Author's Note: This chapter goes out to SparkSeer(AO3) whose comment on the last chapter really got me out of (another) writing slump! I won't lie, I adore the influx of comments I get after posting a new chapter but it's the ones that occur weeks after that really remind me I should get back to my writing. I hope you all enjoy the new chapter as much as the last! And do me a favor? Let me know if you think I'm dragging the story out too long. There's more to this fic than slow burn I promise XD
Her afternoon with the Cullens ended happier than it had started. Bella felt sure that she would be welcomed to visit again soon. At the end, even Rosalie didn't seem to have any resentment towards her. No, no one seemed to hold anything against her. Any resentment the family showed had been targeted towards Edward. Guilt flooded her at the thought.
Like he knew what she might be thinking, but of course he didn't, Jasper parked by her apartment and offered, "Would you like me to come in with you?" His brows crinkled in a concern that was so endearing her level of guilt swelled. "We can talk about how you think it went. I assure you, if the family holds any ill will towards anyone it is Edward."
But that was the problem, wasn't it? Bella didn't like being the route of the problem but no matter how she oriented the situation she was. She was the reason they'd had to leave Forks in the first place. She was the reason the Cullens were angry with Edward. She'd gone into Edwards' family's home and bonded with his family, nearly turned them against him, and in the meantime, lusted over his brother who was nice enough to be moral support for the occasion.
Jasper ran his cold hand over her own, bringing her focus back to the conversation.
She cleared her throat and blinked before angry tears could interrupt her, "Um no, Jasper, that's fine. I'm fine." She needed time to think. "I have to get the apartment ready anyway. You know Charlie is visiting for Christmas and I'd hate for him to think I can't hack it out on the East Coast all by myself."
Jasper's lips widened into a smile but the concern didn't fade from his eyes when he joked, "From what I've heard, you raised your parents not the other way around. I doubt Charlie would think you couldn't take care of yourself."
She offered him a small smile in return. "You are probably right but I've still got to clean up and wrap his Christmas present."
She thought about asking when they'd next hang out since winter break had officially started, but thought better of it. She and Jasper hung out all the time and texted in the off time. One of them would eventually suggest a time to hang out. So instead, she smiled and tried to express her gratitude instead, "Thanks for everything. Today really meant a lot. I really appreciate it."
His smile widened and she could feel his gratitude in return, but for what she did not know. "It was my pleasure, Bella." She could feel his eyes follow her as she moved to leave. "Have a good night, let me know if you need anything."
Selfishly, she caught his eyes with her own. "Good night Jasper, I'll talk to you soon."
There was a curiosity and suspicion that hit Jasper the moment he turned into the driveway. Without having to look for her, he knew it was Esme. He wouldn't bother heading inside.
He parked the car in the garage feeling his mother's wave of emotions near as she waded through the snow at the edge of the lawn. Had she been moving at vampire speed she wouldn't have made a dent, but Esme walked through a foot of snow at a slow deliberate pace. She was clearly waiting for him.
Jasper was unsure of the reason behind what was clearly going to be a "talk." Bella's reintroduction to the Cullens had gone well in his opinion. There had been no avoiding the intense emotions, but it had ended in hugs between Bella and several of his family members, which he viewed as a success. Were it anyone else waiting for him, it could have been a berating for keeping so many parts of Bella's story from them but that wasn't something Esme was likely to do. No, she cared deeply for each of her children and tough love wasn't like her.
"Jasper," Esme interrupted his thoughts. "Come walk with me."
Jasper liked to think his and Esme's relationship had grown since the move to Ithaca. He'd always spent time with her around the house but since moving they planned time together. They spent time working on refurbishing old houses or going out on hunts. Going for a walk was not unheard of but Jasper knew there was something deeper going on here.
"How is she?" Esme inquired, not needing to specify who she was asking about. "This afternoon must have been a lot for her. I know it certainly wore on the rest of us."
Indeed, Carlisle had closed himself and Esme in his study, nearly as Jasper and Bella reached the door, whispering worries and hopes for their family. Rosalie and Emmett were in the garage by the time Bella opened the car door. Jasper didn't want to think about what activities actually occurred in the garage prior to him parking his car in there.
They all had their own ways of decompressing. Clearly, Carlisle and Esme were able to come to terms with the state of things rather quickly since she was ready to meet him in the yard by the time he returned. Anxiety still worried at Esme's typically calm state, but there it was again, the curiosity and growing suspicion.
Jasper thought over her question. Bella had not particularly been ecstatic to return to her apartment or leave the car. He'd sensed a lot of conflict in her and he questioned her about it too, asked if she'd like him to stay and keep her company or talk about what happened. Despite his earnesty, and what he'd sensed as a want to say yes, she'd declined. She wouldn't admit to it, and he wouldn't force it out of her but he could sense her worry, exhaustion, and guilt. He knew she must still question her place in everything.
He wished she let him stay.
Jasper tried to answer Esme's question truthfully, without betraying the trust Bella had in him, but he was pretty sure the furrow on his brow betrayed his own worry. "Today was hard on her, like you said. I believe she is taking some time to tidy up before her father arrives for the holiday. I was going to check-in on her again once she has had time to decompress."
Esme hmmed and nodded as they made their way toward the north side of the property, finally edging out of hearing distance from the house and garage. She didn't comment on the mention of Bella's father like he thought she might.
"You really care for her."
She didn't phrase it as a question but Jasper felt compelled to respond, "Yes."
Esme's eyebrow quirked, compelling him to continue. He cared for Bella, but he was positive Esme didn't understand the complexity. He was convinced she could not know the immense effect Bella's presence had on him.
"When Alice left, my state of being grew darker. Alice's departure was not something anyone was expecting but as her partner, my whole world shifted. I'd joined this family for her and it wasn't until later that I realized it was good for me as well, but my strongest tether to anything was still her." He explained for the sake of clarity, knowing his mother had watched him mourn his relationship, but also so she could experience the difference with him. "Once she left, I felt like a part of my purpose was missing. Like I told Carlisle, I didn't want to become another mindless immortal living for blood. I couldn't do that again, it would have killed what's left of me. Attending college, trying to make myself immune to the smell wasn't enough. It was a challenge, a challenge I would have continued to face, but it wasn't enough to give me a drive. I became used to the scents of my classmates, yes, but in crowded rooms I still held my breath. That's actually what started this whole incident. I held my breath and couldn't tell Bella was there until it was too late." Though Jasper knew he'd started intensely, he felt himself mellow out at the thought of that first day. Did he want to tell his mother how Bella had ripped into him so bad he felt compelled to make it up to her? That felt too one-sided. Their bond seemed to be more than that now. He couldn't remember the last time he'd thought of the time he spent with Bella as retribution. No, the time they spent together now was that of friends, confidants, and it was something Jasper realized he couldn't fully put words to.
Esme glanced at him, a knowing look settling over her, "It was very good of you to take care of Bella like that, the way you did in the month you kept her secret from us, but I am even happier how you brought her back into our lives." They walked further, past old stone walls to the furthest edge of their property. "I'd been wondering what had changed your mood so much, you seemed so buoyant when you would come help me with the house. I thought you might float away." Esme wore a teasing smile he was more used to seeing aimed at Emmett.
He wasn't sure where she was going with this but he considered her words. Comparatively, he decided, she was right. If he took into account the way he acted when Alice first left, his mood had completely changed since his reacquaintance with Bella.
He was even more sure of himself when he next spoke, deciding that of anyone, Esme would be the one to tell this to. "Originally, when Bella cornered me and demanded I listen, I came to the conclusion that I must make up for all the damages and suffering we'd inadvertently caused. I was determined that she would lead a happy life. I wanted her to be happy but I hadn't considered the extent to which I would have to go for that. I wasn't aware of how easily she would have an effect on me." He considered everything that happened between that first meeting and her reintroduction to the Cullens today. "I'm thankful for my misguided conviction now."
Esme finally paused their walk on the mound of roots beneath two large barren trees, shaking her head. "Bella is a special human," she admitted with a small smile. "My boys just can't seem to stay away from her."
That knowing was still there, settled over Esme's conviction but Jasper was left perplexed at such an odd statement.
Her smile was sweet, like a mother's, when she continued, "It's quite clear how you two have bonded, you must have grown very close. I was pleasantly surprised to see how protective of her you were at the house."
Unsure of the direction of this conversation but unable to deny it, Jasper admitted, "Yes, she's become a good friend to me. I didn't expect it and it wasn't my original aim but I believe Bella and I have an amiable connection. I would be rather upset if it ended."
Softly, like trying to explain something to a child, Esme responded, "I noticed the way you looked at her, Jasper." Esme gave Jasper a look now, a gleam in her eye. "You were so attuned to her, more so than you typically are to us. I could tell every time you wanted to take control of the room but you didn't. You let her feel while your eyes stayed locked on her." Esme paused, "And the way you looked at her," she shook her head, mystified. "It was like you never wanted to look away."
Jasper was stunned. Could Esme be insinuating what he thought she was?
He had to correct her. "Bella and I are friends, Esme. There are so many things," He stopped himself before he could go down the path of consideration. "As enjoyable as our time is together, I can promise you that nothing untoward has occurred."
Esme's disposition didn't change with Jasper's declaration. She simply said, "It's amazing how our worlds shift, isn't it? You didn't begin your relationship by promising neverending support, yet you still held her hand and soothed her at any sign that she needed it." Esme paused to smile wider, like she'd thought of the best idea. "I remember the looks you used to send Rosalie when she was in one of her moods. Her irritation always got to you particularly well."
Jasper could remember several times, particularly when Edward had first shown his interest in Bella. Rosalie's irritation and anger had always fed his own. It'd taken extra effort in the past to center himself when Rosalie's negative emotions would pique, like he had a more difficult time telling them apart from his own.
Esme continued, "But you were so focused on Bella today, I could tell Rose's outburst didn't phase you. When you were on the couch, from the moment you walked through the door even, it was as if nothing mattered to you more than Bella's comfort."
Jasper's near empty stomach rolled in discomfort. There was nothing in Esme's descriptions that he could deny but surely that couldn't be the crux of Esme's argument.
Then, Jasper thought about it more carefully. Esme had been correct in saying he'd had trouble coping with Rosalie's emotions in the past but unlike his comfort around humans, he couldn't contribute his ease dealing with her emotions today to his time spent with Bella. Right?
Esme nodded to herself before imparting one additional piece of wisdom. "You know, Jasper, I think, perhaps, Bella was looking at you that way too." Then, she left it at that, leaving Jasper to think on it.
Once more, Jasper doubted his mother's revelations. Esme must have misread the way they looked at each other. They'd grown into a close friendship and Bella knew he was there for support.
Beyond the looks, Esme must have misread the entire situation. Bella needed his support. Did his mother not understand the precarious emotional edge Bella stood on today? He knew he was protective over Bella. Of course he was. Isabella Swan didn't deserve any more harm than what had already befallen her. He'd sworn to himself he'd facilitate her having a better life. She deserved it. After all, she was witty, incredibly intelligent, and a caring young woman, not to mention beautiful.
He froze, his own emotions reacting to the thought in a way he was hesitant to interpret. Still, he lingered on the idea.
She was beautiful, in a very human way. She had none of the stone-cold smoothness of a vampire but creamy skin that was soft on its own, a smile that turned several of his days around, and a glint to her eyes that always made Jasper wonder what he was missing when he read her emotions. He thought about the way his body urged him to touch her. At first, he'd related the urge to wanting to provide comfort but recently, he knew he'd done it for his own benefit. He liked the warmth of her hand and the way she'd look at him, like she appreciated the touch too.
And like that, Jasper realized his denial towards Esme had been for nothing. He was falling into the same trap he'd judged his brother so harshly for. Bella was a special human, as Esme had said.
His revelation tore at him in the worst way. Bella saw the best in him and he'd unknowingly taken advantage of that. Why couldn't he let a good thing be a good thing? If he developed emotions for Bella, everything would change. He didn't want to lose that friendship that was already between them.
He needed time to think, away from his family who would become curious, away from Esme who'd brought these thoughts to his head in the first place.
He sent one text to Rosalie, so someone would know where he was.
Jasper 6:37 PM
Went hunting. I'll be back in a couple of days.
He shut off his phone, to conserve battery he told himself, and took off towards the Adirondacks.
It had been a cloudy day and, despite all of the cleaning she had done to her apartment last night, Bella didn't feel any better. It might be because she'd texted Jasper twice yesterday and hadn't heard back. It was so unlike him that it left her nerves on fire. Had she done something wrong? Did he think now that his family had seen her that anything he'd owed her was over? He hadn't owed her anything. She'd absolved him of anything he should have felt guilty about in their first conversation, she thought. Was he receiving backlash from his family?
She tried to think back. The end of the Cullen family visit had gone the best it possibly could in her opinion. Despite her prattling on about all of her hallucinations, each of the family members had seemed to be happy to have her back or at least relieved that she wasn't facing what she had any longer. Even Rose had said a few kind words to her.
She couldn't think of another reason Jasper wouldn't have texted her to at least tell her he was busy and he'd talk to her later. The knot in her stomach grew in size.
She sent another text, afraid to seem clingy but unsure of where they stood since he'd so often spent the evenings and afternoons texting her when they weren't together.
Bella 1:32 PM
The apartment is officially clean! Do you want to come over to hang out sometime before Charlie gets here on Thursday?
Jasper hadn't answered the only text she sent yesterday and she hadn't been able to text him again, the silence being the only rejection she needed. Still, she worried.
Bella 9:12 AM
Is everything okay?