Sorry for not posting last week...I hope this chapter makes up for it.
Summary: Katniss is stuck in her nightmares where Prim and Peeta are reaped and nothing she does allows her to save them both. She walked away from Peeta because she was afraid of falling in love. Now it's time to face those fears.
Special thanks to Norbersmom for betaing and just as a precaution I do not own the hunger games
"Peeta!"
"Hush now baby girl," The soft warm voice whispered in her ear.
"Peeta," Katniss thrashed a little, but she was confined, but no longer afraid as her body slowly surfaced from her dream.
"Hush, my baby," again the feminine voice kept on murmuring in her ear.
"Peeta," Katniss murmured as the steady stream of tears fell on familiar fragile arms.
The scent of lemon, ginger, sugar, and mint surrounded her as she was buried. A pale yellow light began to permeate the ground. She could hear the soft hum of an old lullaby whispered lightly into her ears. Her eyes began to focus, but the panic of the dream of seeing Peeta's mangled body on the meadow caused her to shut them again. It was an image she couldn't make disappear. It was such a vivid dream, it left her innards clenching with the fear that this was the future.
Desperately, she clutched the arms that held her.
"Momma?" Katniss hadn't called her mother that in years. The last time was when her father was alive. Back then things were different.
Her home, although poor was a happy place. There was laughter within the walls of her home. Her momma loved her. She cared for her and actually interacted with her children. Her father would sing and bring such warmth and joy to their lives.
Once the explosion happened, all that was taken away.
Her mother, whose face was once filled with joy, carried a blank sorrow-filled look. Her eyes that sparkled once, now, were a dull hue of pale blue. Her mother's whole persona changed. She became forgetful, unable to focus on the present. Her mother was a reluctant participant in the world that surrounded her. The only exception was for the craft she dedicated her life too.
The only time her mother's personality came alive was whenever she was needed as a healer. Then she blossomed and became that young vibrant woman Katniss knew from her childhood. This was the woman she and her sister came to know as mother.
In many ways, she was glad Primrose took after their mother when it came to healing. It was a way for her baby sister to experience the woman her mother was all the time. Her mother was an excellent healer and her knowledge of medicine was unparalleled, something Katniss did not fancy, nor did she pretend to be knowledgeable in.
There was no contesting Lavender Everdeen's medical prowess.
She was quick and tried to save all the lives that came across their kitchen table. Katniss personally could not stomach the things her sister and her mother dealt with. She only had a rudimentary knowledge, but that was because her father insisted Katniss learn to take care of herself in the woods should she ever get hurt. It was not something she relished. It was not something she had ever used.
She hoped she would never have to use it.
Yet as she hiccupped she could not help the feeling of helplessness she felt. In her dream, there was nothing she could do to save either one. It was as if the laws of nature demanded a sacrifice in the Games. Neither one would survive at the same time. This brought a fresh round of tears.
Lavender wiped her hair away from her face. "Hush now baby girl. It'll be alright."
Normally Katniss acted as if she did not need her mother. But at this moment, as she sat in her mother's slender arms hearing her mother's tender words, it was what she needed.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Katniss sat up straight, wiping her face. Her mother gave her a small handkerchief. She took it and swallowed, looking at the embroidered edge. This belonged to her father. Her lips quivered.
"I heard you whimpering and you were thrashing around."
"The Games."
All adults knew the fear of the Games.
"You were in it?"
Katniss nodded.
"Who else?"
Her mother's voice was soft, as if any minute now, the wind would blow her away into her little world.
"Prim," Katniss said.
She paused taking in the information, before inquiring, "And, anyone else, Gale?"
"No, I mean yes, there was someone else, but it wasn't Gale."
Her mother's silence spoke louder than any words.
Katniss confessed, "Peeta Mellark."
"Eugene's youngest child?" It was more of a statement and not a question.
"Yes."
"Were they reaped and you couldn't do anything?"
Katniss nodded.
"I hate the Games, I've lost friends due to it." Her mother swallowed, clearly to keep her tears from falling.
Katniss shook her head, but her mother continued.
"I long for the day when we can be free. When our children are not herded like cattle to be picked for the sacrifice for the entertainment of the capitol."
This shocked Katniss, she was rendered speechless. Her mother never spoke this way. When she was a child, there were songs that her father would sing that were considered rebellious and her mother would chastise him for singing them.
"Having you or Prim reaped is my worst nightmare come to life."
Both Katniss and her mother sat there on the sofa crying, sharing a moment.
"I can't think of either of them gone, mama. I just can't," Katniss whispered brokenly. "If I tried to save Prim he died. If I saved Peeta, Prim suffered."
"You care for them both."
Hearing her mother say she cared for her sister was not a big stretch, but hearing her say she cared for Peeta made the turmoil within her even worse. "No, I-"
Her mother gripped her chin. "I know you love your sister, but the boy," She smiled gently. "I had forgotten about this."
"What are you speaking about?"
"Your father always had a premonition about you and him. He said that when he mentioned your name in front of that boy his eyes would light up bigger than the stars in the night sky."
Katniss did not know what to say.
"So how long have you held a candle for Peeta?"
Her voice was not harsh or accusatory. There was acceptance, and dare she think it, sentimental. Katniss looked down and shook her head. The dream, her mother's revelation, and her mother's ability to see what she kept carefully hidden for so long she herself was not aware of it was just too much.
"Katniss, it is natural for you to feel things. I know that I have not been there for you, but this is something I know about."
She couldn't look at her mother. If she did, it would all be there, every dream, hope, and sentiment she felt for Peeta, would be easily read. She looked away, closing her eyes. Within her there was a storm of emotions she did not know how to deal with. There was anxiety, desire, yearning, sadness, longing, and plain jealousy when she saw him with Delly or some other Merchant girl. Katniss treasured him. She wanted him, needed to hear his voice.
He plagued her every dream, every shadow.
There was also the debt she owed him, which she could never repay.
"Katniss you can't hide from this." Her mother's long fingers gently pulled her chin upwards, forcing her eyes to open. The unwanted tears spilled down her face.
"I know you care for him, tonight is not the only night you've cried out for him."
Her shocked eyes flew to stare into her mother's eyes.
"Prim and I have heard you call for him. She wants to speak to you about him desperately, but I have asked her to give you privacy."
Katniss had no idea this was going on, that her family knew.
"You call out to him and it's been worse since the snow started. I know you've snuck out to see him in the past."
She felt guilty about this. It was written all over her face, though her mother's face was not condemning, it was one of understanding.
"I was like that with your father. I couldn't stay away. I just had to see him. Contrary to belief, we didn't come together until we were committed. A lot of the time we spent together we were simply talking. A lot of times we would fall asleep and wake up just an hour or two before dawn to sneak back into our homes."
Katniss eyes went wide listening to her mother's tale. It was much like Peeta's. It scared her even more. "I don't want to." She did not finish her sentence.
"It's okay. I know what you're going to say, you don't want to be like me." Her mother sighed. "I know I'm not a great motherly role model. But believe me, Katniss when I tell you that if I could, I would do it over again. I would follow your father to the ends of the earth."
"You mean you would face the loneliness, the hurt, the pain and agony of losing daddy all over again?"
"Because I love your father, and the life we shared was so wonderful." Her mother pushed her hair away from her face. She gently gripped her chin. "Don't be afraid of getting hurt Katniss. That was one my one flaw. I never showed you that I would rather face the pain of living without him, than, to never have loved him at all."
Her mother shivered.
"Many Merchants do not have a life filled of love. They have a convenient life, but no joy or contentment. They don't even find it in their own children. I may not show it, but I do love both. You remind me of him so much. And I could never live that Merchant lifestyle. No thank you. I'd rather be lonesome and considered mad than miserable and trapped in a home that is filled with anger and distrust. I trusted your father and he respected me, Katniss. He respected me and let me be myself."
"Peeta's like that," Katniss confessed.
"I see it in your face. You've been so happy these past few months. You've been smiling, even with all of this upheaval in the district."
Shyly, Katniss lowered her lashes.
Her mother stood up from the sofa. Katniss watched her mother take the old throw from the rocking chair and tuck her in.
"You know it was never like this, this divide between the Seam and the Merchants. Surprised?" Her mom took the small pillow from the same rocking chair and gave her a knowledgeable look before she slid it beneath her head. She gently brushed her hair away from her face again.
Katniss was curious.
"The Capitol divided us. They punished the Merchant boys who wanted to enter the mines, told the miners the Merchants were trying to steal their jobs. Then made it so that the shops could only be passed on from Merchant to Merchant family. You and your sister are considered Merchant because I'm a Merchant. If it were the reverse then you would be considered Seam."
"But we live in the Seam."
"Funny enough, under the eyes of the law, you're not." Her mother pulled up the rocking chair and sat down in it next to her.
"How come they don't tell anyone?"
"Because it would lead to all sorts of rebellion, and they don't want that. Did you know Peeta's great-grandmother on his mother's side, had family in the Seam? She was the daughter of a miner."
Katniss eyes were wide.
"Didn't know that. Mrs. Brooks was a funny old woman, took delight in bringing Boudica down a peg or two when she introduced her to her cousins. Boudica was so mad she nearly spitfire. She declared her great-grandmother was insane, but she wasn't. She told us how before the war people married who they wanted. They lived a free life. It was harsh and they were all poor, but they lost the battle to the Capitol because the states, it was what we were called before we became districts, fought amongst themselves as well. They were divided and couldn't unify.
The Capitol took advantage of this and divided us even in our own backyard. Mrs. Brooks was one of the few people who came to our toasting, her and Eugene. Boudica stayed home."
"What about your family mama?"
"My family died during the great illness that happened right before 39th Games. All that was left was my aunt and her husband. My aunt didn't love me; she sold my birthright to the Cartwright's who used to work in the Mayor's as their help until they started taking on help from the Seam. My aunt was sure she was going to have a child and leave me penniless. Though her husband, my Uncle Toby, did not feel the same way, he loved me and wanted to leave me the shop when they found out my aunt couldn't have children. He was the one who owned the Apothecary shop and he taught me everything I knew. My Uncle Toby knew the moment I fell in love and told me that I should marry who I wanted. He was there at our toasting and present when you were born, but he died shortly after that."
"But old lady Jessup was the owner of the Apothecary."
"No, old lady Jessup was the woman my aunt moved in the day after my Uncle Toby died. She ran the shop and was not a very good healer. When my aunt died Jessup took over and now it sits empty as she passed away last week."
"I always thought it was always the same," Katniss yawned.
"That's what they lead you to believe. I didn't let the idea of someone shaming me because of who I loved bother me. If you are going to give this boy a chance you shouldn't let others' opinions count." Lavender gave Katniss a pointed look, "Especially Gale."
"Gale hates the Merchants."
"You know when at first saw you acting twitterpated I thought it was Gale, but then there were days when you didn't see Gale and you would be so full of glee that I knew it wasn't him. In certain ways, I am glad it isn't Gale."
"Why?"
"Because both of you have tempers, and you'd kill each other."
Katniss knew this was true. She ruled out Gale. As important as he was to her, they were far too similar.
"I should have known earlier it was Peeta, when the bread you started bringing home was fresher. Though I knew something was going on with you, I didn't piece it together until you started calling out his name in your dreams and then I knew for sure."
Katniss cheeks were tinged pink, "I was seeing him."
"I guessed."
"His mother though, she is so mean. Ugh." Katniss said with pent-up distaste.
"Boudica was always a bully. But I beat her once and believe me I can still do it."
"Mother!"
"It's true. She was speaking poorly about your father. I told her to stop. She tried to hit me, and I defended myself. I flattened her. She never again tried to prohibit your father from trading. That was shortly before we both became pregnant."
Katniss blinked.
"Your father was upset, but he understood why. He was secretly proud of me." Lavender chuckled. "You father told me one day you were going to marry that boy. He was so sure of it. I thought him mad, but he insisted. He said there were some people that were destined to be together. In hindsight, it explains a lot, why you see the handsomest boy in the entire district as nothing but a hunting partner, why you're not interested in any boys other than Eugene's son. Though I have to say, Peeta is handsome as well and extremely charming."
Her mother went to the small fire in the grate and poked it, giving Katniss the time she needed to analyze things. Part of her resisted him, because she did not want to get hurt. She was afraid of becoming like her mother. Another part wanted to run to him. She frowned, and yet another part of her did not want to deal with any of this, wanted to run away.
"Do you want to be with him?"
Katniss nodded yes. It was the truth. She sat up. The blanket her mother had tucked around her fell to her lap.
"What is he like with you?"
"He cares about me, but he doesn't push me. He's patient and listens to me. He's not like Gale, who wants to resolve all of my problems, or makes me feel small when I don't agree with him." Katniss hugged her knees to her chest, her chin resting on them.
"Is he good to you?"
"He worries about me. He's always trying to give me stuff, for us, cookies, cupcakes, extra bread, and he tries to feed me." She thought of the last time she saw him. There was no doubt in her mind Peeta would move heaven and earth to help her.
"Does he love you?" Her mother turned around once she finished stoking the fire back to life.
"I can see it in his eyes. I can see how he feels about me in the way he looks at me." She swallowed and buried her face in her hands, as her doubts, fears and strong emotions surfaced. "But, I'm so confused."
"Soulmates," her mother chuckled. "I bet you when you're with him you feel like you're home."
Katniss nodded.
"This scares you."
She swallowed, her face pale, her gray eyes as wide as the moon on a dark night. It felt like her mother was reading her mind.
"That's why you've pushed away from him."
"How do you know?" Katniss whispered.
"Because trying to unlove someone is like trying to get rid of a dandelion."
Katniss frowned. "How do you mean?"
"Well, the dandelion is a special flower, because you can yank it out of the ground, but the roots are so deep they latch on to a pebble or another root. Much like true love becomes integrated into your heart. You can pluck it, but it will grow it back. You can dig it out, add poison to it, but those roots are so deep that they will find a way to sprout on the least expected day."
"I don't want to love him, momma. I can't love him." Her broken voice bespoke of her internally misery.
"I know, baby girl. You don't want to love anyone. I've heard you spouting that ridiculous mantra of yours. But like I said, love, is like trying to get rid of a dandelion." Lavender adjusted the throw around Katniss' shoulders as she spoke. "Just think about this, what do you have to lose? Because right now you're miserable and it's making us all miserable."
Her mother walked away with a slight smile on her face.
Katniss laid back down and she thought about her mother's words. All this time she stalked him, became friends with him. She allowed herself to care about him to the point where he was as necessary as breathing.
It was scary to think her sister could be reaped and without a doubt, Katniss would volunteer. She sighed out loud. If Peeta was called she wondered how was she supposed to care for Peeta, how was supposed to keep him safe. Tears spilled down her face once again and she wiped them away roughly, thinking if she did not want him this would be so easy. Hell, if necessary, she could harm him, but even as she thought this every cell in her body revolted. It would be like harming Prim.
Katniss lay down. Her mind continued to race.
Her thoughts always came back to the same question.
What did she have to lose?
In the end, she came up with one logical answer, nothing.