Interlude: Wine Not?
Day Six
Cobra Base Number 21: Chateau De Arboc, Bordeaux, France.
"Now this is more like it!" Cobra Commander sighed as he drank a glass of wine in a rustic large mansion.
"I have to admit that this wine is rather pleasing," Destro took a sip. Most of the Cobras were in the room drinking wine. (With the exception of the Dreadnoks).
"Good body," The Baroness nodded as she sipped. "Nice nose."
"But enough about me," Mindbender quipped.
"That's about as funny as a heart attack," Cobra Commander remarked. "You should have one."
"It's a shame we didn't find Vapor, Zero…" Tomax began.
"Or any of our subordinates here," Xamot added.
"Other than Marcel and his crew," Tomax finished.
"Who make very good wine," Xamot took a sip.
"Honestly that's a plus," Cobra Commander admitted. "At least something in Cobra works right! It feels good to enjoy the fruits of our labors now and again."
Crystal Ball was on a table nearby. "Since when do you work?"
"He tends to work our last nerves," Destro remarked.
BOOOOOOOM!
"Speaking of which…" Destro groaned. "Zartan what are your idiot Dreadnoks blowing up now?"
"They found some fireworks somewhere," Zartan waved.
"And nobody is worried about this?" Destro asked. "Really? No one is the least bit concerned?"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Cobra Commander!" A thin wry older French man with white hair and a twinkle in his eye walked in. He was wearing boots and jeans with a simple denim like shirt. "How are you enjoying your wine?"
"Quite well Marceau," Cobra Commander admitted.
BOOOOOOOM!
"I'd enjoy it better without that racket," The Baroness winced.
"Oh, do not worry madame…" Marceau waved.
"Mademoiselle!" The Baroness corrected.
Marceau ignored her. "Your friends are just having some fun with some fireworks! It's nothing serious! Besides, that tractor hasn't worked right in years. I was planning on replacing it anyway."
"They're blowing up a tractor?" Zartan asked.
BOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Quite well," Marceau nodded. "Oh, I wanted to tell you. We just got in some new aged Bordeaux I think you will find divine, Commander!"
Cobra Commander remarked. "I like this guy!"
"You just drink and relax," Marceau told them. "Enjoy yourselves. I always tell you Cobra Commander to just come down here more often and enjoy yourself!"
"I don't remember you saying that," Cobra Commander admitted. "In fact, I don't remember hiring you at all. But I'm going to take your word for it. Lead me to the Bordeaux!"
"Right this way," Marceau showed him.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Lead me to someplace that has noise cancelling headphones," Destro groaned.
Day Seven
"Destro I know we're in a winery," Cobra Commander remarked as he walked the hallways of the mansion with his second in command. "But that doesn't mean you have to whine all day!"
"I'm just saying we should continue our search for our missing underlings," Destro said.
"That can wait," Cobra Commander snapped. "It's not like they're in a hurry to be found! Besides, we have everything we need here! The wine is excellent! The food is excellent. The beds are comfortable."
"YEAH WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Buzzer was heard howling in the corridors somewhere.
"The Dreadnoks are occupied," Cobra Commander added. "So what's the rush?"
"You are aware that on top of everything else," Destro asked. "Cobra is wanted for just about everything right?"
"Destro," Cobra Commander patted him on the back. "Destro. Destro. If I've learned anything over my thirty plus years of being in the terrorist slash world domination gig it's…"
"Not to use giant vegetables to attack a city?" Destro interrupted. "Particularly in winter?"
Cobra Commander paused. "Okay two things. But the other thing is…"
"Never trust the Dreadnoks to do anything right?" Destro interrupted. "Or sane?"
Cobra Commander sighed. "All right three things. Four things if you count making a genetically altered emperor to run your organization is a stupid idea!"
"I will give you that," Destro admitted.
"Okay one of the four things I've learned…" Cobra Commander began. "There is a fifth one. Drinking really takes the edge off for me during high pressured situations."
"You are less cowardly when you're soused," Destro remarked. "I will admit that you tend to have a reckless resolute streak that has gotten you through more situations than I thought you would."
"Right. One of the five things I've learned…" Cobra Commander went on.
"Not to trust ghosts?" Destro added. "Especially if you want to use them to make an army of the undead."
"Six things I've learned…" Cobra Commander sighed.
"To never underestimate GI Joe?" Destro went on. "If you have a self-destruct button for a base, don't make it so obvious? Or in arm's reach of your enemies? If you make a giant sea serpent to destroy ships and steal cargo, perhaps having some kind of failsafe should be installed in case you get captured? Or…"
"Fine!" Cobra Commander snapped. "This is one of the top ten things I've learned! I've learned that the good things in life seldom last! So why not enjoy them why they do? If you have a good thing, don't be in a rush to leave it!"
Destro paused. "That's actually sound advice. Especially coming from you."
"I'm over a hundred years old," Cobra Commander said. "Again, I've learned a lot over the decades."
"Really?" Destro asked.
"Cobra La nobility can live for thousands of years," Cobra Commander remarked. "Lower classes only about a couple hundred. Unless you get a really good butler. Then you want him to last forever!"
"I did not know that," Destro remarked. "You have technology that makes people live longer?"
"Hell, Golobulus lived over a million years," Cobra Commander said. "Or was it just 899,999? The point is he didn't always have that snake tail and wings. He was the last of the pale skins as well as the serpent lords! Our species didn't always have blue skin. We developed that color in order for us to live longer."
"Blue skin means long lives?"
"Ever see a Smurf in a nursing home?" Cobra Commander snapped. "My point is that we should relax and enjoy ourselves. Which is what I am planning on doing as long as possible!"
"As much as I appreciate the sentiment," Destro said. "I will feel better if I can at the very least inspect a few more bases and eliminate some possibilities."
"Do what you want," Cobra Commander waved as he walked away. "As long as I don't have to listen to you. Marceau! More drinks!"
"How that man lived this long is a mystery to me," Destro grumbled to himself.
"Haven't you realized by now that alcohol is a preservative?" The Baroness said as she walked up to him.
"So is having blue skin apparently," Destro sighed. "Baroness. I wonder if you might accompany me to check on a few more bases using the spaceship?"
"What makes you think that I would go anywhere with you, alone?" The Baroness folded her arms.
"Do you really want to stay here all day?" Destro asked.
"ONWARD CHOMPERS!" Monkeywrench laughed as he rode in the cart driven by the goat. "LOOK AT ME! I'M BEN HUR!"
CRASH! SMASH!
"No, I do not," The Baroness admitted. "Let's roll."
"Where shall we go first?" Destro asked.
CRASH! SMASH!
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"As far from these people as we can," The Baroness added.
"How about we check out the country of Bulgaria?" Destro suggested.
"It's a start," The Baroness admitted. "It can't be any worse than here."
"Oh, don't tempt fate like that," Destro groaned.
Cobra Base Number 22: Sofia, Bulgaria
"Well this is par for the course," Destro sighed as he looked at the burned down building on the outskirts of the city.
"According to this file," The Baroness looked at an electronic pad. "This used to be a fireworks warehouse…"
"I think I can deduce what happened here," Destro stopped her. "I don't care who did it. Or how it happened. I'm pretty sure I can guess."
"There's a café down the street," The Baroness pointed. "Want to get a coffee?"
"Why not?" Destro sighed. "Do you want to rob the café as well or…?"
"Depends on how good their pastries are," The Baroness admitted as they went to get a drink.
Meanwhile back at the vineyard….
"Marceau this is some of the best wine I have tasted," Cobra Commander remarked as he drank his wine through a straw. He was sitting on a chair on an outside patio relaxing.
"Merci Cobra Commander," Marceau grinned as he poured more wine. "I am glad you finally made it here Commander. After all these years…"
"I know," Cobra Commander sighed. "I've been meaning to get away but you know…?"
"You've been busy," Marceau nodded.
"Didn't know this place existed," Cobra Commander admitted. "If I had I would have been here years ago! This is damn fine wine. And such a lovely place. The scenery is sublime. The vineyards. The French countryside."
FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"The arson," Cobra Commander groaned as he looked over and saw a barn on fire. "The smoke in the air…"
"Oh, don't worry," Marceau waved. "No one has used that barn in years. Too many rats."
BOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Well not anymore," Cobra Commander remarked. "That should take care of the infestation."
Marceau shrugged. "We can just build another barn. Would you like more wine?"
"WHOO EEE!" Torch was heard shouting. "Look at that thing burn!"
"Look at those rats run!" Tiffany squealed. "While they're on fire!"
Cobra Commander paused. "Hit me again…" He held out his glass.
Cobra Base Number 23: Monserrat, France
"How the hell could the twins forget that they sold the Cobra base to a bunch of monks?" The Baroness groaned as she picked at her meal. She and Destro were sitting at a table by a window overlooking not only the city but the mountains as well.
"It's the twins," Destro remarked. "Those two have barely one brain cell between them and they share it constantly."
"Cross off another base," The Baroness sighed. "And another failure."
"Well Bulgaria only had one," Destro remarked. "And there are quite a few in France. Spain and Italy. Those countries seem to have the most bases."
"So, we leave those three countries for last," The Baroness sighed. "Well at least it gives us a break from the drunken debauchery and insanity. I'm starting to think it's affecting me."
"I think we both needed a break," Destro sighed as he sipped some wine. "I think for once the Commander had a point. We need to slow down and enjoy the quiet while it lasts."
"I agree," The Baroness nodded. "Destro do you remember our weekend in Paris?"
"That was fun," Destro sighed. "We did have a good thing going. Before I screwed it all up."
"Well…" The Baroness paused. "Let's just say it wasn't all your fault. I think at the time our careers got in the way."
"Such as they are," Destro groaned. "Look where that got us!"
"I'm in no hurry to go back," The Baroness sighed. "Part of me is tempted to take the spaceship and leave the lot of them there. A large part."
"I know," Destro admitted. "So do I. If it wasn't for that fact that those fools will track us down sooner or later…"
"This group does have the habit of showing up when you least want them to," The Baroness nodded. "People leave then they run right back to us. Like some kind of drunken deranged homing pigeons."
"Still that doesn't mean we have to go back right away," Destro remarked. "It's not like anyone will miss us."
"What do you suggest?" The Baroness raised an eyebrow.
"Finishing dinner for starters," Destro shrugged. "Then let's see where the night takes us."
"I'll drink to that," The Baroness clinked glasses with him.
Day Eight
"Commander you have to admit this is serious," Xamot said.
"I agree," Tomax remarked. "Marceau won't give us the books to the winery."
"Who would want to read when you have a view like this?" Cobra Commander waved as he pointed to the windows. He was sitting in a spacious living room with several bottles of wine on a table next to him.
"The accounting books," Tomax glared at him.
"Honestly I can't blame him," Cobra Commander said. "Given your track record…"
"We need to know what the state of the winery is!" Xamot protested.
"Let me make an educated guess," Cobra Commander said. "This winery is still standing. Mostly. There's plenty of wine to drink and food to eat. I'm going to say that the state of this winery is pretty damn good."
"That's only because Marceau has been shoving a different bottle of wine in your face…" Xamot bristled.
"Every half hour!" Tomax finished.
"I'll give the man this," Cobra Commander said admiringly. "He knows how to manage things and make me happy. Which is more than I can say for you twin twits!"
"But the books…" Xamot began.
"Oh, forget about the stupid books and take a break," Cobra Commander groaned. "You two are starting to sound like Destro!"
"Where is Destro anyway?" Tomax realized something. "We haven't seen him…"
"All day," Xamot remarked.
"Who knows? Who cares?" Cobra Commander snorted as he finished his drink. "I need a break from that buzzkill."
"You don't think he'd…" Xamot realized.
"Steal the spaceship and strand us here, don't you?" Tomax asked.
"Oh please," Cobra Commander waved. "Destro knows better than to do that. Mostly because he's tried to ditch me and Cobra so many times. But we always come back. No matter how unlikely it is, we always come back."
TAP! TAP! TAP!
"What the hell is that?" Cobra Commander noticed something. He got up and went to the window. "What the…"
SMASH!
"BUCK-KAAAWWWW!" Blood Wing in his turkey form burst through the window. "Surprise suckers!"
"AAAHHHH!" Cobra Commander fell backwards with Blood Wing on his stomach.
"Thought you could leave me behind, did you?" Blood Wing stuck his beak in Cobra Commander's face. "Think again!"
"GET OFF ME YOU OVERGROWN OVERWEIGHT FEATHER DUSTER!" Cobra Commander screamed as he tried to shove off Blood Wing from his stomach.
"Huh," Tomax remarked.
"He's right," Xamot admitted.
"We always do come back," The Twins said as one.
"How did you find us?" Cobra Commander aske as he shoved the vampire turkey off of him.
"It wasn't easy!" Blood Wing snapped. "First of all, do you know how hard it is to fly across an ocean? Even with supernatural strength and turkey wings it's no picnic! Thank God I managed to land on a cruise ship on its way to Portugal!"
Blood Wing took a deep breath. "Not that it was an easy ride let me tell you."
FLASHBACK!
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKK!" Blood Wing flew around the pool deck, being chased by some chefs with large knives and a few deckhands with nets.
"AAAK!" People screamed as Blood Wing jumped onto their stomachs and in some cases heads as they lay in deck chairs.
"I AM SO GOING TO LEAVE A BAD REVIEW ABOUT THIS CRUISE ONLINE!" Blood Wing warned as he was being chased.
FLASHBACK!
Blood Wing in his turkey form was shivering in a large walk in freezer. "This is the one place those jerks won't think of looking for a live turkey! Good thing this ship is docking in port in a few days. As soon as the sun goes down, I can change into human form and walk around without being noticed."
FLASHBACK!
"STOWAWAY!" A deckhand shouted as he and a small security force chased Blood Wing in his human form around the ship. "GET THAT STOWAWAY!"
"I just can't catch a break around here," Blood Wing groaned.
Somehow Blood Wing managed to give his pursuers the slip. He slipped into a hotel room. Where a beautiful woman was sitting in bed. "Oh my!" She gasped.
"Well hello…" Blood Wing raised an eyebrow.
"Hello…" The woman purred back.
"Ooh, don't even have to use my hypnosis with this one," Blood Wing grinned. "Okay…This night just got better!"
FLASHBACK!
"I'LL KILLYOU!" The husband of the beautiful woman chased around Blood Wing in his underwear around the cabin. "I'LL KILL YOU!"
"This is getting ridiculous!" Blood Wing groaned. "Wait a minute! I'm a vampire! Why am I running?"
He turned around and showed his fangs…
Less than five minutes later…
"AAAAHHH!" The woman ran away wearing only a sexy nightshirt out of the cabin. "HE KILLED MY HUSBAND! MURDER! MURDER!"
"Oh, come on!" Blood Wing wiped off the blood from his lips. He was still in his underwear. "It was pretty obvious the two of you were headed for a divorce! I just saved you thousands of dollars in legal bills! You're welcome!"
"SECURITY!"
"Time to dine and dash!" Blood Wing gulped as he grabbed his clothes and ran away.
FLASHBACK!
"AAAAAHHH!" Blood Wing was once again in his turkey form being chased around the ship. By several chefs with large knives. "I AM NOT ON THE MENU!"
FLASHBACK!
"The second that sun goes down…" Blood Wing was shivering in the walk-in freezer. "I am going to get those jerks!"
FLASHBACK!
"Who's on the menu now?" Blood Wing grinned as he stood in his human form in the middle of a blood-soaked kitchen. Several dead chefs, prep chefs and some security members were lying around.
He licked some blood off of his fingers. "You know everyone was right. You just can't help but pig out when you're on a cruise. I wouldn't be surprised if I gained ten pounds from this trip. Then again I've been getting a lot of exercise…"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Any-who…" Blood Wing groaned. He was now sitting in a chair and drinking some wine, using his wing to hold the glass. "When I disembarked the ship, I met up with a few contacts of mine. I heard about your little parade incident and flew after you! All I had to do was follow the trail of destruction and look around every vineyard that was in my path. Again. Not that easy."
FLASHBACK!
"OH, COME ON!" Blood Wing screamed as several farmers chased him with axes through several fields. "YOU PEOPLE DON'T EVEN HAVE THANKSGIVING OVER HERE!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"I heard about a vineyard called Arboc which is obviously Cobra backwards," Blood Wing finished his tale. "Heard about a bunch of lunatics there blowing things up and setting a barn on fire and I figured this is the place!"
"Should have named you Blood Hound instead of Blood Wing," Cobra Commander grumbled as he took another drink.
"So, what did I miss?" Blood Wing asked.
"Oh, nothing much," Cobra Commander shrugged. "Just you know? Stuff."
"Okay," Blood Wing paused. "What's the deal with the spaceship in the back?"
"Oh that?" Cobra Commander asked. "Just something we picked up in another dimension. No big deal. Boring story anyway."
"You've been using it to steal, haven't you?" Blood Wing asked.
"Not as much as you think," Cobra Commander said. "We're tracking down my other idiot subordinates."
"And you found the wine cellar," Blood Wing said.
"I'm taking a break!" Cobra Commander said.
"Uh huh," Blood Wing said. "You know I want my share of the loot, right?"
"You didn't steal any of it!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Uh Cobra Commander," Xamot coughed.
"Vampire!" Tomax added.
"Yeah you know that when the sun goes down, I get more powerful right?" Blood Wing glared at him. "And thirsty?"
"Oh fine!" Cobra Commander waved. "But from now on you're pulling your own weight around here!"
CRASH! SMASH! CRASH!
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"WHOOOO HOOOO!"
"Someone around here has to," Cobra Commander groaned.
"WHEEEEEE!" Ripper rode through the room in a cart pulled by Chompers while waving some sprinklers. "THIS IS FUN!"
CRASH! SMASH!
Chompers tore through the room wrecking furniture before leaving it. "They're still doing that, huh?" Cobra Commander sighed.
"Apparently," The Twins said as one.
"You really didn't miss much around here," Cobra Commander groaned.
Blood Wing looked at Cobra Commander. "Why did I come back to you people again?"
"Beats me," Cobra Commander took a drink. "Sometimes I don't even know why I stay with these lunatics!"
Day Nine:
"I never thought that staying at a winery in France would be anything but restful," Destro groaned as he drank some coffee. He and the Baroness were finishing up breakfast on the patio.
"Honestly I can only sit around and watch the Cobra version of Sideways for so long," The Baroness groaned. "How late did they stay up last night?"
"God only knows," Destro yawned. "I passed out around two. I think I'm building up a tolerance to their antics. Not that listening to Cobra Commander sing the entire score to La Cage Aux Folles wasn't entertaining…"
"It was like listening to a drunken bicycle tire leak out," The Baroness said.
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU INSANE ANIMAL!" Blood Wing in his turkey form ran away from Chompers. "NO! NO! I AM NOT YOUR LUNCH! GOATS DON'T EVEN EAT BIRDS! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!"
"BAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"The bird is back?" Destro asked.
"Apparently," The Baroness remarked. "So…You want to borrow the spaceship again and get out of here?"
CRASH!
"That window was already broken!" Blood Wing was heard shouting. "By the evil devil goat here!"
"BAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"Yes," Destro sighed. "The homing pigeon simile is terrifyingly accurate."
"So where to next?" The Baroness asked, ignoring all the chaos.
"There are two bases in Poland I want to check out," Destro remarked.
CRASH!
"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"GO CHOMPERS GO!" Torch was heard shouting.
"DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!" Blood Wing shouted.
"Marceau! More wine!" Cobra Commander called out.
"Let's roll," The Baroness groaned as they got up.
Cobra Base Number 24: Wieliczka, Poland
"The Cobra Base is in the famous salt mines?" The Baroness was stunned as she looked at the map.
"Apparently there are some secret tunnels that were dug a few decades ago," Destro remarked. "We can join a tour and pretend to be tourists to scout things out."
"You'll have to remove your mask," The Baroness pointed out.
"And you have to change your clothes," Destro pointed at the Baroness' clothing.
"I think I can scrounge up something," The Baroness remarked. "I picked out a few things during our travels. I put them in the back."
"Well then," Destro said. "Let's go visit a salt mine!"
Two hours later…
"Well that was a bust," The Baroness grumbled. She was wearing a simple red top and jeans with boots. "After two hours we find out that the tunnels to the Cobra base collapsed over a decade ago because they were shoddily built!"
"It was an interesting tour," Destro remarked as he walked in. He looked like a lumberjack with a plaid red and black shirt over his usual pants and boots. And of course, his face was shown with his beard. "And we got away from the idiots for a while. Not a total loss."
"True," The Baroness shrugged. She looked at him. "I'm not used to seeing your real face. I like it."
"Well thank you…" Destro was taken aback. "It feels weird though not wearing my mask. I mean I've worn one ever since I was seven."
"Your family made you wear a mask since you were seven years old?" The Baroness was stunned.
"Actually, the rules are you don't get your mask until you're sixteen," Destro said. "But I was an eager child so I wore a practice mask up until then. Usually they give the practice masks when you're ten. But I took to masks like I was born to it. Which I technically was."
Destro sighed. "I remember how my father looked so proud whenever I wore my practice mask. Dinners were a little messy but he said that was part of growing up. I mean it was hard to learn to eat with a mask at first but I persisted. Then he wore his mask at dinner to support me. He was a good man."
Destro paused. "Well maybe not a good man. I mean he was selling weapons to terrorists left and right, murdered quite a few people and was cheating on my mother every chance he got…But still."
The Baroness paused. "That actually explains a lot about you."
"Yes well…" Destro sighed. "Let's go to the other base in Poland. Hopefully that one won't be a bust as well."
"Don't hold your breath," The Baroness groaned.
Cobra Base Number 25: Bialowiezia National Park, Poland
"So…" The Baroness blinked at the sight of a dilapidated ranger station that was covered by a huge flock of birds. "Our base has been taken over by owls."
"Pigmy owls if I am not mistaken," Destro sighed.
Just then the owls' eyes started to glow. "Correction," Destro gulped. "Mutated pigmy owls!"
"What the hell was…?" The Baroness began.
"Don't ask," Destro began to carefully back away. "Just back away. Back away."
ZZAAAAAAPP!
One of the owls shot a laser beam from its eyes right at their feet. "RUN!" Destro shouted as they turned and ran.
"WWWWWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The birds started to flap their wings and chase them.
"THIS IS ALL MINDBENDER'S FAULT!" The Baroness shouted as they fled from their avian adversaries. "Who else would create something this insane?"
"Agreed!" Destro groaned. "I swear one day I am going to wring that insane scientist's neck!"
Twenty minutes later the two disheveled Cobras were flying away in the spaceship. "I can't believe we survived…" Destro groaned. "I can't believe we survived…"
"I can't believe my life!" The Baroness groaned. "I think those damn things singed my hair!"
"I think it's safe to say that the others are not in Poland," Destro sighed. "Let's check out Paris for the rest of the day."
"We don't have any bases in Paris," The Baroness realized.
"Precisely," Destro said. "I need a break."
"I'd like to break Mindbender's neck," The Baroness groaned.
Day Ten:
"Where were you two all day yesterday?" Zartan asked as Destro and the Baroness entered the kitchen the following morning.
"Out," The Baroness asked. "Is that all right with you?"
"Last I checked you were not our supervisor," Destro added.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"However, you are the supervisor of those morons playing with fireworks!" Destro pointed outside.
"That can't be the Dreadnoks," Zartan realized. "They're still passed out in their rooms after that wine drinking contest from last night."
"A wine drinking contest?" The Baroness asked. "Am I safe to assume Cobra Commander won."
"He wasn't even playing," Zartan said. "We wanted to keep it fair. Dreadnok only contest. Tiffany won by the way. With Torch coming in a close second."
"Then it must be Mindbender," Destro guessed. "Doing God knows what kind of experiments."
"What am I doing?" Mindbender walked in yawning. "Boy that was some drinking contest last night. Where's the coffee?"
"You're not doing some kind of unholy experiment out there?" Destro asked.
"The only experiment I've been doing this week is to see what red wine goes best with which meal," Mindbender admitted. "And how many brain cells I can destroy apparently."
"Well if it wasn't you," Destro thought. "And if it wasn't the Dreadnoks…Then who…?"
Cobra Commander walked in, his uniform scorched. "Uh…We had an incident."
"What kind of incident?" Destro asked.
"Well Marceau and I were having some fun and drinking…" Cobra Commander fidgeted. "He was showing me one of the cellars and the lights had burned out so we couldn't see. So, I grabbed what I thought was a candle and handed it to Marceau…"
"It wasn't a candle wasn't it?" Destro groaned.
"No, it was not," Cobra Commander sighed. "Zartan you really need to have a talk with your Dreadnoks about firecracker safety! I was almost killed! If I hadn't realized what it was at the last second and run out, I'd have more than a burned-up uniform!"
"And Marceau?" Mindbender asked.
"Marceau didn't make it…" Cobra Commander coughed. "It's a shame. I actually liked him. His wife will be devastated."
"Not as much as you think," Mindbender scratched his head. "I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you I had a tiny little affair with Marceau's wife, Michelle."
"You slept with Michelle?" Cobra Commander did a double take. "When?"
"The second day we got here is when it started," Mindbender admitted. "She said she wanted to show me the cheese cellar. Showed me a lot more than that…"
"Oh, dear God…" Destro groaned. "I can't believe it!"
"You can't believe it!" Zartan protested. "Mindbender's gotten lucky twice this year and I'm in a freaking slump!"
"Three times!" Mindbender protested.
"Oh right, that rich Saudi's wife," Cobra Commander remembered. "You managed to score with one of his wives."
"Technically two of his wives," Mindbender admitted. "He only caught me with the one."
"Now I feel even worse," Zartan groaned.
"Me too," Cobra Commander groaned. "Good thing Marceau is already dead. This would have killed him."
"You killed him," Zartan looked at Cobra Commander.
"Only technically!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Again, your Dreadnoks and their complete disregard of firework safety are to blame!"
"Someone has to break this to Michelle…" Mindbender sighed. "I volunteer!" He ran off.
"Oh, for the love of…" Cobra Commander groaned. "I guess there's only one thing to do. Well two things if you include changing my uniform…"
An hour later the Cobras were standing around outside along with the remaining workers of the vineyard. Standing around a small pine box. A beautiful French woman sobbed loudly as Mindbender patted his hand.
"We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of Marceau…" Cobra Commander spoke. "Whatever his last name was. Marceau the winemaker. He was a good guy. I didn't know him long but he was the type of employee that all other Cobras should emulate."
"All he did was pour you drinks," Crystal Ball remarked. Zandar was holding him.
"Not a high bar to beat if you think about it!" Cobra Commander snapped. "He made me happy. Which is more than some people around here are capable of doing!"
"I'd like a word with you people," Cobra Commander went on. "Which one of you morons was the one who stored dynamite in a wine cellar? Really? Really? Thanks to you we lost a lot of good alcohol! A lot of great wine is being enjoyed by the angels thanks to your carelessness!"
"And Marceau," Destro reminded him.
"Yeah him too," Cobra Commander waved. "In fact, I was nearly killed! So, which one of you had the brilliant idea to put the dynamite in the wine cellar? Fess up!"
"It was Torch!" Crystal Ball spoke up.
"You bloody squealer…" Torch glared at the ball.
"I should have known!" Cobra Commander snapped. "I should have known! I have to ask. WHY?"
"I didn't want Chompers to eat them," Torch admitted.
"Oh yes God forbid the stupid goat gets blown up!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Never mind me! Never mind all the wine we could have had!"
"And Marceau," Destro remarked. "Marceau got blown up."
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Michelle sobbed as she leaned against Mindbender.
"There, there my dear…" Mindbender patted her on the back. "He is in a better place."
"Well duh!" Cobra Commander snapped. "He has all that wine with him!"
"You're not going to let this go, are you?" Torch groaned.
"All that wine, wasted!" Cobra Commander sniffed. "All that lovely wine which never had the chance to touch anyone's lips…It's tragic. So, tragic. All because Torch couldn't find a better place to store the dynamite! SERIOUSLY!"
"There's plenty more wine in the other two or three cellars," Torch protested.
"You didn't put dynamite in those did you?" Cobra Commander asked.
"No," Torch said.
"Oh well then," Cobra Commander clapped his hands once. "Life goes on. Tomorrow is another day. Yada. Yada. Yada. Amen. Let's drink!"
"Lovely service," Tiffany sniffed.
"Touching," Destro rolled his eyes.
"Speaking of which," The Baroness pointed to the widow who was now making out with Mindbender. "I see her period of mourning is over."
"I need a drink," Zartan said in disgust as the Cobras left.
"That actually went better than most of our funerals," Zandar remarked.
"Back to Paris for the day?" Destro asked.
"Oh yeah," The Baroness sighed.
Day Eleven:
"Good morning everyone!" Mindbender walked into the kitchen where Zartan, Destro and Cobra Commander were sitting having a meal.
"It's almost noon," Destro remarked. "We're just starting lunch."
"Oh," Mindbender blinked. "That explains why I was alone in bed when I woke up. Michelle must have made lunch."
"Actually, she didn't," Cobra Commander snapped. "And she didn't make breakfast either!"
"Sorry about that," Mindbender shrugged. "We had a late night. Ooh! Coffee!" He went to get some.
"Well this is just disturbing," Destro groaned.
"I know," Cobra Commander said. "Ever since Marceau died, service around here has gone to hell."
"The woman's husband just died," Destro said.
"Didn't stop her from schtupping our mad scientist," Cobra Commander pointed out. "Maybe that's how they grieve here? They have sex and they don't eat. It would explain why a lot of French widows are so thin."
"What does it say about all of us when Mindbender is the only one getting laid?" Zartan snapped.
"Eh, yes…" Destro coughed. "Just him."
"Hang on," Cobra Commander paused. "I know that cough. I've heard that cough before. And it's not influenza."
"What's not influenza?" Mindbender walked over with a cup of coffee.
"I think you weren't the only one who's gotten lucky on this trip," Zartan realized something.
"Not so lucky if the person he was with is who I think it is!" Cobra Commander said. "You didn't!"
"Did what?" Mindbender asked.
"A gentleman never tells," Destro sniffed. "But yes, I did."
"Did what?" Mindbender asked.
"The Baroness," Zartan said.
"Well yeah they used to date," Mindbender said.
"Recently Mind-bungler!" Cobra Commander snapped. "We're talking recently!"
"Wait, you got back together with the Baroness?" Mindbender blinked. "Her?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," Destro said sarcastically. "But they were all out of fresh widows! You got the last one!"
"When did this happen?" Cobra Commander shouted. "You haven't been using the ship to go on dates, have you?"
"No!" Destro snapped. "It just sort of happened last night that's all!"
"Sort of happened?" Zartan asked.
"We were just flying around in the spaceship," Destro admitted. "Just talking. Having some drinks. We flew over Paris. Then we flew higher and well…You've heard of the Mile High Club?"
"Yes," Zartan said.
"We joined the Million Mile High Club," Destro said with a smirk.
"Couldn't you have just crashed into the ocean instead?" Zartan asked. "It would have been a lot less painful in the long run!"
"Here we go again," Mindbender groaned.
"You two break up more times than Ross and Rachel!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"You two are like one of those 80's hair bands," Zartan said. "You sound great together at first. But you break up because you keep fighting and your egos! You get back together when you think you can make some money and can make it work. But it doesn't work. So you break up again and swear you will never get back together. Until you do…"
"And the cycle of stupidity goes on and on and on!" Cobra Commander added.
"It's different this time," Destro said.
"That's what you say every time!" Cobra Commander pointed out.
"Destro listen to me," Mindbender said. "As a man of science and current hot bachelor of Cobra…"
"Hang on," Destro held up his hand. "You're the hot bachelor of Cobra?"
"Hello!" Mindbender pointed to his abs. "These got me laid with four different women this year alone!"
"Which breaks your current streak of one different lab animal every four years," Zartan remarked.
"He's doing better than we are," Cobra Commander admitted. "We have to give him that. Continue Mindbender."
Mindbender went on. "As a man of science, I have run many, many experiments. Sometimes I run the same experiment more than once. Usually to confirm the results of the first experiment. Sometimes because I'm bored. Once or twice I was a bit tipsy. But there is always one constant. If you run the same experiment with the same variables over and over again…You're going to end up with the same results."
"And in your case," Zartan said. "The results are you and the Baroness are going to blow up. Usually with high explosives."
"It's different this time," Destro said.
"Again, you say that every time!" Zartan snapped.
"I thought you two learned your lesson last year with those Australian doppelgangers?" Cobra Commander asked.
"We're just keeping it casual," Destro said. "We agreed on that."
"Oh yeah that will work," Mindbender rolled his eyes. "NOT!"
"And this is from Cobra Casanova here," Cobra Commander pointed.
"Commander," Xamot said as he and his brother walked in with some papers.
"Destro, Zartan…Good you're here," Tomax added.
"We have a problem," Xamot went on.
"A big one!" Tomax added.
"Yeah we know!" Zartan snapped. "Destro and the Baroness are back together!"
"Not that," Tomax said. "But…"
"Really?" Xamot gave Destro a look. "Again?"
"Her?" Tomax asked.
"Haven't you two learned your lesson by now?" Xamot asked.
"Apparently not," Cobra Commander sighed.
"You two are like a bad hair band that keeps breaking up and getting back together," Tomax said.
"Which no one wants to get back together," Xamot added.
"I said that!" Zartan pointed out. "I actually said that!"
"Can we stop talking about my love life?" Destro snapped. "Twins you said you we had a problem."
"When don't we have a problem?" Cobra Commander snorted. "But what's the latest one?"
"We finally checked the books," Xamot showed them the papers they had. "Such as they are!"
"Turns out Marceau and his crew have been embezzling funds for years!" Tomax fumed. "As well as committing fraud!"
"What kind of fraud?" Destro asked.
"Haven't you people noticed that none of the vineyards have grapes on them?" Xamot asked.
"Marceau and his crew have been stealing wine from other vineyards and passing them off as Chateau De Arboc!" Tomax said.
Cobra Commander looked at them. "And this is a bad thing why?"
"Yeah I don't see the problem here," Mindbender remarked.
"You may have to tailor this argument to your audience," Destro advised the twins. "I'm assuming the other vineyards are rather miffed about this?"
"Yes!" Xamot said. "If some of these death threats are anything to go by."
"Stupid question…" Cobra Commander said. "If the other vineyards knew about the theft why didn't they report it to the police?"
"Because Marceau had blackmail material on all of them apparently," Tomax explained.
"And they were getting a decent kickback…" Xamot sighed.
"So, what's the problem?" Cobra Commander asked. "We pick up where Marceau left off."
"We would if we could find the blackmail materials," Tomax explained.
"Or the people who worked here," Xamot groaned. "Haven't you noticed since yesterday almost everyone has disappeared?"
"Michelle is still here," Mindbender spoke up. "I think…The last thing I remember is that we were having drinks in my room…Huh. I don't remember anything else."
"Oh boy…" Cobra Commander groaned.
"Just curious Mindbender…" Zartan remarked. "How many times has that happened with Michelle? That you took some drinks and then don't remember what happened the next day?"
"Pretty much every single time we got together," Mindbender said. "With the exception of the cheese cellar. Why?"
"Mindbender," Cobra Commander sighed. "I think your reputation as a ladies' man just took a major hit."
"What?" Mindbender asked.
"She drugged you!" Zartan snapped. "You clueless Casanova! She was obviously using you for her own plot! Which explains so much. Honestly that whole thing was starting to annoy me."
"Me too," Destro admitted. "It really was."
"Yeah I was doubtful of the whole Mindbender is a stud thing too," Cobra Commander agreed. "Obviously she was just using him and drugging him. Phew! That is a load off my mind!"
"My world makes sense again," Zartan nodded.
"Why would she drug me?" Mindbender asked. Everyone looked at him. "All right. I admit it. There are a few answers to that question. But what was her reason?"
"Guys! We got trouble!" Torch shouted as the other Dreadnoks ran in with The Baroness, Zarana and Zandar.
"The Joes and the cops are on their way!" Zarana said.
"And for some reason," Torch added. "A lot of angry farmers with pitchforks!"
"I was on the spaceship checking the local police frequencies and discovered what was going on," The Baroness said. "They'll be here any moment!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Correction!" The Baroness groaned as something blew up in the back yard. "They're here!"
"Vacation's over!" Cobra Commander screamed as they all got up and ran for the ship. "COBRA RETREAT! RETREAT!"
"We're retreating from the retreat!" Buzzer quipped.
"Not now, Buzzer!" Zartan shouted.
The Cobras barely made it to their spaceship and took off in it. "That was too close," Destro groaned as he flew the ship. "Is everyone on board?"
"I think so…" Monkeywrench said as he petted his goat. "Good thing I was able to grab Chompers in time."
"Baahhhh!"
"So everyone's on board?" The Baroness asked.
Cobra Commander paused. "Yes."
Meanwhile back on the ground…
"OH, COME ON!" Blood Wing shouted as he saw the spaceship fly away and disappear. "You have to be kidding me? Not again!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
An explosion blew up part of the ground next to him. "AAAHH!" Blood Wing gasped. "Uh…Just an innocent little birdie here…AAAHHH!"
He fled the scene as several angry policemen, Joes and farmers with pitchforks stormed the vineyard. "I left Mexico for this?" Blood Wing groaned.
Back on the spaceship…
"Nope, we didn't forget anyone important," Cobra Commander said.
"Isn't the turkey back?" Mindbender looked around.
"Nobody important!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"How did they find us?" Ripper asked.
"Besides the fact that you lot have been blowing up everything you could find for almost a week?" Destro snapped. "Ask Mindbender's girlfriend!"
Mindbender blinked. "You don't think she double crossed us for not only revenge but to shove suspicion off of her and her gang, don't you?"
"That is a very distinct possibility!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Oh, she was using Mindbender for her own gain," Zarana said. "I was wondering about that. That all makes sense now."
"So much for a peaceful life on the vineyard," The Baroness groaned.
"I knew we should have left these people behind when we had the chance," Destro groaned.