A hot time in the old town tonight!"

FLASHFORWARD!

Destro looked at the smoke rising from the fires they had set as the ship flew away. "The Joes are definitely going to figure out we were here."

"Again, by the time they catch up we will be far away," Cobra Commander waved. "We got some nice alcohol. Had a good time. And got some souvenirs."

"We even got ourselves a nice statue," Monkeywrench remarked as he pushed a familiar looking statue in on a large hover pad. "It was right out in the ocean on a rock."

The Baroness did a double take. "That's Edvard Eriksen's The Little Mermaid!"

"It doesn't look like Ariel," Torch frowned.

"You stole The Little Mermaid statue?" Destro barked.

"Again," Torch snapped. "It doesn't even look like Ariel!"

"Relax Destro," Cobra Commander waved. "Cobra is known for stealing world monuments."

"And blowing the minor ones up," Zartan rolled his eyes.

"As far as I'm concerned this is good press," Cobra Commander waved. He looked at the statue. "Although I have to admit I do like the Disney version a bit better. What? This one doesn't even have proper fins!"

"And I'm pretty sure the real Ariel's boobs are bigger than that," Ripper added. "Not that I'm complaining but…"

"We can't keep the Little Mermaid Statue," Destro snapped.

"You're right," Cobra Commander said. "I'm not a fan of it. Next time we'll steal a Disney copy. I have an idea what to do with it…Where's the next closest base?"

Cobra Base Number 7: Nuuksio National Park, Finland

"Take a selfie Zandar!" Cobra Commander was standing next to the Little Mermaid statue. The statue had been placed next to a lake.

"That's not what a selfie…Oh never mind," Zandar sighed as he took the picture. Destro was standing right behind him.

"This will drive the international police crazy!" Cobra Commander snickered.

"Well someone is…" Destro muttered under his breath. "Can we go now?"

"Oh, all right," Cobra Commander looked around the pristine wilderness. "There's nothing worth blowing up anyway. Let's go."

They boarded the ship. "Considering this latest base was a bust you're in an extremely chipper mood, Cobra Commander," The Baroness noticed.

"I admit it," Cobra Commander shrugged. "I'm still a little buzzed from burning parts of Copenhagen. That and whatever is in that Danish whisky I drank. That stuff has a kick!"

"That's not all that should have a kick," The Baroness pointed to the Twins.

"Since the base at this park burned down in 1988!" Destro glared at the Twins.

"Oh my God…" Xamot grumbled.

"Cobra has literally hundreds of bases all over the world," Tomax added.

"We can't be responsible for keeping track of every single one!" Xamot added.

"You haven't kept track of any of them!" Destro shouted.

"Destro we left the Little Mermaid Statue in Finland!" Cobra Commander snickered. "It's funny!"

"I get it!" Monkeywrench giggled. "Mermaids have fins and you left it in Finland! That is funny!"

"Hilarious," Destro drawled. "You realize we have four more bases in Finland we have to check out right?"

"Have any of them on that list been burned down?" Cobra Commander asked. "Flooded or just don't plain exist?"

"No, these bases were all built," Mindbender shook his head.

"Swell…" Cobra Commander sighed. "Fine. Let's get this over with. Let's go to the next base."

Cobra Base Number 8: Montane Birch Forest Region of Finland.

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed as he and his crew ran back to the spaceship. "COBRA RETREAT! RETREAT!"

"RARRRR!" A group of huge brown bears chased them.

"What are the odds that our base was taken over by brown bears?" Zandar shouted as he ran.

"Have you not been paying attention?" Zartan shouted. "Pretty damn good!"

"JUST GET TO THE SHIP!" Destro screamed as he ran.

"RARRRRRR!"

"RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN!" Cobra Commander screamed as he got into the ship with the other Cobras behind.

They made their way to the bridge. "Shoot them! Shoot them! Shoot them!" Cobra Commander shouted.

"Let's get into the air where they can't claw the ship and then shoot them!" Zartan snapped as he worked the controls.

"Good plan!" Cobra Commander growled. "Turn on the cloaking device too so they can't see us!"

"Already done," Mindbender told him.

"FIRE! FIRE!" Cobra Commander shouted.

ZAAP! ZAAP! ZAPPP!

Cobra Commander growled. "How could you miss?"

"They moved!" Torch protested. He was at the controls of the lasers.

"They can't see us but they can smell us," Zartan pointed out.

"JUST SHOOT THEM!" Cobra Commander screamed. "SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM!"

ZAAAPP! ZAPP! ZAPPP!

"YOU MISSED AGAIN!" Cobra Commander screamed.

"Those bloody bears are faster than they look," Torch protested.

"It doesn't matter," Zandar remarked. "The forest is on fire. So…"

THUD!

"Ooh! Eurasian Eagle Owl!" Mindbender whooped. "I'm really seeing a lot of birds on this trip!"

"I'm seeing a lot of birdbrains on this trip," Crystal Ball quipped.

"Keep it up," Cobra Commander snapped. "I'll send you down there with the bears!"

"Good!" Crystal Ball snapped. "They have better hygiene than the Dreadnoks!"

"Well he's not wrong," The Baroness groaned.

"NEXT BASE!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Next base now!"

Cobra Base Number 9: Nivala, Finland.

"Finland, Finland, Finland…" The Dreadnoks sang. "The country where I want to be…"

"SHUT UP!" Destro roared.

"You knew they were going to sing that," Mindbender told him. "We're here. It's right on this street."

"Is that what I think it is?" Cobra Commander pointed as he looked out the window.

"It's in Finnish but…" Destro growled as he looked at the colorful building with a chicken character. "It does look like a Clucky's Chicken Shack. Yes! I'd recognize that stupid mascot anywhere!"

"Oh, hell no!" Zartan shouted.

"I'm not working in a bloody chicken restaurant again!" Zarana snapped.

"Neither am I!" The Baroness snapped.

"NO MORE CHICKEN RESTAURANTS!" Cobra Commander shouted. "This I command! I know that sentence is derivative, but it fits!"

"I agree," Destro growled.

"Fire the lasers," Cobra Commander snapped. "Prepare to burn that monstrosity to the ground!"

"What if Vapor and Zero are inside?" Zartan asked. "And even as I asked the question…Literally as the words were coming out of my mouth…"

"FIRE!" Cobra Commander shouted.

ZAAAAPP!

"Direct hit!" Destro whooped.

"Hooo eee!" That's a good fire!" Torch grinned.

"Were Vapor or Zero in there?" The Baroness asked.

"I don't know," Mindbender remarked. "I don't recognize some of the people running out of the building on fire…"

"You know you just blew up your own base right?" Crystal Ball asked. "Even if it wasn't Vapor or Zero in there those are still your own employees."

"A small sacrifice for some peace of mind!" Cobra Commander snapped. "You sure they weren't in there?"

"Hang on," Crystal Ball focused. "Nope, none of the people you just blew up or scarred for life are Vapor or Zero. They weren't in there. Just some regular Cobra grunts and other employees working there."

"Pity," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Let's go to the next base!"

Cobra Base Number 10: Lapua, Finland.

"NOT ANOTHER CHICKEN RESTAURANT!" Cobra Commander screamed when he saw what it was.

"What did you do?" Torch looked at the Twins. "Buy a bloody franchise?"

"It was a good idea at the time!" Tomax shouted.

"Don't blame us for this!" Xamot agreed.

"I can and I will," Destro snapped.

"Prepare to fire," Cobra Commander ordered.

ZAAAAAP!

"BURN! BURN! BURN!" The Baroness cackled.

"Again, it's your own base…" Crystal Ball sighed. "Oh, never mind. Not that anyone listens to me anyway."

"Next time we should send a signal though," Zartan suggested. "So that we know either Vapor or Zero are in there. Then we blow them up."

"Good point," Cobra Commander nodded. "NEXT!"

Cobra Base Number 11: Helsinki, Finland.

"HOW MANY OF THESE DAMN THINGS DO I NEED TO DESTROY?" Cobra Commander screamed when he saw it was another chicken restaurant. "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"

ZZAAAAAAAAAAPP!

"HA HA HA HA!" Cobra Commander cackled as the building was destroyed and a huge fire was in its place. "I love this ship! And best of all no one can track us!"

"Yeah we're just blowing up chicken restaurants in the middle of cities during broad daylight," Crystal Ball quipped. "Very subtle. Hey! I see one of my face over there!"

Destro noticed a restaurant with Crystal Ball's face on the side. "Isn't that one of those Mystic Meal places owned by Mongoose Incorporated?"

"Yeah, they made me the mascot," Crystal Ball nodded. "But I've yet to receive any royalties."

"Fire lasers," Cobra Commander said calmly.

"WHAT?" Crystal Ball shouted.

ZZZZAPP!

"Oh, that was just petty," Crystal Ball snapped as the other restaurant was destroyed.

"It was a restaurant owned by Mongoose Incorporated!" Destro snapped. "I say we give those traitors a taste of Cobra's vengeance! A meal that has been delayed for too long!"

"I agree!" The Baroness nodded. "Say Mindbender, are there any more Mongoose Incorporated buildings in Helsinki?"

"Let me check," Mindbender typed on a nearby computer.

"Hang on…" Torch remembered something. "Aren't those chicken restaurants owned by Mongoose Corporation as well?"

"He's right," Destro realized. "They took them in the coup. Huh, that means technically we didn't blow up our own bases."

"I can't believe we forgot that," Zartan realized.

"Well it was a long time ago," Mindbender admitted. "And we've been a bit preoccupied for a while. Oh, here we are. An office building and…Another Clucky's Chicken restaurant on another street."

"Fire up the lasers!" Cobra Commander snapped.

Ten minutes later the Cobras looked at the several fires spread throughout Helsinki. "Helsinki is now pretty much sunk," Monkeywrench quipped.

"Finland, Finland, Finland…" Ripper and Torch sang. "The country where I want to be!"

"Blowing up chicken restaurants!" Ripper sang.

"Watching the fires on TV!" Torch sang off key.

"See we destroyed some of the competition as well," Cobra Commander said. "Huh. This is a productive trip."

"Let's put a notice in the computer to detect any buildings from Mongoose Incorporated as well," Destro suggested.

"Good idea," Cobra Commander nodded. "So, no more bases in Finland? Ours or our competition?"

"Not on this list," Mindbender said.

"I don't suppose we have any bases around the French Rivera?" Cobra Commander asked.

"Uh no we don't," Mindbender admitted.

"Figures," Cobra Commander groaned.

"But we do have one at a winery in the south of France," Mindbender checked the list.

"WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?" Cobra Commander snapped. "We just spent two days flying around all these duds when we could have been having some drinks!"

"I think we should check some more bases first," Destro spoke up.

"Why?" Cobra Commander snapped.

"Because if we go to the winery in France, we're not leaving for at least a week," Destro explained.

"Good point," Cobra Commander admitted. "We'll knock a few more countries off the list."

"Maybe we could go to the Baroness' home country?" Mindbender suggested. "I've always been curious about that."

"Yeah that place doesn't exist anymore," The Baroness sighed. "Literally. Between the wars, the annexations and the re-annexations…And some frighteningly accurate bombs…"

"We get the picture," Cobra Commander sighed. "Fine we'll hit a few more bases. Then we can hit the winery!"

"Yeah nothing drives up a thirst more than blowing more stuff up," Torch grinned.